View Full Version : Anorexia
Anyone who has been reading any of my threads probably knows that I am struggling with anorexia. A couple of weeks ago I started making a real effort to try to eat a bit better, but like with everything, my efforts didn't last very long and I have let things slide again. These past few days particularly the situation has got worse.
Not only did I lie to my doctor because she made me promise to start eating some cooked meals before she would give me another prescription for sleeping pills - making a deal she called it, I also managed to deceive her about my weight. I'm not proud of myself but I'm just scared what will happen if she thought I had lost any more weight. The threat of being sectioned is hanging over me.
This is really hard to admit openly on here and only a couple of other people know, but I've been abusing laxatives this week because every time I eat I feel so dreadful and feel the need to get rid of the food. I keep thinking about making myself self but I haven't managed to do it.
Another hard confession to make is that I was also taking slimming pills a few weeks ago but K and someone else finally managed to convince me to flush them away.
I am just so scared of losing control. I keep getting cravings which I've been told is my body crying out for energy and this morning I binged, which caused me another crisis and further laxative abuse. Now I'm not only feeling distressed and really low, I also feel physically ill too but I know this is my own fault.
This is the first time I have openly admitted what I've been doing but maybe I need to in order to face up to it and find a way to go forward again. At the moment I just feel really alone and want to be with K. I just want her to look after me and knowing it isn't going to happen makes me feel so distraught, even if I am causing myself to feel this way.
I don't know what else to say really, except no one could hate me more than I hate myself right now and I know I don't deserve all the help and support I'm getting because my behaviour is totally self-destructive.
Sorry. I just felt I needed to put the record straight. I don't mean to deceive anyone and I felt those who are supporting me deserve to know the truth. I am not doing well and have been getting worse. The anorexic delusions are really hard to resist or ignore, and maybe I have been trying to avoid taking responsibility. Anorexia is such a horrible illness and has turned me into someone I really don't like at all.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
eeyorelover
25-09-05, 17:09
Hi Karen -
I'm sorry to hear that you have been having a hard time. You are wrong about one thing - You deserve support and that is what we are all here for, to lend an ear and a shoulder to lean on when it's needed(even if it's a cyber shoulder:)
I think that control is an issue for a lot of us here. You are definitely not alone !!! If you ever need someone to just listen - please don't hesitate to call on me !!!
you are right anorexia is a horrible illness but I know that you can and will make it through. Admitting what you just have is a giant step forward.
your friend,
Sandy
(eeyorelover)
If the world didn't suck... we'd all fall off :)
Well, we all like you - very much, and can easily see past any of your anorexia thoughts to the real you.
What you are trying to deal with is not easy as are none of the issues we all deal with either.
The main worry with you though is that if you don't put on or maintain you could be physically ill and obviously we don't want that to happen. You need to keep on plodding on with the food (you were doing well with this) and try not to take the laxatives as this is undoing the good work.
I've just asked you a load of questions actually on the other thread that would have been much more relevant on this one. If you feel like answering them you can answer them here but totally understand if you feel its too intrusive.
Love Pig xxxxx
Thank you very much for the replies. You are all really kind and I still feel terrible that I believe I have been misleading everyone - well it is deception really.
Sandy: Thank you so much for the offer and a cyber shoulder to cry on is very much appreciated. I feel like I could break down and cry, but as usual I can't let go and keep it all buried inside.
Piglet: I've already answered your questions on my other thread but it would've been more appropriate to answer them here.
I realise people are worried about my health and I know K is particularly concerned at the moment. It is so hard when most of the time I am in denial and can't see that there is anything wrong. I suppose I am kidding myself but the anorexia wants me to continue with these behaviours and losing more weight, so it doesn't want me to acknowledge that I am ill.
Nigel: Thanks for your reply. I hope admitting what I have been doing might be another fresh start. I keep trying to start pushing forward and take tentative steps towards recovery but I am not able to keep it up or make consistent progress.
K helps me enormously and I know I would have given up completely by now if it weren't for her, but at the same time I just keep wanting and hoping that she will come and rescue me, even though deep down I know she can't. All the time I am still hoping and praying for this I don't see how I will get any better.
I am so tired now and really want to sleep but I feel so terrible that I can't and it is all my own fault.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I'm new to the forum, but i would repeat all the words said. It is a brave thing. I myself am having trouble with eating at the moment, but i'm taking some little steps.
Try taking some multi-vitamins to avoid any deficiencies, and try having things like sugar in your tea (sorry if you already do that). At least then your body will have some energy.
Hi Karen.
I have been reading your threads and I must say I wish I had half your strength to face these issues and help others at the same time, which I notice you do quite frequently around this forum. Determination and strength take on lots of different forms and sometimes it is not always apparent when looking inwardly on ourselves. You definetly have these qualities, even though our minds can be full of doubt, that may seem real but only a premonition to mask out the real truth. I hope that this gets better for you and you feel more positiv very soon.
I hope you don't think this is an intrusion. I'm a complete stranger but I felt I needed to lend my support.
Tulip.
Hi CJL
Thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear you are also having problems eating at the moment.
I do already take multivitamins. I also do eat most days, but couldn't have sugar and haven't even been drinking tea because I don't allow myself milk.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Tulip
Of course I don't think it is an intrusion and I appreciate all support.
You are right that I don't see myself as having any strength and feel that I am leaning on others all the time and waiting for someone to come along and make all these problems go away for me. I don't feel I have enough strength to get through this on my own.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
That was a very brave post...so now i know the truth - and i don't hate you xxxxxxxxxxxxhugs....
Karen,
Have you ever been to an inpatient facility for treatment? I haven't read all of your posts, so excuse me for being somewhat ignorant. I don't really know a lot about your condition, but from what I've seen, these inpatient places really help.
Take care of yourself, please.
Hi Karen,
no-one thinks any less of you, as you can see we just think you are brave for admitting it. This is always the first step.
You said you don't have the strength through this on your own, you don't have to. BUT - you have that strength in you somewhere.
Don't beat yourself up about this, try thinking now what you are going to do next. You have made a good start by getting rid of the slimming pills, how about the laxatives as well?
I think we all want someone to come and take our problems away... if only! You keep plodding on with it, you will make progress. And we are with every step of the way.
Take care
Tam x
Dear Karen
What a brave, brave post. My heart really goes out to you.
I am fairly new here, but as others have said, your posts of support are all around this site and now knowing how you have been suffering, I admire you for being so open.
We all have different problems, to varying degrees, but what is most important is we are all here to lend support to each other!
Keep talking - we are here to help.
Thinking of you and please do try to eat a little.
Take great care of yourself.
Elaine
Having the courage to write this post proves that you have the courage to fight the anorexia :D
"If life were simple, word would have got around"
I think Sarah just said it...
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
It took courage and honesty to admit that Karen, Well done, I hope it's the start of you moving forward again. From the little I know of anorexia it is normal for people with it to lie about things like that to make it look like they have gained weight. It is part of the illness but won't help you get better. It makes me sad not cross to read your post, because I so want you to get well. I really wish there was some help out there for you that you could accept.
Anyway what's done is done, try and get back to where you were with your eating and move forward again without the laxatives and pills. You can do it Karen. Take care, good luck. Still thinking of you.
Lisa
Hi Karen
My lack of confidance stops me from posting on the forums, but I keep trying.
I have been on the forums for over a year now and I always read your threads.
You are a kind and caring person Karen, You had the courage to post this thread and I admire you for that.
Just want to say that my heart and my thoughts are always with you.
Thinking of you always
LOVE JILLXXX
Hi Karen Just to say as usual, Im thinking of you, I think you are a very kind, caring and brave person, I dont reply to your posts often because I dont know what to say, but Im thinking of you, Love Alexis,xx
Alexis
I just want to say a huge thank you to all those who have replied to my post. Carlin, Sickofit, Tam, Elaine, Sarah, Ray, Lisa, Jill and Alexis. You are all really special people and I thank you so much for your continued support. I really don't know what I would do without the fantastic support from you all.
Writing this post was very hard for me to do because I feel so ashamed of everything I have been doing. I know it is part of the anorexia and this is an illness but it still makes me feel absolutely terrible.
I don't want to be this person that no one can trust because I've been hiding things or lying about food and weight and all these other things. Any yet I know I have been acting this way. Every time I try to improve my diet and eat a bit better I just panic and feel like I am losing control again. I just don't know that I have got the strength to fight the anorexia. It has taken over my whole life and my behaviour relating to this continues to deteriorate and I indulge in things which could possibily damage my health.
Sickofit: No I haven't been treated as an inpatient at hospital. This is the only treatment I have been offered by the NHS but there a numerous reasons why I can't go there. I am petrified by the idea of ending up there and would do anything to avoid it. This is another reason why I am finding it so hard to be completely honest with my doctor. I can't let her know I am worse in case she wants to send me there.
I guess this is part of the problem really. I have received no specialist professional help and there does not seem to be any out there. Hospital admission is my only choice for NHS help and this is the one thing I cannot do. So I am trying to somehow manage with the support of K and other close support I am getting, as well as from friends here and on another forum. I am only seeing Jill, my private therapist, very occasionally now because she doesn't believe she is helping and is frustrated at the NHS system and the way I've not been given an local support.
Although I haven't completely given up, sometimes it is just so hard and I think this is perhaps one battle I can't win. It seems I have been fighting depression, anxiety, social phobia and had issues with obsessive attachment nearly my whole life, but none of these were life threatening, apart from the times in my life I have been suicidal. But the anorexia does affect me health, even though I don't like admitting it and I try to ignore the physical problems it is causing. I often think maybe this is it this time and this is one thing too much and one battle to hard to win.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I often think maybe this is it this time and this is one thing too much and one battle to hard to win.
Hi Karen,
It's okay to not feel like fighting on some days. On those days, remember that your friends here are fighting with you and we are carrying you through the battle. And remember to take little steps. One little step at a time makes a huge difference over time.
Thinking of you,
Andrea
"Honey, if ya ain't feelin' the bumps in the road, ya ain't goin' nowhere!" (A wise Georgia Granny's take on living life to the fullest! LOL!)
hi karen,
its really good to read that you are still maintaining your efforts in beating your anorexia. and if your eating, your winning - no matter what twists in perspective your thoughts might take.
keeping it real might have touched your own shame, but from the outside looking in its just another major positive step forward youve taken to win this fight - hopefully youve chucked the laxitives.
wishing you some support .. tc andrew
Andrew: Thank you for your message. I'm glad it looks like progress from the outside because inside I feel like I'm losing. I do feel terribly ashamed and maybe part of the problem is that I believe I am such a terrible person that I don't even deserve to survive this.
Andrea: Thanks for your reply. I feel I am leaning on people rather a lot at present because I just feel too tired to fight.
Part of me just feels like giving up and letting the anorexia win but at the same time K reminds me how much I have come through already in the years I've been battling depression and all the other issues. I have lost hope of getting better for myself and I'm only here still trying for her.
Even the little steps feel like gigantic steps at present.
I just had to go outside for something and I got collared by my neighbour. She was asking about who is buying my house etc but then she asked what's wrong with me and said I look really ill. It probably doesn't help that I am so tired, even after getting a few hours sleep last night.
She kept asking me what is wrong with me but I didn't want to talk about it, let alone with someone I barely know. But then she asked me if I have cancer. I do not look that ill but now on top of everything else I feel so guilty and ashamed that I am doing this to myself and people like my neighbour think I have cancer or something.
I said no it's nothing like that and quickly made an excuse to flee back indoors. I just feel like I need to avoid everyone now.
I'm still feeling so very low today and can't do anything. I just feel like staying in bed all day, only getting up to check for a message from K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen, :)
Well done for posting this hun. You are braver and stronger than you think. You can beat this I'm sure. Just take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself.[8)]
At times I get very distressed with my weight and count calories everyday! [Sigh...]
I struggle to lose weight and get bloated everyday. No matter how hard i try it can be a constant battle. I know how easy it is to become so obsessive about it. I have been there and still get like it at times.
I have realised now that obsession gets you no where just causes pain and heartache.
I try to be more chilled about it now and not worry as much.
I tell myself now i'm not on a diet I just eat healthly and exersise where possible. I also don't believe in deprevation I think moderation is definately the key!
Maybe when you eat can you try telling yourself you are giving yourself STRENGTH instead of looking at it as calories. STRENGTH to fight the anxiety STRENGTH to fight the Depression and most of all STRENGTH to fight the anorexia and build a whole new life a STRONGER Karen.[Yes!]
Good Luck,
Here if you need me.;)
Take Care,
Love and a Big HUG,
PIP'S X X X X
Hi Pips
Thank you so much for replying. The anorexia started following a weight loss diet that went a bit too far and I think you have a really sensible attitude towards thinking about healthy eating rather than dieting.
Unfortunately, I found that being able to control what I eat or don't eat, and the boost to the way I feel from losing weight, became ways of coping with the emotional distress I am experiencing from other issues.
Now the mere thought of changing what I eat or eating more causes me to feel like I am losing control of the one area of my life that I feel I can control. I also feel like I fail when I eat and gaining any weight, or 'getting healthier' equates to the same thing to me - and that is failure and getting fatter.
K talks about the language used and avoiding talking about food and weight, but even talking about health and nutrition still produces the same terror to me because I know this really means eating and gaining weight.
The anorexia has such a strong hold over me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning mate,
Gosh I can't believe your neighbour (well actually I can from personal experience) how incredibly tactless and insensitive to say such a thing.
I've never understood why people (I don't include people who genuinely love and care about us) say to someone you look ill. If you feel ill, how does it help and if you don't, well they've just made you feel like crap.:(
Have a rest and some sleep hun and then see how you feel.
If I were there I would tuck you up on the sofa with a nice hot drink. That's the motherly bit in me - always trying to do it to the kids, annoying for them really if they are on the way out to a party!!!!
This is a blip at the moment and like all blips are much nicer viewed from further down the road.
Chat later:)
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen
I'm sorry I haven't replied to your posts recently, but I have been following your progress.
You are so brave in posting this latest thread and I am sure that now you are talking openly about it all it will help to aid your recovery. We are all here for you as you are here for everyone else with all your wonderful support and kind words for everyone.
Take care
Elaine x
Hi Karen
Hope this post finds you a little more rested.
As piglet says, this is just a temporary blip and you will get through it.
Looking at one of your posts, you can and you will win this battle.
We are all here to support you in any way we can, just small steps one at a time and we will hold your hand through each one.
Have you managed to eat or drink anything today?
Thinking of you
Elaine
Thank you all for replying.
Piglet: My neighbour did make me feel worse because I already feel bad enough knowing that if I am ill, it is all self inflicted. I feel so guilty and ashamed. I think she was just trying to be kind but I find it virtually impossible to talk about this issue with anyone, and even worse with someone I hardly know.
Thanks for trying to mother me from afar! I guess it is part of what I need right now but my Mum definitely isn't interested and I can't count on anyone in my family. I keep fantasising about being with K and imagining her tucking me up and looking after me. I imagine her giving me a hug and helping some of this pain go away.
Elaine (Lainey): Thanks for your support. Don't worry about not posting to me lately. You look after yourself and get yourself through this rough patch.
Elaine (Elaine1): Thank you for replying again. I'm going back to bed in a minute and am going to try to sleep. I've had a little to eat today. I always drink plenty of water.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Just sending you my daily HUG. Please try to eat a little today, I know it is hard but you will be able to do it bit by bit.
Take care
Trac xx
its "just a thought"
Thanks for the hug Trac!
I have eaten a little, but am feeling exhausted again now and am going to try to get some sleep, even though I know it isn't good to be sleeping in the middle of the day.
I can't cope with waiting around to see if K writes either.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Have a good nap, nothing wrong with a daily siesta, I'm all for it.
Take care
Elaine x
Hi Karen,
I can well understand how you must be feeling after the encounter with your neighbour.
I'm sure she meant well, but didn't have the skills of diplomacy and it all backfired.
Forget about your neighbour and remember that all of us here are your friends. I know its not the same to you, but we are around when K is not. I'm sure some of the ladies on this site would love to play 'mum'!
I loved Pips' post about eating to strengthen yourself in all those ways. You are strong person eating very little. I can't imagine how awesome you'd be with more food down you!
Hoping that your next post will be a good positive one.
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Ray
Thanks for your reply.
Yes I know my neighbour didn't mean any harm. She's the one who likes to know what it going on with everyone and I don't fancy having my problems discussed with all and sundry around the close.
I do appreciate my friends here and the support does help. I am sorry if it looks like I don't because of the way I need K. It is just that this is a completely different relationship and she is in the unfortunate position of being the one I have come to need as a surrogate mum, even though this isn't the role she wants. I just really need her and can't live without her.
I'm afraid this post is not more positive. I didn't sleep much and kept tossing and turning and I've still not heard from K today. I am extremely worried she is going to reject my last message for being too negative, although I don't think I stepped over the line into the 'banned' territory.
Struggling again tonight and still feel completely exhausted.
