View Full Version : Totally distraught
I can no longer cope and am suffering major panics. K has told me she is away next week and I just can't survive it. This is my worst nightmare because right now getting through one day without her is impossible enough.
Now I don't know what to do. This is a living nightmare and I can't take any more. I just want this pain and torment to end.
I've sunk too far into despair. I need her and I can't live without her. The pain and hurt is too much.
How can I live without her?:(:(:(:(:(:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
I'm sorry that i don't know what to say, but you have all of us on here for support? I know thats not the same as communication from K, but it has got to be a start.
I wish I knew what else I could say that would bring you some comfort, but if you ever want to chat at any time, please PM me.
If you could get through this week perhaps you could focus on how proud K would be of you?
Thinking of you,
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
I'm sorry Tracy. I know I still have everyone here, I just can't help the way I feel.
Without K I have no motivation to keep going. I know people will say it is only a week but to me it might as well be a year. It feels so insurmountable.
I am losing it and sinking further and futher into the pit of despair. I can't take anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
Please be strong Hun, a week isnt long and it will go by so quickly, show K how well you can do while she is away, she will be so proud of you. Keep eating little and often, and try to find something to motivate yourself, that way the days will pass so much quicker.
Remember Karen you are not alone, and you never will be.
A big hug
Love
Trac xx
its "just a thought"
Thank you Trac. I know K would like nothing better than to know I have coped well.
Right now a week is forever to me.
I'm sorry. I am just feeling really bad at the moment.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
so sorry you feel horrid right now, i agree a week is a long time. I have been thinking, maybe you could keep a little diary/journal for K to read when she returns? for example, i slept for 3/4 hours last night, i ate half a sandwich at lunch today, i managed to shower before bed tonight, sounds silly but i think she will be very proud of you, by the way mate you are not totally alone, how can you be when so many people here care for you? Keep posting, by the way mate, since you mentioned (ages ago) about watching 3-2-1 on t.v. i watch it every day at 2o/c. How sad is that eh?????
Karen,
Never be sorry ok hun, you havent done anything to be sorry for. We just worry about you and want you to know that we are here for you.
Take care
Love Trac xx
its "just a thought"
nomorepanic
30-09-05, 19:14
Karen
You have managed in the past and I know it was hard but you did so well then as well.
We are all here for you ok and will help you get through it.
Don't give in ok - we will get your through it.
Keeping a diary is an excellent idea as well.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Karen
This may sound like a ridiculous idea, so feel free to completely discard it, but do you own, or ever thought about buying a games console?
I only suggest this because they're the most addictive things known to man. There's no easier way to eliminate a few hours of your free time than to do it on an XBox or Playstation. You never know, by the time she gets back you might not be able to check for her messages until you've killed the boss on level 4 :D
I know it's not that simple, but I thought I'd suggest it, it could be a good distraction for you at times like this.
mico
'Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding Danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.'
Hi karen
I no how u feel about K you may think i dont but i do. My best friend M i spent 5 days a week with her for 3 yrs at work i worked and lived 4 her she was my every think i relied on her every day she was my motivation to get out of bed i looked forward to seeing her every day and just dreaded if she was off.
She was the first person i told about my panic and my life she nows every think about me 2months ago we went out for lunch and she said i wont always be around i just said oh yeah i no and thought to myself i still got u know then she said you've only got me for a month im leaving.
My heart sunk my world was going to end i was in shock i went bk into work i just felt numb i didnt no how to feel or wot to do.
Even tho M said i could phone her when ever i needed to or go around her house it would never b the same.
So it hit me i am by myself i gotta sort me out . So i went to docs got put on meds thats something i was so against got sent for an assissment.
I have come along way im able to go out fair enough im having a bad time at the moment but her leaving has made me a stronger person karen there is hope believe me u will b ok without K.
I also suffer an eating disorder im not in the stage u r in but i no wot ur going through.
You are a strong person youve just gotta find it.
Take care feel free to pm me im here for you if you need me
South
When exactly is K going away ?
Hi everyone
Thank you for all the replies. I am trying to calm down a bit. It is just really hard to cope without her because I'm finding things very difficult at the moment as it is.
Carlin: Thanks for the diary idea and I will give it a go. I think K might have eye strain when she gets back from reading it though. My messages to her are long enough as it is!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">by the way mate, since you mentioned (ages ago) about watching 3-2-1 on t.v. i watch it every day at 2o/c. How sad is that eh?????
