I can't make it stop

[Hannahlou84]

I have been suffering with panic attacks really badly for the last three years or so (depression for and anxiety for longer), but it is these that I can't cope with.

To put it into perspective, I had to go and see one of my lecturers this morning. (I have been emailing her all summer with my fears about the dissertation and the supervisor etc), and she is really really nice. Sounds good, doesn't it? Anyway, I got worked up about it when she said about meeting and where, but agreed as I felt it would help. I was then so panicky this morning I couldn't breathe, and even though my mate C stayed with me, I still kept getting very near tears, and felt I was struggling to breathe, and E wasn't even saying anything bad, she was being really sweet.

The thing is, I still feel like it now, like I can't breathe, can't think. And nothing I do stops it. My relaxation hypnosis Cd does, but only whilst I am listening, and not being funny, but I do have to do other things with my so-called life. Was just wondering if anybody had any idea why the hell I get like that, and why I can't stop it at all!

Thanks,
Hannah

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Meg]

**I have been emailing her all summer with my fears about the dissertation and the supervisor etc**

Was she ok and responsive to this whilst she was on Uni holidays ?

What are the thoughts behind seeing her that made you so worked up ?


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[Hannahlou84]

Yes, she was lovely (unlike the other tutor I emailed), I wasn't expecting replies til about now, or maybe September. So it was really sweet.

I don't know. I have no idea what scared me, part of me was scared of the idea of me becoming dependent on her, but then, I have this thing about actually meeting people anyway, and am a bit better once I've done it. I don't make a lot of sense, sorry!

And I am supposed to be going out tonight, and there's just no way at the moment. :(

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Karen]

Hi Hannah

I think you could give yourself the credit your deserve here;). Even though you were anxious about going to this meeting and have been struggling with the panic, you still went and managed to discuss the situation with her. Well done!

You have managed to calm yourself with the hypnosis CD before so you know you can do it. Concentrate on slowing your breathing down - lots of 7/11 breathing.

Did you sort out the worries about the dissertation and your supervisor for this?

Where are you going tonight? Getting out for a while with friends could be a good distraction for you

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Hannahlou84]

Hiya,

I only went because I was too scared not to turn up!!!!!!!

Yes, she helped heaps, and has said I don't *have* to see my supervisor at all, and she is aware that I don't want R (without being aware who she is!) Yet, I am just not right with it all. I still don't know who the supervisor is, and I'm not going to cope whoever it is. I shouldn't be here really, if I can't do it. It isn't fair. I just emailed E apologising, and explaining that I am trying!

It's all weird, I am feeling calm, like generally... it's my chest that won't go back, which then convinces me there's something physically wrong, and that makes me panic more! The hypnosis won't do it, I tried, and I just can't get rid of the feeling... It is rather annoying!

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Hannahlou84]

We are supposed to be going clubbing tonight, but I think that will actually kill me-- as I hate it anyway, though they are going to the one place I can tolerate a while for my benefit. [8)]

I need to go to the Post Office before it shuts, and I haven't got it in me to walk round the corner at the moment. :(

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Karen]

Hi Hannah

Sounds like E was very helpful. When do you find out who the supervisor will be?


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">We are supposed to be going clubbing tonight... though they are going to the one place I can tolerate a while for my benefit. [8)]
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 03 October 2005 : 15:56:35</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It seems your friends are making an effort, even if they don't entirely understand about anxiety and panic.

Perhaps you could aim to go for an hour and see how you feel then. If at that point you are still feeling bad about being there you could go home again.

If you don't go out with them what are you going to do instead?

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Hannahlou84]

I would sleep! Ha ha.

I don't know when we find out, E was trying to for me today, because the media people know! I wish I could have her now! Makes me want to change my topic, but not practical, and she only has 2 people this year as her hours have been reduced.

They won't let me leave alone, and I don't want to wreck the night for them. I would sleep if they went out! Ha ha. I need to. I hate not having the tablets this time, I am sure the zopiclone calmed me down a bit too!

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Hannahlou84]

E emailed back, so am feeling a little better, bless her...

Answer= alcohol!

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Hannahlou84]

Oh, now I'm not, silly me!

I am thinking constantly about E, and how I was (loser mainly!) and how she said that it is actually a requirement for lecturers to email back within two days of reading/receiving an email and am getting upset over the number of mine that R ignored, particularly as they were all uni-related. Just got me into a tizz. Will have to drink a bit more then! Maybe I'll forget..

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[mum2four]

I know the feeling of beong to scared to go and to sacred not go I'm alway's in a battle with my fear's the greater fear win out in the end's. I then I worry that there gona know I'm scared. My mind just continues's to argu with fear's and the fact's seem to get squesed out and I cant maker sence of my thought's till get out of the situation and away from people and noise till I calm down then. If I feel the I overreacted I can go back but I try to avoid gaing any attenstion. If I feel the situation will just start right back up again once igo back then I run/walk and dont go back. I'm working on this but it hard when my first reaction is either to shut down or yell and argu even when I'm not yelling I have a loud voice by nature i use to in trouble for trying to talk quiet in school when it was the first word i said that day. I still get told not to yell when i dont feel I'm yelling or told to lower my voice or not argu ect ect ect. Its hard to get over anxiety when the major reason for the anxiety is due to personality clashes but it is so much more better since really getting to know my self and treating my self the way I would treat another person when given the chance i dont have a problem with people disagreeing with my but when thay cant let go after the argument or tell me that I'm just wrong when It's my opinion then I get defensive with them as much as I want to stop to getting defensive with people i have yet to stop the defensive responce from making me anxious if i dont give in to it. I know that if I dont talk about whats bothering me I start to get self harm ergs head banging, cutting, sratching, ect I just dont know how to stop the erg's form entering my head once the anxiety really kick's in. Which I why I'm glad that the people help to get past the anxiety long enought to talk to my Dr I feel better i still get anxious a little bit but the arguing has stopped the erg's dont enter my head either. I would never do anythingn that would seriouly hurt me but i still dont like feeling of not haveing full control of what come's in to my head.


