really need some help please

[LisaLisa]

I cant believe I have just done this to myself.

I have been worrying chronically about having HIV for sooooo long now becuase of symptoms, mostly a cyst thing in my cheek and some little lymph nodes around it which i read on the internet is somethingthat happens with hiv. I have been tested five times in the last two years, the last one when i was pregnant with my daughter last year. They have all been negative.

I have struggled to accept the results and am terrified about the thing in my cheek. I have posted before about having shown it to the doctor and her saying that it cantbe hiv related becuase of the tests so she was going to leave it until my anxiety was under control.

i was gettin a bitbetter about it all but hten today i started looking on net about the htests again to try and reassure myself byt then found a thing that said

if someone tests negative but has clinical symptoms og hiv that they should have different tests done becuase they could have a strain not picked up by the standard tests.

I feel sickined and cant atop shaking and crying

I dont know what to do about my baby and my partner. i also read that if you are diagnosd late that treatment might not work. im so frightned and jsut dont think i can carry on

can someone help me

Lisa

[nervousnikki]

hi lisa

sounds to me like you are looking for anything to tell you you haveHIV. i wnet throught this with throat cancer a few months ago. i knew i had it. i looked and looked on the net for something to tell me i was right, and finally i found something that said yes i had all the symptoms.

Instinct isn't always right and although we all know our own bodies the dr's and tests know it better. i have learnt to trust my GP. if he says its anxiety i know he is right now. stop looking and speak to a person. Learn to trust the GP. your last test was only last year i'm sure your partner would have had signs too by now!

I wish there was a pill that could take away the worry. My Mum said it would be a lot better if there actually was something physically wrong cos we can treat that, but anxiety is so hard to beat. i'm getting there and i'm sure you will too.

[wiskersonkittens]

Lisa, I am so sorry to see you are in such agony over this. There was a time when I chronically worried about having HIV. During that time, actors Anthony Perkins and Robert Reed died from AIDS and I thought, My God, if Mr. Brady could get it, I can get it!! It was awful. I did the same thing you did -- I checked and checked again. I looked in medical books (didn't have the internet back then) for reassurance only to find out I not only had HIV but a plethera of other deadly diseases. I worried myself endlessly. I couldn't eat, in pictures of the time I looked tired and worn (and unhealthy). I even remember a time at college during all this I was short of breath for over a month -- another possible symptom.

BUT . . .. .

One fine day I decided to finally go to the doctor and get checked out. I might as well throw myself to the wolves at that point. As soon as I got in his office he asked me what was going on. Right then I just cried! I sat in his office and just cried. I was in a difficult relationship at the time and I guess outwardly I didn't know how to deal with it, so my thoughts turned everything inside and gave me something else to worry about. The doctor just sat there and listened to me. I will never forget that because it is so rare. And, I tell you, once I finally realized what was bothering me, I didn't worry about HIV anymore. I had to find something I could latch on to with the hopes I could control it, because I couldn't control my boyfriend and how he was treating me. I just had to know something, needed some sort of validation even if it was deadly, than not knowing anything at all.
I don't know why you are so worried about HIV. Do you think you are in the high risk group for it? Forgive me for being presumptious, but it sounds like something else is going on here that you either aren't aware of, or you are and it is out of your control. Something is triggering this fear in you. You have been tested, be reassured. If the docs were concerned they would have put you on meds by now, especially during your pregnancy. They wouldn't have run the risk to your baby, I promise you that. I have no doubt you are just fine, now it is time to go back and figure out what has happened to cause such fear in you. What are you not facing?
If you need to cry at this point, do so. It will ease a lot of that stress and lesson your symptoms. You are going to be fine. You have done the right thing by going to your doctor. That took courage! DO NOT look up symptoms anymore! You are now officially a cyberchondriac! I was, too, until I went to the ER after researching and the nurse there told me the internet can say whatever it wants to and it usually will be the worse case scenario. So, I depend on my doctor to tell me and so far, it hasn't been as bad as I thought.
Please let me know how you are doing. I just want you to be reassured that you are fine. If you need to talk about anything, feel free to PM me anytime, ok? Hugs, Wiskers ~

