Hello All, I am a train driver who may have PTSD

[scutter]

Hello All.

My name is Tom and I am a train driver in London, I am Married with a little boy and some good friends and as a general rule my life is fairly good.

3 years ago I was driving my train from London to Cambridge when I hit 2 young lads who were messing about on the tracks. They were both killed instantly and I was looking right at them as they died. I will not go into to much detail about the aftermath but let’s just say I did not want to remain I the drivers cab.

I was left alone for nearly an hour until the police arrived and over 2 hours before my managers arrived and took me off the train. I had some brief counselling but after 3 sessions I was told that I had to go back to drive trains and that was that.

For the next year I was not to bad, the odd nightmare but nothing too serious. When ever I drove over the section I developed a habit of tapping the driving desks 3 times. (Stupid I know)

Then about 16 month later it was time for the coroners inquest, I was told it would be in December, but in November I received some disturbing news. A family member of one of the boys killed had been charged on 2 separate occasions with murder. He had only escaped conviction because the witnesses had disappeared. At this point I started to suffer anxiety to a fairly large degree. My wife told me that I went from being outgoing and extravert to being very insular and only wanting to sit on the sofa in front of the telly.

I started to make small mistakes at work, I forgot to stop at a station and on another occasion I overshot the platform. At this point I asked to see the railway councillor. I was sent to the Bupa wellness centre in London and after 4 sessions the physiologist recommended that I receive further treatment. My managers refused and I was sent back driving trains. The inquest came and went and fortunately the relative had been arrested for another incident and was not there.

But I was now starting to struggle, the nightmares increased and I started to become very paranoid, I believed that my firm was out to get me and that I was going to loose my job. I was always sick with colds and back pain and every day was a struggle to get up for work. The only reason I managed it was I had to go to work to earn money as I am the sole bread winner for my family.

I then made another mistake and I was temporarily taken off driving and sent on an arcadia course that teaches you how to ignore your home life while at work, it shows you how to lock away feelings. This helped me a bit and I went back to work.

This brings me up to the present day, About 3 weeks ago I was driving my train at night and I nearly hit a group of track workers. They were all standing in my path but managed to get out of the way before I hit them. Since then I have not been well, I have become increasingly paranoid and am not sleeping, I am dreaming not only about the original incident, but also about the phsyco family member who in my dreams is chasing me and my family. Yesterday I found myself in my garden getting fantastically angry at my manager. I was just weeding and started to think about how I had been treated and got myself into a terrible rage. So I went for a good long run and knackered myself out and that seemed to help. For the last few weeks I have been feeling numb and ambivalent to my family.

I have seen the Doctor and he has signed me off with stress, I am going back next week and am hoping that I can be sent to see a specialist. I have taken a few PTSD tests and score very highly in them. I am not interested in legal action I just want to understand what is happening to me and get some help.


Well that is my story and I would welcome any comments or advice and thanks for reading


Tom

[lorac]

Hi Tom

Welcome to the site, so sorry to hear you have been through this terrible incident, I can really relate to your problem because my husband had a suicide which involved two young lads many years back when he was driving his train and it knocked him for six. Glad you decided to join this site I think you will find lots of good advice and support on here.

Take care

Carol

[freudian nightmare]

Hello Tom,
Sorry to hear about what you've been through, there was something on the one show(midlands) last night about children messing about on train tracks and i thought to myself how upsetting it must be for the train drivers. Your story shows how under supported ones are after such events, similar to those who've suffered after the war and were misdiagnosed. Are there any support groups for ptsd sufferers like yourself? I hope you find the support you need and welcome to the site. Best wishes x

[bottleblond]

Hi Tom

I am the one who approved your post earlier today. Usualy i have a quick scan through and if the posts are ok, they are approved and the member can continue postsing. However your post really cought my attention and i read every single word.

My heart goes out to you because you must have been to hell and back under the circumstances. I think it is rediculous that the support you have had from you work place has been so limited. They need to remember that you are a victim in this and is effecting your daily life.

Could you perhaps contact your union official for advice on where you should go from here?


P.s Welcome to NMP Tom

Kind regards
Lisa
xx

[freakedout]

Hi Tom

Welcome to NMP

You have experienced a terrible trauma and with some of the symptoms you describe it does sound as though it could be PTSD although of course I am not in a position really to say that. Trauma can affect us in many ways and often they can affect us almost constantly during waking and sleeping hours. If I were you I would press for a specialist referral from the GP next week. It sounds as though you have coped extremely well under the circumstances however it also sounds as though you are struggling a lot and being under all this pressure and stress will not help. Please keep posting if it helps. I have experienced some very unpleasant things in the past, although nothing like what you have experienced, and recently had trouble with flashbacks, nightmares and other bizarre symptoms. Feel free to pm me if you like.
Freaky.

