View Full Version : Anorexia Crisis
Hi Karen
The lyrics of that song are stupendous aren't they!
I have been out most of today with my friend, a good friend that I have known for years rather than one of my newer neighbour/friends. She was really supportive but I was really disassociated, dizzy and anxious the whole time we were out until about 3pm when suddenly for no reason I could understand, I felt better and relaxed... thank goodness!
I think it might have been because I know she really cares and knows and loves mark and I wanted to cry on her - and in the end I did.... it didn't help straight away but perhaps it did later.
I am still having a lot of negative thoughts but I am pushing them away. I found it very difficult to eat today but I forced myself. My stomach feels horrible, all bloated - I think it's cos I was off Gluten for 2 months and been back on it for a few weeks. It really doesn't agree with me but I have to eat it until I go to the gastro to be tested for Coeliac's. I know it makes me feel worse but of course its all confused now with the shock of Sarah's news..
Hi Lisa as well - these two threads are a bit confusing - I haven't read the other one yet tonight! Hope you are ok and piglet too and alexis and everyone!
We're hanging in eh Karen? You've done so well, I know what it's like when you get migraines - it's harder than ever to eat but you are so determined to get better now!
The snow was so pretty but that was enough.... don't want to feel trapped indoors!
I've got a song I like that boosts me - it's Labi Sifre - "Something Inside So Strong" I love it - must go and google the words some time! Music really helps[8D]
Big Hug xxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Thanks Alexis and Fee. I find lyrics can be very inspirational at times.
Fee: Glad you were able to spend time with a good friend. I think you are right that being able to cry enabled a release of tension and this can have a calming effect. Although I often feel like crying I am not able to let go and hold it all inside instead. I think this is because of negative associations to what was said to me as a child whenever I cried.
I really identify with the bloated feeling. I wish I could get rid of that too but the only thing that prevents it for me is not to eat and obviously I can't do that without going backwards again.
Do you have an appointment for the tests?
Have Mark and Sarah arrived home yet?
Something Inside So Strong is another good song. Unfortunately, I often focus on songs with lyrics that cause me to feel even more emotional about K, which she tells me does me no good whatsoever [:I].
Hope you sleep well.
Karen x
Did manage to get out about 3.45 only to find all the shops shut at 4pm - so that was a quick shop!!!!
Is the migraine any better??
Fee - will be thinking of you all tomorrow and wish Sarah all good wishes. You have coped so well (even if it doesn't feel like it) over Xmas with this hanging over you - well done love.
Lisa - there was a massive thread about 30 pages long on it but I can't remember what page. Alot of them still going strong on Olive Oil and a couple now using Jojoba Oil.
I found it took my eyemake up off last night without stinging or making my eyes blurry which I had been very sceptical about. You have to use a hot flannel or a muslin cloth. I have been using Almond oil for quite a while on my nails and as a hair serum before I even saw the site. Also if you like more natural skin stuff then REN skincare and the Organic Pharmacy are good.
I know lots of folk on this site can't live without lip balm (some thread somewhere recently) so I want to try the shea butter for that, as my lips are really sore and chapped at the moment from the cold (cos I am gettin out and about you see lol).
Off to wash my hair now and think I will try and get to bed a little earlier too.
Night nite guys xxx
Hi Karen
Grrrr just lost a whole long post lol!
M&S are due in at 9.30 (latest online eta!)
Yes I have an appointment in Feb so having to stuff the gluten in beforehand or the tests are useless. I find if I eat loads of fruit and veg it keeps the bloating away but haven't eaten enough lately (bloody xmas!).
How's your head now? Do you take anything special? I had severe ones 2 years ago, several in a row and the doc gave me some mega-strong melts which I took (I could hardly move with the pain and nausea) even though I am terrified of all meds. They worked though! Now I take propaine at the slightest hint of one, which has codeine in - someone recommended them to me and they really seem to work (although other things with the same active ingredients don't - bit weird!).
Music is so important to me - I love all sorts from blues/rock to reggae and hip-hop. I don't let myself listen to depressing stuff very often anymore - I tend to put 1extra on and jump around![:I] I know I'm too old but it's very energising and uplifting to me - so who cares![8D]
Hi Piglet - thanks for that! And the olive oil tips too - I am gonna try it!!
ooooooh they'll be landing soon!!!
fee
xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Did manage to get out about 3.45 only to find all the shops shut at 4pm - so that was a quick shop!!!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
LOL Piglet! It is a Bank Holiday today so Sunday trading hours!
My migraine is a little better thank you.
I remember the thread about lip balm 'cause I am a lip balm addict too :D.
Hope you get your early night and sleep well.
Karen x
Hi all,
Karen, you're sounding much more positive tonight, well done. Hang in there and keep challenging those thoughts.
Hi Fee - I'm going to reply to you over on my post, so that I don't repeat myself twice or hijack Karen's post! Lol.
Piglet - I'm going to try the olive oil, I have muslin cloths. I do like natural ranges and have tried most of them but find alot of them don't work very well. Not heard of REN though so may check that out.
Still thinking of you Karen,
Lisa x
Hi Fee
That's so annoying when you lose a long post like that. I sometimes write my posts in Word and then copy and paste when writing a long one because it's happens to me too sometimes!
Hopefully Mark and Sarah are touching down around now.
February is a long time to wait for the tests.
My migraine is better than this morning thanks. I take Maxalt (Rizatriptan) tablets which are prescribed by my doctor. These do come in a melt on the tongue form too but I taking the medication that way made me sick due to the nausea from the migraine. I too used to spend 3 days lying in a dark room before being prescribed this medication. At least it enables me to still function to some extent.
I am not able to take anything with Codeine in it because I'm allergic to it.
Yes, I too should only listen to uplifting music really!
Karen x
Hiya Lisa
I am trying to post positively even though I don't feel entirely positive still. It helps to practise writing in a positive way - so I am reliably informed!
No need to worry about hijacking my topic!
How are you tonight?
BTW Piglet - Well done for getting out, even if the shops were about to close!
Karen x
Hi again guys,
I know Karen what am I like - I must have been the only person not to know about the shops, I did think it was funny the way everyone was coming away from the town (but that's the way I like it)!!!
Fee -I just wanted to mention something else too. On this funny beauty forum two of the main advocates of the olive oil and jojoba actually have their own sites selling fair trade stuff. On this one www.purely-natural.co.uk the lady (Leonnie I think) mentioned she had made some soap up for her daughter who was going through chemotherapy at the time as she didn't want her daughter to have to bother with dry skin problems at that time. It made me wonder if Sarah would like some treat skin products that were all natural to pamper herself with while she is going through her treatment.
I am not sure exactly what products the lady does but I am like scientist Lisa and moving more and more to natural skin stuff. The other lady's site is called www.akuawood.co.uk also called sheabutter cottage which looked quite good too.
Also worth a look see is a site called www.beautyexpert.co.uk which also gives customer views on certain products.
Just a thought as sometimes funny little things help to keep the spirits up.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
I'm doing ok tonight thanks. I'm starting to get tired, so am going to try and get to bed earlier tonight (neighbours permitting) as I have work tomorrow. I always find it harder to sleep when I know I have to get up early and therefore really need the sleep, at weekends I just have a lie in and catch up that way. I've been having some weird dreams lately too. Lol
Yes I believe writing in a positive way helps too, but we all have times where we feel anything but positive. Like you though I am trying to be more positive :D
Piglet - I will check out the latest beauty links too so thanks. There is a fantastic organic farm shop fairly near me and they do some lovely organic and natural skin products, the only trouble is alot of them are highly scented and many scents set off my asthma and allergies. Olive oil and sheabutter bases sound promising though. I have been through most skin care brands from expensive to the cheaper ones and haven't found anything I'm that really happy with. Even some of the so called natural ones have suspect chemicals in them [}:)].
Sleep well all, I'm off to try the olive oil and then bed.
Love Lisa x
Hi Karen,
How are you today, how's the head? I hope you slept well, it seems you were up late again! Lol. I hope you feel better today.
I'm having a bad day, that will teach me to say how good things were yesterday!
Bye for now,
Lisa x
P.S Piglet - I tried the olive oil, as soon as I put it on my face my face went all red and flushed, it that meant to happen? Lol. It did remove my make up though, although I may stick with my usual cleanser.
Lol Lisa no hun I don't think so.
I am going to give it a week to see what I think as it is a bit messy!!!
I have just bought lots of lovely things and sensibly priced from this site www.survana.co.uk
Karen I hope you are feeling better now and will be on later.
Fee how is it going??
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Lol Lisa no hun I don't think so.
