im SO selfish its killing me :'(

[bumble18]

ive just admitted to my boyfriend that him going out makes me want to break up with him.
we've been together almost two years, been great friends for 5
and ovedr 2 years ago i became agoraphobia housebound
and everytime he goes out i end up shaking crying being sick
because i cant handle it
i worry what hes doing, who with etc
and now hes mad at me for being so selfish :'(
i dont know what to do
im so horrible to everyone
ive pushed everyone away because im insanely jealous

i fall asleep and actually dream of living other peoples lives
and i wake up in tears when i realise im me

i hate being myself
i cant handle being myself
i just want to be gone ='[
please someone help me i need to be able to deal with this ?!

[freudian nightmare]

Hello bumble,
Sorry to hear how you're feeling at the moment, it shows how strong an effect our emotions can have on us and jealousy is a very strong emotion that can be destructive if not dealt with. I must commend you for saying what you've said, it's not an easy thing to deal with but you've made a start by recognising that it's affecting the way you feel about yourself and your relationship with others. As for being selfish we're all selfish in one way or another but it's hard when we see it in ourselves and can affect our self esteem and worth as a person like it has with you, i have felt the same and it's not a nice feeling. Again you have been brave to recognise it in yourself which is a good start and shows you care about your actions and how it's affecting you and others you care about. Fighting these feelings we see in ourselves is all we can do and trying not to let them get the better of us which is easier said than done i know but as long as we keep trying that's all we can expect from ourselves. I think you would benefit from talking to someone like a counsellor who can help you with your self esteem which is probably the main culprit of your problems, see your dr who should refer you if you explain how it's affecting you and your life in general. Sorry to go on but i hope it helps a bit and if you need to chat feel free to pm me. Best wishes x:)

[bumble18]

thank you for that reply

i would see my doctor or a councellor but i cant go out, plus they will surely say the same as everyone else, it'll go away, be positive, you feel like this because of anxiety
i know why i feel it and i know it wont go away because ive spent over 2 years falling back from 'achievments', im only 18 and i cant deal with it anymore =[

[NoPoet]

Hi Bumble, just wanted you to know that there is still hope for you :)

Your situation is very complicated and it's completely understandable that you would be jealous of people who are able to go out and have fun, and you will naturally worry that they might meet someone else or simply decide to cut contact with you. That's your low confidence and a lack of self esteem talking. Your depression then magnifies these negative feelings which makes the whole thing worse.

The first thing you need to do is try to accept who you are and where you are at this point in your life. You are in a state and you need to recover, a process which is going to be long and probably difficult, but worth every moment.

Once you start to become comfortable with yourself, your fears and worries about other people will bother you less. Respecting yourself naturally causes you to respect others.

So that's what I'd concentrate on, in this order:

* Acceptance (living your life rather than fighting it)
* Self-esteem (self-respect)
* Confidence (ability to take part in the world)
* Trust in others (which will improve as you work on the other issues)

You won't recover from depression in one go. Break your issues down into a series of SPECIFIC problems like the four I just listed, and make a conscious effort to work on ONE problem at a time - this means you are making a decision to change ONE aspect of your life while leaving the others alone - if you try to do it all at once you will get bogged down and not make any real progress.

[Hell's]

The most important thing to remember is that you are not the only one thinking this way. Life has its challenges, but they are not bigger than you. Although now it feels like there is nothing left, look inside you and believe that life is worth every seccond and draw courage from those here who understand how you feel. Your boyfriend clearly loves you, and although he still remains to go out, he comes back to you. If you are scared of going out, you could go for a short walk during the night (in company) or early in the morning at the weekends before it gets busy. Make things achievable and don't rush yourself. Put some of your favourite music on and if you can walk outside for one track at a time then you are making progress.

Don't forget that everyone elses life looks easy from the outside, but more people than you know have their individual issues.

Good luck!

H.

