sal
15-09-05, 23:32
As most of you will know Simon has now being living with Sam and me for a few months. It has being great and i have loved every minute of him being with us, even through the teething problems. But at the moment it seems to be going a bit pear shaped. I am trying and i would be the first to admit if i wasnt as i know it is never handed on a plate. At the moment i am finding it so hard trying to compete between Sam and Simon. Sam loves Simon to bits and does alsorts for her and supports me with regards to child care etc. But now and then and more often recently he finds it hard to grasp the mother/daughter closeness. I am in no way knocking him as he has no children of his own, so he only deserve admiration for what he does for Sam. But i feel torn. He admits his single life has left him selfish but to the point when he takes it out on me. Simple things to him and comments to him that are meaningless but to me it hurts. It is stupid things like for example i went on computer the other night when i was a rest day the next day,and he huffed saying i should be spending time with him, although he uses the computer more than me.
Sam is getting a new bed tomorrow, but i am a 13 hours shift and today was a 6 start so decided last night to take her old bed out and change her room round. Instead of Simon being happy i had done it rather than leaving it to him (miss independence did kick in there) he took a huff on me as Sam would have to sleep with me tonight as she has no bed in room, so again thinking of himself not what i had done to sort out Sams roon.
Dont get me wrong i am not being ungrateful but i am really struggling at the moment and it is making me feel ill. Hence i have taken diazepam the last few days. I feel i am trying to keep Sam happy as i always have and also Simon on the same wave length as Sam. But nobody asks what i want. I would never expect Sam to ask that she is only 10 but Simon isnt and i need him to be with me and not adding to how hard it is bringing up a young child.
We talked about Christmas the other day and Sam said what she would like to do, and yes i am at work again but have managed before but Simon wants to go to his parents. I am not bothered where i go after work but i have had my childhood and that decision to me is what Sam wants to do within reason. She is the child here and not Simon but feel they are competing and i am getting to the stage where i am so anxious that i dont know what to do. I was an early shift today at work and knowing he was at home when i came in at 12 after an argument last night that i wont go into as dont want to ramble on i would have prefered to stay at work and knowing i was coming home i felt tearful and sick all day.
Reading this it does sound harsh, but it isnt meant to be against Simon as i love him, it is more me asking for how best to handle this and at the moment i am lost in which way to turn apart from walking away from it, but i know i have done that before and i know that isnt the solution because we do love each other.
Sorry to ramble on and would appreciate any support.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Sam is getting a new bed tomorrow, but i am a 13 hours shift and today was a 6 start so decided last night to take her old bed out and change her room round. Instead of Simon being happy i had done it rather than leaving it to him (miss independence did kick in there) he took a huff on me as Sam would have to sleep with me tonight as she has no bed in room, so again thinking of himself not what i had done to sort out Sams roon.
Dont get me wrong i am not being ungrateful but i am really struggling at the moment and it is making me feel ill. Hence i have taken diazepam the last few days. I feel i am trying to keep Sam happy as i always have and also Simon on the same wave length as Sam. But nobody asks what i want. I would never expect Sam to ask that she is only 10 but Simon isnt and i need him to be with me and not adding to how hard it is bringing up a young child.
We talked about Christmas the other day and Sam said what she would like to do, and yes i am at work again but have managed before but Simon wants to go to his parents. I am not bothered where i go after work but i have had my childhood and that decision to me is what Sam wants to do within reason. She is the child here and not Simon but feel they are competing and i am getting to the stage where i am so anxious that i dont know what to do. I was an early shift today at work and knowing he was at home when i came in at 12 after an argument last night that i wont go into as dont want to ramble on i would have prefered to stay at work and knowing i was coming home i felt tearful and sick all day.
Reading this it does sound harsh, but it isnt meant to be against Simon as i love him, it is more me asking for how best to handle this and at the moment i am lost in which way to turn apart from walking away from it, but i know i have done that before and i know that isnt the solution because we do love each other.
Sorry to ramble on and would appreciate any support.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".