very sad, disappointed, sick

[alba]

I am so so sad, depress disappointed sick now, i am so sad when my hubby said that when i can't sleep at night, he's awake 2am , he look at me, my face he said is ugly, look so gouchy, unhappy in my sleep, (in my heart maybe he think i look like ugly devil). i am so sad, i expect he to look at me like an angel during my sleep, but he say i look so unhappy gouchy, (maybe ugly). i am so sad, disappointed, i never want to sleep next to him anymore, and i cried whole night, he never even say sorry.i am so sick now.i really feel i am a big failure in life. i feel so giddy sudenly when i am so sad abt this. of what he said. a husband telling a wife, she sleep sougly and not gouchy looking (maybe like devil, that mythoughts). helpme i am drowning.i think i am going to be sick again.

[xfilme]

That is not a nice thing to say to anyone. How does he knoe what HE looks like sleeping. Have you asked about talking therapy? Speaking to a counsellor or something to help?

(in my heart maybe he think i look like ugly devil) <<< maybe you could do with some help looking into how you feel about yourself. It sound like you have lost confidence in yourself. I have issues of self loathing which makes me feel ugly regardless of anything anyone says. It doesnt make life easy.

I am sure you dont look like and ugly devil. It does not sound like you husband is particularly helpful or supportive with regards your anxiety and health. I hope his attitude on this occasion is not a regular occurrence?

[suzy-sue]

That is certainly a very cruel and unkind way to talk to you Alba.Have you told him how upset his remarks make you ? You wrote a while back about the way he is towards you ,and I wonder if maybe his attitude towards you is contributing to your Panic and anxiety .That combined with the unhappiness you suffer with your job.Things will never be any better if you dont address the issues that are causing you to feel this way ,even medication ,which I know you dont like taking .Perhaps it would be a good Idea for councelling for both of you ,as it seems your relationship has nowhere to go right now .You say he wont talk to you ? well maybe if you wrote your feeling down in a letter to him he would read it and see what an uncaring unsupportive person he is .If not I would consider your future with him very carefully .After all Life is too short to drink bad wine .We all need to feel loved .Take care Sue x:hugs:

[Carla louise]

Alba, I agree with suzy-sue entirely that counselling for both of you is the way forward. I am so sorry that you feel so hurt and it is cruel for your husband to make you feel this way. Do talk to him (at a good time,not when one of you is emotional or cross) about how this has made you feel, or alternatively write the letter as sue suggested. I very much doubt that he views you in a negative way but he has a responsibility to make this right and he should be supporting you, and cherishing you. Hugs, Carla Louise xxxx

[alba]

thanks, to him, it's not hurting me, he said he is saying the right thing and he did not make it up, he say when he wake up in 2am or can't sleep he just will watch how i sleep,he sayhe notice my face so gouchy so stress and so tight like i am not happy and angry with someone. i am so hurt he say that, i just want him to look at me in my sleep and feel loving me like iam his angel, but he say i look not good in my sleep. to him he is saying right thing, so he act like nothing is wrong or hurt,i am the one that is hurt, and everyday i feel i am drunk or taking drugs, i feel so hurt that i don't care anymore.
maybe i do sleep uglymaybe i am so streesssful of my life, i am stress at work, ihate going to work, maybe that cause me to stress of my life.and i am so confuse with my life. can daytime stress make us look strain stress face during our sleep. every night i dream bad things,and i wake so sick and tired. he say i snore so much oh no, i am big trouble. ia m so stress of everything, everyone say i 've ntohing to stress abt, got good life, but all this bad things is in me.

[xfilme]

Are you sure he wasnt meaning that he doesnt like to see you looking so stressed in your sleep? not in the sense that he is implying you are ugly, but meaning he is concerned because when you sleep he can see that you are not relaxed. If he were not attracted to you, he would not lie awake watching you sleep, he would find something else to do?