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Lol I thought not. Maybe I am ill today with olive oil poisoning Lol. Maybe I will turn into a salad or something. Hee Hee. I may feel ill but still have my humour! :)
I will look at the survana site (only the link doesn't work for me, tried looking it up but that website says unavailable), you're a right beauty guru aren't you! Did you buy so much they have had to close and restock! Lol.
Love Lisa x
www.suvarna.co.uk
Try that - my spelling may have been a bit off lol:D
Love Pig xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
OK thanks. All I got from looking up survana was a weird looking german band! Lol. They didn't look like they were advertising beauty products!
Have just had a quick look at that link and I like what I'm seeing. natural products that are not full of evil chemicals, even unscented items at sensible prices. Have you tried this brand before Piglet?
I have tried many natural things that don't work but these look good as based on natural oils.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa and Piglet.
Sorry you're not feeling so good today. Must be something in the air as I'm having a bad day too.
Think I've messed up completely and ruined everything now. I am so very stupid at times.
I didn't sleep well. Kept having some very weird dreams and waking. Now I am not feeling too well today and have just been lying in bed most of the day. I am up now and have just had a bath but it doesn't seem worth it really. I feel like giving up and heading back to bed, not that doing that gets me very far I guess.
Am really struggling with anorexic thoughts today and haven't managed to eat anything yet. Now I'm letting everyone down :(. It just feels everything is getting out of control.
Are you feeling any better now Lisa?
Karen x
Shame we havent got a massive big bed we can all curl up in while we have our wobbles like in the song 'and the little one said roll over, la la'
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen
I just did my long post on lisa (salad face)'s thread!
Honey I'm so sorry you're feeling rubbish today. It's not surprising, it's been a long old slog and there's more to go but we are going to get through it and you are going to find that bit in you that knows what to do cos it's so strong.
Why on earth do you think you've messed any thing up by have a cr*p day? And you will never do anything that makes me feel let down - you are an amazing person!
It's been a tough day for all of us hasn't it - in different ways.
I was going to try the olive oil thing but Lisa you have put me right off. I already look like a pizza. Hey - pizza and salad - we'd look cool together!
I'm having trouble eating too today - my friend made me go for lunch after the hospital but I just could not eat. I poked it about, chewed a bit of lettuce and cucumber and chain smoked. Very healthy. NOT.
So tonight I'm going to eat all that fruit I cooked! I will put a potato in and see if I can eat that. My appetite was so much better when I was off gluten. And I didn't have this bloated feeling. I know it's anxiety mainly but I really think the gluten made a difference too. If I turn out not to have Coeliac's I'm definitely coming off it again anyway - I just won't HAVE to.
Karen honey hang in there xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Never used this brand before Lisa and I'll let you know what I think when it all comes.
Karen has the migraine eased at all now and if so have you been able to eat anything??
I think you and Lisa are going to have to have a joint thread 'Chatting' it makes me laugh us all wandering from one to the other:D:D:D
Hug guys
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Fee and Piglet
Fee - I just read your post on Lisa's thread. You've done so well today hon even though you've not been feeling brilliant. I think you are coping amazingly well and there is an inner strength in you, even if you are not able to recognise it.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Why on earth do you think you've messed any thing up by have a cr*p day?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It's not so much because I feel bad today, it is the way I reacted that makes me feel so terrible about myself. I should be able to resist acting on the thoughts that I know come from my eating disorder.
Right now I hate myself because I binged and then took stupid action to try to make up for it. This is why I have let people down.
I am not coping with the weight gain or fat and right now I am so close to going back to starving myself again in order to lose weight. I know no one wants me to do that and I feel I am failing because K and all of you have been telling me how well I have been coping.
I don't thinik I am coping really. Yes, I have been eating regularly, but I don't feel good about it and I am getting increasingly distressed about the physical changes I am noticing.
Right now I am on the edge of panic about it. I want to clear the flat of all food so there is no temptation to eat. I want to starve myself. I want to go out and buy laxatives and get hold of diet pills so that I can starve myself and get rid of this repulsive fat. I deserve to punish myself.
I need K so much today too and it is hard to stop myself writing to her to beg for her help.
So far I have resisted most of these actions, apart from the fact that I've hardly eaten today - all I have had is a small apple. I don't want to let anyone down by going back to the self-abuse I was indulging in a while ago but it is so hard. I need help today. I don't think I can hold on much longer.
Piglet: I still have a migraine which doesn't help. I just want to sleep properly but part of that involved thoughts of being able to avoid eating if I am asleep.
OMG I hate this anorexia at times. I hate the person it makes me. I know I need to resist. I want to do the 'right thing' and eat sensibly. I am just scared of losing control again and I am panicking at the thought of eating anything.
Sorry.
Karen x
Hi Karen, just stopped by to see how things were, sorry you are not coping as well, but please dont give in, catch you later.xxxx
love from Alexisxx
If I help one person today it was worth getting up.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I hate the person it makes me.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You know, that anorexia or no anorexia, you are such a lovely person. Please remember that and think of everyone here who is for you.
Its been really good to see you back so much more positively lately. But then, when any of us make progress, we always have blips and that is what this really is. So there is no need to clear out your cupboards or buy any pills as K will soon be back reinforcing her message so you can continue.
Hoping that you'll soon become 'unblipped' :D
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're feeling so bad today, you're not letting anyone down honest. Things are not getting out of control again, it's just a bad day and we all get them. Just hang in there, I know you have the strength in you.
Piglet - the big bed idea sounds good, we could all have a pampering party! Mmm but I just remembered about your pringle habit, we'd be forever finding them in the bed half licked! Lol.
Hang in there everyone, we can all overcome our individual issues (ooh where did that positive thought spring from).
Love salad face x
Thank you Alexis.
Hi Ray
Thanks for your reply.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">So there is no need to clear out your cupboards or buy any pills as K will soon be back reinforcing her message so you can continue.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I know K wouldn't want me to do either of those things and this is keeping me holding on. I haven't acted on either of these thoughts so far and I am trying to resist.
Just really wish I could be with K right now but then I feel so disgusted with myself that I doubt she would want to be with me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Think we just posted at the same time there Karen! I just posted before your last post. Lol
karen love please don't apologise - and hate the anorexia and how it affects you - it does NOT change you - you are still the same person struggling to deal with a horrible condition - and having a bad day after lots of days of doing so well.
I understand that this is the hardest part, allowing a little weight to go on. I understand that the anorexia makes you believe that by putting on weight you are losing control. But you and I know that the anorexia is wrong and there is a bit of you that knows you have to go through this feeling to get properly better. That feeling will keep returning until you can convince yourself it's not true. When people are ill they often have to take treatments that are unpleasant, and for you that is going through this feeling and putting up with it - if you know what i mean. I know that you understand this, I have seen it in what you have written and I can imagine how hard it is for you to have finally got to the stage where you are eating regularly and then boom! xmas.... NYE. It's so so hard but you have come so far and you don't want to go back,I know you don't - and it's at least in part FOR YOU now - I can hear that in your posts.
You are acknowledging and talking about this so so honestly that I truly believe you are cracking it - even if you do feel absolutely wretched today. It's viscious, anorexia, but don't let it catch you out over this poxy holiday... Get to New Year's Day, still eating, still talking, still surviving and from then on it really might start getting better.
Try and visualise the spring - that's what I'm doing!
And WELL DONE for eating anything at all today - and don't give yourself a hard time for bingeing or purging or whatever you've been doing - you ARE still coping - it's just really really really tough.
Hang in there sweetie... loads and loads of love,
fee
xx
Hi Karen,
Today is just a stinky day - don't clear the cupboards you will feel different tomorrow. Each day is a new day isn't it:)
Big hugs
Love Piglet xx
What would I do without you all? Thank you so much. I do despise myself for bingeing, and even feel bad about eating regularly, whereas starving myself gives me a good feeling. It is so hard to change when I actually feel worse now, emotionally at least, than I did when I was at my most ill due to low weight. No matter what bad and stupid things I do, you are all still here for me and that means so much. Thank you.
Lisa: It seems we were posting at the same time before! Today is a very bad day and I feel I am getting dragged in a direction I don't want to go. I want to pull back the other way and it is so hard to go against my instincts which want me to stop eating and to lose this weight so I can be happier again.
