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Antipodes
28-09-05, 10:43
I don't know if I should talk about this but I saw the earlier post about morbid thoughts and that's pretty much where I'm at.

I used to have a great life and then a traumatic event happened (I was the victim) but life went on. Eleven years later PTSD got me. Since then I have lost SO much - my job (a good one), my life savings, my superannuation and more recently my wife due left 6 weeks ago due to caregiver burnout. So now I'm completely alone. My wife does care about me but this has just worn her out, seeing me unemployed for over two years when I was such a high achiever (and salary earner).

I see a private psychologist regualrly and a good public health psychiatrist every 3 or 4 weeks. I have been on numerous meds and none have helped much (except one that was great for anxiety only - but not mood).

I'm finding I am living in a series of "this day" with no thought or expectation of a future. I'm scared that if I tell anyone how I'm really feeling, I'll be sectioned (as if that'd help). I'm also scared of carrying out these thoughts into deed.

So what does someone in this situation do? I don't know. I'm just living a series of "this day" and am so alone. I know if I say what I'm thinking people will say "don't" and I was really, really hoping that this new med - Effexor (that was promised to be a "good" one) was going to actually help. But it isn't and I've been on it for five weeks hoping to wake up one morning feeling "good". Life is just tedium vitae.

I'm an intelligent guy and I have read widely on depression but the things I'm supposed to be doing like notebooks, diary, challenges, tasks etc. all seems just too much - I procrastinate and lack the drive or energy.

Has anyone any similar experience that they've been there and clawed their way out of the black hole? I can't discuss this with anyone I know and I guess I should be asking this to my psychologist. But, I feel they're all (my wife and my psychologist) just expecting me to .... hence the daily calls I was getting for the first few weeks.

What can I do?

Karen
28-09-05, 16:09
Hi Antipodes

Sounds like you are having a really tough time at the moment and I can empathise with the way you are feeling. I have been there many times with thoughts of ending my life and believing there is no future. I have attempted suicide in the past but not for a number of years now, so I do understand the desperation that causes these kind of thoughts.

However, it is the depression which is causing you to think in this black and white way. It seems completely true to you that things will never get better and you are stuck in that black hole, but this need not be the case. It takes tiny little steps to start working your way back from this and no one would expect you to go from where you are now to feeling optimistic about the future overnight.

Have you been having any treatment for the PTSD specificially?

I doubt very much you would be sectioned for merely having these thoughts. We all have thoughts about so many different things every day but we don't act on them. I have had the same fears as you, but you would have to be a serious danger to yourself before anyone took this drastic action. The psychologist and your doctor would much rather treat you at home if this is possible.

You do need help to come through this though and I think it would help you to tell your psychologist how you are feeling. They cannot help you if they don't know how bad you are really feeling right now.

What helps me when I am feeling like this is thinking about someone who is very important in my life. I think about her and what she might say to me when I feel I can't go on. There is always some hope, even when you are not able to recognise it and it is finding something you can hold on which gets you through the bad days.

Focus on getting through today one hour at a time. What can you do at this very minute to help you get through this time? I know sometimes setting tasks for yourself to do can seem too much to cope with but these don't have to be anything big. Just getting outside in the frest air for a few minutes, or watching some light-hearted TV, or listening to some favourite music can help you get through the day.

It sounds like your wife really cares for you but she is finding this difficult to cope with too. What other support do you have around you?

How long have you been on Effexor for now?

Remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Even though the depression does not feel very temporary to you right now, you can come through it and even when in the midst of the worst depression, there can be minutes, parts of the day, or days when you can feel slightly better. Recording your thoughts and scaling the depression from 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst, can help you recognise that it isn't static and there are variations day to day.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

bellabee
28-09-05, 17:42
I think Karen has given you some fab advice. I just wanted to add my support. Please don't feel bad about the thoughts that you have. As Karen says, although it feels like pants it is temporary, and the sun will shine again for you soon. If it helps I have problems with similar thoughts, and if you want to PM me at all please feel free.

With love, B x

desperate
28-09-05, 18:50
Hi Anti,

Just to add my support too.

Depression is horrid no doubt about that.

I think if you are feeling low then morbid thoughts sort of follow.

Good luck,

First Anxiety...then panic attacks...now GAD and depression...now working on a better future!

Antipodes
28-09-05, 21:06
Hi Karen, bellabee and desperate,

Thanks for your comments and support.

Treatment: Yes, for over four years. It's been psychotherapy and EMDR plus medications. I was asked if I'd like to do CBT and I said an enthusiastic "Yes" only to find there are no resources (therapists) available at this time. It's a funding issue. I'm one of the lucky 3% of people who get great service from NHS here.

I have admitted to therapists about the thoughts and told them it concerns me. It does. I can only guess that they see this as not unusual and are optomistic the Effexor will overcome this. I have been on Effexor for just over five weeks. One week at 75mg/day, 4 weeks at 150 and three days at 225mg. I was really optimistic about this med as I was given it when I stopped taking the last one and told them I'm not being non compliant, I weaned off because it's made me numb to my wife leaving me and I need to get in touch with how I rwally feel. I also said I'm happy to take something else as long as it helps anxiety AND mood. They told me Effexor has produced some excellent results and I have been fully compliant. But I just don't see any improvement except anxiety is still well controlled.

I don't have any support other than the professionals. My extended and nucleus family are avoiding me. I can phone them and they're nice to me but I can't create any conflict between "mum and I", so I just talk about other stuff in general i.e small talk.

