the8th
25-09-05, 04:03
Things I am afraid of are always changing, some of them rotate.. and I'm really fed up with this because it never goes away entirely, some of them are in the back of my head but I still do them and don't really get anxious, and some of them come out more at certain times.
The thing is I very very seldom get full blown panic attacks, but the symptoms I do get still make me avoid things..
For instance, I can and have left my house without someone there, but I get very anxious doing it and always think I will have a panic attack and faint or stop breathing or something, so I avoid doing it often even though I know I can do it and I won't faint (because I haven't fainted from an attack before).
I can leave when someone is with me with minimum to zero anxiety.
Other things like.. I've fainted after showering before so I get scared to shower incase I faint in there, and I research **** like 'why do people faint in the shower' and if it's because my blood pressure was too low I make sure to use warm to cold water, make it very quick, and make sure to eat something before I do. It gets me to shower, but it's stupid that I should be afraid of it in the first place because people do it every day and don't faint.
I also sometimes worry that there's something in my food if I eat out so I get anxious and wait like 40 minutes after I eat monitoring my body and mind.
Right now I am having difficulty eating because I think I will choke on it, and this was all spawned from choking on a drink one day and I couldn't breathe for a minute. But I've choked tons of times on water after that and it didn't affect me that much, so I just wonder why it is that one fear gets out of proportion at times. I am underweight as it is and I know that eating less will only make me lose more weight and I already feel weak and ill most of the time so I don'twant to lose any more weight.
Sometimes I worry about losing control and hurting someone. But I try to ignore those thoughts and not get freaked out because I know I won't.
I'm just getting to the point where it seems like anxiety is taking over every part of my life and I am tired of having it be a part of me like this. I get depressed and want to die and yet when I'm panicking it's like I'm scared OF dying and don't want to die, and it's all very contradictory. Although I know the part that scares me most is the process of dying and not being dead, it's still a weird contradiction.
I worry sometimes of being around marijuana smoke because it might get me high and trigger a big anxiety attack.. which prevents me from hanging out with some of my old friends who are chronic pot smokers.
I never see some of my other friends because I just worry about making a fool of myself in front of them or panicking and not knowing what to do.
And I'm depressed because I feel like I'm living 1/4th a life.
Because I want more and I can't make myself get up and do it.
I wonder if I am lazy and that's why I don't try hard enough.
I wonder how I will ever get up on my own two feet and deal with life the way everyone else does.
I'm so so so so tired of this bulls***.
The thing is I very very seldom get full blown panic attacks, but the symptoms I do get still make me avoid things..
For instance, I can and have left my house without someone there, but I get very anxious doing it and always think I will have a panic attack and faint or stop breathing or something, so I avoid doing it often even though I know I can do it and I won't faint (because I haven't fainted from an attack before).
I can leave when someone is with me with minimum to zero anxiety.
Other things like.. I've fainted after showering before so I get scared to shower incase I faint in there, and I research **** like 'why do people faint in the shower' and if it's because my blood pressure was too low I make sure to use warm to cold water, make it very quick, and make sure to eat something before I do. It gets me to shower, but it's stupid that I should be afraid of it in the first place because people do it every day and don't faint.
I also sometimes worry that there's something in my food if I eat out so I get anxious and wait like 40 minutes after I eat monitoring my body and mind.
Right now I am having difficulty eating because I think I will choke on it, and this was all spawned from choking on a drink one day and I couldn't breathe for a minute. But I've choked tons of times on water after that and it didn't affect me that much, so I just wonder why it is that one fear gets out of proportion at times. I am underweight as it is and I know that eating less will only make me lose more weight and I already feel weak and ill most of the time so I don'twant to lose any more weight.
Sometimes I worry about losing control and hurting someone. But I try to ignore those thoughts and not get freaked out because I know I won't.
I'm just getting to the point where it seems like anxiety is taking over every part of my life and I am tired of having it be a part of me like this. I get depressed and want to die and yet when I'm panicking it's like I'm scared OF dying and don't want to die, and it's all very contradictory. Although I know the part that scares me most is the process of dying and not being dead, it's still a weird contradiction.
I worry sometimes of being around marijuana smoke because it might get me high and trigger a big anxiety attack.. which prevents me from hanging out with some of my old friends who are chronic pot smokers.
I never see some of my other friends because I just worry about making a fool of myself in front of them or panicking and not knowing what to do.
And I'm depressed because I feel like I'm living 1/4th a life.
Because I want more and I can't make myself get up and do it.
I wonder if I am lazy and that's why I don't try hard enough.
I wonder how I will ever get up on my own two feet and deal with life the way everyone else does.
I'm so so so so tired of this bulls***.