Fin
25-08-09, 17:36
Hi there,
I have been using NMP for about 10 months now and have found it a great comfort. Usually in the form of reassurance that the symptoms I were experiencing were not unique and and also more importantly were not down to some physical disease that I for a good while was convinced I had. Almost exactly one year ago my life changed in a way in which I could not have imagined. I started feeling tingling in my arms and on my head and felt very nauseous. I am 37 and although had been told 8 years ago that I probably had IBS (explained loose movements and cramps etc) apart from that I was relatively healthy although I had been feeling very fatigued off and on for the last few years. I was convinced that it must be diabetes or a thyroid problem or something but yet again all the tests came back clear. Meanwhile I was feeling more and more fatigued and as a result getting irritable which wasn't fair on my wife. Anyway it was as if these tinglings and the subsequent muscle twiching that followed signalled the - I suspect long held view by myself - culmination of something very serious which would explain the relentless fatigue. At first I thought that it must be MS or even worse because of the constant twitching which was by now all over my body CJD or something equally doomladen. The worst part now was that I couldn't sleep. I had this constant shaking all over my body but felt it especially in my shoulders which just would not abate and this meant that sleep was an impossibility. Looking back now it seems ludicrous that I couldn't see that this was anxiety but whilst I was there it was very frightening. At this point thankfully I hadn't done any googling but had seen my GP who had said that MS was not likely due to the sudden onset. I was still convinced that something was seriously wrong and therefore after another visit to my GP in which I implored him to get me a referral to the Aberdeen Royal Infirmary, he agreed. I think he did this in the hope that if they were able to run some tests and give me the news I wanted to hear then that would help me. Also I think, given that I had got to the age I was without any previous form so to speak he would play it safe.
In the hospital I had bloods taken every day for presumably everything that they could think of just to rule it out and they suggested that there was a chance that they might never find out what was wrong with me which of course wasn't what I wanted to hear given how ill I still felt. For quite some time I had not been eating properly either and therefore was starting to look noticeably thinner which again unnerved me. I was given an ultrasound, chest xray, ECG, and a colonoscopy all which were fine and still it was no comfort. It was while in hospital that I googled for the first time on the patientline system. First of all just to see - how arrogant was I - if there was something that I could find that the doctors had missed that would give any indication as to why I felt the way I did. At this point it hadn't even entered my head that this might be anxiety related. Well I ended up at parkinsons and even worse than this I ended up at Multi System Atrophy which is the worst type of parkinsons and typically will put you in a wheelchair before too long. It seemed to tick all the boxes - visual disturbance(floaters), difficulty sleeping(anxiety), sweating(anxiety), bladder weakness with pain/urine infection(frequent urination caused by anxiety), dizzy spells(anxiety), general weakness(again anxiety) and the spidery writing which sealed it for me. Well this was it? Might as well book the plot now and say farewell to the family. They did an MRI which I was almost positive would show something but of course didn't - well apart from ware and tear in my neck which apparently is common for someone of my age. Of course even this wasn't enough to allay my fears because by that time I was convinced I had this degenerative disease and besides an MRI doesn't show up parkinsons. By the time september came I had been off work for almost a month and had lost any enthusiasm for work. My whole days were spent scanning myself for any perceived weakness and signs of degeneration. Eventually my wife confronted me with the possibility that this could anxiety. At first I thought no way but after a very wobbly spell which saw me try and have myself committed due to side effects from anti depressants and or severe anxiety I gradually started to come round although it was a long protracted process and still with a fair bit of scanning and introspection. Initially my GP started me on Myrtazipine for anxiety but that I ended up having very disturbing thoughts just after starting them which absolutely terrified me far more than the threat of any disease. I thought I was going crazy and had schizophrenia. I managed to get myself referred to a pschychiatrist who told me that it had all been down to severe anxiety. Again i still found this unbelievable. He changed my meds to Fluoxitine which he suggested would alleviate some of the obsessive components of my disorder which I was trying to get to grips with. Settling onto the Fluoxitine was no picnic either and by this time I was utterly useless. I didn't have any thought about harming myself or anything like that but I was thoroughly depressed and had no energy and didn't want to even leave the house although my parents and my wife especially who had herself been through the mill with me as well as having to look after the 3 kids kept me mobile. I would even use exercising as a test to check whether I could still do something and ultimately with swimming for example I would end up doing 120 lengths which would cheer me up for a while convinced that I was still physically okay but next morning because I had overdone it I would aching all over and be back to square one. Anyway to cut an extremely long story a little bit shorter I have gradually been able to come back little by little. The prozac dose was increased to 40mg which I was convinced was making me jerk and tremble but it still allowed me to function on a more even keel and over time many of the symptoms disappeared although of course as my obsession with one disease went away I allowed my mind to believe that okay it wasn't MSA but it could still be run of the mill Parkinsons which could after all be very hard to detect. I still feel sweaty all the time you see and often have tingles and a strange sensation in my hands especially my left one where my pinky almost feels like it is disconnected from the rest of the hand. At the start of the year I was lucky enoughto get a course of CBT which definitely helped me to rationalise things and I am still in a much better place than before but it hasn't gone and although I keep telling myself that it is all down to anxiety it is very hard to keep up the fight all the time. The positives are that I am probably the fittest I have been for quite a few years but despite this I am still worried and feel tired a lot. I know that this thread has rumbled on but consider it a late and long overdue proper introduction. I have definitely been buoyed up by the support that this site shows to people like me and although I know that it isn't healthly seeking reassurance all the time, sometimes you just have to.
Apologies again for the rambling but I needed to get this out at long last. I suppose the funnyiest thing is that for all intents and purposes I appear normal again to everyone else now. Feeling better and better informed yes but normal, no.
