It's all about me...

[Hannahlou84]

...well, it isn't, but that's how self-obsessed I am.

I can't cope atm, I am having panic attacks over something I can't talk about here, because it's kind of here, and it's my own fault... but then I can't talk about it anywhere cos people I know will think I'm nuts, believe me I have just tried and was asked if I'm joking, by someone who is kind enough to try and see me through this.

I can't be bothered anymore. I don't want to fight it because everything is just thrown rather obviously in my face, and noone else even knows.

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[nomorepanic]

Hannah

I am a bit confused and don't really understand the post.

Nicola

"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

[Meg]

Hannah,

Sorry you can't talk about it on here. It sounds very complex.

We can help you through the panics themselves, but if the source of your panics is here, maybe you being here a lot isn't going to be the best thing for your recovery as it may add to your anxiety being so close and sooner or later things may get very overwhelming and we wouldn't have wanted to have contributed to that.

If its very private in nature, have you tried seeing a confidential counsellor at university who will be totally nonjudgemental and will be objective and try to help you through this tricky stage of your anxiety.

You take care of yourself Hannah and let us know if there is anything we can do to help you but do think about what is the best for you , not what feeds your anxiety.


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[Hannahlou84]

Sorry. I don't mean to be confusing, I am just stupid.

Being here can help, I just need to get over myself very drastically. It's so stupid that it wouldn't make sense to anyone if I tried to explain. It's just my way of wrecking everything.

It's not like the source of the panic is actually *here*, but it is sometimes, and I'm not sure I can risk it yet... I'm still not making sense!

I'm sorry. I'm just really sorry, if I wasn't such a crap person I would be fine with all this.

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Karen]

Hi Hannah

You are not stupid and no one thinks that. It is just difficult to help with only half the story. You may well find people do understand if you felt able to talk about it, but it is entirely up to you how much you want to tell us.


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm sorry. I'm just really sorry, if I wasn't such a crap person I would be fine with all this.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It is nothing to do with being 'a crap person' Hannah. There are several different issues behind the anxiety and none of them are your fault. We all have difficulty coping sometimes and need some support to come through it, but you will get there.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[mum2four]

Strangly enough I kinda feel like I understand what your on about.

I have been there so many time I may not know what exactly has got you in talk the way you are but i have often had the same sort of conversation with my self and my parnter 1000's time before.

What eva the has gotten to this point right now just try to remember that you are you are not alone and be good to your self as well.

Take a brack from what is your head for while if you can I often like to to turn the music up real loud and just sing to the song either in my head or out loud depending on how I feel. While I'm focusing on the words to the song the other thing's in my head arn't as loud which allow's me time to calm down and take a brack for the world that cause me so much confusion ect.

My favorite song is titled "What about me" cause so often I feel like I may as well be invisable most day's some day I feel invisable. I use to wish that I could become invisable cause at least then there would be a reason why I felt like I was invisable to people.

KNOW THIS YOU ARE 100% NOT STUPID AT ALL If you have to tell your self that a millon time beforwe you start feel like you beleive it that start now cause you are NOT STUPID at all.

What eva you cant cope with right may seem to huge to think about try foucing on something you can cope with and if that mean's just do simple thing's then so be it but the point is you foucing on a more attainable goal right now. If that mean just focusing on finding thing that make you happy then aim for that. We dont have to bare the weight of the world on our own shoulder's. Let people people own there own feeling's and go after thing's that make you happy and if some one dosn't like that then so be it that's there problem. That not say that we should aim to hurt anyone and I'm quiete sure your are NOT AIMING to hurt anyone in anyway. We can only fix's our self and what we know about our self we learn from out mistake's.

You are not NUTS either and you need to make sure you tell your self that. You may feel like you nut cause there to much going on and you feel like every thing is spinning out of control but your not nut's. If any told you that you were nut then really dont care about how a coment like that would hurt a person or thay were aiming to get a bad responce to get you to back down or some thing's comment like that come from from people who just dont are to scared to deal with what ever prompted the reponces in the first place.

There have 2 saying that got me threw a lot of hard times thay didn't make me feel instantly better but thay helped me focus on I the big picture.

