View Full Version : Bipolar?
Have been a bit quiet on the forum this past week as I've been avoiding thinking about the outcome of my last counselling session.
I came of citalopram and have been having bad bouts of anxiety including one bad weekend where I was low and emotionally erratic.
After this I spoke to my counsellor (who I've been seeing for 3 months) and I am being referred for assessment for bipolar disorder. I've read some information around it and it makes sense about everything I've experienced over the past 13 years but I'm not sure how I feel about it.
On the up side I know it means I'm likely to get more therapy for a longer period of time (this is the main reason my counsellor wants me to be referred because she believes that I need more than the three months we've had, and more specialised to help me find more proactive ways to deal with it)
I just am scared about it defining me. I don't want to spend my life on medication and have to constantly declare it.
I know essentially it's putting a label on what I experience and I'm still exactly the same as I was before, just with potentially more help but it's quite a bit to take on board.
I will find out more on Friday but in the meantime does anyone else have bipolar disorder and how does it affect your life?
Hiya.I too am having an assessment in a couple of weeks for bipolar.
It was mentioned to me 2 years ago and then I was left to cope alone.Until recently.
I returned to my GP who referred me to another MH team.
All of my life I have dealt with anxiety...even behavioural problems as a child which were totally unexplained.
I totally understand your mixed emotions about this....but just think.At last....not just being told its anxiety.Being fobbed off.
You can start having the correct medication, you can learn about bipolar and new coping mechanisms as the ones you used in the past may have failed.
I believe its a total new look at all your stuff and brand new ways to deal with it.
There are certain (shall we say) degrees of bipolar.... and it may take a little time but it can be very well controlled.
I really wish you well. I know Im not answering your question, as I came on here to see if any members suffered from Bipolar but Im relieved that at last, I will be receiving proper help.
Hi,
I'm also glad there are more people around on the site that feel this way.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar, 3 nearly 4yrs ago now I guess, also BPD but I believe this is all part of the illness aswell as the anxiety and panic.
I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm currently in and out of hospital. This episode luckily is much milder than the very first, but i'm still struggling and finding life really hard. Between episodes I did feel that I could manage without medication totally, but I've now learnt my lesson that I'm just not going to be able to do this on my own anymore. I have to continue the medications, despite how I feel.
I'm out of hospital for this weekend and was planning to stay out for good, with the help of the Crisis Team, but unfortunately the weekend has gone horribly wrong. My behaviour has been out of control, mixed from high to severely low and suicidal to where I tried to jump out of the car on Friday night down a motorway. I'm unpredicatable at the moment and i'm feeling really scared, aswell as my family who stay by me at all times, when out of hospital.
I was so out of control on Friday that my bf didn't know what to do anymore, he was going to drive me straight back to hospital, but this made me worse and then yet again my dad was called at 1am to come round and try and calm me down. He stayed for two hours and I did regain control, but it was bloody difficult for him. I'm still here at home, I want to stay with my bf and children and stay out of hospital for as long as possible and make the whole weekend, it was my goal.
I have to go back in tomorrow morning, because I can't be left alone in the house, bf obviously has to work aswell as dad.
Doc's are trying to find the right medications and I need to face up to the illness and accept that it's just that - an illness and stop being so blinking stubborn about it. Yes, it's a label and I too hate to be labelled, but how else can doctors define the illness and treat this disorder otherwise.
It's a scary place to be, when things become too late, the mania is uncontrollable and it frightens me to death.
Would you both like to keep in touch ? Although I was diagnosed 3-4yrs back, I do believe I've suffered for many years, but learning about this illness is still very new to me and it would be really nice to have that understanding from others that are going through similar hardships.
Wishing you both well xx
sunshine-lady
13-07-09, 00:45
Hi,
I also have bipolar and borderline personality disorder and was diagnosed about 11 years ago, although looking back I realise that I have had it for many years.
Being diagnosed was in some part a relief for me as I knew I had something different to just depression, anxiety etc. It gave me a new foundation to build on.
There are different types of bipolar and a lot of people can deal with it without medication. CBT and other talk therapys can help.
I have to take medication to keep myself stable, but the way I try to think about it is I have an illness, an inbalance, just the same as somebody who is diabetic etc.
The MDF is a great site which I belive was inspired by the late, great Spike Milligan. You will find a lot of information there http://www.mdf.org.uk/
Also another site worth mentioning is DBSA http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=home
Good luck and please let us know how you get on.
xxx
Di,
The MDF Site seems really useful. I tried joining afew months ago, but the site was down.
