mum2four
05-10-05, 00:53
I keep have these moment's like nothing I did or felt in the past really real and that maybe I made it up for attenstion. I know that I have always had people telling me I just do thing's for attenstion or that I make up thing's wrong with for attenstion like headach's and fatigue ect. People have told me time and time again that I remebered something wrong when I'm so positive that I really am remebering it right. This has lead to a lot of arguing with self about what is real in my head and what is not or if anything is real or everything could be real. I have had a lot of moment's of looking around me a thinking is my life real which have been mostly positive uplifting moment's but then evently that feeling come's crashing down because some els has yet again informed me that I'm wrong about something. How can I be wrong about so many thing's and be confidant that my memorys of my actions and feeling are right.
I dont get depressed about issues theses day but it still confuses me alot. It's prety a daily question that spikes to real need to know about once week. I'm have a realy bad short term memory but I can remember things for years ago well at least I think I can. In moment's like this I question almost everything about my self but when it passes I know that i feel like I was really silly for having the moment of self doubt. I question the very essence of who I am and have to tear my down before i can build my slef up again. I dont really know why a little think like forgeting to pay a bill can cause me to question everything about myself.
Why dose it feel like i have to sort the fantacy from the reality when there never seem to be any fantacy when I finaly get everything sorted out in my head. How can people tell me I'm too honerts and living in a fantacy world at the same time. I feel like I'm living a life full of catch 22's. How come people tell to pull my self self together and have fun and then once I do that shooty me down again picking on everything that is me. I perty high spirited with lot's of energy when I'm up which is also my down fall cause when I come crashing down I crash. I try to balence my mood's but when I do I feel like it is so much harder to control my self what do i say when do I say who do I say it to how will that take it will I talk to loud will I have to much energy will I come across as rude will I come across as stareing at them will I have poor eye contact will the person talk to me will the person .................................................. .. the list of question that race's threw my head everything I see a person. Give 20 screaming toddler's and I'll know what to do. Put in a room with any amout of adults Iand the first little negative act or word with start the whole anxiety process which feed's on each little negative thing that accure's from that point on.
I'm not having a bad anxiety day today more like a bad thinking day. The are connected to a point cause if try to do much on a bad thinking day then the risk of also haveing bad anxiety day is 10x more likly. It is day's like today that just feel like i cant handle the world I'm in put a bubble over my house an dont let any of part of life get in my way. I dont want bill's i dont want people i dont want money I just want to peace and quiet with no negativeness to add to my battle with my own negativeness. I spose i just feel like I'm sick of being pulled in 1000's different direction. I sick of wondering when I'm going to come crashing down again I'm sick of feeling I really dont have control over anything. I know thinking that way is proberly causeing my reaction to the situation. I soppose I'm struggle to come to term's with how long it take to put all the anxiety behind me. It dosn't help that I dont really know how I'm aim to feel cause In truth I have alway's had issues with anxiety and depression so How will I know If I eva realy feel the best I can eva feel. If you have never known what it's truly is to be at peace with you head and your body respond the right way to how you are feeling then how do yo
I dont get depressed about issues theses day but it still confuses me alot. It's prety a daily question that spikes to real need to know about once week. I'm have a realy bad short term memory but I can remember things for years ago well at least I think I can. In moment's like this I question almost everything about my self but when it passes I know that i feel like I was really silly for having the moment of self doubt. I question the very essence of who I am and have to tear my down before i can build my slef up again. I dont really know why a little think like forgeting to pay a bill can cause me to question everything about myself.
Why dose it feel like i have to sort the fantacy from the reality when there never seem to be any fantacy when I finaly get everything sorted out in my head. How can people tell me I'm too honerts and living in a fantacy world at the same time. I feel like I'm living a life full of catch 22's. How come people tell to pull my self self together and have fun and then once I do that shooty me down again picking on everything that is me. I perty high spirited with lot's of energy when I'm up which is also my down fall cause when I come crashing down I crash. I try to balence my mood's but when I do I feel like it is so much harder to control my self what do i say when do I say who do I say it to how will that take it will I talk to loud will I have to much energy will I come across as rude will I come across as stareing at them will I have poor eye contact will the person talk to me will the person .................................................. .. the list of question that race's threw my head everything I see a person. Give 20 screaming toddler's and I'll know what to do. Put in a room with any amout of adults Iand the first little negative act or word with start the whole anxiety process which feed's on each little negative thing that accure's from that point on.
I'm not having a bad anxiety day today more like a bad thinking day. The are connected to a point cause if try to do much on a bad thinking day then the risk of also haveing bad anxiety day is 10x more likly. It is day's like today that just feel like i cant handle the world I'm in put a bubble over my house an dont let any of part of life get in my way. I dont want bill's i dont want people i dont want money I just want to peace and quiet with no negativeness to add to my battle with my own negativeness. I spose i just feel like I'm sick of being pulled in 1000's different direction. I sick of wondering when I'm going to come crashing down again I'm sick of feeling I really dont have control over anything. I know thinking that way is proberly causeing my reaction to the situation. I soppose I'm struggle to come to term's with how long it take to put all the anxiety behind me. It dosn't help that I dont really know how I'm aim to feel cause In truth I have alway's had issues with anxiety and depression so How will I know If I eva realy feel the best I can eva feel. If you have never known what it's truly is to be at peace with you head and your body respond the right way to how you are feeling then how do yo