[NoPoet]

Bloody hell mate, what are all these people doing standing near the tracks? What a horrible, occupational hazard that is. The thing is, there is NOTHING you can do about that. You just drive the trains. People are fully aware of the perils of farting about near massive multi-ton vehicles that you can hear coming from 2 miles away. If they are ridiculous enough to put their own lives in danger, you CANNOT be responsible for such stupidity.


For the next year I was not to bad, the odd nightmare but nothing too serious. When ever I drove over the section I developed a habit of tapping the driving desks 3 times. (Stupid I know)
Nothing stupid about coping mechanisms mate, and maybe you are doing this out of an unconscious gesture of respect. To me, that says something about who you really are: you show respect for yourself and for the departed without even realising it. You have a good nature mate.

I recommend you try this therapy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing

This is recognised by the British NHS as a front-line treatment in cases of trauma and bad memories. The therapy has a fairly potent level of success and is worth looking into.

I'm so glad you stuck with your job and didn't let fear beat you. That is a very positive sign.

[eternally optimistic]

Hi Tom,

I am sorry that you have experienced this terrible terrible incident and sympathise with you very much.

I can relate to many of your issues you express. I am 41 now but was involved in a road traffic accident when I was 20. I was the only one to survive and the other three in the other vehicle all died. Even to his day, I find that all very hard to comprehend. It is all like a bad nightmare that happened to someone else.

I too felt very unwell and only managed to put this aside when I was put on citalopram several years ago.

It is very good that you are managing to assess your situation and begin to put the whole jigsaw together. I think this is truly important to get yourself back to where you want to be.

If you get the opportunity to have CBT, then that might help. I had this several years ago. I didnt discuss the accident but what had subsequently happened to me but I think talking about it with someone again would help.

I too had to wait for the coroners inquest, which luckily for me was quick coming around compared to your situation.

My biggest bit of advice would be to stay off of work for as long as possible, situation permitting.

I had a 5 week period off of work several years ago and it gave me breathing space. Your situation is much more different due to the incident happening there.

I wish you lots and lots of luck for the future and seek as much help as you feel you possibly need.

Whilst I did the same as you, try not to distance yourself from the ones who love you. Their support and understanding will help you through this situation.

I also found that my personality has taken many roller coaster rides and still is, I think..

Has the company you work for not got a counselling service which offers staff back up in these situations?

Anyway, I will say goodbye again.

Take care and keep smiling.

[Leslie]

Hi Tom,

I found light at the end of the tunnel if you will excuse the pun. After many years of problems from an incident, relief came through psychiatric treatment, which I posted on this site some time ago and now I am ok again.

Do take the advice above regarding contacting your Union in regard to this condition, the more support the better I feel and keep seeing your Doctor in regard to further treatment re PTSD in fact demand treatment.

Regards

Les

[Tommyrocker]

Hey Tom,
Thanks for posting. I know it isn't easy to tell the story or stories about the fatalities we experience working on the railway. The lack of support is astounding. There is an "are you a man or a mouse" attitude which only serves to take the pain deeper and more hidden. I was 21, 10 years older than the boy killed by my train. My first one. He and his friend were playing on a bridge when I came around the corner at 85 mph. I was the one who went back to find him. 26 years later I was still reliving his death and the others since. I had only one suicide but it was the other 6 people whom I hit, still alive, for a few minutes, never killed outright, who never left. .I saw them in my dreams , reaching for me, begging for help. Who could sleep after that
I finally got into a work place trauma program for treatment after I hit a huge truck at a crossing about 3 years ago. . After so many years of keeping it all inside and always getting right back into the seat after an accident, I couldnt take it anymore. The therapists and psychologist I saw basically saved my life.

The railway is an entity all to itself. How would they be able to keep people working if they told them the horrors that we experience on the tracks. The suicides are something but it's the preventable accidents when people just take a misstep, those are the ones that are the worst. And we see it all unfold as if in slow motion. No one ever hears about us. We are overlooked completely. It's the military and police who have the support for PTSD because we are I visible to the world.
I've become hyper vigilant, emotionally detached, angry , so sad, so very sad...
I isolated myself and got into some heavy duty drugs. When I started my therapy I quit all the crap I was doing to myself, cold turkey. I made a commitment to myself to do what it took, to tell my stories, no matter how bloody awful that was for me. It was hell but it had to be for me to start to feel better.
Tom, I would highly recommend therapy and more therapy. You've got PTSD.
You can always message me if you want to talk about this more. You aren't alone. It isn't normal to go back to work two days after seeing two boys get killed. It is normal to have such a visceral reaction to anything that reminds you of your trauma.
I'm still driving trains, still having near misses that make me almost $hit my pants and trying to process all of the lives lost before me.
Take care
Toma

[nomorepanic]

Hi Toma and :welcome:

Just to let you know this post is over 4 years old so the original poster will probably not see your reply.

[Tommyrocker]

A dollar short and a day late... Thanks for the welcome and bringing that to my attention!