making sence out the jumble in my head

[mum2four]

I keep have these moment's like nothing I did or felt in the past really real and that maybe I made it up for attenstion. I know that I have always had people telling me I just do thing's for attenstion or that I make up thing's wrong with for attenstion like headach's and fatigue ect. People have told me time and time again that I remebered something wrong when I'm so positive that I really am remebering it right. This has lead to a lot of arguing with self about what is real in my head and what is not or if anything is real or everything could be real. I have had a lot of moment's of looking around me a thinking is my life real which have been mostly positive uplifting moment's but then evently that feeling come's crashing down because some els has yet again informed me that I'm wrong about something. How can I be wrong about so many thing's and be confidant that my memorys of my actions and feeling are right.

I dont get depressed about issues theses day but it still confuses me alot. It's prety a daily question that spikes to real need to know about once week. I'm have a realy bad short term memory but I can remember things for years ago well at least I think I can. In moment's like this I question almost everything about my self but when it passes I know that i feel like I was really silly for having the moment of self doubt. I question the very essence of who I am and have to tear my down before i can build my slef up again. I dont really know why a little think like forgeting to pay a bill can cause me to question everything about myself.

Why dose it feel like i have to sort the fantacy from the reality when there never seem to be any fantacy when I finaly get everything sorted out in my head. How can people tell me I'm too honerts and living in a fantacy world at the same time. I feel like I'm living a life full of catch 22's. How come people tell to pull my self self together and have fun and then once I do that shooty me down again picking on everything that is me. I perty high spirited with lot's of energy when I'm up which is also my down fall cause when I come crashing down I crash. I try to balence my mood's but when I do I feel like it is so much harder to control my self what do i say when do I say who do I say it to how will that take it will I talk to loud will I have to much energy will I come across as rude will I come across as stareing at them will I have poor eye contact will the person talk to me will the person .................................................. .. the list of question that race's threw my head everything I see a person. Give 20 screaming toddler's and I'll know what to do. Put in a room with any amout of adults Iand the first little negative act or word with start the whole anxiety process which feed's on each little negative thing that accure's from that point on.

I'm not having a bad anxiety day today more like a bad thinking day. The are connected to a point cause if try to do much on a bad thinking day then the risk of also haveing bad anxiety day is 10x more likly. It is day's like today that just feel like i cant handle the world I'm in put a bubble over my house an dont let any of part of life get in my way. I dont want bill's i dont want people i dont want money I just want to peace and quiet with no negativeness to add to my battle with my own negativeness. I spose i just feel like I'm sick of being pulled in 1000's different direction. I sick of wondering when I'm going to come crashing down again I'm sick of feeling I really dont have control over anything. I know thinking that way is proberly causeing my reaction to the situation. I soppose I'm struggle to come to term's with how long it take to put all the anxiety behind me. It dosn't help that I dont really know how I'm aim to feel cause In truth I have alway's had issues with anxiety and depression so How will I know If I eva realy feel the best I can eva feel. If you have never known what it's truly is to be at peace with you head and your body respond the right way to how you are feeling then how do yo

[Antipodes]

Hi mum2four,

What you describe isn't too different to what I have experienced. It is confidence eroding isn't it. I think my memory is fine but I get reminded or contradicted about some differences.

Is your issue anxiety/panic only or is it associated with something else (I'm a PTSD-er for instance)? I ask this because if you have a background "other" disorder (like me) then what you describe is simply part of the problem. In my case, I am about to have cognitive behaviour therapy because what I think about something isn't necessarily what others might be thinking. e.g a person you know walks by you without saying hello. One might think "I have upset her and she doesn't want to talk to me" whereas another might think "oh that;s unusual, he/she must be a bit engrossed or troubled, I'll give her/him a ring later to see how he/she is".

This is confidence eroding too. It can casue one to question perceptions about everything. But it really isn't that bad mum2four so please try and be less sensitised to this issue and relax some. Hard to say I know but it works better.

Please discuss this with your therapist (I don't rate GP's as particularly competent in this therapy area, I'm afraid) and he/she will give you some handouts that explain what you've commented on already. Then you will be enlightened but still (like me) confused from time to time).

I hope this helps some.

Antipodes ('cos I'm in NZ and the forum is in UK)

[mum2four]

I dont really get one idea in my head about thing's like i get every idea at once. If some one walked past me a person I know or some I dont dosn't matter then a rush of reason for why thay might not have said hello will hit me one after the other and then I pick the best option but in truth I question my self telling my self because I dont feel i have the right info in my head to realy know what the person didn't say hello to me. More often than not when I decide to tell my self a positive reason for why someone I know didn't say hello in the past it has proven to be a bad way to think about it the problem is that every thing that still cause me anxiety has a real basis for the fear if it didn't have a real basis I could easily over come it. The only problem with using my past as guide for the future is that I my fear of repeating history stop's me from making new friend's. It's a trust issues as much as an anxiety issue I dont trust my self not to become defensive or come across as defensive to people.

I have alway been angry at the world right from as young as I could remember I was angry at my mum for having me and I told her so the whole time i was living at there it took me till i was about 24 to really get over wishing i was not born. That proberly sound really stupid but is was how i felt. I dont really know why I was angry at the world but i was and I now have 6 year old who has been just as angry if not more than i was growing up. The difference is that i know how she feel inside and ot has helped to deal with her. At school I would sit under a desk and just bang my head on the table. I did that because I was more scared of running out of the class room than sitting there looking like a idiot teacher scared me and more than being teased by kids. I would bite and hit teacher's out of anger if thay tryed to remove me from the class room cause I new I was heading for the office and i would sooner walked in front of a car than get punished for what to me was just acting out cause I was scared but to other it was seen as attenstion seeking and trouble making. The was no trafic at the school i went to thank goodness but I was I was in a fit of anger nothing would have stopped me. My daughter was threating to walk in front of car's at the age of 3 she new thay were dangerous but if she got away me and she was strong there was no going near her if I took one step forward she took one step back and the Dr's told me she'll grow out her anger and sent me away. I had her in a stroller till she was 4 and half because she was just so angry and walking was just to dangerous that was a good and a bad thing for my anxiety I'm stronger now for have to face everyone critacisim for having a 4 y old in pram and not being able to control her when she was angry(which was every day all day till she started school).

The truth is I know how to get past the anxiety and it's not going to be as simple as just being positive to my self althought that has got me to the point of where I am now and I still need that to keep the progress going in the right direction. I need to face my past and come to term's with better before I can make anymore major change's in my life. The problem is that facing my past and coming to term's with it cause's the anxiety to hit the roof cause i have alway's felt like there may be something in my past that I just dont want to relive or come to term's with. I soppose you could say i have a chip on my sholder that i dont want to let to go but at the same time i know that if I dont let it go I will never reach my full happiness and then the people that help provide the chip on my shoulder will win out in the end.

I had the same repeated thought's and image's for my whole life which really fuel my fear's and anxiety and untill I make I sence of it all I will never be free.

I'm sorry for the long winded post's it not even 1/4 of what's in my head right now. I meant to go back to the Dr fri and talk to him about seeing the phycologist. That's really what has got me thinking, the last time i tryed talk