have you ever felt like ...

[lotus]

.. you can't recognize yourself anymore because you have become a totally different person, have you ever felt like you don't remember what "normal" is?

I don't really know who I am anymore, I don't remember who I used to be before the panic attacks started.
Nothing makes me happy, I hardly manage to enjoy anything that I do. My life has become just suffering, suffering, suffering, fears, tears, obesessions, symptoms, despair, sadness, guilt, shame, and a whole bunch of other negative things. Hardly anything positive. Ever since I got panic attacks I don't know how to be happy and I don't know who I am. My emotions are somehow ... blurred /could't think of a better word/. I can't love, I can't like, I can't enjoy, I can't experience anything positive. It's so frustrating.
Have you ever felt this way? I can't believe how something like panic can change somebody's life so much. :(

Sorry to be so negative, but I had to attend a lecture today, my first lecture in fact. Dad drove me to the university, and then he left. The classroom was full of people, I sat near the door, but still I felt horrible. I managed to stay in the room for half an hour and then I became so overwhelmed with panic, that I wanted to leave. I told the professor that I need to leave and he made a comment on that and made fun of me and all the other students laughed at me. I felt like sh*t. Why do people always make fun of you when they don't understand the way you feel?
On top of that, my cell phone wasn't working and I couldn't call my dad and ask him to take me home, so I had to pay a lot of money to a taxi driver /in the taxi I felt like I was going to stop breathing any minute/ :(
I don't know if I will be able to attend any of the other lectures, I feel so discouraged and so down and so negative about the whole university thing. I feel useless and guilty and unable to cope with life. :(

[tracyp584]

Indie,

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time. Have you been to see your doctor at all? You sound so overwhelmed with it all, and think it might be good to discuss it with your doctor.



tracy x x



Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.

[eeyorelover]

Hie Indie,
I know that it is really hard when you feel like your life is spiraling out of control because of panic. But believe me, you can get through this and you CAN beat it. If you haven't seen your doctor yet, you really need to go. Also, try and remember that even though it feels like you will stop breathing and you have that feeling like you want to run away, you won't stop breathing and if you stay instead of leaving(it will be hard) you will be able to get through it easier each time you go. It's like facing your fear and conquering it.
You aren't useless and shouldn't feel guilty about it. You are just going through a bad patch right now. believe me, you CAN make it !!!!!
If you need to talk, I am here for you and so are the many others that have gone through this too.


Sandy
(eeyorelover)

If the world didn't suck... we'd all fall off :)

[rois]

Indie that was a horrible thing for the lecturer to do, I've had to leave lectures and seminars cos of panic and the tutors have been lovely, asking if I'm ok. If I were you (I know this might be difficult) I'd confront the lecturer and explain to him about panic. I'm at uni myself and I know how difficult it is, I've made a couple of posts about it. Hope you start to feel better, try and continue going to lectures to beat this, you also sound depressed so you should see your doc, sending you positive thoughts if you need to chat pm me

"Ther goes the fear, let it go. You turn around and life's passed you by, you look to those you love to justify...there goes the fear."

[Meg]

It would be worth speaking/writing to the lecturer. His behaviour caused you a lot of unnecessary distress and anguish.

*I felt like I was going to stop breathing any minute* This doesn't happen with panic however much it feels like it might.





Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[vixstar]

hi indie

i can relate to what you are saying. it does feel like everything is negative. last week i did lots of positive things, i travelled 260 miles yto watch a football match, i used public transport and went shopping on my own, i worked and i also went to my college lessons....but i still feel rubbish, i want to curl up and let everything stop...i just wish all the feelings would go away and let me enjoy my life!

i am so sorry that your lecturer was not helpful, i have had positive responses from mine.

good luck with the rest of the week and if you need someone to moan about stuff to i am around, we can compare college stories!

take care

vikki x x

[lotus]

A little update:

The good news is that on Tuesday I took the bus to the uni on my own /a 40-50 minutes ride/, attended an hour-and-a-half lecture on the history of psychology, got back home /another 40-50 minutes/, and actually survived! In fact, the lecture was rather interesting, the lecturer was really nice, with a sense of humor, so the entire class atmosphere was positive, there were some class discussions /I like discussions a lot/, but I didn't take part because I was a bit nervous and I was afraid that what I say might not make sense. Hopefully I will gain some confidence and participate more actively in the weeks to come.
I couldn't sleep at all last night, but this morning dad drove me to the uni because I had to make some changes in my schedule. He wanted to wait with me in the queue /a huuuge one/, but he got a call from work and had to go there, so he left me alone. Queues always trigger panic attacks, I was tired and stressed, but I managed to wait my turn and make the changes in my schedule despite the panic, then I took a taxi and got home.
Before the semester started I used to go out only in the late afternoons and evenings /because it's more quiet/ and I never used to go very far from home. But now it's different, so the last couple of days were pretty busy, new people, new places, new responsibilities, a lot of city traffic, etc. I'm nervous, emotional, confused and stressed out. It's so difficult, I question my ability to cope and I don't know what is going to happen, but I really want to give it a go. I want to attend my lectures, make friends and enjoy whay I study, but anxiety seems to ruin it all. I'm trying to do everything I want despite the panic attacks because I know that I have to cross the boundaries and limitations that I have artificially created for myself. I try to think positive thoughts and I keep repeating to myself "I'm fine, this is just a panic attack, it will pass in a couple of minutes, I'm safe, I'm OK" etc, but maybe I need to do it more often because I still have some negative scary thoughts too. Thank you everyone for your replies, I was feeling desperate and hopeless when I posted, but I found comfort in them and now I'm a little bit better. Please wish me luck and send some positive vibes, this semester is going to be a tough one.

Take care,
Allie

[Meg]

Allie ,

You are doing really well and I'm so, so pleased that you managed to dig deep and head back to University after your last experience a couple of days ago..

Try to make contact with some of the other students so you have someone for moral support even if you don't tell them about your issues. If you know someone and can chat, its an extra distraction method.

Congratulations indeed.

Oh and a star to Dad too- he's being a great help.



Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[Hannahlou84]

Hi Allie,

Well done on going back! You are a lot braver than me! You are just proving that you CAN do it, which is really great, and I hope you can see this.

You have to remember, lecturers are very rarely people people, if that makes sense? More into the research. Perhaps it might be worth explaining your situation to the University, seeing where that gets you?

Are you still living at home? That can hinder the social side, so have you thought about joining any societies? Any sports that you do?

Take care,
Hannah

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"