They have set up tons of support groups/meetings for each area (most main towns) around the UK, where people meet every month, can't get much better support network than that. It sounds brilliant and so helpful. I've wanted to find a decent Site/Group for Bipolar for ages and it seems this could be the one.
:flowers:
I'm back in hospital for this week, as I need to be in a safe environment when nobody is around, but I will keep in touch.
I'm supposed to be going on holiday to Kefalonia/Greece on the 28th July, I haven't told them yet because i'm frightened of having a Section put on me, (maybe I'm being too paranoid, I don't know). I need to work hard in the next couple of weeks and try and be on my best behaviour by trying somehow to keep control of my emotions (it's proving nearly impossible right now, as i'm still feeling very wobbly and on edge), I just hope to god these meds start to work. I know what I need to do, and that is to keep myself to myself and keep busy by doing something relaxing like drawing. Sometimes I feel, hospital time can be so testing, do you know what I mean?
Do you think I should tell them about the holiday now ? I don't quite know what to do. I can't miss this holiday, i'll be letting my children down and they'll be so upset. I've spoken to my bf about it and he said he's not going to mention anything about the weekend as he knows that'll just make me worse and then for sure they will not let me go. He wants to see how I am this week.
Thing is, if I find out that there could be a possibility of not being able to go, I can't really just go can I ? (well, I could, but I could then become even more ill) because I will have no medications to take, as they only give me enough for the weekends. Can they really stop me from going, even if I do have the support of bf with me at all times?
Luckily, I managed to make the right decision in booking a relaxing time away, rather than an adventure which I was initially going to do for us all. I most definately couldn't deal with that, that would just be too dangerous i'm sure, I would most certainly be putting myself at risk and that I know, I would have had to avoid. I hope at least they can take this into some consideration (or maybe not).
Take care Di and hope you're feeling as well as can be. xxx
Oh Sorry bcr, I kind of took over your thread there, habit that :blush: . Maybe Di could reply to me in pm instead,.. I hope.
All the best xx
Thanks for all the replies!
Katie I think it's great you're getting away on holiday. When I was 18 I had a suicide attempt a couple of weeks before I was due to go on holiday, and my mum wanted to stop me going away to Magaluf with the girls as we'd planned throughout our A-Levels but the doctor said that being made to miss out on something I'd looked forward to could do more harm than good (unfortunately my mum told me not to tell anyone who I went away with what was up and there were some rubbish situations because of that, but overall I was glad I went)
Although that was 8 years ago I'm still with the doctor on that one. Holiday's are good (as long as it doesn't stress you out too much getting there!)
My counsellor said that her and the doctor have discussed things and whatever happens they want to keep me in therapy whilst they have the capacity to do so. I have an appointment with the Doctor on Friday to discuss the referral to the Mental Health Team and assessment for bipolar.
Thanks for your replies. I think ultimately it will be a good thing. I'm finding difficult at the moment as I'm not sure what's going on. I've had a really good few days and then this morning I'm back with a bad case of anxiety and really wish I was anywhere but work right now. I recognise the symptoms of bipolar but sometimes it almost feels like a switch of a few days of feeling amazing (I've been on fire with my blog and planning my amazing future career) to suddenly feeling like I can't do anything because I'm so worried about everything. And also feeling like I'm about to burst in tears at anything remotely and potentiall sad.
I always thought bipolar was long periods of depression and mania, but I can be up and down very frequently when I'm in a bad place. But my counsellor said there are types of bipolar that are shorter bursts of depression and mania. Guess I'll find out more soon.
Thanks for the replies x x x
Dear BCR...You sound so like me its uncanny.
I have asked my work colleagues to write out something for me to take to the assessment.Just how they find me etc.I find stuff so hard to explain and I know I need help now.The last 3 years I have got worse and I can really see it happening.
Will you please stay in touch???
I'm finding difficult at the moment as I'm not sure what's going on. I've had a really good few days and then this morning I'm back with a bad case of anxiety and really wish I was anywhere but work right now. I recognise the symptoms of bipolar but sometimes it almost feels like a switch of a few days of feeling amazing (I've been on fire with my blog and planning my amazing future career) to suddenly feeling like I can't do anything because I'm so worried about everything. And also feeling like I'm about to burst in tears at anything remotely and potentiall sad.
I always thought bipolar was long periods of depression and mania, but I can be up and down very frequently when I'm in a bad place. But my counsellor said there are types of bipolar that are shorter bursts of depression and mania. Guess I'll find out more soon.