[freudian nightmare]

Hello again,
My reply to you was based on personal experience as i had a similar problem to you and i was your age at the time, i was 17 when i started having panic attacks and it caused me to feel the same as you do now. The only thing that ever helped me was to do positive things that took my mind off myself and how i felt, because unfortunately anxiety/panic etc can cause us to dwell on our own thoughts and feelings which isn't our fault but we get stuck in a vicious cycle that we can't break. The more anxious we feel the more we dwell on ourselves, the more we dwell on ourselves the more negative we feel, the more negative we feel the less we feel good about ourselves and it goes on - i think you get the picture :wacko: lol! Is there something you enjoy doing that takes your mind off things and gives you confidence and self respect? If you can't go out is there ones you can invite round who have a positive upbuilding influence on you? Do little at a time and you'll soon feel your self esteem rising and you'll feel less bothered about the things that are causing you stress. I know it all sounds easier said than done, i'm still working on things now and i still get it wrong :doh: but we just have to brush ourselves off and start again. Take care and best wishes. x

[bumble18]

thanks for all the replies guys.
In reply to going out at night or in the early morning because its less busy, its not peope who bother me anymore, its the panic i cant handle, which i get on my own, with others, in a crowded place or in a quiet place, even sitting at home makes me feel anxious at times.


I did used to have things i enjoyed doing, drawing, reading, gaming, singing (badly :P) and other things, but now i get no enjoyment out of them whatsoever.
I was reading the other day to try and take my mind off of things and i just burst out in tears, the reason? because the person in my book mentioned going outside
it left me shattered


i feel like a ghost of my self, an empty shell, i spent today just wandering aimlessly about the house. I have 4 friends, two have just moved away for uni, one of my boyfriend and he is out with others (driving me absolutly insane, ive literally been sick from it already, i cant handle him going out ='[ ) and the other isnt talking to me because of how horrible ive been to everyone recently

i cant help but be mean, im so frustrated it makes me snap at every little thing.


i dont want to fight a long massive fight against anxiety and depression
its got too far
i cant be BOTHERED to fight it
its not worth putting myself through that torture every single day just so i can walk to the shop down the road and feel nearly okay
my life just is not worth it
i was bullied at school, failed nearly all my exams, i have no talents or even things i am remotely good at
my life just isnt worth the bother =[

xx

[sue.b]

Hi Bumble

i am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I too had agoraphobia at a young age 13 yrs to be exact. I can understand why you feel so frustrated and behave grumpily. I suffered lessening degrees of agoraphobia until i was around 20 ....BUT..... this was much much less then at 13.

I have gone on to have an extremely happy, loving and fullfilling life, had i been told that this would be the case when i was in the midst of anxiety and agoraphobia I would never of believed it.

What I am trying to say is there is hope, more than hope, the feelings and fears are extremely unpleasant but they are beatable. This is only how you feel at this moment in your life.

Have you been to see your doctor or a councellor? Or are you finding it too difficult to go? Maybe you could phone your doctor in the first instance and explain how you are feeling.

I can remember how unpleasant the feelings of agoraphobia are, but life, your life is worth it. I found the road to reccovery was difficult and unpleasant at times.. but gradually the good times outweighed the bad and I am so glad i made that huge effort years ago so that i could experience all of the good times i have had since.

I wish you well

Sue xxxx

[bumble18]

sue its lovely to hear you got better honestly, it gives me a glimmer of hope.

however i just broke up wiht my boyfriend
i was stupid to fall in love in this state
i guess agoraphobic people shouldn'tbe in relationships

[freudian nightmare]

Hello bumble,
I hope you find some support and help that you need for your agoraphobia are you taking anything for your anxiety?I had the same and it did get better eventually sue is right it does ease with time. I know it must be hard now you've broke up with your boyfriend and it will feel for a while but you need to spend this time getting better and maybe you'll soon feel well enough to be able to work things out in other areas of your life. Keep us posted with your progress and i wish you all the best xx