<div align="right">Originally posted by carlin - 30 September 2005 : 18:48:27</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Not sad at all! I remember watching it on a Saturday night when I was young and I still have trouble trying to decipher those clues now!
Thank you Trac and Nic for your support. I know I have come through this before, but it is never easy and when I am feeling so low anyway it just makes it even harder. I am finding it difficult to motivate myself to get out of bed as it is now, let alone to get dressed and go out anywhere. There is nothing to look forward to.
Meg: K said she is away until next Saturday and told me not to panic. She said I will come through it, but a week is an awfully long time when I am so dependent on her.
South: Sorry to hear about your friend. I can really empathise with you about how difficult that is for you. I am glad you are getting some help and are making such good progress. I have had a history of these attachments going back years and it is impossible for me to break the pattern because each one gets stronger and I feel more dependent on K than anyone before.
Mico: I have a gameboy but I don't like combat games! It's not good for my RSI either. I do play Scrabble on it but even that requires too much concentration for me a lot of the time. It was a good suggestion, thanks. Distraction to help pass some of the time I know in theory can help a bit, even if it doesn't feel like it and it doesn't solve the problem or take away the pain.
Thank you all again so much. I am thankful and lucky to have all of you supporting me and helping me through this, even when I have the same crises time and time again and sound like a broken record. I just can't help the way I feel about K and how much I need and rely on her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Just been catching up with this thread and the replies.
I think Carlin's suggestion anout a diary is a good one - so give it a go.
Also thought Mico's suggestion was a good one, but can understand your reply.
When I was heavily pregnant with first first son, I used to play patience for hours at a time, especially in the early hours - My hubby used to find it amusing, but it really helped with those difficult moments when I was uncomfortable and couldn't settle - It was not too heavy on the grey cells, but helped to focus my mind a little - just a thought!
13 years ago, it was just a pack of cards, but now we all have it on our pc's, but I must admit, still prefer a pack of cards!
If you give it a whirl, let me know if you complete a hand - it was a rare thing for me, but I was determined not to give in - so a passed alot of time!!! :D:D
with love
Elaine XX
Thanks for the suggestion Elaine. I have patience on my pc and I guess it is ok for short periods of time but is a bit monotonous after a while. Plus continually using the mouse makes my wrist worse, not that the RSI stops me typing, which I am not supposed to do either.
I just don't feel like doing anything. I have just been sat up all night, staring a K's photo and feeling like I can't move. I have all these tormenting and bleak thoughts going round in my head and feel so distressed but I can't actually do anything. It is like it has all got so much that I've just stopped functioning. Maybe I am just too overwhelmed by it all.
I just wish I could sleep right round until next Saturday and let the time pass in a blur.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I love Carlin's diary idea - you could make it really colourful and draw in it and everything.
Have you ever read any of SARK'S books - they are along this line and great fun to read.
You could draw the weather in for that day, and what clothes you wore etc etc.
Ooh quite taken with that idea myself.:)
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
Thanks for the suggestions. I would probably type the diary because it is actually more painful for my wrist for me to write. Typing is easier.
I don't think K would be very interested to know that I have spent virtually every day in my pyjamas, as I rarely bother getting dressed unless I absolutely have to go somewhere[:I]
She has given me something to think about while she's away and I also have an article I am meant to be writing for my therapist but I just can't concentrate long enough to get very far. I doubt it would make much sense because I forget where I am going with what I'm writing half the time. My head is too full of other things I guess.
How are you today?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi hun,
Yes ok today ta!
Although very cold - I do feel the cold and I know you do, so I hope those Pj's are fleecy!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you manage soup do you think, cos that's a great warmer upperer.
Love Piglet
Hi Piglet
Yes my PJs are fleecy thanks! I still need layers though even though this is quite a warm house. It is something I am worrying about when I move.
I know I could do with eating something warm like soup but I have even greater problems with hot food, even soup.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Keep yourself as busy as possible. You can do this.
Hi Karen,
Hope you are okish today???? Keep wrapped up this week-end, it's even cold in London today, to be quite honest though, i don't really feel the cold, am experiencing hot flushes at present, so have all the windows wide open most days, which does not impress the rest of the family!!!! Hope you have been able to munch a little bit today?I have problems with food, not like you, but i just hate eating, if you could see the size of me you would never believe that though!!!!!(fat) - no (cuddly) (very very cuddly) will speak soon mate xxxxxxxxx
Hi Carlin
I haven't been out anywhere to know whether it is cold outside. I've been in bed most of the time but still can't sleep. I am so tired now and this is making it even harder to cope.