Elaine: Thanks for your reply. I didn't sleep much and just dreamt of K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Am panicking again now. K is trying to persuade me to admit myself to hospital and the way she has worded her message it makes me feel like I'm saying I don't trust her if I don't do it.
I'm too scared and can't go to hospital. I don't want to be cut off from K. I can't and don't want to live without her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
aaww Karen, K just wants you to get better, and by trying to get you to go to hospital, she knows that you would get the help you need, she just cares about you hun, like we all do.
Love
Trac xx
its "just a thought"
Sue K with 5
26-09-05, 23:55
Hi Karen
Well done for being so open and honest, I am sure these last few days have been pretty exhausting for you and especially in terms of being so honest and upfront, that in itself can bring a huge relief to you.
I Had a sister with Anorexia, I watched her go through some major major transitions and changes in her life. She eventually changed when she had her first child, but I think because it was a sudden realisation that she had discovered something so important to her she knew she had to get better and fight the demon inside her. Sh won her battle and one day so will you.
Hosiptals are daunting and I know that being without the contact from K is scary, but maybe this is an opportunity for you to do some self discovery, a lot of things are happening for you at the moment with a potential move and other worries, this might be the perfect time for som rest and to give your body a chance to do some healing !
I dont know the answers honey I wish I did, trust me I would cure you before myself, but I do know when it is time to take a break and I think you need one !
Please take care
Love and kisses
Sue with 5
scknight
Hi Sue
Thanks for your reply.
I am so glad your sister found what she needed to help her break free from anorexia. I think this is part of my problem. I cannot find anything worthwhile in my life or any hope for the future. I can only think of one reason to want to get better and that is based on dreams and fantasies that will never come true.
For the first time tonight I feel like K is telling me she cannot help me with this anymore and I should go into hospital. I feel so totally distraught because I can't do what she is asking and I am letting her down. I am just too scared to go there and I cannot cope with being cut off from her.
Thoughts of going to hospital just make me feel like I am having any remaining control I still have over my life taken away from me. I don't trust NHS mental health services, and even less so after my recent experiences with them. The only way I would ever consider going to an eating disorder unit is if I could afford a private one. But I can't and so that's the end of that really. It is the only way I believe I would be able to retain some control and have a say in what happens to me, as well as being able to keep in contact with K.
I am exhausted and I do need a break from all of this, but there is no way this is going to happen. I am desperate to be with K and all I can think about is her looking after me, but I know it is unreasonable of me to even want this and it won't happen.
Don't know what to do or how to cope anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
You say that you cant find anything worthwhile in your life or any hope for the future. You do have something worthwhile, the most important thing ever, and that is YOU.
We all have our dreams and fantasies in life, sometimes its these that keep us going, so they can't be a bad thing can they.
Karen, people care so much about you, even those of us who have never met you, and we just want to see you on the road to recovery.
A big HUG for today,
Take care
Trac xx
its "just a thought"
Morning Karen,
Its nearly 9am - how are you feeling NOW???
Will be back in a bit.
Big hug
Love Piglet xxxx
Hi Karen
Just wanted to say hi to you this morning.
As Trac67 said:
''You say that you cant find anything worthwhile in your life or any hope for the future. You do have something worthwhile, the most important thing ever, and that is YOU. '
She is spot on. We all care for you and want to help and support you!
YOU ARE WORTHWHILE AND IMPORTANT - please, please believe this.
Thinking of you
Take Care
Elaine
Hi Karen,
You are definately the future!!!!!!
Hope you are feeling ok.
Stay STRONG!!!! We all care about you hun!
Take Care,
Love & Hugs,
PIP'S X X
Thank you Pips, Trac, Piglet and Elaine. I really don't know why people continue supporting me when I'm not getting anywhere and feel so close to the verge of giving up.
The problem with my dreams and fantasies are that they all involve K and the kind of contact and relationship with her I can never have. My dreams are unrealistic and part of me knows that, but I can't let go or find a way to live with it either.
I am really sorry that I am causing you all to worry so much. I really don't mean to but I'm just stuck in this truly awful place and don't know how to escape from the hole I've dug for myself. I'm the one who went down this anorexia route and for a while it made me feel so good that I just got in deeper and deeper, until now I am not sure I can come back from it.
The last few days have been particularly bad because I am aware of how much this is affecting others and I can even sense K's desperation for me to do something - ie ask to be admitted to hospital - but I can't do this, not even for her.
Everything feels like it is out of control. I am eating, but back to my safe foods again now, particularly after the weekend. I know I gained some weight after that binge and I expect most people would think this is good and want me to maintain this, but I just feel like my eating will get out of control. I think I will gain loads of weight and just end up hating myself even more.
I already feel fat and am struggling with the thoughts of wanting and needing to lose this weight again.
It is impossible for me to even like myself with the way I am now. All I do is cause hurt to people.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
I really don't know what to say, other than argue with you that all you do is hurt people. I think you are one of the most supportive people on this site. Whenever I am down, and post a message you always reply telling me it will be ok. You take the time out to help others and that is the complete opposite to hurting people.
There are many people here that like you a great deal, and we can't all be wrong can we?
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
Thanks for replying Tracy.
I know this low self-esteem and self-hatred I feel for myself is one issue behind most of my problems. I read what you and others here write about me and it is like you are all talking about a completely different person.
I feel like the bad stuff I do completely outweighs any good and that overall I am just bad and worthless. The many years of being told I am the worst person on the planet and should never have been born has taken its toll I guess. I believe I deserve all to inflict all these completely self-destructive behaviours on myself and that I deserve the punishment for all the bad things I do.
I have had many conversations about allowing myself to believe that other people may be right and at least considering the possibility, but I just don't seem able to believe any of it. I even feel bad for not being able to consider other people might be right and for contradicting anyone who says anything nice about me.
Don't know how to change any of this.
I do thank you for your kindness in replying and I know it is difficult to know what to say to me. I'm not sure anyone really believes I can recover from this now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
**I do thank you for your kindness in replying and I know it is difficult to know what to say to me. I'm not sure anyone really believes I can recover from this now.**
I believe that everyone has the option to recover. I especially think that you can and will recover. From reading all your other threads, I really believe you are such a strong person, and i honestly believe you have the strength to recover.
I understand that it is hard to believe this though, and i like others are always here to remind and support you.
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
I am really struggling tonight. I have been eating regularly but I cannot cope with the way it makes me feel. I need to get rid of the food. I don't want to eat at all really. I just can't handle it.
I don't want to gain weight and I know I will if I keep eating. I don't want to let K down by using laxatives again or getting more diet pills but I just can't handle this. I don't want to feel like this. I want to lose the weight I know I have gained.
I know I am never going to feel happy or even ok with gaining weight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
27-09-05, 22:10
Karen
I have been reading your posts but not replying much but that doesn't mean I don't care as I know you know.
You have done so well to admit that you are doing laxatives etc and now I don't think there is much that we don't know about you and all we want to do is help but we find it so hard to know how to do that.
We all just want to wrap you up and hug you and make all the hurt and pain go away yet we don't know how to.
All we can do is be there for you and support you and reply to your posts on here and try to give you support and encouragement and let you know that we care.
I know it so hard for you mate and you know that I have got to know you quite well (all that bag holding at Alton Towers) and I regard you as a good friend that I care about and worry about.
Please try to see some hope in your life and someway of improving it and getting back on track. I know that is never going to be easy but we are all here to help and no-one has ever forgotten you.
Big hug and just remember that all of us here care about you and value your support towards us as well.
xxx
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Aww Nic, your reply means so very much, particularly when I know you are having a rough few weeks too.
I know you care and are thinking about me, and you don't have to worry about replying to my posts all the time.
I too think of you as a very dear friend and I truly value your friendship. I also know there are a lot of people here supporting me and it is difficult to know how to help. It is a comfort to know that you all are reading my posts and to receive any replies of support does help me to realise I am not completely alone.
When I posted this topic I did worry that I might be judged or that some people might think I have been deceiving everyone by not admitting this behaviour before now, but I have been overwhelmed by the responses I have received. You are right that I don't think there is much about me that you all don't know about now.
I am trying to find something to hold on to and I keep trying to fight this every day. It is just really hard. I also know I am making it harder for myself because I am refusing to accept treatment by going into an eating disorder unit. I just cannot handle being separated from K, and I would feel more isolated because I wouldn't be able to come on here or my other forum. It is difficult to know what to do next.
Thank you so much for your support Nic.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sarah-Jane
27-09-05, 22:51
Just wanted to say im thinking of you and am so proud of you for having the courage to tell us all your innermost feelings.
Love & Hugs xxxxxxx
Love & Hugs from Sarah-Jane xxxx
Thank you Sarah-Jane.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I am panicking now. I have eaten far too much again today and feel like I am losing control. I can't do this. I've been up all night even though I meant to try to get back to normal sleeping.
So tomorrow I am going to fast all day. I have decided I can't trust myself with any food now and so I will have to eat nothing instead. It is the only way to get back in control. I am so disgustingly fat now and I have to lose this weight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
How are you today?
Please don't fast today, as Nigel says "everything in moderation". Perhaps you should write down the quote he has posted that you wrote yourself to help you focus throughout the day.
Take care chuck
Elaine x
Morning Karen,
I agree with Nigel too.
Make moderation your key word and it may keep you out of hospital.
Please give it a go - we are all rooting for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
Love Piglet xxx
Morning Karen,
Please do like Nigel has suggested, we all care about you a lot here, and really do want to see you win this battle, you can do it with our support, we are going to make sure you do.
BIG HUG for today
Take care
Trac xx
its "just a thought"
Good morning Karen,
I too am at a loss as to what to say for the best except to just offer my support and love and Karen we are and always will be here for you.
Take care and (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))
Sax xxx[8D]
Karen,
I'm with Nigel on this one and the subsequent posts - please try moderation and copy out that post and stick it somewhere. Re read what he has posted
We are all here rooting for you - you can do this!
Big hug to you.
Elaine :D:D:D
You get such strong urges to binge because you are totally running on fumes and your body is desparate for some/any nutrition and energy.
Try to really work with your body and its most basic instinctive need rather than battling every inch of the way against it which results in binges and fasts neither of which are any good for you at all.
There may be other basic needs that are not being met in your life currently Karen, but you are denying yourself one of the most crucial ones.
Get this one back working and the rest have at least an opportunity and environment condusive to lasting improvement.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Thank you all for your replies. I know you are all supporting me and willing me to start taking steps to recover from this anorexia. I just seem to be getting further sucked into self-destructive behaviours.
I am feeling so much worse about myself and I don't know what is happening to me. All the time I was restricting it made me feel better about myself and in control. I knew where I was and I felt ok about eating my 'safe' daily foods.
For this past week though it all seems to be getting out of control and I don't feel like I can control myself anymore, which just makes me feel absolutely terrible and like this is another thing I am failing at.
Nigel: I know the key is moderation but right now I can't seem to do moderation. Once I start eating I get the urge to binge and not stop. This makes me hate myself and feel like I am so terrible revolting and disgusting, and that I am going to get really fat, even fatter than I am now. So I feel the need to stop it before it goes any further. I want to lose the couple of pounds I have gained and get back to where I was a couple of weeks ago.
Thank you Lainey, Elaine1, Sax, Trac and Piglet for your messages of support too. I really appreciate the fact that you are still here for me, encouraging me to keep trying, even though I am not getting anywhere.
Meg:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You get such strong urges to binge because you are totally running on fumes and your body is desparate for some/any nutrition and energy.
Try to really work with your body and its most basic instinctive need rather than battling every inch of the way against it which results in binges and fasts neither of which are any good for you at all.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 28 September 2005 : 14:29:46</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I just can't handle this new part of my eating disorder which makes me keep wanting to binge. I do understand what you are saying about my body being desperate for some nutrition, but why has this started now after so many months of being in complete control and being able to restrict? Why am I suddenly getting these urges to binge? This is making me feel so much worse and more desperate to stop eating.
It seems the only way to stop the thoughts about binge eating and to stop myself bingeing is to not eat at all. I am fine until I eat something and then my body doesn't want me to stop. All the time I have the anorexia screaming at me that I am fat and it is disgusting to eat so much, and I know it is true. I don't want to binge. This is making me feel so very low and desperate to do anything to stop it happening.
How can I work with my body when it is making me have all these food cravings and when I give in and eat, it goes out of control? How can I get back to eating in moderation again?
If I can't do this I can't see any other way to control it than to fast completely. I didn't get up until lunchtime but I haven't eaten yet and really don't want to eat because I know where it leads. I know I can fast and control the hunger because I have done it for months and I feel right now that I need to get back to that. I am drinking plenty of water (because that helps with hunger anyway) but I can't allow myself to eat anything.
I know things are getting worse and I am getting more distressed. How can I get back to trying to eat little and often again, rather than being in the fasting/binge cycle?
I really need some help with this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
You are asking for help from us and we really really really really want to be able to do that, we just don't know how - we are your mates but we are not professionals in this field.
Would you even consider telling the doctor this - you know by now hopefully that we wouldn't desert you, we would find a way to keep in contact wherever you were, so if it's that thats scaring you, don't let it.
Please consider the daytime attendance route - you have nothing to lose by at least trying - there has got to be a better way than this.
Your mate
Piglet xxxx
Hi Piglet
Sorry if I am causing you and others to worry more about me. The support you are all giving me has been fantastic and I realise no one here is an expert in eating disorders.
I am too scared to see my doctor and admit what is going on because I have already been told that any deterioration in my condition would lead to me being sectioned.
There are so many reasons why I am petrified of being in hospital, and particularly of being sectioned, and loss of contact with K is a main one. I also do not want to lose touch with my other friends here and on my other forum and, yes, I do know no one is going to abandon me. I just know I wouldn't be able to have access to the Internet, probably not at all, and definitely not to the extent I do now.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Please consider the daytime attendance route - you have nothing to lose by at least trying - there has got to be a better way than this.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 28 September 2005 : 17:20:46</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It isn't that I have refused to try the day hospital, it is the day hospital who have twice turned down the referral. They said I didn't meet their criteria. The CMHT social worker I saw told me they had said I wasn't a crisis case, but also this was a general psychiatric day unit and not a specialist eating disorders unit, so I wonder if that had anything to do with it.
The problem is I don't have any choice open to me for professional help other than agreeing to voluntary admission to an eating disorder unit, or being sectioned. I can't cope with either of these options and just wish there was another way.
This is why it all looks so hopeless to me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi again hun,
Have you asked your doctor (no need to tell her all if you don't want to) what options are there that would involve you not having to be admitted full time?
There has just got to be something between being sectioned and no help at all.:(
Is there no help that could come to you at home available.
You've recognised that your anorexic thought pattern is a faulty thinking pattern and that you do need some help with this, which is brilliant, could you just be brave enough to take that one step further and accept some help with it???????????
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
I don't really know what to say, I worry about you too. I just wish you could get some sort of help, I wish I could help but I don't know how.
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Piglet
I have already been down all the avenues of trying to get NHS help. My doctor has already told me that she doesn't know what else she can do.
The responsibility for assessing me and making recommendations for treated was in the hands of the psychiatrist. She recommended I agreed to be admitted to hospital, which I didn't want. She discharged me back to my doctor to monitor my health and weight.
The CMHT said they didn't think there was any need for their involvement and wrote to my doctor backing up what the psychiatrist had said about monitoring my weight and BMI and invoking a mental health assessment if my situation deteriorates - which would mean being sectioned.
The psychiatrist did refer me to the psychologist, which I what I wanted initially, so I could get some therapy, but the psychologist refused to take me on.
There really are no alternatives and no help available to me, which I know K finds really frustrating because she has really done her best to try to get me some extra help. It is the system and the fact that there are no specialist eating disorder services in this area.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Well that just stinks!!!!!!
Then you really are down to eating to maintain or being sectioned (so sorry that sounds very blunt and rude too - but I don't know how else to put it).
Right - how can we help then, would you like us to shut up about food altogether and distract you with other stuff to take your mind off it???? We could do book reviews or discuss our favourite films. We could invent a new game to play on here just for you (although we would like it too of course).
Or
Would you prefer to talk about the issues around it to see if the likes of Nigel and Mico can help (they are both fab at that sort of thing).
Let us know and does anyone else have some thoughts on stuff we could do to help Karen through this difficult blip. Input needed guys- member struggling alert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Piglet :)
I may or may not get back on tonight as the kids have homework to do but I will try and check in tomorrow.
I really wish I had a good idea but I too am struggling with ideas, but I will happily support any brainwaves anyone else may have!!
Book reviews sounds good though!! (bein a book worm!?)
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
Hi Karen
I have read all of today's posts.
I can't believe the system is sending you round in circles, so much. You have a real need for support now!
Again - just a thought (probably no good, but I really want to help). What about eating disorder support groups or emergency lines - there must be some out there.
My favourite place I rang, before I found this forum was NHS Direct 0845 4647 - I know you feel you have gone done all the NHS routes, but if you talk to a nurse here, they just might have another avenue to suggest for you.
I also thought Nigel's suggestion might be worth a try?
