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bellabee
13-09-05, 17:28
Hi all

I thought quite hard about whether to post this or not...it's something which scares the hell out of me, and it's really quite horrible, so apologies if it's disturbing/offensive to anyone.

7 years ago my friend hanged himself. It was very sudden, and happened after I had been out with him for the evening. He 'seemed normal', we had a fun evening, yet half an hour after leaving my house he was dead. This destroyed me, but I tried to keep myself together, and spent a lot of time comforting his mum and his other friends, including his ex-girlfriend who took it very badly. About six months after this I was sitting on my bed reading a newspaper and there was a short article about someone else who had hanged themselves. I didn't know this person, yet it popped into my head...'what if I did the same'. Naturally I was incredibly scared of this thought, and tried to push it away, yet it came back again and again, and grew worse and worse. Soon I had to come back home to stay with my parents. I had no idea what was going on, I was only 21, and I really couldn't figure these thoughts/images and urges out. My mum took me to the doctor who diagnosed PTSD and borderline OCD. I was put on seroxat, which I took, and was referred to a counsellor. I saw the counsellor for a few weeks, and I guess I began to feel a bit better (although I can't really remember the details as I blocked a lot of it out). One session she told me that I wasn't going to kill myself, and the relief was immense. This was the turning point in my recovery, and soon I was able to disregard the thoughts. I came off the anti depressants a year or so later, and I thought that that was the end of it.

A couple of years or so after that I had to take an HIV test. Luckily it came back fine, and I was ecstatic. However, I then had to take another test for various reasons, and this time I wouldn't get the results for 3 months. In this time the obsessional thoughts/urges/images came back, which destroyed me. It was really hard going, and I didn't go back to the doctors as I did not want to go back on medication. Plus I had friends and family telling me to 'snap out of it' so I kept it pretty quiet. I never made any connections at this time that trying to push the thoughts away was maybe making them worse. However, when the test results came back, again negative, I was over the moon and managed to push the thoughts away. I had joyful visions of a bright future and I promised myself I would never get that low again. Anyway...fast forward another two or so years, a school production, OFSTED inspection, epilepsy diagnosis, bereavement and tumultous relationship breakdown the thoughts are back. Again, I initially tried to push them away as I thought I was being silly. I felt weak, ashamed of myself and mortified that things had got so bad again. I struggled for five weeks, using EFT, accupuncture and flower remedies. At this time I had never heard of obsessive thoughts in relation to anxiety, and I had actually forgotten that the doctor had mentioned OCD originally - at this time I still thought that OCD had physical rituals, and didn't realise that what I had been doing in response to the thoughts could be classified as a mental ritual - problem solving, reassuring and ruminating. I went to my new doctor, who wouldn't hear of it, diagnosed me as depressed and put me on anti depressents. He asked me if I had been doing ouija boards, which I hadn't! I have started CBT privately, as there is a 9 month wait down here for it on the NHS, and the doctor wouldn't refer me anyway.

These thoughts are SO scary. They are absolutely bringing me to my knees. I don't want to die - I love my life (minus the thoughts anyway!) and I have a great family/friends/job/flat. The one thing I don't have is much self esteem, and I feel terribly guilty about some of the things I have done in the past. I don't know how to think positive about myself- negativity about myself is something I learned many years ago, and never even really realised that people

tammyg
13-09-05, 20:49
Hi Bella,

I don't really have any advice for you but I do know you are definately not alone with this. At times, everybody has thoughts that scare them. I know I do! I also find myself thinking about things, that I know (rationally) I would never do, as though I am doing them. 'It's just a thought' is a good phrase to keep in your head. Also, sometimes when I'm thinking 'what if ( ) happens' or 'what if I...'. I make myself think afterwards, 'what if it doesn't!'. This usually makes me realise how irrational I am being.

It sounds like you have been through a lot and even if you are a happy person generally, sometimes these things do just rear their ugly heads.

Try to remember those times you posted about when you were feeling better, and tell yourself you can feel like that again.:D

Let us know how you get on with the CBT.


Tam x

kate H
13-09-05, 21:12
Hi Bella,

Sounds like youve been through some pretty tough times over the years and im not suprised you have suffered as a result of this.

Many things that happen in our lives effect us. I had some things that happened in my childhood that have caused me to have anxiety. I still havent got the courage to speak out about them. Not to a doctor, therapist or anyone.

