Please, please help...

[Budgie]

Yes, its me again... :blush:

I hate posting like this and bugging the board, but feel very desperate and scared of what I could do :unsure:

I don't know what else to say. I can't dress it up anymore. I have never felt so suicidal as I have over the past few days. I cannot stand it anymore. I can't stand the constand feelings of failure and the bite of lonliness thats been eating away at me for years. Theres nothing left of me :unsure: I lost a lot of weight, I lost all my hope. I'm so tired all the time, and cry myself to sleep, which, if I'm lucky is about 3/4 hours a night :weep: I manage to get through the days, but its all front, all autopilot. I can lie and pretend like nobody's business, its my only skill, and not somehting I'm proud of, I hate it. But yes, its all front. On the outside I can pretend to be interested on whats going on, but on the inside I'm dead :weep:

I just don't know how to cope anymore. All my old coping mechanisms... they just don't seem to get me though anymore... :weep:

[rosepetal]

First things first. Get yourself some soup and/or a smoothie or fruit juice. Something that's easy to digest. You need some nutrients in you to help you cope.
Second, are you having any support? It sounds like it could really help right now.
Is there anyone you can call right now? Even the Samaritans? They also do email if you're not up to talking.

*sits with you, if ok*

[fedupofanxiety]

i have been in this place recently so i know how it feels rosepetal is right get something to eat so you can think clearer and ring someone for support have you got any family or friends you could talk to??

samaritans 0845909090
mindinfo 08457660163
careline 02045141177
mental health matters depending on where you live its a diffferent number
local crisis team is always a good option
good luck try to keep strong!

[Budgie]

Thanks guys :hugs:

I've had a sandwich about an hour ago. I hadn't got out of bed until about 5pm, I just couldn't move. I spent much of the day staring at the ceiling, feeling totally overwhelmed. My mum encouraged me to get up and have a shower and made me some food and a drink. She knows about my depression/ocd, but I find it hard to be honest with her or my brother, because I don't want to stress them out

[rosepetal]

Good for you for having a sandwich and showering. And it sounds like your mum is a gem. Keep talking here as much as you need. Maybe wrap yourself up in a blanket and cuddle a teddy bear - it can be really soothing and is perfectly fine to do. :)

[suzy-sue]

So sorry you are feeling so bad Budgie:hugs: Is your Mum still with you?or could she come back if you asked? You must go to your Dr my love and tell him how you have been feeling .Its no good pretending any more. Keep posting if you need to ,you arent alone Suexx :bighug1:

[pollyanna]

Hi budgie
i agree with all the others , keep talking , and be kind to yourself

you are in my thoughts

P x :hugs:

[Budgie]

Well, I am at work right now. Its my last week in this job, so, every hour is like a countdown. I feel like I am here at my desk, but not here at the same time, like nothing is real. I feel agitated and my heaert is racing :unsure:

I still feel very low. I have to go to my gp surgery this week to order a repeat prescription of my citalopram, so when I go there I am going to book an appointment to see my gp, as I have got quite scared of my thoughts and feelings :unsure: I never thought I could feel so bad I actually find myself thinking of ways I could end it all, but that's where I am lately. Its like a vicious circle, the more depressed and anxious I get, the more I get frustrated with myself, then the more ashamed I get, then I feel anger, then I feel upset, and so tired I can't get out of bed, and then I think of suicide; and then I feel guilt and shame for that, which makes me feel down... and it goes on and on :wacko: :weep:

I don't really have people to talk to. I feel bad about putting on my mum and brother so much, I think I am stressing them out really badly and its not fair on them. I don't really have any friends, well, basically, I don't have any, just acquaintences really :blush: so its hard to express myself. I wrote a message to someone I used to be quite close to, but she seems to have ignored it, so I don't really know what to do now. I don't know what happened between herself and me, we used to be good friends, but then she grew distant with me, and I don't know why or what I did :unsure: I used to love writing my diary, poems and stories, but over the months, its like a big block has come into my mind and I can't seem to get anything out.

[KC]

Dear Budgie - I have read through your postings and replies and send you all my thoughts and wishes as well as loads of hugs. So many are hiding their feelings and depression behind a wall of normality and this of course does nothing to show people how much you need their help/advice. My wall has only recently begun to lower and although I can't bear to show others how depressed and anxious I am, it does seem to have helped to talk and open up. May be you could try this, otherwise keep writing on this forum as we are all happy to reply as much as you need.

I hope your doctor can suggest some immediate action plans for you - as well as the usual medication option, there are lots of groups where you will meet others in a similar position to yourself.

Please keep in touch with how you get on and remember, message or PN as many times as you need.

KC:hugs:

[Oceanblue]

Hi Budgie,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad right now. I'm feeling just the same right now, I too feel so terrible.

