rosepetal
26-06-09, 19:16
It's all too much, I want to die.
Health worries. I used to get these really bad, and with Everything from lately it's all come on again. But the one trigger has set off a spiral of cancer anxieties and all kinds of other health anxieties [connected with abuse in my past - being called a 'spas'.]
And I'm alone.
My flatmates have a guest round for dinner, without telling me.
So no food for me this evening. I can't get into the kitchen, even if I didn't have severe social anxiety with strangers. I can't afford to go and get a take away. I did all my weekly shop this morning. I'd have factored in for something if I'd know about the guest. I usually eat something cold in my room. But there was nothing on the calendar, like there usually is if they have someone round. I'm well peeved.
Yes, I am feeling suicidal. Numbing myself to try not to feel. I've made some important breakthroughs in therapy the past week, and now it's the weekend and I'm on my own with it and I feel vulnerable.
Not eating isn't good. I used to be borderline anorexic, and have pretty much recovered. But being ignored triggers all kinds of dissociative symptoms.
I just hope I don't start feeling hungry. All I have in my room is a bag of dried tropical fruits. And some water, thankfully. I'm really angry, and frightened. And feel totally overwhelmed.
Health worries. I used to get these really bad, and with Everything from lately it's all come on again. But the one trigger has set off a spiral of cancer anxieties and all kinds of other health anxieties [connected with abuse in my past - being called a 'spas'.]
And I'm alone.
My flatmates have a guest round for dinner, without telling me.
So no food for me this evening. I can't get into the kitchen, even if I didn't have severe social anxiety with strangers. I can't afford to go and get a take away. I did all my weekly shop this morning. I'd have factored in for something if I'd know about the guest. I usually eat something cold in my room. But there was nothing on the calendar, like there usually is if they have someone round. I'm well peeved.
Yes, I am feeling suicidal. Numbing myself to try not to feel. I've made some important breakthroughs in therapy the past week, and now it's the weekend and I'm on my own with it and I feel vulnerable.
Not eating isn't good. I used to be borderline anorexic, and have pretty much recovered. But being ignored triggers all kinds of dissociative symptoms.
I just hope I don't start feeling hungry. All I have in my room is a bag of dried tropical fruits. And some water, thankfully. I'm really angry, and frightened. And feel totally overwhelmed.