sort of hurting myself

[looby]

Hi all,

as you know, I have been doing quite well lately with my depression and anxiety, but had a bit of a set back last weekend.

It was my boyfriend's cousins wedding over 200 miles away, I was so scared about having an anxiety attack and not being able to get out of it.

Anyway, when we had to sit down for the meal, I started thinking, "oh my God! How can I just get up and get out during the meal without anyone noticing?" I was trying to put a front on infront of my boyfriends family who we don't really see often.

In the end, I went back to pinching my legs to try and get through it, but it wasn't working, so I ended up twisting and pinching the skin at the tops of my arms. I was also chain smoking through out it all as it meant I could go outside as the venue was no smoking.
Anyway, I managed to stay there until late and got through it.
The following night, my and boyfriend went to bed, I had a vest top on without thinking, and he saw how my arms were in a terrible state, all black and blue. he asked what had happened, and i said that I had just banged it. He didn't believe me at all, I not a very good liar and he can always tell when I lie. I ended up telling him, that I feel a bit more relaxed when I pinch myself. He now thinks that I am going to take this further. I have said that I will stop and speak to my counsellor about it, but I feel ashamed as i think it's nothing major!
I think I've got it under control but he thinks I am going to start hurting myself more seriously.

I am scared that he thinks I am going to take it further and that we will never be able to go out again without him staring at me chacking what I am doing.

Has anyone else felt like this or done something like this?
I apologise for the essay!
I also apologise to those who do hurt themselves, as I know that I am no where near the pain and suffering you go through to try and make yourself better!

Take care all.
Love
Looby

[eeyorelover]

hi Looby -
you don't have to apologise for anything. All of us here have different experiences and have had different levels of panic and that is one of the things that makes this such a great site.
I used to bite my nails down to nubs and then after I stopped that I picked the skin around my nails until my fingers would bleed. Not a real great way to get through anxiety but it kept my mind off of it. I know it is stupid sounding but now - if I am in a place that I can't leave and I get anxious, I put my mind to work instead of doing something physical. I do multiples or something like that to get my mind off of the anxiety and it doesn't take long for me to calm down and be able to go back to whatever I am supposed to be doing.
It is a good idea to talk to your counsellor about it. He probably will have some good advice for you.


Sandy
(eeyorelover)

If the world didn't suck... we'd all fall off :)

[bones]

Hi Looby
I too feel anxious going out for meals in large groups weddings are particularly scary, espcially when you are divorced like me. I normally feel terrible before the event to a point where i throw up to make me feel better, infact its the throwing up im scared off ie making a fool of myself infront of others. To get through the event i order a couple of pints and use my thumb nails as tooth picks, sometimes making my gums bleed. Ive lerant there is nothing to be ashamed off your ill so am i and the more people you tell the better you will feel, no one as yet told me to pull myself together, everyone has been so understanding, my moto is tell the world of your illness you would if you had Cancer.

what ever happens today it will still bring the morning

[looby]

Thank you so much for your thoughts!
The only problem with your advice Sandy is I am awful at Maths!!!! I have failed it 4 times! My excuse is my Mum did her maths exam while she was pregnant with me and she passed it, so I think I have already passed it and don't need to do it! I am still convincing my boyfriend that, but he's not as gulliable as me!!

Seriously though, thank you both so very much and I will speak to my counsellor about it!

Massive hugs,
Looby
xxxx

[Martina]

Hi Looby,

I would be interested to know what your counsellor says. When I am in a situation of being around other people and I get anxious I dig my fingernails into the skin on the palms of my hands. It happened yesterday. After the anxiety subsided, I looked at my hand and there were fingernail marks everywhere! So you are not the only one. It's amazing what we will do to distract ourselves!

All the best,

Martina.

[mum2four]

When I get in to a situation that starts my anxiety up I get the erg to run and to avoid running I have done many differnt thing to try to stop the way I feel and just stay put and deal with it. Some are anoying to people and some are self harm. I dig nails in to my self and scratch my self and even bang my head on hard or soft surfaces. There has not been one coping method I used that has not been seen by people as bad in some way which increases my anxiety 10 fold. My partner has see all my behaviours even my worst one of cutting my self.

I can understand how seeing someone you love do thing's that thay dont understand can be scary and confusing. I feel it's important to want to get to point where I dont need to feel like doing any thing but enjoying my self. I'm not there yet even when I try hard to ignore the erg to do something I get really with drawn and quiet of i get snappy and exposive. For me my aim is to get to a point where I just feel calm and happy.

You may feel you will never do anything more harmfull than what your already doing but but from his point view your hurting your self and I'm sure he dosn't want you be hurting in any way. I think it is inmprotant to talk to your counsellor.

I dont know if you are on any med's as yet but I just got put on a med that block's repeated unwanted messages that the brain send it. It's called Luvox(Fluvoxamine melaete) and it has done wonder to stop me from getting the erg's to run to hurt my self in any way and to stop me from feeling the need to tap which was my most common copping method. It's a Anti-depressant/OCD med. I still get a little anxiety but it's no where near what it use to be. Of course how ever you choose to deal with anxiety is up to you in the end. I just thought it was inmport to tell you that there might be a way to help you stop that habbit before it get out of control like mine did. Itmay never get out of control but know one can eva predict what may happen to them. Some people get addicted to alcohole some to drug's and I know that I became addicted to scratching that's the best way to discribe it. I have alway's has the erg to use scratching during times anxiety but deep down I was trying to fight it but 6 year's ago i started and didn't stop and never once thought it might b related to my anxiety or be controled by med's even at it's worst 3 year's ago when i was waking up to my self scratching so much that I was realy hurting me self. I tryed real hard from that point on to stop the scratching but untill 2 week's ago I was still scratching beyond any need to be really scratching and my tummy has not healed fully in 6 year's and within a week of being on the med's my tummy was almost fully healed. I feel less frustration to my self and I really didn't realise how many area's of my life my scratching habbit was effecting untill it stopped.

I Dont know what go's on inside your head but i would sugest that if you get the thought to pinch your self alot threw the day most day's and /or when the thought come dose it often turn in to an erg that you feel you need to do of els something worse will happen and if so if you have tryed to fight the erg have you been able to with ease or dose it seem like you have little control over it.

If you feel like you it something that like I discribed above i really would be talking to the counsellor about it and see what he suggest. Even if you feel you have full control which if you need to do it to keep you self in your seat you have allready lost some control allready over it I would either try to stop now anyway you can so that you dont get to the point I got to. I wouldn't wish that on anyone I'm juist gald I finaly have control back.

Please a habbit like this may seem like a good idea cause it works for you and it's dosn't seem to effect other but it can get out of control. You may never loose control but what if you did and wouldn't like to just beable to sit and enjoy your self wouldn't that be just be the gratest feeling in the world to know you didn't need to pinch your self to k