2 weeks in my life

[distorted reality]

Hi, I've recently been doing really well with anxiety. I had a pretty bad relapse after a holiday and I decided to log everything for 2 weeks in the hope of finding a pattern. It turns out that just writing a log and staying vigilant of my symptoms perpetuated them. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, I'll give him this.

I thought it may be of relevance to some of you fellow sufferers. I hope some of you can relate...

WARNING: This is quite long! :)

[distorted reality]

Introduction

Diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder 16/10/09 after having my first panic attack and subsequently going to A&E, I've had, probably, the worst year of my life due to experiencing debilitating symptoms and getting "brushed off" by medical professionals with no explanation other than - Anxiety. It seems they can tell me what my symptoms "Aren't" but not what they are. This is incredibly frustrating. Because I'm not dying right now, I don't matter. The whole process has caused more anxiety (presuming that's what it is) and I really can't see a way out.

I've had ECGs, blood tests, chest x-rays, an echocardiogram and 2 24h holter monitors - All clear. The problem is, I've never had anxiety symptoms during any test. They've all been in response to previous episodes because I've either ended up at A&E again or had to badger the doctor to do something and by the time I've had a test I've felt fine!

The last time I saw my GP, he told me there wasn't really anything he could do for me as I'd already had CBT. Every time I bring it up I'm made to feel like I'm wasting everyone's time. He suggested I pay for Psychotherapy, which I now am, to find the root cause of the anxiety. I'll be on my 7th session as of 27/08/09 and although I'm unearthing some possible negatives in my life, it doesn't seem to be having a positive effect on my health as yet. I'm prepared to give it more time and money though.

Prior to this log I've had two weeks of very little/ manageable symptoms. I think this is due to me giving up the car and now walking 10 miles per week and also trying to eat as healthily as possible - I just need to give up smoking now! I'm having a relapse and so I've decided to log new episodes and list symptoms as I go. I'm considering seeing another doctor for a second opinion as I can see no correlation between emotional distress and my symptoms.

The following are symptoms I have on a daily basis. The combination and severity differ every day but I thought it best to list them all. I can't possibly log all symptoms, as they occur, in the GAD log as they are so frequent. Some are fleeting and insignificant and therefore the log will only include symptoms, in my opinion, worthy of a mention at the time.

GP; Please read and digest (Pun intended).



















Current symptoms include:


- Chest pain, tightness, pressure & dull aches - These are by far the most harrowing symptoms.

- Sometime worn out & breathless after only light exertion.

- Tachycardia.

- Slow HR (Brady? just slower than normal).

- Irregular HR.

- Skipped/ ectopic beats more frequent and now also during day.

- Shortness of breath now daily.

- Tightness in chest now daily.

- Creeping sensation around rib cage - both sides and front.

- Fresh blood in mucus (prescribed antibiotics, suspected infecton).

- More frequent central chest pain.

- Soreness/ strange sensation in ribs (sides under arms and base of lung)

- Underarm pain - mainly left arm.

- Pain, inside, between shoulder blades.

- Strange (heart?) discomfort leading to tachy (can sometimes feel when it's coming on).

- Daily nausea & vertigo.

- Get very tired usually around lunch time.

- Overwhelming fatigue at random times.

- Noticed squishing in pulse?? (as opposed to the usual bump, bump). - I know I shouldn't check this!

- Isolated warm/ icy cold sensations in left leg, face and/ or arm.

- Cold shiver sensations in head.







Current Symptoms Continued


- Increasingly stiff neck which causes dizzyness when moving head quickly. Painful to touch chin to chest.

- Constant tension headache progressively worse (now all over head but most prominent at base of skull).

- Stabbing head pains that feel internal.

- Pressure in temples/ just in front of ears/ frontal head.

- Vision disturbance (inability to focus momentarily).

- Insomnia more frequent.

- Sensations of momentary loss and regain of consciousness.

- Gas/ indigestion is very frequent lately.