It sounds as if you have got your head screwed on and the main thing is that you are aware of these thoughts and feelings and that you are dealing with them. If you were going mad you wouldnt know you were going mad if you know what I mean?

As for the thoughts you will find a lot of people on this site have had thoughts like that including myself.

I hope you get some good support on this site and please pm me if you need to talk.

Kx



.......Is your past barging in on your future? Make a better 2morrow 2day.......

AnxiousAndy
13-09-05, 21:47
Yup i have thoughts like that all the time.. the first one i had that set this whole thing in motion was of me hurting my wife, it was really scary and i thought for sure i was losing my mind because i could not stop thinking about it. It made no sense at all because i love my wife and would never hurt her but the intrusive thoughts and urges made me think that i was going to lose control and do it.

i have also had the suicide obsession and i didnt want to die i just want to live a normal happy life but again i could not stop thinking about it. i also had to start having someone around me 24/7 when i went through that thought obsession because i was worried i would actually act on it.

A suicidal person is not going to think there is something wrong with the way they are thinking... they want to die, you obviously dont. So i dont believe you are going to act on the thoughts, and i dont think you really do either but they are just so scary it makes it seem like you could... if that made sense.

what i have is called Pure-O OCD it is all thought based i have no outward compulsions (e.g. hand washing, needing things in order.)
it sounds like this could be the case with you also.

the only advice i can give you is if you can try just to relax when you get those thoughts and know it is just your OCD acting up and its not a "true" thought.

sal
14-09-05, 00:20
Hi Bella

However bad my days get it is the thoughts that take it out of me. I have struggled with them now for 6 years and it does get easier but on totally anxious days reality and rationalising them disappears from my head.

It is horrible and without out the thoughts i convince myself i would be fine. I have had loads of help and it has helped me loads and i hope i can help you. You havent had it easy and it is no wonder why you think like you do. If i can help at all pm me as i do understand.

I joined this site and was scared to say what i felt or thought but seeing i wasnt alone gave me a lot of strength that i was missing and helped me see that i wasnt mad although i felt it.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".

andrew
14-09-05, 08:17
hi bella,

no matter what twists and turns your anxiety puts on this - do hold onto the fact that this is a thought OCD situation.

it sounds like your doing the right things, you felt at risk on your own - moved back with folks, wanted to talk - got yourself a counsellor and your posting it here and its so much easier to rationalise this when it is out in the open and de-shame the situation, you havent done anything wrong.

also, i'd say 'all those things you feel guilty about' share them in your counselling. train yourself to think positive, just start writing positive things you do in your day and read them out loud to yourself - it does work lol ( it might take a long time before you feel positive but you can think it without feeling it ) personally i think as you come to terms with yourself, you'll learn how to live/cope with this situation, it will take as long as it takes. looking back thats what i found .. tc andrew

bellabee
14-09-05, 11:35
Thanks for your replies. I'm finding this so hard at the moment, but reading your replies has helped...I really appreciate it.

B x

rozza
14-09-05, 20:30
Oh Bella,

I can totally relate to this. My thoughts are similar although I get totally convinced I'm going to hurt someone else and I'd rather kill myself than do that. But I don't want to die either, I want to be better and happy again. I haven't had a friend commit suicide but I have had some fairly traumatic experiences and feel that it may be related to that and the need to punish myself, which I know is wrong and something I obviously need to work on. I am currently seeing a psychologist and know I really need CBT but its £70 a hour round my way and I simply can't afford it! One thing that does make me feel better is knowing other people have felt the same as me and got over it and that it is just a thought but it doesn't always help. Gets incredibly scary at times. It has a name as well, pure O OCD, which means it is recognised as an illness, something that brings me a bit of comfort. Although at times I do still think I'm going completely crazy. Ah well! I do get worried I'm going to have to life like this forever but at the end of the day I want to get better and am starting to get help so I have to stay positive and I hope you can too.

Take care,
Roz xx



'All I want is to be normally insane' Marlon Brando

bellabee
15-09-05, 19:01
Thank you all for your messages. It's so horrible all of this isn't it, I mean not just my situation, but what everyone is going through. I hope that maybe I can help some people in this board in some way on day in the ways that you have helped me, just be accepting me and what I'm saying.

My CBT therapist keeps telling me that I have to say, 'it's a possibility' every time I get the thought, but I don't want to accept that it is a possibility, which is where I'm getting stuck at the moment! And I think I'm getting a bit obsessive about finding the 'right' way to deal with these thoughts. It's like I just want to be better right now, guess I have to be patient...

