Leaving [Archive] - No More Panic

Sax

11-09-05, 11:45

Awwww Kate,

I'm really really sorry to hear you so low at the moment - its just a phase isn't it and I hope it doesn't last too long. I understand when we feel like this its hard to support others however please don't feel you can't ask us for the support you need at this time.

Its good sometimes just to post to say how you are feeling good, bad or indifferent so please even though you've said you won't be here remember we still are and if you need us you know where we are.

You will be missed Kate so don't stay away too long and we will/are thinking about you right now - so you take care and come back to us soon.

I really hope you feel lighter soon Kate and even though you are not disappearing without word doesn't mean we won't worry about you. Please remember where we all are and I hope you are coping ok!

Here for you Kate!!!!!!!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))

Sax xxxx[8D]

mico

11-09-05, 11:46

You shouldn't worry about saying the wrong things Kate.

But, whatever you do, take care.

mico

'Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding Danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.'

Piglet

11-09-05, 11:54

Morning Kate hun,

I felt upset when I read this post and just wanted to give you a big squeeze.

Like Flo says you are a credit to the site - if you want to be quiet for a bit that's fine but don't feel you have to watch what you say, or stay away for that reason.

You are lovely and funny Kate and have had me crying with laughter in the chatroom some nights but mates are about being there as mates, even when we don't feel like being funny, god knows my mates have had to put up with me being particularly unfunny on many occasions.

I'll be here whether you want to be funny, unfunny, loud or quiet, sad or happy, confident or anxious and even if your roots need doing.[OK]

Your mate Piglet (Nell) :)

nomorepanic

11-09-05, 12:30

Kate

I am there on MSN for you mate if you want to chat. I won't crowd you but I am not letting you get rid of me that easily ok.

You have been around this forum for a long long time now so I don't want to lose your friendship.

Call me if you want to chat ok?

xxxxx

Nicola

"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

SickofIt

11-09-05, 12:38

Hi Kate,
I know you feel. It's difficult to come here and get the energy to post when you are using all the energy you have to get through the day.

I'm sorry you're feeling down.

Karen

11-09-05, 12:39

Hi Kate

Sorry that you are having such a bad time at the moment. As others have said, you only ever post in a kind and supportive way and I don't believe you would ever say 'the wrong thing'.

There is no pressure to reply to other posts but it is a shame if you feel you can't come here for some support when you need some.

Hope you are feeling better and come back soon. You will be missed.

Take care.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

seh1980

11-09-05, 14:39

We will miss you Kate!! Wishing you a speedy recovery so that you can come back soon. All the best mate :D

"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal

carlin

11-09-05, 15:20

Take care Kate and please come back soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

tammyg

11-09-05, 15:34

Hi Kate,

I just wanted to echo what everyone has said. You will be missed, we are here to listen to you if you need us. Don't stay away too long. Take care of yourself.

Tam x

clickaway

11-09-05, 16:38

Oh, Kate sorry you are feeling down a the mo.

We all know you are funny person underneath this depression.

I hope you bounce back and get us laughing again before too long.

Take Care,

Ray

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

Meg

11-09-05, 19:09

Hi Kate,

I'm sorry to hear that your anxiety and depression are worse at present.

Thanks for letting us know that this isn't where you need to be at present and are taking a break.

I do hope you and Hannah are ok and not in delayed shock.

Take good care

Love

Meg

pips

12-09-05, 12:09

Hi Kate hun,

So sorry things are so bad mate.

You never say the wrong thing though and you have always helped me and lots others and are a huge credit to the forum.. Don't ever forget that mate.

However I do understand you need a break.

Just remember I am here if you need me please feel free to e-mail or PM me anytime hun.

Take good care of yourself.

Love and lots of Hugs,

PIP'S X X X X

andrew

12-09-05, 12:54

hi kate, i dont get this - arent you supposed to try and get more help and support when your struggling. trying to think of something constructive to say - its easier to say sorry if you say the wrong thing than it is to isolate yourself. try not to let your feelings overwhelm you hun, stay in the fight. you take care .. andrew x

LisaS

12-09-05, 19:08

hi Kate,

sorry you are going thru the mill at the moment.. blips are horrid.. claire weekes has lots of sections on blips in her books that always help me..
i understand about staying away for awhile.. you just need to gather your thoughts and learn about you for a bit without worrying about what other symptoms you may have!
It can help actually - then we can look forward to a happier you whenever you are ready to come back..

take care,
Lisa
xx

"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"

alexis

12-09-05, 19:43

Hi Kate, just to agree with all the others, I know when we do not feel good we do what we feel is most comfortable, I just tend to read posts but dont reply much, It is difficult Kate and i hope you soon see light again, The pub will need to close no doubt too withoput you, take care, Love Alexis,xx

Sarah-Jane

13-09-05, 00:55

Awww kate im so sorry you are having bad times at the moment.

I think its a real shame your not gonna be here for a while.

Dont give in to the way your feeling stay and fight it and grab every bit of support your friends here want to give you.

You're always there to help others...take time out and let us help you in return ..keep in touch xxx

Love & Hugs from Sarah-Jane xxxx

nomorepanic

13-09-05, 08:33

Just to let you all know that I have spoken to Kate on MSN and I am keeping her updated on how well you lot are behaving [}:)] (especially in the pub).

She will be back to see us all soon I hope.

Nicola

"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

Sarah-Jane

13-09-05, 13:55

Thanks Nic for updating us. give Kate our love and best wishes and of course a big virtual hug xxxx

Love & Hugs from Sarah-Jane xxxx

jill

13-09-05, 14:10

Hi Kate,

My hearrt skipped a beat when I read your post :(
You have been sooooooooo surportive when I have done threads about my daughter, as I have said befor, I truely wish that you never undertood. It is NOT in your nature to say the wrong thing, you are a kind and caring person.
I will be thinking of you and Hannah and whising you both well.
Hope to hear from you soon.

TAKE CARE

THINKING OF YOU BOTH ALWAYS

LOTS OF LOVE JILLXXX

sal

14-09-05, 00:53

Hi Kate

Sorry to hear how you are feeling. Text me if you need to talk. I am thinking of you hun.

Love Sal xx

Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".

kate

12-10-05, 20:31

I need help. I know I do, but I don't know where to go to get it or who to approach.

My anxiety has reached new heights. I'm worrying constantly about everything and nothing. I have to get to work 10 minutes early everyday as that is how long it takes me to convince myself that the handbrake is on on my car once I have parked up. I check, I check and I recheck. I walk away then walk back. And I check again. I check the front door so often that hubby said the handle is in danger of falling off.

I only want to drive when the weather is perfect. It was tipping it down last night and I had to go and pick Hannah up from her dancing as hubby was at work. I have to drive out past dark fields which freaks me out. I panicked big time, feel like I will drive off the road or get lost or both.

My face is twitching all the time, I screw my eyes up and blink constantly which is resulting in muscle pain.

