Agoraphobia & Funeral

[Dizzy-Dave]

My nan has lived with us (family) for over 2 years now.
She has cancer and is taking her last breaths today.

It's a very hard situartion as you can imagine. Not only because my mum is in pieces, but also because i've started a course of prozac and have only just started to see the side effects lessen.

I'm going to be strong for my mum and help her through this but something is bothering me and my poor grandma hasn't even passed yet.

I was doing quite well with getting out of the house until i started taking the prozac. I feel house bound again.

My question is, have any of you ever missed a funereal because of agoraphobia ? How was the guilt ? Did your family understand ?

I do want to try and attend and the church is not that far but if i freeze up, i don't want everyone to be disappointed in me. If i cant go then I will say goodbye to my nan when i can get out.

I hope this makes sense.

[mick_uk]

Hiya dave,
I have missed a funeral of an uncle because of my agoraphobia.
Wasn't an easy time for me and I felt so guilty even though he wasn't a close uncle.
I know there were a couple of relatives there that felt I had let the family down but the others who knew me more were very sympathetic and understanding.
I did feel really guilty for a while but then I snapped out of it and looked at it rationally. I did my best to get there and couldn't. That was that. I did all I could at the time. That's all you can do mate. Do your best.
Try and get there,but don't make yourself worse and don't feel bad if you can't.
I hope all goes well mate.

Mick

[andie73]

Hi

I missed my grandma's funeral, not exactly for agrophobia but it was because of anxiety and panic. I felt terrible about it. I ended up sitting in her garden which she loved with my husband. We just sat there on the garden bench in silence remembering her in our own way. It wasn't a public display, but then grief and rememberance doesn't have to be. You can do something in your own way.

I'm sure your nan understands your situation and will want you to do what is right for you too. I know others may judge but they are not you, and you have your own relationship with your nan that they are not part of. In that respect only you alone can chose how to mark the occasion.

I do have times when I feel guilty about the fact I wasn't there but i did what felt right at the time and I know she would have understood. If you feel you need to go for you, then give it your best shot, but otherwise do what you feel you can handle and if others don't understand that's there problem not yours.

Let us know how you get on and don't torture yourself over it. Your time with your nan will always be in your heart, going to a funeral or not going doesn't change what you shared in life.

Take care

[Worrier]

Dizzy-Dave,

Hey I think you should do whatever is best for you at the time. Just because you don't attend a funeral doesn't mean you don't care.

I used to feel guilty for not being able to go to my Nana's grave, but I forgave myself and think of her very often and I have decided that that is okay for me.

Give yourself a break. Be there for your mum through this difficult time but also take care of you. Do your grieving in your own way and that is good enough.

Take care
Natalie x

[Dizzy-Dave]

Thank you so much for the replys x

She's still with us but it's so hard.

Being at home means she's not alone but at the same time I feel this abit too much for me. She's unconscious but just now started to make noises of distress.

I'll say no more for now but thanks for your advice and storys.

[kazzie]

Hi Dave:hugs:

Im sure no one would hold it against You if You dident attend the funeral.

You could maybe explain problem to your GP who may be able to give you something just to help on the day

I work as an undertaker and people for various reasons sometimes are unable to attend funerals......perhaps you could write a tribute to your Nan and someone could read it at the service.....or light a candle at home whilst the service is taking place and have your own quiet memories

Hope this helps a little

Kaz:hugs:

[Panikki]

Hi Dave ,
Sorry to hear about your nan. I have episodes of agraphobia and definately dont do large gatherings..due to bad panic attacks.
My dad died in november 08 and we buried him in the december...i was terrified of not making it through the service without collapsing or running out! I cant tell you how scared i was of not coping and i had all the stress of making funeral arrangements and phone calls etc..There was many people there that i had'nt seen for years and we had arranged an after do in a pub nearby as many had travelled long distance..it was just so much to deal with ..but i took diazepam and somehow got through it all. Have you considered asking your G.P. for diazepam it may help you get through the service at least...Its a real tough call when it comes to things like this...so i really feel for you! Take Care Jodiex

[skylace22]

Dave
I'm sorry to hear about you nan and Im sure it must be very hard for you at the moment. I think the replies posted are really helpful - you dont have to go to the funeral if you dont feel that it is possible - you need to do what is best for you and go with what you can cope with and Im sure your nan would understand.

My grandfather passed away 4 years ago and I was dreading the funeral - I did go because I had progressed a lot with my anxiety at that point but had it happened a couple of years earlier there would have been no way that would have been possible so I do understand.

The diazepam idea is a possibility - I was prescribed some for a dental appointment and it really helped me. Another suggestion would be (if you went) to sit near to an exit so you know there is an escape if you need it.