- Numbness in calf, buttock (weird).

- Hot flushes.

- Confusion and forgetfulness.

- Slurred speech and loss of words at times.

- inability to concentrate or take in information.

- Memory loss

- Constant painful sternum - also painful to the touch. I've had this symptom pre-diagnosis. I'm not sure it's related but it adds to anxiety. No one seems to give me an answer to this.


While dealing with these symptoms, I'm now frequently taking time off work after particularly bad episodes and subsequently being paid SSP. I'm also taking pain killers every day for my headache which i don't think is a good idea. My doctor puts the lot down to anxiety although I still cant find a trigger and I never feel anxious unless symptoms have lasted more than an hour or are particularly severe. CBT has helped me to rationalise and counselling is just a nice, relaxing passtime with little to no other benefits as yet. However, I can see how it could be potentially useful as things unfold.









GAD Log

Mon 17/08/09 - return from break

Breakfast: full scottish 08:30
Lunch: missed as breakfast was huge!
Dinner: spinach & ricotta pizza 19:00

I've had a good 4 days holiday. It's been great, no anxiety, met new people, no symptoms - blissful normality!! People really don't know how lucky they are! Feeling good, on my feet, ready to bounce back to work! I travelled home pretty much all day though which wasn't the best way to spend an anxiety free day!

Tue 18/08/09

Breakfast: skipped - needed to get to work!
Lunch: Chilli, chips, salad @ 12:00
Dinner: spinach & ricotta pizza @ 20:30

-07:00 slept well, showered and heading to work feeling pretty good.

-23:10 a good day, typical! Though I'm not complaining - Bed

-00:30 In bed; fullness right behind the base of breast bone. bordering on moderate pain accompanied by rapid HR. I let my guard down and got very anxious because of it. I took antacids to check if it was indigestion but it didn't cease straight away. I exerted some energy to use the adrenaline which seemed to slow my HR but make it stronger. sitting in lounge now until it passes.

-02:26 still a little tense, HR normal, chest wall a little stiff now.

-03:00 chest discomfort retuning.

-04:21 mostly relaxed now although very shaky & ache all over from tension. heading to bed to try again.

wed 19/08/09 - missed work

Breakfast: porridge @ 13:00
Lunch: skipped
Dinner: pasta. asparagus & spinach + chunky tomato sauce

-12:39 woke up with v achy chest.
Off work and heading to new doctor's to get appt for 2nd opinion

-18:30 Been on a strenuous walk to the new doc's and back. Nearly home when i got a pain in my chest radiating into center of my back (lung?) couldnt control my breathing properly.. Anxt kicked in and i went extremely light headed so slowed my pace. Seemed to subside once i got home and chilled.

-00:11 Bed

-01:00 Can't sleep.
Thu 20/08/09 - missed work

Breakfast: Porridge 11:00
Lunch: skipped
Dinner: Scrambled egg on toast 21:00

10:23 Must have dropped off about 3am. Can't face work this tired.

13:30 I had to walk to Headingly (1.6 mile) and back to pick up some cash a friend owes me. On the way I got chest pain. It set me off. I was worried. I thought: Angina!! I slowed my pace but had difficulty regulating my breathing. The pain subsided after about 10 minutes but it left me anxious. The way back was fine bar a few short stabbing pains.

15:00 Got my application in to the doc's, I should get an appointment next week.

18:00 Today's counselling with Natasha was great. I had a bit of an eye opener and a few things hit home. I've felt good since then. The 5.2 mile walk may have helped me along :)

00:00 Since therapy I've had a few twinges and a funny taste in my mouth but it's not bothered me. She really is good! I'm going to bed to try for work in the morning.

02:38 I'm up. Didn't get to sleep. I'm shattered but I'm getting lots of tachycardias out of nowhere. It feels almost like an alternating rhythm. I'm not terrified, I'm coping, although it is causing very short bouts of panic feelings. NOT good! I don't think I've had this before. I've had tachy but not lots of short bursts like this. I'm getting short, sharp pains in my shoulder & under my arms too. I've nothing to be anxious about. I've had a good day really and i've felt comforted by my therapy. I'm also getting a strange taste in my mouth and I'm burping a bit... I did eat late and it was eggs - dunno if that's related?