The depersonalisation is constant, I can't hold a conversation or watch a film on telly.

I need something to calm me down, to calm down all these anxieties. Anti d's, I can't get passed the initial side effects. How can I go to work and manage family life when I feel like I will fall over from dizziness? This is what has happened everytime I have tried different anti d's for anxiety. Doc wont prescribe valium even for short term use. So what is the answer?

I am worn out and totally worn down. There is no end to this and I am getting worse by the day. I can't explain properly here how bad it really is. All the worries that are there constantly and all the other things I worry about along the way.

I know all about the alternative route, the natural remedies, the relaxation techniques, the positive thoughts etc etc, I should do, I've lived with this for enough years. I need a new approach, one I have never tried before. Is there one though? I don't know.

I have already ruined my daughters life. I know that I'm the reason why she has OCD and I'm now going the same way with my son. I never thought he had been effected, but it is becoming obvious that he has by things he says and the way he keeps asking me if I'm alright.

I aint looking for sympathy from this post but I just needed to tell someone how bad I'm feeling. At least when you see a shrink every week you can offload on them and not have to worry unduly what they think of you. Keeping it all inside is no good. I hide behind constant talking and joking around, especially at work. But this too just wears me out, never letting the guard down, never saying how bad I'm feeling.

It's still tipping it down here, hubby is at work and I keep worrying that the rain will flood the house. This is the crap that is there in my mind all the time. Constant nag, nag, nagging in my head, never ending thoughts going round and round.

I had to get all of this out cos I think I will flip if I don't get some relief from it all soon.

Thanks for listening

Kate x

tammyg

12-10-05, 20:57

Aww Kate. :(I'm really sorry, I don't have any answers for you but just wanted to say we are all here to support you through this. It is good to see you posting again, this will probably help.

Sorry you are feeling so bad right now. (((BIG HUG))) I won't say anything else as I don't want to make you feel worse. Just that yes, it is really pouring down at the moment here and I am thinking like that too.

Tammy x

Trev

12-10-05, 23:57

Hi Kate,

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through it so bad at the moment and I wish I could do something to help you.

Is it possible to take a little time off work to try to get some rest to help you through this acute period?

I hope you get over this setback soon.

Trev x

Piglet

13-10-05, 10:28

Hi Kate,

Firstly over the last six years there have been a few occasions I could have written that exact post.

Secondly I can identify with being worried how much it affects the kids - my eldest has just been signed off work for a week with guess what, yep, panic attacks. I feel gutted. I know she has been working over 50 hrs a week doing 3 different jobs and just moved into a house with lots of mates and had a falling out with her dad so that's enough to throw anyone (which is what her GP has said too) but you can't help feeling its connected to you can you.

Thirdly if I check the back door and windows any more times at night than I already do the handles will deffo fall off or my hand will!!!!

Fourthly when I had the car (can't afford to run one anymore and I'm almost glad) I had this little thing where I would say outloud "handbrake on, lights off, in neutral" and the kids would say yep after each one - they still laugh about it now (and those were the days I didn't suffer from anxiety lol).

Fifthly I am sending you a massive hug as one who knows exactly where you are at and I'm here anytime you want - we don't even have to be funny!!!!!!!!

Take care hun and we'll speak soon:)

Love Piglet x

trac67

13-10-05, 10:45

Hi Kate,
Sorry to hear that you are having a bad time at the moment, this anxiety is crap isnt it. Don't blame yourself for Hannah's OCD, it is just something that can be hereditary, my Ami has started to suffer panic attacks occasionally when she is in a crowded situation, and I too thought it was my fault, but it doesnt rub off from us, it just happens hun. If you ever need a chat at anytime just nudge me ok, as you know I am always on msn ( I don't have a life lol).
Take care and I am here if you need me mate.
Big hug
Trac xx

'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwitten'

Trev

13-10-05, 11:47

Hi Kate,

I just remembered another Claire Weekes comment. (I know I go on about her loads, sorry!)

She talked about the person washing their hands for hours on end. This can be done with little fatigue if the person does it willingly. It's the anxiousness that drains.

Like Piglet, I've always been one for checking windows and doors are locked (even thought I know they are) before I go to bed but I've never thought of it as a problem or worried about it. I probably always will do it. I think it all lies in this acceptance thing. If you just accept that's what you do and effectively ignore it and laugh about it then that may help.

I really hope this doesn't sound like "teaching you to suck eggs" but from my experiences I found that I would often forget these things in the frenzy of constant anxiety. I needed to be reminded of things almost minute to minute. I must have read that blimmin Claire Weekes book a hundred thousand times!!! I could probably do a thesis on her by now. lol.

Thoughts are with you.

Take it easy,
Trev x :D

Piglet

13-10-05, 14:46

Lol Trev - we could all go on Mastermind with 'Claire Weekes' as our specialist subject!!!!

Meg

13-10-05, 14:52

Kate,

I'm really sorry that you are having a tougher time again right now.

You're right in that you do know the theory of getting through rougher bits but struggle in implementing it.

You seemed to respond well to that hynotherapist that helped you a while back, might you go back to him at all?

Love
Meg x

kate

13-10-05, 15:28

I have read Claire Weekes, I have read just about every book on the market over the years but although it all makes sense, how can you apply it to yourself and your own life? Until you can believe that it can apply to YOU 100% then it aint going to make any difference at all.

I have only ever had the odd day off from work due to the anx/depression over the last 20 odd years. I suppose to some this would suggest that I have never felt as bad as they have but all I can say is that it has been absolute hell to carry on working most of the time. But, if I stay at home, what will I do with my time? probably smoke myself to death, watch daytime telly and clean the house even when it doesn't need cleaning. It is hard carrying on working, but what is the alternative? At least it gives me some sort of routine, something to get up for in the morning. Staying home would only give me more time to dwell on the crap and I probably would never bother to return to work again.

Meg, yes the hypno helped me somewhat with certain bits. I had terrible self esteem issues, never thinking I was good enough etc, and this has improved a lot. I went for 3 sessions in all but after the first sessions progress, nothing else seemed to get moved any further along and the main anxiety issues still remained.

I still don't really think there is an answer to all of this and I will just have to stop trying to find one. The thought of living with this worry for the rest of my life is just such a depressing one, but I really can't see any other way.

Kate x

Trev

13-10-05, 22:26

Hi Kate,

speaking from my own experience of this condition the thing that I found most difficult was that the way out of it is so simple in theory yet so maddeningly difficult to do, especially when you are acute.

I believe that when you are going through a rough patch and you are in that frenzy state that some sort of time out is beneficial. When I was at my lowest Janice dragged me off on holiday and although I thought it was madness to suggest it and would be impossible for me to do, it proved to a good idea in the end. The change of surroundings seemed to shake me out of it a bit. I got more rest and re-charged to some slight degree.

