My friend in mental institution, afraid to help or even visit

[evita]

Hi all,

My close friend has been struggling with bipolarity for years and now s ended up in closed facility where she is treated with eletric shocks.
I feel like such a chicken but I havent been able to be there for her. Ive been struggling with gad and panick disorder myself for years and just the past few months have been doing better again after a "relapse". And Ive stayd away from her for over a year already cause she has such a "negative" influence on me (suggestion from my therapist). Meaning that Im so emotionally attached to her that if she feels eg. depressed or weird etc I start to feel that way too. And I really mean it. Im like a darn chameleon. If someone has even a flu Im sure I have it. So if someone has a unknown/scary sickness Im so afraid that Ill somehow have it too. Which is just absolutely stupid, I know. And I know being Bipolar and having gad is way different.
But to the point, has any of you avoided friends or family etc because they were e.g. depressed cause you thought you couldnt handle it? That you were afraid that you would loose it too?
I feel so sad for her and so ashamed of myself that I cant find the strenght to support her. We havent spoken in a year so she wouldnt even expect me to show up but anyway. Why do I always feel so fragile.
If I even read about depression or mental illnesses I start feeling really anxious and weird, like a before a panic attack. I dont get it.
Well, thanks again for "listening"
Evita

[mabelina]

You've no need to feel bad about not going to see her. There is absolutely no way in hell i could. Even a normal hospital ward freaks me out and starts my panic off. You say she's having electric shock treatments? I didnt even know they still did this? My grandfather used to have these when he was young. Anyway, would you be able to write to her or talk over the phone? Maybe that would make you feel some what better?

[evita]

Thank you for understanding, i really should not seek sympathy for myself cause she is worse but its good to know there is somebody out there who understands. I wrote a Mail to her, not sure that she is allowed to read, but just yo say im thonking about her. Its scary to see someone close to you get so bad, especially since nothing has helped. When you yourself are dealing with mental issues its easy to think that you will go down the same road. So sad. And yes, they do the electric shocks still but as a last resort. But ive read about them and even though they are hard core, they are not so scary as the image might seem. They really help some people.

[Marginalia]

Hi all,

My close friend has been struggling with bipolarity for years and now s ended up in closed facility where she is treated with eletric shocks.
I feel like such a chicken but I havent been able to be there for her. Ive been struggling with gad and panick disorder myself for years and just the past few months have been doing better again after a "relapse". And Ive stayd away from her for over a year already cause she has such a "negative" influence on me (suggestion from my therapist). Meaning that Im so emotionally attached to her that if she feels eg. depressed or weird etc I start to feel that way too. And I really mean it. Im like a darn chameleon. If someone has even a flu Im sure I have it. So if someone has a unknown/scary sickness Im so afraid that Ill somehow have it too. Which is just absolutely stupid, I know. And I know being Bipolar and having gad is way different.
But to the point, has any of you avoided friends or family etc because they were e.g. depressed cause you thought you couldnt handle it? That you were afraid that you would loose it too?


Evita - one thing I have learnt is that if you don't look after yourself, you can't help other people anyway. So there's really no point you putting yourself in danger of mental health problems in this situation.

The way I think of it is, some people are just not built for certain situations: for example, I have neither the physical or mental stamina to be in the army/police/fire service. Other people can do this. On the other hand there are things I am built to do (academic stuff) which other people aren't. You aren't built to be the kind of person who is suited to be a suitable friend to this person, but at the hospital she will find people who are, and hopefully will have other friends.

*hugs*

I was in a similar situation myself, where I was supporting a friend with depression and eating disorders for over a year. I didn't feel consciously 'sucked in' to her illness, but I pushed myself past the limits of my emotional ability to cope, and ended up becoming depressed myself. Just like you, my counsellor persuaded me that I had to cut her off in order to save my own sanity. It was a horrible thing to do, but I realised there was no other way. I was just not built to cope with her: not her unremitting depression/insecurity alone, but her personality and the way she coped with things (risk-taking, extreme emotions etc.), and what she wanted from me, made us just emotionally incompatible, however fond we were of each other.

The lesson I have learned is that I can't be all things to all people. I need to be more cautious and not offer myself as a shoulder to cry on until I get to know a person and know that they are not going to overwhelm me. Boundaries, they keep saying: put up boundaries and find limits, to protect yourself. Easier said than done. So ending contact with somebody might be the only option.