Good to hear your keeping the fluids up - another thought - if you can't eat food, what about a liquid drink like 'ensure' - I know you can get it at chemists - might be something to give a little nourishment - not a long term solution, but your body might see it as liquid only - again just a thought to try and help.
Thinking of you - remember we are all here trying to come up with things to help you and support you!
lots of hugs
Elaine:D:D:D xxx
Hi Karen,
just wanted to reiterate what others have said. We are hear to help you in any way we can. It's not the same as professional help but we will do whatever we can for you.
I am shocked there is no help for you: people refusing to take you on, being told there is nothing in your area etc. It is awful BUT you have lots of people here, all rooting for you. We are willing to take you on!! Whatever you need, just ask and one of the many, many people who have replied to your posts will be there I am sure.
You have had some good suggestions to get you started. I have looked on the NHS direct site and it says about treatment being given close to home where possible so that you can keep social links etc. I think Elaine gave good advice, ring them and see what they say. I know you find it hard speaking to people on the phone but it might be worth a try.
Let us know how you're getting on.
Tam x
Hi guys
I just want to say a big thank you for the overwhelming messages of support. You are all already doing all you can to help me through this and I really do appreciate it.
I've been sitting here trying to think of how to reply without sounding negative (again!) and I am not sure how to. I don't want to dismiss any ideas because I realise everyone is doing what they can to come up with ideas that might help. I recognise that no one here is a professional or has any expertise in this area.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Then you really are down to eating to maintain or being sectioned (so sorry that sounds very blunt and rude too - but I don't know how else to put it).
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 28 September 2005 : 18:31:33</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well that is pretty blunt but I know it is true. I have been trying to aim to maintain but it often feels like fighting a losing battle, since my anorexia is not happy for me to maintain and wants me to keep losing weight. It certainly is not happy about weight gain and right now my desperation to avoid eating and putting weight on is making me indulge in increasingly worse behaviours. I cannot tell anyone 'official' about this though because I am determined not to be sectioned.
Distraction can help to a certain extent in that it helps stop me obsessing about food. It takes a lot to distract me though and I use any other activity as a way of avoiding eating too. If my mind is occupied I am less likely to eat because I can ignore the hunger much more easily[Sigh...].
Endlessly talking about food and weight is not meant to be ideal either, but then it is all I am thinking about - well this issue and wanting to be with K. Both these obsessions are all I think about, all day every day. K talks about avoid certain trigger words like 'food' and 'weight' but then I use them myself. She says it is more helpful to talk about nutrition and health, which makes sense but the anorexia still allows me to twist things around.
Elaine: Thanks for your suggestions too. I have looked into support groups but the one I found was just a telephone contact and this isn't the easiest means of communication for me, particularly when it is so difficult for me to talk about this issue.
I have the same problem with the idea of ringing NHS Direct too. I have been on their web site looking for information about this before - in fact I think I have looked just about everywhere. I don't feel able to ring them though because it is too difficult to talk and I wouldn't want to give them any information about myself either.
The nutrition drinks is an idea I have considered but whenever I have looked into this idea the calorie content makes it impossible for me to have these drinks. I only drink water now because it is calorie free. Even the tiniest bit of milk that goes into tea is enough for me to obsess about.
Thank you too Tam for looking at that information for me and for your continued support.
Thanks too Tracy and Lisa. I appreciated your continued support.
I am really very sorry that I am causing you all to worry and I wish I could start doing something to turn this around. I know to do this I have to eat and stop doing things like using laxatives etc but the issues involved in this anorexia are so complex that I am sabotaging every effort I make to try to do this. I have run out of laxatives now and am trying my best not to buy anymore.
At the moment I feel ok today but that is only because I haven't so far eaten anything. The reason for my anxiety tonight is because I haven't heard from K and I am worried I won't. It was Wednesday last week when she wasn't in contact too.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves,
Hi Karen!
((((((((Hugs))))))))) for you today! Thinking of you and praying. Applaude yourself that you are connecting with people who care. That is a good goal. Also applaude yourself that you continue to seek out professional care, even if you aren't getting exactly what you hoped for, this is also a good goal. Just don't give up. Because we aren't gonna give up on you!
Love,
Andrea
"Honey, if ya ain't feelin' the bumps in the road, ya ain't goin' nowhere!" (A wise Georgia Granny's take on living life to the fullest! LOL!)
Thanks for that Nigel.
Andrea: Thank you for your message and support.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I didn't quite manage to fast, but I have managed to restrict my food intake. I am feeling so much more in control now and better about myself because I've achieved this and haven't overeaten or binged.
Now I am really tired and need some sleep but I am thinking about K.
I just need to keep up this level of restriction, at least until I have lost the weight I gained. Maybe then I'll be able to aim for maintainance again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Good Morning Karen
Really, really good to see your post! :D:D:D
It was very positive. First steps and all that.
'I am feeling so much more in control now and better about myself because I've achieved this and haven't overeaten or binged.'
Write this down and keep it to hand for today!
Remember they are your words!!!!
This has brought a huge smile to my face for you!! :D:D:D
'Maybe then I'll be able to aim for maintainance again.'
You've turned a corner - fantastic.
WELL DONE YOU!!!!!!
Take care
With love
Elaine XX
paladin806
29-09-05, 10:20
Hi Karen, hope you are losing the desparation that is really evident in your posts. A lot of us can have no idea of what you are going through, so it becomes so much harder to give any worthwhile advice, but believe me, everyone is willing you on and desparate for your recovery.
Here is an idea for you, you seem to have a problem letting your gp and others know what you are going through, and you seem to be frustrated that they dont understand?
Can i suggest that you go back over your posts, pick out the ones that say it like it really is, and print them off. Once you have done this, and a few days before your next appointment
post or hand them in to your gp, so he or she, has the chance to see and understand what you are going through,and this way, they have the real facts to work on.
I probably am out of order,but hey, that is one of the beautys of being nuts, you can say what you want. But you have to make them see it from your perspective.Make them under- stand. Good luck and my thoughts are with you. John.
"I heard someone calling my name one day, so i followed that voice down the lost highway"
Hi Elaine & Piglet
I think maybe I gave the wrong impression with that post. Yes, I felt good that I hadn't binged and kept in control, but I did this by going the other way - back to my usual strict restriction of food in order to lose weight.
I do see this as being a success because I want to lost more weight. I was trying to be positive about aiming to maintain but today I again don't want to eat and I can't see how I will ever feel happy about maintaining, let alone gaining weight.
Sorry[:I]
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi John
Thanks for your reply.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Here is an idea for you, you seem to have a problem letting your gp and others know what you are going through, and you seem to be frustrated that they dont understand?
Can i suggest that you go back over your posts, pick out the ones that say it like it really is, and print them off. Once you have done this, and a few days before your next appointment post or hand them in to your gp, so he or she, has the chance to see and understand what you are going through,and this way, they have the real facts to work on.<div align="right">Originally posted by paladin806 - 29 September 2005 : 10:20:49</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It isn't that I couldn't let my doctor know how I am feeling or what is going on because I can and do write to her when it is something important.
The point is I don't want to tell her because I am too scared of what might happen. She has been supportive but I still don't trust her enough and am petrified of being sent into hospital.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen - Several points occured to me about your plight. I don't profess to know about anorexia or what it is like but as I have been known to compulsively feel inadequate, unconfident and shy most of my life, making myself ill from time to time. I have few friends and I hate the telephone. I hate talking to people I cannot see. Though my job involves working with lots of people and a considerable degree of responsiblity.
1. I can never believe I am worthy or good enough for anything no matter how well something is going or how well I'm doing. Having worked on the stage earlier in my life, I have trained myself to put an act and convince myself I may be someone else for a time but I stress, only for a time. I have found after a while I forget my more unconfident side and actually start to become more positive and enjoy life.
2. I can become impossibly obsessive about a great deal of things, especially about what people think of me. In fact sometimes this actually rules my actions. That's why I have to take medication I suppose. I have been rejected quite a few times in my life and it becomes a hang up and I can never ever think people think the best of me, least of all myself. Once again, I get up on that stage and try and become more positive than I really feel even if I feel like turn myself into hospital, then every one feeds off it and it feeds back to me in the end. As Shakespeare said so elequently, all the worlds a stage!!!!!!! Like meds, they are a kind of act to get you back on the road, and then you can become your real self, but only if you are prepared to go through hell and back, putting that work in.
3. Fear: This is a big one. I always try and think what I am I really afraid of and encaspulate it. Is it really worse than the situation I am currently in? Is it fear of fear? I suffer from bad Claustrophobia. I hate planes, tubes, buses and the like. My body tells me I cannot get on them and can make myself so ill if I know I'm going to be in a situation where I cannot escape. But I try and make myself more afraid if I try and avoid these almost impossible situations. The consequences of not accepting help, not looking my hang ups in the face and running have become a graver risk to my health than getting on a plane and having a few panic attacks and feeling temprarily at deaths door in a transient situation - because transient it is. Everything bad must come to an end somehow. My grandfather suffered from bad depression and he believed in it. Since overcoming my mortal fears, it dosen't get better but at least I know how to say, never say never and my body becomes kinder towards me as I pushed it into achieving something like a subborn child who will just not do its homework whatever but later in life when he goes to work, thanks his parents for pushing him earlier.
4. Deep down I feel very sorry for myself and I hate myself. But my alterego, I have had to invent for myself has forbidden this as a luxuary item to be discarded - even though like a good glass of wine it can be a nice release, especially as I do not feel strong inside.
5. Sometimes efforts seem to go unrewarded but that too can be just an illusion. My body constantly tells me it is a waste of time everything I do and I'm the most hated person in Britain (believe me it is true). I was told by my fellow school friends that I was the most unpopular person at school. That is how my illnesses began. Though over time, I have choosen not to listen to it anymore. It dosen't go away but my acting self has convinced me I can always do better. I have failed so many times through efforts, that it dosen't worry me anymore, I'm not afraid now to keep on trying as I'm well used to failing. In the end, something is bound to come right 1 time out of 100 and it has.
I expect after writing all this, you would probably think me a fool. However, I wanted to open myself up at this point to stress, no matter how bad things seem to you, there is always always an exit door to a better way of living with oneself somewhere, no m
Hi Tulip
Thanks for your message and support.
I certainly don't think you a fool at all! I recognise some of my own thoughts in some of what you have written and a lot of it seems to come down to low self-esteem. I know I have a big problem with this.
It sounds like you are doing well in finding ways to deal with this and have come up with strategies that work for you and I suppose that is the most important thing.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Feel like I am failing again tonight. I am not feeling very well at all at the moment, which I suppose could be because I haven't eaten, but could just as easily be anxiety.
I'm feeling faint, dizzy, nauseous, have a headache and am experiencing chest pain and palpitations. I am not really bothered that much by the symptoms; I just don't want to give in and eat anything.
Eating will be like I have given in and failed as usual. I wanted to fast completely today. I have been drinking so much water because I am really thirsty all the time.
Am so tired too having not had much sleep.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I finally gave in and had something to eat - only some fruit and a slice of toast and Marmite. I am not feeling so faint now but eating anything makes me want to eat more and I am not giving in to any cravings tonight.
I know I am much fatter already following eating too much and then bingeing and I have to lose the weight and this fat.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Good morning hun - if you have just a little nourishment inside you then you begin to make more sensible decisions.
I can barely talk when I need to eat and I feel all trembly let alone make sense.
You did good :):):)
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thanks Nigel and Piglet.
I don't feel good. I feel like I failed by giving in and eating. Plus I now feel bloated again. Think I would rather feel lightheaded and faint really.
Still can't sleep either.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Read your recent posts and I'm afraid, I will have to agree with Nigel and Piglet - You did well today and you have eaten in moderation again, in my book that's good! [Wow!]:).
Nigel is so right about feeding the brain to help allow you to think clearly, as when deprived of nutrients, it is more difficult to see clearly and be objective about things!
Hopefully this will find you feeling a little brighter and continue with the key word MODERATION - so try and keep building on moderation!!
Take Care
Elaine XX :):)
Thank you Elaine.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Right now I don't want to eat anything at all ever. The emotional distress is pushing me over the edge and eating is too much.
Having so many self-destructive thoughts right now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
Have you eaten since the marmite toast and fruit?
Are you still drinking liquids?
Elaine
Hi Elaine
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Have you eaten since the marmite toast and fruit?
Are you still drinking liquids?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Elaine1 - 30 September 2005 : 17:46:55</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No I haven't eaten anything but am drinking plenty of water.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
Glad to hear your drinking lots of water, but please try to eat something small - Can you remember what Nigel said about nutrition and the brain and thinking clearly!
Remember - moderation! :D
Hope you manage some sleep tonight.
Take great care
Elaine :D xx
Thanks Elaine.
I haven't had any sleep. Had a little bit of fruit to eat but that's it. No my stomach is bloated and I am so fat. Also have stomach pains.
If I don't lose weight this week then something is seriously wrong. The despair I feel about K being away just allows the anorexia to take a stronger hold.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
It is hard but you have to try.
You probably have stomach pains because you are so hungry - try to have something small this morning and maybe something else later. I am sure it will make you feel better.
Losing weight is not the aim - you have to remember this!!
Sorry if this post sounds a bit harsh but we are all willing you to get through this... just keep trying, please.
Tam x
Hi Tam
I know you are all trying to help me.
The stomach pains are only after I've eaten, so when I don't eat I feel fine.
I can't eat now because I really need some sleep but I am having trouble sleeping.
I do need to lose the weight I gained.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Please try and have a little something today it will help so much.
Love Piglet xx
Maybe later... I'm too tired and emotionally wiped out to even try right now:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hey Karen,
Just checking in to say hi! I know you feel emotionally drained, but perhaps try and have something small for lunch, even just some fruit.
Just keep thinking of how proud K is going to be when she returns, and catches up with you!!?
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
Hi Tracy
How are you today?
I will try to have something later but I'm going back to bed again in a minute, to try to get some sleep. I am way too tired to get past the anorexia at the moment. I didn't sleep at all last night.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm ok thanks Karen, having a bit of a stressful day but trying to keep busy.
Have a good rest, and I'll catch up with you later on. (after you had your snack??!!!!).
Talk to you later,
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
Hi Tracy
Sorry you're having a stressful day. Hope you're feeling a bit calmer now.
I've just been trying to have something to eat but just got really frustrated with myself and distressed because I just can't do it. The thought of consuming the food fills me with so much terror with all the consequences of what giving in and eating means.
Just can't do it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
I hope when you read this that you have had a little something to eat.
If not. maybe another slice of toast and marmite - I have to say, it is my favourite food, especially if I have been poorly - it the one thing that works for me.
As the ad says you either love it or hate it!
Love
Elaine XX
Hi Karen,
Can I ask you another of my interferring questions?
I was wondering what you feel are the imagined 'terrible' consequences of eating too much and if the answer is you will gain weight and be fatter, what is upsetting/scary about this.
I'm wondering what it is about being thin that makes you feel in control. I was trying to imagine this on myself, whenever I've been fat after having each of the children I felt unattractive so it made my self-esteem drop but I also know when I was a teenager I was stick thin and teased at school and I didn't like that either.
I suppose what I am asking is - is it a body image thing or a sort of OCD thing. Do you feel more confident and attractive very thin or do you control the food intake as a way of feeling safer and secure? A little like me sometimes checking the back door a few too many times to feel safe, when it wasn't at all neccessary.
Does that make sense - I'm a bit tired now so know what I mean but it may sound like gibberish.
Trying to help and interested to try and find a handle.
Nitey nite.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Elaine
I finally got a couple of hours sleep but then woke after an upsetting dream about losing K and couldn't get off again. So have just been lying in bed all evening.
Still haven't managed anything to eat yet.
I'm the only one in my family who likes Marmite so they all think I'm a bit strange! It's good though 'cause it's very low calorie.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Im with you on the marmite one, I love it. Have some on toast, even if it is just one slice hun, you really do have to eat something to keep your energy levels up.
Big Hug
Love
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwitten'
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Can I ask you another of my interferring questions?
I was wondering what you feel are the imagined 'terrible' consequences of eating too much and if the answer is you will gain weight and be fatter, what is upsetting/scary about this.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 01 October 2005 : 21:36:04</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Of course I don't mind you asking questions and I don't think it is interfering!
This is really difficult to explain really because there are so many different fears and bad consequences that have become associated with eating in the time since the anorexia developed.
Initially, I found that losing weight made me feel better about myself. I had a thyroid problem a couple of years ago and the treatment made me gain weight, so I was just aiming to lose the weight I'd put on and get back to what I was before.
However, as time went on I found controlling food intake by restricting and fasting became a good way of feeling more in control of my life. It started to get more and more serious when I was plunged back into depression almost 18 months ago now when my tutor ended contact with me.
Following from that my attachment to K developed and as I've become more obsessed with contact, and feeling scared and distraught at the prospect of life without her, not eating has become a way of having control over something.