Hi,
Yes, there are different types of Bipolar, where somebody may go through Mania for 6mths, then crash down to being catatonic for months. These, I believe are the most severe. I've seen afew people in hospital suffering with severe Bipolar and their catatonic stages are just terrible and it's so, so sad to see somebody suffering in such a bad way. I've seen many extreme cases of Bipolar where these poor people are unable to move at all, so much they are in a wheelchair, they cannot feed themselves, dress themselves, it's awful. But then after afew months, they're as right as rain, and you would never think it was the same person at all !
It's strange because I don't really class my depression as real depression, because of what I've seen in hospitals, I know that i'm a minor case compared. I do have very low moments and have in the past tried taking my own life on several occassions (when in an unstable mind), but I've never experienced a catatonic stage, where i'm not able to say a word or even walk.
I realise this isn't any consolation to the way we feel, but I do bare this in mind and I think of these people and the thought usually helps me to keep above water.
For myself, I have experienced one severe manic stage, this was the first time I was admitted to hospital, when they made the diagnosis. Since then, things have been relatively in control - what I mean is, compared to that episode. The way I feel now is a far cry to how I was back then 3/4yrs ago, I didn't even know who I was !
Since my first major episode, my mood swings have ranged very differently, there doesn't seem any obvious pattern, although I must I admit because I'm fairly new to the illness and have been in part denial, I haven't really bothered to figure them out. But, sometimes I can have one day mixed emotions. Sometimes,.. afew weeks feeling very, very well - (hypermania) and then afew weeks feeling low. Sometimes, it's months feeling low, and sometimes a couple of months in a hypermanic stage.
I think I also have some inbetween times where I feel ok - balanced, only this does seem feel and far between.
Since my first major episode, the other episodes have been very mild, but enough to make people around me think, "What the hell is going on with her?".
Halloween a couple of years ago, I ended up spending around £800 worth of Halloween decorations for our home, this was for 4 children having a small party. My bf didn't recognise our home when he came back from work, ... wall murals, every little section was covered. I made tons and tons of food and cakes, and also bought £100's worth too.
I spent a ton on Halloween presents for the kids, music, and hundreds of pounds worth of fireworks. It was the full works for a party of 4 children under the age of 8yrs.
Although, after a couple of hours into the party, I ended up inviting the whole street round, but they all had to dress up to get in. I didn't even touch an alcoholic drink for the entire night because I hadn't bought any, but was partying all through the night. I felt so happy.
But, as the week went by things started to go wrong and I couldn't keep up, I didn't want to loose that feeling, but I started to become completely out of control and self destructive. As they say, what goes up, must come down and I then crashed and became depressed/low for a couple of months thereafter.
I was going to write about another mild episode, but I've realised I've already written an essay, maybe I can tell you another day.
On the other occassions I have felt hyper for shorter amounts of time and so haven't done much out of the ordinary because I haven't had the time before I start feeling low again (which of course isn't a bad thing). It seems, the longer the hypermania lasts, the more strange things I end up doing and the more dangerous. I won't even go into the full blown 1st Manic stage 3/4yrs back : S, thats a book in itself !
Anyway, my point is, yes - Bipolar can be very different for each person, ranging from severe to mild, episodes lasting for a short while to a long while. It can change throughout our lives too I believe, well... it has with myself.
Stay in touch and good luck with your assessment x:flowers:
Thanks for the response. I can't believe how bad I feel right now. The only thing that is keeping me sane is knowing I have to get up in 6 hours and go to work. If it was a weekend I would be doing what I did a couple of weeks ago which was completely losing it and being completely emotionally irrational and all over the place. When I finally realised on the Monday night/Tuesday morning how I'd been behaving I couldn't believe it.
I have that with both highs and lows. It's like whether I'm in a high, low or ok place I can't imagine being in the other two places or understand/believe how I behave.
My laptop battery has almost run out so I won't write anything longer. I am just really disappointed that I'm feeling like this. I keep having a few good days and thinking things are getting better and then I have a day like today and it knocks me right back.
I forgot to answer you about the holiday. I asked PDocs if I could stay at home for the evenings and spend time with my children overnight, then stay in hospital during the daytimes, which they have agreed to, unless I have a bad day. If they've agreed to this, I'm pretty sure they'll let me go, although I still haven't mentioned it, but will do tomorrow.
Thanks for the response. I can't believe how bad I feel right now. The only thing that is keeping me sane is knowing I have to get up in 6 hours and go to work. If it was a weekend I would be doing what I did a couple of weeks ago which was completely losing it and being completely emotionally irrational and all over the place. When I finally realised on the Monday night/Tuesday morning how I'd been behaving I couldn't believe it.