What haunts me is I did the self harm thing in February when my wife wanted a seperation and my world collapsed. I was unconcious for five days and recovery for four more. I was discovered by police. Alas, I realised my "error" when I later read the internet sites on this topic. Don't want to sound morbid. But knowing where I erred has kind of permitted me to know with certainty how to do it right. But it terrifies me. I don't want this. It's horrible for the ones left behind. But I fear one day I will lose all hope and give up.

I phoned my psychologist yesterday for an appointment but I can't see him until next wednesday. I can phone him anytime as I'm a good customer (over GBP6,000 by now) and he's a good guy.

I have a time difference of +11h so it's morning here. I'll try to speak to him.

I can't believe I did this post yesterday. I was only bolstered because I saw someone else with the same problems. Forums are really all about solutions and support eh? I offer support as I have a good handle on my complex PTSD and associated depression but I'm feeling that my circumstances just get worse, and worser, and worser.

Many thanks for taking the time to answer my post. I do appreciate it.

Antipodes.

Karen
28-09-05, 21:23
Hi Antipodes

I share your frustration about lack of resources and difficulties accessing the help you need, as I have also come across this problem. Have you been put on a waiting list for CBT?

How did you find the EMDR treatment? A newer form of treatment for PTSD is the Rewind Technique (http://www.psychotherapy-center.com/nlp_phobia_trauma_ptsd_treatment.html) or fast phobia cure. This appears to have a good success rate and is more comfortable than EMDR as it does not require the person to recount details of the traumatic event to the therapist, or to relive the experience in any way.

Four years is a long time to be in therapy without getting any benefit. Has this involved a lot of time spent going over past events? Solution-focused therapy brief therapy, like CBT, is most beneficial for treating depression.

The Effexor may still prove helpful for you as it can take up to 6 weeks at least for the full effects to be felt and you have only been on the increased dose for a few days.

You already know that any attempts you make to harm yourself will hurt your family and these thoughts you have are just that - thoughts. It doesn't mean you have to or will act on them. Just as you will not lose control. This is something many of us do worry about but it doesn't actually happen.

Hope you manage to speak to your psychologist today.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Antipodes
28-09-05, 21:38
Thanks for the prompt reply Karen.

There was talk of a decicated psychologist being allocated for me to do CBT one to one instead of group therapy which is more normal apparently. I just haven't heard about any developments for a wekk or so and now my psychiatrist is off on a lecture tour in Europe for a month (I'm very lucky - this guy is a good psychiatrist and uni prof.)

The EMDR actually unlocked some suppressed memories. It helped.

My PTSD per se is relatively untriggered. By that I mean concentration, memory, hyper-vigilence, exaggerated startle, etc are not problematical at this time. The more subtle symptoms and reactive depression are the residual issues being dealt with. I'm now returned to more socialising by playing competitive Bridge twice weekly - at the suggestion/pressure of psychologist - and am playing at a high level which is good. Foreshortened future and withdrawal from others are yet to be overcome.

I'm trying to be positive and find comfort in this forum.

Thanks again Karen.

Antipodes

Antipodes
30-09-05, 13:10
I'm still trying to be positive but it is so very hard. I wonder if one day soon I'll just give up. I keep reminding myself I'm a victim and it shouldn't be like this. At times it is very tempting to stop this cycle of endless tedious days.

Venlafaxine still hasn't kicked in at 5 1/2 weeks to improve my mood. I thought this stuff was supposed to be good. I am SO disapppointed.

Should I call the crisis team or samaritans type help places? Can they actually help or is it just temporary telephone support? I've not been in this situation before.

Antipodes

Meg
30-09-05, 13:25
The crisis team can help, the samaritans is a 'right now' telephone support.


*There was talk of a decicated psychologist being allocated for me to do CBT one to one instead of group therapy which is more normal apparently.* This sounds good. Surely your professor has a registrar you can speak to to push this onwards.



Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

Antipodes
30-09-05, 21:09
Thnaks for reminding me about that. Nothing at all has happened about progressing the CBT. I am almost certain it is going to be a resource issue. i.e overworked NHS with too high a patient load. "Barkiss is willing but ....". I'll ask my psychologist as he spoke to the NHS psychologist so will know.

I'm a bit better this morning :- ) Oh. Life can be hard at times.

Antipodes

in1peace
01-10-05, 18:02
Antipodes,
Helping yourself out of the depression is like trying to find something in a dark gymnasium, using only a flashflight. Give your meds time to work, remind yourself that this is temporary and will pass soon. I know that it is a slow, painful process for you. Just think that when your meds are kicking in, it's like finding the light panel in the gymnasium and throwing on each switch, one at a time. I am thinking of you today and hoping that you are finding ways to cope!
((((((((hugs)))))))))
Andrea

"Honey, if ya ain't feelin' the bumps in the road, ya ain't goin' nowhere!" (A wise Georgia Granny's take on living life to the fullest! LOL!)

Antipodes
01-10-05, 23:36
Thank you Andrea,

It's Sunday here now and we've put our clocks forward one hour. Shortens the day! and I'm treating myself to a lazy Sunday (rather than a procrastination period). Your kind thoughts are appreciated.

I do wish these Venlafaxine (Effexor) would start doing something though. I am much more normal thinking at the moment so I guess I was going through a crisis period earlier.
(((((((hugs))))))

Antipodes