Anyway, thanks again, love B x

Meg
15-09-05, 19:14
Just thoughts - not instructions.

Simon23
15-09-05, 20:45
Hey, i Have had similar thoughts before and its like you feel like you are going to lose control and kill yourself even though rationally you dont want to. My way of coping with it is just not think about it. It is really hard to do but if you just totally clear your mind as thoughts can control feelings as much as the other way round. It probably isnt the long term way to deal with it but once you can stop these negative thoughts by not letting them begin to spiral out of control ie think of work or going out etc you will become more confident in counteracting the feelings. Well thats what works for me anyway.
Simon

Simon Quill

april tones
16-09-05, 16:13
hi, i get these too. havent been on here for a while but all my thoughts and lowness have coe back. mine are like them and sexual ones. its hard to talk about it. i het them with my son like i cant look at his bits too much or if i talk about them im dirty etc, i hate it, it is so upsetting, id never hurt him! eva! the thoughts are so bad. i have been raped when 6, maybe its something to do with that? i had pnd now fibro which does make you havfe depression. my friends son is terminally ill that dont help though as it upsets me and i worry of mine. please reply xxx

apriltones

claire
23-09-05, 12:18
hi i have the same problem and i think this website its fantastic at letting people talk about it. i have just been prescribed anti-depressants and im waiting to meet someone to work with me through anxiety. i'm scared of taking the anti depressants because im scared it might make me feel worse as it said that suicidal thoughts are a rare side effect. Please Bella realise youre not alone and it can be overcome.
Claire

ANXIETY26
23-09-05, 17:38
as you can see by the replies, you are definatley not alone. I also suffer from these thoughts. It's only since I started taking medication though which makes me worry what these tablets do to you.

rozza
23-09-05, 23:59
Hi Bella,

I thought it might reassure you a bit if I updated you on how I'm dealing with my intrusive and unwanted thoughts. I have been seeing a psychologist who has explained to me that everyone has thoughts like this at times and it's the way we react to them that causes the problems.

The thoughts we have are that abhorrent we get anxious and distressed about them whereas a 'normal' person would just dismiss them as a matter of course if you see what I mean. One of the most important things to do is understand it is just a thought.

My psychologist has suggested I do some flash cards so that when I'm stressed or tired and the thoughts get worse I have something concrete to look at and focus on to take me back to when I was feeling OK and reassure me. For example, one of the cards could say 'it's just a thought' or 'remember that other time you thought that, it didn't happen did it?'.

I'm not feeling too bad at the moment, I no longer think I am going to lose control and harm someone although the thoughts are still there under the surface and it's important to find ways to deal with them. Let the thoughts come and realise they are just thoughts and you are not going to act on them.

I have also been on anti-depressants for 4 weeks now and really feel they have helped. Started yoga as well which is lovely and relaxing! Hope this helps in some way.

Take care,
Roz x

'All I want is to be normally insane' Marlon Brando

Sarah-Jane
24-09-05, 01:08
The mind is a powerful thing and the intrusive thoughts we get when anxious can be scary. I hope you find peace soon xxxxx

Love & Hugs from Sarah-Jane xxxx

mum2four
24-09-05, 02:34
I just found this site yesterday and I'm glad I did.

Your story sound so a lot like mine specaily the part about not wanting to drive in case you hurt someone that has alway's been my biggest fear about driving I know I can drive well but I worry that one small accident will cause me to loose control over my anxiety BIG time. My other gratest fear is of being arrested which of course dont little to ease my concern about driving since police monitor road activity ect.

The way you discribed you thought process was so like mine and the peopls I have talk to about in my life about my thought just tell me to get over it and stop thinking too much but I alway's ask them "and how do I do that" thay of often get angry at me a dont speak to me month on end till it suit's them to start talk to me again.

Ity's just good to finaly know I'm not alone in the way I think.

bellabee
24-09-05, 09:23
Hi

Thanks again for all of your replies. I'm making some progress at the moment, but there's still lots going on in my life which are causing me anxiety. I'm having problems with my ex boyfriend saying very hurtful things and my sister is also very ill. In terms of the positive though, I am beginning to feel much more like my normal self, maybe the meds are kicking in! I'm really putting all of the advice I get into practice though, and whilst I still hold some fear with regard to these thoughts, and a part of me still worries that a) I might act on them, b) that I'll never be free of them and c) that maybe it's not anxiety but that I really am suicidal/at risk as I have pictured my own death so many time, is it suicidal ideation etc, I still feel I'm beginning to win the battle.