Fee:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I understand that this is the hardest part, allowing a little weight to go on. I understand that the anorexia makes you believe that by putting on weight you are losing control. But you and I know that the anorexia is wrong and there is a bit of you that knows you have to go through this feeling to get properly better. That feeling will keep returning until you can convince yourself it's not true. When people are ill they often have to take treatments that are unpleasant, and for you that is going through this feeling and putting up with it - if you know what i mean. I know that you understand this, I have seen it in what you have written and I can imagine how hard it is for you to have finally got to the stage where you are eating regularly and then boom! xmas.... NYE. It's so so hard but you have come so far and you don't want to go back,I know you don't</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You are right that this is so hard, even though I know recovery does involve eating and gaining some weight. Atm I feel it is out of control and it is all happening too quickly, but this is my fault. I don't know what I am doing anymore. When I restricted and had only a couple of 'safe' foods I knew where I was. I had a very rigid eating plan and stuck to it no matter what. I desperately want that back. I want to feel in control. I can't handle all this uncertainty and feel I am snowballing out of control.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">and don't give yourself a hard time for bingeing or purging or whatever you've been doing</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Bingeing and purging and hating myself for it. I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
I need to be honest about it because it's all I've got left. K told me that this is one part of 'me' that Edie (anorexia) hasn't been able to take over and this is important because it demonstrates that I can take back control from Edie. I can't say I have always been honest with everyone about my anorexic behaviours and I've tried to hide things, but I have always been honest with K and now I do my best to be open and honest with everyone about what I am doing, even though it is hard because I am so ashamed.
Piglet: I have so far avoided clearing the cupboards - or at least I did clear them in a state of panic but calmed down enough to recognise this was stupid and put the food back - it was only in carrier bags ready to take down to the communal bins.
I just want to be in control again. I wish I could be with K and actually dreamt today that she phoned me. I was so distressed when I realised it was only a dream.
Karen x
hi Karen - well done you're hanging in. You ARE still in control. Please do NOT feel disgusted with yourself just think how many times you have resisted the urge and pat yourself on the back for that. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in this battle.....
Would it help to plan to stick to your restricted diet for 24 hours minimum or until the New Year? To give you a feeling of control again for a while? I'm assuming that includes basic nourishment? Cos that's so important if you are going to feel ok.... well you know all that I know.
You're on a boat at sea being tossed about but you have got a hold on the rudder (sorry it just came into my head - I remember feeling like that!). Hold it tight for dear life and steer yourself through this rough sea. We're all in the sea in our own boats too! (oh crikey I'm lapsing - now you know where Mark gets his pretensions of poetic grandeur from lol!!).
I'm reluctant to say too much in case I say the wrong things, not knowing you for very long, but I really feel your strength is there, honestly I really do - you are going to get through this. Make a plan which gives you some control over the next few days, what you will eat, who you will see. Make a new CD. Force yourself if you possibly possibly can to do any of the things you have been doing over the last few weeks.
We are here for you and you can say as much or as little here, whatever helps.
WELL DONE for putting the food back in the cupboards [8D] Your're a fighter!
LOVE AND HUGS XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
fee
xx
Hi Fee
Thank you again. What you say is very sensible and I wish I could think so clearly about all of this.
Unfortunately, when I do something like this, I do feel disgusted and repulsed by my actions because I am so out of control. I already feel so fat so why binge? And why when I have been eating regularly? None of it makes any sense to me.
Restricting again would help me feel more in control, but when I was sticking to safe foods this didn't include basic nutrition. All I would eat were low fat crackers and raspberries - and I can't even get hold of rasperries now. I survived most of the summer on this diet, having gradually cut out the other foods I had been eating. For most of this year I have only eaten certain fruits, crackers, bread and yoghurts, but cut most of these out too.
The trouble is I did feel in control when I was eating such a restricted diet. I kept my calorie intake to around 300 calories most days, sometimes less and the less I ate, the better I felt.
I think maybe I do need to make a food plan with exactly what I will eat for the next few days and to ease off from pushing myself so much. The trouble is I want to restrict to the safe foods, which was just mean crackers and that is a step backwards.
Not sure what I am doing anymore and I think I need some help with this. I really thought regular eating would put an end to the urge to binge. I feel devasted tonight. I don't know what to do anymore.
Karen x
hi sweetie
Eating anything and keeping it is better just for a short period - I think making a plan is a brilliant idea, eg just crackers tonight (you've had a migraine - I only can eat crackers when I have a migraine - that's NORMAL!!!!:D). Maybe the migraine has made you feel like this altogether? Then a plan based on a shortened version of how you built up last time? Will any other fruit do as a substitute for raspberries? You could allow yourself to do that for 24 hours till you feel back on track - which you WILL. And you will - because you want to... you really do!
None of it makes sense to you because it is a disorder - if it made sense to you you wouldn't have it ;) It's an internal battle.... But you are winning it because you know it's wrong - I bet once you didn't?
You understand what's going on on one level - it's the strength with which it's hit you you can't accept - but you have to rise to it and use every trick in the book on yourself - and you could probably write the book!
One day you are going to be helping other people deal with this - I just know you are - think what you would tell them and apply it to yourself! Nurse yourself and care for yourself like you would someone else...
If you eat a couple of crackers tonight (and a little more fruit if you can)then give yourself a massive pat on the back and hope you get some sleep and the migraine goes. And plan what you think you can eat tomorrow....
Winning karen...definitely winning! Today is nearly over, one more of this poxy holiday under your belt!!!
HUGSXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
48 hours of
fee
xx
Hi Fee
Wish I could blame this on my migraine but I know that would be an excuse and in reality my migraine has nothing to do with it.
I don't think I can eat anything else tonight. I've had an apple and a slice a toast with marmite. I doubt my body really needs more food today after what I stuffed this morning and all eating is doing is upsetting my stomach - which is my fault again due to the laxatives [xx(]
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Then a plan based on a shortened version of how you built up last time? Will any other fruit do as a substitute for raspberries? You could allow yourself to do that for 24 hours till you feel back on track</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes maybe I could try that. It is hard to really recall how I built up before. I know I have to try and I think maybe slow down as I have gone from eating hardly anything to what feels to me like I am eating a mountain of food each day. It is difficult to keep this going when the issues underlying my anorexia still remain unresolved.
I have been eating satsumas, apples and bananas. I suppose I am most comfortable with satsumas because they contain the fewest calories
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">None of it makes sense to you because it is a disorder - if it made sense to you you wouldn't have it ;) It's an internal battle.... But you are winning it because you know it's wrong - I bet once you didn't?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Very true. When I developed anorexia I didn't realise what was going on. Then I knew I was deliberately starving myself but was in denial, at first to myself and everyone else. Gradually I started talking about it to K and a couple of people. Now I am open about it and recognise my anorexic thoughts and behaviours. I'm just not that good at stopping myself acting on them.
If one day I can help others with this then at least that would be something positive to come out of this. I hope so.
Although I have been taking steps towards recovery, I am still doing it for other people, K for instance. I still am not able to do it for myself.
Thanks for your very thoughtful reply.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Yes we are still here for you, like you are for us, it works both ways.
I can't add much more than what Fee has said, she makes alot of sense. I liked the boat analagy, I thought I must have an old rowing boat with a hole in it! Lol. One day though we will all sail on calm waters in luxury yaughts. She has me at it now! Lol.
Ahem, anyway I will add that you are still doing well, you have eaten some toast and fruit and put that food back in your cupboards, well done. After the day you've had I would call that a success.
Anyway I hope tomorrow is a better day for you (for us all) and that you sleep better tonight.
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Yes some very good analogies! I don't think it is true that your boat has a hole in it although that's the way I feel about my boat today too!
I still feel very tired even though I didn't get up until lunchtime so I hope I can sleep tonight.
K is not here now so I am really not sure tomorrow will be any better. I need her so much right now.
Karen x
Hi Nigel
Thanks for your reply. I think we were posting at the same time earlier.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You know, when I read things like that it makes me think of one person in particular. All that talk of control and restrictions and regimes. Does it remind you of the way that somebody else tries to organise his (and everybody else’s) lives? I don’t thinks it’s proved very effective in the long run, and I don’t think it’s really brought him happiness. In my opinion being a little more flexible and accepting a little bit more uncertainty can lead to a much happier and stress-free life.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I do see what you mean and who you are talking about. Tolerating uncertainty is very difficult though and something I find impossible. Retaining control of my life through controlling food does help me feel better. It is the uncertainty that makes me want to find a way to find something I can control.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Our boats aren't sinking, just struggling against the tide at times ;)
I hope you do sleep better, maybe go to bed a little earlier and see if you can sleep.
I was reading your reply to Nigel, living with uncertainty is one of the hardest things for me too, in fact for most of us I imagine but we all have to live with it as none of us ever really know into the future. I had many discussions with my CBT lady about this subject. In my case it was about health, I'd say I just need to be certain that I am 100% ok and she made me see that I can never have that amount of certainty which can be scary to realise and accept.
K will be back soon, I know it's hard for you without her.
Take care, I'm off to [|)] very soon.
Lisa x
I am off to bed too petal - big hug for now (had a vision of you putting all the stuff back in the cupboard which made me smile - well done)!!!
Nitey night.