Other thoughts the anorexia causes related to this are that I have to starve myself and become thin enough for K to love me, so I can be with her. She has told me these are delusional thoughts so many times but the anorexic thoughts are so strong that they take over. I believe I am bad and can starve the badness from myself and become a good enough person to deserve to be loved, if only I can get thin enough or reach a certain target weight - which has consistently been lowered whenever I've reached one target. There is this connection between finally finding so happiness when I get to the right weight and get thin enough.
I then started having obsessive thoughts about links between whether I eat and the contact from K, and then about her safety and losing her.
In fact, just about anything in my life that causes me anxiety or to feel low, I now cope with by withholding food. It is about control, succeeding in something, dealing with painful emotions that I can't cope with any other way and a whole host of other reasons like this.
It has become a way of avoiding dealing with all the hurt, pain and despair, and of believing that I am worthless and unlovable. The fact that my own Mum doesn't, and never has, been able to love me and constantly rejected me and pushed me away even when I was a child, means that I am still desperate to find that love now - from K. But of course, now I am an adult but still feel like a child emotionally in many ways. The smaller I get, I believe I am getting more child-like and want K to love me and take care of me.
There is another issue too but I am not able to talk about that.
I guess I sound really mad now[:O].
So, I suppose the short answer to your question is that it is more anxiety based and not eating because it helps me to cope. It is tied up with obsession more than to do with image.
Bet you wish you hadn't asked now!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
(Hope you don't mind me butting in, Piglet!)
How are you feeling today?
It was certainly interesting to read the reasons behind it, and I think you have been very brave and honest. It is good that you are so aware of the reasons you have been doing this.
I don't really know what to say. As I do not know you that well it would be ridiculous for me to try and reassure you that you are already a good enough person and you can find happiness without starving youself - but that is what I want to say to you though.
You are so helpful to others on this board, we all think you are a good person or we wouldn't bother replying to your posts.
Anyway, like I said, I don't have any useful advice so I'm sure someone will come along soon who has. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing that with us and keep working on the anxiety - if that is the reason for the not eating, that is what has to be dealt with first.
Take care and try to eat a little today.
Tam x
Good morning.
Karen that was a frank post and it did really help to see where you are coming from. Thank you for being brave enough to post it.:)
If you are in control by restricting foods could you not also be in control by reversing this trend. Would it not give you power to know you are capable of getting healthier also by your own hand.
You are in control either way.
Love Piglet :)
Hi Tam & Piglet
Thanks for your reply. It is hard talking about all the thoughts going round in my head where the anorexia is concerned and I have only shared all of this with a couple of other people, but I guess now it is out there for the whole world to read[:I]
If I was reading my post as if written by someone else I can see that these are irrational thoughts but, of course, it is different when it is me experiencing because of the emotion behind them I guess. It is like having two different people in my head - me and the anorexia and there is a constant battle going on, which I seem to be losing.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If you are in control by restricting foods could you not also be in control by reversing this trend. Would it not give you power to know you are capable of getting healthier also by your own hand.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 02 October 2005 : 11:36:01</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I do see where you are coming from with this, and it is not the first time it has been suggested, but unfortunately it doesn't work like that. I don't feel in control when I eat. The anorexia won't let me.
I was reading this personal story (http://www.edauk.com/fighting_anna.htm) from someone who has fought anorexia and it explains what goes on really clearly if you are interested in learning more about what it is like.
Thank you both for your support.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Wow Karen - I've just read Tess's Anna story.
It was inspiring - do you recognize any of yourself in there.
If she can do it then you most certainly can. You could start by accepting any help that's on offer.
You can do it like many before you but it really makes it easier and smoother if you had some assistance with it. You couldn't do your own broken leg or remove a kidney stone (or could you lol)!!!
Thank you for linking that - most illuminating!!![^]
Love Piglet
Hi Piglet
Glad you found that useful. I can see quite a few similar aspects in her story, although I am nowhere near as ill as she must've been when the illness was at its worst.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If she can do it then you most certainly can. You could start by accepting any help that's on offer.
You can do it like many before you but it really makes it easier and smoother if you had some assistance with it. You couldn't do your own broken leg or remove a kidney stone (or could you lol)!!!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 02 October 2005 : 13:55:35</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
If you are talking about accepting professional help, there is none apart from hospital and that just causes me so much more stress even thinking about it, which makes the anorexia worse.
I guess I identify with feeling that the anorexia takes over completely so that it has pushed me out. It has all the power and I am getting to that stage where I don't have enough strength to fight back.
As she mentioned, it is not about wanting to give up and let it kill me, but more a case of not feeling able to do anything about it or wanting to go on living like this.
I know I have to do the recovering myself but at the same time, I want and need someone to pull me back - and by that I don't mean psychiatric staff in hospital - someone who actually cares about me and not just treating my illness. For obvious reasons it won't be my family.
I have had something to eat today, but it is getting harder all the time to eat anything at all.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm pleased that you have managed to eat something.
I think like her, you have to separate the anorexia talk and your own normal talk. You have already proved you know there is a difference.
When the anorexia talk appears, you Karen have to say "sod off" (except you being much politer will say "go away").
We will try and help you fight the anorexia chatter all we can until the normal Karen talk wins over.
Feel a handle is appearing now that I can see there are two thought patterns. I may apply this to my panic talk when it comes - I may even say something much stronger than "sod off".[Wow!]
Nice one mate - we just need to tell these imposters where to get off.[Yes!]
Love Piglet :)
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think like her, you have to separate the anorexia talk and your own normal talk. You have already proved you know there is a difference.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I started working on this with K some time ago. Like the article by Tess said that she called the anorexia 'Anna', K suggested giving the anorexia a name and she started calling it 'Edie', so that's how we refer to it now. It is to help me see the illness as being separate from me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">When the anorexia talk appears, you Karen have to say "sod off" (except you being much politer will say "go away").
We will try and help you fight the anorexia chatter all we can until the normal Karen talk wins over.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I try to do this already. In fact, it is often like there is an argument going on in my head between me and 'Edie'. As time has passed though, she has become stronger and I've become weaker. She is currently winning this battle.
Good idea to apply the principle to panic too if it helps you overcome it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Right 'Edie' better watch out now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only name I could think of for my panic talk starts with b and ends with d so is unprintable. Lol!!!!! So I am going stick with 'panic' as the name but it is so gonna get a firm word or two.
It's great that you recognize when Edie talks as you then know you can choose whether to do as ordered or reject the idea as not right and not in your best interests.
The things Edie says are not right.
Love Piglet :)
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It's great that you recognize when Edie talks as you then know you can choose whether to do as ordered or reject the idea as not right and not in your best interests.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 02 October 2005 : 17:43:05</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
If only it were that easy[Sigh...]
She is not at all easy to ignore. In fact, she refuses to be ignored:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I can't handle the fact that I've eaten today and I am feeling so bloated and disgusted with myself.
Edie tells me I should hate myself and be disgusted with myself for giving in and eating anything at all, and that I deserve to be suffering with K being away.
She's shouting at me to get rid of the food some way and to punish myself with more self-destructive actions.
I can't resist her tonight:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm back to wanting to fast again today. Have only been having water to drink since last night because I can't handle this feeling of being bloated and fat, or the really horrible thoughts that Edie causes.
I know I need to eat and I try to get past this but just can't at the moment. How can I when I feel so much better when I've not eaten and the feeling of 'emptiness' is more comfortable than having food inside me.
I am so very cold this morning though. It is freezing and I can't get warm.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Yes it is really cold this morning, got mega woolly socks on!
You will feel warmer if you had something inside you.
You must ignore Edie (I know that is so easy said) that is not the right talk for you today - it is important to keep warm and running on empty is not the way to do that.
You have to say firmly, "today is a Karen day and not an Edie day" so that you can keep warm.
Love Piglet :)
Hi Piglet
I am trying but not getting very far. Have managed some fruit but I now feel bloated again so can't get anything else past Edie.
Am just coping with the cold by staying in bed with a hot water bottle.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Fruits fine - well done!
At the moment its important to have fuel as you do need to keep warm.
Today you answer Edie with its sensible to have some snacks to keep my body warm so this is what I am doing. I won't over do it and I won't under do it. Today I am using 'moderation' as I know this is both a normal and sensible way to keep me nice and warm.
Karen you are strong even when you don't feel it, Edie is an unsure voice trying to talk big to cover it.
Love Piglet :)
Thanks Piglet but I can't have anything else. Am just really upset about K not being here and hate myself more for getting into such a state about it.
All of this just makes tackling Edie so much more difficult and I am not able to do it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hannahlou84
03-10-05, 15:43
Well done on eating, Karen, if we can keep the eating up, other things will start to improve, however slowly. As we have established you are not getting the help you need from the NHS, and we don't want you in hospital, so progress like this is good.
As long as you are eating little bits occassionally, and keeping them in your system, this is better than before, is it not? Perhaps you could consider some Nimble bread later? Or maybe a low calorie yoghurt? Don't think about it now, and just try to eat what your body needs if you are scared of going overboard.
Do you drink fruit juice? Keep going Karen!
Hannah
"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"
Thanks Hannah for your reply.
I'm not actually doing that well at the moment because I have only eaten a little bit of fruit in the past 12 hours. I know I need to eat more regularly than that but I just can't manage it at present.
I also am not eating yoghurts again and my diet has become restricted to this diet Nimble bread, raspberries and strawberries. I am not able to get anything else past Edie.
The only thing I drink is water because it has no calories.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hannahlou84
03-10-05, 16:05
Anything is better than nothing. Don't knock that Karen, I know how hard it is for you to eat anything.
Keep going. You can get through this week without K, you have done it before, and you have done it again. Harsh though it sounds, you have to get through it just to hear from her if nothing else.
Keep on going, darling.x
"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"
Hi Karen,
Firstly, apologies, I'm skiving at work and haven't had the opportunity to read all of the pages in this thread.
I will re-visit tonight at home.
Have you been hospitalised/sectioned before? What help are you getting now?
From what I know of eating disorders, acknowledging you have a problem is a big step in the right direction. You seem to have made this step.
It is crucial that you get the treatment you need. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of ALL mental illness, including depression. (!)
The stats are: 33% of people affected make a full recovery, 33% of people learn to manage the disease, and 33% die. Shocking but true.
Are you in a position financially to go private if the NHS is letting you down?
Check out Janet Treasure's books on amazon.
Hi Nigel
Sorry I missed your reply earlier.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It’s perfectly understandable and quite alright to feel upset about ‘K’ being away for a few days. Perhaps you could just accept that it’s OK to feel like that – give yourself permission to.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It's not alright to feel like this though. She has her own life to lead and I feel so terrible for reacting this way every time she doesn't reply or goes away somewhere but I need her so much I can't help it.
I do deserve to hate myself and punish myself because my attachment to K means that I am selfish and manipulative and deserve to feel terrible.
Right now I think Edie is my punishment for being so bad.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks for your encouragement and support Hannah.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Andie
Thanks for your message.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Have you been hospitalised/sectioned before? What help are you getting now?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No I have never been hospitalised or sectioned. I am not having any NHS treatment apart from fortnightly weight checks by my GP.
I was referred to and have been assessed by a psychiatrist who only offered me hospital admission, which I don't want. All other avenues and requests for help to the CMHT, psychiatrist and psychologist have been turned down. There is no NHS help out there.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It is crucial that you get the treatment you need. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of ALL mental illness, including depression. (!)
The stats are: 33% of people affected make a full recovery, 33% of people learn to manage the disease, and 33% die. Shocking but true.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I have read the statistics. Just makes it seem even more impossible to recover from.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Are you in a position financially to go private if the NHS is letting you down?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No I'm not unfortunately. I'm not working and currently in the process of selling my house with the aim of moving somewhere smaller because I am having financial problems.
I appreciate your input.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">This is a bit of an abstract thought but perhaps one reason why Edie gives you such a hard time is because you actually believe that’s what you deserve. Maybe Edie is trying to give you what she thinks you want. Dunno...???</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I've been through this possibility with K but she said this is not the case and that Edie is not trying to help me in any way at all but is trying to destroy and kill me.
K believes that Edie needs to be seen as an enemy to be defeated, rather than someone that has any good intentions at all.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">True, Edie does appear to be trying to destroy you, but is that because in a way it’s what you think you deserve? Perhaps it’s those thoughts and beliefs that are giving her her power.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It's true that I believe I deserve it and maybe that is one reason why I am not able to break free of her clutches. I don't know about her being part of my life to help give me 'what she thinks I want' though.
Probably at the end of the day the 'why' doesn't make much difference. K says it is escaping her clutches that is the important thing and to do that she needs to be destroyed rather than reformed.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Perhaps it would be a good idea to revisit that ‘10 reasons why Karen is such a wonderful person’ topic from the other week ;). Maybe believing good things about yourself might help.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
The problem is I don't believe there are any good things about me, which is why I haven't been able to complete Meg's challenge of coming up with examples for the rest:(.
Karen
Can't deal with this feeling of having food inside me. Just feel so fat and bloated[xx(].
Sorry to let everyone down again but I took laxatives again[:I].
Just don't think there is any way to recover from this. I can't stop wanting to lose more weight whatever I have to do to achieve this. I don't even deserve any help:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I am sooo very cold and can't get warm. I've got so many layers on including a t-shirt PJ top, two fleecy PJ tops and a thick dressing gown and I am still cold:(.
I'm really dreading the winter. Don't know how I am going to cope:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel ill because of my stupid actions with the laxatives and was feeling very shaky and faint because I hadn't eaten.
Have now managed to get a piece of toast and a few raspberries past Edie, but now my stomach is extremely sore because I've eaten[xx(].
I can't win really. At least when I don't eat I don't feel so bad about myself and feel like I've failed, which is exactly how I am feeling right now:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi hun,
So glad you managed a little fuel earlier.
Edie must not take this away from you - you have to stay warm!!!!!!!!
Big hug.
Love Piglet :)
Thanks for the encouragement Piglet and Nigel.
I feel so ill at the moment though. Just need to feel empty, which is why it is so much easier not to eat in the first place.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Do what I do when I get panicky feelings.
Count to 10 (it may need to be longer than this for Edie to shut up) till the urge to do the non sensible things has passed.
Meanwhile for the tum to stop feeling sore - lay down for an hour and let the soreness subside of it's own accord. If have eaten too much I do this as I know Mother Nature will sort this out gently in a natural way.
Love Piglet :)
Hi Piglet
Thanks for the tips. I can usually control panic reasonably well on other occasions and with other fears, but this goes way beyond that.
I felt so ill this afternoon that I had to go and lie down. I couldn't sleep as I was feeling so terrible and I have only just been able to get out of bed again. Every time I tried to get out of bed before I was so dizzy and faint that I was falling down again and my stomach was so sore.[xx(]
Think eating did that and this now puts me off having anything else. It send my heart racing too and gave me chest pain.
I am so much better when I don't eat.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hannahlou84
04-10-05, 21:53
Well done for eating.
I'm sorry that your tummy hurts, but that will get easier the more you do this.
Could you perhaps convince yourself that you are not failing yourself because you are giving your body what it needs, and doing what people want from you to make you well? Perhaps work on that, hard though it is.
Have you used the laxatives recently? As that really is just worse than not eating at all the stage you are at the moment. I am here if I can help. Sorry that I'm not though.
Take care, Hannah
"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"
Thanks for your reply Hannah.
I have tried to turn the situation around so that I see eating as being a success, rather than starving myself or restricting, but I just can't see it that way.
Yes, I used laxatives yesterday morning[:I]. I know it is bad. I just can't handle the feeling when I eat.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Dear Karen
Good morning to you!
I am sorry I have not been posting in the last couple of days!
I have just been catching up on your thread, starting a page 10 and working back. Initially I thought who's Edie, but very soon realised. It takes the grey cells a little longer these days to start working.
As always, your posts are incredibly brave and honest and I truely admire you for posting them.
In the past when I have found thoughts difficult I have created an imaginery 4 drawer filing cabinet in my mind. Then when something is difficult, I imagine myself filing it in a folder then putting it in the drawer and slowly closing it - That has helped me to let go with that thought and move onto something else. Might sound a little crazy, but it has worked for me!
So I am now imagining Karen, with her filing cabinet and when Edie intrudes, you are placing her in the bottom drawer and slamming it shut with gusto! Then to make sure, your kicking the drawer as well!
As always, Piglet and Nigel have posted some wonderful things - now how did they get so wise!!
To quote Nigel:
'there might be a few uncomfortable times both emotionally and physically along the way, but if you can persevere then they will lessen and diminish, and you will come through triumphant.'
Couldn't have put it better myself!!
We all believe in you Karen, you are a truely lovely person, who is kind, caring and thoughtful - you are always supporting so many of us.
You are also a strong and brave individual!
Today:
You have just kicked that imaginery bottom filing cabinet and put alot of books infront of it, just to make sure.
Time for Karen!
What about a lovely warm bath, with lots of lovely bubbles!
Then once your all cosy again with thick warm socks and fleecy PJ's, you could settle yourself down with hot water bottle and find a good old fashioned movie to watch. Next to you, you have a small plate of fresh fruit to nibble on and a glass of water to sip.