I think you are doing amazingly well in keeping things going and continuing with the job. You're doing better than I did that's for sure!
I certainly wouldn't advocate spending time at home but is a break away to somewhere possible?

Cheers,
Trev

chucklehound

14-10-05, 07:57

Hi Kate,

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so low.
Whatever you decide to do I hope that you are start to pick up again soon.
Take great care
Chucklehound
xxxxx

LisaS

14-10-05, 10:38

hi Kate,

so sorry you are feeling so downright cr*p at the moment.
You have to take a step back from the situation and look at it as though you were looking from above. You are a professional sufferer with this and you know that this is a blip. It sounds so simple, but thats all it is. You WILL get over this, just as you have done many times before. Time is such a great healer, dont be in a hurry to get better now as that will only add to your anxiety. Say 'ok' i'm doing this now, i'm having a bad rough patch, and it may last a couple of days or even weeks.. go with it.. it will do you no harm and slowly over the days you will come out the other side.. just dont rush it or it will take longer.. if you wake up knowing you are going to feel cr*p then it wont be a surprise and wont bring you any further down than you are already..
eventually it will bother you less and less until you realise that, hey, i think i'm feeling a bit brighter and dare i say, happier..
it WILL happen for you ..

Also, could you ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor, or even pay privately...? at least this way you can offload and know that you can offload every week/2 weeks... or think that at 7pm every night, write on here to offload. With a set time you may generally feel you have a release rather than keeping it all in.

Its horrible when its this bad, please try and be kind to yourself and treat yourself to something nice. my personal fave is gettting a huge tub of ben and jerrys choc fudge brownie and a girly movie! (and i can eat the whole tub if i really put my mind to it!!)

big big squeezy hug,

Lisa :D
xxx

"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"

Piglet

15-10-05, 19:28

Hi Petal,

Just wondering how it's going?

I can't get on msn at the mo as the modem is playing up and the computer keeps disonnecting from the net otherwise we could have a good chat.

Thinking about you though.

Love Pig:)

kate

16-10-05, 09:09

Hmmm, I suppose it is a blip in so far as I feel totally overwhelmed by it all again and finding it really hard to rationalise the anxiety.

BUT, don't blips only occur when you are getting better? No way am I getting over this. I have some days when the anxiety isn't as high but these are usually days when I haven't got to worry about doing anything specific or the kids aren't going anywhere that gives me cause for panic.

I would class getting better when I don't even think about anxiety, when I don't give anxiety a thought. Even when I'm having a slightly better day the anxiety and analizing whether I AM feeling anxious is still there. To get back to being an unpanicking, not anxious, not depressed person as I must have been before all this started many years ago, is impossible. It just aint going to happen.

Councelling always embarrassed me to be honest. Yes, it was good to have someone to offload on, but I was never 100% comfortable with it and tended not to tell the whole story. For right or wrong I always felt a failure that I needed help from the mental health team, just my own feelings, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with it. Looks like I will have to offload here Lisa!

Trev, I don't think I have done well in continuing to work, I carried on working as I was too embarrassed to admit to my employers at the time that I was suffering with depression and panic. There was definately not the support that is around now, and I always tried to keep it a secret. Even my doctor told me to pull myself together. I was only 19, terrified I had some fatal illness, and trying to keep it all together. I remember I worked in an office in the city centre and I panicked when in work cos I needed to escape then panicked outside the office and needed to get back in. I was so very terrified, hadn't got a clue what was happening to me, but I just carried on, trying to act normal and hoping that no one would notice how badly I was coping.

So I agree that I will have some days better than others but this is never going to go away, this is what I have to accept.

Kate

tygwyn

16-10-05, 11:35

Hi Kate

I can see why you believe that you are never going to get better - we all feel that way when we are very very down (for instance I felt like it last night). But you are wrong in believing that in order to be 'recovering' you no longer think about anxiety 24/7. The thinking about anxiety will take a lot longer to leave you than the actual anxiety will. What you need to try and do though is not to think of anxiety in a frightening way - I can't hurt you - it is just very annoying, but it can be cured!! Inward thinking is something that for now we have to live with but slowly, as the anxiety eases, we will find that we do think of other things and also begin to enjoy them.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. We can all recover from this and I strongly believe that.

My beliefs lie strongly with the Claire Weekes approach (as I'm sure you've been told many many times). Every time I am having a tough day (or even a tough few minutes) I go and have a read of the book and it helps calm me down and instills belief again that I can recover. You have probably already read her books but if not then I would strongly recommend them.

Have belief in yourself Kate. You are obviously a very strong courageous woman to be holding down a job, looking after the kids and dealing with this at the same time. You may not believe it at the moment but to me you are doing great.

To quote Claire Weekes "Coping, although frightened, is True Courage"

Take good care of yourself

Rach xxxx

"True acceptance means 'facing and relaxing' - it is submission" (Claire Weekes)

kate

16-10-05, 14:44

I don't actually think of anxiety in a frightening way, those days are long gone!

To me, the anxiety still being there and me constantly thinking of how I'm feeling is disheartening. To truly have overcome it would mean not giving being anxious a second thought unless there was some real worry or danger which would mean that being anxious is unavoidable.

To have overcome it would mean not dwelling on the happenings of the day, rating it as a good or bad day anxiety wise. Not feeling guilty that a particular day has not gone as planned etc. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

People who have not suffered panic/ undue anxiety do not have to give any time to thinking about how they are feeling when just say going to the shops. They just go, get what they need, and come home. They don't spend their time scanning the landscape for possible dangers, they don't feel shaky, sweaty etc in shops. They don't have to even think about themselves from an anxiety point of view. This is what I class as "cured" behaviour and this is what I do not think will ever happen in my case.

Yes, some days will be better but I will always be analizing my feelings.

Believe me I am NOT strong or courageous I have just had to muddle through and get on with it over the years. It was in fact easier in some ways when the kids were little cos if I felt strange then they were never aware of it. It is different now though and they are both fed up of me worrying over them especially when they go out with their mates to places I perceive as threatening.

Yes things are "extra" bad at the moment but even when things calm down a bit it aint ever going to go completely. I'm convinced of that.

Good luck with your own recovery, Rach

Kate

mico

16-10-05, 15:24

Hi Kate

I know I've offered you many a time the obligatory anti-anxiety advice; relaxation, confronting fears, etc, etc. I've probably even went a little deeper on occasion and not made much sense at all. And I know you don't want to hear all of that stuff over again right now, so I'll try my best to refrain.

I can understand the position you're in though, I've felt very similar myself through many phases. It becomes very easy to reach a point where you can't see any hope, any way out, or visualise anything better. And it is a very difficult position to be in, it's probably the one that has pinned me down the most over the past 8 years (mostly in the last 2).