[Stressed32]

Lisa...I went and read your article you read and what it said was IF you were experiencing HIV symptoms....AND A CYST IS NOT LISTED AS 1 OF THE SYMPTOMS!....AND AND AND you have had sex, shared needles, received blood etc....from someone at risk of having HIV 2.....someone from one of the AFRICAN countries listed....THEN you should have HIV 2 test done. You are NOT NOT NOT in this risk group :) Unless....have you run off to Africa and slept with someone there or shared needles and blood with them and not told me...LOL. No, so sweetie, you need to think rationally here. There has not been 1 case of HIV 2 EVER found on your side of the planet...EVER! If you were at risk, the CDC and WHO would make everyone get tested.

wilkersonkittens is right.....you are dealing with something more than just HIV fears....think of our last PM chat.....I think you have guilt of some of those things....you know you do not have HIV! Relax honey, HIV and you are not a pair.

[LisaLisa]

Thank you everyone for your support

I know that i have lots of reasons for anxiety but the cheek is just so convincing. The thing is i have read that stuff before ages ago and yesterday, even this morning it was in my mind but not bothering me and then i stupidly when looking for something to fit my anxiety feelings and certainly found it.

When I try to think rationally, it does seem crazy that i could have picked up an unusual strain not tested for in UK gum and antenatal testing. Esoecially when i think of the guy that i am worrying about and the fact that the guy who did the peircing is well known for doing tatoos too and surely he wouldnt be so nasty as to reuse needles and not clean his equipment? Am i right or am I just fooling myself that its ok? It was a saturday evening and it was in his house and i didnt see anyone leaving as we went in and i kind of hope as well that even if he has reused stuff that any blood would have dried out inbetween the person before and me killing the virus?

Am i right do you think? Also it was in april 2002 and thats seven and a half years ago, would i be ill yet or would i be as i am cos i am starting to think that my immune system and hormones are out of wack, especially cortisol

Lisa
xxx

[tiredOfOcd]

LisaLisa

Take a breath.

It is MUCH MORE LIKELY that you have an infected cyst in your cheek and the lymph nodes around it are swelling in an effort to kill the infection

or

By touching the cyst, you have stimulated the lymph nodes. Lymph nodes, when touched regularly, will swell. It is possible to finger them so much they never reduce in size.

5 negative tests in 2 years! Assuming you haven't put yourself at risk since the last test, you are probably fine.

And, before you freak out about "at risk" - the medical evidence I read says HIV is harder to contract than once thought. Only 1 in 200 needlesticks where the needle contains blood from an infected person results in an infection. Thats a 0.005% rate of infection. Do you realize how incredibly SMALL that chance is.

In addition, I think contracting HIV thru regular means (anal, oral, vaginal sex or sharing infected needles) requires numerous exposures before the virus sets up shop in the body. As far as I understand, its a quantity kind of thing, and it takes a significant quantity of the virus to overwhelm your immune system.

You might want to know why I know all this. I'm a kickboxing and wrestling coach. From time to time, someone gets cut. I used to have very sever HA about contracting HIV from this. My dr suggested I learn the actual facts about the odds of contracting HIV.

I hope this helps

[LisaLisa]

LisaLisa

Take a breath.

It is MUCH MORE LIKELY that you have an infected cyst in your cheek and the lymph nodes around it are swelling in an effort to kill the infection

or

By touching the cyst, you have stimulated the lymph nodes. Lymph nodes, when touched regularly, will swell. It is possible to finger them so much they never reduce in size.

5 negative tests in 2 years! Assuming you haven't put yourself at risk since the last test, you are probably fine.

And, before you freak out about "at risk" - the medical evidence I read says HIV is harder to contract than once thought. Only 1 in 200 needlesticks where the needle contains blood from an infected person results in an infection. Thats a 0.005% rate of infection. Do you realize how incredibly SMALL that chance is.

In addition, I think contracting HIV thru regular means (anal, oral, vaginal sex or sharing infected needles) requires numerous exposures before the virus sets up shop in the body. As far as I understand, its a quantity kind of thing, and it takes a significant quantity of the virus to overwhelm your immune system.