[alba]

thanks xfilme i laugh, it just lighten up my heart when i read yr words, it's so funny, when u say he would not lie awake watching you sleep, it's so funny becos he's been complaining that the past few mths i cannot sleep at night every night he is awaken by his dream or by my snore, and he couldn't get back to sleep, he is jeolus to see me and my kids sleeping so nicely, so i guess he watch the way we sleep becos he got nothing else to do, becos of my snoring too loudly poking his ears, and my kids snoring too, so he's awake every night, and by chance i guess he saw my sleeping face, (i never knew i am so ugly in my sleep, until he say so), for so many years he never mention, but he just mention it tat day, i thought of asking him how abt those 18yrs i am sleeping with him, do i look this urgly or maybe i am getting older now, im 38 yrs this years, so maybe getting older i guess, but yeah , my face always gouchy, i don'tknow why, i guess i worry, think too much of everything, alot of things have been in my mind on my waking times, i never stop worrying or thinking alot is about work and thinking when can i ever be happy woman when can i be full time housewife taking care of house and family, i am so sick of all people at work hurting, looking down on me, talking behind my back, it's very hurting, esp the bullies where they can't wait to see my downfall or soemthing bad happening to me, i am so conscious abt that. i even dream alot at night, that sometimes i wake up breatheles, tired and giddy. but nowdays it is so difficult for me to catch my breathe, i can't seem to breathe properly, i have to yawn or open up my mouth and yawn so widely to catch my breathe, i am also worried abt my health, i am diagnosed with labile bp (and doc change my medication from atentolol to soemthing else that she say will protect mykidney), why must she change, just becos my big mouth complaining to her that why is it my bp always go up, and she say ok, i change yr medication so as to protect yr kidney, and i did my cholesterol check it is so high total cholersterol is 6.2, wow i am so so worried abt my cholesterol, high bp, and my muscle tension, headache, giddy, all this is really driving me insane, and getting more sick, i worried all the time for whole my time i am so worried, and sometimes,i just get dizzy giddy, for no reason esp when i am in shopping complex, it make me scared to go out, i am so scared all my life, i don't know what tirgger it and i want it to stop, i am tired of all this, why me. i am so sad, stress, and my mum say my face look so old and sickly, and i can't even seem to stand properly i am always out of balance, i slant alot when i walk, and i am always feeling hurt, sad, down and broken all my 24hrs of life, even in my sleep.

i hate itnow i can't catch my breathe, it is feeling so breatheless , heart beating fast to.

anyway now i am not taking any cholesterol medication (even doc gave) but i try not to, i try to contrl my diet, and i don't take her bp medciation , i continue with my 25mg atenolol. becos i think i complain abt my bp too much to her. she did my 24hrs bp test, it showed normal.

but my another gp force me to take 50mg atneolol, he say i must protect my heart, he say i may damage my heart, if my bp high, but when he check my bp always go to 155/90, and when my cardio check it's 140/80, or my other doc check it's 120/80, so i am so confuse. what is wrong.

now i am worried, i am having low back pain, the pain is so worst when iwake up in the morning. yesterday i dream that i have avery very bad backache(low backache)< in my dreams i can't even stand, and the funny thing i am awaken by the pain, and when i wake up , yes in real life i do hv very painful low backache, until i can't stand or wake up, the pain awoke me from my sleep. i don't know why one after another diesease come to me. i am so lost and down now. but when i accidentally touch hot pot i feel good, it takes away all my other pain.

[alba]

yeah i always dream hope before myhubby say this, he always say he watch me and my kids sleep , in my heart i am quite conscious, like can he see me in the dark or how do i look in my sleep , do i look sweet, cool, relax like an angel, i wish to look like an angel when i sleep becos i am unconscious of my look so he caught me unaware, i hope i look nice, can you imagine when he say u look ugly, u look so bad, gouchy angry unhappy face in yr face, wow, it really blow me, i feel so ashame, and so sad, i can't even dare to turn my face to him now, i keep on covering my face with my pilliow, but after asleep i can't control anymore, i just wish , make him promise never to look at me if i sleeping again, if he dare, i promise i sleep in another room, i wish there's a mask i can put on , before i always make sure to do face cleansing all the steps to look pretty before sleeping, now i don't care anymore, becos he's seen my ugly face, and no matter what make up i use before sleep, i still look gouchy. now i want to learn how to make me look good even in my sleep. i think i must learn to relax, learn to let go and not to wory, but it's not easy as being said.

[xfilme]

regardless of how we all look on the outside to others alba we are all beautiful on the inside. as much as you worry about the way you look, i just as often think badly about the way i look. you need to keep your chin up and realise how well you are doing. we are always here if you want to talk to us. i dont know what you look like.... but i know you are beautiful. Everybody is.... x