Agoraphobia - Trust , Confidence & Jealousy

[Aff]

Hi everyone.
Posted in the Introduce Yourself forum earlier. I was just wondering if any other agoraphobics out there have problems with jealousy and trust? Recently (about 4 months now), I got involved in my first relationship. My girlfriend knows everything and has been a great support to me since she was a friend before we became more. Within the relationship, I find myself constantly getting jealous and not trusting her. It's not a place I like being and we've talked about it until we're both blue in the face. I love her and I know she loves me. I find my confidence is also rock bottom and I'm pretty sure it all ties in with the agoraphobia. Has anyone else had similar problems and is it normal or have I just got jealousy etc issues?

Any help greatly appreciated.

[Helena]

It seems to make a lot of sense to me. If you are suffering with agoraphobia, you are likely to have an anxious/negative thinking style (also if you can't trust your environment how can you trust the people in it?). This may influence the way you think about other parts of your life. I don't know how you deal with your agoraphobia, but if you avoid exposing yourself to feared situations then the anxiety is maintained, in the same way the more you try to control your relationship with your girlfriend the more your belief in her ability to be unfaithful and your anxiety about this are maintained. All you can practically do with any phobia is exposure yourself to feared situations in a controlled way whilst attending to your thoughts and challenging unrealistic negative thoughts. It is the same with your girlfriend - you have to allow her her freedom and work on your own negative thoughts (she can help you with this). If you try to control the situation and continue with this jelousy you will create a self-fullfilling prophecy and end up driving her away. Have a look at 'Feeling Good: the new mood therapy' by David Burns, it's not specifically for anxiety problems but tells you how to challenge negative thinking styles. Also, when your own confidence is low it is hard to see why someone would want to be with you. If you can try to think of some achieveable goals so that you can feel better within yourself this may help. Also remember if you are faithful to her then you know it can be done, she is going out with you for a reason so there must be something good about you and thinking isn't the same as doing: you can't control her thoughts, but you do have the right to expect her not to do anything about them if she wants to be with you.

[Aff]

Thank you for the reply. It makes sense to me too. It's just nice that someone else thinks the same. My girlfriend can see how it would all tie in with the agoraphobia too. I'm thankful that she understands, at least tries anyway.

To answer some of your points, I dealt with my agoraphobia by going on an eight week anxiety management course. This started when I was about 20. I left College at 18 and basically sat around doing nothing for two years. Those two years really got to me and that's when my agoraphobia really came to the surface. After the anxiety management, I worked one-on-one with someone to help me get out of the house. My main problem was not being able to go out alone although I was never comfortable out of the house anyway. After two years, we got to a point where he could no longer help me and I had to take the next steps for myself. It's been much more difficult that I'd anticipated.

Reading what you say about working on this with my girlfriend makes perfect sense. I'd say the jealousy is more of an issue than the trust though. I know she'd never cheat. It's just not her. I know she loves me. I know all that. But for some odd reason, I still get jealous. That's something to do with my rock-bottom self-confidence. We've talked about ways of getting around things and how we can work on them but are coming up with nothing really. That's why we've turned to this board and people who hopefully understand. She reads this board with me and we're off to the library today to see if they have that book that you mentioned.

Reading your message made so much sense to me and sitting here, it's perfectly rational and easy to say that I will trust her and not get jealous again but when it comes to it, I can't do it. The fact that I can't do it makes me feel worse about myself too. The thinking behind everything is what gets me... everything in the bottom 1/3rd of your message are things I know but they just don't work or add up in my head. It's very strange. The thinking that I do concerns me. She'll say something and in my mind I'll be saying things like "Yeah right!" and "You're only saying that to justify the fact that you do..." or "I don't believe you!" and even if those words that I'm thinking in my mind AREN'T true, I fool myself into thinking that they are. It hurts her and it hurts me. It's just such a huge thing. I don't know where to start.

[tate]

hi. i am new to this board and know exactly how you feel as i feel the same too. i get very jelous and mistrusting to my boyfriend all the time and i think it has a lot to do with that he goes out and i do not. i feel if i was comfortable to go out with my friends again and go out for meals with him, things would be better. i hate being stuck in by myself all the time. i used to be so outgoing and confident. i dont know what has happened to me but i hate it.

[Joanne]

hi tate/all,

i also went from being confident,outgoing,life+soul of the party..... to RECLUSE overnight. After a panic attack, age 19.
I left my studies- got a bar job soon after and spent a vast amount of the time drunk, unfortunately. I met my bf there...and we moved in together as i got pregnant. I was TERRIBLE to him. I wouldn't let him go out- I was jealous of him going to work,in case he happened to glance at another woman. It was so destructive to our relationship...on top of that I was quite panicy then...and I wouldn't even have his family over...because i couldn't cope with interacting socially!! Poor guy put up with me for ages. I look back and wonder if it was just my age making me paranoid...or if it was related to my anxiety.? we couldn't even go out together, as i would start on him. i was a night mare. I have learnt that jealousy is soul destroying. I am single now...and If I did meet Mr.right....I'd be a lot more relaxed in the relationship. ultimately- if someone wants to be 'with' you, they will.
You probably feel resentful of your bf because he is able to go out/ socialise. Where you dont have that choice- because of the panic.
Try going to a quiet local place- or a quiet beer garden instead of him going out socialising without you. Or how do you cope in cinemas? Alternatively- you could arrange nights in. Plan takeaways, films..etc. Thats what I did. Luckily- because i am an online junkie;) I can keep occupied for hours each night...just by sitting here in my dining room!

Right. Now you all know how I sadly spent my early 20's [V]....I'll go and make a cuppa tea. :-)
email me anytime you want to chat,
Joanne x (joanne4248@aol.com)[:I]

[tate]

joanne you are so right. i can spend hours on this computer, all day even. i do resent my boyfriend and it is so frustrating. went to a beer garden last night and only felt terrible so he had to bring me home. i feel so useless

[Joanne]

no- you're not useless. I used to feel exactly the same. Have you seen a doctor? Looking back- I think I should have seen a doctor when I started getting attacks. It might have saved my relationship- and made me enjoy those years I 'lost'.

Could you try to arrange an outing with a good friend? Even if it's just walking somewhere- and back. It's the first step. Planning/ meeting/ talking/ going home. Do your friend's know how you feel?

Could you start a course from home? I did an open university course ( health and social welfare) and enjoyed it. I am thinking about doing a computer course soon- ( when my little one goes off to nursery).
You could do yoga at home. It will relax you- and make you feel physically better. I bought a Jane Fonda yoga video from Amazon.
I am on msn (joanne4248@hotmail.com) if you want to chat.
hugs, Joanne x

[bishop]

hi tate /joanne
im also studying at home,on tapes and video aswell as computer,doing three courses,great fun good luck
bish

[nomorepanic]

Hi all

I think my self-confidence has been knocked over the years by the panic and anxiety and I lost a lot of self-respect too.

I am gradually rebuilding it by trying to make myself feel and look better - diet, exercise etc.

I think that if you look good on the outside you can start to sort out the inside problems too as you have more confidence.

Good luck to you all

Nicola

[chel]

im the same .im begining to get really horrible to my boyfriend and get alot of jealously. alot of it is to do with the fact i feel i hold him back, my self esteem and the fact im not the old lively me. i never used to be a jealous person and never doubted his love for me or not trust him or anything else. i think this is a part of the agoraphobia and the way we view ourselfs. on a bad day when all the 'im not good enough thoughts' are at worst i tend to be alot worst. luckly he understands and tries to help with these feelings, but i know it must be hard. and i think like joanne said it is alot of me being resentful of the fact he can do this things and i cant .