they are making me ill

[lonely]

consultant pshychiatrists threats of hospitaliasation is making me more ill, can't they see the more pressure they are putting on me the more depressed i get i pick up when not seeing them then see them and feel like hit a brick wall running and bounc back again :weep:
saw consultant pshychiatrist for first time yesterday not allowed to see my keyworker anymore :weep: :weep: i had one last app with them before they left but i could open up to them
the consultant is a male im scared of males :weep:
i asked for referral to eating disorder clinic and yesterday consultant put sme under more pressure saying if he finds out i dont go he'll admit me in hospital, i will escape if he even tries it
i am going to the appointment for eating disorder clinic as i asked in first place, i have never missed any appointments so find his threats intimidating and not needed as it makes me feel much worse, i am nervous about travelling on public transport as it is, to somewhere hour away and unknown area, shame nearest one at the next hospital is only for under 18's

but i still think he has no right to threaten me or anyone else who is anorexic with these threats like this, surely it will make them much worse, yesterday i came home and tried to stuff myself with anything i could eat, im worried as at my heaviest ive never been mor ethen 7 aand half stone and been 7stone for a long time, until pressure off cpn made me more panicky and distressed that i cut myself more self harming and cut food out thru anxiety and got to nearly 6stone, cant they see the pressure they are putting me in is what is causing all this :weep: :weep:

[ElizabethJane]

Lonely I'm really sorry that you have got these complicated problems. I have never had an eating disorder so I cannot really comment on that. I guess that the psychiatrist has seen that your weight is getting lower owing to your depression and anxiety. If you want to get well you will have to allow him or someone else to take control until you are a bit better again. I expect that if you go below a certain weight he could admit you under a section? Obviously you have a problem with males? If you are compliant and attend the day hospital maybe the pressure on you would be a bit less? I can understand you feeling cornered and under pressure but that is all part of the process of getting better.The psychiatrist is I think testing you to keep you out of hospital. Try to attend the day hospital possibly getting a lift from someone until you are feeling a bit better.

[lonely]

i was 40kg yesterday he said any lower even if i drop to 1kg lower and thats it :weep: i cant be admitted i need my garden and my pets, if i do my garden will die its not like any other garden people say its like a show garden, everything in order and precise, deaheading everyday, right amount of water and feed, and care, baskets have died in past without me being there even for a week, when i was in hospital for night in may, the baskets went into shock from the wind and looked bad just after that night :(

[ElizabethJane]

Is there someone who could look after the garden if you did have to go to hospital? If there is a friend or neighbour who could do it, it would take the pressure off you a little? Doctors have a duty of care to their patients and he could not stand back and allow you to die? I expect that you have been through this scenario before and know what to expect? There were people who had eating disorders when I was in hospital. It was really hard for them as it was for us with depression as their thinking about themselves was distorted ie they thought that they were fat as was ours with depression that we were hateful and most people would wish we were not alive anyway. That is the illness talking in both cases it is not a real perception of the truth. I hope that you can accept the help that is offered lonely even if it involves admission. I hope that you feel better soon.