I know it's hard not to feel guilty (I still do), but one has to accept one's limits.

Min.

[evita]

Thank you so much Marginalia :)
When you said that "you were emotionally incompatible" with your friend, it hit a core. That is exactly how I think we always were as friends, with my best friend. And yes, I am definitely not built to cope with her. No matter how much i would want to.
I have also been trying to learn to set up some boundaries,cause like many of us, I have also been "too nice". Always worrying over other people and carrying their weight over my shoulder. That is why it definitely is hard for us to be "selfish", although perhaps for the right reasons. And thank you for comforting that there are other people who can take much better care of her.
I really hope that she will find some peace.

[kazzie]

Hi Evita:hugs:

Please dont beat yourself up over this:lac:

I hate hospitals and I was in a psyc unit for a few days some years ago......no one came near except my hubby!!!!

Could you maybe send her a nice card and a note so she dosent feel forgotton???

Sometimes in life we have to take a step back in order to protect our own sanity.....lesson I learnt the hard way:wacko:

Take care of You

Kaz x x x:bighug1:

[T89]

I'm basically just repeating what has already been said but it is important to look after yourself at the moment. I mean no offense when I say this but you probably wouldn't be any help to her at the moment because you yourself are finding things difficult. If you don't think you could cope with a psychiatric ward there is no shame in that-I know someone who is in that ward at hospital at the moment and I was with my dad when he went to visit and just couldn't go in. I had to wait outside because I know I couldn't cope with the way I feel at the moment.

I also have a friend who suffers from anxiety and we're still friends but when he starts talking about his problems he drains all of the energy out of me. You did the right thing by trying to distance yourself from that negativity.

I think Kazzie had a great idea by suggesting a card-you can show your support but also focus on getting yourself better.

Take care x

[evita]

Thank you both so much :flowers:
I think that the card idea is good, Ill try to see whether it is possible. I just dont want her to get upset in anyway so have to think about it carefully.
What you all said makes sence, I really am not in the shape to help her. I just have to live with the fact that she might not see it that way. Maybe someday she will.
Thank you once more :bighug1:
Evita

[SharonDerby]

Hi all
Marg what a fabulous post, thank you, reading it makes so much sense, we are all different and can all cope/manage in different ways.
I am going through some horrific symptoms of anxiety at the moment and reading that has made me realise that what has bought it on is something i should never have embarked on in the first place, to make a little sense of what i meen....
I have been in a prolonged state of (self inflictid) stress over something i could have controled from day one and thought i could manage but it turns out that i have been thinking of this stressfull situation 24 hours a day for 16 months and by thinking about it all the time 24/7 it has affected me mentaly and phyicaly to the point that i feel as bad now as 20 years ago when i first started to suffer from axiety.
What you said made me realise that i am just not as super strong as i thought i'm not capeable of dealing with prolonged stress alone and should have got myself out of this situation befor it had the chance to manifest it'self again as some very unpleasnt symptoms that are now causing me evn more anxiety and mental issues.
I can't get out of the situation now for at least 3 months so i'm now trying to cope the best i can, i'm affraid that by the hour i feel worse and can't think str8, on top of this because of the way i'm feeling i'm now scared i'm going mad a symptom i had years ago that ruled my life and made it very limiting i dont want to fall that far back, i'm scared i'm talking rubbish all the time and i'm not making sense to anyone, i feel like everyone thinks i'm crazy.
Anyway after all that rant i am very glad i read your post, i will put that little gem into my memory so that when i can't do something i can recall it and ask myself is this something i'm actualy able to do and remind myself that we are not all built to do all things :)
Sharon :)

[evita]

Dear Sharon

i just wanted to say to you that you seem to be a very strong person, even though you might not feel that way right now. You have been dealing with your stressing situation for so long that another 3 months should not make any difference. Meaning you wont go mad or "cant take it", you prob have already felt at one point the worse you ever will so there is nothing "scarier" behind a corner. You have made it through before, you will again. But you are right, it will make your life much simpler if you are able to detach yourself from your negative situation or someones influence. Before that, just try to think of all the positive things waiting for you in the future :hugs:
ps. you are making very much sense