03:13 I've Called NHS Direct. My symptoms persist so I want some advice. They really don't like to rush things!! ...I spoke to a lovely lady who went through symptoms to check me over thoroughly. She's getting a doctor to call me back to make sure it's nothing to worry about.

04:00 The nurse called back. She wants me to have an appointment in about half an hour. I explained I felt better and now just ached from it but she thought it best I see someone. I'll have to walk there. Just waiting for a call. Got the call... I'll update soon.

04:48 I'm back! The doc isn't worried at all. He said if it persists, book another holter until I catch it. He says, "anxiety" - as they all do - but to be honest he seemed more concerned with getting himself back to bed - poor guy looked knackered! I bet he has a better sleep than me - haha!

05:30 Still aching but back to bed for me...










Fri 21/08/09 - missed work

Breakfast: 2 slices of toast & innocent smoothie 13:25
Lunch: skipped
Dinner: egg on toast 19:30

13:10 Woke up with a very sore ribcage. It feels worn out. I'm feeling very depressed and I've not managed to get to work - again! I'm getting suicidal thoughts - again! I feel like I'm back at square one. So low....

14:33 I've just had a very warm, understanding and kind email from my boss, Andy. He tells me my job is secure and that the company value me and want to support me through this. He's offered for me to see a private consultant through the company. ...To think, all the times I've thought these guys were against me. I'm quite moved.

00:40 Chest wall has been really painful all day. Like a stiffness made worse when I lean on my elbows. ie: elbows on knees. Had a little anxiety earlier, probably related to my chest, but overall not too bad. Heading to bed

Sat 22/08/09

Breakfast: skipped
Lunch: Gregg's chicken pasty 1:40
Dinner: Sausage, sweet potato mash & onion gravy 19:30
Alcohol: 2x 500ml 6% cider 4x cans 5% lager from 18:00

10:00 Pretty good sleep. Iiam's 30th today but I don't know if being on my own there and not feeling well is such a good idea. I feel a bit rotten for not going but Liam will understand. I'm definitely feeling anxiety about the whole thing. Strange, I thought my anxiety was purely symptom based. This, surely, borders on agoraphobia.

Macca came round for the day. Not seen him in a while & we had a laugh. Walked 2 miles & back to return the duet, stopped for a greggs, picked up a few beers, got in the studio for most of the day. It\s strange. I found myself "chatting" much more than usual. Chatting to the point of getting breathless and excited at points. That's very unlike me. I had little to no anxiety today aside from a little pressure headache which i treated with paracetamol. Macca left at 10:30 - a good day overall.

23:00 had a few beers, I'll definitely sleep!














Sun 23/08/09

Breakfast: Porridge 08:47
Lunch: Sausage sandwiches 17:00
Dinner: skipped

-06:00 Got out of bed, I've been stirring for half an hour with a dicky stomach & palpitations. Started to worry a little about it but realised what it was after being on the toilet for 15 minutes. I feel much better!! It's a beautiful morning...

-07:01 I've definitely got a stomach upset. Feels gassy and a little uneasy. Also have shortness of breath - not from anxiety - I think I smoked too much yesterday and breathed the pillow all night!

-22:34 I've got by quite well today up until now. I'm full of gas, have awful sore ribs under my arms and around to the front. I feel sick. I can feel the anxiety coming through. I always think "heart". I'm gonna try some rennies.

-23:00 rennies have settled my gassiness a little. I feel like i have to sit up straight or I get all the awful feelings. I keep getting bouts of chest pain and I'm burping it out:- Not sure if the burps are real gas or me convincing myself it's just gassy stomach. I hate this so much!

