Paralysed

[Annabelle]

I'm stuck. I have reached a place with my anxiety and agoraphobia where I rarely have an anxiety attack unless I have to do something out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone is just that - comfortable. I work for 2 hours in the morning cleaning about 10 mins from my house. When I get home I play on the internet or watch tv, if i'm doing an open university course towards my degree I'll do a bit of studying. I will walk the dog or have tea if a friend pops round. In the evening when my boyfriend frinishes work I will go to his house and we might have dinner together, or we might go and have a drink at the pub or see a few friends. At the weekends I go and watch him play cricket or I'll potter about with my mum. If my bf is around we might pop into town and wander around if it's quiet. I live with my parents so don't pay any bills or rent etc and I get taken places by my bf or sister in the car if it's too far for me to walk without anxiety - Nice life really.

Thats the problem. It's not really a life. I am too scared to move foward - to try and better myself and my situation because i know it will cause me anxiety, and in my own little comfort zone things arent all that bad.
I can't live at home forever - i'm not sure i want to despite how nice it is! I need to grow up and have my own space and look after myself. I need to be able to drive myself places - plus that would increase my independence as i could take myself places and not have to rely on others for lifts. I need to get a proper job to support myself, to have my own money and to buy my own place etc etc... I have been waiting for these things to happen but knowing deep down they won't until i do something about it.

Trouble is if i do something about it and fail then there is no - one to blame but myself. If i fail and end up worse anxiety wise then i am now then t hat would be terrible. But if i dont move foward - is it equally as terrible to be stuck in the situation i am now - existing but not living?
I feel paralysed - too scared to move foward in case i fall back. I am always waiting - like one day i'm going to wake up and things will have happend to make it better - what do i thinks going to happen exactly? the anxiety faries will come in and take it all away so when i wake up i will have no fear about changing my life?
what if this is it for me? what if this is as good as i get? what if this is me forever - this was all i was meant to have on my cards. All these plans i have in my head for travelling and working and living - maybe thats all they will ever be, dreams - not everyone gets a happy ending do they?

i'm sorry this turned into a rant - i think i just needed to get a few things out that have been circling in my head for a while.
What upsets me is that i know underneath all this i am a strong person - but somehow it all got lost. I can't even remember who i was before - i feel like im mourning for who might have been .

ok cheery face back on - musn't grumble.

anna xx

[pammy1944]

well anna .........i really wish i could do the things you do ..........good luck xx

[Annabelle]

oh god - id didn't mean to whine about not being able to do stuff - i'm sorry I do understand that there are people worse off than me - because i've been there -i've been to terrified to step out my front door - i was like that for a long time, i't's taken me years and years to get to this place - i'm sorry i'm really really sorry. im sorry

[Annabelle]

:frown: does anyone else feel like this?

[12ema]

HI Anna , you should be really proud of yourself for getting to where you are now because you said at one point you couldn't leave your front door.so be proud of how far youve come. But i know what you mean about being to scared to move forwards because your scared youl go backwards.Im agoraphobic and cant believe how hard it is pushing yourself to go out and to go places that scare you but ive decided im not going to live with this, you can't let this anxiety control you. i now say to myself if i panic while im out its a good thing because il learn from it that nothing bad happened to me as i always think something terrible will happen to me. really push yourself to do the things that scare you that way you will loose your fears and you will move forwards.im really scared doing anything on my own and rely way to much on others but i know il have to do something about this...its gonna be hard and scary but id rather go through it all than live my life like this. X X

[sb001f8994]

Hi Anna,
Yes Im affraid to move forward. I dont feel as anxious as I used to and I have started going out a little bit but rely on my parents a lot and Im 47! Im scared of moving forward, as much as the world beyond my comfort zone is exciting its also very scary. I also know my life will change big time and I dont know if Im ready for that. Sounds silly being frightened to move on and pull myself out of this rut but I am. Ive got so used to living the way I do I think I need someone to give me a huge boot up the bum to get me motivated.
Take care,
Carol x

[pammy1944]

you can do it emma .......good luck xx

[12ema]

Aw thankyou! its gona be really hard but theres no other way of overcoming this x x

[Annabelle]

Thankyou for your replies - It's good to know that other people feel like this as well. I'm getting better at letting the anxiety happen as you say ema- just got to do it! But finding the motivation to pull yourself out of a comfortable rut is hard - if i sit and think about it too much it all seems a bit to hard to contemplate.

thankyou again though - its good too know that there is always support here - it gets me through the bad times

xxx

[auqeam]

Hi Annabelle,

I can really relate to your post, as I used to be pretty bad and i'm now living a normal life, only with the odd occurance. You say you are doing an OU degree? Well that in itself is most definately moving forward! I am also doing one, it's the best thing I have ever done and although I am scared of failing it, deep down I know if I don't try I will never realise my own capabilites, sheer hard work and a passion for my subject keeps me going and you should be proud of how far you have come and what you have achieved already and build on that. Never ever be afraid to fail, it is a natural human state but in reality it hardly ever happens... people overcome hurdles and although you might not realise it at the time you will be a small step closer to the person you want to be. 4 years ago I couldn't leave my house without feeling like I was walking 'sideways' and the pavement was moving around under my feet, I was scared to go out on occasion. Now it is so different, life feels good most of the time and i'm working towards achieving my studying goals, something I could not have ever imagined happening! Sorry I don't mean to sound like 'i'm ok life is amazing' because it isn't always but I'm just trying to prove that it can change completely if you want it to enough... good luck xxxxx