I have that with both highs and lows. It's like whether I'm in a high, low or ok place I can't imagine being in the other two places or understand/believe how I behave.
My laptop battery has almost run out so I won't write anything longer. I am just really disappointed that I'm feeling like this. I keep having a few good days and thinking things are getting better and then I have a day like today and it knocks me right back.
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad right now.
I understand that feeling/ having mixed states, with both the highs and lows, I too end up losing control eventually, i'm very self destructive.
It's like whether I'm in a high, low or ok place I can't imagine being in the other two places or understand/believe how I behave.
This is just how I feel too.
Like now, I'm feeling perfectly fine, really quite happy and elated but still feel on edge and very anxious. This was far different to how I was feeling over the weekend, I was very low and suicidal and I now can't believe the way I behaved. Doc's still see me as being fairly ill and not at all stable. They are still increasing the stabliziers by 500mg a week.
If it was a weekend I would be doing what I did a couple of weeks ago which was completely losing it and being completely emotionally irrational and all over the place.
Put it this way, I think you're doing a brilliant job by being able to control it and not acting impulsively, I think you're doing really well.
These low depressions will pass, it's just hard to believe right now when you're stuck in the middle of it.
Not knowing how we're going to feel from one day to the next is a nightmare. I find it nearly impossible to plan things, which is why I rarely do. I never plan social events because of this, I just call people up on the day.
It's hard to think you're going to get out of this dark place, but you will.
I really hope your PDoc's able to prescribe you the right medication to balance these moods swings, it can sometimes take awhile. I've been put back on my initial prescription, they seemed to work last time, I still had highs and lows but nothing compared to how things were previous to that. I have no idea if they're starting to take effect, but I think they are.
I've been told that keeping a regular routine is good, which I've only just started, but not quite succeeding as yet. Like, my bedtime was supposed to be 12pm and although i've taken my sleeping pills, I still feel far from tired.
Good luck for tomorrow and I hope you feel brighter soon. x
Thanks Katie!
I ended up having a bad nights sleep but I got some sleep at least on and off between 2am and 5am. I took Kalms and that seemed to take the edge off (though whether it was a real or placebo effect I don't know) and I took them again this morning.
I got through delivering a two hour training session. It is good for me to have something to focus on because my desire to not let people down and to be the best I can manages to pull through and stop the anxiety from wrecking everything.
Now I just need to get through this afternoon and do the work I need to do. I have a deadline this Friday but at the moment am finding it really hard to concentrate. After this morning I am totally exhausted and I just want to sleep. I need to look for the light at the end of the tunnel and try to get through the work that needs to be done.
My other half is away with work (he's chaperoning kids on a school thing) and when we were talking last night he had to go because one of the kids had appeared in tears. I got a text this morning as he's had a rubbish time of two kids crying through the night and another having to go to hospital with appendicitis. I completely appreciate that when you're in charge of a bunch of kids that there is no time to think of anything else (and it seems no time to sleep either - he's probably slept less than me). But I miss him and am really annoyed at having this rubbish time and feeling lonely without him to talk to about it. He's under pressure and now worried about me too and I feel bad about that because there is nothing he can do about it. I have been single and dealt with this by myself for a long time and I hate that I suddenly find myself relying on someone else, and unreasonably disappointed when they aren't there for me.
I know I've had a okay morning. I'll try to keep focussing on that. I am so tired though and I'm just counting down the minutes to home time.
I find this so very scary.Seeing what you guys are writing and thinking,OMG,that is so like me.
My sleep pattern is erratic.I never used to feel refresshed after sleeping but a few hours and Im wide awake and cross because I am so wide awake!! My meds make me thirsty, so I get up once,perhaps twice a night for the loo and to drink more as Im so dry!!
If I get to bed,say,10pm,I listen to my Ipod till about 1am and then Im cross as I have to get up at 7.30!!Then at 6am,Im wide awake!!!!
My lovely job..I dream of it!! I dream of my colleagues and miss it so much.Not one of them has been in touch....My manager told me that they didnt like my mood swings.I was heartbroken.As it was, I had gone into work one day very agitated and swore about stuff.I got reported and suspended and then my manager told me all this.So I resigned as it was more likely that I was gonna get dismissed.They all knew that I had problems..was under the doc and had a bad time personally since Xmas and I just cant shake it.Its all getting steadily worse and I feel like Im going mad.I dont want to live here anymore..in the town where I am.I want to go back to my daughter but I cant afford to do so.My partner and I broke up Xmas day and since feb we have been seeing each other but friends say hes taking the mick and using me as I do his admin,storeing some furniture in my lounge till the holiday chalet is ready and using me for sex.I admit hes not very emotionally giving and right now I need it so much.It would make things so much better.