One thing that was really positive was that I rang a helpline, Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS) and they told me that this kind of reaction was perfectly normal. They recommended some books, and in many places these make perfect sense, in that 'survivors' often experience these kinds of thoughts because suicide is now in our frame of reference etc. However, the books do make me feel a bit anxious at times as they list danger signs for people who are suicidal and these include suicidal urges, suicidal ideation etc and I have been through all of these. This is where I worry that it's not anxiety but that it's more serious. Still, my flipping mind, it twists everything and anything so I shouldn't be suprised that this is now a worry!

bellabee
24-09-05, 09:25
Oops, don't know what I pressed there - posted before I had finished writing! Anyway, as usual a million thanks for your replies and advice, really, really appreciated. How is everone else doing?

Love B xx

Parker
24-09-05, 09:46
Hi bellabee :D

I know exactly where your coming from. You try to reassure yourself by saying this is just a thought but then something pops out from the back of your head and says is it really just a thought or are you really feeling like this because you want to do it.

I've been suffering with thoughts like this for about 4 months at first they scarred the hell out of me but after doing a bit of reading on OCD it became apparent that lots of people have these thoughts. I think it's safe to say that if these thoughts really scare you then you won't act on them people who want to kill themselves aren't afraid to do it.

My own belief is that people who suffer from anxiety are far more open to suggestion. It's like we need (for the use of a better word) something to worry about, I know that's how I feel sometimes. You wake up feeling OK and then your brain thinks "why aren't I worrying about something" It then take the first stimulation it can and uses that as the bases of the panic process. I hate reading storys in the newspaper about suicides because I know that for the rest of the day I'll think about little else.

Take care,
P xx

clickaway
24-09-05, 15:08
Hi Bella,

I dont know very much about OCD or the suicidal thoughts, but I'm hoping that this site and the CBT is beginning to help you.

I hope you're able to have a fairly good social life despite all of this. I'm sure that will help too.

Take Care and be happy,

Ray

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

bellabee
29-09-05, 20:36
Hi everyone. hoep you are all well.

Thought I'd post again to say thank you for your support. I'm doing ok at the moment, still feels like a battle, but I think I'm getting there. The CBT is beginning to help, although my therapist hasn't mentionned anything about the way I think about the thoughts - she's still focusing on getting me to accept that it is a possibility. But I like what your therapist said much better Rozza! : )

I'm still working full time and my very hectic teaching job takes my mind off things a bit. I'm actually finding that I dread the weekends now, which is an experience I've mever had before! There's too much time to sit around thinking at the weekend! Mind you, I'm going out tomorrow night, so that should cheer me up no end!

Anyway, hope everyone else is doing well

Love B x

rozza
29-09-05, 21:48
Hi Bella,

Good to hear you're starting to do better, it is a battle and it's all fought in your own mind so no-one else can see it. You do have to keep busy and just try to carry on as normal and hopefully one day you'll realise you've gone the whole day and not been bothered by any thoughts.

I'm still feeling quite optimistic although still having some bad days. But I think that's just par for the course really isn't it?!

If you ever fancy a chat pm me. It's always reassuring to know that you're not alone.

Take care,
Roz x

'All I want is to be normally insane' Marlon Brando

Meg
29-09-05, 22:38
Roz,

Yes it is completely *just par for the course really isn't it?! *
Well done

Bella..

Keep with the CBT . If you haven't accepted its possible you cannot move on to the next steps yet !

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

rozza
30-09-05, 18:29
Do you know sometimes I wonder how old I am?! Par for the course is something my grandpa would say but to be honest sums it up pretty well!! xx