Movie, over - I am sending you lots of rays of sunshine to brighten up your morning - Now think of some beautiful flowers - Lovely sunflowers, with their happy faces, blowing gently in the morning breeze - now that must bring a huge smile to your face! :D [Sigh...] To me, there is nothing like imagining the countryside, beautiful scenes of trees and flowers, with the sun cascading down on them!!
Right - lots of positive vibes - Let's write them down for later ...........
Gosh, I got a bit carried away there - but oh well, made me smile!!
Hope this finds you with a smile.
with love
Elaine XX
Hi Elaine
Thank you for your lovely post. Have you ever thought about writing? Some lovely imagery there!
I have to say I don't feel at all brave and though I try to resist Edie's attempts to get me to deceive people, this is really difficult most of the time. I am already worrying about seeing my doctor on Friday because I managed to give a false weight reading. It is things like this that make me feel so bad about myself because, ultimately I am the one doing these things, even if anorexia is an illness.
Your idea about the filing cabinet doesn't sound crazy at all and I'll see if I can use it. I need to lock Edie up in that filing cabinet I think.
The problem I am having today is that I don't want to risk eating in case I am ill again like yesterday. That was so scary, particularly being alone. I just really wanted K to be here and to hold me until I felt better[:I]
It is another miserable day here, so I think I am going to curl up in bed again and see if there's anything to watch on TV.
Thank you again so much for your very kind thoughts.
How are you today?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen,
Are there some softer foods that you could have that may be a little more gentle on the system as it's feeling a little sore??
What about those small bananas.
Keep trying and remember your tum is bound to be tender so try and go with it for the moment this problem will stop soon enough.
You will feel warmer if you eat.[Yeah!]
Love Piglet :):)
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Are there some softer foods that you could have that may be a little more gentle on the system as it's feeling a little sore??
What about those small bananas.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 05 October 2005 : 09:35:39</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't know what would be more gentle to be honest, or even if these would be foods I could get past Edie anyway.
At the moment I don't have much in the house and don't really feel like going out to the supermarket. At least it's quite warm indoors.
How are you today?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
I'm really going for it today!
Kick
And
Remove
Edie
Now
that filing cabinet is ready and waiting!!!!
This was the polite version!! LOL:D:D
Enough is enough, I'm no longer
Down, I'm ready and strong
I'm determined to kick some a**e!
Everyday!
Now I'm getting carried away and yes I'm taking the medication!!! LOL:D
A bt of fun, just want to keep you smiling!!!! :D
with love
Elaine XX [:I]
Really inventive Elaine!:)
Nigel - I know moderation is the key. I just don't seem able to do it anymore. It is all or nothing. Edie prefers nothing and, to be honest, I feel better about the nothing too.
Just feel too tired to fight anymore. I know I am the only one who can get through this but I feel like everything is closing in on me and I've just had enough.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hey Karen,
Just catching up and seeing how you are feeling now.
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
hi Karen,
what great uplifting advice and support you are receiving!! It just proves how well you are doing.. just little and often.. each one of us is special in our own ways..
we all have faith in you. give that filing cabinet a big kick from me!!
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Just saying a quick 'Hello' after my little break.
Have you thought of a few spoonfuls of soup? Nice and warming.
Now, have you booked up a holiday for Edie yet? She must be in dire need of one..
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thanks for the replies. I am not doing well because if I was I would be making strides forward, not going backwards. If anything I get worse and make things worse for myself.
Edie refuses to go anywhere, no matter what I say and do. I don't think there is anything else I can do. She has taken over and wants me out. She is pulling all the strings here.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Well now I am feeling even worse after reading a message from someone (not from here). They basically told me to "stop this nonsense" and that I am just trying to hurt everyone.
I wish I could stop being anorexic just like that... it is not that easy. I know it is my fault I am ill and I am blaming myself enough as it is.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Hun,
Sending you positive vibes comforting thoughts and support.
Small gentle steps. POSITIVE thinking!
You are in CONTROL not eddie KAREN IS IN CONTROL!!!!!!! repeat KAREN IS IN CONTROL YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE YOU CAN DO THIS!
Stay strong,
Take Care,
Love & Hugs,
PIP'S X X X X
Thanks for your support Pips. I don't feel particularly in control at the moment.
I do, however, feel responsible and know that it is true that I am hurting everyone because of what I am doing. I deserve to be ill and to have this happening to me. It's all my fault.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hannahlou84
05-10-05, 22:43
Karen, it isn't your fault. I wish you could see that it isn't. You are such a great person that this really just isn't fair. Ignore people who say you are trying to hurt people, the only person you are hurting is yourself, which isn't good, but people can't say you're doing it to hurt them.
You have been doing so well despite slip ups, if you just keep going it's an improvement, I just wish you could see that.
Han xx
"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"
Thanks Hannah.
I think I am hurting people though and that does make me a bad person.
I also know it is my own fault I am stuck with this anorexia and am unable to get better. However, I didn't suddenly decide to become anorexic one day because I had nothing better to do, and that's what that person's message made me feel like. How could anyone really want to be like this?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Please Karen,
You mustn't think it's your fault you didn't and wouldn't ever choose to have this illness. People can be cruel and blunt at times. Please don't let it get to you.
Repeat after me. IT'S NOT MY FAULT I AM A GOOD KIND PERSON WHO IS JUST TRYING TO COPE AND LIVE WITH AN ILLNESS.
Just keep trying hun.
Take care,
Love & Hugs,
PIP'S X X X X
Hi there mate,
Pips is so right!!!!!
You are not hurting us (although Edie really is hurting you) we are not hurt just worried and concerned.
I loved the filing cabinet thing too, one image I use is to think of the end of my feet as taps which I turn on to release and get rid of all the yuk stuff I don't need, all just gushes out and away into the drains.
Nigel - right back at ya hun;)
Please, please, try today to ignore Edie and get some fuel.
Big hug (((((((((K)))))))))))))
Love Piglet xx
Thanks Pips and Piglet.
I can't help feeling bad when someone says something like that. It just confirms my view of myself as being bad and worthless. This person won't let it drop either.
Managed all day without eating today. Edie is really happy about that. I spent the afternoon helping out at my therapist's office in exchange for a therapy session. I didn't see her in the end but the other therapist there instead.
Just feeling really low still and Edie turns this against me with promises of happiness if I do what she says.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Just a quick post to say hi! :D
I agree with Pips, some people are too insensitive for words. I really wouldn't give this person's comments another thought. Their thoughts belong in a dustbin! So put them out with the rubbish! - Good, got rid of, thrown away!
You are not bad and worthless Karen, all you have to do is think about all the messages of love and support that have been posted on this forum - they are from people who admire and care about you! None of us see you like this.
Must say, like Piglet's comments about her feet being taps and flushing all the rubbish down the drain - Made me smile! :)
Glad you managed to get out this afternoon, must have made you feel good!
Wishing you a peaceful night.
Take care
Elaine XX :)
Hey Karen,
Hows things to day?
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
Hi Elaine
Thanks so much for your very kind message. Sometimes I think I am too sensitive and that I was overreacting to what was said to me, but I've been assured that this time it wasn't me overreacting and that what was said isn't true.
Any negative comments like those sent to me by this person just go to confirm my own negative beliefs about myself though and so it is very hard for me to ignore them and to believe they are not true.
I do appreciate all the kind messages of support here though and particularly for putting up with me when I know how frustrating it must be making suggestions that I then am unable to follow. I get really frustrated with myself, so I can imagine how it is for others.
Hi Tracy
Thanks for your message. I am doing ok today thanks.
I have been unsure whether to post this or not because each time I write something even a tiny bit positive, it all goes wrong again and I end up sabataging my progress.
But, I had breakfast this morning - only a slice of toast and Marmite but this is an improvement on how I have been all week. And then I managed a Marmite sandwich for lunch, as well as a small amount of fruit this afternoon.
I'm feeling bloated again now though and am finding it very difficult to ignore Edie's threats and put downs. I am getting increasingly anxious about eating anything else today, even though I am trying to resist Edie.
Wish I could eat without getting the bloating, which makes things worse.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
WELL DONE for resisting Edie and doing so well today. You have done really well.
I know that i do not understand what you are going through, but i appreciate how hard it must have been to eat regularly today. And i am very impressed!
Lets just concentrate on how well you are doing today without worrying about tomorrow.
Take care,
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
Thanks Tracy.
I am not getting too carried away with this, or even congratulating myself because although I make the odd effort like this, I find it difficult to maintain it or keep it going.
Think the knowledge that K is back tomorrow is giving me a bit of extra strength today.
The problem is when I feel bloated I can't then eat anything else.
Anyone have any ideas how to prevent bloating?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hey,
My mum swears by peppermint or chamomile tea? I don't know if you like the taste of either of these though.
Personally i can't! but have had peppermint oil capsules from the health shop, These are supposed to help with digestion and bloatedness.
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
Hannahlou84
07-10-05, 17:40
Well done, Karen!!
Bloating, I find, if you drink water subsides after a while, well done, darling. You can keep this up, blips are fine, but knowing that you can do this is fantastic! You have done far better than me today! Well done! xxx
"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"
Karen,
WOW!! Well done!! That is excellent news, you are really kicking Edie into touch!!
You have done so well today, try not to think about it too much if that puts you off eating again.
It was lovely to catch up with your post and find out how well you have done so thank you. I am glad you are feeling a bit stronger, it's been a tough week but you have got through it.
You have every right to congratulate yourself.
Tammy x
Hi Karen,
You have done great! Brillant mate!
Oh I know all about bloating mate I have had lots of tests done cause i get bloated nearly every day. They put it down to IBS but even if my IBS is ok I still get bloated which really gets me down. So I give up!
I rub peppermint mixed with a carrier oil on my tummy which helps little. My friend said i could make a buisness out of that "PEPPERMINT RUBBING PIP'S" LOL
You can also take peppermint capsules. Charcoal tablets are supposed to be pretty good. Aloe vera juice also. Perhaps ask in your local health food shop they will be able to assist you more.
Take good care hun,
Love PIP'S X X X X
Thanks for all your messages of support. I couldn't cope with the bloated feeling and what Edie was telling me to do about this, so in the end I went back to bed and tried to sleep for a while[:I]. It was either that or give in and start abusing laxatives again to get rid of what I'd eaten.
Tracy: I don't like peppermint tea either. My doctor did prescribe some peppermint oil capsules but they don't seem to make any difference.
Nigel: I guess you are right about praising each step, but how many times have I been here before? One day does not make a recovery. I know I need to make consistent efforts and that is what I find so difficult to do. It is finding the motivation to keep it going when I seem to have more motivators that keep me stuck where I am, or even getting worse.
Hannah: Thanks for your support. I'm not sure about you telling me I have done 'better than you today' though. I hope you are managing to take in some nutrition.
Tammy: Glad I gave you something to feel pleased about. One day at a time for me though, as I don't know how long I can keep going or how much of my effort today was possible because of the knowledge that K is back tomorrow and my anticipation at hearing from her.
Pips: I also suffer from IBS and it is a right pain isn't it? I have tried peppermint oil capsules but not rubbing this on my stomach so maybe I'll give that a go. I'll also look into the aloe vera juice - though I may have a problem with calories with that. I will try the local health food store and see if there is anything else I can try for this.
I also saw my doctor today and have asked her about the dietician again. I know my problems are more than just knowing what to eat and it is entirely probable that I won't be able to follow any diet plan she comes up with. But I could do with some advice about what low calorie/low fat foods I can eat that are less likely to cause bloating or irritate my IBS.
It is the IBS which prevents me from just living on salads or vegetables the whole time, as a lot of vegetables upset my stomach[xx(].
Thanks for all the advice and suggestions.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Yesterday's posts great reading - As others have said, be proud and it is all about one small step at a time. Notch the day up as a good one!
I was reading the posts about bloated tummy and also IBS, so went and got a book I found very interesting reading earlier this year.
There are lots of hints on Bloating and IBS.
The highlights for you, I think would be:
I tablespoon of aloe vera juice and 1 teaspoon of liquid chlophyl before your largest meal - so for you, I guess that would be when you have your marmite toast and fruit.
What about fennel tea. The suggestion is peppermint as well, but you have already answered that one!
The last one, which like aloe vera juice, appears on both lists is digestive enzymes.
So as you indicated a trip to the health food shop is required. I know Hollard & Barrett stock alot of these things.
Well, something to make you smile! I met a very good friend for the morning yesterday and we went to some local gardens for a good walk. It is, perhaps one of my all time favourite places. It holds many lovely memories. I used to take my boys there all the time when they were young. At the time had annual subscription!
It is, in my mind a little bit of paradise. There are lots of differing areas to walk around and it is so very quiet and peaceful - heaven, especially when I have two very lively boys (11 &13). The gardens are truely beautiful - the most wonderful planted borders, beautiful trees etc. So very relaxing. Now what I should have been doing, was cleaning the bathroom, household chores - so no contest, but will have to tackle the chores today - Oh well, it was worth it!!
Do you have anyway local to you for lovely walks?
Is it something you enjoy?
For me, going somewhere like that, even if I was on my own, really helps alleviate anxiety!
Enough of me wittering on!
I've probably sent you to sleep! LOL :D
Hoping you have a good day today.
Elaine XX :D:D
Hi Elaine
Thanks for looking up those suggestions for me. I'll take the list with me when I get to the health shop - not today though because I need some sleep!
Your walk does sound lovely and much better than doing housework. I suppose the place I would go for walks is the beach, but only in warm, sunny weather though, and when I've got enough energy to walk. It seems to take all my energy to do routine things these days.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I hope you are ok today hun.
Good luck when you go to the Health food shop let us know how you get on.
How about getting a book on eating for IBS this one looks good as it's healthy eating to! I was thinking about getting this book.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/tg/stores/detail/-/books/1856265676/reviews/026-2398051-2897241
Thought it might interest you.
Here is a site that might help you to.
http://www.ibs-research-update.org.uk/ibs/homeie4.html
Hope all's well,
Take care and keep giving Eddie what for!!!!
Love PIP'S X X
Thanks Pips.
I'm OK today thanks. Just really tired and need some sleep really, but am thinking about K too much!
Had breakfast this morning but now I am already worrying about eating regularly in case I start eating too much.
Thanks for the links. I'll check those out.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Well done Karen - K will be so pleased.
Big hug:)
Love Piglet
Thanks Piglet.
Although I haven't managed anything since breakfast and am struggling with Edie telling me to do some pretty harmful things at present.
I need to go to bed and get some sleep really, as I am so tired but I can't switch off.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sorry everyone. I couldn't shut Edie out and gave in with the laxatives again:(.
I just can't handle what it feels like to have food in me and Edie is on at me 24/7 to reach her new weight goal. Her promises are pretty hard to ignore because they are everything I've ever wanted. According to her, all I have to do is listen to her and do what she says and then I'll achieve these things.
Just lose some more weight to be with K and be happy - what can be so wrong in that?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Don't really know whether I am coming or going at the moment. One minute I am listening to Edie and taking action which I know is bad for my health and likely to make me worse, then the next I am trying to ignore her and follow the advice of K and all my supports here and elsewhere.
Part of the problem is that I am so scared of losing K no matter what I do:(.
Anyway, I have stomach pains today, but that's my own fault for taking the laxatives. I have, however, had breakfast this morning and a glass of milk to drink. Now, of course, I have Edie shouting at me again[:O].
I'm so up and down with this. I makes attempts to eat, and to eat/drink things other than my safe items, but then take take self-destructive actions when Edie gets to me about it. I can't seem to break this cycle.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen,
Try not to focus on the negative. Yes you took laxatives but you also made some positive steps as well.
You are trying, that's the main thing. It is a hard cycle to break and you just have to keep trying.
You will have times when you give in to Edie but lets hope there are more times when Edie gives in to Karen.
*Now, of course, I have Edie shouting at me again.*
LET HER SHOUT!! In fact, shout back!! "I am ignoring you today and am going to continue eating a little throughout the day."
Just remember Karen, you have lots more support than Edie does.
Wishing you a good day.
Tammy x
Hannahlou84
09-10-05, 15:51
It's OK Karen, to me the bad seems to be becoming less and less regularly. And you know what? You seem to be able to see moreso, and admit that these actions are not good! Try and focus on the positives.
How about getting rid of the laxatives? So that the temptation isn't there?
"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hi Karen,
:(
quote:
Her promises are pretty hard to ignore because they are everything I've ever wanted. According to her, all I have to do is listen to her and do what she says and then I'll achieve these things.
Just lose some more weight to be with K and be happy - what can be so wrong in that?
I know this so very hard to trust and believe in, but how many times has Edie delivered on her promises and why is this time gonna be any different to all the others? It won’t be, and she’s lying. What she's really promising is being in hospital and continued unhappiness - what can be so right in that?
Take care,
Nigel
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 09 October 2005 : 15:14:27</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hi Karen,
I totally agree with Nigel, all Edie is doing is pushing you nearer to hospital. You are doing so well until you listen to Edie.