Love Piglet xx
Lets all hope for calmer waters tomorrow for our individual boats :)
Thanks Lisa and Piglet. I will try to sleep earlier tonight. I wish I could spend more time asleep to avoid dealing with any of this.
I was looking at eating disorder information tonight and found a list of 'Thin Commandments'. These are the kinds of rules I have the need to adhere to:
1. Being thin is more important than being healthy.
2. If you aren't thin you aren't attractive.
3. You must take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself look thinner.
4. Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
5. Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards.
6. Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7. What the scale says is the most important thing.
8. Losing weight is good/gaining weight is bad.
9. You can never be too thin.
10. Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.
I find it so hard to believe that these rules are not true.
Karen x
Hi karen
I fell asleep on the sofa tonight!
Where on earth did you find that list?! Why don't you now write a list that you know IS true....
starting with....
1. Being healthy is more important than being thin
2. Being attractive has nothing to do with being thin
etc etc..... Just for the practice of it. Writing that list down must have reinforced it a bit I reckon! Oh karen what a cruel disorder anorexia is.... what a dreadful task master. You KNOW none of that is true I know you do.... It's just that you feel it will give you some control - but it doesn't it gives the anorexia control....
You are stronger than it is - be angry with it - it's lying to you....
Would you say those things to someone else - NO!!! Only to yourself I bet!
Did you make a plan of what to eat and do tomorrow? Try and focus on what you're going to do to take care of yourself over the next few days. Uncertainty is awful for anyone with any anxiety so try and impose a little order for a while...
I do so hope your head is better and you get some rest tonight. I am exhausted and have to go to work tomorrow and Mark and Sarah are hoping to come. I feel quite overwhelmed with exhaustion at the idea of doing both and my tummy is all out of sorts too...
But I will try and catch up with you if I can... I hope I'm going to sleep but I'm not sure.
Sleep well hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Hi Fee
That list came from a site with information about eating disorders. It wasn't promoting the information as being true but as being rules that people suffering from anorexia believe they need to comply with.
The trouble is even though I am trying to do what will lead to health and help me recover, I still see health as meaning getting fat. I just can't help it.
I still believe I need to follow most of these rules in order to find love, happiness, perfection, purity and to retain control. It is so hard to act in a way which leads me away from these things that I want so much.
You are right that I wouldn't say these things to someone else but I still need to follow them myself.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Did you make a plan of what to eat and do tomorrow? Try and focus on what you're going to do to take care of yourself over the next few days. Uncertainty is awful for anyone with any anxiety so try and impose a little order for a while...</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well I made a plan of a few things to do tomorrow, including trying to sort out the problems with my PC by clearing the hard drive and reloading the OS and software, doing some housework and maybe to wash and dry my hair if I've got enough energy.
As to what to eat... I am a bit lost on what to do now really. I am scared of bingeing again and want to starve myself. But I know I need to eat. I don't know what to do.
I hope you sleep well. It is not surprising that you are so tired and feeling run down generally with everything that is happening at present. It will be good if Mark and Sarah can make it tomorrow. Will be thinking of you.
Karen x
Hi Nigel
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know this suggestions is going to backfire and go horribly wrong on me, but can you honestly write out a true and valid and logical reasons to support each of those rules?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 28 December 2005 : 23:47:56</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It is probably not a good idea to challenge me to do this because I could come up with reasons to follow these Rules.
Being valid is a personal thing and even though no one might agree with my reasons, they would be true and logical to me. Do you really want me to go on? I am not sure it is a good exercise in that it will help reinforce to me the reasons why I already believe in following the Rules and encourage me to go back to acting in ways that enable me to keep to the Rules.
At present I feel so bad because I have been eating and gaining weight, thereby breaking the Rules I desperately need to adhere to.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">So what about writing out at least one reason why the opposite of each of those rules is in fact beneficial. Doesn’t matter about actually believing them for now, but just make them logical and plausible reasons.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
One reason for ignoring all of those rules is because K would want me to. Apart from that I don't think I am up to challenging them right now.
I don't know what I'll eat tomorrow yet. All the 'bad' foods have gone now because I no longer trust myself. I realise I should aim for maintenance but then my head feels really screwed up tonight. I don't want to think about food at all. I am fed up of obsessing about it. I wish food could be like other obsessions so that I could avoid it completely and not have to eat.
Now I've gained weight I truly hate myself. I can't stand being trapped in this gross, fat, repulsive body. I just can't take it anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen,
How are you feeling today?
* I realise I should aim for maintenance * Excellent. You have on to this thought.
Tammy x
Hi Karen, just wondered how you were today, see you have a few things planned, hope you manage to succeed with them.xxx
love from Alexisxx
If I help one person today it was worth getting up.
Good morning,
How are you feeling this morning??
You know very well that those rules (I know you didn't think them up originally) are a load of nonsense, these are mine for you
1. I am eating to become strong.
2. Being very thin is nor more healthy than being very fat - I must strive to be in the middle somewhere.
3. I care about my body and will look after it because I am a smashing person who everyone cares about.
4. It is fine to follow a maintaining regime during bumpy times.
5. I am getting better all the time.
I could write a list of rules for my paticular problems of panic attacks, stress and agoraphobia and if they follow the lines of your list you would say "Piglet mate, don't think we'll get far with those"!! Which is why I have my many boxes of affirmation cards to keep reading.:)
Thank you for writing them down as it does help us see what you are up against.
Big hug:)
Piglet xx
Hi Karen
How you doing today? Hope things aren't too rough for you this morning. Did you start on your hard drive?
I guessed the list had come from a source like that but I thought typing it out might have been negative reinforcement for you and literally going through the motions of typing something else can help. For me that would mean (and I'm doing this because I really really need to....) positive reinforcements like:
I do not have to be perfect to be loveable
I do not have to be strong all the time, people will still like me
It is ok to cry in front of people
I do not have to do everything better, quicker and more effeciently than anyone else in order to get approval
I am allowed to make mistakes without being a complete failure
I am no unluckier than anyone else so good things can happen to me
Other people can understand the desperation I sometimes feel and will not judge me
I can feel well and healthy without something terrible happening to me.
..and so on (I am going to work on this).
I am trying to believe the things I have written but it's a terrible struggle.
Writing it down reinforces it.
I am at work and Mark is on his way down (on his own, Sarah wanted to do some stuff and she thought Mark should spend a little time with me alone).
I am thinking of you today Karen - I hope you have managed to sleep and get through today a little better.
loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Hi Karen,
Hope you're feeling a bit better today, thinking of you. Did you sleep better last night?
Fee - Hope you're ok today. I have put my long post on my thread today lol. I did ask if M & S were coming, I'm glad Mark is coming, it will be good for you to see him.
Well done for making it in to work.
Lisa x
Fee - what a brilliant list , I could identify with all of them:D
karen hun how's it going today???
love Pig xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi all
Thank you for the messages of support. It really means such a lot to me to receive such encouragement, even when I do screw up.
Tammy: Yes I do realise maintenance is what would be best to aim for. It is so difficult to actually do this in practice.
Alexis: Thanks for your good wishes. I have managed some of my planned activities today.
Lisa: I slept a bit better thanks, although I didn't go to bed particularly early again and I still have this migraine.
Piglet: Your rules make sense but then anorexia isn't rational and the thoughts that swamp me are not rational, as I can recognise a lot of the time.
It is good that you have affirmations that help enocourage you with your progress. How are you feeling today?
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Thank you for writing them down as it does help us see what you are up against.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
These thoughts are in my head 24 hours a day and it is only with the help and support I am receiving that has enabled me to start ignoring them some of the time. I still get overwhelmed and give in at times though and it is my perfectionist streak I guess that causes me to beat myself up so much for 'failing'.
Fee: I hope you are having a good time with Mark. It is a shame that Sarah hasn't come down too but you will have some quality time with Mark.
You are right that writing the list out wasn't a very sensible thing to do and doing something like that reinforces the 'wrong' messages I am constantly sending myself.
Well done on putting down your list of positive reinforcements. What you've written sounds realistic and helpful to me. I guess I should have a go at writing a more positive list, but that's much more of a challenge than writing the negative stuff.
I have been keeping myself quite busy so far and only logged on to the Internet once this morning to check for K. Then I installed XP on my PC and removed Windows ME. This seems to be working OK. I haven't yet reinstalled all the other software like Office, the printer and CD rewriter etc. I need to get to CDs for Office from Jac as I lent them to her a while ago.
Then I went out to the supermarket and stocked up again but this time just with fruit, eggs, some sliced turkey and milk. I think I need to stick to foods I have been reasonably ok with for a while and stop pushing myself so much.
I am thinking more rationally again today but still feel awful for what I did yesterday. I know it is in the past and I should leave it there and move on but it's not that easy. I feel so ashamed and bad about myself.