'All I want is to be normally insane' Marlon Brando

lara100
12-10-05, 17:29
Hi

Last week I found out my boyfriend has been messing about with another girl and I got drunk ( I am a binge drinker). He came home and we had a massive fight I punched him and he punched me back. The girl who lives downstairs called the police and we both were arrested and cautioned. I spent quite a few hours in a cell panicking dreadfully because I couldnt get out and I was so upset about what had happened with my ex. The next few days were pure hell. I had constant panic attacks and I felt like my normal thinking had flipped over like a joint out of place. I felt like I was going to murder someone even though underneath I didnt want to and I was terrified I would just do it and have no say in the matter. I felt like I was going to kill my best friend who has been so kind to me over the past couple of days. I was absolutley terrified I was going to go out of control, get drunk and go to the pub where this girl works and smash her face in. I was terrified I would end up going to jail and I really felt I was going insane. I literally thought I would be sitting at home and the next minute I would be standing over some persons body without knowing what had happened or how I had got there i.e. I had no control over what I was going to do. Ive never had this before and it really scared me I thought this is it i'm cracking up! I never thought of ocd before but I do have a habit of checking stuff is off in my flat a few times before I go out because Im terrified of fire. I feel slightly better now but I still have moments of sudden fear about it and I have not been to the pub because \Im scared of what I might do. I know I havent had as bad a time as Bella but I really thought I was going mad.

Meg
12-10-05, 17:44
Lara,

After the tumultous emotions and energy charged time that you went through during that episode , I think you share many of those out of control thoughts with many other angry, frustrated, furious, betrayed people.

I wouldn't start considering a OCD diagnosis on the result of this last week.

You didn't carry out any of those things and are now feeling better as you have less adrenaline/cortisol surging through you

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

rozza
12-10-05, 17:46
Hi there,

Just read Lara's post and I felt I had to reply. I have the same thoughts. I am convinced that I am going to lose control one day and physically harm someone I love. They are scary, but one thing I have learnt since coming on here are that they are only thoughts. I have my up and down days, some being worse than others, but I'm just about surviving and trying to tell myself life is for living not worrying. I worry that I'm going mad or psychotic or schizophrenic but at the end of the day I'm not, it's anxiety related. Everyone has thoughts like this at some point in their lives. It's how we deal with them that counts.


Is there anyone you can talk to about the thoughts? Have they only come on recently?

Take care,
Roz x

'All I want is to be normally insane' Marlon Brando

bellabee
12-10-05, 18:52
Hi Lara (and everyone else! :))

Hope you are doing okay. It sounds like you've had a difficult time Lara, and I hope that you're beginning to feel better. How are things going?

Love B x

jossboss
13-10-05, 13:32
Hi bella,

I often gets bad thoughts too. They used to be worse they eased up but still get the odd 1. I have just moved away from home and am living with my sister i am having trouble finding a job at the moment and have social phobia which isn't helping me. Although i don't OCD i was reading about just now and think i have sum of the symtoms i have been on anti-depessants the same ones as you but i don't want to go back on them and not that many people i no understand want im going though. I pleased today that i have found sum people to talk to about all this, sharing our thoughts and feeling with each other will help us though.

Keep going mate you will get though.

luv jay xx

lara100
13-10-05, 16:33
Hi Bella

I feel loads better today thanks. Im still having that nasty dizzy feeling but the bad thoughts are not as "real" as they were on saturday. That was really weird, your right though it is just anxiety but ive never had it affect my mind in such a way before! Thanks for all your replies.

Lara

lara100
13-10-05, 17:03
Hi this is a reply to mum2four,

I know what you mean when people say silly things like 'pull yourself together' etc. Some people I talk to just get a faraway look in thir eyes and switch off. Its because they don't have any 'evidence' of you are experiencing, it would be different if you had a broken arm for example.

You are a unique and special person, just like everyone else with a disorder like panic. I know it sounds weird but really we should all be proud of the fact that we have the courage and integrity to deal with such a horrible and frightening thing on a daily basis. Many of those who say daft things may not be able to cope like you do if the boot were on the other foot.

I think that sometimes when we ask for help from others who do not experience our disorder, and they trivialise it it makes us feel inadequate and as though we are not 'normal' (whatever that means)because, unfortunately society still does not accept that special illnesses ,such as the one we experience, are not valid because THEY are the ones who cant understand it. When you ask for help from others, you could try and reinforce the fact that you DO have a disorder (there is plenty of medical research into it - i know because I have a degree in biomedical science and Ive been through the journals), and say it would help you if they would listen to you. If they dont then you may have to ask if THEY are worth YOUR time.

Also this website is excellent and supportive. Everyone here supports you because they understand what you are going through. Im sure there are loads of people who are members of this site and who obviusly support you. Thats better than a few misguided individuals who feel thay cant take the time to listen to you. Did you also know that most people with panic are highly intelligent people? We think too much! Look at all the other great people in history who made their mark but were considered eccentric or 'mad'!

