W.I.F.T.S.
21-10-05, 11:35
Hi,
I'm 29 and I've been suffering from generalised anxiety, panic, stress and depression for about three years. I was on Prozac for about 4 months at the start of my illness, but I had some really bad side-effects with it: a permanent headache, I was unable to sleep, one of my toes turned black, the skin on my hands began peeling, my nose felt tingly a lot, I had quite violent and aggressive compulsions (which I never acted upon, thankfully) and most scarily I felt surreal and detached from reality. At that time my weight went down to 11 stone too- which isn't good for a 6 foot tall lad!
I'd had a couple of bouts of depression in my teens (mainly because I longed for a girlfriend) and thought I knew how to handle it. But this episode was brewing for a long time. I was in a very messed up relationship where I was cheated on a lot and which robbed me of my confidence. I lost direction in my life after I changed career path because it wasn't working out. I was doing drugs. Most of my friends cut me off because of my behaviour. And I got in to a lot of financial trouble and, out of desperation, made a lot of bad mistakes that aggrieved even my closest family members and friends.
I've been in group therapy, had one on ones with counsellors, read the self-help books and taken up going to the gym. I'd got it into my head recently that all this stress had weakened my heart and that I was going to have a heart attack- those were some of the worst panic attacks, clutching my chest, sure I was going to die. They found that my cholesterol was very high (which can be related to stress, I believe) and that my thyroid was slow, which (aside from depression) would be one of the reasons why I always felt sluggish and tired and which explained why at one point my wieght shot up by four stone!!
On the whole I feel better today than I have done since I became ill. I still feel very tense and every twinge means I'm dying, but I don't really have the sort of panic attacks where I have to blow into a bag anymore- although I still get very agitated. I haven't been on a motorway in ages because I fear having a compulsion to crash into other cars. And it makes me very anxious going very far away from home. I get nervous on bridges too because of an urge to drive off it. Whenever we go away anywhere I always take the A roads.
I know that it's (in part atleast) a state of mind. I was really chuffed with myself going over Runcorn bridge recently- there was nothing to it. And at work I had the option of learning to drive a forklift truck. I could have ducked out of it, but I did it and I feel really proud of myself. Not so long ago we went to Llandudno and everyone wanted to go up the Great Orme (quite a big hill at the sea edge). I wasn't so keen and I was thinking of waiting for them. But I did it, telling myself "If these old ladies sitting opposite me can do it, I know I can do it". And reaching the top and seeing out to sea was the clearest, most lucid, most exhilarated I have felt since I became poorly.
I've asked myself what has kept me depressed all these years and if you think that depression=frustration then I have been frustrated that I have been working in a warehouse for three years, when I went to University to train in Media Production; I have been frustrated that I have been living in a quiet, rural town, when I really wanted to be in London; I have been frustrated that my creative ideas and talent haven't been fully realised;I have been frustrated that my life appears to have moved backwards rather than forwards and; I have been frustrated that people who I have always thought of as my friends showed me very little loyalty and understanding and that it has been so difficult to make new friends.
At the moment, I'm proactively trying to move my life forward and shape it to become something that I am happier with. I've taught myself basic web design and set up a site selling posters and prints (www.stylishprints.com), I'm trying to learn the guitar and I'm trying to encourage friends to join me in learning to play
I'm 29 and I've been suffering from generalised anxiety, panic, stress and depression for about three years. I was on Prozac for about 4 months at the start of my illness, but I had some really bad side-effects with it: a permanent headache, I was unable to sleep, one of my toes turned black, the skin on my hands began peeling, my nose felt tingly a lot, I had quite violent and aggressive compulsions (which I never acted upon, thankfully) and most scarily I felt surreal and detached from reality. At that time my weight went down to 11 stone too- which isn't good for a 6 foot tall lad!
I'd had a couple of bouts of depression in my teens (mainly because I longed for a girlfriend) and thought I knew how to handle it. But this episode was brewing for a long time. I was in a very messed up relationship where I was cheated on a lot and which robbed me of my confidence. I lost direction in my life after I changed career path because it wasn't working out. I was doing drugs. Most of my friends cut me off because of my behaviour. And I got in to a lot of financial trouble and, out of desperation, made a lot of bad mistakes that aggrieved even my closest family members and friends.
I've been in group therapy, had one on ones with counsellors, read the self-help books and taken up going to the gym. I'd got it into my head recently that all this stress had weakened my heart and that I was going to have a heart attack- those were some of the worst panic attacks, clutching my chest, sure I was going to die. They found that my cholesterol was very high (which can be related to stress, I believe) and that my thyroid was slow, which (aside from depression) would be one of the reasons why I always felt sluggish and tired and which explained why at one point my wieght shot up by four stone!!
On the whole I feel better today than I have done since I became ill. I still feel very tense and every twinge means I'm dying, but I don't really have the sort of panic attacks where I have to blow into a bag anymore- although I still get very agitated. I haven't been on a motorway in ages because I fear having a compulsion to crash into other cars. And it makes me very anxious going very far away from home. I get nervous on bridges too because of an urge to drive off it. Whenever we go away anywhere I always take the A roads.
I know that it's (in part atleast) a state of mind. I was really chuffed with myself going over Runcorn bridge recently- there was nothing to it. And at work I had the option of learning to drive a forklift truck. I could have ducked out of it, but I did it and I feel really proud of myself. Not so long ago we went to Llandudno and everyone wanted to go up the Great Orme (quite a big hill at the sea edge). I wasn't so keen and I was thinking of waiting for them. But I did it, telling myself "If these old ladies sitting opposite me can do it, I know I can do it". And reaching the top and seeing out to sea was the clearest, most lucid, most exhilarated I have felt since I became poorly.
I've asked myself what has kept me depressed all these years and if you think that depression=frustration then I have been frustrated that I have been working in a warehouse for three years, when I went to University to train in Media Production; I have been frustrated that I have been living in a quiet, rural town, when I really wanted to be in London; I have been frustrated that my creative ideas and talent haven't been fully realised;I have been frustrated that my life appears to have moved backwards rather than forwards and; I have been frustrated that people who I have always thought of as my friends showed me very little loyalty and understanding and that it has been so difficult to make new friends.
At the moment, I'm proactively trying to move my life forward and shape it to become something that I am happier with. I've taught myself basic web design and set up a site selling posters and prints (www.stylishprints.com), I'm trying to learn the guitar and I'm trying to encourage friends to join me in learning to play