-23:43 I decided to go on a little 10 minute walk. I feel a little better. Maybe the rennies kicked in? I have a terrible pressure in my head now, like my sinuses. It must be from me being so tense.. I don't really want to take paracetamol all the time like this.

-23:49 Nope, it's definitely real gas. I can feel it moving inside my chest before it surfaces. This gas is a new symptom - I really hope it isn't here to stay.

-00:30 Things have settled down a little bit now. Still have the headache though. I'm gonna try for bed.

Mon 24/08/09 - half day at work

Breakfast: Porridge 09:20
Lunch: Lasagna, chips & salad 13:17
Dinner: chicken breast, sweet potato mash, green beans & broccoli 20:15

-09:36 I've had the best sleep in a week! I woke up bright eyed & bushy tailed - but I've slept through my alarm!!. I'm definitely going in to work. I've emailed ahead. I'm not going to worry about being late. That would be detri"mental" :) - ha!

-12:13 Got in to work about half hour ago. ribs are sore and headache persists. I keep catching myself all tensed up. I'm having to relax my muscles every 30 minutes. - There's a clue to the ribs & muscle aches.

-23:24 I've done well. I've had a few pains but I've dealt with them very well. I got a moderate chest pain on the somewhat brisk walk home. I got a little angry and walked faster & harder. It subsided very quickly. My rib & breastbone ache/ discomfort seems to be aggravated by leaning on my arms when at a computer or laying on the sofa for any period. I'm trying to avoid it and correct my posture but I keep finding myself doing it! Anyway... Good night!


Tue 25/08/09

Breakfast: 2 toast 07:30
Lunch: 2 x chicken pasties 14:00
Dinner: left over chicken sandwiches 19:00
Alcohol: 3x bulmers 500ml 4.5% cider from 20:00

-10:00 I had a little trouble sleeping. I think I nodded off at around 3am. Subsequently felt crappy this morning and missed my train! When I got into work at 09:30 there was a sneaky email from a nobody that was sent to everyone in the company insinuating that I'd not done my job properly. I quickly replied to all proving exactly how well i do my job and that I did well to keep any damage to the absolute minimum. I also stated that I would not have been in such a tight position if others were doing their job properly!! I then got a separate email from my boss complaining that I don't get in on time. I explained I'd had very little sleep and I'd pretty much dragged myself in.
Should I just not bother? I feel I'm trying my best and people just seem to want to shoot me down! I'm feeling really quite frustrated and tense.. I can feel anxiety and I'm sure this will manifest itself physically later on. It's hard to see things from their perspective. I can only defend myself because I feel I'm right in doing my best in all situations!

-11:02 Yup, I've got tightness around my chest. It's almost like a band of muscle across the front that's being pulled tight, sqeezing a little. It's not making me panic, just really annoying. I also have a mild chest pain. it's central and feels like it's coming from inside. It's not a dull ache. It's more a very faint scratch/ graze type pain - like soreness but very faint. - It's so difficult describing pains. Especially when you don't know where they originate from.

-11:22 Boss's sent a reply saying that he doesn't see me as working harder or better than most of the others despite the numbers he obviously has access to and despite him recently stating i was a valued employee. What Bulls**t! I've had enough, It's so frustrating!!!!! It's this place that perpetuates this illness!!

-11:42 had a pretty bad abdominal pain that was a dull ache. on the run up I've had a lot of (stomach?) rumbling.. Could it be gas again? I feel a bit nauseous too. these gas pains are quite unnerving. I'm hoping it's a side effect of the anxiety and not a new health issue that has been caused by it. Doc's this friday should be able to answer. I'll have to keep calm until then - No google diagnosis!

-21:01 had chest pains and gas again for the majority of the evening. I had indigestion which seemed to be in my ribs and center.. rennies calmed that down but I'm starting to believe I may have an intolerance to something or some kind of stomach problem. I'm sure GERD would have been picked up on the multiple chest x-rays though... The plot thickens...