I was watching Cagney & Lacey on TV which is my favourite programme of all time and that helped distract me for a bit. Shame it's not on more often. I can't really get interested in anything else.
The thing about eating for me is that it's not that I don't want to eat; it is more that I am too scared to. There are so many different reasons why food and eating and weight have all become something that I have to control.
Although I know I have been resisting help, I do want help and think with the right kind of help and encouragement I might be able to start getting somewhere with this. But the kind of help I need does not appear to exist and I just do not have the strength to fight the anorexia or come back from this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen, please don't think i was being flippant about your eating issues, and also i was not comparing myself to you in any way, i am no expert on any of these things, and i truly understand how difficult it is to get the right help. I haven't been out today either, might make a bit of an effort in a while when hubby get's in? just pop to shops or something, can't be bothered today, not good i know, but can't help it. To be honest can't be bothered to get in the shower either, ugh!!!!!Kid's are all out, and i have just been watching t.v., must say didn't know cagney and lacey was on though!!!!!! Do you like watching any of the evening films on sky? i know they are repeated time and again. sometimes the kids bring home dvd's, the latest is charlie and the choc. factory, haven't seen it yet though, sometimes i can't sit down long enough to see it through. anyway, i have gone on long enough i am now going to have a shower cos i think everyone here will think i am a dirty so-and-so, speak soon, if not speak tomorrow xxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Karen
Been thinking about your diary/journal and article for therapist - You say you can't concentrate for any length of time.
What about having a couple of pieces of paper to hand, one for journal and one for article for therapist and as you think of a thought or idea jot down the key words in a bubble and from that other ideas might develop, bubbles leading to bubbles and perhaps the odd picture!
You could do this as and when, but it wouldn't involve too much writing and hopefully prove fun.
Then you would have the basis for your article and journal, for a later date, when you felt strong enough to put your jottings and ideas together on the computer.
Glad to hear you have some cosy pj's, the weather has really turned autumnal over the last couple of days.
I have just got in from the garden, having planted over 100 daffodil bulbs for the spring and a few pansies for the winter - Both are such cheerful flowers! But my fingernails feel dreadful - all that mud!!!
Hope this finds you a little brighter.
Take care
Elaine XX
Hi Karen,
It will go quickly hun.
Remember i'm here if you need to chat PM me anytime hun!
You are STRONG you can do this.
Keep distracted and busy yourself that will make the time pass quicker.
Thinking of you.
Take Care,
Love PIP'S X X XX
Hi Karen,
Just wondering how the day's gone.
May pop into the chatroom for a bit - do you ever go in there?
Love Pig :)
Hi Carlin
I didn't think you were being flippant about my eating disorder at all, so don't worry about that. I just don't know where I am half the time, with part of me being so desperate for some help, but then not being able to actually do anything myself. Then there is the fact that I went all through the NHS route to try to get some help and that was all a complete waste of time too.
Did you go out today in the end? I finally fell asleep for a couple of hours. I know what you mean about not being bothered to get in the shower, as I can't be bothered to have a bath either. Moving from my bed and actually out of the bedroom is too much effort.
I don't have Sky movies. I did see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at the cinema some weeks ago when Jac dragged me out one evening. When I'm feeling like this I can't even be bothered to watch a film. It is really hard to be interested in doing anything.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Elaine
Thanks for your message and suggestion.
I do tend to use a notebook in this way already so I can write things down when I think about them. Otherwise by the time I come to write whatever I'm doing, or for things I need to do, it has completely gone out of my head.
I kind of know the content I need to put in this article but I haven't got round to writing it. When I am doing something like that I put so much pressure on myself and keep starting again, thinking what I've written isn't good enough.
Sounds like you've had a busy day. Luckily my garden is fairly easy maintenance but there is some weeding to do. I don't have the energy to do it though and it is too cold to be out there. Your garden will look lovely with all those flowers!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Pips - Thanks for your message. Hope you are well.
