trickysam86
05-08-09, 10:50
Well I'l start with the beggining, I didnt have a great upbringing, mother was a heroin addict, father an alcoholic, the got divorced when I was 2, and wasnt realy close to my father as he was quite violent, my mother I was close to,but due to her life style, i first threatend 2 commit suicide when I was 7 years old. Then she went to prison when I was 9, and I was in and out of family members homes until i settled with my gran, I found myself becoming emotionaly detatched and not caring for anyone least of all myself.
When my mother came out of prison we were living in a hostel/hotel for 8 months, and when we finaly got a home, it was 20 miles from my primary school so i started in a different comprehensive to everyone else i knew, it was tough at first but I found friends and was a bright lad in school, until i turned 15 at this point i was still struggling to find a connection with anyone or anything.
It was when I was 15 i first started self harming, using a compass i would draw shapes into my hand, then I left school before my GCSE's as my mother and i had a falling out and I went between family friends and relatives until i was 16 and I started working in a bar, where i met students and moved in with them, then financial difficultis meant i had to go back to my mother at 18.
I hadnt self harmed since I was in school, but then I had a bad break up with a girlfriend and became sevearly depressed and started self harming again. Then around 2 years later of infrequent self harming and several short term relationships, i was in a relationship for 5 months when my life changed dramaticaly, I lost my job, my home that I shared with my girlfriend, the girlfriend, 2 grandparents an aunty all in the space of 3 weeks, and although I was upset I was mainly upset over my job and I had no idea y i wasnt as upset as my other family members at the funerals, I found myself pretending to cry.
It was a month or so after those events I first attempted suicide, it was just before christmas, it was a laceration to the wrist, and some more heavy self harming on the chest area, and i found myself even more distant from those that I should love and care about.
Since then iv had 2 more suicide attempts, and now Iv finaly sought help, i see a psychriatric nurse once a month and go to the doctors once a month, Iv been out of work for a year, and i very rarely leave my bedroom, and it feels as tho Im trapped in my own head, Im telling myself i should go do things, it even keeps me awake at night thinking of all the things i shoulda done that day, i find it hard to get to sleep but once I do sleep its for 10-14 hours.
The doctors just say i have depression and anxiety, and the psychiatric nurse thinks i have bipolar symptoms, but neither have given a diffinitve answer, and I realy started craving a connection with the world that i just havent found since i was a child.
Anyway, Hope someone knows or understands me and Id appreciate any feedback, other than on my bad spelling and punctuation.
When my mother came out of prison we were living in a hostel/hotel for 8 months, and when we finaly got a home, it was 20 miles from my primary school so i started in a different comprehensive to everyone else i knew, it was tough at first but I found friends and was a bright lad in school, until i turned 15 at this point i was still struggling to find a connection with anyone or anything.
It was when I was 15 i first started self harming, using a compass i would draw shapes into my hand, then I left school before my GCSE's as my mother and i had a falling out and I went between family friends and relatives until i was 16 and I started working in a bar, where i met students and moved in with them, then financial difficultis meant i had to go back to my mother at 18.
I hadnt self harmed since I was in school, but then I had a bad break up with a girlfriend and became sevearly depressed and started self harming again. Then around 2 years later of infrequent self harming and several short term relationships, i was in a relationship for 5 months when my life changed dramaticaly, I lost my job, my home that I shared with my girlfriend, the girlfriend, 2 grandparents an aunty all in the space of 3 weeks, and although I was upset I was mainly upset over my job and I had no idea y i wasnt as upset as my other family members at the funerals, I found myself pretending to cry.
It was a month or so after those events I first attempted suicide, it was just before christmas, it was a laceration to the wrist, and some more heavy self harming on the chest area, and i found myself even more distant from those that I should love and care about.
Since then iv had 2 more suicide attempts, and now Iv finaly sought help, i see a psychriatric nurse once a month and go to the doctors once a month, Iv been out of work for a year, and i very rarely leave my bedroom, and it feels as tho Im trapped in my own head, Im telling myself i should go do things, it even keeps me awake at night thinking of all the things i shoulda done that day, i find it hard to get to sleep but once I do sleep its for 10-14 hours.
The doctors just say i have depression and anxiety, and the psychiatric nurse thinks i have bipolar symptoms, but neither have given a diffinitve answer, and I realy started craving a connection with the world that i just havent found since i was a child.
Anyway, Hope someone knows or understands me and Id appreciate any feedback, other than on my bad spelling and punctuation.