Enough

[Hannahlou84]

I hate myself so so much at the moment. I am still in bed at 4pm. My housemate has been up to see if I am OK, she always asks if I'm OK. I've given up trying to explain and just say 'yes'. I don't really feel like I can turn around and tell her I've just had enough and don't want to face this anymore.

The week seems to have been a combination of the worst panic attacks I have experienced, and moments so low that I don't even want to get out and go to the loo. In some ways I am protecting myself, I can't hurt myself in bed (not that I am eating, and still can't sleep), but I can't do myself any physical harm. I also don't have to socialize. At the same time though, I am just reinforcing how much I hate everything, how much I don't want to go to Uni tomorrow. How much I need to see R. It's all just so stupid- and is made worse by me thinking about everything, and it all generally being my fault.

I shouldn't be here, it's not fair on anyone I live with. I am such a pain, and you know, I really don't mean to be. :(

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Lottie32]

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so much at the minute.

I'ts not too long since I was also in a very similar state myself, and the worst thing about depression is that it numbs you, both in mind and body and makes it very difficult to fight back.

Are you currently seeing anybody about your problems?

If not your GP, is there a campus councellor that you could visit.

I am still struggling to sort myself out, (despite being 3 million times better than I was even a year ago), so you have my every sympathy.

I found that unfortunately there was no magic cure for me, but a series of remedies combined and worked at worked for me.

Start off my making a list of little tasks. Getting out of bed, showered and dressed. I realise that this may be a major task for you at the minute, but starting slowly and with little tasks will start you on the process to recovery.

I know that you can't be bothered at the minute, but eating and drinking sensibly will make you feel a whole lot better.

Think of some things that you used to like doing and are possible for you to do now - but a magazine that you used to like reading, or make a compilation of your favourite tracks.

A sensible diet including fruit and vegetables and minimal tea, coffee (unless de-caff) and plenty of water is good.

Vitamin C, Vitamin B complex (don't panic, this makes your wee luminous), and Omega fish oils are all very beneficial, as are a good multi vitamin mineral and vitamin supplement.

Exercise, no matter how gentle is very good too, even if you can't manage more than a walk to the corner shop, or a yoga session.

CBT is a very good therapy too, you can address your problems, and work quietly and slowly to face and over come them.

Some people find that medication also works for them, however, meds will work much more efficiently if you combine other therapies with them.

I have had a very positive experience with fluoxetine, despite being very loath to take any medication. However, despite doing all the above and more, and improving considerably, I needed something to help push me up the "hill" of recovery.

Some people don't like taking meds, and it is true that on their own they are not a complete solution, but I would suggest based on my own experiences that you don't rule out any options open to you.

The really difficult part about depression is that you have to fight it, and need to make some positive steps in order to start fighting it.

Do you have any friends that could help you? You could try asking them to pop round for lunch. It needn't be anything exciting, just a cheese sandwich, but it would give you some incentive to get up and get dressed in order to meet them.

It's a shame that you cannot confide in your housemate. I suffered for years in silence with anxiety and panic attacks, and when I started to admit my problems to a few friends, was amazed at how many others also suffered

Charlie

Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!

[Hannahlou84]

Hi,

Thanks for all your advice. I am currently waiting on CBT and new medication which I may not take.

I am just so annoyed with myself, one of my other housemates has also asked, and I'm just like, "I'm fine". "Are you sure?" "Yes". I am such an idiot, I just don't want to go on, or make them worry--this is so so hard though.

I am even considering emailing E, my lecturer, and just telling her there is no way that I can go to all I have too tomorrow.. I am such a loser, if I can't do this, what chance do I have in the real world, which I have no plans for anyway?[Sigh...]... another thing that needs to be discussed with lecturers.

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Lottie32]

You aren't a loser - I never even made it to Uni, so you have a start on me!

You are just going through a tough time at the minute, which will start to improve once you get on the CBT programme.

E-mailing your lecturer is a good idea, if only to tell him/her that you are having some problems. Often it is easier to put down in words what you are feeling than to talk to somebody. There were even times at CBT that I couldn't tell Amanda how I felt, I even printed off some posts and let her read them, cos I couldn't manage to express myself verbally!!!

It is very common to not have any plans for life - I can't honestly say that any of my friends are doing what they left school / uni qualified to do, apart from my friend who studied hair dressing and is still cutting hair!

For example - chemical engineering degree (masters) - selling pharmacutical products. Chemistry degree - designing kitchens. Business management (masters) - beautician. Combined geography/english degree - working in retail. Geography degree - trainee planning officer (I suppose there is a link there)

Most of my friends just work so that they have enough money to socialise, holiday and follow their hobbies and interests when not at work. Their only criteria is that their jobs aren't too boring!