Did you ever here any one say "sticks and stone will brack my bones but names will never hurt" its a children chant but it something I now teach my kids. If nothing els it reminded me that I'm still here and no has the right to try to bring me down there level of behaviour.

The other is "A friend is one who take you in when the rest of the world has cast you out" that alway's reminded me that if people can accept me for who I am or that hurt me some way that must not have been a very good friend in the first place. I understand that poeple arnt perfect but I deserve a friend that at least has a give take friend ship with me so to me that mean's We can argue but once the argument is over we can forgive and forget and get on with having fun as friend's.

Life in meant to fun and if people want to bring me down by calling NUT's (which is common accuance :D) then at that point in my life i know that it's time to take brack and I tell my 'friend's' that I dont like some thing and thay did and when thay are ready to forgive and forget I'll be there for them again. Most of the time i dont have friends to hang out with and while that bother's me it is a far less hurtfull thing than putting up a with the behaviour or word's that hurt me in first place.

LOOKING AFTER YOUR OWN HAPPINESS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB YOU HAVE IN THIS WORLD. Without inner peace what do we have and we need to FIGHT FOR OWN HAPPINESS and w

[Hannahlou84]

Thank you, Karen, I think you might get it from my email anyway.. which probably wasn't the best idea, so sorry about that too.

Mum2four- Thank you for your kind message, it was very sweet, and was perfectly clear and made sense. It was also really sweet of you to say I am not stupid when every step I am taking at the moment suggests otherwise. I find the music thing helps me too, particularly more forceful songs, but then that all depends on the type of low mood I'm in.

I just don't feel like I can look after myself, I don't know how too, if other people can't even bring themselves to respect me, how can I? But then they don't because I don't. I don't think I am all here.

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[mum2four]

REPECT start's with your self.

Dont let people decide that you dont deserve respect from your self. You can change the fact that thay donjt respect you but you cvan change the way you feel about your self. It is not selfish to say hay it my turn now to........ what ever it may be. Tell your self you deserve .......... tell your self that I can.......................

Decide what it is that you have to do to get repesct from self. For me is was being truthfull no matter what it's was not doing anything illeagal, it was being a great mum and most of all HAVING FUN WITH MY SELF. As long i abide by my own rule's I am repecting who I am as person and if people dont like me because I dont agree with there illegal act or there dont want to tell me a secret about some one thay dont like cause thay know I will tell the person then so be it what eva it is I have to live with my self and I am responsible for only my feeling I dont have to feel guilty or shame or hate or frustration over other people act's and word's I just have to live my life buy the standard I choose and then if some one shoose to be my friend despite who I am that is great but if thay dont thay miss out on me I wont miss them cause I dont want some one in my life that cant be happy with who I am. I'm a friend for life but I wont be walked over i acept give a take. If I decide at anypoint that i need to change for what eva reason than that will be my choice I wont do it cause every one hate's something about me. I live in an area where cheating in so many different way's is considered normal but i wont cheat/lie just to fit in or be acepted. I will be a friend to a person who cheat's or lie's but If i catch them doing it with me or trying to drag me down with them then i take a huge step back and say enough that's your life not mine when.

I seperated my self from everyone around me for many year's because I wasn't ready to deal with them i dodn't know who i was at all and had never really know who i was I just let everyone around tell me who I was and when I finaly started telling people who i was as a person thay all got angry and I said to me self that i dont need people like that. I couldn't function with people telling me I was wrong about who I was. I couldn't function with my brain telling me not to upset people in anyway but also not to upset my self either. That's when I realised that I need my self more thay I needed my friend's if I wasn't here then I'd have no friends anyway and refused to let people cheat me out of a happy life with my family. I had to fight for my self and my family i deserved to my own best friend.

YOU DESERVE TO BE YOUR OWNBEST FRIEND AS WELL if people see that as being selfish then so be it you have to live with you and once you earn your own repect you will find it so much easier to earn the respect of other people and people who cant repect you have there own issues to deal with.

