goingmadder
12-06-09, 10:26
Hi All, ( Iposeted this on the medication forum but my anxiety made me question if that was the right place to put it so iv put it here too...)
I've suffered (however undiagnosed) with GAD, OCD, ROCD, Pure O's and depression, the whole shabang since 1998. I only realised any of this existed and I wasn't infact "insane" about 3months ago.
Appart from the usual, depersonalisation, anxiety, and general feelings of being totally nuts the worst thing for me is how my Romantic relationships are affected. I have doubts about every single relationship in my life including my love for my children, parents, best friends... but the most prominant and most affected is Romantic Relationships. Over the years and more recently due to new found knowledge i have come to the conclusion that the reason the romantic relationships are affected so badly is because they're easier to get out of... My compulsion to fight the guilt that comes from doubting the relationship has always until now caused me to inevitably withdraw from the relationship, becoming more distant, colder, all in an attempt to trick myself into "NOT CARING" so breaking the relationship is easier thereby removing the pressure removing the guilt and removing the anxiety...
BUT.....
Thats is not what I want... WHen the anxiety is not present I am totally in love and i am sick to death of constantly fearing the end, seeing myself become destructive to the relationship.
The reason i am posting on the Medication page is because I wonder whether medication could help me lead a more normal existence...
My anxiety and obsessive intrussive thoughts are driving me to despair... Everything stays in my head and whirls round and round...
Every conversation is analysed every word I say feels fake, ever relationship feels like a lie....
My anxiety makes combatting jealous nigh on impossible as you can imagine.
I have low self esteem issues obviously...
Even thinking about thinking, trying to make sense of my thoughts then i think I shouldnt have to do this, I'm going to go mad...
I used to meditate, i know how to relaxe but just can't seem to these days...
This bout has been a week long now... Doesn't sound liek a lot i guess but i was only "ok" for a couple days before this bout...
I'm sick of being nuts, I'm tired of thinking, I tired of worrying, I'm tired of being scared, I'm tired of analysing, I'm exhausted over feeling Guilty...
I just wish I could tear out of my body, leave my brain behind... Like in the film caccoon
I am terrified of Medication for the following resons:-
fear of addcition
Fear of being a zombie
Fear of living a fake life
Thoughts that taking meds is proof I am insane
Fear of them not working
Fear of ending up in the crazy house
Fear of losing my life...
Even the fear of going to the doctors and being told I dont suffer from the anxieties ocds etc and it turns out i really am just a total nut job who is evil and twisted...
Man I hate this...
Any advice on meds, doc appointments, councelling, did it work, did it fail, so on and so forth would be appreciated...
I've lost most of my adult life infact all of my adult life so far and I'm sick of it!
Please help
X
I've suffered (however undiagnosed) with GAD, OCD, ROCD, Pure O's and depression, the whole shabang since 1998. I only realised any of this existed and I wasn't infact "insane" about 3months ago.
Appart from the usual, depersonalisation, anxiety, and general feelings of being totally nuts the worst thing for me is how my Romantic relationships are affected. I have doubts about every single relationship in my life including my love for my children, parents, best friends... but the most prominant and most affected is Romantic Relationships. Over the years and more recently due to new found knowledge i have come to the conclusion that the reason the romantic relationships are affected so badly is because they're easier to get out of... My compulsion to fight the guilt that comes from doubting the relationship has always until now caused me to inevitably withdraw from the relationship, becoming more distant, colder, all in an attempt to trick myself into "NOT CARING" so breaking the relationship is easier thereby removing the pressure removing the guilt and removing the anxiety...
BUT.....
Thats is not what I want... WHen the anxiety is not present I am totally in love and i am sick to death of constantly fearing the end, seeing myself become destructive to the relationship.
The reason i am posting on the Medication page is because I wonder whether medication could help me lead a more normal existence...
My anxiety and obsessive intrussive thoughts are driving me to despair... Everything stays in my head and whirls round and round...
Every conversation is analysed every word I say feels fake, ever relationship feels like a lie....
My anxiety makes combatting jealous nigh on impossible as you can imagine.
I have low self esteem issues obviously...
Even thinking about thinking, trying to make sense of my thoughts then i think I shouldnt have to do this, I'm going to go mad...
I used to meditate, i know how to relaxe but just can't seem to these days...
This bout has been a week long now... Doesn't sound liek a lot i guess but i was only "ok" for a couple days before this bout...
I'm sick of being nuts, I'm tired of thinking, I tired of worrying, I'm tired of being scared, I'm tired of analysing, I'm exhausted over feeling Guilty...
I just wish I could tear out of my body, leave my brain behind... Like in the film caccoon
I am terrified of Medication for the following resons:-
fear of addcition
Fear of being a zombie
Fear of living a fake life
Thoughts that taking meds is proof I am insane
Fear of them not working
Fear of ending up in the crazy house
Fear of losing my life...
Even the fear of going to the doctors and being told I dont suffer from the anxieties ocds etc and it turns out i really am just a total nut job who is evil and twisted...
Man I hate this...
Any advice on meds, doc appointments, councelling, did it work, did it fail, so on and so forth would be appreciated...
I've lost most of my adult life infact all of my adult life so far and I'm sick of it!
Please help
X