The worst of it, is the depression. It creeps in when you begin believing there is no hope. You can try to regain that hope, but every attempt seems to fail, which just backs up your fears that there is no hope. It can be very subtle too, you may not even realise that there is any depression there, leaving you to think that the hopelessness and lack of motivation are just part of your life and not in any way attached to mental illness. This is how you see your life, and to you, that is what your life is.

The truth is, this is you trapped within the confines of the negative aspects of your life. Although I understand that is very difficult to believe.

There's a lot of negativity in some of your posts here, but the majority of it isn't true.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I have already ruined my daughters life. I know that I'm the reason why she has OCD and I'm now going the same way with my son. I never thought he had been effected, but it is becoming obvious that he has by things he says and the way he keeps asking me if I'm alright. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

I'm not exactly sure how you think you've caused this, but from what I've seen on here it isn't true at all. If anything, I remember being pleasantly surprised at the strength you showed in helping your daughter, you put her first in the best possible way that you could, put your problems second and done everything within your power to help her with her OCD. She's very lucky to have such an understanding mother, most people don't get the same reaction to anxiety dissorders from their parents, they just get told to sort themselves out!

You've got to remember that your daughter and son are no different to you, in the way that you're someone's daughter too. You're all in the same boat. You don't hold any special powers to make problems go away, same as your mother never did, or anyone elses for that matter. We're all human and we do our best in the way we know how, that's all we can do, and that is exactly what I've seen from you over the past couple of years.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Trev, I don't think I have done well in continuing to work, I carried on working as I was too embarrassed to admit to my employers at the time that I was suffering with depression and panic. There was definately not the support that is around now, and I always tried to keep it a secret. Even my doctor told me to pull myself together. I was only 19, terrified I had some fatal illness, and trying to keep it all together. I remember I worked in an office in the city centre and I panicked when in work cos I needed to escape then panicked outside the office and needed to get back in. I was so very terrified, hadn't got a clue what was happening to me, but I just carried on, trying to act normal and hoping that no one would notice how badly I was coping.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

kate

16-10-05, 16:02

Mico,

I have always appreciated the advice you have given to me, it's my own fault that I haven't put it into practice.

I have caused Hannah to have OCD as she has picked up on my anxiety and this is how it has manifested itself. My kids mean everything to me so of course I will support her through all this no matter how long it takes.

They see me worrying about things that might happen to them and they then start worrying themselves about it. Course they do, I'm the parent, the one that is supposed to guide them. They have seen and heard to much from me over the years and of course I have made them anxious about things.

I don't feel good about myself carrying on working, it just had to be done so I did it.

Your advice is good as usual, Mico, and I know that I shouldn't be coming here and writing so negatively. But this is how it is and will always be.

Kate

mico

16-10-05, 16:58

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">...it's my own fault that I haven't put it into practice.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

There's a difference between not putting something into practice and not being able to put something into practice. I know this all too well myself and is mostly what my remaining struggles are based around, I've started up plenty of threads here about motivation, etc, etc.

There are times when you try, try, and try some more, but nothing seems to come of it, it's as if you just can't make yourself do it. You know the cure but you can't bring yourself to carry it out. It's a very real problem, and one that everyone suffers from in some kind of context, anxiety or not.

Which is exactly why a new approach is needed. If you stick to the current one you'll find yourself continually fighting a losing battle. It often seems the more you fight, the more you lose. Claire Weekes stated an interesting concept on this one. When you fight, you're going against your will. It's a difficult concept to grasp, and I know you've read it already so I'll not go into it, but if you implement small changes you'll eventually find the route for you.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I have caused Hannah to have OCD as she has picked up on my anxiety and this is how it has manifested itself.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

This is maybe true to some extent. It is probably also true that she has similar genetic personality traits which could determine her vulnerability to anxiety dissorders.

But you've tried your best, what else can you do? That's all we can do in life, make the most of what we have. None of us have perfect lives, none of us ever will. Some may seem to have it easier than others, maybe things seem to always go well for certain people. Good for them. For you, you've been dealt a difficult card, but considering the card you've been dealt you've coped with it well and you've done the best you possibly could, as you said yourself:

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">My kids mean everything to me so of course I will support her through all this no matter how long it takes.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Besides all that, the past is done with, it doesn't exist anymore so you can't change it. In which case you have to concentrate on what is happening now. The way I see it, what is happening now is that you're learning more and more about the ways in which anxiety can affect people and how people can be relieved from it. From this you're putting yourself in a better position to help your kids. I ask you again, what more can you do?

Reflecting on the past is just another obstacle stepping in the way, the real stuff, the stuff that makes a difference, and the stuff that will help your daughter, is now. Try to concentrate on what you can do now, rather than what you could've done many years ago.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don't feel good about myself carrying on working, it just had to be done so I did it.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

You don't have to feel goo

pips

16-10-05, 20:15

Hi Kate hun,

I'm so Sorry you are still feeling so crap hun.

Please don't be hard on yourself though. I understand completely where your coming from with the anxiety thing mate.

I constantly think about it to and assess and analize the day. If i do go a couple of hours without thinking of it and then something happens and i do. All those feelings come flooding back! I get so cross at that.

Try not to worry if it does play on your mind a lot though as dwelling on it only aggravates it.

The best advice i can give you is not to fight it and to try and accept it as best you can. I know it's hard i struggle to.

This saying helped me a lot and it's so true!

"Recovery Doesn't Always Mean Being Completely Free Of Anxiety: The Aim Is To Get It Down To A More Normal Level"

I hope you are ok mate.

Take good care,

Love PIP'S X X X X

Piglet

17-10-05, 13:05

Hi Kate,

Wow Mico lots of stuff to absorb there!

I think Mico has a point about little changes here and there Kate.

I think I can identify so closely with your post cos we are at very similiar stages in our lives (but you don't mess about with crystals lol) and I know we've already chewed the fat on some of this stuff. Trev said to me recently in a post that it can be as bad to be understressed as overstressed. I know I'm reaching a sorta crossroads in my life - the kids all getting older and I can't hide behind them and make excuses anymore and this is leaving me feeling a little redundant at times (not all the time cos I'm still very important and invaluable)!!

Like you I am blaming myself for how daughter no. 1 is feeling at the mo, as indeed does my mum over me. I think Mico is right, there was probably a predispostion there and yes probably some of our anxieties have influenced them but equally some of our more postive attributes have also been passed on and like he says we have done our best:).

It's very hard sometimes when we are having a bad spell not to re write the whole of the past as 'well its all been crap', we know that's not true it's just how we are thinking at the mo.

I too would love to step out the front door not feeling scared stiff but if it is who I am then so be it - l will keep trying and I do think I am courageous like Claire Weekes says and that makes me proud (scared stiff but also a little proud).

I think also we forget other people we see as normal unanxious people are in fact not always what they seem, they too have worries and fears but they just don't focus on them like we do.

Flippin connection just gone down so I will have to copy and paste and then restart to put this on (I wouldn't do this for just anyone you know). I may have to text you rather than post if this problem doesnt sort itself (wish I knew someone clever with computers - don't even know if it is the modem or not) stupid piggin thing.