It still affects my mental and emotional state so much when I binge. At least restricting helps me feel better about myself, even if it isn't good for my health.
So today I am taking it easy and am trying to eat small amounts to avoid the temptation to binge or to starve myself again.
Thank you all so much. There are not enough words to express how grateful I am for the fantastic support I receive here. Don't know what I would do without you.
Love
Karen xx
PS I emailed the clinic again to see if I can arrange an appointment, as I believe the lady I need to contact is back today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hiya Karen,its good youve done so many positive things today, I too am messing about with my computer, it takes so long to load up (about 15 mins) not sure why so Im deleting some old things. Ive defragmented it too, it seems when one part works the other doesnt lol, but at least I have internet back.
Have an easy day and eat what you fancy, let us know about the clinic, take care.xxx
love from Alexisxx
If I help one person today it was worth getting up.
Hi Alexis
Computers are good when they work and a pain when they don't. I'm hoping starting again and reloading everything will cure the problems with mine. If not I'll have to get it looked at.
I agree internet is the most important bit!
Karen x
Every day is like a fresh start :D
It doesn't matter how many days you think you 'messed' up on, the next day brings the opportunity to make things different and begin again.
Love Pig :D:D:D
Thanks Piglet. If only I could forgive myself but I can't.
Someone has been ringing my mobile at intervals all day and the number is withheld so I haven't answered. I am now getting worried that it might be Dad up to his old tricks again. Why now? I thought I was finally getting some peace from him.
It might not be him of course but then whoever it is has rung at least 6 or 7 times so surely if they are that desperate to get in touch with me they would leave a message?
Karen x
Hiya Karen, you dont think it could be the clinic do you, places like that often withold numbers, the only thing is they would of probably recorded a message like you said, just a thought.xx
love from Alexisxx
If I help one person today it was worth getting up.
Hi Alexis
They don't have my number I don't think. I didn't give it to them at least.
I think they would leave a message or email because that's how I have been in contact with them in the past.
The pattern of calls is getting more like Dad's pattern. I just don't understand what's started him off again, except I sent my brother a text a couple of days ago. But even then... it doesn't make sense.
I could do without this. I've put my mobile on silent now because it's really getting to me.
Karen x
No Karen if you didnt give it to them they wont then, best way is put it on silent, do something and ignore it, they will soon get fed up.
Hoping you can find something to distract you a bit.xxxx
love from Alexisxx
If I help one person today it was worth getting up.
You've done the best thing, put it on silent and try to ignore it.
You have done many positive things today Karen, as Piglet said each day is a fresh start and you have started again so well.
Try and keep yourself busy and I think you are very wise to stick to foods that are easier for now.
Tammy x
Yes just keep the phone on silent for now.
Karen you have nothing to forgive yourself for - you haven't done anything which needs forgiving hun.
Love Pig xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you Alexis, Tammy and Piglet.
Whenever I check my mobile there are more missed calls and always from a withheld number. I don't want to believe it is Dad again but I cannot think of anyone else who would do this kind of thing.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Karen you have nothing to forgive yourself for - you haven't done anything which needs forgiving hun.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 29 December 2005 : 16:23:03</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I still believe I have done something bad and am still finding it hard to come to terms with my actions yesterday.
I have tried to keep busy today but now just feel tired and wish all of this would just go away. I guess we all feel like that though. I really really want K. I know I sound like a broken record [:I]
Karen x
Oh and I forgot to say. It definitely wasn't the clinic as I had an email this afternoon.
They asked me to email or ring to arrange an informal look around. The lady's email sounded friendly. So I have sent a reply to see if this can be arranged for next week.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I was going to reply earlier but the forum was running so slow again that I had to give up.
I'm glad you slept better last night. Try not to beat yourself up about yesterday, it's done and in the past now and you sound more positive again today. You did well to go shopping for food today. Hope it wasn't too snowy still.
Well done on contacting the clinic and trying to arrange a look round next week, all good progress.
Still thinking of you,
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa.
It's still very snowy here and there is more heavy snow forecast for tomorrow.
I am trying to sound positive even though I don't feel it. I'm still struggling to come to terms with my actions yesterday.
Wish whoever it is would stop ringing my mobile. If it is Dad I don't know why he is doing it. If this carries on I am beginning to think I'll need to get a new mobile number too.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Glad you have heard from the clinic and that you are still sounding so positive about it. An informal visit sounds like a great idea. You will have to let us know when you are going.
Tammy x
Yes I will Tammy.
I'm not really positive, just very scared.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Yesterday was yesterday mate, let it go [OK]
A big well done on making a move to visit the clinic - this is a very positive action - proactive :D
Lisa I gave up earlier too as the site was so slow.
Had a much better day today - think I did need some chill out time to gather my wits. Just had a little walk to post some letters with my youngest child and I have just realised how not at any point did I feel panicky - the thoughts just didn't arise. This is definately progression from the summer months, as just being out of the house even in the dark still made me feel trembly!!!
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Well done Piglet. It's great that you can recognise how far you've come and the progress you are making.
I can't stop feeling bad because I am so fat now. No wonder K doesn't want me anywhere near her.
Karen x
Hi mate,
You know perfectly well there is no correlation between your size and K being in touch.
You are not fat (nearly wrote fart there Karen and that's not at all a Piglet type word) you would have to put many stones on to be fat.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
Piglet is right, absolutely no correlation at all between your weight and K contacting you.
I understand the clinic being scary to you, but you are still doing something about it and that takes courage.
Has the mobile stopped ringing now?
Piglet - Well done on getting out to post the letters, that's great, you have made so much progress now. Well done. I'm glad you're feeling better today.
Lisa x
Hi Karen and everyone
Gosh the site is slow isn't it - it's so frustrating - and I am so tired after going to work, going shopping and then meeting Mark and mum's, cooking some lunch, then back here.... Mark bought me a DVD player (I'm finally in the 21st Centure lol!) AND a CD/DAB for the car (I do love music in the car.... I'll have to wait for the Tom Tom - at least I can have music while Im lost lol!)
It's so good to hear your positive 'voice' karen - you have done amazingly well to get yourself back on track especially with the phone stuff going on.... Definitely get your no. changed so it can't happen again, that's a horrible feeling, even if it is on silent. I don't know the background with your dad but anyone that is not a positive source of support for you is not needed right now!!!
It's fantastic that you've managed to eat a bit today and that you've been focusing on sorting your hard drive out....
And you have made contact with the clinic! What a day! I'm so glad the email sounded friendly... I know it's really scary but..... is it a little bit exciting that you are moving forward? I hope you can see some positive in this progress?
I wish I could stop your phone ringing for you but thank goodness you can put it on silent and you don't have to answer it... at least you can see if someone you want to speak to calls.
Is there any time scale on the clinic?
I am so exhausted tonight I'm blurry eyed and a bit trembly. It was so so lovely to see Mark and hug him. He is doing so well and we had a long talk about positive affirmations and how important it is to keep batting away negativity. He really believes that Sarah's positivity is doing her physical good. I have to guard myself against negative thoughts and words in relation to them. Sometimes it is good to offload fears and negativity and this is a good place to do it, but I hope to spend some time reinforcing that positive list I started earlier when I have the time and energy lol! [|)] It is hard work, but I do think it works to at least a certain extent and certainly can't do any harm. I would love it if you could take one of those thngs off that list and reverse it out in writing..... even if you don't believe it I think just writing it can be good for you?
I really hope your head is better tomorrow and you sleep better. Well done for sticking with the eating today - have you made a plan for tomorrow?
I'm gonna try and get to bed so I can cope with working tomorrow - so big hugs to everyone tonight from me and will speak tomorrow.
Nite nite xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Hi Fee,
Just a quick message (yes I can do them lol) to say I'm glad it went well with Mark today, I bet you hugged him so tight. It's good to hear he is coping so well and that Sarah is so positive, I do believe it helps to be positive too but sometimes find it hard to be positive myself being a natural pessamist and all. No wonder you're tired, you did well to get through today, have a good [|)].
Hope you have a good [|)] tonight too Karen. By the way Karen I changed my mobile number a few years ago and it was really easy and cost me about £10 I think, may depend what network you're with though.
Night all,
Lisa x
Hi Piglet, Lisa and Fee.
Piglet - I know you are right about K. Her friendship with me is not dependent on my size or the way I look but I still can't help believing the anorexic thought which tell me this is the case.
Fee - Sounds like you have had a really busy and good day. It must've been so good to see Mark and to be able to hug him and have a good talk. Seems you got some good pressies too! I have a Tom Tom now (my present to myself lol!) but my CD player in the car is rather temperamental!
Dad has done this before with the phone calls and before I moved I had a spell of almost a week where he kept coming round and banging on my door and ringing the bell late at night. I decided I couldn't cope with anymore and haven't had contact with him since. I haven't told him my new address (though he can easily find this) or given him my home phone number, so I am almost sure it is him ringing my mobile. He routinely withholds his number.
I just don't need the harassment again. He has bullied and controlled me all my life and I had just felt like I had broken free but now it is all starting again.
The clinic situation is still terrifying but at the same time I know I have to get on and do it. I have to admit I am going there mainly for K, because I know she wants me to get well and, like a few other people, has worked hard to secure this opportunity for me.
I wish I could be excited about it but I suppose the anorexic voice is still most dominant in my head. I still want to lose weight, even though I am doing my best to eat better and regularly so I maintain.
Don't know what the time scale is with the clinic. All I know at the moment is that I am arranging to go for an informal look around and then I think there is some kind of assessment after that. I have asked if I can visit next week so I suppose I'll find out more then.
You are doing so well Fee and your list of positive affirmations is so good and realistic too. I think you are right about a time and place to offload and this is a good place to do that. It sounds like you and Mark are very close and supportive of each other. It is probably true about Sarah's positive attitude helping her too.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I would love it if you could take one of those thngs off that list and reverse it out in writing..... even if you don't believe it I think just writing it can be good for you?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I’ll give it a go, maybe tomorrow. I really must try to get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. I keep saying I will, only to end up sitting at the computer for half of the night! Maybe my migraine will be a bit better tomorrow and with more sleep too.
Hope you have a restful night.
Lisa – Thanks for that. I would just need a new sim card to change my number I think. I’m with Virgin mobile. It is annoying because I can remember this number and would have to transfer all my numbers over but if the phone calls continue I won’t have any choice.
As for plans for tomorrow, I’m not sure yet but I still have some setting up of the PC to do and I might go into town if we don’t get the snow that’s forecast.
Karen x
Karen,
I didn't need a new sim card, I just phoned them up and said I was getting nuisance calls and they changed my number, not sure how but all I had to do was turn the phone off for a few hours and they did something there end and I turned it back on and the new number was active.
Anyway really must go to bed now,
Take care,
Lisa x
Ok thanks Lisa.
It's probably easier to get a new sim because then I don't need to ring or speak to anyone [:I] And it's only £10 I think with call credit.
Hope you sleep well.
Karen x
Sorry Karen, I forgot that you find it hard calling people, I should have remembered that. Oops. That's fair enough, you could try emailing them maybe or as you say just get a new sim.
Anyway take care and I really really am going now before I sit here half the night too! Lol. I'd love to go to bed at 10pm as I'm usually tired then but neighbours are never quiet that early, or rarely anyway. Of course by the time they are quiet I wake up again!
Sleep well too,
Lisa x
Morning Karen,
Could phoning the phone people be a practice for your phone skillsl - or are you easier with people you know on the phone??
Filthy day here - rain, rain and some more rain!!
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Morning Lisa, Piglet and Fee. How are we all today?
I actually went to bed before 2am this morning and slept until 6 so that's a bit better sleep than I've been getting. Have tummy pains this morning though which is what actually woke me. At least my migraine is a little better.
Yes Piglet, I guess ringing the phone people would be practise but I am better with people I know. I'll see what happens today and if the calls continue. I think it is probably easier to simply get a new sim card if it continues because I'm on PAYG anyway.
How are you today.
Karen x
Oh and Piglet, it is grey, miserable and raining here too. Where is the snow we were supposed to get?!?
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I'm glad to hear that you slept better and that the migraine is a little better today. How's the tummy now?
It's grey and raining here too, there was a bitterly cold wind blowing across the fields when I went to work this morning.
I was on PAYG when I changed my number over the phone too, it just depends what you feel happy doing, lets hope the calls stop and you can just keep the number you have.
What are you up to today Karen, still sorting out the PC?
Take care, bye for now,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
I still have tummy ache but it's a little better now. I have been tidying up and have vacuumed and cleaned the bathroom thoroughly.
Have just washed my hair and need to dry and straighten it next.
I've had two calls this morning so I've left my mobile on silent.
Karen x
Hi Karen & Lisa
ooo what a grey day lol!
I'm having one of those days when everything goes wrong. I have written to long posts which got eaten by the ether. Do you think someone's trying to tell me something? lol!
I'm at work and coping at the moment. Was very impressed by your short posts lisa - how did you learn to do that?!!!
Apart from that, am I imagining things, or are we all a smidgen better today? I am not so tired anyway.
Can't chat on cos my manager is hovering (there really is a conspiracy against my long posts!) but will check in again later.
Loads of love to everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Hi Fee
Definitely seems to be a conspiracy against long posts today! I lost one too earlier and didn't feel like typing it all out again.
Glad work is going ok and you are a little better today.
I'm not sure I am feeling much better really. I am still panicking about the weight I've gained and want desperately to lose weight. I can't believe I have let things get this far.
Nigel - the snow has gone from here. We now just have a really grey, miserable, rainy day.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi all,
Karen - Glad the tum is getting better, sounds like you've had a productive morning and been busy.
Fee - Glad you're coping at work today. I didn't learn to do short posts I was just too tired to write a longer one! Lol.
Can't say I'm a smidgen better today I'm afraid, if you get time to read my post today you'll see I'm worse than yesterday in some ways. Sorry to let the side down but my positive side seems to be hiding today.
Love Lisa x
Lisa you are not letting the side down!
I wouldn't say I am doing that brilliantly today either. I am struggling with the anorexic thoughts and haven't been able to eat. Keeping busy takes my mind off the fact that I am hungry because I don't want to eat. I need to lose weight. I can't believe I have let myself get so fat.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're struggling today too. You are not fat at all, you are probably still underweight. It was only a few weeks ago you said that even though you had gained weight your gp said it wasn't much and she was still concerned by this. You can't have gained a huge amount just by eating regularly in that short time. You are making yourself stronger and healthier by eating regularly though. It's the anorexic thoughts making you think you are fat so try and keep challenging them. I know this must be so hard, I have the same battle in my head regarding my health issues. It's like I say one thing and this other voice says another and then I don't know what to think/believe..
Try and eat something today, even if it is a small amount of a safe food as you need to have something.
Hang in there, I'm thinking of you.
Lisa x
OMG I have gained so much weight. I need to starve. I need to get rid of this fat. This is too much to take.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't cope with this. I can't live like this. Everything has gone wrong.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
No everything is ok Karen - this is just a bump in the road, we knew there would be some.
You are not fat and the sensible voice deep down inside knows this really.
Lots of us are wobbling a bit at the moment and you are no different.
We are all here to support each other, sending you a rather large hug (((K)))).
Love Pig xxx
Thanks Piglet. Hug much appreciated.
It doesn't change the fact that I AM fat thought. I just keep stuffing myself with food and I have gained so much weight.
I need to get rid of this fat and lose the weight. I need to be able to stop eating. I'm so distressed I am in danger of resorting to desperate measures again.
Karen x
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen ,
It is utterly and totally physically impossible to go from your desperately fragile and extremely emaciated state to being anything like how you are describing how you are seeing yourself change into during this short amount of time.
You are visually interpreting a totally warped view of your weight and physical state and reinforcing to yourself and trying to convince us of this warped view too. This is classic anorexia patterns.
Maybe you could spend some time looking at the facts from various alternative view points, thinking about what K and Jll would say and trying to recall and maybe even implement the more realistic opinions.
It is for times like this that we hope that your time at the clinic will be able to help you learn more viable coping mechanisms as nothing any of us say is going to help you today until you calm down and regain some composure and create yourself some space.
Your automatic negative reactions are so definate and over accentuated that currently it gives you very little room to react differently in emotional times.Again, anorexic patterns
We all know that you have been doing so very much better in a day to day scenario for several weeks now and you are to be very highly congratulated for this and a few blips and emotional upsets along the way are to be expected.
I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to slow down your progress a bit and maintain where you are for a week or so, just as we would recommend to anyone who was having an anxiety blip to plateau due to running before they were walking comfortably.
This is not a huge distaster at all- it has not all gone wrong, that is another totally catastrophising comment. Lots of things are going very right in fact and you are pointing in the right direction but just lost the vision of why you are progressing for a moment.
Maybe try to settle yourself a bit tonight, tidy up the kitchen and rescue anything necessary if you have done your traditional sweeping everything into the bin thing
New Year is a hard time for most ill people, a time of reflection, a time of disappointment, a time for a bit of self pity to kick in, a time for some lonliness. Yet it is also a great time for hope and looking forward to another year and for optimism of better times ahead and encouragement and motivation to see over obstacles and see through challenges.
Please join us now to look to those times and together and united we will help each other to move forward.
