PDA

View Full Version : I am so Confused and Scared



CJL
23-09-05, 09:49
Well as i'm a member of a different kind of forum, I thought this may be a good idea. Sorry that this may be so long, but i'm not sure about much.

A few weeks ago, my fiance and me talked about our relationship. She basically isnt sure that she wants to be with me of not. We've lost a special connection, and we have talked about my behaviour over the last year or so.
I have been in a right state since, feeling absolutely down about myself and life.
Then yesterday, I decided to look at depression. Its effects on a relationship. But this was because of my Fiance, not me, who had suffered about a year ago.
But when I started reading the information, I suddenly realised that I wasnt reading about my fiance, but I was reading about me. Ths totally shook me up, and I just started crying.
I realised that over the last year or so, so many of the symptoms of depression were how I had been feeling and acting. I've had no energy to do anything, I havent been excited, i'm always tired, yet I cant sleep when I am. I dont have major problems falling asleep, but when I wake up, thats it. I cant get back to sleep. The I get tired during the day, but I cant sleep.
I've been really aggitated, cant relax, cant focus on thing.

I'm now so scared that I have ignored other peoples warnings, their advice. I've thought that I was ok.

So many of the things that Kel wasnt happy with started to make sense. I'm a moderator on a weather forum, and spent alot of time on it. But I couldnt work out why. I knew it was to do with my obsetion with snow. But then I realised. My dad had a stroke about 7 years ago. My favourite memory of him was waking me up in the night, by throwing a snowball at me. I adorred that moment. But after his stroke, we lost out closeness. And my memories just kept hurting me, and so I may have just put them out of my mind.

Theres so many things, but with everything else that is going on, i'm now also worried about losing my fiance. Some of the feelings she has, was what I had when she was ill.
But I cant tell her what i'm scared of having, in case she thinks its an excuse.

trac67
23-09-05, 10:07
Hi CJL,
Welcome to the forum, you will get a lot of good advice here. I can relate to what you said about your dad. My dad had a massive stroke 3 years ago, and it affected me a lot, but he is still my dad, he may not be the same dad he was before his stroke, but at least he is still here and i am still able to hug him and tell him i love him.
Try to sit down with your fiance and talk things through, when two people love one another, they can overcome anything and it brings you closer together.
Feel free to Pm me if you ever need a chat.
Take care
Trac xx

its "just a thought"

CJL
23-09-05, 10:14
Thanks Trac67.

With my Fiance, I just dont know if its going to work out. She says she loves me, but isnt sure if shes in love with me anymore. But listening to her, it just made me think what I was doing. But until yesterday, I knew what I was doing, but couldnt think why.
But now i'm so scared that everything has gone wrong, and it has been my fault, and its taken me so long to realise what other people have been telling me.

The thing is, i've now got so many emotions rolling around in my head, so many visions of the past, that things seem to be coming to the surface.

I'm really worried that I may have left it too late.

But my dad is a seperate issue, but I suppose a contribution to the way I have been. We were always very close, but never a family that said 'I love you'. Because he has changed so much mentally, its really hard to be close to him.
I had a vision 10 minutes ago, which, I keep having. When he came home from hospital for the first time, our hosue door is at the bottom of a slopped drive way. So I went to push him, and he just turned round and shouted that he could do it himself. Its just stuck in my head of when he did that.

I probably realise now that I have been depressed, but I cant really diagnose myself. Hopefully, i'll be going to the doctors later.
But I still cant work out the reason why i've been so down.
Is it my past, my dad, former relationships, my fiances depression (thinking I would be fine coping with it). I just dont know really.

trac67
23-09-05, 10:28
CJL,
The depression is more than likely due to a combination of everything that is going on in your life. We sometimes think they we are dealing with everything that is going on in our lives, but really we arent, we are pushing them to the back of our minds, it is easier than confronting them head on. This is ok for a while but in the end they start to fight their way back to the front of our minds, and they cant be ignored anymore. Take each issue one by one, work through it and solve it, in the best way you can. Once you are able to do this then things will become a lot clearer for you. When you go to see your doctor talk everything through with him, he will be able to point you in the best direction for you.
I hope this makes sense as i can waffle on lol
Take care
Trac xx

its "just a thought"

CJL
23-09-05, 10:40
Thanks Trac67.

The rouble is, I dont know if what I'm thinking i've got is all in my head. I've looked up depression, and done the gold* something test. Before everything happened with me and my fiance, the test shows that I was nearly severly depressed. But with everything going on now, its saying that I am defo severely depressed.
But I dont want to be, and I dont know really why I was.
Its all very confusing at the moment.

Meg
23-09-05, 14:09
CJL

Now you think it is depression a trip to the doctors may recommend some antidepressants - they can be short term life savers by altering your mood within 4-6 weeks.

They do not solve your problems but can get you into a better frame of mind to take each issue as Tracey says and deal with it.