-11:45 Bed










Wed 26/08/09 - missed work

Breakfast: Porridge 09:43
Lunch: 2x chicken pasties 14:35
Dinner: beans & cheese on toast 20:15
Sweet: king size lion bar 21:00
Alcohol: 3 Bulmer's 500ml 4.5% cider from 20:00

-07:23 Woke up a little tired. Chest/ breastbone is really sore. No anxiety, Just bloody sore. Hurts to the touch so it's probably muscular.

-09:37 coughed up blood again this morning. At least it looks like blood, I'm colourblind which isn't a great help. No actual forced coughing, it's a mucus build up that I feel I need to cough up myself. When I saw the blood it immediately struck the panic sensation but I quickly got a grip on it and although a little concerned, I'm feeling ok I guess. I really should get those antibiotics that were prescribed when I couldn't afford them! More importantly; I really need to stop smoking!

-15:25 I've been to the chemists. Amoxicillin & turbutaline. The walk was horrendous!! It was as if I'd ran a marathon after only 100 meters. I couldn't get my breath, I had a squeezing, tight chest and chest pain just left of center. I slowed my pace and it calmed down a bit but the way back was the same. I get like this from time to time. Dyspnoea. Surely it can't be asthma? I walk much further and faster than this on a daily basis with no trouble usually.

-15:47 Not sure if i've mentioned this but my sinuses feel bunged. No runny nose, just a constant pressure in my face/ head.

-17:30 Had a short nap, I came over all tired. I took about 30 minutes but I've come round to a persistently strong and rapid heart rate. It's not creating anxiety but it bothers me.. does that mean it is causing anxiety?? Yes, I think it probably does.

-19:32 I'm off to pick up some nice ciders. I slept straight away last night and I'd like to get to work tomorrow.

-23:46 I've had chest pain right behind the sternum pretty much all day. I've also had the strange alternating heart rhythm - slow then fast then slow - Which I think is quite new. I've smoked a few cigarettes today though so I'm putting it down to that. One day I will quit and I can't wait! I'm going to try sleeping. I shouldn't have napped earlier to be honest.

-00:49 Fast, pounding pulse since going to bed accompanied by chest discomfort (Not really pain) and now gas/ indigestion. Needless to say I can't sleep. I just lay there with no anxiety - It's like trying to get to sleep while someone stands there continually prodding you! I am so sick of this. I'm so tired!! I felt I was drifting off at one point too. I'm sitting up in the lounge with a cup of Tea now. My pulse is 96, steady. I've had some rennies to settle my gas.

-01:50 Excuse the graphic nature but I've just let out the worlds biggest burp!! Lots of smaller ones followed.. My chest has settled now and my heart rate seems stable. I'll try for bed again.





Thu 27/08/09 - missed work

Today is the final day of the log. I want to give it to my GP in the morning. Hopefully (s)he will see something I don't - if (s)he gets time to read it that is. I'm also going to print a copy for my therapist. I'm not sure if she'll find anything but it's worth a shot.

Breakfast: Porridge 13:46
Lunch: missed
Dinner: beans, cheese on toast 19:00
Alcohol: 1 750ml bottle of 13.5% red from 19:00

-11:50 I've slept through my 3 alarms and 2 missed calls from Nat! I dropped off around 3. I thought about flying in to work but I've got psychotherapy at 5 and by the time i get to the office I'd have to leave. I hope I don't sleep through my doctor's appointment tomorrow! I've got sore lungs/ ribs again. It's inside my ribs at both sides it feels like the bottom of my lungs? There's no anxiety, it's just a soreness.

-19:17 Had another great session at psychotherapy. I always walk home calm & refreshed. I doubted at first but I'm learning things I can't explain. Great!

-19:32 Chest discomfort. especially when laynig on the sofa. I've just eaten and I think it's related. Although, I did have mild symptoms on the walk home.

-23:55 Bottle of wine & a chilled film have tired me out! Hopefully I'll be able to make my doctor's appointment.. good night!