Well done on the eating part that shows the will and strength is there !!!
Big hug.
Love Piglet :):)
PS: internet connection still dodgy - is yours???
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen
Hope this finds you feeling a little more positive.
As others have said, there are continually more positives in your posts - you might not see it, but we can! ;)
I have to agree with Nigel and Piglet - Edie is pushing you in the one direction you so don't want to go - hospital.
You have said many a time this is not what you want, but it is what Edie wants - so you are going to have to keep this in the fore front of your mind - the ammunition to avoid this, is taking control, saying no to Edie, then eating little and often.
Think of the laxatives as Edie's friend - not yours. Then put them in the filing cabinet with Edie with a short sharp kick! Edie is deceiving you - her ultimate goal is the opposite to yours - please believe this! Her promises are shallow, they are empty - just keep focused on this!:)
Take care
Elaine XXX :)
Hi everyone
Thank you for all the messages and sorry I didn't reply sooner. I had a really bad day yesterday, which just went downhill in the afternoon and I spent the rest of the time in bed.
I've decided that I really do not like Sundays at all because it all seems to go wrong on the same day every week and Edie just takes over completely.
Tammy: Thanks for your reply. I was trying to be more positive and take positive action by eating breakfast. Unfortunately though, it went downhill from there. The act of eating breakfast started me eating more and then panicking about it, particularly once Edie kicked in again.
I'm afraid I took even more drastic action than just taking some laxatives[:I].
Nigel
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know this so very hard to trust and believe in, but how many times has Edie delivered on her promises and why is this time gonna be any different to all the others? It won’t be, and she’s lying. What she's really promising is being in hospital and continued unhappiness - what can be so right in that?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I know she hasn't delivered so far, but what if the next time is the one that she does? What if I ignore her and let my chance of happiness and of being with K slip through my fingers because I haven't listened to her? I just feel unable to take that chance.
Although her promises have not paid off so far, they might in future and perhaps it is because I have not been listening to her enough, doing what she wants well enough, or because I haven't reached her goal yet that it hasn't paid off. If I don't do what she says I will never know.
I still don't think I am at the point where hospital is necessary, or that I am likely to end up there any time soon.
When I ignore Edie I feel out of control, but when I listen to her and do what she wants, I feel I am in control of my life and can cope so much better.
Hannah: I did run out of laxatives and resolve not to get any more, but then I gave in again. If I listened to Edie in the first place and stopped eating so much then I wouldn't need them. So I guess it is my own fault that I have to resort to such drastic measures.
Piglet: Isn't it more true that I do better when I DO listen to Edie? I certainly feel better when I listen to her and do what she wants.
Sorry your Internet connection is playing up. Don't want to say too much about mine in case this starts it playing up again[:O]!
Elaine: I wasn't very good yesterday afternoon or evening and was ill in bed, although this was my own fault. Had I listened to Edie in the first place it wouldn't have happened.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Edie is deceiving you - her ultimate goal is the opposite to yours - please believe this! Her promises are shallow, they are empty - just keep focused on this!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Is this really the truth though? Is she deceiving me or in fact trying to help? Why do I feel so much better when I listen to her?
I doubt anyone really wants to know what went on yesterday. It was so much worse than just using laxatives, yet I brought it on myself by ignoring Edie and eating way too much. From now on I think I have to listen to her and believe that she is taking me in the right direction, towards happiness and love. I don't want to feel like I did yesterday again. I know I have to avoid eating, particularly food that isn't 'safe'.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Finding this really hard today. I am still suffering ill effects from yesterday[xx(]. I am so fat now it is disgusting and I need to get rid of it again.
I just want to starve myself completely. I am even scared of having any food in the house now and feel like I should get rid of everything so I can't eat at all.
Don't know what to do or how to cope with this anymore:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
10-10-05, 15:24
Karen
I know you didn't see the TV programme that I mentioned last week but I did and it was very upsetting to see what food disorders can do to people.
You can seriously damage some internal organs if you are not careful and I am not saying this just to shock you but to make you aware that if this happens then you will end up in hospital anyway.
You need to try to eat today and give your body the nourishment it will no doubt be craving all the time now.
If you stop eating altogether then your body will start to shut down and what if you fainted? They would soon whisk you off to hospital then.
You need to work out what you want to do I guess - carry on like this and end up in hospital sooner or later or try to get on top of things and start a recovery plan.
I know this will not be easy atall and I know that you are trying so hard at this but are you making any progress?
Please think about things and start to look after yourself just a little each day - I don't want to see you get really ill or even die because of this.
Big hug to you.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Nic
I missed that programme you mentioned last week, but I am aware that eating disorders can cause irreversible health problems. I really wish that could be enough to make me stop but somehow it isn't. Maybe I don't care about myself enough to worry about getting ill, or even dying. I am not trying to kill myself but I am struggling to find anything to hold onto in life too, or a reason to want to get better.
Even though everyone keeps telling me it is the anorexic delusions, I can't help believing that happiness lies with losing more weight and reaching this next target. I still believe that K will love me if I get there and there is still a chance she will come and rescue me. It probably sounds very stupid and really ridiculous to anyone else, but it is what I long for more than anything in the world.
The last thing I want is to end up in hospital, as you know. However, it doesn't matter what I do to my body because I don't think I am actually ill enough to end up there. I am here on my own all the time, so no one would even know if I was ill, let alone drag me off to hospital, and there is no way I would call an ambulance or admit myself.
If I fainted then no one would actually know about it would they?
I know you are concerned about me and I really don't want to cause anyone to worry, but I just can't stop doing this. I have been trying really hard to stop and I just can't. As soon as I eat I feel absolutely dreadful about myself and want to get rid of it, and the actions I am taking to do this are getting worse.
Now I feel like the only way I can stop taking destructive action to get rid of food I've eaten is if I don't eat it in the first place.
I know things are getting worse and at times I can even admit that I need some help. I am not making any progress and, to be honest, I'm not really sure I can on my own. The problem is that I cannot accept going into an NHS eating disorder unit because I have read too much about what goes on there and I know it won't help in the long run. They might force me to gain weight while I am there, but the issues will still remain and I'll come out and lose it all again. Even my doctor agrees with me on this.
The other night I spent hours online trying to find some other source of help and I found a private clinic quite close to where I live. There was a case study on the website and the treatment was much more what I believe is likely to actually help all aspects of the anorexia. On K's suggestion I emailed them and someone replied suggesting I contact my GP to seek PCT approval for funding.
I have emailed them again with some other questions. I don't know if this would even be a possibility, or if I can even face going there if treatment could be funded. I know there would have to be a way to guarantee my current daily contact with K or I couldn't cope. But I am trying to access some help.
This is the only option I believe is available to me at present. I've explored all other options of NHS help and there is none available. What else am I meant to do? I want and need help, but I feel stuck because I am also petrified that getting better means losing K. I just don't know how to get past this:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">But you’ve been listening to her for over a year now, you’ve reached and surpassed numerous of her goals, I don’t think she’s worth giving the benefit of the doubt to any longer.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
But that is because I haven't reached her ultimate goal yet. All the others have just been the minor ones along the way. How can you be so sure that listening to her won't lead me to what I am looking for?
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think having thoughts like that – that whatever happened yesterday was your fault because you ignored Edie and ate something ‘unsafe’, and that you have to listen to her in future to avoid it happening again – are just plain delusional.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Surely this isn't delusional but learning from past mistakes? I know what happened yesterday was my fault for ignoring Edie and now I am paying the price for it. If I hadn't been so weak and caved in then none of that would have happened.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">What makes a person blow themselves up on a train or fly a plane into a building?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I'm not sure I like being compared to someone who does something like that[:O].
I know I am fat and I DO need to starve myself now to make up for it. I need to lose the weight I have undoubtedly gained and some more to reach Edie's target. If I don't then I have ruined everything and will never find the happiness I am looking for and will never be with K:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
It is true that all Edie's previous targets have been ultimate goals too but I guess she still doesn't think I am 'good enough' to deserve the things I desire most. I don't yet deserve to be happy, or even just less unhappy and depressed than I am now. I don't deserve K's love, or care, or attention. I don't deserve to be with her.
When I get to the point when I am good enough and worthy enough, then I am sure she will let me stop.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I guess it’s because I can remain emotionally detached from the situation. I know I can be emotionally irrational at times too, and at those times you can be the uninvolved voice of reason who can always see sense.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It is true that taking the emotion out of the equation allows for a balanced and rational view of the situation. K is frequently telling me that my thoughts about my own situation are completely delusional, but I am completely rational when it comes to giving advice to others. Sometimes I think the fact that she considers me delusional at all must mean I am losing it completely.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I can’t help feeling that what you’re trying to do is just trying to do what has continually not worked before, only this time trying to do it harder. In theory that can only produce even more unsatisfactory outcomes.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I guess so but I don't know any other way of doing things. Nothing else has worked in the past. At least when I listen to and obey Edie I do feel better about myself and don't hate myself quite so much. It is when I go against what she wants by eating that I feel I am completely worthless and deserve to punish myself with all these potentially dangerous behaviours.
Finally yesterday evening I managed to get some sleep but woke with a migraine and still have this now. I don't think this is anything to do with being ill as such though and is just caused by hormones.
As I didn't manage to starve myself completely yesterday and had more to eat than I wanted, I ended up using more laxatives again to get rid of the food. I wanted to make myself sick really and get rid of the food that way but I know this is also a dangerous habit to start and I am not always successful in managing it anyway.
It is much safer, I believe, to simply restrict what I eat rather than use methods to get rid of food that I don't think I should've eaten. So today I have renewed determination to restrict rather than overeat and then purge. I think after the past few days it is probably too much to expect myself to be able to starve myself completely because my body has become used to getting food, but I am not going to eat any unsafe foods today. Doing this just makes me spiral further into despair and then take drastic measures to get rid of it.
I've just had breakfast of 2 low calorie crackers (they're great at only 18 cals each) with marmite and a few raspberries, after reaching my goal of waiting for 6 hours - I've been up since midnight. Now I aim to go another 6 hours before having anything else.
I know I can do this if I keep busy and distract myself from the hunger pangs. I have been doing it for well over a year and just need to get back in control and into the habit of ignoring the way my body feels.
So, if it is a nice day again, I am going to clean the car and do some weeding and tidying up in the garden. This will help to burn off some calories too.
Today I am going to take control and not let myself get stuck in the binge/p
Hannahlou84
11-10-05, 07:50
Oh, Karen, I am sorry you are feeling so bad again. The joy of K being back seems to be rather short-lived... Does it always work like this?
I wish you could see that you will never be good enough for Edie, as she seems to reflect the part of you that hates yourself the most.
I do understand the feelings about needing to get rid of food, and I know it is hard to resist, but you need to keep trying.. Perhaps restriction, a diet perhaps, one not as harsh as what you were doing before is the way forwards?
Is there anything you can do to distract you when you have eaten? Is your progress such that your friend has been able to see it? Maybe she can help with this a little? Could you spend some time with her and her daughter?
If your doctor is agreeing with you, I definitely think that NHS-funded private care may be a way forward. Is there anyway you could contact her to discuss this? Or will you be seeing her again soon?
Karen, you know you are not fat by people's concerns, and people thinking you have other illnesses, would it help you at all to type or write out Edie's threats until they seem silly? Or to write them out, and then answer them back? Making it seem silly. That's what I do when I am really struggling, if i can find the strength and it usually helps.
Take care,
Hannahxxx
"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"
Thanks for your reply Hannah.
It is not the joy of K being back which is short-lived because I feel better when she is around, but I still am desperate to be with her. I would do anything to be with her and Edie is trying to help me achieve this.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I wish you could see that you will never be good enough for Edie, as she seems to reflect the part of you that hates yourself the most.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Maybe, although when I do want Edie tells me to do and when I obey her I actually feel a bit better about myself. It is when I ignore and disobey her that I hate myself more.
Unfortunately, nothing distracts the terrible feelings I have when I've eaten. Apart from the way it makes me feel emotionally, there are also the physical symptoms and I am not able to ignore either of these. I feel like I shouldn't have eaten in the first place and then want to get rid of it.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Is your progress such that your friend has been able to see it? Maybe she can help with this a little? Could you spend some time with her and her daughter?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I haven't seen my friend in about a month or so I think. She is really busy and still gets upset when we meet up and so I don't see her very often. It is now just the occasional text message or email.
Regarding the private clinic, I am waiting for some further information from them, but I don't really know what is the best way forward with this. I don't want to admit how bad things have been because I haven't been telling her everything. I am scared she will just want me to go to the NHS eating disorder unit. I see her every 2 weeks, so am due to see her again at the end of next week.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Would it help you at all to type or write out Edie's threats until they seem silly? Or to write them out, and then answer them back? Making it seem silly.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks for the suggestion but they don't seem silly to me. I believe what Edie says because I believe this is the only hope I have of getting what I am so desperate for. I don't think there is any other way.
I'm not sure I am going to be able to do any of the things I wanted to get done today. At the moment I am feeling very faint, light-headed and shaky[xx(].
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Do you think you are listening to Edie more at the moment because you are afraid to get better in case this means you will lose K's support.
If that is in your mind then get rid of it fast, as K would be made up if you got better and it would be much more likely that she would stick around rather than the opposite!!!!!!
Love Piglet :)
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Do you think you are listening to Edie more at the moment because you are afraid to get better in case this means you will lose K's support.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Kind of. I don't think I would lose her support, but I do think it will mean less contact than I currently have[:I].
This is just one aspect of the anorexia though, but I guess I have to admit that it helps to keep me stuck where I am.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm feeling much more in control today having managed to keep to my strict restriction of food[Yeah!]
I feel so much better when I don't eat too much and have been able to keep a tight control of my calorie intake. This is the only way I can avoid actions like taking laxatives.
I would rather be able to survive without eating anything really but even I know that it isn't possible to do that for too long. But feeling empty is much more preferable to the way I hate myself so much when I've eaten too much.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
As Piglet has said and you said in your reply to Hannah, you seem to see Edie as a way of being with K again, but to quote Piglet, K would be more delighted to see you ignoring Edie and getting a little stronger than to hear the opposite
Please, do try and focus on this.
Thinking of you - Glad to see your recent post was a little more positive.
Remember we are all here sending you good vibes and many rays of positive sunshine :D:D
Take care
Elaine XX :D:D
Hi Elaine
Thanks for your message.
I only manage to feel more positive when I am able to successfully restrict food, like I did yesterday. This helps me feel more in control and also better about myself.
Now I am determined to stick to the couple of foods that are safe and not to eat more than the maximum calories I allow myself during the day. This is the way I can get rid of the disgusting fat and lose this excess weight.
I do know K wants me to be well and in a way I know that continuing with restricting and actively trying to lose more weight is letting her down. However, at the same time, I also believe this is what will allow me to be with her.
If I continue with this I believe she will come and look after me and I can be with her and be happy.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Everything is going wrong at the moment and I can't handle any of it. I feel K is slipping through my fingers and in order to try to hold on and deserve her attention, I have to do better with losing weight. I just don't know any other way.
Edie wants me to lose another 7lbs and I know I have to do it. I can't resist her, even if it kills me getting there. Nothing else will help me get closer to K, or to feel any better.
I am exhausted now after clearing up around the house and cleaning right through ready for the purchaser's surveyor. Now I'm feeling light headed and have chest pain again, but this is probably because I am anxious. Why can't they give a time? It could be anytime between now and 3pm - a whole 3 hours to panic in. And I've had to get up and dressed, when all I feel like doing is lying in bed.
Also I got upset early because when I emptied the vacuum cleaner bin it was full of my hair. It just brought home to me how much is falling out and I know it is my own fault and I'm causing it.
Then after finally making the effort to wash my hair, after not bothering for a week, just like I can't really be bothered to do anything, loads more fell out when I was washing it. Then I got another handful when drying my hair. Even this doesn't stop me listening to Edie and doing what she says though.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose K because of what I'm doing to myself, but then I can't help believing Edie's promises that K will come to my rescue and that she will love me if I become worthy enough and get rid of the badness in my by losing more weight. To this end I sent for more diet pills because I need K now. I can't live any longer without her:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
If I can't be with K and if she doesn't love me then what's the point? There is no reason to even be here at all.
Everything is going wrong and already has gone wrong. Without K I have nothing and Edie might as well win. There is no point even trying to stop her. I might has well give her want she wants.
It seems like everyone has it in for me at the moment. Jac sent me a text and said my neighbour called round to see her this morning and asked whether Jac thought I should be hospitalised[:O]. What has it got to do with her? The sooner I get away from here the better. What if she finds out where Dad lives, or even knows, and calls on him next?
I just want to run to K and hide from everyone and be safe, but I can't so I don't know how to keep going anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
*what's the point? There is no reason to even be here at all.*
This doesn't sound like the positive Karen of last time I caught up with your posts, who was doing so well. You are letting Edie overtake you. She has taken enough of you already, don't let her have anymore.
You know Nigel is right, it won't make any difference to K at all, only to your health. Surely it would make her happy to know you are looking after your health by eating well??