In fact most of the people I know in their 30's aren't doing what they thought they would like to do.

I have one friend who has qualifications to A level. She is currently lecturing at 2 unis, writes, directs and produces plays, has work has been broadcast on BBC 1 and Radio 4. She also produces horses, and is a very successfull competitor in the horse world.

She didn't set out to do any of these things, but followed her interests. At the age of 40 she is very happy with her life, as it has progressed around her.

I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I am happy doing my "odd jobs" and being self employed.

Don't worry too much about not having a definite direction at the minute, this is very normal.

Concentrate on your achievements instead. Write down all the good things you have achieved and focus on them instead. You must be intelligent as to get to Uni you have passed your GCSE and A level exams, and been accepted. Even if you can't see why at the minute, somebody at the Uni obviously saw your potential.

Whilst I realise that your suffering is very great at the minute, try thinking that you are having a "blip" at the minute, that will be overcome.

I hope this doesn't seem too much like a lecture. It's really easy for me to sit here and dish out advice, as I've been there and am nearly over it, but when I was like you, it seemed like tackling the impossible when thinking of my recovery.

x

Charlie

Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!

[Hannahlou84]

Thank you, and no, you don't sound like you are lecturing at all. I need a good smack anyway!

I am trying to email my lecturer, but not be too pathetic, so will see how that goes, as she isn't really anything to do with me this year at all, she's just offered to help.

I keep being told I need to know what I want to do next, more uni, job-what sort etc.. But I just don't know.. realistically, I can't even see up to my birthday which is barely a month a way.

Thank you for all your help, I have gotten up and showered.. (what's the point in being in bed, if you don't sleep?), and eaten a choccie biscuit to get the serotonin going. I feel guilty for eating it though!

I just don't feel safe within myself at the moment, it sounds pathetic, but it's how I am. I just wish I could change it now.

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Lottie32]

Everybody has different symptoms, but I can totally sympathise with not daring to do anything. I had huges phobias that a variety of normal day to day things would effect me - having a bath (luckily showers were ok), eating anything outside a small group of safe foods. I felt that at any minute something would happen and I would "break" (for want of a better word) at any minute. If I could have walked around mentally and physically wrapped in cotton wool I would have done.

Don't worry about the lecturer not having much to do with you this year - if she's offering help TAKE IT.

Try not to worry too much about the future (easier said than done I know)

Make some targets - daily, weekly, monthly and ultimately passing your degree. My friend has a maths degree (just graduated) she isn't sure what she wants to do next, PGCE, work (but no idea what area) so at the minute she is temping. This is giving her some work experience, money and time to think about where she wants to go.

Try not to concentrate too much on the larger picture - in five years time I want to be married with two kids, living in ........... and instead focus on getting through the here and now.

When you are suffering from depression it is very hard to make decisions anyway, and things I thought I couldn't deal with at the time aren't even a consideration now. Most therapists recommend that you don't make life changing decisions whilst suffering with depression as well.

Well done for having a shower, and getting up and about. Sundays are always a bad day for depressives anyway, just listen to Morrisey and Everyday is like Sunday- just hearing the Heartbeat theme tune makes me want to leave this mortal coil!!!!

Actually, you are probably better off not listening to Morrisey, put something cheery on instead - Thora Hird and some nice rousing hymns instead??? Maybe all those years of listening to the Cure and the Smiths have played a part in my problem. (I wear black on the outside, cos black is how I feel on the inside used to be one of my favourite quotes) LOL

take care x

Charlie

Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!

[Karen]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Sundays are always a bad day for depressives anyway, just listen to Morrisey and Everyday is like Sunday- just hearing the Heartbeat theme tune makes me want to leave this mortal coil!!!!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Lottie32 - 09 October 2005 : 18:55:09</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I thought it was just me that problems with Sundays[Duh!].

Hannah: Hope you are feeling better today. Charlie has given you some very good advice.

Returning to uni has been another big challenge for you to face and you will settle in again. It is just like the start of the summer holidays when you felt at a loose end and were facing all the time away from R.

Glad you emailed E and I hope you get a reply today.

Well done for getting up and showered too! I often have days when I can't even face getting out of bed either. If I didn't physically have to do so to get to the computer then I wouldn't.

Aiming for small steps at first, as Charlie suggested, is more manageable than trying to work out what to do with the rest of your life. Take one step at a time.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Sue K with 5]

Hi

I am a little bit late in responding but I just wanted to say that when depression hits it has no form of standard symptoms, I remember a time where I had to crawl on my hands and knees to the point that I had no energy to even make my bed, let alone clean a house and do a full days work!


As hard as this might sound, u have to fight it which I am sure is what you already know, just be reassured though that in time this does get better


Take care


Sie wotj 5

scknight