I dont mean to go on I hope this helps you, I feel very strongly about this sort of thing because I believe that if people took more time to help each other it would make life alot easier and it such a simple thing!

Lara x

lara100
13-10-05, 17:04
Hi this is a reply to mum2four,

I know what you mean when people say silly things like 'pull yourself together' etc. Some people I talk to just get a faraway look in thir eyes and switch off. Its because they don't have any 'evidence' of you are experiencing, it would be different if you had a broken arm for example.

You are a unique and special person, just like everyone else with a disorder like panic. I know it sounds weird but really we should all be proud of the fact that we have the courage and integrity to deal with such a horrible and frightening thing on a daily basis. Many of those who say daft things may not be able to cope like you do if the boot were on the other foot.

I think that sometimes when we ask for help from others who do not experience our disorder, and they trivialise it it makes us feel inadequate and as though we are not 'normal' (whatever that means)because, unfortunately society still does not accept that special illnesses ,such as the one we experience, are not valid because THEY are the ones who cant understand it. When you ask for help from others, you could try and reinforce the fact that you DO have a disorder (there is plenty of medical research into it - i know because I have a degree in biomedical science and Ive been through the journals), and say it would help you if they would listen to you. If they dont then you may have to ask if THEY are worth YOUR time.

Also this website is excellent and supportive. Everyone here supports you because they understand what you are going through. Im sure there are loads of people who are members of this site and who obviusly support you. Thats better than a few misguided individuals who feel thay cant take the time to listen to you. Did you also know that most people with panic are highly intelligent people? We think too much! Look at all the other great people in history who made their mark but were considered eccentric or 'mad'!

I dont mean to go on I hope this helps you, I feel very strongly about this sort of thing because I believe that if people took more time to help each other it would make life alot easier and it such a simple thing!

Lara x

bellabee
13-10-05, 20:01
I think that what you say there is fab Lara, and so true. I'm feeling quite ashamed of myself at the moment for being 'weak' and for having these issues, although on many levels I'm well aware that I'm actually an amazingly strong person, as we all are. People do find it hard to understand, and I feel that there is still such a stigma attached to these kinds of disorders. In fact, apart from the thoughts themselves, which aren't yet abating, the next hardest thing for me is, and has been since these problems first started, trying to feel good about myself. I've always thought I was a bit mad, and have felt somewhat inferior to others who seem to be more down to earth and 'sensible' than me.

B x

lara100
18-10-05, 17:23
Hi Bellabee,

I know what you mean evertime something goes wrong in my life I attribute it to being my fault! I dont think positvely about myself either! I think the continual panic probably makes us all feel like rubbish most of the time its all the hard work that goes into it makes us tired and low.

Lara x

doddy
22-10-05, 13:54
bella,

just read your orginal post and can relate whole heartedly. I got the most horrendous flash thoughts, killing someone, klling myself, harming children you name it i got it. To be honest my CBT therapist showed me a study on peoples thoughts and it was fascinating. It would seem that most of the general population, in fact upto 90% of people get these odd thoughts but just dismiss them and move on......but for people like us we find that hard to do. But its just a thought, i could sit and think about winning the lottery all day today but it aint gonna happen, especially seeing that i havent got a ticket!!! i could sit and think about being the world snooker champion and have images of this, but it aint gonna happen. the mreason it sticks is that it scares you and then the mind goes into overdrive to why am i having this thought? i must be mad? i must be suicidal?? you are none of these, you are just a worrier, plain and simple.

I rarely have these thoughts anymore to be honest and if they do I can now just smile at them and they are gone. I dont reccomend this to anyone but I use to sit down at night for 20 mins, close my eyes and try to have the most awful thoughts imaginable for 20 mins and just go with them, and in the end i started to actually laugh out loud at them as they became soooooo bizare. so when the thought flashed the next day or week i just laughed out lound, and I mean i thought the oddest, horrendous things you could think of, but i belive tha I just simple took the fear out of the thoughts, and when the fears gone then theres no problem. its not the thought its the fear you attach to it.

anyways, i hope you are doing well, you seem to have agreat attitude towards this and im sure you will be just fine, and i agree, it hard to accept that there is always a possibility, i didnt like that either, i wanted definate no that might never happen, but i might go out and run someone over today, i might attack someone, but it hard likely and ive had this thought for over a year so if was gonna happen then it would of happened by now. Just one other thing, people who are seriusly mentally ill, or crazy as you might refer, then if they were going to do the things you think off, then they would just do them and propably enjoy it, they certainly wouldnt be scared like we are. We are far less likely to do any of our awful thoughts than the general population.

anywas, sorry to waffle.

take care.

doddy

bellabee
23-10-05, 16:27
Thanks for that message Doddy, it sounds like you've got things sorted! It's great to see, and very encouraging.