Ultimately, dont put pressure on yourself with this - do what you are comfortable with and Im sure whatever you decide will be the right choice for you

x

[Dizzy-Dave]

I tend to get alot of side effects with most drugs.

This 'Diazapam'..... What does it feel like ?

Will I be out of it !!??

[andie73]

No you won't feel out of it. You will prob just get a small dose anyway. It just takes the edge of the anxiety and makes you feel calmer. I'm really weird about taking medication of any sort but I have taken these in the past and they are fine. Once you get to the funeral you may not feel you need to take any more, but if you do as long as you stick to the prescibed dose you'll feel ok.

Writing something to be read out is a really good idea from Kazzie. I did this at both my grandma and grandad's funeral then you are really making a contribution to the proceedings but not putting yourself under as much pressure. The other thing is Dave, once you are at a funeral it all kind of goes in a blur, it will be over before you know it and then you can grieve for your nan in your own way.

Take care

[Dizzy-Dave]

Thanks for the info Andie.

She's still here. So many mixed emotions fused with my consumption of prozac.

I am happy yet sad. Numb yet in pain.

She breathes slowly for all to see in the downstairs converted bedroom.

It's not a case of waiting for a phonecall. It's happening downstairs and me, mr agoraphobia and anxiety is doing his best to stay strong for his mum and she slowly falls to pieces with the impending death of her beloved mother.

Now I know why people donate money to cancer charitys.

[Dizzy-Dave]

<3

[Dizzy-Dave]

I want to post again because I feel so awful and i'm so tired :(

She just wont let go. She's been fighting for about 5 days now without food or water and me and my mum are so tired.

I can't go in her room anymore.

I nearly had a massive panic attack last night when i thought she had passed away.

She's been unconcious the whole time so in a way she's already gone but i'm so scared about her actual death and it's making me ill.

I want this to end but yet i'm scared about getting upset (i can't cry now even though I want to) and most of all i fear mass panic for when it happens.

The doctor coming around, the nurses, the undertakers. It's all making me feel sick.

She's likely to go today. My mum is a nurse and she says the signs away.

What on earth do i do now to cope with the wait ?

What do i do when it's time ?

:weep:

[Thumbelina]

really sorry about what you have togo through now Dave

Just try and float through all this what is happening around - try and distruct yourself.
It is really really sad about your gran - but everything to help her has been done by now, so it is not your fault, you have to do do positive self talk

I hopeyou manage to stay strong

God stay with you family at this moment

[Dizzy-Dave]

:doh:

[doodah]

Oh Dave, I'm so sorry to hear of what you and your mum are having to go through. The only advice I can offer is to take everything as it comes - good or bad. I don't think you can plan how you're going to feel at all - you may even find that you get yet another burst of inner strength to get you and your mum through the funeral. But if you don't, try not to beat yourself up about it.

Sending tons of love to you and your mum, and your gran of course.

Wend:hugs:

[kazzie]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: Dave

I dont have any more advice Im afraid but Im thinking of you all and you will get lots of support here:flowers:

Kaz x:hugs:

[Dizzy-Dave]

Thanks everyone. It is helping.

The Hospice nurse gave me and my mum some good advice today and that's to stop checking on her every 5 minutes.

We are to eat our dinner and then goto bed.

My nan will go when she is ready to go.

While it obviously means trying not to worry about her all night, it feels like half the pressure has gone.

If she is still with us in the morning then i'll be amazed but she's defying all odds at the moment.

I don't want to go in her room anymore as I've said my goodbyes so i'll post it on here.

"Goodnight Nan"

:hugs:

[miss_moose]

I found this thread last night, and it's such a sad read, i may not be able to offer any advice but i just wanted to offer my support:hugs:

I'm glad that the nurse has lifted the pressure from you and your mum, it sounds like just the thing you needed.

I've missed a funeral because of my agoraphobia and social phobia, it was my mums ex partner. They were together for such a long time and we saw him everyday, she and my brother went to the funeral but I couldn't go.
I felt guilty but I knew that not going was the right thing to do for myself because I knew that I couldn't do it, and i didnt want to go there and make a scene because i'm hyperventilating, ill, running out of the church ect

I also knew that he would have understood because he knew how bad my agoraphobia was.

Do your family know and understand about your agoraphobia?

You shouldn't feel guilty if you can't make it, you've been there for you grandma and your mum through this time, you've supported them, and as you say, you've already said goodbye to your grandma, so you do what you feel is best.

Take care xxx

[Dizzy-Dave]

My mum understands and my nan did too.

Last night was one of the worst of my life.