It really is important that we take care of our self in every way.

Positove statment to our self are good start to looking after our self.

[Hannahlou84]

I just about managed to sort myself out, literally just about..

I made myself go to the library and everything... and who did I bump into? R. I still feel exactly the same. This is so unfair that I can't even calm down. This is what I wanted help with over the summer, and now I feel it has been wasted. I hate being me so much, and my life isn't even crap, I'm just stupid.

I can't stop crying and shaking-- and my housemates are being "helpful" by teasing me about my "crush" on R.

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[seh1980]

hi Hannah,

I am at uni myself so I understand what you are going through. The joys of supervisors, huh? Are you doing an undergraduate degree? I have done 2 dissertations so far (one for my undergrad degree and one for my Masters degree) so if you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I have 2 supervisors who I am quite lucky with (one more than the other). I have found that the trick is to be very honest with them. I have told both of mine about my panic attacks and it has made things a lot easier for me as it means that they understand where I'm coming from if and when I have problems..

Sarah :D

"If life were simple, word would have got around"

[Hannahlou84]

Thank you, Sarah, really appreciate your offer of help. My problem is more with people than the dissertation. :( Don't like me much right now, am beside myself.

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Karen]

Hi Hannah

Sorry to hear you felt so upset when you bumped into 'R'. I don't think you had the consistent help you needed over the summer to be able to work on this issue fully.

Any news of the start date for the CBT yet?

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Hannahlou84]

I needed R over the summer really. I don't mean like I need her now, I needed to be having contact with her to get over her, unlike now where I was chucked in the deep end having been taught to swim outside the pool. Maybe this can be saved..

I don't know about CBT. Should be getting official timetable tomorrow, I think the one I have will do, so I can show that to the mental health advisor, and then I will be given an appt that fits, to save time!

I have been feeling really bad and panicky today, kind of beyond it, but am trying to help other people, try and post, I just don't want to make things worse, cos I spend ages stressing about it afterwards!

Hannah

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Hannahlou84]

It feels like this is going to kill me, but is it really letting me know I am alive?

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[seh1980]

hi Hannah,

I'm sure things will get easier with time once you settle down and get into things..

Sarah :D

"If life were simple, word would have got around"

[Hannahlou84]

It's my last year (third) and I think I'd need a miracle... which I'm not expecting.

Thanks for your encouragement, but right now I can't see a way out.

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[seh1980]

You managed the first two years so there's no reason why you can't get through this one..

"If life were simple, word would have got around"

[Hannahlou84]

I am just scared because although I did get through the first year, and my problems didn't affect my work because B was talking me through everything, last year was hell- and I struggling to recover from that. I need R so much.

I have to see the mental health advisor tomorrow, and I am having really bad panics about it. I want to be honest, but I always play everything down when I am there (because I am an idiot), and it is hard to talk about R down here, and I don't trust anybody down here as much as I trust my therapist back home, though she hasn't emailed back, so that's not very helpful. I also had a panic over the realisation I have yet more presentations to do this year. There's no way, I changed units and everything last year to get out of them! And I thought I would be well enough. Boo. [Ugh][Sigh...]

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Hannahlou84]

I just want to rant, but I won't.

A little upset that I have been persuaded to take medication, even though I don't want too, as it was implied that I wouldn't get the CBT without it.

Thankfully the medication will take a while to sort out.

I am also supposed to be considering a group thing for 'mindfullness', and tbh I can't see it!!! I can't even bring myself to go and see the woman to discuss it.

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Hannahlou84]

The panic attacks are getting more and more severe, I thought it was supposed to get easier? I am really reluctant to see my doctor before the mental health woman gets back to me, I only saw her Thursday, but, am just so low afterwards that am not much in control of food and harming myself. :(

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[andrew]

hi hannahlou

medication takes time to kick in, take it easy on yourself, you can get through this, wishing you some support .. tc andrew

[Karen]

Hi Hannah

Have you actually started the new medication yet? Did you get those other cuts looked at by the doctor?

Please try to look after yourself and have something to eat. I know I can't talk but you know that not eating just makes you feel so much worse and it is harder to deal with these other issues when your body isn't getting the fuel it needs.

You have managed to control the panics before and will again once things start settling down. This is a difficult time for you at the moment with returning to university and sorting the dissertation issues etc.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Hannahlou84]

Hi,

No, I haven't even been told what evilness meds they are going to give me anyway, and I'm not sure if I am even going to take them after the hassle before, I just want them so I can have the CBT....

No, just as I was going to go and panic about the cuts, they seemed to be getting better. Wow, go salt water!

I am hoping I don't actually have to see the psychiatrist and it is done through C, because I can't be arsed to go through stuff all over again!

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Hannahlou84]

And to be honest, I am feeling too low to get out of bed after all the panics during the night.

It's another 'I can't be bothered' day.. My housemates must really hate me. I just can't describe how beyond it I am, I can't even be bothered to be continually checking my email :(

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Marmalade]

Hi Hannahlou

I can really feel for you...I think everyone here has gone through a really ****ty time like you at some point and like you I didn't want to take medication but don't discount it, it can help......hopefully when you really get into the start of the new term the routine will help settle the panic attacks down.
Good luck