You might want to know why I know all this. I'm a kickboxing and wrestling coach. From time to time, someone gets cut. I used to have very sever HA about contracting HIV from this. My dr suggested I learn the actual facts about the odds of contracting HIV.

I hope this helps

Thank you tiredofocd, it is helpull. Its strange but the 'at risk' bit didnt work me up because i know i havent been at risk since 2002, but the ' probably fine' bit did of course it would! I suppose the needle stick thing is similar to the peircing needle thing, maybe even peircing needle not as bad becuase its not enclosed as much as a syringe.

I just wish that the whole thing would go away and that my cheek would just fall of or something. Gosh i just feel like cutting it off then i wont be able to worry about it anymore, given a hole in my face would be of concern also though . Dont know why im trying to be humoures to be honest

Thank you again
Lisa
xxx

[Stressed32]

Lisa, tiredofocd is so so right......you have had 5 tests and a kid...you are fine. The chances of getting it are so so small! You know you did not get HIV from getting your naval pierced. We have talked about this before. They must use clean needles....or they could go to prison for getting people sick! Lots of people have tattoos and piercings...myself included....and we are all ok. Do a poll here and ask the community if they have tattoo and or piercing and you will see. Honey, you are fine....that site freaked you out....

And...you know why your cortisol levels are wacky! Why? What makes more sense here.....high cortisol comes from STRESS not HIV. You have read that in many places....HIV only causes cortisol levels to go up because people who are told they have HIV stress out and STRESSSSSSSS causes cortisol to go up NOT HIV. Relax my dear friend....try to get yourself back down to a normal place....you are ok and you are not alone. I am here. HUGS!!

[tiredOfOcd]

Thank you tiredofocd, it is helpull. Its strange but the 'at risk' bit didnt work me up because i know i havent been at risk since 2002, but the ' probably fine' bit did of course it would!


Its the way our (OCD/anxiety sufferers) minds work. The word "probably" implies there are other possibilities and our minds are really good at seizing on the worst possibility and not letting it go.

I really thought twice about using that word, and I guess I should have used another.



I suppose the needle stick thing is similar to the peircing needle thing, maybe even peircing needle not as bad becuase its not enclosed as much as a syringe.


AFAIK, there has been NO record of HIV due to piercing. When I had my ear done, they used an earring with a sharp pointed post. It pierced my ear, was only used once (on me) and I wore it home.

This was in the dark ages of HIV knowledge, circa 1986-87.

The world has gotten much much MUCH more cautious about contact with blood.



I just wish that the whole thing would go away and that my cheek would just fall of or something. Gosh i just feel like cutting it off then i wont be able to worry about it anymore, given a hole in my face would be of concern also though .


Don't cut it out yourself. Cysts contain stuff that will damage the skin surrounding it. Then there's the chance of infection.

Ever had an infection (not acne) on your face? Don't cut it yourself.

Its best to leave them alone or have them removed by a dr. Cysts CAN dissolve on their own. I've had several disappear by themselves.

You can also try to soften the garbage inside and let your body reabsorb it by applying a hot/wet washcloth for about 15 minutes 2x a day.

Its also completely possible this will have NO EFFECT on it. With this method, I've gotten one cyst to decrease significantly, but its still present. Its had no effect on another cyst.

[Gee]

Babe, u will of been tested for HIV 2 - they do it as routine, look back at the long message u sent me a while ago about the tests and it will reassure u. My doc made me feel better yesterday he said, u either have a neg test and you don't have it ( providing it's after the window period) or u have a positive test and it's either wrong or right if it's positive. If it's neg it really is neg!!!
Honestly don't stress about weird strains you'll set me off LOL our minds can make anything possible but these are the facts!
Xxxx

[LisaLisa]

Aw guys your all soooooo lovely thank you so much for yesterday. I left work and just saw your replies this morning and am so much calmer, yesterday was horrible.
Stressed32 you are my overseas angel but you know that :hugs:

Tiredofocd thank you so much, i hope you didnt think i was complaining about the 'probably' thing, I was just sooooooo hyper aware of that word being scarey and you are so right about why that is. And thats the very thing that i need to accept to got over this so thank you for using that word because it brought me right back to rationale thinking again, thank you sweetie.