Bye for now Piggin Piglet :)

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

Trev

17-10-05, 14:07

Hi Kate,

Mico covers alot of stuff that I would say so I won't go over it all again.

Believe me, you are extremely courageous to have carried on going to work when dealing with this every day. Doing it so that you could provide for your children and keep home life going. I'd be prepared to bet my house on the fact that if the same thing happened to all of the other people you work with, not that many would show the guts you have. Admit it, you've done an amazing job. Many people are lucky and their courage never gets truly tested.

We all know what utter terror you feel in the throws of panic and to go through it all daily and still continue to provide for your family is a truly admirable thing.

When I mentioned getting away it was for the very same reason that these guys have said, of change. I agree that a change of routine or scene does help. I think it played a part in my recovery.

Piglet also makes a very valid point. People aren't always as confident as they may seem. I have been amazed at the number of "confident" people who have opened up about their current or past anxiety / panic / depression problems once I have told them what happened to me.

As for the negative post thing.........wel that's what this place is for isn't it. So that we can get help and support from people who know what we are talking about. We have all had ups and downs. You have been very supportive to others on here. Now that you going through a "blip" it's your turn to get back some of that support.

One quick note on cure. Claire Weekes does say that cure isn't necessarily never having the anxiety symptoms (that would be impossible for anyone) but more it is about knowing how to deal with them.

Take care,
Trev :)

kate

22-10-05, 09:08

I haven't replied before as I don't really know what to say.

Things are pretty much the same really. Thanks to everyone for their replies.

Kate

Sax

22-10-05, 10:31

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))) )))))))))

Thinking of you Kate and sending you my love and thoughts xxxx

Sax xx[8D]

kate

23-10-05, 08:50

Even worse now, riots in Brum. Only a few miles from me. Couldn't sleep last night, kept thinking it would happen in my road even though I live on a quiet estate. Feel so unsafe now, even in my own home. Feel trapped and need to run. Want to protect all my family, I'm so scared. Can't put the news on this morning, want it all to go away. Totally losing it at the moment.

Kate

Karen

23-10-05, 13:54

Sorry that you are feeling so bad at the moment Kate. I think anyone would be concerned about the riots.

I understand your feelings of being unsafe and wanting to run, as this is how I am also feeling at the moment.

I guess you need to rationalise it and reassure yourself that these riots are a few miles away and unlikely to spread to where you are.

Thinking of you and hope things settle down.

Take care.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

kate

23-10-05, 15:59

Hi Karen,

Thanks very much for replying.

I find it very hard, if not impossible, to cope with being out of control over things I can't control, if that makes sense.

My dad phoned me today and asked me how I was. I started crying and told him how I was feeling. I was really shocked by his reaction, he kept telling me not to do anything silly, and I could tell he was nearly crying. I feel so guilty for burdening him with my worries I wouldn't upset him for anything.

I haven't mentioned my fears to hubby or the kids, I have just withdrawn into myself and am not saying much, which is how I always am when very anxious about something.

Thanks again, Karen

Kate x

Piglet

25-10-05, 15:41

Hi hun,

I'm back and with an all new computer.

As soon as i've read the 300 posts of the last week I will be back to chat some more.

Do you feel any better now its half term, so no work and the kids for company?????

Love Piglet :)

Piglet

28-10-05, 11:09

Hi Kate,

How are things this week???

Love Pig :)

kate

30-10-05, 19:23

Hi Piglet,

Glad you've got the new computer sorted out. I have had the worst week anxiety wise that I can remember in a very long time.

I was going to get so much done last week but have actually achieved a big fat nothing. I could see no way out of the way I was feeling apart from the ultimate finale. I haven't had these thoughts for a while, they only seem to occur when I can see no other way around the anxiety. I don't think I would ever carry it through though, I'm too scared to be honest.

Will probably do me good to get back to work tomorrow, bit more of a routine and less time to think the bad thoughts.

Hope you are well.

Love Kate

mico

30-10-05, 19:41

Good luck with work next week Kate. Just don't beat yourself up for it too much, it'll pass in its own time.

mico

'Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding Danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.'

Piglet

31-10-05, 09:17

Hi Kate,

I agree with Mico, Kate let this horrible phase pass and it will in its own time.

It's that whole what we resist persists thing. Try and distract yourself where poss and do things you do like doing, see if you can spoil yourself a bit.

It's not nice feeling like this but it does pass, what sort of things have worked for you in the past??

I like Glenn Harrold cd's for relaxation and helping with anxiety, like jumping on the rebounder (exercise) for getting rid of adrenaline, like reflexology for sheer calm.

Any of those suit you??

Take care hun and chat soon.

Love Pig xx

kate

31-10-05, 20:29

Well I had a really horrible day at work, constant waves of panic and "not feeling there" head.

I was dead quiet as well and people kept asking if I was alright. I am just so on edge still and exhausted.

Hope you are well Mico and Piglet.

Kate

Piglet

01-11-05, 09:31

Hi hun,

Sorry you felt like that at work - know exactly what you mean.

Have you ever tried some of the herbal remedies (spect you have) I used quite like valerian which did help a bit, course my all time favourite was kava kava, sadly off the market now due to the health scare.

Would it help to tell any of them at work that you are feeling somewhat crap at the mo???

Love Pig :)

Piglet

02-11-05, 16:06

How was work today???

Love Piglet:)

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

kate

02-11-05, 16:35

Hi Piglet,

I've tried herbal stuff but to be honest nothing has really helped.

I've had big trouble sleeping the last few nights, so took Nytol last night but still lay there for over an hour before I dropped off. Feeling very tired today.

I've told some of them at work about how I feel but no way could I tell my boss. She is one of those people that would laugh behind my back about it, she has no people skills whatsoever.

Hope you are well

Kate

Trev

02-11-05, 16:38

Hi Kate,

I hope you are feeling better to some degree?

Cheers,
Trev

kate

02-11-05, 18:40

Hi Trev,

Hope you are well.

I'm just so damn tired at the moment and my head just isn't with it at all. I know it's the anxiety that is making me feel so awful and the depersonalisation always gets worse when I feel under extra stress.

Thanks for your post, Trev

Kate

Trev

02-11-05, 18:59

Hi Kate,

I know it sounds like stating the bleedin' obvious, but could you get more sleep time in.
When I've had bad days I have found that getting even an extra hour or so can help tremendously. Now, if I know I'm knackered I'll even not set the alarm and get into work a little later if it means getting some extra sleep. Don't know if this is possible for you? That's if you can get to sleep ok in the first place as well!!!

Cheers,
Trev

Piglet

02-11-05, 19:07

Hi Kate,

Sometimes its hard to feel with it when the weather is so grey. I'm not sure why but I get more depersonalisation on the wet grey days alot more than bright days - almost like I'm half asleep.

