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stimpy
04-10-05, 02:03
I'm sorry I haven't been in touch lately, I've had a chest infection and it set my panics off and I have had to start learning stuff all over again.
Never mind lets hope this is just a glitch.

I could really use some advice about a friend of mine.

I have been chatting to an internet friend for about 3 weeks.
We have been in regular contact either by phone calls or MSN.

I believe that my friend suffers from a phycological need to be loved.
Almost to the point of obsessiveness.
Every relationship he has had has been short lived, resulting in him hurting himself or threatening to commit sucide.
He is only ever happy when someone loves him and contantly tells him they love him.

Tonight I had several phone calls after a girl dumped him, he lost his job and was kicked out of the place he was staying. And I made several attempts to calm him down. I ended up calling the police to pick him up because I really believed he was going to harm himself.
He was admitted to a mental hospital.

I really do care what happens to my friend.
But I have no idea what to do. I am at my wits end.
One half of my brain is telling me to help and support him.
The other half is telling me to get the hell away because I don't want to become the next object of affection.

He states that his family want nothing to do with him, and that is making me feel guilty for the half of my brain that tells me to get the hell away.

The last thing I want is to look after this person that I have only known for a few weeks, and no way would Steve tollerate it and to be honest I couldn't tollerate it either. I can just about look after myself.
Not to mention the fact I have this fear of him becoming obsessively attached to me.

I want to help him. But I really don't know what to do.
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.


Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.


[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

eeyorelover
04-10-05, 04:55
Hi Liz -
I know that you want to help him and it is a very noble thing to want to stand by your friend but, just keep in mind that you can only do so much - he has to do the hard part and change his behavior. After all, you have to look out for yourself too. I know that to some people that probably sounds really selfish but I have been there - trying to be everyone's everything, taking care of everyone else, only to have my own health and wellbeing go down the crapper because of it. It was always hard for me to say no to anyone (which explains why I have so many children - just kidding). I have had to prioritize(sp) and be able to tell people that I have to spend time on me.
I would say, be there to listen but also let him know that he has to make the choice to get help.
good luck

Sandy
(eeyorelover)

If the world didn't suck... we'd all fall off :)

in1peace
04-10-05, 06:49
Hi Liz!
Sounds like you already are seeing 'red flags'. Don't ignore them. They are warning you and you are right to be very, very cautious! I am so proud of you for taking such a courageous step to help your friend. That is HUGE!! You did a very good thing! It must have been very difficult.
Hang in there and trust your instincts on this one. Mine are going off like bells and whistles for you!! LOL!
(((((((hugs)))))))))))
Andrea

"Honey, if ya ain't feelin' the bumps in the road, ya ain't goin' nowhere!" (A wise Georgia Granny's take on living life to the fullest! LOL!)

stimpy
04-10-05, 12:10
Thanks guys :D

The thing that is throwing up these "red flags" was this (what I felt) was emotional black mail.
"if you don't help me I'm going to kill myself" attitude he has.
Which to me means "if I die you are going to feel horrible and guilty and it will serve you right for not helping me."

He even asked if he could come and find me and stay here !!
"To which my answer was sorry mate we just don't have the room, you can't stay here". Which was way more polite that what Steve said :o !

Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.


[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

Karen
04-10-05, 13:43
Hi Liz


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The thing that is throwing up these "red flags" was this (what I felt) was emotional black mail.
"if you don't help me I'm going to kill myself" attitude he has.
Which to me means "if I die you are going to feel horrible and guilty and it will serve you right for not helping me."
<div align="right">Originally posted by stimpy - 04 October 2005 : 12:10:25</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This definitely is emotional blackmail.

It is important to remember that no matter what he says, he is responsible for his own actions, just as we all are. You are not responsible for what he does, no matter what he says about it. I can understand it is tempting to want to be able to help but you need to look after yourself and put yourself first.

Sounds like he has some pretty serious issues and needs some professional help with this. Is he still in hospital?

I have a problem with obsessive emotional attachments to people and I worry that my behaviour is manipulative because of this. However, I wouldn't say to the person I am attached to that I will kill myself if they don't help me, nor would I blame that person either. I would blame myself for having this problem in the first place and needing the person I have feelings of attachment to.

I can understand his 'need' to a certain extent but I do think he overstepped the line and you have done the right thing by protecting yourself.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

nomorepanic
04-10-05, 14:10
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm sorry I haven't been in touch lately, I've had a chest infection and it set my panics off and I have had to start learning stuff all over again.

[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

<div align="right">Originally posted by stimpy - 04 October 2005 : 02:03:13</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Hiya Liz - we were wondering how you were doing. Sorry to hear that you have not been well and I hope you can bounce back soon.

This is a hard one cos we would all love to reach out and help someone in a similar position but sometimes we need to step back and protect ourselves as well. It sounds like he is putting a lot of responsibility on you to "look after" him and that is not fair when you are not 100% yourself.

It will be hard to say No but I think you need to explain kindly (but firmly) that you are not experienced enough to cope with him and help him in the way that he needs.

Not sure that helped much but just thought I would offer my support anyway.

Nicola

"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

stimpy
05-10-05, 03:01
Thanks ever so much for your words of wisdom :D

Yes he is still in hospital and tells me they will not discharge him until they have found him somewhere to stay. So that is a worry taken care of.

I want to help him - but I can't. I haven't the experience, nor lifestyle.
I am still sorting myself out.
I can't take responsibilty for him what choices he makes in life are up to him. - so yes you guys are quite right.

And yes thank you I am bouncing back slowly - and with a few minor wobbles
but okay and keeping busy :D

Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.


[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

Meg
05-10-05, 05:33
Glad you're getting over your blip Liz. Keep doing all those things you know will help.


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?