razor-elliots
13-06-09, 11:28
I wanted to express my feelings to see if anyone else can put their opinion forward as to what these symptoms are pointing to. I've just written a bunch of detail, a bit about my past, bit about my present and the latest episode.
Being outside is easy, travelling is easy, but around people my senses rise and my body starts to become adrenaline fueled. I can spend up to an hour in a pub before having to leave, I know that once the trigger is pulled I wont be able to move from that spot out of utter phobic fear of something happening where I'm utterly out of control. I grew up in a town where carrying a knife for self defense was the norm, because things really did happen just by chance. You could be anywhere, safe as it seems and something could kick up out of nowhere, I now live in a place that is apparently a safer place than that, but I see no evidence because there is no such evidence for me - so my anxiety constantly rises in prediction of violence. Either me snapping and killing someone in unnecessary self defense or someone else killing me or someone I care about. I was so used to striking first, and where I used to live that was considered pretty normal, you knew if someone was going to start fighting. Now I live in an area where people may speak to you aggressively but wont follow it up, but I can't tell the difference between speaking that leads to violence or speaking that just remains an argument so I know I'll strike first as soon as opposition arises in any situation. I constantly feel ready to go to war and it takes so much out of you.
I was out with my long term girlfriend, who I anarchistically call my wife, she is my wife. I tried my hardest to stay out because it was her best friend's birthday but I couldn't do it, when I was being triggered in the pub we were at, she took me to a resteraunt for food where I was still reacting badly. We sat outside the resteraunt for a cigarette, talked to a woman who walked by. Suddenly the disorder kicks in and triggers and you find yourself squaring every single individual up, ready to attack and it makes you feel like you're about to panic because everything starts filling your perceptions so much that you can't relax at all. I told my girlfriend we had to go, and we started leaving, half way down the street I felt the fury trying to rise up - two tears came out (which is always the sign). I cry two tears, then stop crying and feel extremely cornered even though we were just walking down the street, everyone's voices were getting louder and louder, and the circle that you would call your personal space started growing, it felt asif everyone was in my personal space and I wanted them to get out. Luckily I'm not psychotic or dillusional so I didn't believe I could actually get them out of it, and that I had to leave. I was imagining them all catching fire and dieing and leaving me in a state of calm, I fantasize about an armageddon or apocalypse where I'm left totally alone to try and make myself feel happier. It's not real, people are all around me and they're ALL invading my personal space and I hate them. I wish they'd drop dead, the cocky people walking slowly and calmly, the blokes who stare into your eyes when they walk past because they want to feel like the alpha male, and me desiring to knock 21 shades of blood red out of them. We finally got away, and I felt like an utter failure - I felt embarassed and guilty for ruining that night out, we got back in and I learnt that we'd been out for a few hours. I now have a new 'red zone' which is a street where we were, I'll find it hard to walk through there every time I go near it again.
Previous to me moving here I was stuck in my bedroom for 3 years, with absolute anxiety and stress about going somewhere and being sparked and being given the fury. The last time I did anything violent with the fury was about two years ago, I threatened someone with a syringe of bleach (I didn't have one, I just let them believe I did to get them to go away). The same night a bouncer tried pushing me against a wall and he didn't move me, I believe it was the fury - once it's on I'm a different person, I believe I'm indestructable and I act the same way, I live in constant fear that it'll be triggered and I'll end up in prison somewhere. Wondering if it's a kind of mix between social anxiety and anger disorder. I've seen a psychologist who told me nothing was wrong and I had a bit of depression, I diagnosed him as stupid and left. Does anyone else experience the fury.
It's symptoms. In timeline order.
- light anxiety
- moderate anxiety
- people's voices seeming to get louder and blocking you in
- people's body language appears to be aggressive no matter what they're doing
- mental targetting of potential weapons and people's weaknesses with the sense of genuinely having to use them in a minute and heavy anxiety.
- dysphoria, feeling suddenly out of touch like you're about to cave it
- extremely short emotional outburst that turns into a kind of euphoric violent daze. violent fantasies and desire to kill a person.
- Odd cognitive reactions, like someone asks you "what's wrong?" and you reply "I don't want them to have it". You start not making sense.
- you suddenly become calm, but looking for the sensation of fight and war, you're suddenly out to find someone who wants to start on you, just for the excuse to attack them viciously.
I've only got as far as the last one, if anyone else has ever gone further I'd expect that they're in prison now. Can anyone here relate at all?
I told my wife I'm now calling it Anger Addiction, because you tend to find reason and any way you can to feel anger because it's easier to control situations in rage - for some reason being angry actually reduces the possibility of triggering and it makes me quite fearless. I can do anything if I'm angry, except the hardest things like going out for a night out, because it's hard to be angry around people who you love and care about for no reason - while being totally aware that you don't want to sit there and be judged as a moody little kid by these other adults around you. I often try to listen to violent death metal or apocalyptic 'crust punk' music if I feel fury because it gives me this sense of apocalypse that makes me feel almost euphoric.