Gee again you have made me feel so much better. I like your doctor :)

Now i am much calmer i can see that what I read was actually written in 2000 which is nine years ago! The tests now are designed to pick up different strains and subtypes. and i did read that they are all genetically linked and lets face it of course they are they are all the same virus. I was on a forum for freedom health and the dr there said that the tests used by any NHS and private clinic in the uk can detect all subtypes of hiv 1 and also test for HIV2 ( which dr at GUM assured me before)

So no Gee strains not an issue you are right and as far as your partner from Ghana I guess its not fair to assume that everyone from an area has that ilness mostly because is it not true that in very underdeveloped and deprived areas of Africa is where the problem lies beucause of the people failing to protect thmeselves properly because they dont have the means and they arent educated well enough about the problem? I wasnt aware that it was spreading there due to drugs needles or anyother non sexual reasons. So in fairness the person you had a relationship with is propbably at the same level of risk as a person living here if they are not from the extremely poor and deprived areas of africa. I hope that makes sense.

Well thank you again guys

Lisa
xxxxx:hugs:

[tiredOfOcd]

Lisa

Happy to help.

And no, I didn't think you were complaining. Remember, my brain works like yours does and "probably" can be a very scarey word for me. So it wasn't a stretch for me to figure it would be for you as well.

But facing fears like that is what it takes to get control of what we've got - as opposed to it controlling us.

Go out, be well and enjoy.

[Stressed32]

I agree 100% tierdofocd! I have a book about anxiety and phobias that my Dr. gave me and it says that the first step in over coming this irational fear is facing the worst case senerio...in our cases faces what would be the worst thing that could happen if we had it.....once I faced that fear as hard as it was I was able to realize the reality of my thinking. I still think about it WAY more than I should becuase I should never think about HIV at all....but it is better for me becuase I don't think about it 24/7 and spend days convincing myself I don't have it.

Lisa, anytime....you know I am here. You have been a god send for me from day 1. Isn't it funny how you bypass all that other info...like how long ago it was written...until you are calm. Sorry I missed that when I went on to look for you...but I had tunnel vision going there...LOL. I was scared to see something that would freak me out so I went only looking for what you saw....LOL...I think I was thinking I could catch HIV just by going there.....hehehehe. Arent I silly?

On a different note....have you ladies ever heard of folic acid defency? NO IT IS NOT AN HIV thing...LOL....and Lisa...dont look it up ok cause I dont wanna know...giggle.
when I had my tubal preg. they treated me with med. that 100% depleted my folic acid. My anxiety has been terrible ever since and I just assumed it was b/c of our loss. Well, there have been studies (recent ones) that suggest that people who suffer from anxiety and depression do not break down folic acid for their bodies which is very much needed for seratonin and normal brain functions that control anxiety and depression. My cousin started this medical food called deplin which is just folic acid that does not need to be broken down and her anxiety is gone and has been for over a year! I start it today and Im pretty excited about it! It is normally used with other meds but my Dr. said used alone helps with anxiety. Have you guys ever heard of this?? I posted a new thread about this last night, but thought since you ladies were here.... :) Thanks guys!

[LisaLisa]

I agree 100% tierdofocd! I have a book about anxiety and phobias that my Dr. gave me and it says that the first step in over coming this irational fear is facing the worst case senerio...in our cases faces what would be the worst thing that could happen if we had it.....once I faced that fear as hard as it was I was able to realize the reality of my thinking. I still think about it WAY more than I should becuase I should never think about HIV at all....but it is better for me becuase I don't think about it 24/7 and spend days convincing myself I don't have it.

Lisa, anytime....you know I am here. You have been a god send for me from day 1. Isn't it funny how you bypass all that other info...like how long ago it was written...until you are calm. Sorry I missed that when I went on to look for you...but I had tunnel vision going there...LOL. I was scared to see something that would freak me out so I went only looking for what you saw....LOL...I think I was thinking I could catch HIV just by going there.....hehehehe. Arent I silly?