Love
Meg xx
Hi Meg
Thank you for your reply. I realise I am reacting emotionally and possibly my view of myself is warped but compared to how I was a few short weeks ago, I am now huge. I haven't been this weight in months and I am finding it so very difficult to deal with this.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It is utterly and totally physically impossible to go from your desperately fragile and extremely emaciated state to being anything like how you are describing how you are seeing yourself change into during this short amount of time.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I have gained a LOT of weight and in a very short space of time. The scales don't lie so how is that possible? I am not making this up or seeing an unrealistic picture of myself where this is concerned.
In fact, I have been trying to think what K would say and I know she would tell me that I weight has nothing to do with who I am and it is part of my illness but very untrue to link weight to identitu.
She would also tell me that I am gripped in Edie's clasp again and also that this is Edie's last ditched attempt to defeat me and drag me down because I have been fighting back against her. Her last message said that my recent conflict is a good sign that I am gaining my freedom from Edie and starting to recover.
So why do I feel so much worse?
I do very much appreciate you taking time to help me try to calm down. I know I am in a state and possibly not thinking entirely rationally, which is why I do need some help and support to bring me back down to earth again. I've been feeling so distressed for a few days now and it has been building to this crisis. I knew I would have to face the scales and some point and couldn't resist looking any longer. But the result was even worse than I had be imagining.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to slow down your progress a bit and maintain where you are for a week or so, just as we would recommend to anyone who was having an anxiety blip to plateau due to running before they were walking comfortably.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Can I lose some weight again? I am so far above the level where I can ever feel comfortable that it is unbelievable. I can't see my doctor next week while I am like this. I feel so ashamed of how I have let things slide. I truly believe I am now very fat.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Maybe try to settle yourself a bit tonight, tidy up the kitchen and rescue anything necessary if you have done your traditional sweeping everything into the bin thing</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Umm yes I have done that and to a greater extent that normal. It isn't possible to rescue anything because it is now in the communal dustbins too.
I have been trying really hard to focus on why I have been eating regularly and trying to get better, and to believe that this will lead to better times in the future. I am just finding it really hard to believe that this is true right now because I feel like I have now sabotaged myself by gaining weight and thrown away the last year of working towards my ultimate goals.
However, I want to believe what you say and to feel like this is a part of getting better. I just wish I didn't feel so totally distraught or hate myself so mu
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're having such a bad day, big hugs for you. I can't add much to what Piglet or Meg said but try and take their comments on board, there's alot of good advice there. I know it's so hard for you to battle what's going on in your head but you can and you have before.
Thinking of you Karen, we're all here for you.
Take care,
Lisa x
Hiya Karen,
Even if you are feeling really naff at the moment, its really great that in your latest reply you indicate your understanding of why you feel the way you do. This is really good to hear this amongst all the bad stuff.
If only you could stop worrying about the size of your physical self and look at the size of your big heart :):):)
In reality, I know that will take a while, but knowing that you are so deserving will help you get through this.
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thank you Lisa and Ray.
If only understanding could be enough to change the way I feel.
I know that my physical appearance isn't really what should be important, and in fact it isn't even to do with weight but more to do with what this symobilises. Controlling weight and my size is the way I attempt to meet my needs.
Now I am perhaps a but calmer but now feel that nothing I do will make a difference and I am going to continue tripping myself up.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen
I know exactly how you feel. I feel a bit the same, that I will never get anywhere - as soon as I start to improve i fall into the same pit.... My rational brain is telling me i feel this bad because it's been xmas and all the other stuff that has been going on for me but another part is saying "why can't I cope" - like you I feel in the grip of the irrational part of my brain which stops worrying about the scary things (like the possibility of Sarah dying) and creates these physical manifestations of the fear..
Like you I understand it all but still get gripped in it. I know you know that your weight is not the issue really. And I know that I can't really have cancer of the cheek and DVT in my leg. Rationally, we know it but that's so so so not how it feels.
I'm so glad we have been in touch because somehow it helps me see the pattern we have both been in and it will pass, we will get through this patch.
I'm finding it so hard to focus on what I'm writing but it helps me to stop pacing and palpitating - which is exhausting! I am going to take a sleeping tablet shortly which will get me through the night hopefully and I know, tomorrow I will be a little better than this.
It's been such a long haul getting through the xmas and now New Year but we are both going to get back on track... I'm positive we will... I have been down this hole so many times before and I always come back up again.
It's a terrifying time for you with the clinic coming up and NYE to get through but can we metaphorically hold hands maybe?!
I really believe that you might get the extra help you need from the clinic, you have struggled so long and hard - hang in there. The beauty of this site is it's a two-way thing, we support each other.
I hope you sleep tonight hun xxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Hi Fee
Thanks for that very heartfelt message. It seems we are both caught in the same trap at present. Ever since I developed anorexia I have never worried about how ill it has made me and even when I was at my lowest weight and K and others warned me I could die I still could not focus on this aspect. All I have been able to think about is how many calories I was consuming each day.
At one time I fasted completely for 5 days and most others I was eating 250 calories at most. Even though I know rationally how bad this was for my health, I still want to get back there again.
I can't help feeling that I have gone full circle to where I was before the anorexia and need to get back to restricting to help me cope with life. It was the distress of depression and a broken attachment that led me here in the first place.
I know what you mean about it being hard to focus on writing and twice today I said the wrong thing to people on my other forum. I decided I am not in the best frame of mind to be trying to help or support others when I am like this.
However, I am glad that us being in touch has helped you recognise the behaviour patterns and we certainly can metaphorically hold hands!
Like you, I have been in this hole many time and somehow do come through. Sometimes it feels like the earth is giving way under my feet though and I can't keep hold of anything.
I hope you get some rest and sleep with the sleeping pill. I want to sleep but my mind is racing. Think I will go to bed and watch a DVD or something for a while.
Lets hope tomorrow is better for both of us - it is New Year's Eve though [Sigh...]
Karen xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Controlling weight and my size is the way I attempt to meet my needs.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I do understand that is the way you are meeting these, but why not write down your list of 'top' needs as Karen sees them (not Edie's) and then write down rationally how you can achieve them.
With your weight and tiredness, it is relatively easy to have a life on the PC, but I'm sure that in your heart of hearts you wish for something more one day, just as so many of us do with our different issues.
I do feel Edie's voice getting weaker and weaker to give you the mental strength to beat this and be able to be strong enough to enjoy life more with the people you value so much.
Maybe you could make a list (in private if you like) of what you would really wish to do, so you can focus your mind on these in a rational way.
I'm sure you'll receive professional guidance on focusing along the line, but maybe its something to ponder about for now.
Sleep Tight,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Ray
Thanks for your message
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I do understand that is the way you are meeting these, but why not write down your list of 'top' needs as Karen sees them (not Edie's) and then write down rationally how you can achieve them.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
My needs are not different with or without Edie but anorexia has been my way of trying to meet these needs. I don't know how else to meet them and so that makes the temptation to follow Edie much strongers.
She would not be in my life at all if I had been able to find a different way of dealing with the emotional traumas I've experienced or been desperately searching for a way to meet needs that have never been met in my so far.
Thanks for the suggestions. I have hardly had any sleep and am struggling with the same thoughts and still feel distressed this morning.
Today is going to be such a long day and I just want to blot it ouy completely. Sometimes I wish I actually do like alcohol [Sigh...]
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Well how is the day going so far???
Love Pig xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Umm terrible again I'm afraid [Sigh...]
I sat up watching videos last night and watched the Karen Carpenter Story again. I am tempted to trawl pro-ana sites for inspiration to starve myself again. I feel overwhelmed by these feelings still.
Am disgusted with myself that I am obsessing about food and am terrified of bingeing. I wish someone could lock me in my flat with no food so I can't give in.
I am so ashamed of myself.
Karen x
Don't be ashamed - you are struggling and thats to be expected here and there.
Try and watch cheerful things and not things to do with anorexia - you need your mind off, not on, those kinda things.
Could you get out for a walk do you think??
You need to break your mood today with something. I would deffo reccommed getting out even if just for 10 mins.
Love Pig xx
Hi Piglet
I know you are right about distracting myself and getting out for a bit but I daren't leave the flat [xx(]. I won't go into details. It was a struggle to get out of bed and move into the lounge when all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep.
Plus I don't want the temptation of going out and being near any shops. I am so out of control that I know I'll binge again and that's what I really hate about myself. I want the other 'me' back - the one who could restrict and be in control.
I feel so bad I actually want to be with someone, even if it means being in the clinic because I know I won't binge with other people about. I do this in secret and as I am alone all the time it makes it harder to control. I would be too ashamed to eat at all when with other people [:I] I wish I had someone with me so I wouldn't have to fight this here on my own. I really want K :(
She has just told me to calm down and that I am riding an emotional peak right now. I can't calm down all the time I am in danger of giving in a bingeing again. I hate this. I hate myself.