Piglet: How are you tonight? I used to go into Chat all the time but haven't been in for ages. I used to spend hours in there and don't think it was doing me much good really.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi hun,
I went in chat last night (I just pop in now and again) and did have a real laugh and was glad I bothered even though I was so tired.
I also wanted to tell you something else that I forgot last night, about the journal thing.
I think you have a very good writing style, it's very natural and has a lovely gentle flow to it (whatever the subject). I may be wrong (although I seldom am lol) but I think you may have a natural skill in this area.
It's hard to define what makes a good writer - but whatever it is you seem to have it. If I was a technical person (which I'm so obviously not) I could break it down into sort of areas of balance and flow etc. Anyway, whatever it is your posts are really readable and you get a real sense of 'you'.
Sorry going right off the point here but wanted to say it as have been thinking it for a while.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Piglet
Glad you enjoyed yourself in chat last night.
Thanks for your kind comments about my writing. This is another area in which I don't have any belief about my abilities.
I'm really struggling today because, on top of everything else, I keep losing my connection to the Internet. So I'm scared of getting cut off and being completely isolated. I'm panicking a lot and feeling really low again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen, sorry i haven't replied earlier, oh yes karen i did manage to go out yesterday, hubby takes me in the cab, but i couldn't get out of the blooming cab to go in any shops!!!!!came home very disappointed as usual, going thru a bit of a rough patch right now, it is hard work fighting all of this isn't it? I never reaslised you enjoy and were a good writer, just because you don't feel you have the confidence doesn't mean that your writing won't be good enough! Try it mate, what have you got to lose? As you say you can type it all out, if i were you, i would give it a go, see what happens. Sorry your internet connections are playing up at the moment, i have the same problems, but it is because my computor system is nearly as old as i am!!! no comments please.I will let you get on now, speak soon i hope xxxxxxxxxx
Hi Carlin
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time at the moment too. There is no need to beat yourself up about yesterday. There is no failing to do anything all the time you keep on trying. You will get there. It sometimes takes time and a lot of persistence.
I have always liked writing but haven't done much recently. I just am not in the right frame of mind. I suppose because writing has been my main means of communication for so many years I have had to become reasonable at it.
How are you feeling today?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen, am just going through a bad patch at the moment, and still, after all of these years, can't convince myself that the majority of it is caused by anxiety/panic. Feel ugh again today, but watched a little bit of footie on telly to try to distract myself, the kids come and go thoughout the day, so really they are my distraction, although sometimes i feel i could do with a break??I am feeling quite confused and muddled right now, it is so good to be able to come on here and write what i want without anyone judging me or moaning at me. Hubby can be quite understanding, but, i feel he gets a little frustrated with me (as i do with myself), sorry to have gone on yet again, by the way have you managed to munch on anything today i had a little bit of tuna pasta earlier, i usually cook a roast dinner, but the kids were in and out today, so i will order a takeaway later, yet again ugh!!! speak soon i hope xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
hi Karen,
how are you doing??? sorry bout your internet connection - ours has been doing the same today.. maybe sunday is their maintenance day...?
also, Cagney and lacey!!! wow - i absolutely love that show! when is it on!!! i'm going to humming the theme tune all night now!
I just wanted to reiterate the fact that I think you are doing really well despite you not having very high opinions of yourself right now, you really are doing and coping well.
I know I haven't been around much lately but I do check in from time to time and catch up with your posts to see if you're ok..
it seems you have a fair bit of writing to do and I remember you saying before you enjoyed this.. it could be good practice for you before you become a rich and famous writer!!
take care hun,
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Lisa
How are you?
Cagney and Lacey is on BBC2 on Saturdays. The time varies I think.
I don't feel like I am doing OK at the moment. I feel really low and can't stop wishing for the week to pass really quickly so Saturday will come round when K comes back.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Feeling really low tonight and completely exhausted too. I haven't slept at all last night or during the day today. All I can think about is K and how many long hours it is until she is back on Saturday.
I just want to be with her because I know all these horrible, painful feelings would go away.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen,
How you feeling today? Did you get any sleep last night?
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
Hi Tracy
Thanks for your reply.
I managed a couple of hours sleep in the end last night, but then I had a nightmare about losing K and was so upset I couldn't get off to sleep again.
Just spent most of the night sitting up in bed. Tried to watch a video to distract myself from thinking about K and feeling so upset, but I couldn't really concentrate on it. I am thinking about her every minute of the day and just want to be with her.