Your neighbour is probably just concerned (although I am inclined to agree that it is none of her business!)
Please try and look after yourself. We are all rooting for you.
Tammy x
Hi Tammy
Sorry I am not feeling at all positive today. I just feel like everything is crashing down around me and I don't know which way to turn or what to do. I feel like giving in to Edie because she is going to get her own way in the end in any case.
If I can't be with K and she doesn't love, or even like me, then I have nothing to go on for anyway.
I'm also scared that even my neighbour is trying to get me into hospital. Whether she is concerned or not I don't want her talking to other people about me. It's not even safe at home anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Don't be sorry. Just to emphasise, I'm sure K would be more proud of you for overcoming this than anything else.
As for your neighbour it is understandable that you don't want her talking to people about you. I hate the thought of people talking about me as well. Put it obviously is just through concern.
The best thing you could do is show her she needn't be concerned.
Don't give in.
Tammy x
Sue K with 5
12-10-05, 21:51
Hi Karen
I just wanted to send my love and hope that things are feeling a little better for you, I know your still worried about K but I truely believe she is always going to be a part of your life so try not to worry.
If you ever need a shoulder give me a shout
Take care for now
Love sue with 5
scknight
Thanks for the replies Tammy and Sue.
Eventually I went back to bed but didn't sleep well, even though I took my sleep medication. I was dreaming about K and getting more upset thinking that I am hurting her and that I am going to lose her.
Sometimes I think maybe I should do what everyone wants and just eat, get fat and fail at something else. After all, I've failed at everything all my life. What does it matter if I feel more unhappy and distraught than I do now?
But I can't let go of the fear of losing K. And if I eat I know I will just feel more depressed and suicidal. How can I do that? How can I let go of the only chance I believe I have to be with K?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I don't seem able to do 'moderation'.
Anyway, I am feeling more hopeful that I can stop failing completely and now stick within my 400 a day calorie target because the diet pills I ordered came this morning. These should stop any more urges to binge and now I can lose this excess weight I've gained and the fat, and get back on target.
Eating isn't going to help me get any closer to K either. She told me she won't love me even if I eat, so I might as well at least feel a bit better about myself by being able to restrict food and lose weight. I might even be able to fast completely for a few days now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
The problem is Nigel that maybe I just don't care anymore what possible physical effects the pills have on me. I deserve whatever I get anyway.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">So if not eating or eating isn’t gonna make any difference, how about choosing the option that will be of most benefit to your continued well-being? I know it will feel worse (both physically and emotionally) for a while, but those feelings will soon subside.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 13 October 2005 : 12:43:37</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Eating and not using the pills will make me feel sooo much worse - and just for a short while either.
I need the pills. I need to be in control again and to stop failing at everything I do. I need to feel better about something and right now this is all I can feel better about.
The thought of never being with K is too much to cope with:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Karen this is Edie talking not you!!!!!
How would you be answering someone now who is saying the things you are saying.
You would never in a million years be advising them to use diet pills or to be losing anymore weight.
You would never ever say to me, "Piglet why don't you just stop at home if you feel too scared to go out and never bother to go out again".
We all slowly and in our own time need to face the fears that we have - Edie is a very bad voice and I'm so glad its you Karen that spurs me on and not her!!!
Please stop listening to her she is so wrong about everything.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Karen this is Edie talking not you!!!!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Is it? I don't know anymore. The lines have become blurred so that I don't know what is down to Edie and what is me. She is part of me. I created her and allowed her to take over my life and now I'm living with the consequences.
If I hadn't wanted to believe in her promises then I doubt she would be controlling my thoughts and actions so much now.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You would never ever say to me, "Piglet why don't you just stop at home if you feel too scared to go out and never bother to go out again".</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No, of course I wouldn't. However, K frequently points out to me that I am only delusional when it comes to thinking about my own situation and not other people's.
I wish I could stop listening to Edie. I do want her to go. I do want some help and to be able to stop doing these self-destructive things to myself. I just don't know how to stop when I feel so distressed about everything that is happening in my life. I feel so alone and that I have no one. I so desperately want to be with K and being told that it will never happen just makes me despair even more.
Right now I believe I deserve to be treating myself so badly and that I no longer deserve to live. I just think everything about me is bad.
There are the very rare occasions these days when someone says something that gets through to me - past Edie - and I can then see that if I carry on like this I am going to end up killing myself. At times like that I want to reach out for help and do something to change what is happening, but I just feel unable to actually do it. I feel it has gone too far and I don't know that I can now turn things around. I don't know what to do to get help and I remain so scared that doing anything differently means losing K forever.
So far I've resisted taking any of the diet pills, but the temptation is so strong and I know how much better and in control I feel when I do what Edie wants.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">There are the very rare occasions these days when someone says something that gets through to me - past Edie</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
So what kind of things do people say that beat Edie?
We have all said time and time again that you are lovely person, that you deserve a full and happy life, that you can pull through and so on.
Loads of people say such nice things about you. And they are not just to appease you - should your name come up in a private msn conversation, it is always in the highest regard, and you don't hear those words, do you.
Perhaps you need so much more love to beat Edie, is this it?
Now, flush those diet pills down the loo......
Be Strong,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Ray
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">So what kind of things do people say that beat Edie?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It is more dependent on who is saying those things rather than what is said.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Perhaps you need so much more love to beat Edie, is this it?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes, but not from anyone - I need love from K.
I haven't flushed the pills away and can't, but so far I have resisted taking any, mainly because K has asked me not to. But I still feel I need them and this is so very hard.
Taking the pills will help me feel more in control again and right now I need that. Everything is going wrong and I feel like it is all spiralling out of my control. The more I hear that K does not and will never love me, the more distressed I get and then I feel I need to take my despair out on myself by doing something physically destructive. I can't cope any other way.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Have just been catching up on your threads.
I'm very pleased to hear that you have managed not to take the slimming pills - they need to be filed away in the bin!
I know this is probably not what you would want to do, but deep down you must realise that these are not good for your health.
It is so very easy for us all to keep posting positive vibes are all that, but please don't ever underestimate that we all do try to understand how difficult it is for you.
But - to use Nigel's favourite word - 'Moderation', along with small steps, one at a time and all that.
You say you feel the lines are blurred between you and Edie - What you perhaps need to try and focus on again is that Edie is the voice in your head that is telling you the negative and that you are the positve, all the good.
You need to try and focus on the good - and believe me from reading what I have, there is plently.
Maybe we should all start listing the good for you to see!
Then the good will start to kick the bad (Edie) into touch.
K and everyone is routing for you - remember we are here for the long term!
Have you been able to get out and about at all this week?
Now, try a little something for breakie - maybe a slice of comforting warm marmite toast - a real favourite of ours!!
Take care
Elaine XX :D:D
Hi Elaine
Thanks for your message. I am feeling really low this morning and haven't slept in over 24 hours now.
I know K and everyone wants me to bin the pills but Edie just won't let me, and although I haven't taken any of them yet, I really feel I need to. Edie is telling me I need to.
One problem is that I think everything about me is bad and Edie is trying to help me become good by listening to her and following her instructions to starve and take the diet pills. Meanwhile, I am trying to listen to K and all my other friends and have been eating, but I feel so disgusted with myself for doing this. I don't think I should be eating.
I don't really remember what I've done this week. I did have to go into town one day earlier in the week - Tuesday I think, but have been at home since then. It is another miserable day here today and I need some sleep desperately.
But I can't sleep because I am thinking about K and getting desperate for contact again today already. Being with her is the only thing that will help me feel better and I am so distraught at the thought that this might not happen ever.
I need her so much.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
well done for avoiding the pills. When you are not listening to Edie you know that this is not the way forward - you just need to keep this thought pattern when edie is trying to convince you, but you know in your heart she is wrong and she can never take that away from you.
I know the weather too has not been helping, living in the same part of the country as you - these grey days are not particularly inspiring, however, we know that above the cloud is the sun. The sun is always shining and like us, we just have to get through the cloud.
thinking of you,
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Karen,
I am having major problems with my modem at the mo as you know, so if I don't get on for awhile in the next week it will be cos the computer has gone to the computer doctor.
Please do try a little something as I feel if you don't soon you could be really poorly and I would hate that.:(
Look at how many of us care - we all want you to beat Edie and we know you can!!!!!!
Love Piglet :)
Thank you for your messages Lisa and Piglet.
I spent the day in bed and finally got some sleep after taking double my sleep medication. I just needed to block everything out.
The thing is Piglet I am not ill and I have been eating. In fact I am sure I have been eating too much and I know I have gained weight.
So, from tonight, I am making renewed efforts to get back in control of this. I am not going to let the cravings get to me anymore. I am not going to continue with this binge/restrict cycle anymore. I am not going to put on any further weight and in fact aim to lose what I know I have gained.
My target calorie intake for today is 250 calories. I am going to keep this up until I am back where I was a few weeks ago. If that means taking the diet pills then that's what I will have to do.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
paladin806
15-10-05, 08:04
Hi Karen, was reading where you say taking the pills will put you back in control, but is this not surrendering control to Edie? Your strength comes from you NOT taking them! Why not take full control of this part of the problem, by taking the pills out of the equation by binning them? I have said be fore, i dont fully understand what you are going through, but i have seen your strength and determination help so many other people, and all of them want you to win this battle too.
You take care and give us all another taste of that strength by
putting edies pills in the bin where they belong. John.
"I heard someone calling my name one day, so i followed that voice down the lost highway"
Thanks for your message John.
I believe I am taking control again though by controlling my food intake and restricting so I can get back to how I was a few weeks ago. It is eating more and getting into this binge and fasting cycle that is being out of control.
Maybe the pills are Edie's tools but I do actually think she is trying to help me because when I am restricting and in control, I actually feel better about myself. Right now I despise myself so much for letting things slip. I have to turn this around again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Can't sleep again and just want to be unconscious so I can stop all these terrible thoughts that are going around in my head right now. I can't stand it.
Just want to do anything to get rid of the hideous fat. I hate myself so much for letting things slide so much. I fail at everything. I have to get rid of it any way I can.
I caved in and took the diet pills. It is my own fault for being so weak and letting these pounds creep on. I have to get rid of them and I need to do it now. It's no wonder K can't love me when I am getting so fat and have just proved that I am a completely failure and not even worth her friendship, let alone anything else.
Now I'm desperate to shift this and get back to how I was some weeks ago. I was calmer and more in control then. I loathe and detest myself now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sue K with 5
15-10-05, 14:32
Hi Karen
Hun! I have know you for a while now, and you have managed to control this on a few occassions and this one is no exception! I have every faith in you that you can beat this, I agree taking the tablets is not a good idea, but you could look like an elephant and K would not care, caring for someone is not about there external looks but what is in your heart and your soul! and K sees qualities in you that everyone on here can see as well!
I know the food issues are the biggest problem to you, but you will control them on a more structered basis! get your diet onto a health eating plan, salads and vegetables which are not fattening ! this way you are feeding your body all the nutrition it requires and whilst you lose the weight, you also feeding yourself something that is fat free, and cannot make you gain weight!! I have done this and it works, I lost 10ib just by eating salad, veggies and jacket pots and tuna for 4 weeks, it was great and I felt brilliant!
Dont lose hope, get that control back and fight it honey!! We all know you can do this and K will love you no matter what you look like, hey you wanna see my old man and I still like him ! K does love you Karen ! she really does !!!
Love and hugs
Sue with 5
scknight
Thanks for that Sue. I know K doesn't care what I look like but right now it makes me bad and worthless. The only way to ged rid of the bad in me is to starve it out. Right now I don't even think I deserve to live because I am so terrible.
I am sabotaging my own efforts to find happiness which has to involve losing the weight I've gained and reaching Edie's target - however or whatever I need to do to get there.
Think I am so desperate to feel in control again and believe there is a chance of being with K that I would do more than take these current pills. There are other types too and I am so tempted to get other to help in my struggle to do this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I can't cope with this any longer. I hate myself so much. I hate myself for what I am doing to K and other people I care about.
Just don't want to be here anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen,
are you sleeping at all? It is hard to see things clearly if you are not eating properly and have not had enough sleep. Your body needs these things to keep you going. Your physical state will obviously impact your emotional state.
Try and get some sleep if you can.
Try and have something to eat, even if it is one of your safe foods or some fruit.
Don't give up Karen.
Tammy x
Thanks for your reply Tam.
I am not sleeping that well but am managing to get about 3-4 hours. The rest of the time I just remain in bed fantasising about K mainly - it is so much nicer than having to face the realities of my life.
Although I am restricting food very strictly at present, I am eating something. I am just keeping to my 250 calories a day limit.
It is really hard at the moment because I feel so low and just feel like I have lost the will to fight anymore. It is too hard and I am not getting anywhere.
I also think I am hurting people more by being like this than if I wasn't around at all.
I know it is pathetic but I just want to be with K. I wish she was my Mum and could look after me. I can't do this alone anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi karen,
You are certainly not alone.. everyone on this forum is with you all the way - you must know that by now!!
And you are in a very negative frame of mind at the moment but this wont last, it never does.. you will feel better again - just not right at this moment but it will come..
look at the positives, that you are actually eating something! this is a huge improvement anyway so in that respect, things are improving by maintaining your weight. I'm really not keen on the idea of taking the diet pills as this could make you ill and none of us want this.
With all the invaluable help you have given me and many others it proves that you are needed. Sorry but so many people who come on here need the kind supportive words that you give them, so you can' t go anywhere!
your will to fight will come back Karen, you are just tired which is not surprising.. just rest up today and your will will come back.
and hey, the sun is shining! it made it thru the clouds and so can you!!
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your reply and the encouragement.
I do know that I have a lot of support here and people are with me. I suppose what I am desperate for is someone who cares to actually be here with me in person. I just cannot stop thinking about Mum rejecting me and how different things might be if I had some support from even one member of my family. But then I come back to thinking it must be my own fault and I am to blame that things are not different.
The really stupid thing is that in a way I have accepted that my own Mum doesn't care and I don't even really want it to be her that helps me now. I just want K, which I know is unreasonable but I can't help it. It is the way I feel.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">look at the positives, that you are actually eating something! this is a huge improvement anyway so in that respect, things are improving by maintaining your weight.
<div align="right">Originally posted by LisaS - 16 October 2005 : 14:17:27</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am not aiming to maintain my weight though - I am trying to lose weight and that is why I am restricting so much and taking diet pills. I don't think this is progress and I know it won't help me recover but I can't help myself. I feel terrible the way I am at the moment and losing weight is the only way I can feel any better.
BTW it's cloudy here:(
Sorry, I know I am being negative again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
was just wondering.. you said that losing weight makes you feel better.. does it??
how does it make you feel? and do you feel anyone is pleased with you that you have lost weight?
how does it make you feel when you put on weight? and do you feel anyone is pleased with you that you have put on weight?
im sorry about your mum - but that is absolutely nothing to do with anything you have done. she has truly missed out on knowing what a great, caring person you have become. we can all see that. didn't you say you had brothers? are they supportive at all, or have you told them how you feel?
i'm just sorry we are not with you in person, but we are with you in spirit!
take care,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Lisa
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">was just wondering.. you said that losing weight makes you feel better.. does it??
how does it make you feel? and do you feel anyone is pleased with you that you have lost weight?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Losing weight helps me feel in control. It is the one area of my life I do feel in control of when everything else is going wrong. I also feel like I am achieving something, so it helps me feel a bit better about myself.
Then there are all the other beliefs I have about finding happiness when I reach a certain weight and that K will love me when I get there. I believe I will be a better person and more worthwhile then.
No one says they are pleased with me when I lose weight, but I still feel it is a good thing.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">how does it make you feel when you put on weight? and do you feel anyone is pleased with you that you have put on weight?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
When I gain weight I absolutely loathe myself and feel I have failed at yet another area of my life. I feel disgusted with myself and believe I am totally revolting. I can see all the rolls of fat everywhere and want to hide away from everyone because I look so gross.
I feel like I am losing control and throwing away my only chance of real happiness and of being with the one person who means the world to me.
I also feel so bad and like I am the worst person in the world.
This is the first time in probably at least 18 months that I have gained any weight and no one has commented, probably because I have also started resorting to taking diet pills and other behaviours that no one approves of.
I appreciate your comments about my Mum. I suppose part of the problem is that I believe there is something so bad and rotten about me that even my own Mum can't or doesn't want to love me.
Yes, I do have two brothers and I have tried to talk to one of them a little bit about some of this but he didn't really understand. I rarely hear from either of them since the situation with my Dad and stepmum breaking up. This is no doubt my fault too.
I realise none of you can be here with me and I guess what I really want is K to be here anyway. She is the one my entire focus of attention is on and the one person I believe can help me now. Without her I just don't know what to do.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I don't think I can say anything that will help you, I so wish I could but just wanted to say I really feel for you and am thinking of you still.
Hang in there, things can get better again.