Having my mum check on my nan has been comforting for the last couple of nights but as my mum took the nurses advice last night, she went to sleep at 8pm and didn't get up till 4am.

My mum found me in the bathroom at that time shaking like a leaf having a full blown panic attack. I couldn't stand the fact that my nan might of passed away during the night and no was around to confirm it.

It took a good hour for me to calm down.

Me and my mum sat outside for 3 hours talking about everything. she cried afew times. I felt sick. It was dark and we were scared.

After awhile dawn started to break. It was beauituful and comforting. I told my mum we were going to pull through this. We both went inside.

She couldn't take it anymore so she went to check in my nans room.

5 seconds after leaving the kitchen my mum calls out to me. My heart sinks.

I am prepared. I am strong.

"She's still breathing! I can hear her without opening the door"

She smiled and went back to the kitchen to sit down.

She asked me what the matter was as I looked lost.

While I was glad that tonight's situation was over, It meant another 24 hours of worry.

I went to bed at 6am with the comfort of the dawn to aid my sleep.

[PoppyC]

Hello Dave
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. My thoughts are with you and your family too.
I have just been through all this last month with my mum when she died and end of Dec with my Dad when he died suddenly.
Honestly when the time comes, I found something takes over and you just go with the flow. I am now finding it later on that is when it begins to hit home more so emotionally. I take comfort from the happy memories I have of my mum and dad. I have made a photo album of them right from their childhood through to recent times. It helps me. I close my eyes and they are there again.
As long as you remember your nan she will always be there for you.
This message may sound a bit jumbled - I am sorry.
I got through 2 deaths in 6 months and if I can get through it with all my anxiety and agoraphobia then you can too. My anxiety and agoraphobia kind of faded as I was too busy dealing with grief.
There can be ways of working around the agoraphobia when its time for the funeral. However I respect your decision.
I went through the whole shock, throwing up, feeling faint, and all other emotions...it happens to everyone who experiences death, whether they have anxiety problems or not. I sat with both my parents before and after they had passed away and told them what good parents they had been and how much I loved them and always would and lots more things...it helped with the closure.
You will get through it. It seems impossible at the time but somehow you just do even though it is heartbreaking. Somehow the days pass so quickly and time is taken up with funeral arrangements, the funeral etc, which does take your mind off it all somewhat.
Its like survival takes over and you just keep going somehow.
Its an awful horrific time when those you love pass away but you do get through it somehow and the pain does eventually begin to ease. I find bawling my eyes out helps.
Feel free to PM if you wish.
Hugs to you:hugs:

[kazzie]

Hi Dave:hugs:

Just to say hang in there mate and Im thinking of you all:hugs:

Luv Kaz x:hugs:

[Dizzy-Dave]

Your reply's are meaning the world to me right now.

The panic experienced last night was strong enough to wake me up again tonight.

My tummy is giving me the most grief.

An amazing nurse came round today (a friend of my mums) and said some things that helped. Even said she believes nan will make it through tonight as her breathing is strong, though I know anything could happen so i took that info lightly.

Poppy, I don't know what to say. Your loss is unimaginable to me and i have to be honest, this is nothing compared to what you've been through not matter how anxious I am.:hugs:

I await the dawn. Everything is calmer then.

[Alabasterlyn]

I've only just seen this thread so apologies for not responding sooner. I'm so sorry to read what you are going through Dave. I've been following your agoraphobia project on YouTube, so I know how much progress you have made over the last few months.

I also have agoraphobia and the first time I went to a funeral was when my dad died 9yrs ago. As he was my dad I felt I had absolutely no choice but to go as even though my family would have understood if I hadn't gone, I knew that I would have beaten myself up afterwards if I hadn't at least tried. As others have already said, it's amazing what you can actually do when it comes down to it. I took no extra medication to get me through that day and as we had everyone come back to our house afterwards there was no escape once I got home either, but somehow I got through it.

Since then I have been to 3 other funerals and each time found them really hard but got through them all. The last one was my sister in law's earlier this year and as it was a burial it was sooo much harder as it was so long. What I did then was chose to not go in the main cars and got my son to take me separately in his car and I sat at the back of the church and it made me feel so much better as I knew I could just leave if it all got too much and just having that thought in my head made me feel more relaxed and I was able to go to the church, the cemetery and also the do afterwards without making a fool of myself.