LET YOUR SELF LOVE YOUR SELF LET YOUR SELF ENJOY YOUR SELF LET YOUR SELF RESPECT YOUR SELF.

Just because the majority of people around you say something that dose non make it true. If I beleieved everyone around me i would have become who thay told me I was. Everyone told me I didn't deserve to be a mum i couldn't control my kids I couldn't do anything right at all. I was not perfect but when I finaly got the strenght to go with my gut feeling which was 8 year later i was finaly got an answer to why my son was the way he was. November last year I was told my son had asperger syndrome that was a releif for me I finaly prove to my self that my gut instinct is far more correct than I gave my self credit for.

The power of positive thinking is a very strong thing.

TRUST YOUR SELF LIKE YOUR SELF BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND.

[Hannahlou84]

Thank you. I will try. When I am away from people from my past it is a little easier.

I am really cross with myself at the moment, having reacted to thinsg really badly in last few days. It doesn't help I haven't slept though. Sorry for being a pain...

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[mum2four]

I glad to hear that will try.

A good start would be let your anger go you dont have to be angry at your self getting cross and down at your self for having feeling is putting a expection on your self that is just way to high you have the right to feel angry at the people that upset you but dont kick your self as well.

Tell your self that thata you have the right to be angry at ...... and then after that you have the right go right back to your life again and feel happy with who you are.

You are not a pain at all and tell your self that you are who you and either decide to like your self or decide to change the thing you dont like only if you truly feel that you dont like who you are. From everything you have writen I get impression that you are a nice person who just feels like thay dont have control of there life right now. We can't control the world we are in but we can control who we are in the world we live in. Starting with saying I have to right to control who I will be in this world.

[Hannahlou84]

I feel even worse today, and again nothing seems to be helping.. I am so so tired, which is adding to the irrationality.

I feel really rude and stupid for not posting anywhere else at the moment, I am reading things, but I am just so scared of messing up again that I can't say anything. WHere I was before I wrecked everything.

Just feel really low, and am still in bed. I love how the complete despair is alternating so nicely with the horrid panics. I don't want to see anyone, cos I just feel like I am wasting there time, I am ignoring my flatmates when they knock.. but I don't want to be alone either. :(

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Hannahlou84]

I can't cope with myself when I am like this at all. I tell everyone around me I am fine, or say no, but then they don't understand anyway. It's so consuming. I don't know what I am supposed to do to get through it. Crying isn't getting me anywhere, yet, I just can't find anything else that someone won't yell at me for. :( On the plus side I have resisted the urge to hurt myself, but then, I'm just to exhausted to do it really.

I want my mum, really really badly, not that she would be any help anyway. I don't think I can wait til Thursday when I have to see the Uni Mental Health Advisor again, I need to have someone rationalise with me at the moment... thing is though, I won't see what i need to then, because it never seems as bad as it is.

My friends don't even want to see me.. but then looking back over my posts I'm not surprised, and really doubt anyone else is.

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Sax]

((((hugs)))) Hannah,

I'm really sorry you are feeling so low and having such a hard time at the moment.

I'm sorry I am not a good reader so i appologise if i repeat things from previous responses however a couple of points I wanted to cover.

Firstly, what meds are you taking for your panics or depression or both?

Also, you said 'I can't cope with myself when I am like this' I feel you are not accepting that at the moment you are in a deep state of depression which you need to slowly but surely accept to be able to move on. Accept that today you are not feeling up to much and without fighting those feelings you can feel a little calmer.

Your self esteem and self confidence is very low and I think you are doing so very well to post at this time. It will help you to express your thoughts and concerns and hear peoples responses and know you are not alone.

Keep going Hannah and feel free to come into 'chat room' for a distraction or to talk, or just come in and listen, it helps sometimes to be amongst like minded people who can sympathise or empathise with you or come in to distract you from your thoughts.

Take care and maybe catch you in chat

Sax xxx[8D]

[Hannahlou84]

Hi,

I am not on any medication at the moment, I have been on heaps, but most recently Seroxat, which I stopped taking because it was making me ill.

Yeah, I need to accept it and move on.

Thank you for your support.

Hannah

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"