Im Pathetic.54 Years Old Lost And Alone

[looking4answers]

About three years ago . I had terrible terrible health anxiety. Somehow I pulled myself up and got out of it for about three years . In the last month my sinuses have been horrible. Three years ago I had started hearing my heartbeat constantly.

Over that time I suppose I got used to it. I tried to stay as busy as I could.

This year the pollen slowed me down and allergies went wild. I started hearing my pulse again very loudly . I can actually hear the pulse. Sometimes it makes weird noises like its trying to keep up and just doesn't sound right.

Over the last few years I have been really physical and my pulse has raced so many times but always went back down. Over the last month I have gotten a heart fixation. I can't stop taking my pulse or thinking about it.

I haven't been near as bad as I was three years ago but bad enough.
I worry about it when I get up , I hear it and hear it skipping and wonder if I have developed heart disease within the last three years.

I try to keep everything under wraps and not to be to noticable but I have gotten where I can't even concentrate on watching television to much.
Im always thinking about what my heart is doing. This morning I woke and checked my pulse before I got out of bed. My wife noticed and said "OH GOD' This hurt my feelings and made me feel bad but I didn't say anything.

Later in the day I got online to read what was going on here at NMP and just read the news and etc. She just all of a sudden asked "What are we going to do?" I was shocked. She was upset because I ask her about my heart sometimes and I read things online to help me feel better.

We are retired so its not like we have that much to do. However I do read post on here and read post from the past and also get on the medical boards and asked the cardiologist things there.

Later in the day I was laying on the bed on the computer and she mentioned it and I just started crying. I haven't cried in many years,
I couldn't stop. I felt I was so alone in my life and just wanted to run somewhere and hide but we are in the middle of nowhere and I don't really know anyone here to talk to.

I felt so sad and the crying made me feel so tired that im exhausted now.
She aplogized and I just didn't accept it. I just feel where was she when I needed her to be supportive of me.

The doctors have told me my heart is strong yet I hear it beating in my head much of the time and it scares me. Im trying really hard to get away from this fear but know that no doctor can give you a guarantee.

Im still stuck here on this keyboard as I will be much of the night until I pass out from being so tired only to start my day that way again.

Wondering what could I have done to get this worry back in my head. Up until about a month ago I worked really hard and had a fast pulse and never thought much about it. But now im back in the pathetic mode and scared because I thought at least my wife would give me a little support. Now I know that Im truly on my own as far as my worries.

Not only do I have to worry about my health I have to worry about hers too . She gets dizzy spells and feels bad many times and I comfort her.

Anxiety is a lonely thing. It is so scarry to have it and have supportive people around you but its even more scarry to know that you are truly alone. I hope my post wasn't too long and wanted others to know I feel your pain. I really know what its like to be alone and scared.

[Panikki]

Hi,
You are not pathetic ..please dont tell your self this...none of us asked to have anxiety and panic...I remember when you used to post on here regular a few yrs back and you were caught in the cycle of anxiety...i did notice that your posts had diminished for a long while and wondered where you had gone..but like many of us when we make some form of recovery we move on and occupy our time with things "normal" people do ...but we are prone to relaspes and they can be as shocking and disheartening as the first time we experienced panic...remember that you have had respite from this before and it can come again..thats what keeps me going at the moment ..as like you i had a reasonable recovery period and even returned to work but since my dad passed away at the end of last yr my anxiety and panic has come back with a vengence and yes i ask myself why...after learning to cope and deal with it all before why has it got me so bad again..but Many of us are the same we just gotta keep going til we come out the other side again...and i'm sure you will get through this again!! Take care and keep posting for support..Jodiex

[Thumbelina]

Hi friend,

I had the heart checking thing for a year.

Like you I could hear every single beat and i couldnt concentrate on anything else. I could hear it all night through and i would count. I would go from one sheet of terror to another - I was many times in ER and I was more than convinced that I was either having dangerously high BP or my pulse was almost 200. I had heart ultrasound and other tests...I developed very bad depression along with it - was shrinking and nauseous all the time. Totally frozen or paralized person. Then i started reading about heart rate and i found that our heart is very strong it can handle easily up to 230 beats per minute fo many hours non stop. It made me feel a tiny bit calmer instantly, then i found out that I have GAD and that all these sensations and obsessions are just a part of my condition. I also have 2 little kids and a husband who makes me feel guilty about what is happening to me.

I even used to carry a tanometer in my bag couple of years ago and i wouldnt go anywhere without it. After some time i just left it at home first time in 2 years.
It was 3 years ago. And I am 32 now. Now i am climbing out of a set back caused by accumulated anxiety and it feels as hard as 4 years ago, but the difference is that i have a better understanding of the mechanism and proceses. I have excepted that for about 2 weeks i am a waste of space and I shouldnt even get upset about it. With the acceptance it is easier, and hopefully it will go away faster with this acceptance. Though i do go to work daily and try to be as productive as possible.

You are not alone with the worries you have and more important - you have felt great before and you will again. This will come. Just think the good day ahead ARE WORTH suffering now - because you will really appreciate them when they will come.

Take care

[Jaco45er]

Looking my man I still see you are struggling mate.

I am 42, when I was around 30 I was totally fixated on my heart. This became a massive issue for me, it lead to me having 24/7 anxiety, panics, trying meds that nearly put me over the edge, until I got to the stage that I dare not exert myself for fear of dropping dead, and this was after numerous reassurances from my GP.

It started to affect everything, work, kids, family, all the things I used to do I stopped doing. I even developed anxiety over being trapped (like in trains, planes, meetings, fairground rides etc).

Eventually, after a few years of it, and armed with some self help knowledge, I started to get more active. I figured if I am going to be terrified of my heart, it doesn't really matter what I do so I started at the gym again, and got out doing more active stuff.

This simple decision was the best move to treat my anxiety I ever made. After weeks I felt my heart was stronger (after all, it is muscle) and more resistant.

I am not saying go and run marathons looking, but have a go at getting out and about, spot of gardening, brisk walks etc, because these simple acts will make you feel better to cope mentally and physically.

Always remember this, it is your mind that is keeping you in this state, not your body.

Good luck mate

Jaco

[pammy1944]

youre not pathetic sweetie........youre just anxious and feeling the lonliness that this brings ...........try to keep smiling xxxxx

[Veronica H]

:bighug1: Unless you have anxiety it is very difficult to understand which is why we reach out to sites like NMP. Please forgive your wife's frustration she doesnot understand this illness nor does she know how to help you. She is probably very worried about you though. The most difficult thing to comprehend about this illness is that it is our thoughts that are keeping this cycle of fear going and that this is not a physical illness. I ended up in the Accident and Emergency at the hospital twice with my heart racing before I was diagnosed. My heart is healthy.There is a brilliant book by Dr Claire Weekes called 'self help for your nerves', published by Thorsons. This is available from the NMP Shop. Her work can also be downloaded free to your MP3 from the shop. I can't recommend this enough, as it really explains what is happening to us, and how we can recover. You are not alone. This site has helped me back to recovery so draw on the support here.

Veronica

[teez]

i can see from both sides of this now ,,which gives me a lot of understanding ,,,back in my early twentys a friend of mine told me she had been seriously ill with her nerves,,,i got home and im ashamed to admit i just didnt understand,,,well in my thirties i understood perfectly,,,i had what i know now as a panic attack,,i was rushed into hospital monitors everywhere,,,to be sent home very ashamed and exhausted, ive had non stop chest pain ,miss beats and flutters ever since im now 46,,lol, it is scarey,,im a very strong person but a few flutters can reduce me to a quivering wreck, you have to be strong to get through the days we do hun,so dont put yourself down,,we are all here behind you,,,keep strong :hugs:

[breathe236]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Having health anxiety can be a nightmare. Although I can't relate to the heart thing...all my life I had a fear of vomiting. Honestly, the only thing that got my out of my rut was taking a low dosage of Prozac...I was on it for a year, my anxiety disappeared, and now I feel pretty much back to normal. Think about getting psychological help, and THINK about medication. It may not be for you....but it can help you lead a more normal life.