It must be so much harder having your nan in your own house and I think you are being a very brave young man and your nan would be proud that her family are caring for her like this :hugs:

[PoppyC]

Hi again Dave
How are you feeling? Just reading your post...it doesnt matter how many people we lose, grief is grief, whether it be a grandparent, 1 parent or 2 parents. It is still agonising.
You are bound to be going through a whole range of emotions and feeling anxious and all the rest that goes with it. Its normal to feel that way.
The upset and anxiety will affect your stomach. I find thats what it always affects more than anything else.
I am going through quite a bad time with agoraphobia again but at the funeral, I got out of the funeral car and straight into the crematorium and sat with my family, holding hands. I forgot all about the agoraphobia. I kind of went onto auto pilot I think.
I am so glad that I went because if I had not then I may have regretted it later, but thats just me. Everyone is different. I was so anxious going to the cematary in the funeral processions but then so was everyone - its a daunting experience to have to go with whether you suffer with anxiety and agoraphobia or not.
How is your Nan today? She must be so proud of you.
I am going to read all the posts as I need to catch up.
You will get through this honestly, even though it may feel like you wont right now - just take it all a day at a time.
Hugs to you

[Dizzy-Dave]

My nan has just passed away.

Me and my mum thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love and support.

I am relieved but obviously in shock. I am not crying.

I will talk to you all soon x

[Thumbelina]

Really sorry about your nan....

wish you to stay strong ...

God is with you

[PoppyC]

Dave
I am so so sorry. I truly am, for you and your mum. My sympathies are with you.
We are all here for you.
Lots of hugs and support to you
Poppy

[spaced]

so sorry dave my thoughts with you and your family

[kazzie]

Dave:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:

No words will suffice

Here if you need support

Kaz x x x:hugs:

[diane07]

So sorry to hear dave.

Deep thoughts to you and your family

we are all here if you need us.

di xx

[ladybird64]

Dave I have been following your thread and can understand although there is grief at the loss of your nan, there is also a sense of release for you and your mum.
You know that we are here for you when you need us.

Heartfelt sympathies to you and your mum. :hugs:

[miss_moose]

I'm really sorry to hear about your nan, thinking of you and your family :hugs:

[IrishPrincess]

Dave so sorry to hear about your nan, my thoughts are with you and your mam and family. You know where I am. xxx:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[SueBee]

Dave, I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss.

With this kind of illness its both a relief and a shock when someone passes.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Sue
x

[andie73]

Dave

I am so sorry for your loss. It is totally understandable that you feel a sense of relief, your nan is now at peace and you and your mum can slowly grieve for your loss. Take comfort in the happier times you shared together as nothing will ever take those memories away, they are yours forever.

Take care Dave and my thoughts are with you and your family xxx

[Dizzy-Dave]

Thank you to everyone for all the replys. They are lovely to read and very comforting.

I managed to sleep last night knowing that I didn't have to keep checking anymore. I hope to soon start remembering the happier times and less about the last few weeks.

Today does feel different. I'm less in shock now. More sadness.

Part of the process though so i'll be ok.

Much love x

[sb001f8994]

Im so very sorry to hear of your sad loss Dave. My thoughts are with you, your mum and your family.

[daisycake]

Heartfelt sympathies Dave, thinking of you and your mum and family xx

[doodah]

My thoughts are with you and your mum Dave.

Take care,

Wendy

[kazzie]

:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:

For you and your Mum

Hope you are both coping

Kaz x x x:hugs:

[mumof4]

im really sorry about ur loss i know what ur going through my mum died of cancer and in the house too she was 50 it was very hard and just like ur gran my mum held on for so long she was in a coma for 7 days woke up for 1 day said goodbye and chatting then feel bk into a coma and passed away the next day.

i wish u and ur mum all the best take care

[Dizzy-Dave]

On the day of her death, I had gone into her room in the morning and told her it was ok to go now.

Spooky hey.

Funeral has been planned. 2 weeks time.

I aim to go but will not punish myself if i cant.

[Dizzy-Dave]

The funeral is in 2 hours.

I'm listening to what my heart says and it's saying it's ok to not go.

I am at peace. I will not be stuck in grieving mode.

There is alot of people coming so i have social phobia to deal with aswell.

I know i can change my mind at any time but my mum wants me to go.

Really torn !

[Dizzy-Dave]

I couldn't do it.

I tried my best and i'm looking smart but i couldn't.

I am not crying my eyes out.

I have lit a candle and i'm going to play a song.

;'(

[Alabasterlyn]

Dave you tried and that is all that matters. You had already said your goodbyes to your nan and I'm sure she would have totally understood that you just couldn't make it today.

It's a tough time for you right now and having social phobia as well makes this sort of thing so much harder to cope with, so I hope that you won't beat yourself up about it :hugs:

[Dizzy-Dave]

Thank you. I am at piece with my decision.

[kazzie]

:hugs: My thoughts are with you Dave:hugs:

Luv Kaz x:hugs: