Oceanblue
17-07-09, 15:22
I have been so, so frightened, frightened and scared that I will reach full blown Mania. Like I did last time, 3.5 years ago, where I spent 4 months in hospital.
I'm currently in and out of hospital, with the help from dad and support from dad, Psychiatrists, Nurses and Doctors.
Again, luckily I'm allowed time out, but they had refused the last couple of days because of my stability. They of course want me out and living life how I should be, healthy and well. At first I was against them, but I'm now again like last time building trust and behaving co-ordinately. I have to do just as they say, else I will NEVER get better. I must take the medications, probably forever. I must now research the illness and understand/work out triggers etc, as before I was part in denial. I have to face up to it, accept it and get on with it. Accept I need med's/probably for years, it's my only way of really in some cases staying alive.
I'm back at home with dad and whilst researching Bi-polar on the Net, I came across this story of a man called Alan.
He has explained Full Blown Mania SO well, and extremely similar circumstances, behaviour, thoughts, bizarre happenings etc, to how I was 3.5yrs ago.
Doc's were frightened on Tuesday, scared I was getting worse, which I probably was in some ways and they thought I was nearing a full blown attack (if I can say that). I came home for a very short while late Tuesday afternoon quickly as I did sort of sense something in the nurses. Jumped in the car with dad asap, to get home to see my children. Of course nobody wants to be in hospital, I hate it and want to be home with my family.
Pyschiatrist called an hour later, said he was coming round. Both him and his collegue turned up with the Police, incase I wouldn't co-orporate. Anyway - had to go back, more Stabilizers, Risperidone and Diazepam. I had already had a ton inside me.
I'm feeling alittle better now and I can now see why they were so worried. I'm back home here just for two hours with dad, then I need to go back.
Anyway - As I was saying, I found this story on the net of a guy that explains his full blown mania and bloody hell, he explains it so well. I have always wanted to write my own experience, only... well, you know. I have been in denial, but I will do one day, it may even help the release of feelings from the trauma of it all too.
Nic - I really hope you don't mind me posting this, I understand this is an Anxiety/Panic / OCD/Phobia etc related site only, but Bi-polar, BPD, OCD which I have are merged in with Anxiety/Panic and I know there are Bi-polar sufferers here.
It's very long - So make a cup of tea, or sit and have a glass of wine or something lol.
This, reminds me to take my medication and to stop playing around ! I hope this helps others also.
Oh - I also wanted to say thanks to Hampy - Hampton Girl the other afternoon for understanding and listening and for your care. xxxxx
This is a true account of the real horrors of manic depression, I don’t like the watered down word for it bipolar.
Nearly every second Hollywood comes on shows like Oprah Winfrey bragging that they are bipolar.
This is nonsense, to balance these slightly abnormal mood swings also has a bad effect on their creativity
Alan McDougall. The true Horror of Manic Depression
My name is Alan McDougall and I was born on the in South
Africa. The story I relate in the following account in no way reflects
all that my life experiences. It specifically relates to my long with
manic/ depressive psychosis, or bi-polar affective disorder. I wrote
this as a consolidation of my various episodes of manic/depression and
the reader should note that if the depths or highs of suffering had
continued for much longer than they did, I would have succeeded in committing
suicide or killed someone and be dead now and you would not be reading
this paper.
I not only had extreme depression alternating with high
mania but also at times suffered both the high and lows of bi-polar
disorder simultaneously, this known as the mixed state.
Please note that what I am describing is not the mild beneficial
hypomania of high performing persons of history who also had this
disorder. This mild form of mania existed in a large number of great
and creative persons. It was there that one saw the enormous energy of
Winston Churchill , Ludwig Van Beethoven, William Blake, Napoleon
Bonaparte,, Charles Dickens, T.S. Elliot, Robert Frost, Sigmund Freud,
Ernest Hemmingway, Abraham Lincoln, Jack London, Robert Cow ell,
Michelangelo,, Mozart, Isaac Newton, Edgar Allen Poe, Mark Twain,
Vincent Van Gogh, King David, King Saul. To name a very few of the
countless great personalities that suffered in different degrees from
a milder form of this disorder.
When I put my mind to learning a subject I always succeeded by
coming out near the top of the class. During these very early years, I
began to question nearly everything my existence, what is God? In
addition, from the age of seven developed a life long love for science
fiction fascination in astronomy, religion, existence, reality and purpose.
I suffered unknowingly from huge mood swings from a child untreated at that.
From the age the age of 38, I started to have such debilitation bouts of melancholy; I could no longer cope,
Finding out later out that they were due to endogenous
depression, an unbalance of brain hormones or neurotransmitters. I
started to experience constant headaches; some so sever migraines that
I needing morphine to ease the terrible pain.
I began to visit my doctor regularly for this and other numerous complaints that began to
worry me daily. A tight band around my head seemed to be squeezing it
with a feeling of terrible pressure, so sever that I felt my head was
going to explode. I also started to experience, unusual for me,
constant crippling fatigue, so severe that I felt was dying or melting
out of existence.
Things began to be surreal at work and I began to
battle to concentrate, with a feeling of remoteness from reality. My
nights, instead of rejuvenating rest that most people experienced, was
now being plagued by hideous nightmares and consequently unrelenting
insomnia.
At work no longer my usual alert energetic self, to avoid
passing out from fatigue I had to lock the door to my office during
the day and rest. Why was I feeling like this way? Quit happy, without
any real problems or troubles up to this point in my life. Life
started to lose its luster, color joy and intensity, becoming
progressively darker, grayer, colder and very bleak, wondering why I
needed to continue to exist.
It seemed ridiculous to feel this morbid considering that there appeared to be nothing medically wrong with me
and I had no reason to feel so awful and negative. I simply could not
put my finger on any reason for my gloom; I was doing extremely well
at work, advancing rapidly and considered by my fellow managers and
the C.E.O. as an extremely bright young performer, with a very bright
future in the corporation. Every night in my effort to go to sleep I
would go into that strange state between wake and sleep known as
hynogogic sleep feeling someone or something evil was over looking my
paralyzed body. I twisted and contorted as I tried to move or leave my
motionless body and escape this horror move and wake up. I went to my
G.P. who was perturbed and suggested I see a psychiatrist immediately.
Very reluctant to follow his advice, saying I definitely was not crazy
or mentally sick.
Highly indignant and insulted by this suggestion. I
continued to refuse or acknowledge to anyone that there could possible
be anything mentally ill about me. The term mental illness carried a
tremendous stigma then, (and still unfortunately does) and I felt it
could affect my progress at work as Senior I.T. Manager, just as it
ultimately and tragically did.
My performance at work and home began to get worse and worse.
Communication with those close to me, my staff at work and boss got
considerably worse by the day, and I progressively
withdrew more and more into myself. My previous strong religious
conviction and faith in God weakened considerably. As a Bodybuilder
and fitness fanatic who ran and trained every day, I had developed
imposing physical appearances at a muscular 104 kg and retained good
health. In addition, I had developed formidable intellect and a huge base of knowledge,
due to a lifetime of insatiable curiosity. Consuming countless of
books of every variety and by questioning every source, I could access to obtain the
keys to all unknown mysteries. I was married to a beautiful woman and
had four beautiful school going daughters (Now ten grandchildren)
Before the unimaginable lows of depression my restless dynamic mind
moved between a vast host of subjects, as diverse as physics,
chemistry, quantum mechanics, history, music, art, poetry, religion,
medicine, anatomy, thermodynamics, micro and macro biology,
anthropology, wild life, creation, mathematics, metaphysical,
geography, engineering, computer science, plate tectonics, genetics,
mind control, physiology, psychiatry, psychology evolution, cosmology,
astronomy, plate tectonics, genetics, literacy, science fiction, quantum mechanics,
engineering, the origin and end of all things, the esoteric world,
philosophy, architecture, the study of the lives of great men, origin
of man, etc, etc. I estimate over my lifetime that I must have read something like
books a week, from the from the age of five until the manic depression put a damper on my reading and research
This excludes the books for formal studies
My special love is science fiction; I was an avid amateur astronomer studying variable stars,
Called Cepheid Variables, standard candles blazing from out the remoteness of our beautiful universe.
The depression continued to get worse, I felt I had bad flu constantly
and felt nauseous and full of aches and pains all the time. Constant
headaches continued the tight band around my head got tighter and
tighter until I felt my head was really going to explode. Terribly
sick and in abject despair, desolation, dark bleak coldness and horror
descended like an eternal nightmare into my tormented mind. I could no
longer sleep and went night after night without rest until some on
nights
I finally managed to fall into a nightmarish succession of
small micro- sleeps, plagued with hideous continual nightmares, that
in no way helped my ever-increasing death- like fatigue. If I had been
a Stephen King and could recall all these horrible nightmares in
detail and pen these appalling fearful terrors to paper and make
movies from them I would be a multi- millionaire.
I finally relented and agreed reluctantly to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I was
in the throes of very severe endogenous uni-polar depression, put me
on an anti-depressive drug and booked me off work for a month. The
drug helped for a while and then lost its affect. Numerous other anti-
depressive, anti-psychotic, and tranquilizers drugs both singular and
in combination were tried on my without success. It all seemed to be
utterly hopeless and death was becoming more and more attractive to me
than life. I really started to contemplated suicide. Nothing seemed to
be helping get out of this awful rut helped me. I received
psychotherapy without avail. My descent into the terrible hell of the
unimaginable, unspeakable horror of the black hole of depression
continued. Consequently, hospitalized over eighteen times over the
following year’s times in an effort to bring this demon under some
sort of control, with limited success. Over 30 electric convulsive
treatments where also administered over this protracted period of
agony.
I asked for and received a demotion at work. This was most
humiliating to me, as I had now to work under the supervision of
idiots that were my intellectual inferiors, which I had to prop up and
who took all the credit for my work. My family watched helplessly as I
descended further into this hell on earth, not really understanding.
They could not seem to comprehend what was really happening to me and
I think they felt it was some sort of weakness, lack of back- bone,
character weakness or moral fiber. Especially my Father who absolutely
could not comes to terms with this enigma and was most disappointed at
my apparent failure in life.
Even my closest friend came to me saying he and his wife had discussed my problem the previous night and
concluded that I was not ill but suffered from some sort of weakness or lack of backbone
My daughters also did not really understand what was going on inside me and
felt they had lost the beloved father they had looked up on admired
and respected.
I lost my faith in God and consequently my
rudder to guide through the trials of life is gone. I feel now lost in
the vast ocean in the doldrums of existence. I just want to cease to
exist now and cover myself with the peace of the dark blanket of
oblivion. I thought people had buried me before I was dead
normally very clean tidy disciplined and organized I began to neglect
normal healthy daily routines as well as my daily bodybuilding exercises.
I became afraid to get up in the morning, afraid to go to work, afraid
to drive or go anywhere, afraid to try to go to sleep due to the awful
dark horror that night brought, afraid to wake up and face the new
day. Instead of the blessed sleep and rest of normal healthy people
experienced.
Paranoia and uncontrollable obsessions began haunted me day and night.
At times I became catatonic, in a continual stupor confined to mental hospital with vacant,
eyes lying looking up at the ceiling and not responding to any kind of stimulant. I remember this as some sort of a vague coma.
Can any one just try to relate the hell on earth that I have had to
live in for all those many years of horror?
The severe depression absolute self-loathing, self-hatred, fear, loss
of self-esteem and energy. I was afraid to get up in the morning,
afraid to go to sleep.
When I slept, it was a coma, sleep, full of
nightmares. I could not taste food; sight became dull, eases seemed to
be deep in sockets hidden and dead, skin dry and flaky, hair oily
limp, together with a host of other host of unexplainable aches and
pains all over my body
A feeling of being remote from reality and
felting physically and mentally sick all the time. I felt and looked
years older than I really was. I lost many many days from work by
being, hospitalized on numerous occasions.
My hands and body continue
to tremble and shake all the time and I was sweating constantly. I
contemplated suicide.
Nevertheless, so ill by then I could not even
then come remotely close to motivating myself to commit suicide. I was
all too much effort I was too tired much too weak to contemplate doing
myself in. Indeed any activity no matter how small was no just too
much for me. I just wanted to cease to exist. To the reader all this
might seem extremely self-centered and it is indeed the case, one
becomes, while in the grasp of this terrible illness, very self-
centered and loses touch with those around you who love you.
(Later I did make a real attempt to commit suicide almost cutting my right arm off and nearly bleeding to death)
A psychiatrist finally decided to try Electro-Shock therapy on me,
with some success. This only anti-depressive treatment really that
gave me some relief. Six to 10 shocks brought me out of depression for
a while. This therapy would bring me out of depression for only
approx. 3-6 months. Due to other severe episodes, additional E.T.C.,
causing some short-term memory loss was administered.
During another try with a different less radical treatment (Anafranil
drip), I started to feel much much better. I became abnormally
extremely hopeful, positive and convinced that I was completely well
and healthy. Of course, now when one looks back I can see how
illogical this is. I stopped eating, did not sleep for weeks and lost
weight rapidly. I had endless energy. Speeding vivid thoughts like a
torrential rapid raging river flooded my brain. I began to write,
think and talk nonstop became poetic, musical and danced and sang with
unspeakable joy. I felt so very very wonderful, happy and totally
convinced God had indeed healed me.
I illogically stopped all my
medication, throwing the lot down the toilet. I became extremely
loving and became obsessively clean, bathing four or five times a day.
I tidied up the house, cleaned and polished the floors; washed dishes
mowed the lawn and did gardening, things absolutely out of character.
Filled laughter and the joy of life everything was beautiful. My sense
of humor returned to a totally abnormal extent and I found everything
extremely funny indeed. It was June 1980 and it was snowing outside in
JohannesburgSouth Africa. Returning to work in this state of extreme insane
optimism, not knowing then that this was my first encounter with;
“MANIC MADNESS, THE EVIL SISTER OF DEPRESSION AND THAT I WERE AN
EXTREME MANIC DEPRESSIVE OR BI-POLAR DISORDER SUFFERER”.
After a few mild episodes of mild hypomania my mood swings became much more
sever and pronounced. Held for long years in the iron grip of very
severe three monthly swings from the very depth of depression and
despair to absolute total high insane of manic psychosis. The
extremely destructive out of control hyper- mania started to become
very very frightening to myself and all those around me. This phase if
not quickly brought under control can devastate ones life and the
lives around you and can even lead to death. It is the true horror of
the awesome power of the brain and mind-gone berserk, wrong and
descent into the unspeakable unexplainable hell of the very strange
world of true insanity. From this experience, I know that the brain
when malfunctioning is so enormously powerful it can throw one to the
floor with such power and severe convolutions that nearly every bone
in the body can be broken. Any psychiatrist, neurologist or surgeon
will verify this.
My psychiatrist then put me on lithium and a well-known (Anti-
depressive drug). This approach appeared to help somewhat and I was
reasonably balanced for a time. I stress, however, that I continued to
have severe mood swings, even while on these anti-depressive
medications and mood levelers. My illness continues to get worse
becoming so bad that I had to take early retirement at a young age
(I think the physiatrists tried out nearly every psychotropic drug on me)
All this had a further devastating impact on my self-esteem, self-
confidence and every area my whole life. I felt humiliated embarrassed
and a total failure in life and that I should never had been born
questioning my very existence. I developed an enormous inferiority
complex and became very ashamed of myself. Feeling everyone looked on
me with contempt and pity. I could no longer enjoy socializing and I withdrew into myself
Completely
my patient wife and children and friends were all very worried and saw
the manic/ depression still in my view seeing it as some sort of a
lack of backbone of moral fiber or mental weakness. I must pull myself
together somehow. At this point they could not comprehend that I was physically,
pathologically and mentally sick to the point of death. To find some
sort of relief, I started a secretive hazardous habit and, disastrous
trend of substance abuse. I consumed vast doses of prescription and
over the counter painkillers, extremely addictive bezodiazapam
combinations, together with drugs, not illegal but I would have if I could have gotten my hand onto them
This gave me only the briefest relief and in the end, if possible made things much much worse,
and could have led to my death, due to drug toxicity. If any young
person or indeed anyone reading this account, never ever touch drugs,
not even once, or you will be a slave to them for life and they might
indeed take your very life. If you never touch them, you will never
miss them. “DON’T START SMOKING”
I had by now lost most my faith in God and started doubt his very
existence? My rudder was gone and life had become a ship in the
doldrums of oceans of existence. I had no purpose any reason to live
or do battle with the evil reality that is manic depression. It was
simply bigger and stronger than I was. The locust had eaten most of my
youthful life. (27 years).
While the depressive phase of bi-polar disorder is extremely bleak and
dark, the outcome of the destructive extreme high mania psychoses phase is
more horrifying, “if possible”. In the upper peaks of mania, you come
face to face with true madness, complete insanity or psychosis. Both
the peak and the valley of the sine wave of manic depression can
result in the same end and outcome death.
I come now come to the most difficult part in trying to relate to the
mentally healthy somehow to explain what goes on in the extreme manic
mind, while they are completely insane, mad or psychotic, in a way
that they can come close to comprehending this place of strange
unending fear terror and horror. To anyone that would still think I am
weak after reading what follows, if they have sufficient courage
should follows me into the dark terrifying, notifying strange reaches
of the bizarre my insanity and depression and come out sane and alive
and survive like I did. “I dare them,” walk in my shoes and then
comment!
I have to try my very best with all the skills of my gift with the
written word to take the reader with me on this journey of terror and
horror that goes on in the basement of my chaotic maelstrom mind and
brain, when I am in the relentless unrelenting grip, grasp and throes
of this evil psychotic, insane madness of manic insanity.
I felt so glorious so wonderful tremendously high, energetic and good, in the first stage of mania, I
immediately stop all my medication, throwing it down the toilet when
no one is looking. I try my very best in this early stage to fool my
wife and family that I am completely normal and just feeling very well
indeed. I can control myself and appear to be normal at this early
stage of mania even fool my psychiatrist by giving him all him all the
correct answers to his questions.
I get dangerously belligerent if anyone dares to suggest there is anything
Wrong with me when I am enjoying a life of bliss.
Going back to the point this account where threw all my medication
down the toilet and the consequences thereof. The medicinal
controlling factor of bi-polar disorder being now secretly been
removed by myself, the terrible type of mania I am subject to uncontrollably
progress and spiral upwards into a maelstrom of total psychosis. I
am, however, unaware of this danger at this stage and still feel
certain I am in absolute control of myself, and in fact I feel sublimely wonderful
The exhilaration the ecstasy the first stages of the manic phase are so seductive and so far better
than any drug high, one feels that an eternity in this happy glorious.
I am in a state of bliss my sexually and libido is heightened beyond belief,
I am full of rapture happiness a state of such joy, such beauty I must must sustain it forever.
Nothing and no one can convince me, when I am like this, that
there is anything wrong with me and any one trying to reason with me
that I am unwell makes me very indignant, Irritable and very angry, why should I stop feeling this great.
Thoughts, came with nonstop
obsessions and uncontrollable non- thinking, trying to know the
inscrutable? Religious obsession? What is the universe expanding into
if it is everything? What is absolute nothingness? Is infinity
possible? Why do we exist, is there a God, Infinity? The impossible
concept of eternity?
My finite mind trying to arrive at by precise and
finite means the explanation for all infinite inscrutably mysteries , the
enigma of evil, the enigma that there is no such thing as
nothingness?, what is time?, what is life?, what is the of purpose of
life?, what is energy?, know the mind of God?, is evolution toe?, what
is gravity?, what is God?, is there a God?, what came before the big bang of creation?,
how many dimensions are there in existence?, are there other universes
beyond ours, what is outside the boundaries of the universe, Will the
universe continue to expand forever?, what is forever?, is there life
after death? Is there a heaven or a hell? What is the purpose of
life/, is life meaningless? etc, etc, etc. I feel unreasonably that I
must know absolutely everything in existence, that it is imperative to unravel
all mysteries to know the inscrutable mind of God and become one with
the infinite eternal divine sublime reality. On, on, and on day and
night, without rest or sleep, trapped in a life- time cycle of questions with no
answers that I simply cannot accept.
I seem to go into other realms or dimensions, where I live and die in an infinitesimal moment,
But also experience it as a complete and detailed life in real time
I have to live many full lives in real time but condensed into the briefest of moment, some are worse than any Christian hell indeed
Making the Christian hell seem like a kiddy’s picnic by comparison
Some are heavens unimaginable more pleasant than the earthly one, I wanted desperately to remain in these realms
An unsettling uncontrollable state a flood of never-ending disturbing thoughts that give me no rest, day and night, I must just know everything before meaningless death
overtakes me and I die in ignorance.
Mania is so very delightful at first, so seductive and wonderful
creeping unawares on the helpless victim, cannot tell or will even
admit that there was anything wrong, because of the fact that one
feels so unearthly wonderful.
To reiterate, the first symptom of mania is the lifting of depression
one feel so very wonderful, I always stop all medication. Once I
reached the higher level of mania, where I no longer had any control
over myself I progressively went into long altered states of
consciousness, sometimes as long as three months before some normality
returned. Energy becomes so boundless and one is dangerously without
fear, stop sleeping, develop extreme, sublime, exalted grandiosity,
ecstasy, joy, wonder, delight, rapture bliss, elation, sublime
euphoria, hallucinates constantly and has bright eyelid visions,
stops, eating and etc, etc. Who would ever want to give up a state of
mind like this? Everything is much much more intense, colors are more
beautiful, smell becomes much more acute, food tastes wonderful, sleep
is not necessary, endless imagery reading researching debating writing
thinking laughing everything is fully have Godlike insight. Eyes are
bright hair shining skin looking healthy. Losing weight rapidly as
appetite decreases and in the end one simply stops eating and sleeping altogether.
Everything becomes so bright so glorious, beautiful colors of flowers
crass, trees, sky, stars; every thing is now observed and recorded in
the minutest detail, so unearthly, unspeakably indescribably beautiful
beyond the normal senses. Was this then heaven, no! Like an incandescent
light hugely overloaded with too great voltage, my neurons are all lit up at
once and if continued blaze would like that I will burn out, blink
out, and die. This state is absolutely abnormal and
dangerous. In this extreme high state of manic madness if members of my family approach, me telling me I must take my medicine and I am not well. This is ridiculous to my irrational mind then and I lie that I have been taken my medicine
religiously If they persist I become belligerent, angry, irritable and
start to avoid contact with these people that I perceive as mere
mortals unlike like my most high and exalted self. Feel I know
everything I am the essence of the sublime, indeed I am now Christ merged
with God and all-powerful and Omni-all.
It then progresses to constant nonstop rapid uncontrollable thinking,
wild laughter, and increased sense of humor non-stop talking. Acute
sense of taste smell touch & vision, sound everything is more acute,
in this advanced phase of manic madness. I am convinced I have
developed a sixth sense, that I am God.
I become delusional, begin to hallucinate, sometimes-beautiful visions
of other worlds, universes, heaven and see and perceive colors that do
not exist on this earth. Other times so unspeakable terrible and horrendous that
My mind jerked back in unimaginable fear and terror I become telepathic I am in constant communication every
being in existence now I was truly God incarnate. I was convinced I was
God I feel that I am the incarnation of the sublime, I now have the power to destroy the universe.
I continue to have vivid visions and dreams, so real that I still do
not know if I was communicating with highest intelligence. I can
see the future flashing before my eyes in rapid non-stop visions. My
eyes dart back and forth, back and forth, become red, and inflamed and
terrifying to look into. I am in another reality beyond space and time
an alarming altered state of consciousness. No longer feeling glorious,
I am becoming more and scared, terrified of this uncontrollable state
and everything starts to go out of contra. My body begins to die from
the unrelenting drain off energy on it by this completely abnormal
state of affairs. My physical senses merge and mingle, I become in a state of sythesia,
Were I can taste colors, math’s and numerals become objects like one is a candle, two becomes a zebra
I became paranoid fearful, horrified, terrified, desolate,
desperate to escape the horror that has become my tormented mind. Is
there a hell? Yes! I am experiencing it already on this earth. One
moment I would be in a state of extreme elation and the next
belligerent, annoyed, hostile, aggressive and even violent. I feel
everything is in bondage and must be free at once go outside go amuck and let
all the neighbors dogs out, go to the local mall and terrify shop
owners, herding more about a hundred people into one corner there
proclaiming I am God and I was about to destroys or immediately kill
them all for their unrepentant continual evil. I became out of my mind
with hysterical rage anger that I felt my brain would explode. Was I
dangerous then? Yes! Very dangerous to myself and if I had remained in
this state much longer, I could have killed some innocent bystander or
myself.
Then absolutely socially inappropriate I would walked around demented,
without shoes or shirt and approach anyone in the street shouting
scripture or philosophy, particle, micro and macro physic, astronomy
and cosmology, if they did not understand me, I got extremely angry
calling them all a bunch of ignorant idiots. I would also remind every
person I met, while roaming the streets like a wild man beside himself
that end of the world was upon us.
I was now completely out of control completely without fear. How could
I fear anything after all I was Almighty God? The police arrived and as soon as I saw one of them, I
grabbed his gun and told him to shoot me. I was unafraid of anything
and uncaring whether if I lived or died. The police unsure of what was
wrong with me with great difficulty took me forcible to a doctor
nearby. The doctor was terrified of me with my wild insane appearance
and had no clue of what was wrong with me. Eyes glowing, darting side
to side back and forth back and forth completely red with pupils
dilated. Laughing and babbling hysterically like a rapid broken record
on high speed. By now the police, doctors (yes there was by now two
trying to rationalize what was wrong with this terrifying insane demon
in their midst?).
One of the doctors said in my hearing to someone
that I was in the throes of severe vitamin withdrawal” I found this
comment hysterically funny ridiculous and hilarious and burst into
extremely loud sustained hysterical laughter. The doctor corrected me
by saying he did not say vitamin withdrawal but amphetamine
withdrawal. I kept asking the police officer to shoot me as I was
convinced I was immortal. Luckily, for me kindly refrained. He was a
kind and loving young man that realized that something was s very
wrong with me and held my hand throughout this awful event. He asked
me if one of the doctors present could give me an injection and I
agreed, saying they could inject any poison even cyanide into me and I
would not react, as I was God-man.
They gave me nine injections of some concoctions in order to calm me down. At first,
these injections seem to have no affect on me and the young police
officer was the only one that could calm me down somewhat. Unknown to
me an ambulance had been called to take me urgently into a mental
hospital on the advice of a psychiatrist, which one off the doctors
had contacted telephonically.
On arriving hospital I now began to descend down and down into death like coma
state. I was given further injections of unknown substance and began to
drift off. “(Twelve injections in all? I am lucky to be alive)”. In
hospital, TV like visions on my eyelids continued to horrify and
plague me so badly I was terrified to close my eyes. Just by thinking
and closing my eyes, I could see any member of my family or anyone
else and observe exactly what they were doing at the time no matter
where they on earth. I had become psychic. I saw in this way,
terrifying clear as day in full color three-dimensional moving images
of the past as well as the future. After each vision, a “voice?” would
ask I, “do you want to savor the moment?”
I saw visions about something, someone, somewhere or indeed and I saw what I wanted
to see on my eyelids as one sees on a movie screen. Don’t believe?, I
do not care I know I have seen what I have seen I was convinced I
could see into and hear telepathically the mind of all living things,
especially humans.. An uncontrollable cacophony and babble of voices
from thousands of minds all around me soon became loud and unbearable in my brain.
I escaped from hospital by jumping out of a window, early in the
morning when it was still dark and very cold. It was mid- winter and I was
freezing in my pajamas looking up into the dark sky waiting for the
coming of God and his host of angels I began to thirst, (possible due
to the affect of the twelve injections previously mentioned). My mouth
was dry I thirsted. In my mind, there in the darkness of the early
morning, I saw the slaughter of the innocents. I saw and heard a
message from God to humanity; "mere mortal man, "I God am not pleased
with you". I heard God replacing world leaders.
Changing from knowing I was God to the awful morph of realizing in cold fear that somehow
becoming his eternal enemy Satan. I became in my deluded mind, the
Devil incarnate and for the first time felt absolute terror of
desolation, abandonment horror real fear of the remoteness that would
come from my sin, and the utter hopelessness of eternal separation
from God in the eternal flames of hell.
Fearing in absolute horror that I had now committed the unforgivable sin against God and was
doomed burn in hell forever. I became obsessive-compulsive, bathing
5-6 times a day, constantly thinking, could find no rest. I stop
sleeping; millions of vivid thoughts, images and loud voices and
sounds bombarded my tormented soul, day and night.
I could not stop these horribly frightening unwelcome inputs from
flooding my fevered sick brain and I cried out for death. Sleep
continued to elude me. Evil dark cold bleak thoughts burned in the
blazing furnace that was now my brain. My eyes are now blood red.
Consumed with ice-cold fear. By now very emotional weeping for no
reason. Perhaps I was on the once again on the uncontrollable ride
down to the bottomless pit of the depressive cycle of manic depression.
I started to speak to myself and had visions of hell. I tried looking
outward into infinity/ eternity/ nothingness and retracted my mind in
alarm, in an effort to prevent myself from going completely psychotic,
from the monstrous colossal undiluted evil I see. Is this the evil
eternal thing destined for the eternal abyss? I feel the desolation of
this place, A place so evil so horrible even God will not look into
it. I fear and think God will thrust this evil and me, into this
bottomless pit and forget us there forever?
Now wildly manic & psychotic. I go into a stupor and retract into a
deep coma, and seem to observe from at the very cliff edge the true
ultimate end of the horror that is the monster of manic madness and
death.
Where there still options left for me. Who could help me now? Where
was I to go from this terrible place? That is the battleground of my
mind. I believe I came out of this hideous madness by going to my
creator calling out to God to help me, and he lifted me out again into
his light with infinite power and love.
Going back to the first moment of awareness, when God was alone in the
infinite darkness of ultimate loneliness, I knew he had a good eternal
reason for creating me and nothing evil would ever prevail against
him. I jerking awake from the coma, I see a glorious beautiful
translucent light of many colors, light now dispelled the darkness of
me brain. Hope eternal returns to me my misery turns to quiet peace. I
feel final victory of goodness could be at hand.
I see a view from the very highest of mountains. I looked out, saw
there was no horizon, and attempted to look at and understand
infinity. The plain I see goes on forever and forever with no end. I
tried to comprehend infinity and immediately started to retract, from
this paradox of the incomprehensible. I realized that it was futile to
try to unravel the inscrutable When I got back home I noticed that I
had become very creative writing papers on poetry, physics, history,
philosophy, science, astronomy, cosmology, relativity and biblical
interpretation Unique thoughts out nowhere and not found in literature
just came to me out of the blue as revelation which I then documented
onto my computer. I found I was posing questions that none no one
internet had asked by goggling on all the subjects that interested me.
My mind was constantly active.
Was this the last of the episodes? No! Nevertheless, up to the time of
writing this article I have never experienced another episode remotely
as severe as that detailed above.
I often hear that all traumas has a purpose and once we have survived
it we come out learning some mystery of life, become wiser and more
balanced. I can not buy this point of view in my case as I see what
has happened to me and what is indeed still happening to my as pain
without purpose or reason. Maybe in the next life, if there is one,
the reason, if there is one, will finally be revealed to me.
Love conquers all. It is the love of my family, my beloved wife,
caring friends and wonderful doctors that I am alive still and able to
write this account hoping somehow it could help someone else in a
similar dilemma. There is always hope. Be warned guard the door to
your mind.
I have to remain on medication to control my bi-polar depression for
the rest of my life.
Alan Grant McDougall 20/6/2007.
Share the story if you want to it might just help someone
Peace Alan
I'm currently in and out of hospital, with the help from dad and support from dad, Psychiatrists, Nurses and Doctors.
Again, luckily I'm allowed time out, but they had refused the last couple of days because of my stability. They of course want me out and living life how I should be, healthy and well. At first I was against them, but I'm now again like last time building trust and behaving co-ordinately. I have to do just as they say, else I will NEVER get better. I must take the medications, probably forever. I must now research the illness and understand/work out triggers etc, as before I was part in denial. I have to face up to it, accept it and get on with it. Accept I need med's/probably for years, it's my only way of really in some cases staying alive.
I'm back at home with dad and whilst researching Bi-polar on the Net, I came across this story of a man called Alan.
He has explained Full Blown Mania SO well, and extremely similar circumstances, behaviour, thoughts, bizarre happenings etc, to how I was 3.5yrs ago.
Doc's were frightened on Tuesday, scared I was getting worse, which I probably was in some ways and they thought I was nearing a full blown attack (if I can say that). I came home for a very short while late Tuesday afternoon quickly as I did sort of sense something in the nurses. Jumped in the car with dad asap, to get home to see my children. Of course nobody wants to be in hospital, I hate it and want to be home with my family.
Pyschiatrist called an hour later, said he was coming round. Both him and his collegue turned up with the Police, incase I wouldn't co-orporate. Anyway - had to go back, more Stabilizers, Risperidone and Diazepam. I had already had a ton inside me.
I'm feeling alittle better now and I can now see why they were so worried. I'm back home here just for two hours with dad, then I need to go back.
Anyway - As I was saying, I found this story on the net of a guy that explains his full blown mania and bloody hell, he explains it so well. I have always wanted to write my own experience, only... well, you know. I have been in denial, but I will do one day, it may even help the release of feelings from the trauma of it all too.
Nic - I really hope you don't mind me posting this, I understand this is an Anxiety/Panic / OCD/Phobia etc related site only, but Bi-polar, BPD, OCD which I have are merged in with Anxiety/Panic and I know there are Bi-polar sufferers here.
It's very long - So make a cup of tea, or sit and have a glass of wine or something lol.
This, reminds me to take my medication and to stop playing around ! I hope this helps others also.
Oh - I also wanted to say thanks to Hampy - Hampton Girl the other afternoon for understanding and listening and for your care. xxxxx
This is a true account of the real horrors of manic depression, I don’t like the watered down word for it bipolar.
Nearly every second Hollywood comes on shows like Oprah Winfrey bragging that they are bipolar.
This is nonsense, to balance these slightly abnormal mood swings also has a bad effect on their creativity
Alan McDougall. The true Horror of Manic Depression
My name is Alan McDougall and I was born on the in South
Africa. The story I relate in the following account in no way reflects
all that my life experiences. It specifically relates to my long with
manic/ depressive psychosis, or bi-polar affective disorder. I wrote
this as a consolidation of my various episodes of manic/depression and
the reader should note that if the depths or highs of suffering had
continued for much longer than they did, I would have succeeded in committing
suicide or killed someone and be dead now and you would not be reading
this paper.
I not only had extreme depression alternating with high
mania but also at times suffered both the high and lows of bi-polar
disorder simultaneously, this known as the mixed state.
Please note that what I am describing is not the mild beneficial
hypomania of high performing persons of history who also had this
disorder. This mild form of mania existed in a large number of great
and creative persons. It was there that one saw the enormous energy of
Winston Churchill , Ludwig Van Beethoven, William Blake, Napoleon
Bonaparte,, Charles Dickens, T.S. Elliot, Robert Frost, Sigmund Freud,
Ernest Hemmingway, Abraham Lincoln, Jack London, Robert Cow ell,
Michelangelo,, Mozart, Isaac Newton, Edgar Allen Poe, Mark Twain,
Vincent Van Gogh, King David, King Saul. To name a very few of the
countless great personalities that suffered in different degrees from
a milder form of this disorder.
When I put my mind to learning a subject I always succeeded by
coming out near the top of the class. During these very early years, I
began to question nearly everything my existence, what is God? In
addition, from the age of seven developed a life long love for science
fiction fascination in astronomy, religion, existence, reality and purpose.
I suffered unknowingly from huge mood swings from a child untreated at that.
From the age the age of 38, I started to have such debilitation bouts of melancholy; I could no longer cope,
Finding out later out that they were due to endogenous
depression, an unbalance of brain hormones or neurotransmitters. I
started to experience constant headaches; some so sever migraines that
I needing morphine to ease the terrible pain.
I began to visit my doctor regularly for this and other numerous complaints that began to
worry me daily. A tight band around my head seemed to be squeezing it
with a feeling of terrible pressure, so sever that I felt my head was
going to explode. I also started to experience, unusual for me,
constant crippling fatigue, so severe that I felt was dying or melting
out of existence.
Things began to be surreal at work and I began to
battle to concentrate, with a feeling of remoteness from reality. My
nights, instead of rejuvenating rest that most people experienced, was
now being plagued by hideous nightmares and consequently unrelenting
insomnia.
At work no longer my usual alert energetic self, to avoid
passing out from fatigue I had to lock the door to my office during
the day and rest. Why was I feeling like this way? Quit happy, without
any real problems or troubles up to this point in my life. Life
started to lose its luster, color joy and intensity, becoming
progressively darker, grayer, colder and very bleak, wondering why I
needed to continue to exist.
It seemed ridiculous to feel this morbid considering that there appeared to be nothing medically wrong with me
and I had no reason to feel so awful and negative. I simply could not
put my finger on any reason for my gloom; I was doing extremely well
at work, advancing rapidly and considered by my fellow managers and
the C.E.O. as an extremely bright young performer, with a very bright
future in the corporation. Every night in my effort to go to sleep I
would go into that strange state between wake and sleep known as
hynogogic sleep feeling someone or something evil was over looking my
paralyzed body. I twisted and contorted as I tried to move or leave my
motionless body and escape this horror move and wake up. I went to my
G.P. who was perturbed and suggested I see a psychiatrist immediately.
Very reluctant to follow his advice, saying I definitely was not crazy
or mentally sick.
Highly indignant and insulted by this suggestion. I
continued to refuse or acknowledge to anyone that there could possible
be anything mentally ill about me. The term mental illness carried a
tremendous stigma then, (and still unfortunately does) and I felt it
could affect my progress at work as Senior I.T. Manager, just as it
ultimately and tragically did.
My performance at work and home began to get worse and worse.
Communication with those close to me, my staff at work and boss got
considerably worse by the day, and I progressively
withdrew more and more into myself. My previous strong religious
conviction and faith in God weakened considerably. As a Bodybuilder
and fitness fanatic who ran and trained every day, I had developed
imposing physical appearances at a muscular 104 kg and retained good
health. In addition, I had developed formidable intellect and a huge base of knowledge,
due to a lifetime of insatiable curiosity. Consuming countless of
books of every variety and by questioning every source, I could access to obtain the
keys to all unknown mysteries. I was married to a beautiful woman and
had four beautiful school going daughters (Now ten grandchildren)
Before the unimaginable lows of depression my restless dynamic mind
moved between a vast host of subjects, as diverse as physics,
chemistry, quantum mechanics, history, music, art, poetry, religion,
medicine, anatomy, thermodynamics, micro and macro biology,
anthropology, wild life, creation, mathematics, metaphysical,
geography, engineering, computer science, plate tectonics, genetics,
mind control, physiology, psychiatry, psychology evolution, cosmology,
astronomy, plate tectonics, genetics, literacy, science fiction, quantum mechanics,
engineering, the origin and end of all things, the esoteric world,
philosophy, architecture, the study of the lives of great men, origin
of man, etc, etc. I estimate over my lifetime that I must have read something like
books a week, from the from the age of five until the manic depression put a damper on my reading and research
This excludes the books for formal studies
My special love is science fiction; I was an avid amateur astronomer studying variable stars,
Called Cepheid Variables, standard candles blazing from out the remoteness of our beautiful universe.
The depression continued to get worse, I felt I had bad flu constantly
and felt nauseous and full of aches and pains all the time. Constant
headaches continued the tight band around my head got tighter and
tighter until I felt my head was really going to explode. Terribly
sick and in abject despair, desolation, dark bleak coldness and horror
descended like an eternal nightmare into my tormented mind. I could no
longer sleep and went night after night without rest until some on
nights
I finally managed to fall into a nightmarish succession of
small micro- sleeps, plagued with hideous continual nightmares, that
in no way helped my ever-increasing death- like fatigue. If I had been
a Stephen King and could recall all these horrible nightmares in
detail and pen these appalling fearful terrors to paper and make
movies from them I would be a multi- millionaire.
I finally relented and agreed reluctantly to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I was
in the throes of very severe endogenous uni-polar depression, put me
on an anti-depressive drug and booked me off work for a month. The
drug helped for a while and then lost its affect. Numerous other anti-
depressive, anti-psychotic, and tranquilizers drugs both singular and
in combination were tried on my without success. It all seemed to be
utterly hopeless and death was becoming more and more attractive to me
than life. I really started to contemplated suicide. Nothing seemed to
be helping get out of this awful rut helped me. I received
psychotherapy without avail. My descent into the terrible hell of the
unimaginable, unspeakable horror of the black hole of depression
continued. Consequently, hospitalized over eighteen times over the
following year’s times in an effort to bring this demon under some
sort of control, with limited success. Over 30 electric convulsive
treatments where also administered over this protracted period of
agony.
I asked for and received a demotion at work. This was most
humiliating to me, as I had now to work under the supervision of
idiots that were my intellectual inferiors, which I had to prop up and
who took all the credit for my work. My family watched helplessly as I
descended further into this hell on earth, not really understanding.
They could not seem to comprehend what was really happening to me and
I think they felt it was some sort of weakness, lack of back- bone,
character weakness or moral fiber. Especially my Father who absolutely
could not comes to terms with this enigma and was most disappointed at
my apparent failure in life.
Even my closest friend came to me saying he and his wife had discussed my problem the previous night and
concluded that I was not ill but suffered from some sort of weakness or lack of backbone
My daughters also did not really understand what was going on inside me and
felt they had lost the beloved father they had looked up on admired
and respected.
I lost my faith in God and consequently my
rudder to guide through the trials of life is gone. I feel now lost in
the vast ocean in the doldrums of existence. I just want to cease to
exist now and cover myself with the peace of the dark blanket of
oblivion. I thought people had buried me before I was dead
normally very clean tidy disciplined and organized I began to neglect
normal healthy daily routines as well as my daily bodybuilding exercises.
I became afraid to get up in the morning, afraid to go to work, afraid
to drive or go anywhere, afraid to try to go to sleep due to the awful
dark horror that night brought, afraid to wake up and face the new
day. Instead of the blessed sleep and rest of normal healthy people
experienced.
Paranoia and uncontrollable obsessions began haunted me day and night.
At times I became catatonic, in a continual stupor confined to mental hospital with vacant,
eyes lying looking up at the ceiling and not responding to any kind of stimulant. I remember this as some sort of a vague coma.
Can any one just try to relate the hell on earth that I have had to
live in for all those many years of horror?
The severe depression absolute self-loathing, self-hatred, fear, loss
of self-esteem and energy. I was afraid to get up in the morning,
afraid to go to sleep.
When I slept, it was a coma, sleep, full of
nightmares. I could not taste food; sight became dull, eases seemed to
be deep in sockets hidden and dead, skin dry and flaky, hair oily
limp, together with a host of other host of unexplainable aches and
pains all over my body
A feeling of being remote from reality and
felting physically and mentally sick all the time. I felt and looked
years older than I really was. I lost many many days from work by
being, hospitalized on numerous occasions.
My hands and body continue
to tremble and shake all the time and I was sweating constantly. I
contemplated suicide.
Nevertheless, so ill by then I could not even
then come remotely close to motivating myself to commit suicide. I was
all too much effort I was too tired much too weak to contemplate doing
myself in. Indeed any activity no matter how small was no just too
much for me. I just wanted to cease to exist. To the reader all this
might seem extremely self-centered and it is indeed the case, one
becomes, while in the grasp of this terrible illness, very self-
centered and loses touch with those around you who love you.
(Later I did make a real attempt to commit suicide almost cutting my right arm off and nearly bleeding to death)
A psychiatrist finally decided to try Electro-Shock therapy on me,
with some success. This only anti-depressive treatment really that
gave me some relief. Six to 10 shocks brought me out of depression for
a while. This therapy would bring me out of depression for only
approx. 3-6 months. Due to other severe episodes, additional E.T.C.,
causing some short-term memory loss was administered.
During another try with a different less radical treatment (Anafranil
drip), I started to feel much much better. I became abnormally
extremely hopeful, positive and convinced that I was completely well
and healthy. Of course, now when one looks back I can see how
illogical this is. I stopped eating, did not sleep for weeks and lost
weight rapidly. I had endless energy. Speeding vivid thoughts like a
torrential rapid raging river flooded my brain. I began to write,
think and talk nonstop became poetic, musical and danced and sang with
unspeakable joy. I felt so very very wonderful, happy and totally
convinced God had indeed healed me.
I illogically stopped all my
medication, throwing the lot down the toilet. I became extremely
loving and became obsessively clean, bathing four or five times a day.
I tidied up the house, cleaned and polished the floors; washed dishes
mowed the lawn and did gardening, things absolutely out of character.
Filled laughter and the joy of life everything was beautiful. My sense
of humor returned to a totally abnormal extent and I found everything
extremely funny indeed. It was June 1980 and it was snowing outside in
JohannesburgSouth Africa. Returning to work in this state of extreme insane
optimism, not knowing then that this was my first encounter with;
“MANIC MADNESS, THE EVIL SISTER OF DEPRESSION AND THAT I WERE AN
EXTREME MANIC DEPRESSIVE OR BI-POLAR DISORDER SUFFERER”.
After a few mild episodes of mild hypomania my mood swings became much more
sever and pronounced. Held for long years in the iron grip of very
severe three monthly swings from the very depth of depression and
despair to absolute total high insane of manic psychosis. The
extremely destructive out of control hyper- mania started to become
very very frightening to myself and all those around me. This phase if
not quickly brought under control can devastate ones life and the
lives around you and can even lead to death. It is the true horror of
the awesome power of the brain and mind-gone berserk, wrong and
descent into the unspeakable unexplainable hell of the very strange
world of true insanity. From this experience, I know that the brain
when malfunctioning is so enormously powerful it can throw one to the
floor with such power and severe convolutions that nearly every bone
in the body can be broken. Any psychiatrist, neurologist or surgeon
will verify this.
My psychiatrist then put me on lithium and a well-known (Anti-
depressive drug). This approach appeared to help somewhat and I was
reasonably balanced for a time. I stress, however, that I continued to
have severe mood swings, even while on these anti-depressive
medications and mood levelers. My illness continues to get worse
becoming so bad that I had to take early retirement at a young age
(I think the physiatrists tried out nearly every psychotropic drug on me)
All this had a further devastating impact on my self-esteem, self-
confidence and every area my whole life. I felt humiliated embarrassed
and a total failure in life and that I should never had been born
questioning my very existence. I developed an enormous inferiority
complex and became very ashamed of myself. Feeling everyone looked on
me with contempt and pity. I could no longer enjoy socializing and I withdrew into myself
Completely
my patient wife and children and friends were all very worried and saw
the manic/ depression still in my view seeing it as some sort of a
lack of backbone of moral fiber or mental weakness. I must pull myself
together somehow. At this point they could not comprehend that I was physically,
pathologically and mentally sick to the point of death. To find some
sort of relief, I started a secretive hazardous habit and, disastrous
trend of substance abuse. I consumed vast doses of prescription and
over the counter painkillers, extremely addictive bezodiazapam
combinations, together with drugs, not illegal but I would have if I could have gotten my hand onto them
This gave me only the briefest relief and in the end, if possible made things much much worse,
and could have led to my death, due to drug toxicity. If any young
person or indeed anyone reading this account, never ever touch drugs,
not even once, or you will be a slave to them for life and they might
indeed take your very life. If you never touch them, you will never
miss them. “DON’T START SMOKING”
I had by now lost most my faith in God and started doubt his very
existence? My rudder was gone and life had become a ship in the
doldrums of oceans of existence. I had no purpose any reason to live
or do battle with the evil reality that is manic depression. It was
simply bigger and stronger than I was. The locust had eaten most of my
youthful life. (27 years).
While the depressive phase of bi-polar disorder is extremely bleak and
dark, the outcome of the destructive extreme high mania psychoses phase is
more horrifying, “if possible”. In the upper peaks of mania, you come
face to face with true madness, complete insanity or psychosis. Both
the peak and the valley of the sine wave of manic depression can
result in the same end and outcome death.
I come now come to the most difficult part in trying to relate to the
mentally healthy somehow to explain what goes on in the extreme manic
mind, while they are completely insane, mad or psychotic, in a way
that they can come close to comprehending this place of strange
unending fear terror and horror. To anyone that would still think I am
weak after reading what follows, if they have sufficient courage
should follows me into the dark terrifying, notifying strange reaches
of the bizarre my insanity and depression and come out sane and alive
and survive like I did. “I dare them,” walk in my shoes and then
comment!
I have to try my very best with all the skills of my gift with the
written word to take the reader with me on this journey of terror and
horror that goes on in the basement of my chaotic maelstrom mind and
brain, when I am in the relentless unrelenting grip, grasp and throes
of this evil psychotic, insane madness of manic insanity.
I felt so glorious so wonderful tremendously high, energetic and good, in the first stage of mania, I
immediately stop all my medication, throwing it down the toilet when
no one is looking. I try my very best in this early stage to fool my
wife and family that I am completely normal and just feeling very well
indeed. I can control myself and appear to be normal at this early
stage of mania even fool my psychiatrist by giving him all him all the
correct answers to his questions.
I get dangerously belligerent if anyone dares to suggest there is anything
Wrong with me when I am enjoying a life of bliss.
Going back to the point this account where threw all my medication
down the toilet and the consequences thereof. The medicinal
controlling factor of bi-polar disorder being now secretly been
removed by myself, the terrible type of mania I am subject to uncontrollably
progress and spiral upwards into a maelstrom of total psychosis. I
am, however, unaware of this danger at this stage and still feel
certain I am in absolute control of myself, and in fact I feel sublimely wonderful
The exhilaration the ecstasy the first stages of the manic phase are so seductive and so far better
than any drug high, one feels that an eternity in this happy glorious.
I am in a state of bliss my sexually and libido is heightened beyond belief,
I am full of rapture happiness a state of such joy, such beauty I must must sustain it forever.
Nothing and no one can convince me, when I am like this, that
there is anything wrong with me and any one trying to reason with me
that I am unwell makes me very indignant, Irritable and very angry, why should I stop feeling this great.
Thoughts, came with nonstop
obsessions and uncontrollable non- thinking, trying to know the
inscrutable? Religious obsession? What is the universe expanding into
if it is everything? What is absolute nothingness? Is infinity
possible? Why do we exist, is there a God, Infinity? The impossible
concept of eternity?
My finite mind trying to arrive at by precise and
finite means the explanation for all infinite inscrutably mysteries , the
enigma of evil, the enigma that there is no such thing as
nothingness?, what is time?, what is life?, what is the of purpose of
life?, what is energy?, know the mind of God?, is evolution toe?, what
is gravity?, what is God?, is there a God?, what came before the big bang of creation?,
how many dimensions are there in existence?, are there other universes
beyond ours, what is outside the boundaries of the universe, Will the
universe continue to expand forever?, what is forever?, is there life
after death? Is there a heaven or a hell? What is the purpose of
life/, is life meaningless? etc, etc, etc. I feel unreasonably that I
must know absolutely everything in existence, that it is imperative to unravel
all mysteries to know the inscrutable mind of God and become one with
the infinite eternal divine sublime reality. On, on, and on day and
night, without rest or sleep, trapped in a life- time cycle of questions with no
answers that I simply cannot accept.
I seem to go into other realms or dimensions, where I live and die in an infinitesimal moment,
But also experience it as a complete and detailed life in real time
I have to live many full lives in real time but condensed into the briefest of moment, some are worse than any Christian hell indeed
Making the Christian hell seem like a kiddy’s picnic by comparison
Some are heavens unimaginable more pleasant than the earthly one, I wanted desperately to remain in these realms
An unsettling uncontrollable state a flood of never-ending disturbing thoughts that give me no rest, day and night, I must just know everything before meaningless death
overtakes me and I die in ignorance.
Mania is so very delightful at first, so seductive and wonderful
creeping unawares on the helpless victim, cannot tell or will even
admit that there was anything wrong, because of the fact that one
feels so unearthly wonderful.
To reiterate, the first symptom of mania is the lifting of depression
one feel so very wonderful, I always stop all medication. Once I
reached the higher level of mania, where I no longer had any control
over myself I progressively went into long altered states of
consciousness, sometimes as long as three months before some normality
returned. Energy becomes so boundless and one is dangerously without
fear, stop sleeping, develop extreme, sublime, exalted grandiosity,
ecstasy, joy, wonder, delight, rapture bliss, elation, sublime
euphoria, hallucinates constantly and has bright eyelid visions,
stops, eating and etc, etc. Who would ever want to give up a state of
mind like this? Everything is much much more intense, colors are more
beautiful, smell becomes much more acute, food tastes wonderful, sleep
is not necessary, endless imagery reading researching debating writing
thinking laughing everything is fully have Godlike insight. Eyes are
bright hair shining skin looking healthy. Losing weight rapidly as
appetite decreases and in the end one simply stops eating and sleeping altogether.
Everything becomes so bright so glorious, beautiful colors of flowers
crass, trees, sky, stars; every thing is now observed and recorded in
the minutest detail, so unearthly, unspeakably indescribably beautiful
beyond the normal senses. Was this then heaven, no! Like an incandescent
light hugely overloaded with too great voltage, my neurons are all lit up at
once and if continued blaze would like that I will burn out, blink
out, and die. This state is absolutely abnormal and
dangerous. In this extreme high state of manic madness if members of my family approach, me telling me I must take my medicine and I am not well. This is ridiculous to my irrational mind then and I lie that I have been taken my medicine
religiously If they persist I become belligerent, angry, irritable and
start to avoid contact with these people that I perceive as mere
mortals unlike like my most high and exalted self. Feel I know
everything I am the essence of the sublime, indeed I am now Christ merged
with God and all-powerful and Omni-all.
It then progresses to constant nonstop rapid uncontrollable thinking,
wild laughter, and increased sense of humor non-stop talking. Acute
sense of taste smell touch & vision, sound everything is more acute,
in this advanced phase of manic madness. I am convinced I have
developed a sixth sense, that I am God.
I become delusional, begin to hallucinate, sometimes-beautiful visions
of other worlds, universes, heaven and see and perceive colors that do
not exist on this earth. Other times so unspeakable terrible and horrendous that
My mind jerked back in unimaginable fear and terror I become telepathic I am in constant communication every
being in existence now I was truly God incarnate. I was convinced I was
God I feel that I am the incarnation of the sublime, I now have the power to destroy the universe.
I continue to have vivid visions and dreams, so real that I still do
not know if I was communicating with highest intelligence. I can
see the future flashing before my eyes in rapid non-stop visions. My
eyes dart back and forth, back and forth, become red, and inflamed and
terrifying to look into. I am in another reality beyond space and time
an alarming altered state of consciousness. No longer feeling glorious,
I am becoming more and scared, terrified of this uncontrollable state
and everything starts to go out of contra. My body begins to die from
the unrelenting drain off energy on it by this completely abnormal
state of affairs. My physical senses merge and mingle, I become in a state of sythesia,
Were I can taste colors, math’s and numerals become objects like one is a candle, two becomes a zebra
I became paranoid fearful, horrified, terrified, desolate,
desperate to escape the horror that has become my tormented mind. Is
there a hell? Yes! I am experiencing it already on this earth. One
moment I would be in a state of extreme elation and the next
belligerent, annoyed, hostile, aggressive and even violent. I feel
everything is in bondage and must be free at once go outside go amuck and let
all the neighbors dogs out, go to the local mall and terrify shop
owners, herding more about a hundred people into one corner there
proclaiming I am God and I was about to destroys or immediately kill
them all for their unrepentant continual evil. I became out of my mind
with hysterical rage anger that I felt my brain would explode. Was I
dangerous then? Yes! Very dangerous to myself and if I had remained in
this state much longer, I could have killed some innocent bystander or
myself.
Then absolutely socially inappropriate I would walked around demented,
without shoes or shirt and approach anyone in the street shouting
scripture or philosophy, particle, micro and macro physic, astronomy
and cosmology, if they did not understand me, I got extremely angry
calling them all a bunch of ignorant idiots. I would also remind every
person I met, while roaming the streets like a wild man beside himself
that end of the world was upon us.
I was now completely out of control completely without fear. How could
I fear anything after all I was Almighty God? The police arrived and as soon as I saw one of them, I
grabbed his gun and told him to shoot me. I was unafraid of anything
and uncaring whether if I lived or died. The police unsure of what was
wrong with me with great difficulty took me forcible to a doctor
nearby. The doctor was terrified of me with my wild insane appearance
and had no clue of what was wrong with me. Eyes glowing, darting side
to side back and forth back and forth completely red with pupils
dilated. Laughing and babbling hysterically like a rapid broken record
on high speed. By now the police, doctors (yes there was by now two
trying to rationalize what was wrong with this terrifying insane demon
in their midst?).
One of the doctors said in my hearing to someone
that I was in the throes of severe vitamin withdrawal” I found this
comment hysterically funny ridiculous and hilarious and burst into
extremely loud sustained hysterical laughter. The doctor corrected me
by saying he did not say vitamin withdrawal but amphetamine
withdrawal. I kept asking the police officer to shoot me as I was
convinced I was immortal. Luckily, for me kindly refrained. He was a
kind and loving young man that realized that something was s very
wrong with me and held my hand throughout this awful event. He asked
me if one of the doctors present could give me an injection and I
agreed, saying they could inject any poison even cyanide into me and I
would not react, as I was God-man.
They gave me nine injections of some concoctions in order to calm me down. At first,
these injections seem to have no affect on me and the young police
officer was the only one that could calm me down somewhat. Unknown to
me an ambulance had been called to take me urgently into a mental
hospital on the advice of a psychiatrist, which one off the doctors
had contacted telephonically.
On arriving hospital I now began to descend down and down into death like coma
state. I was given further injections of unknown substance and began to
drift off. “(Twelve injections in all? I am lucky to be alive)”. In
hospital, TV like visions on my eyelids continued to horrify and
plague me so badly I was terrified to close my eyes. Just by thinking
and closing my eyes, I could see any member of my family or anyone
else and observe exactly what they were doing at the time no matter
where they on earth. I had become psychic. I saw in this way,
terrifying clear as day in full color three-dimensional moving images
of the past as well as the future. After each vision, a “voice?” would
ask I, “do you want to savor the moment?”
I saw visions about something, someone, somewhere or indeed and I saw what I wanted
to see on my eyelids as one sees on a movie screen. Don’t believe?, I
do not care I know I have seen what I have seen I was convinced I
could see into and hear telepathically the mind of all living things,
especially humans.. An uncontrollable cacophony and babble of voices
from thousands of minds all around me soon became loud and unbearable in my brain.
I escaped from hospital by jumping out of a window, early in the
morning when it was still dark and very cold. It was mid- winter and I was
freezing in my pajamas looking up into the dark sky waiting for the
coming of God and his host of angels I began to thirst, (possible due
to the affect of the twelve injections previously mentioned). My mouth
was dry I thirsted. In my mind, there in the darkness of the early
morning, I saw the slaughter of the innocents. I saw and heard a
message from God to humanity; "mere mortal man, "I God am not pleased
with you". I heard God replacing world leaders.
Changing from knowing I was God to the awful morph of realizing in cold fear that somehow
becoming his eternal enemy Satan. I became in my deluded mind, the
Devil incarnate and for the first time felt absolute terror of
desolation, abandonment horror real fear of the remoteness that would
come from my sin, and the utter hopelessness of eternal separation
from God in the eternal flames of hell.
Fearing in absolute horror that I had now committed the unforgivable sin against God and was
doomed burn in hell forever. I became obsessive-compulsive, bathing
5-6 times a day, constantly thinking, could find no rest. I stop
sleeping; millions of vivid thoughts, images and loud voices and
sounds bombarded my tormented soul, day and night.
I could not stop these horribly frightening unwelcome inputs from
flooding my fevered sick brain and I cried out for death. Sleep
continued to elude me. Evil dark cold bleak thoughts burned in the
blazing furnace that was now my brain. My eyes are now blood red.
Consumed with ice-cold fear. By now very emotional weeping for no
reason. Perhaps I was on the once again on the uncontrollable ride
down to the bottomless pit of the depressive cycle of manic depression.
I started to speak to myself and had visions of hell. I tried looking
outward into infinity/ eternity/ nothingness and retracted my mind in
alarm, in an effort to prevent myself from going completely psychotic,
from the monstrous colossal undiluted evil I see. Is this the evil
eternal thing destined for the eternal abyss? I feel the desolation of
this place, A place so evil so horrible even God will not look into
it. I fear and think God will thrust this evil and me, into this
bottomless pit and forget us there forever?
Now wildly manic & psychotic. I go into a stupor and retract into a
deep coma, and seem to observe from at the very cliff edge the true
ultimate end of the horror that is the monster of manic madness and
death.
Where there still options left for me. Who could help me now? Where
was I to go from this terrible place? That is the battleground of my
mind. I believe I came out of this hideous madness by going to my
creator calling out to God to help me, and he lifted me out again into
his light with infinite power and love.
Going back to the first moment of awareness, when God was alone in the
infinite darkness of ultimate loneliness, I knew he had a good eternal
reason for creating me and nothing evil would ever prevail against
him. I jerking awake from the coma, I see a glorious beautiful
translucent light of many colors, light now dispelled the darkness of
me brain. Hope eternal returns to me my misery turns to quiet peace. I
feel final victory of goodness could be at hand.
I see a view from the very highest of mountains. I looked out, saw
there was no horizon, and attempted to look at and understand
infinity. The plain I see goes on forever and forever with no end. I
tried to comprehend infinity and immediately started to retract, from
this paradox of the incomprehensible. I realized that it was futile to
try to unravel the inscrutable When I got back home I noticed that I
had become very creative writing papers on poetry, physics, history,
philosophy, science, astronomy, cosmology, relativity and biblical
interpretation Unique thoughts out nowhere and not found in literature
just came to me out of the blue as revelation which I then documented
onto my computer. I found I was posing questions that none no one
internet had asked by goggling on all the subjects that interested me.
My mind was constantly active.
Was this the last of the episodes? No! Nevertheless, up to the time of
writing this article I have never experienced another episode remotely
as severe as that detailed above.
I often hear that all traumas has a purpose and once we have survived
it we come out learning some mystery of life, become wiser and more
balanced. I can not buy this point of view in my case as I see what
has happened to me and what is indeed still happening to my as pain
without purpose or reason. Maybe in the next life, if there is one,
the reason, if there is one, will finally be revealed to me.
Love conquers all. It is the love of my family, my beloved wife,
caring friends and wonderful doctors that I am alive still and able to
write this account hoping somehow it could help someone else in a
similar dilemma. There is always hope. Be warned guard the door to
your mind.
I have to remain on medication to control my bi-polar depression for
the rest of my life.
Alan Grant McDougall 20/6/2007.
Share the story if you want to it might just help someone
Peace Alan