Feeling very silly

[Hannahlou84]

To shorten this a little, I basically have this male tutor who was my PT last year, who was a complete waste of space, he used to scare me anyway, but was unsympathetic to my issues, and really slated my dissertation proposal on marking. Which would be fine, but he didn't have a problem with it before, but now he has agreed to be my supervisor, and I really, really don't want him too, and it's making me anxious.

I have just spoken to my aunt on the phone, who whilst she can see my point, she thinks I am acting like a child. The email he sent is: "I marked your piece when it came in and it passed (though I can't
remember the exact
mark). My advice is not to worry overly about the proposal as the
process of
supervision will help answer your questions. You'll have plenty of time
to refine the
project. I think ideally an innovative approach to something
'traditional' might work best,
though personally I feel that the Dickens/Elton comparison is too
innovative... But this is
something you should discuss with your supervisor in October."

Thing is that it upset me at the time, because of the comments on the marksheet, so I sent a copy to E, as she had been reassuring me about the mark etc (she's another lecturer, different department), with sarky comments, and she agreed. The thing is, looking at it now, it's like he knew he was going to supervise. Tracey thinks he may have changed his mind, or wanted to give it a chance anyway and is just a harsh critic. She thinks I should ask him, but am really just scared!! I would stick with him if he had faith in it though, I think, especially as E said I can tell him to correspond by email.

The thing is though. Is one, the men phobia, two, the fact that he was really rude about the idea on my marksheet despite not mentioning any of it during lead up sessions, and three is insensitivity re: my anxiety etc... that and I feel I can't talk to him.

The problem is though, if I am really honest I don't want anyone except R, and I don't have her, it isn't fair. I need to see her, and this means I can't see her again to talk, not really-- not without feeling really guilty because I am NOTHING to do with her. This is what I can't cope with I think. However much I say it's that this guy is my supervisor, it isn't.

Thing is I've emailed E now and told her I would even change my idea to change supervisors, and I don't care who I have, and now I just feel really bad, and horrid, and that I am just trying to manipulate everyone around me. :( I'm just so scared though. This probably doesn't make any sense to anyone! Sorry.


"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[mum2four]

I'm not clear on what is worrying about this but that in it's self is anxiety it sound like the sort of thing that go threw my head when. If you dont feel comfortable with the male superviser and you've ask for a new one but your still worried about thing's try to focus on what your aiming to achive by finding a person you feel comfortable with you dont what to increase you anxiety while you studing or you work will suffer and try reminding your self that you have the right to feel comfortable even you know in your head it's the anxiety talking you still right now have right to be studing what your studing and if that mean's finding someone that is simpatheatic of your situation than that's your right. Focus on as many positive as your can.

[tammyg]

Hi Hannah,

just wanted to say I had a similar experience at uni. I didn't get on with my 'personal tutor' in my last year and I did ask for a new one but there was no-one left. Luckily because I didn't do a dissertation (as such) I didn't need to have much contact with him, only a weekly meet up to check things were going ok in the last two months.

I did feel like the uni should have given me a new one as I couldn't ever see myself getting on with this man (for pretty much the same reasons as you). Looking back though, it worked out ok. We never liked each other but we 'got the job done' between us.

At the end of the day a lecturer, above all, has to act professionally and you would have every right to involve the principal if you think you are being treated unfairly.

However, if you give it a try you might find things work out - you both want the same thing really: you want a good grade, he will want his student to pass.

Hope it works out ok... sorry if my post doesn't make much sense!

Tammy x

[Hannahlou84]

Hi,

Thanks for your help.

I admitted to E via email today that a lot of me was just scared in case things go very very wrong again this year, and how unsupportive he was before as I can't go back to R, but the little love, bless her, has said I can contact her if I have any problems-- or see my Year tutor, if my PT is not up to helping me.