Along with that, if you are confused it would be well worth seeing a counsellor who can help you make some sense of what is going on within you and guide you to how you can understand these better.

*So I went to push him, and he just turned round and shouted that he could do it himself. * Are you seeing this as an upsetting vision ?

With Kel, if she has been through depression herself , she will surely have understanding and compassion for where you are right now and remember how you supported her last year.


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

CJL
23-09-05, 14:18
Thank you Meg.

If I have depression, I would rather see a councillor rather than go on anti-depressents. But if I have depression, i'm sure a doc will only put me on something if they feel its required.
Things just arent that good between me and the F at the moment. So i'm scared that she not only cant support me, but wont.
I'm also a bit worried about work now. I've been under so much pressure recently, or even the last 2-3 years, that I dont want to let people down.
I have got an appoint' in about an hour and a half to see the doc, but scared of what to expect.
I remember when Kel went, it took about 4-6 weeks to get an initial appointment with a councillor.

I just hope that all of this is going to make sense to everybody I know.

clickaway
23-09-05, 15:55
Hi CJL,

I'm glad you have come on here, and also that you are making that trip to see the GP.

I can relate to much of what you say. I know its hard, but try to be positive and smell the sweet air outside.

Let us know how you got on at the docs.

Ray

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

CJL
23-09-05, 16:38
Thanks Clickaway.

Well i've just got back from my GP, and he has said I've got mild depression. But it does seem to be with undealt issues of my past. Other people, me as well.
I do feel like a failure though. I didnt want to go through this. I didnt want to be like this. I always thought I would be strong enough to cope.
But I think this has been eating away at me for some time now. Its really effected my life, my relationships and my work.

I suppose I should see how I get on. I'm back again at the docs next week, but I really feel like I need to see a councillor. I have all these sad images and stages in my life that keep appearing in my head. But they start to get mixed up with other ones, and eventually its all like a brown mess.
Its really confusing me.

Meg
23-09-05, 16:55
**I do feel like a failure though. I didnt want to go through this. I didnt want to be like this. I always thought I would be strong enough to cope. **

This has nothing to do with strength at all CJL

It has to do with learning to process and deal with stuff, which we are not taught or encouraged to do in the 21st c .

It may actually be that your real strength is your adversary here, as you have coped well with lots of issues possibly by not dealing with them and hoarding them and now your body has decided that it needs a clear out.

Pint pot too full syndrome and that has nothing at all to do with strength, more like capacity. If is has been hoarding negative images and replaying them, then its only realistic that it will come out as sadness.

See it as a necessary sorting out exercise and yes do find yourself a counsellor. It may help to start writing a semi journal/ thoughts book meanwhile so you can see what topics keep arising that you need to dedicate some time to.

Look after yourself well these next few weeks.

The depression is just a passing phase.







Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

CJL
23-09-05, 22:42
Now i'm starting to realise what is wrong with me, or at least has been making me depressed, i'm now getting really paranoid about my f's feelings for this other person. So paranoid, that I looked at her mobile phone. She has the guys number on it, and the phone is a new one for her job she started two weeks ago. Now I have questions like, why is it on there? Why is she calling him?
I know they are meant to be good friends from her last job, and that he has been having problems recently, but I can thelp think why. She has said that nothing would ever happen, but a relationship I had during my last year at Uni has really ****ed me up I think.
Basically, I was in a non-commital relationship, and got so worked up at her going out when I wasnt there. One night, a load of us went out, and we ended up round her house. Then she started shagging some other bloke. That really killed me. Now i'm paranoid that history is repeating.

I just feel like breaking down tonight.

CJL
24-09-05, 11:52
Me and the F have talked again this morning. It looks like things arent going to work out. She says theres too much that has happened, and because shes got feelings for somebody else, she thinks the damage is not repairable.
I'm now feeeling so low and sad. I dont know what i'm doing or thinking.

trac67
24-09-05, 13:57
Hi CJL,
I am sorry to hear about how things have turned out with you and your fiancee, but maybe it is for the best, and you can move on. Me and my husband split up last November, so i know it is hard at first, but you do get over it and you can move on. Things my look very bleak at the minute, but it will get easier given time.
Take care hun
Love
Trac xx


its "just a thought"

Alice
24-09-05, 15:13
CJL
Im sorry youre having such a rough time at the moment, when youre in the grips of depression it can be a shock to discover just how much youve changed as a person.

But i think youve made an important step, you now recognise that what you are suffering from is depression, and also that there are unresolved issues in your past, specifically concerning your father, which could be contributing to it. There is no miracle cure for depression, but the most important thing is recognising it and accepting it. Now you can seek treatment and know that there is a reason that you feel this way. You cant help feeling the way you do, but now you know that youre suffering from depression you can actively do something about it.

I think you would really benefit from counselling, it seems that you have been blocking out your emotions for some time, and now they have emerged with full force and are distressing you. I had counselling a few years ago and it really helped untwist things in my mind, to see things rationally. The doctor may recommend you for counselling, or you can go privately if there is a large waiting list.