I have been using NMP for about 10 months now and have found it a great comfort. Usually in the form of reassurance that the symptoms I were experiencing were not unique and and also more importantly were not down to some physical disease that I for a good while was convinced I had. Almost exactly one year ago my life changed in a way in which I could not have imagined. I started feeling tingling in my arms and on my head and felt very nauseous. I am 37 and although had been told 8 years ago that I probably had IBS (explained loose movements and cramps etc) apart from that I was relatively healthy although I had been feeling very fatigued off and on for the last few years. I was convinced that it must be diabetes or a thyroid problem or something but yet again all the tests came back clear. Meanwhile I was feeling more and more fatigued and as a result getting irritable which wasn't fair on my wife. Anyway it was as if these tinglings and the subsequent muscle twiching that followed signalled the - I suspect long held view by myself - culmination of something very serious which would explain the relentless fatigue. At first I thought that it must be MS or even worse because of the constant twitching which was by now all over my body CJD or something equally doomladen. The worst part now was that I couldn't sleep. I had this constant shaking all over my body but felt it especially in my shoulders which just would not abate and this meant that sleep was an impossibility. Looking back now it seems ludicrous that I couldn't see that this was anxiety but whilst I was there it was very frightening. At this point thankfully I hadn't done any googling but had seen my GP who had said that MS was not likely due to the sudden onset. I was still convinced that something was seriously wrong and therefore after another visit to my GP in which I implored him to get me a referral to the Aberdeen Royal Infirmary, he agreed. I think he did this in the hope that if they were able to run some tests and give me the news I wanted to hear then that would help me. Also I think, given that I had got to the age I was without any previous form so to speak he would play it safe.
In the hospital I had bloods taken every day for presumably everything that they could think of just to rule it out and they suggested that there was a chance that they might never find out what was wrong with me which of course wasn't what I wanted to hear given how ill I still felt. For quite some time I had not been eating properly either and therefore was starting to look noticeably thinner which again unnerved me. I was given an ultrasound, chest xray, ECG, and a colonoscopy all which were fine and still it was no comfort. It was while in hospital that I googled for the first time on the patientline system. First of all just to see - how arrogant was I - if there was something that I could find that the doctors had missed that would give any indication as to why I felt the way I did. At this point it hadn't even entered my head that this might be anxiety related. Well I ended up at parkinsons and even worse than this I ended up at Multi System Atrophy which is the worst type of parkinsons and typically will put you in a wheelchair before too long. It seemed to tick all the boxes - visual disturbance(floaters), difficulty sleeping(anxiety), sweating(anxiety), bladder weakness with pain/urine infection(frequent urination caused by anxiety), dizzy spells(anxiety), general weakness(again anxiety) and the spidery writing which sealed it for me. Well this was it? Might as well book the plot now and say farewell to the family. They did an MRI which I was almost positive would show something but of course didn't - well apart from ware and tear in my neck which apparently is common for someone of my age. Of course even this wasn't enough to allay my fears because by that time I was convinced I had this degenerative disease and besides an MRI doesn't show up parkinsons. By the time september came I had been off work for almost a month and had lost any enthusiasm for work. My whole days were spent scanning myself for any perceived weakness and signs of degeneration. Eventually my wife confronted me with the possibility that this could anxiety. At first I thought no way but after a very wobbly spell which saw me try and have myself committed due to side effects from anti depressants and or severe anxiety I gradually started to come round although it was a long protracted process and still with a fair bit of scanning and introspection. Initially my GP started me on Myrtazipine for anxiety but that I ended up having very disturbing thoughts just after starting them which absolutely terrified me far more than the threat of any disease. I thought I was going crazy and had schizophrenia. I managed to get myself referred to a pschychiatrist who told me that it had all been down to severe anxiety. Again i still found this unbelievable. He changed my meds to Fluoxitine which he suggested would alleviate some of the obsessive components of my disorder which I was trying to get to grips with. Settling onto the Fluoxitine was no picnic either and by this time I was utterly useless. I didn't have any thought about harming myself or anything like that but I was thoroughly depressed and had no energy and didn't want to even leave the house although my parents and my wife especially who had herself been through the mill with me as well as having to look after the 3 kids kept me mobile. I would even use exercising as a test to check whether I could still do something and ultimately with swimming for example I would end up doing 120 lengths which would cheer me up for a while convinced that I was still physically okay but next morning because I had overdone it I would aching all over and be back to square one. Anyway to cut an extremely long story a little bit shorter I have gradually been able to come back little by little. The prozac dose was increased to 40mg which I was convinced was making me jerk and tremble but it still allowed me to function on a more even keel and over time many of the symptoms disappeared although of course as my obsession with one disease went away I allowed my mind to believe that okay it wasn't MSA but it could still be run of the mill Parkinsons which could after all be very hard to detect. I still feel sweaty all the time you see and often have tingles and a strange sensation in my hands especially my left one where my pinky almost feels like it is disconnected from the rest of the hand. At the start of the year I was lucky enoughto get a course of CBT which definitely helped me to rationalise things and I am still in a much better place than before but it hasn't gone and although I keep telling myself that it is all down to anxiety it is very hard to keep up the fight all the time. The positives are that I am probably the fittest I have been for quite a few years but despite this I am still worried and feel tired a lot. I know that this thread has rumbled on but consider it a late and long overdue proper introduction. I have definitely been buoyed up by the support that this site shows to people like me and although I know that it isn't healthly seeking reassurance all the time, sometimes you just have to.
Apologies again for the rambling but I needed to get this out at long last. I suppose the funnyiest thing is that for all intents and purposes I appear normal again to everyone else now. Feeling better and better informed yes but normal, no.