I'm feeling no better this morning and it is still an awfully long time until Saturday.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen,
Saturday isnt that far away hun, just try to keep busy to occupy your mind, it makes the day go a lot quicker then.
A big hug
Love
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwitten'
Hi Trac
Saturday certainly feels a long time away to me. Hours and hours and hours to go yet.:(
I just want to sleep so I can't feel this pain but I can't sleep and now my neighbour is going around slamming doors or something. She does that whenever she rows with her boyfriend.
Don't know how I am going to get through the rest of this week[Sigh...]
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hannahlou84
03-10-05, 16:39
You will Karen, you can and you will get through this. I am actually going to send you the rest of those downloads now...
"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"
Thanks Hannah.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hannahlou84
03-10-05, 18:32
Have you tried the one I sent this morning?
I have been trying to send you the other ones for a while, but my net connection is a bit shakey as L is trying to sort hers out!
I will as soon as it's OK though! They are there and ready to go!
Han x
"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"
Yes thanks Hannah and it works this time.
No rush for the others.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I hardly slept again last night and the little sleep I did get was disturbed by upsetting dreams about K. I am missing her so very much.
However, I am trying not to stay in bed feeling sorry for myself all day and have done some tidying up around the house this morning. I know I should probably go out and do something but I am too cold and too tired.
In fact, now I am so shattered again that I think I do need to go back to bed and try to get some more sleep.
Nothing really helps me feel any better.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Have you managed any journal writing yet????
Love Piglet :)
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Have you managed any journal writing yet????
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 04 October 2005 : 14:08:14</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes - none of it is positive though. It is just impossible to feel good, or even okay, while K is away.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Doesn't matter if it's good or bad its helping to de-junk your head.
I know a little of how you maybe feeling without K, as last year all my kids were away at the same time (a first in over 15 years) and I had to stay in the house on my own.
I had been dreading it and it felt very odd the first couple of nights but I slowly got into my stride and whilst I wouldn't go as far as to say 'partay' it was a tremendous boost to know I can do 'alone time'. It has been also useful as now if all are out at sleepovers it's not a problem and the kids feel reassured that I'm fine about it.
When I get more of a hold over my agoraphobia I will use those times to go out with my mates (they've been waiting 19 years for me to get a babysittter lol and now they have to wait for me again cos of the agoraphobia).
I know you may feel you already do enough 'alone' time, so I was wondering how you would feel about getting involved with say a writing club. You could do this as you are brave enough to go to meets. I keep trying to persuade my mum to join something as she spends quite a bit of time in her PJ's too, doing 'alone'. You two are a bit like that film star who say's I vant to be alone!!!
I wish I lived nearer my mum (I think) as I would teach her how to use the internet - golly she'd have a ball!!!!
Although she may bump into my dad on there and blow the system up!!!!
Love Piglet :)
Hi Karen, Hope you are managing? Do you know what? You are a very unselfish caring lady, you are feeling rubbish, but still take time to help others here, thank you for replying to my post this morning, it helps to know that others understand what happening, but unlike you, when i go 'into' one i tend to become very me, me, me!! if you know what i mean. I think i feel a little better, had a little bit of dinner tonight, how about you mate?? I will speak soon. xxxxxxxx
Hi Carlin
Thanks for your reply and for what you said. I do feel that I am very selfish and just me me me by the way I cling so tightly to K and then get into this distressed state whenever she is away.
I start panicking that something will happen to her and she won't be back. I panic that I am hurting her by trying to hold on so tight, even though she said the only one hurting is me.
I should be able to cope better. I know when she is back and I know she is away having a break and enjoying herself (hopefully!). Despite all my panic and distress about her not being here, I do want her to be happy and enjoying herself. I realise the way I am feeling is my problem and the way I react to her being away. I still can't help getting so distressed though.
I'm glad you are feeling a little better and managed some dinner tonight. Hope you have a better night tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Piglet
I already do journal anyway and I think I probably write too much about how I am feeling and the stupid things I do.
It sounds like you coped really well when your children were away and
it is good to know you can do this in future. I suppose it is slightly difficult when you are used to having others there with you physically and more difficult in a way when you have to adjust to spending time alone.
However, even though I am used to being here alone, when I am feeling so bad and struggling like I am at the moment, I really don't want to be alone and feel I need K even more than usual.
This is particularly true on days like today when I have been feeling so ill. I literally could not get out of bed and couldn't stand up even.
Sounds like your Mum could do with having other interests and clubs etc to be able to meet other people. Writing groups are not really for me because I don't really like sharing anything I have written with others, or discussing it. Plus I still have reminders of the university course I started but only lasted one meeting because I couldn't handle the level of interaction.
Hope you are OK tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi all
I'm feeling a little better today. I've been out for a while and it is actually warmer out today too, so for the first time all week I didn't feel cold.
Think it is the anticipation of K coming back tomorrow. I'm also experiencing some anxiety that something might happen and she might not be back tomorrow, but I am trying to rationalise those thoughts.
I just can't wait to hear from her.:)
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Another WELL DONE!
You've done well, and give yourself the credit you deserve, you have got through a hard week - and you are still here!
You are a very strong person, and you should write down how this week has been, and how you have got through it. Then re-read it when you are faced with any other situation that makes you feel overwhelmed. You can cope,have coped, and will cope again!
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
Hi Tracy
I think maybe there is a difference between coping and coping well[:O]. Yes I got through the week - well still have to get to tomorrow yet. But I didn't cope well and completely went to pieces without K.
This has been a really difficult week and I had all but given up, just staying in bed and losing the will to live. I know I am only beginning to pick up a bit now because she is due back tomorrow. That doubt is still there though that I might not hear from her and then I'll sink straight back down again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I don't think there is a difference between coping and coping well. We all cope in whichever way that we can, and although we may prefer to cope in a better way, WE ARE STILL COPING!
I know it has been a difficult week, but you have made it, K will be back tomorrow, and she is gonna be as proud as we are! Don't start negatively thinking about tomorrow, think of the positives. like telling K about your week?
tracy x x
Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.
Hi Tracy
Hmm I'm not sure that just coping is good enough really. Each time K goes away I want to be able to do things differently and actually act in a positive way to cope with her absence, but I don't actually manage to do it. I've been despairing and experiencing severe separation anxiety the whole time she has been away, even though I knew when she is due back.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Don't start negatively thinking about tomorrow, think of the positives. like telling K about your week?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't know that she actually wants to hear about me taking to my bed and basically giving up on everything all week. Or about severely restricting food and hardly eating anything. It is not the kind of thing I really want to tell her, although she will be able to read about it all anyway and won't be expecting anything different. She knows I get very distressed without her and only start to calm down again once she is back.
It makes me feel incredibly guilty for being like this and I worry that I am hurting her. I just wish I could let go of the attachment and the obsession but I can't do it. I need her so much that even thinking about it sends me into a tailspin. I truly believe I cannot continue to live without her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Just caught up with your posts here.
It's Saturday morning - the week is history now - however the week went, highs and lows, the important thing is you came through it!
From what I can see, you managed a bit of a journal, you went out, so good stuff.
But the important thing now is Saturday - trying to feel a little upbeat and not reflecting on yesterday or the day before.
Set yourself a little challenge - maybe the health food shop, so dress up warm, put your best foot forward and go!
Small positive steps and all that.
I am now imagining Karen in the shop, feeling great for having got there, browsing the shelves, with a smile on her face!
Wishing you a calm, light day.
Elaine XX :D:D
Hi Elaine
I don't think I am going to be going anywhere or doing anything today, as I sat up all night waiting to hear from K[:I]. I'm afraid I couldn't relax until I'd heard from her and knew she was back safely.
I'm just so relieved that week is over... until the next time[:O].
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm feeling really low today and finding it hard to stop compulsively checking for K. I am scared that she is going to be upset with me over something I said and need to keep checking for messages.
Also had a call from the estate agent dealing with the sale of my house and a surveyor for the purchaser's mortgage company wants to come round on Wednesday afternoon, so now I am panicking about that too. Don't know how I am going to cope with it on my own.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Have you heard from K now?
Love Piglet :)
Hi Piglet
Yes, I had a message late yesterday evening.
Now though, the whole cycle starts all over again with waiting for contact today[:O].
Also I now have to go out later to collect a package from the Post Office. The postman didn't even ring the doorbell. I don't know how I am going to manage to get into town though, as I am still feeling pretty ropey at the moment with this migraine and feeling faint. Why couldn't he ring the bell[Sigh...] I don't feel like going out.
Have been looking at estate agent websites again and still not much around in my price range but I know I have to start doing something about this. I want to ask Jac for help, maybe to ring a few places for me and come with me on viewings but I know she is incredibly busy and she also gets upset sometimes when she sees me.
It is really frustrating because every property I see that might be suitable, that I like the look of and is something I can afford seems to be retirement flats.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Ok now I'm worried because K has posted on the forum this morning but not replied to my message:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm not coping at all well this afternoon waiting for K to reply. I have a horrible feeling she won't today and I can't handle it.
I know I have been doing some things that she definitely doesn't approve of and I am letting her down yet again. I need her so much and yet I am scared I am driving her further away because of my recent actions.:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
K will reply, she always does, try and remember that. If not today then tomorrow. She won't desert you or anything. I know that is no help to you right now but I don't know how to help you.
Just want to say I'm thinking of you and sending you a big hug.
Love Lisa x
Thanks for your reply Lisa. Support helps and there isn't anything anyone can do really.
I know she will reply eventually but I just get so distress and despair so much when even one day passes without hearing from her.
I'm not feeling too well and am completely exhausted too so that doesn't really help. I just want to be with her so she can hold me in her arms and make everything alright.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
Sorry you're not feeling well, please try and eat something today, every little will help you feel a bit stronger. Try and get some rest too, I know how badly tiredness can affect us.
I don't understand totally how you feel about K but I know the feeling of wanting someone to hold you in their arms and make everything better, if only it was that easy. Unfortunately we are the only ones who can help ourselves. Life is hard isn't it.
Take care, thinking of you.
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa
I do know really that we have to help ourselves but I believe if I could be with K then I would feel fine and not have most of these problems.
It is difficult for others to understand how I feel about K. I have such a strong emotional attachment to her and I can't live without her. Being without her is like being starved of oxygen and not being able to breathe.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
You're right it is hard for others to understand things sometimes, but I'm still thinking of you.
Hope today is better for you.
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
Not a good start for me unfortunately. I am already feeling really low and worrying about K. The more she tells me that I am fantasising and she will never love me or look after me, the more I want and need her to.
This makes me want to starve myself even more, so that I can become deserving of her love and care.
I'm also panicking about the surveyor coming on behalf of the purchaser's of my house later too.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I am feeling totally distraught again now. I know how terrible I am and now I am even driving K to lose patience. She is going to end up hating me and will not want to know me at all if I continue like this.:(
I cannot handle it when I think she is upset with me, or I am making her get fed up with me. If I don't have her in my life, I haven't got anything - no reason to live at all. Without her my life is empty and pointless and completely meaningless.
Just feel like I have had enough right now and want to give up:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Aww karen,
I hate seeing you feeling like this. K will not give up on you, deep down you know that really. You've felt like this before many times and K is still there supporting you. It's possible she may at times get frustrated with you, maybe, maybe not who nows, but even so she won't give up on you. My husband gets really frustrated with me at times but he's still here. Karen please don't give up, you do have alot to live for, hopefully in time you'll see that too.
Hang in there, K will not leave you or hate you. Try and think back to all the times you felt this way before and it was ok every time.
Hope this afternoon goes ok with the surveyor, I know it will be nerve racking for you but it has to be done. How is the house hunting going, have you found anywhere yet? I can't remember if you have or maybe I missed that while I was away.
Take care (((((Karen))))
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
I just think she is getting fed up with me fantasising about her and not being able to accept that I cannot be with her. I can't accept it because then I have no hope at all for any kind of future. I cannot live without her.
No, I haven't found anywhere to move to yet. To be honest, I can't find any motivation to even look properly, let alone find the courage to ring any agents or go to view anywhere.
I did send Jac and email asking if she'd help - it is virtually impossible to get hold of her by phone - but she hasn't replied.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I really think I have ruined everything and she hates me now. I have driven her away and she can never ever even like me a little bit. It is all going wrong and I can't cope.
Life without her is unbearable:(:(:(:(:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Finding it really hard waiting around to hear from K today. I think she might reject my message from last night and then I'll be totally devastated.
Or even worse - she might not be in touch at all today and I need her.
I had these text alerts set up so I would know when a message came through, but then I was told this was being really obsessive and to switch it off. When K asked me to do this, I did turn it off. But now I am obsessively checking the forum anyway, so I've turned the text alert back on.
I'm lost without her and can't cope. I am still really worried after yesterday that I have lost her completely:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
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