I am already scarily aware of the problems I am having (my friend will have to come and see me with this guy, no ifs or buts, I am that scared, but then I even took someone to see E, and I wasn't scared of her!). I am anticipating problems because I know that I can't go running to R, and have had a panic attack in the only lecture we've had, and seminars are going to be even worse, I barely did them last year.

The other thing is, I am supposed to discuss my future with this guy, and right now, I just can't get passed the idea that I have to do something after this year, and you know, I am probably not cut out for teaching, so that would be a waste of another year at Uni.

I'm feeling quite low about it all when I'm not panicking. I don't want to be like so many other people who leave Uni and just don't do anything. I want a life, and I want my independence. And I also want a relationship. Is this all really too much to ask/expect?

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[tammyg]

*Is this all really too much to ask/expect?* Who knows... I think a lot of people feel like this though, me included at one point!

It's not what you are given to deal with but more how you deal with it. I know you are having a tough time right now and it is hard to think straight but I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit.

You go into Uni daily, putting yourself in one uncomfortable situation after another. You are doing so well to even be at Uni while dealing with all this. I know, I have been there.

As for discussing the future, that's quite a biggie. *and you know, I am probably not cut out for teaching* let me share another little story with you lol!

I never decided what I wanted to do until the day of giving my UCAS form in, had absolutely no idea. I had toyed with teaching, law, media, midwifery... the list goes on. On the very day (after much harassment from my PT) I filled in 6 different unis for 6 different careers absolutely convinced that it didn't matter anyway because there was no way I would get past the interview.

So my PT said 'it just isn't done' to choose different careers; you choose one subject and then different unis. Well no-one had told me that before so I just said to her 'well, you choose, I don't know'. You can imagine her reaction!

So I took the form and just copied out the first one I had put onto a new form. I knew it was a risk only to apply to 1 uni but like I said I was convinced I had no chance anyway and part of me didn't think I really wanted to go anyway.

It turned out to be teaching. Now I hate saying good things about myself so I'm just gonna write it and then try to forget but: at uni my (nice!) PT said I was one of the most natural teachers she had ever seen.

Now, don't get me wrong it's a tough job but at least no-one can say it's boring!

You may have read some of the posts from the Midlands meet-up where I went and barely said a word all day. You certainly wouldn't meet me and think wow, she's confident. I am very shy and awkward in new situations (and nervous most of the time) but in the classroom I am a completely different person.

So, to the moral of the story! Whatever you want to do, you can do it, whether it be teaching or something completely different. I know for a fact that if I hadn't given that form in on that day I would probably be in a very bad state right now.

Sometimes these things just have a way of working themsleves out so try not to stress about it.

If he asks you about the future, tell him straight, you are still deciding. I am sure that's fine for this point in the year anyway.

*I don't want to be like so many other people who leave Uni and just don't do anything* I think there are very few people that leave uni and end up doing nothing. Although some do leave and end up doing nothing connected with their degree, but if that makes them happy surely that is the main thing.

Oooh mega post lol I'll stop now! Just believe in yourself and what you want to do.

Take care.

Tammy x

[lara100]

Hi Hannah,

Ive just graduated with a degree in Biomedical science and I had problems with some of my tutors last year. It was to do with anxiety why I was having problems and they dont understand I think they thought that I was skiving off for no reason! It wasnt just me either one of my tutors had my friend in the office and critisized her final project lab report to bits and even when she was in tears in his office he still didnt stop! I used to get arsey messages as well. I think its just inbred in lecturers to be like that! If it is really upsetting you, just think that they are there to help YOU anditf you are paying to be at university you are paying them for your education. Bring his remarks to the attention of a tutor you feel you can approach and ask for another personal tutor. Im sure you are doing well. Its hard to get criticism for your work but its there to help you but they shouldnt be sarcastic about it! Higher education i stressful enough without all that carry on. You should have seen what they said about my final project when I handed in my draft but I still got through with a second.

I hope you get it sorted out.

Lara x