Do you ever talk to hubby about this stuff???

Went shopping to Iceland tonight and and some other shops too now its dark before half five lol. I'm trying a lot more and feeling alot more comfortable but its still early days. I did do my evening walk on my own last night feeling 'normal' I would love to feel like that all the time.

Changing the subject totally now, if you could do a job in an ideal world, what would it be???

Love Piglet:)

kate

11-11-05, 20:04

Hi Trev,

I normally go to bed around 11pm and get up at around 6.30am. Sometimes I don't get to sleep til around 1am, wake up during the night, and then still wake up around 6am when I will get up. I like to get up with the kids and see them off to school. I have to start work at 9am, no flexibility with this I'm afraid.

Hi Piglet,

Don't really talk to hubby much about it all, he doesn't understand at all even after all these years.

My ideal job would be anything working with children, especially needy children. I want to do something that I feel is worthwhile and would really make a difference.

Mind you, the mess I'm making of bringing up my own kids, I don't know whether this ideal job would be such a good idea.

Anyway, update of how things have panned out the last few weeks.

We were going to a bonfire last Saturday night in my parents village. Usually falls under the "safe place" category. But, I ruined the whole of my Saturday with butterflies in my stomach, worrying about going. Couldn't eat, shaking, panicking. We went, but I just couldn't wait for it to be over and to come home. I asked my mom if she would walk back to her house with me if it all got too much, and of course she said she would.

I managed to stay til the end, but I didn't enjoy it at all. It was worse because my sons girlfriend had also come with us and I didn't want to embarass myself in front of her.

NOW, even more worry. My son is going to a party tomorrow night and I have been on edge and panicking about it since he told me on Monday. All the automatic panicking thoughts have been in my head all week. Worse of all, hubby is on late shift tomorrow and wont be home until about 1am. So, I have to drop my son at the party and pick him up at heaven knows what time of the night. This will mean sitting at home all night in a state of utter panic and terror, imagining all the things that could happen to him. Gate crashers and him ending up in hospital seems to be top of the worries. Plus, when I have to go and pick him up, I will have to either sit outside the house waiting for him to come out or, worse, park up and get out of the car and go and get him.

I just wish that I hadn't got this violence fear as it comes up all the time. Once I got the bonfire out of the way, there was then the party to worry about. There is no end to it, no sooner is one worry out of the way than it is replaced by a new one. This will of course only get more frequent as the kids get older and do more things like parties, pubs etc.

I also realise I feel a lot more anxious when the responsibility of it all falls solely on my shoulders. If hubby was at home tomorrow night when my son is at the party, I would still be anxious but would know that if anything bad happened, he would be on hand to sort it out, therefore taking the pressure off me.

The really depressing part of all this is that I have been in this situation on so many occasions and will be over and over again in the future. There seems no way out of it, nothing will ever change. People here keep telling me it will pass. How will it? How will I ever be able to relax and believe that everything will be alright?

My son is now getting mad with me, telling me not to worry all the time. See, I'm wrecking his life as well.

I just really do not know how to get over this, I don't think I ever can.

Kate

kate

12-11-05, 11:52

Well, thanks for all the replies, I dunno why I bother.

Kate

Meg

12-11-05, 12:43

Kate

I am very sorry that you are having a really rough time at present.

*People here keep telling me it will pass. How will it? How will I ever be able to relax and believe that everything will be alright?*

You know that most of this stems from your automatic negative thoughts and that improvement lies in changing and altering these patterns.

You are not wrecking your childrens lives and you have done a great job in bringing them up.

I hadn't responded earlier as I haven't got anything different to offer you to help and I didn't want to upset you by sounding like a broken record when I know you find it frustrating and distressing enough already.

If there is anything at all you think I can do to help you - I'm here for you, but I didn't want to add to your upset by harping on about things I know you already know about all too well.

I am sorry Kate, I didn't mean it to seem like I was simply ignoring your post.

Love

Meg

kate

12-11-05, 12:44

Meg,

It isn't your fault, I just don't know what to do anymore.

Kate

Piglet

12-11-05, 14:21

Hi Kate,

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
My ideal job would be anything working with children, especially needy children. I want to do something that I feel is worthwhile and would really make a difference. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Yes I can see you doing this - I worked in school for four years in the infants and loved it.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
I managed to stay til the end, but I didn't enjoy it at all. It was worse because my sons girlfriend had also come with us and I didn't want to embarass myself in front of her.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

This is what I am working on at the moment - enjoying rather than just enduring. I really try and relax all my muscles and tell myself I am perfectly safe!!!

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I also realise I feel a lot more anxious when the responsibility of it all falls solely on my shoulders. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

This is something that I have had to live with for the past 10 years bringing up kids, so I can totally relate here.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">My son is now getting mad with me, telling me not to worry all the time. See, I'm wrecking his life as well. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Well if you are then I am doing just the same - I get this all the time and so do many many many other parents (its called being responsible)!!!

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I just really do not know how to get over this, I don't think I ever can.

Kate

<div align="right">Originally posted by kate - 11 November 2005 : 20:04:49</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Yes you can Kate - you just have to stop being so hard on yourself - you are a responsible parent worrying about her kids the same way lots of other parents do, it's just harder cos you have anxiety - cut yourself some slack hun.

You know that my kids are the same age as yours so I can really relate to everything you are saying. Mine worry me now just as much as when they were little, infact more so!!!

The elder two are always out and about being driven by lads just passing their tests and it scares the hell out of me. They get their instructions on keeping fingers over the tops of the bottles of whatever they are drinking etc. I hope they won't drink too much etc etc etc. But one thing to remember here is that I have these worries in common with lots of other parents not because I am an anxiety sufferer but because I am a parent.

Tell 'son' to text you only when he is ready and when you drop him off arrange exactly where you will pick him up from.

Big hug.

Love Piglet :)

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

kate

12-11-05, 16:06

Piglet,

I AM ruining their lives. I asked my son if the girls parents would be at the party, as I would feel better if they were. He said they would be, but I didn't altogether believe him. After asking him again and again, he said he hasn't got a clue if the parents would be there or not. He felt he had to lie to get me to not worry.

Piglet, there really is no end to all this and if I could truly believe that there is an afterlife, then I would end it all today. This sounds so attention seeking/melodramatic but it really isn't. It is only because I'm scared of what will happen after death that I do not go ahead with it. Yes, it would be awful for my family, but they would come to terms with it in the end and realise that it was for the best. But, I haven't got the guts to do it.

I asked hubby to phone in sick today so at least if something happens he would be here to sort it out. But he wouldn't. Even his work comes before my feelings.

Kate

Piglet

12-11-05, 17:02

Aw Kate mate,

Wish we lived nearer to each other - I would come with you like a shot to pick him up.

