Advice to help boyfriend who suffers from panic attacks

[Lanarka]

I came onto this site looking for advice from sufferers of panic attacks and OCD to try and help my boyfriend, who suffers from both. Well, I say he's my boyfriend but because of the severity of his condition we are barely able to do anything together. I've known him for about 11 years now but, with living in different places and being in and out of contact, we've only been able to act upon our feelings for each other in the past couple of years. I couldn't understand why he behaved so strangely, why he got cold feet after a few weeks but kept up the contact and the insistence that he wanted to be with me, until he told me about his panic attacks just over a year ago. I was the first person he'd ever told. Since then he's told his family and tried counselling (after a few sessions he stopped as he said it wasn't helping) but he seems reluctant to take firm action to overcome his problems. And his problems really are very serious: he says that his panic attacks are frequent and debilitating although I've never been able to tell when he's having one, he barely sleeps because of nighttime attacks, he can't do anything with me in public so he only ever comes over to my house but won't eat anything I cook because of food OCD, he doesn't have a job at the moment despite being incredibly capable (and seems to think he doesn't deserve to have a rewarding career), etc, etc.

I'm sure this is familiar to those of you who suffer from these conditions so I won't go on and on, but basically I'm completely stuck over what I should do. I know how very much in love with me he is, and I'm completely devoted to him, which is why I get so frustrated and upset that I don't know how I should treat him and at the fact that he doesn't seem to want to help himself get over his problems. I've read so much on the subject to try and understand but I can never fully understand because I've never suffered from panic attacks or OCD. Should I cut off contact and let him sort himself out? Or is that the worst thing I can do? It's so hard for me to want to be with someone so incredibly much, only to face this stubborn brick wall.

[Lanarka]

Thank you, Paul, your message helped a lot, particularly because it's a very tough, lonely position that I'm in and I worry that everything I do towards him is wrong. I'm lucky that I have a very full and, indeed, fulfilling life so I certainly make sure I do the things that, ideally, I would like to do with him but know that I can't. In fact, I probably keep myself extra-busy to try and distract myself and so that I can tell myself that it wasn't just that he couldn't see me that we didn't meet up, it was also because I was too busy to do so.

The problem is that I've suggested many times that he goes to see his doctor - either on his own or with me - and explains the severity of the problem and he won't do it. And without doing that I don't see that he, or we, have a positive future.

[xxangeleyes07xx]

hiya, i agree with paul, i am a sufferer myself and without my partner and my kids i feel i couldnt go on...theres not much they can do but by just being there makes me feel a whole lot better.Your boyfriend does need to ask for help tho before things spiral down, when i started 2 get bad i begged for it all to go away and my partner couldnt bare to watch me suffer so all help was welcomed. i think maybe if you could get him on sites like this where he could read posts and chat he will begin to feel hes not alone. my councilling 1st time round wasnt helpfull aswell, i felt it didnt help, maybe from that councilling session its put him off all hope of anyone helping......all i get told from my doctor is try councilling or tablets but i wont take tablets as i had a reaction a few yrs back.....so that doesnt help.The best help was from the internet and chatting to others who are the same,,im hopeing to find a meet up group as i think that will help. hope it all works out for you hun, my fella must feel the same as you i sometimes i suppose x

[andrewc]

Hi there.

Your story about your boyfriend sounds all too familiar. People who have anxiety and panic dont seem to trust anyone to help them. Im afraid that the only course of action is for him to decide to trust the doctors and seek help.

Best of luck

Andrew

[Lanarka]

Thank you so much for all your replies. I think I have to take Paul's advice and distance myself from him and the situation. I appreciate the fact that it must have taken a massive effort on his part to tell me in the first place what his problems are, and so he clearly trusts me that much, but I feel that since then I really have done all that I can to encourage him to get help from whatever source he feels comfortable with but the will hasn't been forthcoming on his part.

If I continue to involve myself I'll just keep making excuses on his behalf, I'll feel even more insecure about his feelings towards me, and I'll feel sadder and sadder. As much as I love him and see him as an amazing person far beyond this illness, it's time for me to draw a line under things and, hopefully, find someone who will appreciate me and the mutual happiness we could find together.