As to taking medication, many people dont like the thought of taking anti-depressants, and want to cope on their own. But sometimes when you get too low you cant perceive things as you would usually and everything seems negative. Antidepressants combat this and allow you to deal with the problems underlying depression, and look at them from a different point of view. again they arent a miracle cure, and you will have to do alot of work yourself to recover from depression, but they can make it easier, especially when you are at your lowest.

Im sorry that things arent working out with your fiance, at the moment there is nothing that anyone can say or do to make you feel better, but lifting yourself out of depression will help you, whether it means you get back together with her or are able to let her go, well only you know the answer to that one. I hope things improve for you, go back and see your doctor they are usually the best source of help in these situations.

I know its always hard to feel positive when your depressed, but i'll say it again, i think youve made an important breakthrough, youve recognised the way you are feeling and have accepted the depression, thats the first step to beating it, you say that it has been going on for the past year so no wonder you feel confused about it, but now you know what it is you can tackle it, the best way to do that is to talk about it to someone, anyone you trust be it a counsellor, doctor, friend, or someone on here.

I hope everything works out for you, best of luck, and take care

Alice

CJL
24-09-05, 18:09
Thanks Trac67 and Alice.

After taking my tablet this morning, I did feel a bit more calm. Spaced out, but calm. Even when Speaking to my f on the phone, I was calm.
But htey seem to have worn off.
I'm now all twisted inside, and feel sick.
When we spoke again, she is still very confused, but 'thinks' that her decision would be to split. But she keeps saying words like 'I think' and 'maybe'. Perhaps i'm over-analysing it, or trying to hold on to what I love.
We are still going to relate at the moment, but I worry that perhaps its too late. Its just one big mess at the moment.
I'm really feeling bad. I never thought I would ever go through this again, but its tearing me apart that we could be throwing away 4 years of hapiness, and losing the person I love.

I'm sure this isnt helping the depression at all. I'm now questioning whether I hoped it was my past, but was perhaps my present. I'm not sure. Its so confusing.
I dont know what to do for the best.

CJL
25-09-05, 12:37
Its just all confusing again this morning.

Last night, there seemed to be hope again. But then this morning, she said that somedays she feels like shes strong enough to say it wont work, and then others shes all confused.
I feel absolutely sick still.
I never imagined this happening.
I think that our relationship broke down, and a man gave her some attention that she was wanting. Then, because she is all confused and scared, its like she just wants to up and leave.
She also says that she doesnt feel like she can get her feelings back about me. She doesnt know how. Its making me sad that I dont know whether it is a bad patch, or whether it is truely over.
Even the tablets didnt work this morning. I still managed to cry.
But now my F is getting angry when I cry. She says that she feels crammed between two rocks. But I dont know how to react, and it is really getting me down that i'm worried about showing how much I love her, especially when she says that she doesnt think she is in love with me.

trac67
25-09-05, 13:10
Hi CJL,
I think the best thing you can do is sit down with your fiancee and talk to her face to face, tell her exactly how confused you are, and ask her how she is feeling deep down, and if she really does want to sort things out between you. Maybe some time apart would do you both some good, to help you both to sort out your feelings for one another.
I hope you can both work this out.
Take care
Trac xx


its "just a thought"

CJL
25-09-05, 13:14
Hi Trac67.

I've already sat down with her, and she keeps saying she doesnt know. I think thats why i'm finding it really hard. As she doesnt know, neither do I.
We've talked so much over the last 2 weeks, but nothing seems to be sorting itself out.
I think a break would be good, but i'm worried about being on my own, and worried that she may make her mind up of it wont work.

trac67
25-09-05, 13:21
Hi CJL,
I know that it can be a really hard thing to do to have a break from a partner, but in the long run it is so much better to find out how you feel about each other when you are apart, and also isnt it better to end a relationship that isnt working out while you are still able to talk to one another, than to just carry on making each other unhappy and then to part on bad terms. Just my opinion of course lol.
Take care
Trac xx

its "just a thought"

CJL
25-09-05, 13:36
Thanks Trac67.

I'm just so scared. I'm not particularly short of funds, but i'm worried that if things dont work out, how long would it take to sell the house? What happens if we dont sell it so we dont lose any money? Will Kel stick around until its all sorted? How do we sort out loans etc?

All this **** just keeps going round in my head, and I dont know if I've got enough energy to deal with it.

trac67
25-09-05, 13:59
CJL,
I was the same as you scared to let go, I have 3 children so it made it even harder and the money worries where a big issue, but I did it, and yes financially it is a struggle, but I am a lot happier now and so are my children, so it was all worth it in the long run. Nothing is as important as your health and being happy, the finances will sort themselves out, you have to sort your health and happiness out first.
Take care
Trac xx

its "just a thought"