Lisa
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your post. I really appreciate your kind thoughts.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I am not feeling too well this morning. Everything was OK when I got up around midnight and I was fine all night until I had something to eat. I only had one crispbread but now I am feeling sick and faint, and I have a heavy feeling in my chest making it hard to breathe.
Don't know if I am going to make it to my appointment for the blood test this morning. I barely had the energy to get out of bed and come on here. I feel so tired.
I shouldn't have eaten. I was fine until then.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen,
thank you for explaining a few things to me..
I can't help wondering though why you blame yourself for things that have happened that are totally out of your control. It doesn't make sense that they can be your fault? Once you attribute the blame.... actually, I dont even think you can blame anyone.. what has happened has happened and nothing you or anyone could have made it any different. You should try and look at it from this logical perspective and then you can start to realise that NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE YOUR FAULT!
I know this will be a long process and I know I dont understand the half of what you have gone through, but I do know that it is possible to move forward positively. Anything is possible - that saying exists for a reason!
It seems that you have fitted K into a 'motherly' role to you, someone to look after you and I can almost understand why. She can help you and she has, but you need to hear her voice over Edie's voice.
I know you can do this Karen, and we all do on here. Just see progress as very small steps, it certainly aint going to happen overnight! but you have the strength to keep taking these steps.
like LJ said, things can get better again...
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your reply.
I blame myself because I think it is all my fault and I am so bad that I deserve everything that is happening to me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It seems that you have fitted K into a 'motherly' role to you, someone to look after you and I can almost understand why. She can help you and she has, but you need to hear her voice over Edie's voice.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I do see her in kind of a motherly role and it is the rejection by my own mum that seems to have sparked the attachment issue I have had most of my life. I need K and want her to look after me and care for me the way a mum would, even though I know it is unreasonable to want her to do this. I just need her so much.
I made it to the doctor's for my blood test and have spent most of my time since coming home lying in bed.
I'm going to look at some studio flats with Jac this afternoon but it is the last thing I feel like doing. If I had been going alone I would have cancelled but I can't mess Jac about after she was kind enough to make time to go with me. I'm still feeling sick and faint though. Luckily I don't have to drive as we will have Jac's daughter with us so it is easier to go in Jac's car with the childseat in there.
Guess I am also feeling worse because I also left a letter for my doctor asking for her help to apply for funding from the PCT for treatment at a local private clinic. I am really scared now, particularly as I wrote more detail in that letter than I have ever told her before. I admitted the truth about everything, but now I am petrified that she will want to admit me to an NHS psychiatric ward or eating disorder unit, and I just can't go there.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I am so proud of you for writing that letter to your doctor and leaving it for her to read. That is such a step in the right direction and took alot of courage, well done. You did the right thing. I hope you get the funding you need.
Hope the househunting went well too.
Lisa
Karen,
Writing and leaving that letter for your doctor was an extremely brave action for you to take in order to reach out and finally get some professional treatment in order to start to try to overcome your issues.
It must have been a very hard letter to write so very well done indeed Karen.
Meg x
Thank you Meg and Lisa for your encouragement and support. I know it has taken me a while, well a long time really, to ask my doctor for help and be completely open about my anorexic thoughts and actions. I wouldn't be able to do any of this without all the support I am receiving here, from K and my friends from my other forum.
I know I have such a long way to go because even though I have asked for some professional treatment, there is so much of this anorexia that doesn't actually want me to improve or change at all. I also don't know whether it is going to be possible to get funding for this clinic. I am trying to do something to help myself for once though.
Writing that letter was one of the hardest things I have had to do because I am still so frightened about what might happen next. Apart from being scared of the treatment itself, I am so scared about being cut off from K and of any NHS hospital treatment being forced on me. i agonised all night about whether to hand the letter in but in the end thought what K, Meg and other people have been saying to me. I hope, for once, I might have done something K can be pleased with me for.
Thanks for your good wishes for my flat hunting Lisa. This didn't go so well and I am feeling quite despondent about the situation tonight. I am getting worried that I am going to be homeless pretty soon unless I can find something quickly.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Just wanted to say that's the best post I've read from you in a long time.
Really truly and sincerely well done.
First Anxiety...then panic attacks...now GAD and depression...now working on a better future!
Hi Karen,
Computer still problematic but i just wanted to say how brave you are for writing the letter - that was an incredible step forward.[Wow!]
So proud of you (hope that doesn't sound patronising).[Yeah!]
Love Piglet :)
Thanks Desperate and Piglet.
Not patronising at all Piglet!
I am so very cold this morning. Having problems getting warm again, despite loads of warm layers and sitting in bed with the duvet over me. I've also had a bath to try to warm up but I am still freezing.
Feeling quite low today and worrying about what will happen with my doctor and also about the house move. Just feeling generally overwhelmed by it all really.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're feeling chilly today. Have you got any heating on? It definitely is cooler today anyway, it is here at least. Or maybe try a hot water bottle in bed. Hope you warm up anyway.
Sorry the househunting didn't go too well, something will turn up though.
I can imagine you must be feeling really overwhelmed and scared about the doctors but you really did do the right thing. I hope it all works out and that you get the help you need.
Thinking of you,
Lisa
Hi Lisa
Glad I am not the only one who thinks it is much colder today. Yes, I have a hot water bottle but haven't put the heating on yet - trying to save money.
Thanks for the good wishes for getting some help from my doctor. I just hope the private clinic is a possibility - even though I am so scared of going there too - but it is the chance she might want me to go to an NHS one that it terrifying me presently.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen!
I just wanted to say hello and ((((((((hugs))))))))) for taking a brave step to write that letter!!
Thinking of you!!
Love,
Andrea
"Honey, if ya ain't feelin' the bumps in the road, ya ain't goin' nowhere!" (A wise Georgia Granny's take on living life to the fullest! LOL!)
Thanks Andrea.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
18-10-05, 13:29
Karen
Well done on the letter :D
Any news from the doctor yet atall?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thanks Nic.
No, nothing from my doctor yet but I only took the letter in yesterday.
She might wait to discuss it with me at my appointment next Monday. Hopefully that will be a good sign that she isn't going to admit me as an emergency. I will panic more if I hear from her before then.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Well done on that letter Karen!
However its done, you must be treated so that you can sustain an increase in food intake to keep you going. Today has been colder, but winter is not here yet and so you must take steps to look after yourself and ensure that your body is warm. And I don't mean having a hot water bottle or a thick coat, although that will give some comfort temporarily.
Any mother figure will want you to get back in good shape and so K must want you to eat more to build you up. I feel there has to be a comprimise here, but at the end of the day your physical wellbeing must win over what you can or cannot face.
When I was 11, I was in an isolation hospital for three weeks and hated every minute of it. But it was necessary. And the same applies to you.
I really hope that one day you will post here and say that the pain of the treatment, the absence of K, was worth it for you to be a well girl again. You have some much ahead of you, that you can enjoy should you beat the barriers that lay before you.
Being honest with the doctor was a fabulously brave step.
But you'll have to be brave again.
You're worth it!
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Karen,
just want to join everyone in saying a big well done to you. you are so brave and strong and have done so well to do that. It must have taken a lot from you. and well done for being honest with her... i think this is the only way you can move forward by being honest..
I really hope something beneficial and positive comes out of it.
as for the house hunting - its never easy! and you're probably not in the best frame of mind to look at them anyway.. just make sure they have central heating!! yes it is colder today! i have my big woollies on today! sexy - not!
well done again honey,
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your reply.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">as for the house hunting - its never easy! and you're probably not in the best frame of mind to look at them anyway.. just make sure they have central heating!! yes it is colder today! i have my big woollies on today! sexy - not!
<div align="right">Originally posted by LisaS - 18 October 2005 : 18:46:04</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No, I am probably not in the best frame of mind to be house hunting at present.
Finding a flat, even a small studio, within my budget which has central heating is also virtually impossible. This is another big problem because I know I will freeze without it.
I too hope something positive comes out of the letter to my doctor.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Ray
Thank you for your post.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">However its done, you must be treated so that you can sustain an increase in food intake to keep you going.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't agree with the however it's done statement. I am trying to access help but not at any cost.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Today has been colder, but winter is not here yet and so you must take steps to look after yourself and ensure that your body is warm.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes, I know I have a real problem with feeling the cold and I don't know how I will get through winter as I am at present, but at this moment in time I also cannot eat more or differently than I am.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Any mother figure will want you to get back in good shape and so K must want you to eat more to build you up.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Of course K wants me to be well and to recover from this. She is one of the main reasons I have written to my doctor and helps give me strength to keep going. Without her I would not be seeking help now. I am still not able to do this for myself or my own wellbeing.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I feel there has to be a comprimise here, but at the end of the day your physical wellbeing must win over what you can or cannot face.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am sorry but I don't agree. I am still not going to an NHS psychiatric ward or eating disorder unit. There is no point because I won't get the help I need there and being in an environment where I don't want to be, am parted from K and have no control of anything will just make things worse.
They might succeed in making me gain weight, but I know I would come home determined to lose it all again. This is not going to help me recover.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I really hope that one day you will post here and say that the pain of the treatment, the absence of K, was worth it for you to be a well girl again.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
The pain of being away from K is not worth it. I cannot even cope with the thought of this happening and if it came to a choice of doing this with or without her, I would rather stay at home and keep my contact with her. I cannot go through treatment without her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I am struggling tonight and feeling low. I went to bed and slept for a while but kept having nightmares and still feel exhausted now. Plus my neighbour is banging around next door, so that makes it even more difficult to sleep.
Haven't heard from K either and so I am feeling really distressed about that. I just don't cope well without contact with her:(.
I just want to be able to sleep and block everything out but I can't even escape when I am asleep because of these nightmares. Don't know how to get through tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Just wondering if you'd heard back from the doctor yet about the letter??
Love Piglet :)
Sorry you were feeling bad last night Karen. I hope you got some sleep. I fully understand how annoying nosiy neighbours are.
How are you today?
Lisa
Hi Piglet & Lisa
Thank you for your replies.
No, I haven't heard anything from my doctor yet, but I have an appointment with her next week so she might wait until then to discuss it with me.
I haven't had much sleep, nor have I eaten anything today. I can't face it and the diet pills make it so much easier as I don't even feel hungry really. I am just drinking loads of water.
Restricting so much helps me feel better because I hope I am losing the weight I gained when I binged, although I doubt anyone else thinks it is good. I just need to get rid of this weight and fat.
I'm also obsessing a lot about K today and keep checking because I haven't heard from her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Just been catching up on your threads.
Now that I'm back at work, I seem to have less time for me!
I'm really glad to hear that you took the very brave step of putting in writing what has been going on for your doctor - This was very brave and a huge positive step! K would be so very proud - Your taking control of things!! :D
As for the house hunting - always takes time, so try to not worry too much, the right place is out there for you!
As for the weather, autumn is definately here - time for those cosy bed clothes again. What about some lovely fluffy and cosy bed socks?
I noticed you haven't eaten much today. You know you need food for fuel to help keep you a little warmer - just try something light again - maybe a slice of lovely toast and marmite - I am just imagining the smell of warm toast and marmite! mmmmmmmm!
Keep positve about seeing your doctor on Monday and make a note of anything further you may wish to mention - If you're anything like me, I leave my brain at home when I go to the Docs!!!
Take great care of yourself.
sending you lots of love and warmth!!
Elaine XX :):)
Hi Elaine
Thanks for your reply.
It is too difficult to eat now because I am panicking. There is a bad storm here and it is also pouring with rain. Everytime this happens I lose my internet connection.
This is bad enough in itself, but I haven't heard from K today and am now worried that even if she replies this evening I won't be able to read her message.
I have been obsessively checking for her all afternoon and evening, and feel even more upset because I've seen her online elsewhere loads of times. Feel like I have done something wrong and she doesn't want to reply, or maybe I just don't deserve to hear from her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I cannot go through treatment without her.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Fair enough - I hope that whoever treats you takes this on board and ensures you have internet access to reach her. The treatment you need is psychological and just not pumping you full of nutrition.
I noticed you disagreed with me on one or two points which is fine. But I'm mighty glad you didn't counter my "You're Worth It" argument!
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Ray
Thanks for your reply.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Fair enough - I hope that whoever treats you takes this on board and ensures you have internet access to reach her. The treatment you need is psychological and just not pumping you full of nutrition.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I agree with this and arranging internet access will need to be a condition of me agreeing to treatment. Otherwise I can't do it.
It is because I know this problem requires psychological help and not being fed up with food that this clinic sounds so much better than any NHS unit. I don't want to be forced to eat when my problems are not caused by food but by the emotional problems I've been having that led to this.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I noticed you disagreed with me on one or two points which is fine. But I'm mighty glad you didn't counter my "You're Worth It" argument!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I think everyone already knows my view of myself already.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Have now had something very light to eat. Not because I wanted it, or even believe I need it, but because I know K would want me to have something, as I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours. I really am not even hungry though.
I am getting more and more upset about not having heard from K and still panicking about being cut off from her too. I need her:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Glad you have decided to write to your GP and hope you get a reply really soon, and you find a solution that will work for you.
At the risk of upsetting you further (and I certainly don't want to do that), my personal feeling on this (for what it's worth) is that you should also try and do some self esteem work.
I appreciate that K is a very important part of your life, and her friendship has been invaluable, and that is good. Everybody needs somebody (as I think the Blues Brothers said).
However, and I feel I can "lecture" you here, as I've been working through it myself, you also have to want to do it for you. You need to feel that YOU are worth it. YOU are a great person in your own right, but have suffered numerous set backs that have made your life so difficult. Your lack of eating is of great concern to many of us, although it is a subject that I don't feel I can broach easily with you, particularly having had close hand experience in the past, I am very wary of saying the wrong thing.
Still I really feel that you need to start challenging your thinking and try and eat enough all day so that you have the strength to fight your problems. Look on food as fuel. You wouldn't be able to drive to meet ups with no petrol! It doesn't mean that you have to drive round with a full tank all the time, but you do need enough to get from A to B.
I hope that the doctor replies soon, and that you do manage to get a place on the treatment that you want
Love
Charlie
Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!
Hi Charlie
Thanks for your message and you haven't upset me at all. I agree with you about the self esteem issues and know I do have problems in this area too. The trouble is I don't know how to start addressing it because nothing helps me feel better about myself - apart from starving myself and losing weight. The rest of the time I feel completely worthless and that I don't even deserve to be here.
At present I can only try to eat for K and seek help because she wants me to. I don't feel I can do it for myself or that I am worth saving.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Your lack of eating is of great concern to many of us, although it is a subject that I don't feel I can broach easily with you, particularly having had close hand experience in the past, I am very wary of saying the wrong thing.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am sorry that I am causing concern to people here because that certainly isn't my intention. I try to eat but I panic and feel out of control. When I was craving sweet food and eating too much I really hated myself and feeling myself getting fatter and then realising I had gained weight was too much to cope with.
The therapist I have been seeing said that I was craving things like chocolate because my body is crying out for energy, and Meg has told me this too, but I just felt like I had failed by giving into this and the weight went on so quickly it really scared me.
Now I have been severely restricting since Saturday I have lost the weight I put on and am feeling a bit better about myself and more like 'me' again. I just don't know how I will ever be able to cope with gaining weight and now am having serious doubts about the clinic and going for treatment. I don't think I can do it. My self esteem is low enough as it is and will be even worse if I get fat.
The only reason I managed to eat anything at all yesterday was because I knew K would want me to. She talks about giving my body fuel and nutrition too and I have tried to see it like that, but it just doesn't really help. I still know I am eating and that the food means I am taking in calories and therefore not achieving my objective of losing weight.
I think people are getting frustrated and exasperated because I am not eating much and not doing anything to help myself. I am feeling so upset at the moment when I think that I am making people get fed up with me.
I seem to take one tiny step forward like with the letter to my doctor the other day but then take three steps back. One minute I get messages telling me that I was brave and how proud they are but the next I am ruining it all again and letting them down. However, to me I let myself down when I eat. I just can't seem to get past this.
All morning I have been checking for K again because I am so distressed again this morning and need her so much. I feel like I can't go on anymore.
I also had a letter from the solicitors dealing with my house sale asking me about possible completion dates. It is all running away from me and I have no idea what is going to happen or where I am going to live. I am scared of being homeless but at the same time I just feel everything is so hopeless that it doesn't matter anyway. I am not able to motivate myself to do anything about it.
Sorry I don't mean to be so negative all the time. I just feel like maybe I am reaching the end of the road.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluesparkle
20-10-05, 13:05
hi karen...
i dont really have any advice but i just wanted to let you know that i am still here reading... and watching to see how you are doing...
you know alot of people care about you and i sometimes read your post and think i so wish i could help in some way... but i know it doesnt help when things are really bad but you are in our thoughts.
i read about k and as you know i have had some issues with a certain someone that have got slightly better but today i just want to stamp my feet and get my own way lol and make it all better... so although not the same i do really feel for you when you write about how you feel about k. and the desperate needing to be with them... i know i could write 100 things but i just want you to know im thinking about you and hoping that things soon start to get better for you.
hang on in there
take care
rach
x
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.