You are not, I repeat NOT ruining their lives. I'm sure my kids do sort of tell the truth by ommission when they want to do something they know I will have probs with (I did this as a kid as my mum would have had a complete mental if she knew what I was doing - bet you did too).

Honey, you and I are at a funny time in our lives, as are alot of women our age - our kids are growing up fast and we are wondering just what the hell next stage is for us (or is that just me). Could your hormones be playing up at all - I know we are only just the wrong side of 40 but I'm sure I get a bit menopausal (is that how you spell it) at times.

Just wanna give you a big hug and take you out for a girly day and have some fun (think I could do the 'out' part as part of a team lol).

I'm here if you ever need me - you have my number, use it!!! Specially if you are sat in the car tonight and scared.

Piglet xxxxxxxx:)

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

kate

12-11-05, 17:38

Don't let the problem of a few hundred miles stop you from popping round!

I do miss having family nearby. My parents and sister and her family live 20 miles away, which isn't far I know but you can't just pop round for half an hour. Hubbies mom also lives about 20 minutes away. My best mate is great but, although she know I have anxiety, I've never told her about the violence thing. I don't tell anyone outside of here and my immediate family about this aspect of the anxiety. She also has her own family to look after, she has 3 kids, so I can't really call upon her when things like this are worrying me.

I always think it's a real shame that we all live so far from each other on here. We should all live on a purpose built "panickers" housing estate, somewhere in the middle of nowhere!

Chris, my son, has told me to watch a Peter Kay dvd tonight to take my mind off things! He has also said he will text me throughout the evening to let me know how it is going. He said he will also ask his girlfriends dad to drop him back here after the party. Hmmmm, I suppose this is avoiding things again though [:I]

Kate

nomorepanic

12-11-05, 17:44

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Well, thanks for all the replies, I dunno why I bother.

Kate

<div align="right">Originally posted by kate - 12 November 2005 : 11:52:52</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Kate

I am not sure what advice to offer either I am afraid. I would suggest seeing doctor for some short-term anti-depressants but I know you are against them, I would suggest getting some more counselling of some sort but I know you don't think that helps either.

I am however, here if you need me and want to talk. Come on MSN and have a chat one night - I miss you :(

Is there any chance you can get to the conference in London in 2 weeks time - I think it would help you a lot and you get to see me and Meg again. Just a thought anyway.

Big hug:)

xxxxx

Nicola

trac67

12-11-05, 18:33

Hi Kate,

Sorry Mate I missed your post before.

You are not and I really stress NOT ruining your kids lives, any caring mother would want to make sure their kids are safe if they are going to a party, wether they suffered from anxiety or not, its a natural reaction if you love someone you want to make sure they are safe. I ask my girls 20 questions every time they leave the house, who, what , when, where and why, it just shows we care.

And Kate I can so relate to you saying about the afterlife and not being able to do it, I went through the exact same feelings, and it was only the fact of what about my girls, and thinking no-one can look after them the way I do, that stopped me from going through with it.

Just remember you have 2 great kids, and that is down to you, you gave birth to them, you have been there for them all their lives, you love them unconditionally, just like they love you too.

Do something you enjoy tonight while your son is out, time for Kate.

Take care mate
Love
Trac xx

'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

kate

12-11-05, 19:46

I'm sorry I posted such a nasty post before, I wouldn't know what to say to me either, think I was feeling a bit sorry for myself [:I].

Nic, I think I'm going to go back to doc's and give the anti d's another go and also get some private councelling. Nice offer, but conference? London??? If it was in North of Brum I would definately come. Would love to meet up with you and Meg again.

Trac, I have just dropped Chris off at his girlfriends and am watching X factor, thats always good for a laugh! Might even treat myself LOL and come in chat.

Nigel, I like the thinking about sending the anxiety packing in a box. I'm going to try that in a minute.

Anyway, sorry once again for the yucky post [:O]

Kate

nomorepanic

12-11-05, 19:49

Kate

The post wasn't yucky atall - you were just down and I felt bad for not replying earlier.

Maybe we will get together again soon ok?

Nicola

kate

13-11-05, 19:31

Hi Nigel,

Thanks for asking!

Managed to calm down quite a bit after sending the thoughts away and also surfing internet sites all evening!

It got to 11pm and I started to get anxious again, mind went into overdrive again. Anyway, at 11.30pm Chris came home. He had walked back to his girlfriends house from the party, only about a 5 minute walk but I was glad I hadn't known about it! Her dad had then driven him back here.

Of course, nothing had happened at the party, no gatecrashers, no fights, just a few kids that had had a few too many drinks, but no trouble.

I had the best nights sleep last night than I have in ages.

BUT, I know that next time I'm faced with a similar situation I wont be thinking that nothing happened last time, it will be ok etc I will be feeling just as anxious, having the same thoughts. I know cos this happens every single time.

Kate

Piglet

14-11-05, 09:38

Glad it went ok Kate :)

Love Piglet :)

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

Trev

15-11-05, 14:32

Hi Kate,

sorry I didn't get back to you after your post but I was away a few days and didn't get on here. I didn't see your post until just now.

Hope you are feeling better?

Cheers,
Trev

trac67

15-11-05, 14:50

Hi Kate,

Glad everything went ok, and you managed a good nights sleep, any time you need a chat Mate, you have me on msn,so just give me a nudge for a good old gossip.

Take care
Trac xx

'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

kate

15-11-05, 14:54

Thanks everyone.

Kate

nomorepanic

15-11-05, 15:37

Kate

It was lovely to catch up on MSN last night - sorry it was under awkward circumstances but I hope you come back soon and then we will have a proper chat.

Nicola

kate

15-11-05, 16:31

Will catch you very soon, Nic!

Love Kate xx

kate

16-11-05, 15:09

I phoned the doctors yesterday as it has now been over 12 months since Hannah was referred to a pshychiatrist for her OCD, and we have still heard nothing.

The receptionist was brilliant. She has got us an emergency appointment with the GP tonight at 3.30pm for her to see Hannah and to try to either get things speeded up on the psychiatrist front or to explore other avenues for us.

She spent about half an hour on the phone to me and was very helpful and supportive.

Hannah is hardly attending school at the moment. She has been having some trouble with some lads in her year that keep calling her fat. She is nearly 14 years old and a size 12! This may not sound much but it is upsetting her so much. Chris, my son, had a word with the main ringleader yesterday but later in the day the lad called Hannah a fat **** again. Hannah was in floods of tears and the deputy head of house took her into her lesson and took a statement off her about what had happpened.

She hasn't gone to school again today and I am trying to get her into the school where I work so as I can keep an eye on her as much as anything.

She has special needs with the anxiety and the OCD and I think this should be recognised as much as a learing disorder is in schools. I can see her dropping out of school altogether soon and I will have to go down the home education route then.

Oh well, off to the doc's now. Will let you know how we get on.

Kate

Meg

16-11-05, 15:34

Hope it is going well for you Kate.

