mum2four
20-10-05, 03:49
There have been so may situation in my head and out that i feel like I'm walking talking thinking contradiction.
From a young age I use hate being ingnored but when I felt like i center of attenstion I would compleatly flip out. I would go balistic on the person or person's who made me feel bad or tryed to stop me from excaping the situation that made me feel not so good. I have alway used tapping and banging my head as way of stopping my head from thinking when i was at my worst. This never help my fear of being center of attenstion at all but as long as could keep tapping or bang my head i would scream or attack any one. If anyone stop me in any way from tapping or banging my head I would go balistic at them and I would even scare my self basicly then as soon as I sow my exit I would just run and hide if the perosn followed me i could calm down it would just make me worse.
I'm no where near as bad ad this these day's but i do suffer somewhat from the same issues just no where near as intence. The word no will still start the anxiety but these day's it's more because I dont want to that person again i dont understand what made me so angry at the world and i dont what to be that angry anymore. I think the only way to really understand my childhood is proberly to talk a phycologist but there's is still a part of me that feel's I dont want to know why i was so angry as child/teen. In my teen's I started to hurt my self by scratching and digging my nails in to my arm's and cutting my arm's and leg's. I still get the erg to to cut or hurt my self sometime's but since being the med's i'm on I had no real erg to to anything harmfull at all. I have not had any intence image's that i fear acting out. There is a lot of thing's in my head that i dont understand that I think i i need to understand in order to get over my anxiety issues.
I really fear being concidered insane with what has gone threw my head in life time. I know the difference between the sane and the insane is realy that the insane dont think thay are insane thay think everyone els is insane. Since being on this med I have really been wondering about OCD or maybe I just have OCPD what eva make me who i am I just feel it's more than anxiety I think the anxiety is symptom of my issue more then the issues it's self. What make a child so angry with life before thay've even live any real sort of a life.
This is a answer I dont just need for my self but I need it for my 6y old daughter. I can let her live the way i did for as long as i did. I need to give her better tool for her life before she hurt's her self the way i did. I have refused to let her push me away since she was a baby and she learnt to say i hate you at very young age before any of my other kid ever said it to me. I am a stong person which is a down fall to getting help for my kids I think. I make looking after chalenging kids look easy i think or I come across as the worst mum in world with my very active kid's and that's on a good day lol. On a good day my kids can come across as out of control to most people on a bad day it like live in a war zone. Since starting a schedule we have very fue bad day's over all which is like live in heaven even thoe I know I still have a long way to go with my kids and my self.
I talk about my kids cause I do find that my kids both make my anxiety worse in social setting while making me face my fear's at the same time. Yet another contradiction lol.
I'm a walking contradiction i can recall all the situation that have made me come to that conclusion but there are thousands lol. I do wonder if my contradiction are normal and or just my way of working threw the mess in my head. Is it just my head that feel's like a very unorganised filling cabbinate or dose every suffer from the same sort of mess and disorganisation and contradiction.
I hate money with passion I would sooner go live in the middle of nowhere with a self sastaining property than be force to get a better paying job to servive. I do want a job but with out tjhe prrsure of having to ea
From a young age I use hate being ingnored but when I felt like i center of attenstion I would compleatly flip out. I would go balistic on the person or person's who made me feel bad or tryed to stop me from excaping the situation that made me feel not so good. I have alway used tapping and banging my head as way of stopping my head from thinking when i was at my worst. This never help my fear of being center of attenstion at all but as long as could keep tapping or bang my head i would scream or attack any one. If anyone stop me in any way from tapping or banging my head I would go balistic at them and I would even scare my self basicly then as soon as I sow my exit I would just run and hide if the perosn followed me i could calm down it would just make me worse.
I'm no where near as bad ad this these day's but i do suffer somewhat from the same issues just no where near as intence. The word no will still start the anxiety but these day's it's more because I dont want to that person again i dont understand what made me so angry at the world and i dont what to be that angry anymore. I think the only way to really understand my childhood is proberly to talk a phycologist but there's is still a part of me that feel's I dont want to know why i was so angry as child/teen. In my teen's I started to hurt my self by scratching and digging my nails in to my arm's and cutting my arm's and leg's. I still get the erg to to cut or hurt my self sometime's but since being the med's i'm on I had no real erg to to anything harmfull at all. I have not had any intence image's that i fear acting out. There is a lot of thing's in my head that i dont understand that I think i i need to understand in order to get over my anxiety issues.
I really fear being concidered insane with what has gone threw my head in life time. I know the difference between the sane and the insane is realy that the insane dont think thay are insane thay think everyone els is insane. Since being on this med I have really been wondering about OCD or maybe I just have OCPD what eva make me who i am I just feel it's more than anxiety I think the anxiety is symptom of my issue more then the issues it's self. What make a child so angry with life before thay've even live any real sort of a life.
This is a answer I dont just need for my self but I need it for my 6y old daughter. I can let her live the way i did for as long as i did. I need to give her better tool for her life before she hurt's her self the way i did. I have refused to let her push me away since she was a baby and she learnt to say i hate you at very young age before any of my other kid ever said it to me. I am a stong person which is a down fall to getting help for my kids I think. I make looking after chalenging kids look easy i think or I come across as the worst mum in world with my very active kid's and that's on a good day lol. On a good day my kids can come across as out of control to most people on a bad day it like live in a war zone. Since starting a schedule we have very fue bad day's over all which is like live in heaven even thoe I know I still have a long way to go with my kids and my self.
I talk about my kids cause I do find that my kids both make my anxiety worse in social setting while making me face my fear's at the same time. Yet another contradiction lol.
I'm a walking contradiction i can recall all the situation that have made me come to that conclusion but there are thousands lol. I do wonder if my contradiction are normal and or just my way of working threw the mess in my head. Is it just my head that feel's like a very unorganised filling cabbinate or dose every suffer from the same sort of mess and disorganisation and contradiction.
I hate money with passion I would sooner go live in the middle of nowhere with a self sastaining property than be force to get a better paying job to servive. I do want a job but with out tjhe prrsure of having to ea