Bad anxiety started from poor night out

[WillyB]

Hello, i dont know if anyone will be able to help me, but would be good if you could share similar experiences or offer me some help. The other day i went to a school leavers ball. The ball was ok and i had fun there. I recently turned 18 and after the ball i decided to go with my friends into town. It was the first time i had been into that town to experience what they had all said was great. I found myself in dirty, scary clubs and witnessed a side of behaviour from my friends i have never seen. The first club place i went to i realized that i hated being there, i was jumpy, became very depressed and just couldnt stand it. My friends were like 'why are you so moody' and just wouldnt tell them anything. We then went to another club, i was queuing for 20 mins and paid £5 to get in. It was dreadful, actually scary. It was packed, dark, way too loud and hot. People seemed to enjoy it, i dont know how. I said i was leaving after a few minuets and i did. On the way back in a taxi i shocked, scared and upset at what i had experienced. I woke up and since then i have been struck with heavy anxiety, really bad and i feel like someone close to me has died. I dont want to do anything i enjoy (video games in general, i get depressed as soon as i sit down at my computer and other things. Last night i couldnt sleep, it was 3 in the morning. Whenever i closed my eyes i started to panic, i kept thinking about things, my future life, what the hell am i going to do with myself in the future? how will i meet new people, a girlfriend, if i hate these social places. I would much rather sit in a pub. I then started to feel sick. I closed my eyes then jumped out of bed and lept for my window and gipped/belched. I wasnt sick, just made the noises.

Ive never had anything like this, actually being nearly sick from panic, fear and these thoughts of mine. Whats happening? im scared, and when i think of it, it gets even worse.

Thank you for reading and hope to hear from some of you.

[xBettyBoopx]

Hi Will

First, welcome to nmp.

These feelings you had at the nightclubs are sort of normal really. Not a lot of people like dark, dirty, hot, sticky loud clubs. You said you had a good time at the school leavers ball, that's because it wasn't all of the above. If most people are honest, they would say that nightclubs are trash!!

Please don't think you will always feel anxious, you don't have to go to nightclubs it's not a 'must'. I bet some of your friends felt the same way as you but wouldn't tell you.

What you are doing is carrying the feeling that you had in the clubs to your normal life & that's why you're still feeling anxious, panicky & depressed.

I know you feel that at the age of 18, not going to nightclubs is the end of the world, but it really isn't. You'll probably get over it anyway but if you don't, please try not to dwell on it, I know that this is easy for me to say & not so easy to do.

Could it have been that at the school leavers ball you had too much to drink & eat, then when you went onto the nightclub you felt a bit sick?

Personally, before I suffered with anxiety, I didn't like nightclubs either. They are too loud, hot etc etc, all the things that you said.

I hope that I have been a little help not a hinderence.

Els

[WillyB]

Hi, thanks for your reply. I hadnt had that much to drink or eat at the ball, if anything from past experiences that should have helped calm my nerves but didnt. I'm getting nervous and panicky right now because im about to go to bed, i do hope this will go away. Do you have any advice as to how i can calm myself down?

Thank you, Will

[WillyB]

Ok well ive been improving the past few days, i dont feel as nervous anymore. But what really is affecting me is this weird change in the kind of person i am. since that night i have sort of changed, i feel different, like im not apart of my past. (before the night out) Perhaps its made me realize something about who i am that i didnt want to think about before. But i hate feeling this way, i feel odd around my friends and family and lots of time during the day i feel sad, depressed, lonely, scared and fearful of whats going to happen. Whats really getting me down is what am i going to do in life? career? will i meet new people? I really want a girlfriend, ive never had a girlfriend and im scared that if i ever do get one, they will be more experienced than i am and it wont work. Its weird because ive never had one, now i start to feel nothing towards it. I dont know whats going on.

[Marginalia]

Ok well ive been improving the past few days, i dont feel as nervous anymore. But what really is affecting me is this weird change in the kind of person i am. since that night i have sort of changed, i feel different, like im not apart of my past. (before the night out) Perhaps its made me realize something about who i am that i didnt want to think about before. But i hate feeling this way, i feel odd around my friends and family and lots of time during the day i feel sad, depressed, lonely, scared and fearful of whats going to happen. Whats really getting me down is what am i going to do in life? career? will i meet new people? I really want a girlfriend, ive never had a girlfriend and im scared that if i ever do get one, they will be more experienced than i am and it wont work. Its weird because ive never had one, now i start to feel nothing towards it. I dont know whats going on.

It sounds like you're feeling really alone because you assumed you and your friends were similar, and now it feels to you like you and they are from different planets! I get the impression that this unexpected surprise has made you feel really up in the air about life, now it seems so uncertain and unpleasantly strange, and you don't know where you fit in any more.

But actually this could turn out to be a really positive 'moment of truth' for you, if as you hint you are realising that you have a mind of your own, you are a separate person from your friends and family, with your own likes and dislikes. It's just a case of exploring to find out what you do actually enjoy (rather than just what you don't like!). And by the way, lots of people start that journey of becoming themselves at age 18 - I teach in a university and it's often only then people start to try and find out what works for them - and some take years to realise that they are following expectations rather than their own hearts... so you might just have a head start there.

Regardless, just don't be down on yourself: leaving school is by its nature a time of uncertainty and it's not surprising it's emotionally discomfiting.

I don't know what will work for you, but here are some suggestions:

(1) write down all the pros and cons about these friends. What have you enjoyed doing with them in the past? Why do you like them? Do you like them? Do you feel you have an equal relationship with them? (Do you ever take them to places you think are great?)

[Also don't think of it as an all-or-nothing thing: just because you're very different from some people in some ways, doesn't mean you don't still have common elements you could share... don't turn away from the warmth of company, though you might find it in different places than you thought - perhaps you could confide in a more distant relative where you have nothing to lose if you can't make a bond]

(2) Write down the things that make you happy, the things you enjoy, the things that give you pleasure.

[Then do them ;) ]

(3) Think of all sorts of activities and hobbies people do (include everything from scuba diving to hill-walking, acting to carpentry, role-playing games to cookery, learning massage to getting involved in politics, playing paintball to... nightclubbing). Rate each one for how attractive it seems to you.

(4) Pick some of these activites that you like the sound of/enjoy most, and think whether you could interest your friends in joining you in some of them, or whether you could join a club/group/class/ask around to find new friends, to do these different things with.

(5) See a careers advisor! Actually, might be an idea to fill in some questionnaires... there are careers questionnaires, but also personality questionnaires on the web, which might ground you or help you understand yourself better.

And good luck with it. :)

(About the girlfriend thing, you'll meet females along the way - especially if you choose activities that women do as well as men - or even something with more women, such as dance classes. Certainly the experience thing is not a concern - just get to know yourself, and be yourself - and if someone likes you, they'll take you as you come ;) - it's really not a big thing and 18 is young to be worried about being inexperienced - I have met men in mid 20s to 30s who have been - rightly - not worried despite being inexperienced)

[WillyB]

Thanks for your reply, it was a good read and has helped me chill out a bit. My friends are great, ive known them most my life. When i say ive never seen that side of them, it was more a shock that they enjoyed it and got me thinking, will they do this more often and leave me out. What else is scaring me is why dont i want to do anything i wanted to do last week? will i always be like this?