On a different note....have you ladies ever heard of folic acid defency? NO IT IS NOT AN HIV thing...LOL....and Lisa...dont look it up ok cause I dont wanna know...giggle.
when I had my tubal preg. they treated me with med. that 100% depleted my folic acid. My anxiety has been terrible ever since and I just assumed it was b/c of our loss. Well, there have been studies (recent ones) that suggest that people who suffer from anxiety and depression do not break down folic acid for their bodies which is very much needed for seratonin and normal brain functions that control anxiety and depression. My cousin started this medical food called deplin which is just folic acid that does not need to be broken down and her anxiety is gone and has been for over a year! I start it today and Im pretty excited about it! It is normally used with other meds but my Dr. said used alone helps with anxiety. Have you guys ever heard of this?? I posted a new thread about this last night, but thought since you ladies were here.... :) Thanks guys!

Hey stressed 32
Thankyou sooooooo much dear for going to that website yesterday. I was so wound up I didnt even consider how awfull it must have been for you. Thank you so much :hugs:

Thats sounds excellent!! I saw your post but wasnt sure and just stopped myself reaching for google ! Very dangerous past time of mine as you know.

So what exactly is Deplin? Is it a food and not a drug? Can youtak eit with antidepressants? Can you get it in UK do you think... I WANT IT NOWWWWWWWWW! ha ha But seriously I do.

Do you think taking a suplemment of folic acid would br the same?

Lisa
xxxx

[Stressed32]

Lisa, going to that site wasn't hard....but I made sure and was careful about what I clciked on so I totally had tunnel vision....I am sorry I did not see the date it was all written.

go to www.deplin.com (http://www.deplin.com)

Deplin a form of folic acid. It is not the same as taking folic acid. Go to that site and it explains it better than what I am. But basically, your body has to go through 4 stages when breaking down folic acid into methfolate (broken down folic acid that is used to control mood in your brain. This what what happens to folic acid after your body breaks it down. Your body uses this to control mood...anxiety and depression is controlled with the use of this chemical that occurs naturally in most people). This is a prescription drug...but not considered a "drug" but a med. food becuase it is just folic acid already broken down. It bypasses that 4 stage process and puts broken down folic acid directly into your blood bypassing your body ahving to break it down in that 4 step process. It is like taking 70 folic acid pills...and what you don't use you just wee out. It helps antidepressants to work better so yes, it can be taken with antidepressants...and Im not sure if you can get it there....that was my question. I know it is a "new" thing and here in the US, studies are being done with this drug and autism. My Dr. said that not making your own Methofolate causes anxiety becuase your brain does not get the chemicals needed to control it. He said this pill alone helps anxiety and combined with antidepressant, helps depression too!

[Gee]

Oh man hate to tell ya but now I'm stressed about the different strains thing :-( I had a 3rd gen test for HIV 1 and 2 is that ok!? I get the impression the only difference between that and the 4th gen test is that it can find it earlier that 3 months cos it looks for antigens too but my test was 10 months after exposure so that shouldn't matter should it!?
X

[LisaLisa]

Oh man hate to tell ya but now I'm stressed about the different strains thing :-( I had a 3rd gen test for HIV 1 and 2 is that ok!? I get the impression the only difference between that and the 4th gen test is that it can find it earlier that 3 months cos it looks for antigens too but my test was 10 months after exposure so that shouldn't matter should it!?
X

Gee

Your absolutely right. It doesnt matter at all. The test you had tests for all the strains that the 4th generation tests pick up. Where did you get your test? I also read that the third generation tests aside from the antigen issue, are actually more accurate the 4th generation, so really you are in a better position thatn me!

I just read that thing again about your friend and see now that it was their parents that were from Ghana and not even them!! ...gosh it really isnt important Gee, Ghana or whereever, you dont have it you have been tested....you are HIV NEGATIVE hun, strains are not of our concern, i am sorry to have mentioned it, it troubles me when I am being nuerotic and not rationale. I shouldnt have mentioned it, its rubbish. I promise not our concern

Lisa
xxx:hugs:

[Gee]

Its not ur fault I've thought of it lots b4 - stupid anxiety drives me mad!!!
Just got a call from the CBT people I'll b getting a initial app soon x