Thanks, Bx

christian
30-10-05, 22:55
It seems our minds like to play with possibilities.
It's about evaluating threats in one's environment.
If some one else does somethinjg bad its only natural to wonder why wouldn't i do that to? After all I am a person like them are I not.
In some poeple this kind of thinking goes a little haywire.
What you think of as urges are merely images, illusions.
You might be smitten with a popstar but that doesn't mean you going to hunt them down and propose marriage any time soon.

The other day I was sitting in the park, cloud-gazing when the thought occured to me that I could take all my clothes off and run around like a crazy person. The thought was truelly frightening to me. It WAS possible that I could go mad and do that. What was there to stop me? I soon became sick to my stomach with worry. And then an answer came to me: I wouldn't do that because I am a "civilized" person.

So it perhaps it is a simple as reminding yourself that you are NOT the sort of person who would harm themselves or anyone they love. You don't have to identify so closely with your own thoughts. The unconscious mind is maybe more like television than Reality.

I personally think a lot of these problems stem from a sense of alianation.
We have a need to cultivate a deeper sense of relatedness with oneself and the people you care about. It is important to express good and bad emotions in a healthy way. Psychotherapy helps with this. and so on and now I've lost the thread of what I was thinking so I will stop.

Dr. Casey
21-02-06, 02:56
To anyone who needs an extra little bit of help, Rhodiola Rosea Root is a strong medicine. I had a pretty severe case of Pure Obssessive myself; the thoughts started off at once or twice a week, then got more frequent until they were firing off every second. Now it bothers me, in total, maybe one minute a day. So, yeah, it can help with severe cases. Good medicine, Rhodiola.

shoegal
21-03-06, 06:46
Hi.
I am thinking about having my first baby but the thought of being pregnant terrifies me. I am scared that I will not be able to cope with the pregnancy, and I'm scared that when the baby is born I will be a bad mother. I know this is ridiculous because I am a qualified child carer with 15 years experience and I have never had any problems. I am being totally irrational but I can't help thinking about the 'what if's'. I would also be too embarrassed to ask my Doctor for help.

joebobmichael
21-03-06, 20:31
hi bella I don't know if it would help you but you might check out my new book Man Interrupted a diary of my battling severe OCD and winning, mostly, at your local bookstores or at amazon. Best Jim

sassy
24-03-06, 00:29
hi :)
my ex hung himself back in 1997 and i blamed myself for years, maybe even now if im honest.
my panic attacks and obsessive thoughts are mostly because i have such low self esteem. sometimes i cant even bare to look in the mirror as i think im an ugly person inside and out. i could name a million and one things that i think are wrong with me. just when i tell myself im doing better again, i almost make myself think the most terrible thoughts about harming the kids or dying or anything, almost to prove my own point that im a bad person. in my case i sometimes think they are my way of self harm..or punishing myself/proving my point.
once they r there, they are very hard to shift.
however..finally ive found this site. the ONLY place i can freely admit my feelings and for the first time in a year, i have managed to stop the thoughts as quick as they come. im now pretty sure that they r ONLY thoughts..im not capable of such things. ive been thinking about death for 13 years and im still here :)
im sure i'll have bad days like all of us here but just knowing you arnt the only one is such a blessed relief!

mellyboo
04-10-10, 11:54
hi i totally understand what you r going through, i also lost a partner to suicide which was devistating back in 2007 which mentally i handeld pretty well concidering the circumstances.. now in 2010 my mental state feels like i have mentaly collapesd thinking strange thoughts like your self which scares the living daylights out of me! ive been the docotrs and he said i have stress and anxiety which i think his right but it does not explain these thoughts im getting which i was to assamed to mention to him at the time! reading your post has made me feel more at ease n ready to go back to the doctors and explain that i might have this pure o ocd do u think i have? please post back any advice thankyou xx

bumbles
05-10-10, 07:08
Just really wanted to ay that I too have these thoughts , that I will harm a child or commit suicide. EverytimeI hear something horrible onn the news, it causes me to start thinking bad things, I would give anything for peace of mind. XXX love to u all they are only thoughts