I shall see if I can pick anything up from Audrey Wagner at the conference that might help.

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

nomorepanic

16-11-05, 15:38

Hope it went ok Kate - fingers crossed for you both!

Nicola

Trev

16-11-05, 15:48

Hope it's good news Kate.

Trev

kate

16-11-05, 16:30

Well, the doctor said that we should have been back to see them when Hannah got worse! I tried to tell her that the doc that referred her originally had said that they could do nothing for her and that we would just have to wait for the consultation to come through. The doc said that if we hadn't been in touch then the surgery would assume that we had had the consultation and that Hannah was getting on fine!

We only didn't go back because we were told to wait for the psychiatrist to be in touch and this would take 12 months. Apparently, we can't be allocated a CPN as they are only available to adult patients. There are no other resources available to us but she will contact the psychiatric services to see how much longer we must wait.

She didn't even ask Hannah how her OCD was at the moment, just said she looked happy and healthy and asked her if she had ever self harmed. She should spend a couple of days with her LOL.

So, unfortunately yet another doctor that has got a clue about mental illness.

Well, looks like we just sit and wait, as we were doing already :(

Kate

andrew

16-11-05, 17:31

hi kate,

i think it is disgraceful how long your daughter has just been 'left' by the system and they are telling you to wait again after you followed their instructions. i would have lost any civility i arrived with.

anyway, hopefully they will start to care sooner rather than later - if they havent got in touch with you soon (2 weeks max) with a definate date i suggest you start hassling them with phone calls and i'd be complaining to the health authority and moaning to the local MP.

hope your both well .. tcx andrew

kate

16-11-05, 18:49

Hi Andrew,

Yes, that was what was annoying me so much. It was the GP that said nothing could be done until the referral went through and then the different GP is saying we should have gone back!

I was very, VERY abrupt with her, kept questioning her and she obviously didn't like it. She kept saying Mrs. Rushton blah blah, as if to reiterate her point.

Yes, 2 weeks maximum sounds more than reasonable to me. Heads will then start to roll!

Hope you are keeping well, Andrew, lovely to hear from you.

Kate x

Meg

16-11-05, 18:51

There are the OCD NICE guidelines to wave too.

nomorepanic

16-11-05, 18:52

Kate

Sorry it didn't go too well today. What a performance eh?

I hope you can get something moving on it soon and if not then give them hell!!

Good luck

Nicola

Piglet

17-11-05, 08:46

I hate it when doctors behave like that.

Like you say Kate only give it a couple of weeks - sometimes it seems you have to be pushy to get anywhere.

A good friend of mine has a son and he was bullied at school so she took him out. He had home tutution for a year then she managed to get him into a school further away and he did really well in his exams and is doing great at college now too.

Hopefully things will get resolved at school and you won't need to go down that path but I do know a couple more people who have done that too and it has been a success.

Big squeeze to you and Hannah.

Love Pig xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

kate

21-11-05, 19:04

Had a letter from the school where I work today saying there are no places available in year 9 and that there is already a waiting list.

Hannah went to school on Thursday and Friday but has been home again today. However, she did say she had seen the lad involved and he didn't say anything to her so maybe her filling out the incident report has made the teachers take some action.

On a more positive note, I had a couple of little successes today! I managed to drive to work in thick fog this morning without too much panic. I have just got back from dropping Chris at his girlfriends house. Only a 5 minute drive but it is now pitch black and STILL foggy. On the way home I went to the chip shop for Hannah, had to stand in a never ending queue, but managed it. I hate going to the shops in the dark and standing in queues in the dark is something I never do if at all possible!

So a couple of little positives, the first in a very long while.

Kate

nomorepanic

21-11-05, 19:07

Kate

Sorry to hear about Hannah and not being able to get her in your school.

A big well done to you though for all your achievements today. I know you don't like driving much so you did fab to do it in the fog and dark.

Big hug for the positives mate
xx

Nicola

Piglet

21-11-05, 19:09

Ditto from me mate.:D

Love Pig xx

Meg

21-11-05, 19:17

Glad to hear of all the good things today Kate.

Sorry about the disappointment of the school.

Love

Meg

kate

21-11-05, 19:46

Thanks everyone.

Kate

Trev

21-11-05, 22:03

Ditto really. Well done.

Cheers,
Trev

kate

23-11-05, 21:24

Yesterday wasn't such a positive one. Was supposed to take Hannah to dancing as hubby was at work. BUT, it was in the dark, freezing fog was forecast, and it is about a 20 minute drive past loads of fields and darkness, so I'm afraid I bottled it :(

Hannah went mad and the worst thing was that the fog never materialized so of course I felt guilty, a failure etc.

Today started badly. The kids have a half day tomorrow and Hannah wanted to go into town after school. I said no cos I will be at work and I wanted her to come straight home so I would know where she is, what she is doing etc. I must add here that hubby totally agreed with me on this. She was very nasty, called me some names, said that "everyone elses mom's let them go to town". She also said that they pick on her enough anyway and this would make it even worse. I said that if they were true friends then they would accept out decision and that would be it.

All this happened before 8 oclock this morning [xx(] and is how most of our mornings seem to be to be honest. Then followed the usual apologies etc only because she can't go off to school thinking that we aren't friends cos of the bloody OCD anxieties.

I went off to work at 8.15 feeling like a bag of s**t. At about 10.30 someone said something to me that really annoyed me and I just burst out crying and went and hid in the loo [:I].

I am just worn out and worn down, I feel like I could stay in bed for a week. I could really do with a few days off to get myself back together but we already have 1 girl off sick til next Thursday and it is really hard when we are down on numbers.

I can't explain how fraught life is here ALL the time. There is Hannah with all her stuff going on, me with all MY stuff, a hubby doing shifts who never seems to be here. I am just so knackered it's untrue.

Just had to get all this off my chest :(

Kate

Piglet

23-11-05, 22:27

Kate,

I few years ago I lost count of how many rows we had in this house before school. At times I really felt I was gonna have a heart attack, I used to get so angry, sometimes I would get sad and think I must be the crappiest mother going and other times I used to wonder who was in charge and I would get so fed up of being the bad guy.

The teenage years (despite having lovely kids) has been a test of every bit of my personality. I have had to learn tolerance, I have had learn patience, I have to learn diplomacy, I have to learn to look at the bigger picture, I have had to learn that sometimes being a responsible mum is not the same as being a 'cool' mum, I have most of all had to learn that I am still learning and will always be learning.

I, like you am plagued with doubt about my parenting skills but the one thing no-one can say is that I don't love my kids and that I haven't done my best.

Teenagers test every bit of you - you have to stand firm and go with your instincts ready to tread the middle ground and adapt if you need to.

How is it the mistakes we make we hold onto so much easier than all the good stuff we do.

Also remember that all across the land there are millions of households having exactly the same kinda morning!!!!!

Big squeeze:)

Love Piglet :)

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.