I am having the same thoughts, I too just want to disappear, want to sleep forever. I don't think i'm much good at anything, I always mess up. I'm no good for anybody.

I spoke to my 10yr old son last night, he called my dad at 2am Sunday morning to come down because he was worried about me, my dad travelled 25miles and we stayed up and talked until 5am. I still don't feel much closer to sorting things out.
But My boy said last night that, he loves me lots and lots and that he is so worried about me. I feel so sorry for him, i'm not much of a good mum am I ?

I have a daughter too, she's 6yrs. I'm just trying my hardest to hang on for them. I feel terrible to be saying this, but it's true. The depression has hit me so hard, I'm currently stuck in a black hole and i'm sure i'm not speaking rationally. I don't make any sense and I'm so confused.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your thoughts. I'll try my hardest to help you if I can, but in all honesty I can't seem to help myself right now, so I can't be much good. But,.. I am here to listen, just like everybody else.

Take care Budgie and I hope you manage to have a brighter day today.

Take good care of yourself xxx

[pollyanna]

Hi budgie,

glad that you are still posting and hope that in some small way it is helping you. You realise that today you have made a big achievement, although you feel awful, you got out of bed and got yourself to work, yes your heart is racing and you are agitated, but you still did it....

Glad that you are going to make an appointment with your Gp, another step in the right direction.

I know that you think you are putting on your brother and your mum just now, but it would probably worry and stress them more if you werent talking .

As for your friend, sometimes we just move on and drift away from some people at different times in our lives, its nobodys fault, or perhaps she just doesnt know what to say, but please dont let that put you off talking to others.....

Your enjoyment for your diary, poems and stories will return, you are on the right track, you are taking postive steps although i know it doesnt feel like it.... be kind to yourself, you would if you had for example a broken leg, cut yourself some slack....


Keep posting we are all here for you...

Thinking of you


P x :hugs:

[Budgie]

Thanks Pollyanna :hugs:

Well, I am at work once again. Just 3 more days here...! I'm looking forward to making a break from this job, although I'm so anxious at the same time, because I haven't heard back from my new job yet about my start date :unsure: They said they'd contact me as soon as they'd got all my references and all... but I know what I'm like, any reason for panic!! :unsure:

I feel very tired today, it was a real effort to get out of bed. I did it, but, I wish I hadn't! :wacko: I just don't want to be here in this office. I'm not happy with my work because I'm owed flexi-time leave but yesterday the supervisor said theres 'no chance' of me having any time off because of staffing. And me being a push over, I just said 'ok'... but I'm really not happy about this! I felt very upset last night and did some yet more crying :weep: Its just a total circle of depression, anxiety, ocd and feeling suicidal, constantly.

I contacted a friend last night and asked if perhaps we could meet sometime, but she didn't seem interested. She replied saying 'maybe sometime soon', and I just felt it means she doesn't want to. I mean, I can't blame her as I wouldn't be excited to see me, but... now I feel totally alone :weep:

[pollyanna]

Hi Budgie

good for you getting to work again, i know how hard that is for yoy to do right now. i know there are things that you are not happy with in this job, but as you say only 3 more days to go.......:)
and then you can close the door on that and start a new chapter in your new job, im sure they will be in touch soon, im sure if there was a problem they would have been in touch before now.

As for your friend, well done in calling her, as for her not seeming interested, maybe she has a lot going on in her life too and cant commit to anything right now, remember she did say yes sometime soon, she didnt say no.....

I think its ok to cry, it gets those feelings out, left insde they just fester...

you are doing great, i know you probably wont think so, but count all these things, you are going to work, will be starting a new job soon, you are still posting and expressing yourself, and you have friends here who care about you, and are always here to listen so you will never be alone, there are always ears here to listen. i kmow its tough going but you are still heading in the right direction, this will pass......

Take care and be kind to yourself

and keep posting ........


P x :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Budgie]

Gosh, today is so difficult :unsure: :weep: I'm finding it really tough. I've got a driving lesson tonight so I need to get myself together

I feel so strange and detached. I can't remember what I've been doing. I went to the toilet and sat in the cubicle staring at the door and next thing I knew 15 minutes had gone by, and I don't even think I blinked :unsure: I feel completely spaced, agitated and exhausted and I don't know why. Its a horrible, horrible feeling. I feel like I could start screaming and smashing things up right now :wacko:

I thought about texting my friend again, but then I thought, I just sound like a weirdo creep who keeps pestering her. She doesn't reply to me and I think thats for a reason; she doesn't want to. But I just want to feel like someone, anyone I know out there is thinking of me.