I can see im ranting so I had better get off here.....
Is there anyway you can move closer to your daughter?
I originally thought there was NO WAY I could leave London. I was not going to give up a good well paid job (especially as I'm paying of debt etc). I couldn't move out of my flat as we were no where near the end of tenancy. I wasn't going to live back with my parents (something I'd promised myself I'd never do when I left to go to uni eight years ago). I'd got to the point of just being completely stuck.
But when I was at my lowest I just decided to go for it. I found a way out of the tenancy. I handed my notice in (and luckily got a new job so I only had 2 months of unemployment) and I gave in and went back to my parents (again only for two months, but at the time of making the decision I didn't have a job and didn't know how long it would be for!)
I am so glad that I did it. Financially it's been hard at times (but survivable) however the situation I was in then compared to now was horrible and I'm glad I've made the changes I have.
It doesn't sound like your guy is good for you, mainly because you actually voice this concern yourself. I think you need to focus on yourself and if he genuinely cares about you he will give you the support and space to do that. My other half has various emotional issues but despite this he is very giving and supportive. I've been in relationships with men that have been very selfish and they only make you worse.
Go back through your reasons and see if there is anyway you can make the move. Are there friends and family that could help you? Are there things you could do to to change the circumstances?
Hope you figure something out x x x
Had a right bad one today.Its too long to go into but the long and the short of it is that Im not meeting up with the Cat Mums on saturday.I drove home tonight.Did 220 miles in 3 hrs.Got home at about 3.30 this morning.
Had an appointment with HM team last week.She wants to send me on 2 courses.A Mindful course and a self esteem course.Upon my first appt with her,she reckons I have Bipolar tendencies.....but not quite Bipolar.??????
She was also very shocked at finding out that a psychiatrist and not a GP prescribed me my meds then discharged me 2 yrs ago so I have an emergency appt with a psychiatrist next thursday for new meds as I have lots of problems with mine and they want to give me zopiclone too which I just dont want.They scare me witless.
Im scared,Im angry, and I know Im unwell.There are no magic wands but I so wish there was.
Im seeing the lady assigned to me again next friday.She really was so nice and said to me that I will feel well again soon.
Got myself into lots of pickles emotionally.Feel like im in a bucket and Im tiny and cant get out.
Evieh - i just wanted to say that please bare in mind that anxiety disorders make you feel evry much up and down and all over the place. Have you ever read the Claire Weekes Books? Well thething is its very common when suffereing from anxiety to feel almost elated some days and then really low again the next and also its common to have swings in one day and insomnia and really everything that you have.
I went throught a very anxious time a few years ago when I was very obsessed with being bipolar and it really scared me and i went from dr to dr to dr asking them if i had it, I even asked to be reffered to a psychiatrist to be checked out and they did but only becuase i was clearly super depressed and anxious and she said absolutely not, definately depression and anxiety that would resopnd to CBT.I was totally convinced.
The other thing is, perhaps you counsellor is not quailfied to make that judgement at all about your tendancies. Is it not fair to say that everyone has up and down tendancies and these are just super exagerated when you are suffering from depression or anxiety disorder. I would have thought that a qualified clinical psychologist or phychiatrist alone could suggest this.
Please dont worry...its the very thing that you need to avoid to get better luv
Lisa
xxxxx
Had a right bad one today.Its too long to go into but the long and the short of it is that Im not meeting up with the Cat Mums on saturday.I drove home tonight.Did 220 miles in 3 hrs.Got home at about 3.30 this morning.
Had an appointment with HM team last week.She wants to send me on 2 courses.A Mindful course and a self esteem course.Upon my first appt with her,she reckons I have Bipolar tendencies.....but not quite Bipolar.??????
She was also very shocked at finding out that a psychiatrist and not a GP prescribed me my meds then discharged me 2 yrs ago so I have an emergency appt with a psychiatrist next thursday for new meds as I have lots of problems with mine and they want to give me zopiclone too which I just dont want.They scare me witless.
Im scared,Im angry, and I know Im unwell.There are no magic wands but I so wish there was.
Im seeing the lady assigned to me again next friday.She really was so nice and said to me that I will feel well again soon.
Got myself into lots of pickles emotionally.Feel like im in a bucket and Im tiny and cant get out.
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