NB: Diet has been sub-par whilst Natalie's been away. I've not had the drive to do much to be honest, never mind cook. She's home tomorrow so hopefully we'll be eating better as of next week!

-Gas is always belching, no flatulence
-Chest pains noted are always central, I get sharp pains all over my chest but they don't bother me - They're most likely pleuretic.



















Conclusion?


So after two weeks of logging my health and diet I was hoping to stumble across a pattern. I was hoping to find links or triggers somewhere. If I could just believe my symptoms were really anxiety and not some deteriorating state of health. The problem is that all I am told is, "It's probably not this", "It's very unlikely to be that". I suppose I should find comfort that professionals aren't worried - but Dr Google.co.uk soon remedied that theory!

As of now my symptoms accrue as my life grinds to a halt. I've written no music in two weeks, I've been off work more than I've attended, I have no interest in doing anything or going anywhere, I'm losing money, I'm building up debts, I'm depressed - at times I feel suicidal! I really need some help to get through.

There has to be someone, somewhere with the knowledge and resources to help me and others in my situation. If not, I'll have this for life. That would make this a terminal illness - in that - I would have an illness and i'd die with it. Surely the NHS should take it more seriously!? They should give every possible test/ scan in one go to rule out everything. It would cost less in the longrun than people wasting Hospital's time and resources on a regular basis.

Do whatever you like with this diary. Record it, publish it, forward it or bin it but thanks for taking the time to read it. I appreciate it.

Chris.



This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter

[Chrissie21]

Hi Chris,

I can totally sympathise with you! you sound exactly like me!

What I would say (although this may be obvious) is that there are long periods between eating and not always eating very much in your log. I know that lack of appetite is a massive issue with anx. and I know all about that too. Although I would say the bouts of total exhaustion/ breathlessness/dizziness can also be exacerbated by lack of vitamins and lack of fuel. Since I have been eating more and taking B12/ Magnesuim ( mainly for the headaches) carry glucose tablets with me, and also taking Iron I can say that some of the symptoms have eased a little, especially the bouts where I used to want to collapse I was so fatigued.

Another thing I have is acid/ reflux. This can be made worse by long periods of your stomach being empty. i can totally relate to the pain in the sternum and up my chest. Sometimes it is unbearable. i find 3 - 4 large spoonfuls of gaviscon releve it slightly, therefore it has to be related to the acid for me. it is always worse when I have been 5- 6 hourswithout eating.

I hope you find this post useful

stay well
X

[nomorepanic]

Hi

My main comment would be the diet - is that all you eat all day ? No wonder you feel ill.

The time between meals is too long and you are not eating enough and there doesn't seem to be any fruit/veg on a daily basis.

[Candiflare]

Hi Chris,

Like everyone else, I can completely sympathize, and I have BEEN there. It took me three years of chronic symptoms, statutory sick pay, angry bosses and Doctors telling me it was anxiety before I was diagnosed with a genetic condition which I found out had caused every symptom I'd ever had in my life. I'm not saying it will be as simple for you (not saying it was simple for me at all, in fact, it was awful!) but there is definitely a cause for the way you are feeling even if it's several different things; even if one of the causes is anxiety.

Firstly, something I noticed about your post and diary (I read it all the way through) was that you always seemed/felt happier after you chatted to someone (your friend Macca for example, or your therapist) and even if doing that didn't take the symptoms away, you seemed to be happy to get the feelings out. No matter how frustrated you get or how awful you feel physically, you need to KEEP TALKING because that is the only way you're going to survive this it seems. Keep describing how you feel, keep telling people, keep seeing friends and keep posting on this board.

I am still ill from this genetic condition and it affects me everyday as frequently as your symptoms do, but knowing WHY it happens is what makes the difference between being depressed about my illness and dealing with it. You need to learn WHY it is happening to you and you need to keep going until you do.

But don't catastrophize (eg, when you feel sick don't start thinking it's stomach problems on top of chest problems on top of heart problems...) keep it real.