I just want to go home now. :weep:

[suzy-sue]

Hi Budgie, I would feel pretty fed up myself over the flexi time issue.Could they pay you instead? Well done for going to work, it must be very hard ,the way you feel at the moment.Im sure your new job will be so much better and it will help get you on the right track.If you havnt heard from them by Fri perhaps you could ring them and tell them you have left your job and have been a bit concerned they havnt been in touch..,im sure they will understand.Dont feel too bad about your friend ,people are like that sometimes,you dont know what she has going on in her own life at the moment..Youll make some new friends when you start your new job Im sure. We are here for you when you need us too !.Luv Sue:hugs: :hugs: xx

[Budgie]

well, here I am on my last day at work! It feels rather strange to be leaving:unsure: but I know I am making a move that will be rather like a fresh start in many ways, which I think I need. It is kind of sad to be leaving nice people behind but I have got a lot of contact details so its not a complete goodbye. I got a present! And a card with some money in from collegues on the section :blush:

I'm going to hopefully get my hair cut tomorrow and have a shirt, funky style, which will be a boost. I was not at work yesterday as I was ill :unsure: I think I caught a bug! I had to stay at home in bed as I was not very well at all :wacko: But I think I actually faced a fear or two -- I have quite a big phobia of sick, I wasn't actually sick (as in vomiting), but at a few times I really thought I was going to, and instead of being afraid, I told myself, if its going to happen, its because it has to, and it will be over before I can think about it too much, and it will make me feel better. And I got through the nausea in one piece :)

This week I also contacted another friend of mine, and he has been so great. If my newe job hasn't started next week, then we are going to meet up for a chat, and perhaps go to some shops. I know he isn't going to see this but this is what I'm going to do when I see him: :hugs: :) Also, if I get time off next week, I am hopefully going to buy a bicycle and start cycling, as it will be good for my fitness and get me out of the house. :shades: One of my mum's friends goes cycling a lot and she said I'm welcome to tag along. I can also use my bike to go to my new job when it starts.

Gosh, in just a couple more hours I won't be a stressed civil servant anymore!!! I will be just humble Budgie, non-civil-servant :winks: I just know I don't have to feel so suicidal all the time. I don't know how to do it just yet, but, surely, if you're at the bottom, the only way is up.

[Poopsigroo]

Hi Budgie,
I just read this thread all the way through and am so happy you are feeling much better.
I know what's it like to be in a job you don't dislike, it kills you inside.
Now your starting over, making plans and it's so encouraging. Hope you have a wonderful weekend, get outside and enjoy nature, it'll make you feel so good!
Best wishes
X

[pollyanna]

Budgie,

Your last post is so much more positive and things are moving on, all for the better:).
Keep moving forward, and let us know hoew the new job is going.

P x :hugs:

[Budgie]

Hi :)

I went to see my GP today *at last), and Iopened up a lot more about how I've been feeling lately. My GP has been really good to me in all the times I've been to see him, and he was very helpful again.

He is very annoyed at how long it is taking for me to get CBT. (9 months so far!), he say it is completely unacceptable to still be waiting like this and is going to contact the team and see whats going on. He said it sounds like I've been relly struggling recently, and that working through my depression is going to take some time, but can be done. For a start, he has asked me to increase my citalopram from 20mg a day to 40mg, and go back to see him in a month's time.

I'm a little scared about upping my dose, but, heck, if it helps me to get through this horrible dark then I am willing to do it. I have not started my new job yet so at least I can try and chill in bed if it gets rough.

I am worried about my new job -- I got an email from the HR department saying the the occupational health team need to get a fitness report from my GP :unsure: What does this mean???! I was honest in my occ health questionnaire and said I am taking medication for IBS and depression. I didn't want to lie because I'm sick of lying and pretending... but I'm worried about this report, especially after seeing my GP today and confessing how I've felt recently :unsure: The HR person who emailed me said that my managers at my new job are keen for me to start as soon as possible... but I'm so concerned about this request for a 'fitness' report :blush: :wacko: :scared15:

[Budgie]

Well, I am at the bottom.

I managed to get in contact with that friend I mentioned, and I am in bits right now. She said that we are different people now. She doesnt really want to know me. She was really hurtful to me, saying about how i'd let her down alot, and when I tried to explain I'd had panic attacks all the times I had gone back on plans, she just got more angry at me. :weep:

What is the point in even trying?? \I'm a useless friend and she doesn't want to know me anymore.

I guess I'm just going to go back to bed. Theres nothing else at all. I'm never going to make friends. I'm so lonely :weep: I really want to die

[suzy-sue]

Im sorry she has upset you and made you feel bad. She doesnt sound like a very good friend,she didnt even try to understand what you have been going through.You dont need friends like that,I call them Fine weather friends.Please dont feel bad about yourself, there are lots of people who have been through this with people.She is the one with the problem ,not you.Going out in the sunshine for a walk will take your mind off it,laying in bed will only result in making yourself feel worse.Hope you feel better soon Luv Sue:hugs: x