Being outside is easy, travelling is easy, but around people my senses rise and my body starts to become adrenaline fueled. I can spend up to an hour in a pub before having to leave, I know that once the trigger is pulled I wont be able to move from that spot out of utter phobic fear of something happening where I'm utterly out of control. I grew up in a town where carrying a knife for self defense was the norm, because things really did happen just by chance. You could be anywhere, safe as it seems and something could kick up out of nowhere, I now live in a place that is apparently a safer place than that, but I see no evidence because there is no such evidence for me - so my anxiety constantly rises in prediction of violence. Either me snapping and killing someone in unnecessary self defense or someone else killing me or someone I care about. I was so used to striking first, and where I used to live that was considered pretty normal, you knew if someone was going to start fighting. Now I live in an area where people may speak to you aggressively but wont follow it up, but I can't tell the difference between speaking that leads to violence or speaking that just remains an argument so I know I'll strike first as soon as opposition arises in any situation. I constantly feel ready to go to war and it takes so much out of you.
I was out with my long term girlfriend, who I anarchistically call my wife, she is my wife. I tried my hardest to stay out because it was her best friend's birthday but I couldn't do it, when I was being triggered in the pub we were at, she took me to a resteraunt for food where I was still reacting badly. We sat outside the resteraunt for a cigarette, talked to a woman who walked by. Suddenly the disorder kicks in and triggers and you find yourself squaring every single individual up, ready to attack and it makes you feel like you're about to panic because everything starts filling your perceptions so much that you can't relax at all. I told my girlfriend we had to go, and we started leaving, half way down the street I felt the fury trying to rise up - two tears came out (which is always the sign). I cry two tears, then stop crying and feel extremely cornered even though we were just walking down the street, everyone's voices were getting louder and louder, and the circle that you would call your personal space started growing, it felt asif everyone was in my personal space and I wanted them to get out. Luckily I'm not psychotic or dillusional so I didn't believe I could actually get them out of it, and that I had to leave. I was imagining them all catching fire and dieing and leaving me in a state of calm, I fantasize about an armageddon or apocalypse where I'm left totally alone to try and make myself feel happier. It's not real, people are all around me and they're ALL invading my personal space and I hate them. I wish they'd drop dead, the cocky people walking slowly and calmly, the blokes who stare into your eyes when they walk past because they want to feel like the alpha male, and me desiring to knock 21 shades of blood red out of them. We finally got away, and I felt like an utter failure - I felt embarassed and guilty for ruining that night out, we got back in and I learnt that we'd been out for a few hours. I now have a new 'red zone' which is a street where we were, I'll find it hard to walk through there every time I go near it again.
Previous to me moving here I was stuck in my bedroom for 3 years, with absolute anxiety and stress about going somewhere and being sparked and being given the fury. The last time I did anything violent with the fury was about two years ago, I threatened someone with a syringe of bleach (I didn't have one, I just let them believe I did to get them to go away). The same night a bouncer tried pushing me against a wall and he didn't move me, I believe it was the fury - once it's on I'm a different person, I believe I'm indestructable and I act the same way, I live in constant fear that it'll be triggered and I'll end up in prison somewhere. Wondering if it's a kind of mix between social anxiety and anger disorder. I've seen a psychologist who told me nothing was wrong and I had a bit of depression, I diagnosed him as stupid and left. Does anyone else experience the fury.
It's symptoms. In timeline order.
- light anxiety
- moderate anxiety
- people's voices seeming to get louder and blocking you in
- people's body language appears to be aggressive no matter what they're doing
- mental targetting of potential weapons and people's weaknesses with the sense of genuinely having to use them in a minute and heavy anxiety.
- dysphoria, feeling suddenly out of touch like you're about to cave it
- extremely short emotional outburst that turns into a kind of euphoric violent daze. violent fantasies and desire to kill a person.
- Odd cognitive reactions, like someone asks you "what's wrong?" and you reply "I don't want them to have it". You start not making sense.
- you suddenly become calm, but looking for the sensation of fight and war, you're suddenly out to find someone who wants to start on you, just for the excuse to attack them viciously.
I've only got as far as the last one, if anyone else has ever gone further I'd expect that they're in prison now. Can anyone here relate at all?
I told my wife I'm now calling it Anger Addiction, because you tend to find reason and any way you can to feel anger because it's easier to control situations in rage - for some reason being angry actually reduces the possibility of triggering and it makes me quite fearless. I can do anything if I'm angry, except the hardest things like going out for a night out, because it's hard to be angry around people who you love and care about for no reason - while being totally aware that you don't want to sit there and be judged as a moody little kid by these other adults around you. I often try to listen to violent death metal or apocalyptic 'crust punk' music if I feel fury because it gives me this sense of apocalypse that makes me feel almost euphoric.