just to see if anyone thinks or feels this way.

[Nicola_lou]

I'm not really sure what colume this fitted under. But I feel and think so deeply this last year. I believe we are in hell at the moment or one stage from it. This can't be living we have to work to live we get treated like animals, people suffer whether mentally or physically everyday.
Why is it so many of us are so sentive to our own feeling, what makes us scared of everyday life and things that happen normally. Did we all do something in our last life? Or are we all simulary connected in some way.
Do you sometimes think what have I done this year and its been a dream even if u remember something its like it wasn't you. Why is this? I keep thinking I must be on some level in a coma trying desperatley to awake. Am I thinking to much? This probably doesn't make sense to anyone having a good day.
I also have thought I've been posessed by an evil sprit. Ever since I move her I haven't been myself gone off the rails a bit. Drinking partying not doing a good job in work. So if I didn't have a pa I would still be partying madly, don't know what's worse.
All I've done this year is develope anxiety from a pa. Become depressed, agraphobia which was hard to overcome, gone bk to work, bk out of work back depressed.
Oh god I just read this and it sounds supa crazy but that's my frame of mind at the moment. So anxiety high I cantt remember what I'm doing or talking about. I might feel better in morning. Sorry for the bant by the way.

[melody]

Some of my artworks have had similar themes, & some dreams I have had. Lost & desperately trying to find the way home. Having a nightmare & unable to wake up. Trapped in the woods & unable to find the way home. Caught in the headlights of a train on the traintracks & unable to get out of the way. All typical anxiety dreams & images when I read the dream books.

Other times my art is cheerful, bright & happy themes. Very up and down. Feels like being a puppet.

I have to keep telling myself it will pass. It's not forever and it will get easier. I have to be strong & get through the hard times so that later the good times will come. I can't believe that one day I'll be completely cured & never feel anxiety again etc. because deep down I know that I will always be extra sensitive about things that happen in life. I can believe that I will make it through this challenging time and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My major issue that I am seeing I have to face is that I am full of repressed rage at my stepdad for being mean, my old bullies, & other people who were cruel when I was trapped in a situation & it was many against one. I have to find a way to overcome the learned helplessness, whatever that means. As my artworks become clearer, my head is getting closer to clear, it's a bit messy today. Some things just trigger bad memories that haven't been processed properly.

[Nicola_lou]

Yes its a good way to express. One of my canvas has everything going on in it. Then some days its just no imaginations and little effort. I haven't painted in a while I use to love my art . My thought is so deep ill lost the way to express on paper.

[Nicola_lou]

Thanks for your thoughts I did philophy for my A levels didn't understand it then just wondered why people came up with idea of how we behave and our thoughs from invants I thought fraud was a bit loopy, but I feel I turning into someone asking and thinking these questions. Everything with me is but why.
Well a few things probably lead me up this garden path, I was attack about 3 years ago and got stabbed all well physically now, then harassed for 2 years cause I went to court. But I seemed to be dealing with it didn't have counciling just went straight bk to work and got on with life. Until I moved from the nest and stress from bills, no money, work, relationship all got on top of me, started frinking almost every night until my body snapped I guess.
One of the things I guess that's stressing me the most or to a high level is my nan she had it sinc2e my age and she been in and out of hospital and electic shock treatment about 4 years ago. So I'm totally scared that ill end up like her, or have this for the rest of my life. So ivwhich I really ent a willing to put up with.
I guess from leaving the nest and since I developed anxiety I feel like a child again, I can't think for myself or I don't want to think for myself. I don't want the responsibility of live I guess getting older defending myself. I mean most of my friends have children I couldn't handle that not with a mind that is to weak to grow up, and take responsibilty. I feel like curling up and just being look after for a change I guess I've left life get on top of me.
In some ways this needed to happen I would have been going down the same road now. And I think I wish I was back normal again, and I think do I want to go back to then?
Its like I'm building myself from scartch ill never be the same person again or at least the one I was for the last 3 years. Its hard to go back into work a changed a fragile person now on the inside and very quick tempered, if I want something or want to leave somewhere I can't wait gotta go, I have no patiences anymore. And no manners with people that can't do the job for me , which is totally out of order then I feel so unbelively guilty.
Sorry for the long post I just start typing and it all comes.