Grrr! Completely Stuck!

[BCD]

Right.......the back story:

I'm 28 and have suffered severe anxiety for 10 years now. It also led to depression, but I think I'm over the worst of that. The anxiety disorder has ruined the last decade. I've only been able to work for 2.5 years of as a researcher. I am taking tazodone 100mg and olanzapine 2.5mg.

My problem:

I have been looking for a job, but due to my lack of experience I'm finding it difficult. So, I have always wanted to get a degree, and have been lucky enough to have been made an offer to study horticulture BSc at my local land based college. Great!.......but......I'm still having dreadful problems with my health so I'm worried about how I'll cope. I really don't want to put off study any longer, so feel I must do it this year.......or I'll never do it.

My problem that I'm worried about is based around food. In a nutshell: if I eat I tend to feel generally rotten, but if I don't eat I end up feeling incredibly weak. If I eat I worry about being sick, but if I don't eat then I worry about fainting. A vicious circle if ever there was one!

So, I've got to choose which is the lesser of two evils.

I'm thinking about just eating one of those 'meal replacement/protein' bars that you can get from the chemist. What do you think of that idea? I've tried the meal replacement drinks, but they are all vile to taste and make me feel quite ill.

My GP is very dismissive. I hadn't seen him in over a year, yet when I had an appointment last week he just said 'you've been complaining about this for years now'. :(

How can I get by at college with this food problem? I'm quite excited about learning all those great skills and knowledge, but this food issue is terrifying me!

Any help would be wonderful!

[Utility]

Hi

If, as you say, your GP is dismissive then ask for another opinion. This is not an unreasonable request and will help in the long run.

[Anxious_gal]

first you need to get real help. change doctors,find your therpist, try new medication...........
Well those Innocent Smoothies are quite good, if your really have to not eat proper food then make sure your getting enough nutrients, you can even buy fibre you add to water,
try not just rely on meal replacements, maybe try soups?
but you really need support and some kind of therapist to help you.
get tests, blood tests and evrything else to rule out a physical problem.
I had anxiety 11 years and I too have not much work experience, at least give the course a go :-)

[BCD]

The problem is that I'm so alone. I've only got a small family, yet they refuse to help me at all. They are really horrible to me. Plus, I've lost contact with all of my old friends due to this anxiety disorder.

I really don't know what to do.

I do see a therapist, it helps I guess, but apart from those meetings a month I get no support whatsoever.

My GP is useless, but I'm worried that if I change GP my notes will bias the new doctor's opinion of my troubles.

I honestly wish that I was dead. I cannot face another 60-70 years of this. If I don't get a career sorted soon I'll never be able to get a job. BUT.....I don't know how I'll cope with college....it may even make me worse. Should I defer entry for one more year?

[expecto patronum]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear that you don't get any support from your family; I don't know the situation, but is it possible that they are just scared -like most people- of addressing mental health problems, rather than not caring at all?
You need to get a new GP, the one you have at the moment sounds like he is of the ''pull yourself together'' school of thought (so no help at all to anyone with anxiety or depression). Don't worry about him biasing anyone against you; your GP situation can only get better!!
I am currently also stuggling with 'where is my life/career going' worry too, but its really more important to learn to cope with the anxiety first, and the career stuff will come together in time. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself (easier said than done I know!) it only makes things worse: That's not to say that you can't make a start with finding a career, but focussing on improving your confidence in what you have to offer will be more helpful as you will start to have more belief that you deserve a good job. I have recently discovered that there are special charities for helping people with anxiety or depression to find and maintain a career. Also, if you want to work in horticulture, have you heard about the National Trust's "Careership" scheme for apprentice wardens and gardeners?

[mollymahoney]

I can totally relate. I've been retrenched for quite a while now. The retrenchment came as a relief, because my work had been becoming stressful anyway. Prior to this, I've left a short-lived career that I liked but had trouble with due to the stress factor. I've considered returning to my old career, but figured it's impossible if I will encounter the same problems all over. On top of the problems attached to my retrenchment and a lifetime of family problems, it was enough to sink me into depression. Add to this, without any solutions to my panic attacks, I've avoided going out to my own detriment. I haven't felt confident to go out like I used to and am constantly worrying what if I have panic attacks in my new job.

I get panicky when I don't have enough sleep. I couldn't help but count hours and when I feel I haven't slept enough I feel I would collapse. The same goes for not having eaten...and being in the scorching heat. I don't have family support as well. I've tried confiding but all I get is "you have to help yourself" which as I've mentioned before is complete apathy to me. Expecto Patronum is correct. Some people do belong to the very unhelpful "pull yourself together" school of thought unfortunately.

A lot of people have been asking what I plan to do with my life. It's difficult to explain my fears without sounding crazy. The more it's more convenient to stay away from people who seem more interrogating than genuinely concerned.

I don't have a solid resume too, so I was planning on going back to school to. I just feel that it would could help me reintegrate back to society without the pressures and expectations of having a job.

[BCD]

Thanks for the replies.

I think I am putting pressure on myself with this career/education thing. I'm just so scared of never being able to get a career off the ground if I leave it much longer. BUT.....I don't want to make myself worse by having all the stress from college over assignments, presentations, etc.

If I leave it til next year who is to say I will be any better? I may even be worse! But, if I can't cope with 4 days a week at college how can I cope with 40+ hours a week in a job with all the expectations placed upon me?

I honestly have no idea what to do. My therapist says 'go for it', but it's not that simple is it?

Expecto Patronum- that Careership at the NT looks great! I had no idea it existed. I'd love to apply for it when it opens up again later this year.

[expecto patronum]

I'm really glad that you like the look of the Careership thing. I've been on a couple of NT working holidays and I loved them so much, and I thought the scheme looked so exciting I considered entering for it myself, but then I was honest with myself and realised that I need to go for what I know I'm best at (artsy stuff) - if only there were more apprenticeship schemes around. The National Trust are generally a very good employer; I have worked for them, and I put on my application form that I have history of anxiety and depression, it didn't seem to make any difference :yesyes:

Molly, have you read Claire Weekes? She describes perfectly the frustration of being told complacently "you have to help yourself". You are right, it is an excuse for having an apathetic attitude and getting away with not trying to help someone who needs help! Claire W. stresses that it 'may not depend entirely on you', that you probably will need help. There is also a good article on 'Anxiety Care' called "I know I have to do it myself but..." that describes well just how and why it's so overwhelming to set about trying to help yourself; when you realise you're not alone in feeling like that, it is easier to stop blaming yourself for all the years you have spent putting up with your anxiety.

[mollymahoney]

Thanks for sharing Claire Weekes. It's nice to read about someone so passionate about surviving panic attacks. Wish she had been alive to this day. We need more understanding yet proactive people.