I'm sorry. I have tried to pull myself out of this hole but I just can't do it.
Karen x
:(:( Don't know what to do with myself today. I feel like giving up because I can't do this anymore. There is an overwhelming sadness and despair and I don't know what to do.
Have been watching TV and a couple of ads came on about abandoned animals and I just felt like crying, thinking how terrible I am because of the situation with my cats. I keep picturing them stuck at the rehoming centre and being scared and feeling abandoned.
I'm out of control and can't get a grip on this at all now. I need to do anything to stop eating. I want diet pills. I need to make myself ill or do anything that will work.
Why can't I be with K? She could help me :(:(:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
The End of the World
Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me anymore?
Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love
I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything is the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does!
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine crying?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye
Don't they know It's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're still feeling so bad. To be honest I've been sat here trying to think what to say to you. I don't want to say anything that makes you feel worse but I don't know what to say to help either. I feel concerned for you when you are like this and I want to help. You do so much to help me yet I just don't know how I can help you, I wish I did. I don't think anything I can say will make much difference to be honest but I am still here to show my support and show you I care.
Please stop watching things like Karen Carpenter and definitely keep off the pro-ana sites this is not helpful in any way. You would tell me off if I started googling my symptoms wouldn't you.
Karen you have been here before and come through it, you can again. What did you do last time to get through it? Can you do the same again?
Please try and eat something so that you don't slip back too far, and there is no need for diet pills etc. None of that is helpful, your anorexic thoughts are overtaking you right now but they are not true in any way, Edie as always is lying to you.
Hang in there, next week things will be back to a more normal routine and that may help too.
By the way I sometimes get upset seeing the abandoned animals on tv, but Karen your cats will be fine. You did not abandon them you had to part with them due to your circumstances. They will be loved and cared for at the rescue centre and found lovely new homes, they may already have lovely new homes. I know how hard it is though.
Sorry I can't help more Karen, big hugs to you.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thank you for your message. I realise it is difficult to know what to say and I appreciate the thought that has gone into your reply.
I realise doing things like surfing pro-ana sites and watching stuff about anorexia doesn't help me improve but I am just so desperate not to get dragged the other way I am not in this much despair or distress when restricting, it is eating and being tempted to binge that leaves me so distraught.
The problem is that I don't know how to get out of this because I've not been in this situation with my illness before. I was on the straight and narrow of restricting and starving myself. I haven't been affected by regular bingeing before and I hate it, which makes me detest myself.
It is now that being alone is making this so hard. I wish I wasn't alone so I wouldn't binge. I need to punish myself for what I am doing. I can't take this anymore.
Sorry.
Karen x
Just to add that I want to do normal and healthy eating but it seems an impossible task. It's all or nothing, so I really wish it could be the nothing again.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just to add that I want to do normal and healthy eating but it seems an impossible task.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 31 December 2005 : 13:46:31</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hi Karen,
I know you want to do normal eating, no one would choose to be feeling how you are. This is an illness, not your fault at all and you have nothing to be sorry for.
Has K given you any advice on how to cope at the moment regarding the eating and how you're feeling regarding eating? Maybe you could discuss it with your doctor next week? I don't want to push you as you may feel uncomfortable with this, it's just a suggestion.
I think the way you are feeling shows that the clinic may be able to really help you deal with all this, you have been doing so well but this isn't just about eating, you need to get to the route of the problem and get help with dealing with the underlying emotional issues and hopefully that's where they can help.
Still thinking of you, bye for now,
Lisa x
Karen if I feel low I moniter what I am watching or listening to, as I can get very easily affected like that.
I put on more upbeat music and I only watch lighthearted sort of stuff on TV until it passes. This can be for periods at a time sometimes. I don't think I suffer too much from really low moods, it does seem anxiety is more my problem but that's not to say I am not going to give myself every chance.
You don't know what the next year is going to bring you - this year it has bought me lots of new friends from a completely unexpected source.:D
I was stuck in a lot between Jan and April last year and although I have some good friends they are all out at work and the kids are all at school/college/work so I felt very marooned. Its been a real boost being on here and having mates to chat to.
Trac is hopin to visit me very soon and in the Spring we are hoping you will do the same.
I know it's not the same as being right there but it is still valuable having these new friends around isn't it.
We gather our friends from some of the strangest circumstances during our lives and it does go to make up the whole tapestry of life thing (copied that bit from Meg lol). You are now part of that friendship group and a very valuable part of it.
If I were to wish anything for you in the future it would be for you to see how much you have to offer all around you and how much you are liked.
I don't know how your opinion of yourself has been created but we are all here to see that that changes in the future as it is so inaccurate and I want you to see that.
Big piglet squeeze and I am a big girl so watch out[}:)]
Love Piglet xx
oh piglet what a lovely post - that's just what I want to say too. I have been so blown away by the kindness and intelligence of the people on this site, it has made such a difference even though I have hit another bad patch too.
karen you are so loved here and it is a wonderful tapestry that I hope I am part of too xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Absolutely Fee - although its not been long since you joined the site it feels like you've always been here :D
Love Pig xx
Thanks Guys. I don't know what I would do without you. Posting on here and talking to my friends is keeping me going today, as I would feel so alone here otherwise.
Nigel - I don't have any instrumental music! I'm not actually listening to music atm and have the TV on as I need to hear something other than the silence of my flat. I've been watching some old comedies from the 70s and now Dukes of Hazzard is on! I remember watching that on Saturday evenings as a child.
The song stuck in my mind from watching the film about Karen Carpenter last night, as it was played at the beginning and end when they showed the scenes of her death.
Lisa - K has been in touch this morning and advised me to avoid thinking about all of this and what to do about it but just to concentrate on calming down from the emotional state I'm in presently. She is just trying to encourage me to keep going until I get to the clinic I think.
I cancelled the appointment with my doctor, well I rearranged it, as I can't handle having to get on the scales again when this is partly what started the current crisis.
Now is the first time I have been able to think that I want to go to the clinic because at least it will stop me bingeing. I think if I could be absolutely certain about the contact issue, I'd be trying to get there as soon as possible. I can cope with the restricting part of anorexia, but not this binge cycle.
Piglet – I am trying to watch some more lighthearted TV this afternoon, but I’m not really watching it. It’s just on in the background.
I was beginning to feel more hopeful about the start of a new year and how different things might be in a year’s time but now I just feel like it is going to be worse than this year and I am going to feel more depressed than ever. The hope has been drowned out by the despair.
I really would like to arrange a visit to meet with you and Trac perhaps in the spring.
Thanks for the very kind things you’ve said about me. I do know my negative image of myself has built up over my lifetime with many negative comments and put downs from my parents particularly. It is hard to shake this off when every day of my life I was made to feel like such a bad person, so bad my mum doesn’t want anything to do with and dad tells me he wishes I hadn’t been born and tells me I was a mistake.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Big piglet squeeze and I am a big girl so watch out[}:)]</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">LOL Piglet! You’ve made me smile for the first time in days. Thank you.
Love
Karen xx
Of course you are Fee and thank you so much.
Karen xx
Oh flippin eck! I have just written you a long reply and it said timeout error lol.
OK... the general gist of it was this:
Karen,
*I was beginning to feel more hopeful about the start of a new year and how different things might be in a year’s time* YES... please try and think about this again. It is hard with the sadness you are feeling today but just think, no-one knows what a new year will bring.
I have to say I am most impressed that you wrote me such a lovely message on my post earlier when you are feeling so down. I read it and though 'ahh bless her, how lovely' lol. So you just stay around here and other (useful) forums and keep chatting and distracted to get you through the day. We certainly appreciate it.
Tammy x
Hi Tammy
The timeout error keeps happening to me today too so I'm writing any long posts in Word then copy and paste!
I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to reply. Maybe I will start to feel more hopeful again once this holiday period is over and things get back to normal .
But it doesn't help that every other ad on TV and article in magazines (plus a lot of TV programmes next week) are focusing on diets and losing weight at a time when I am struggling with the knowledge of how much weight I have gained.
Have been on here virtually all day.
Karen x
I had a timeout one last night on here, so I went and had a Baileys instead!
I don't think there is any reason to feel negatively about next year at all - quite the reverse!!
Your basing this on the way you've been feeling just the last few days but we are all able to see that you are making great strides recently despite this blip.
I think the clinic thing is an extra bonus - so I just see positve things for you.
You knew you were going to feel pants because you don't like New Year but we get this out of the way shortly and normal service can be resumed.
You hang on in there hun doing the best you can and this blip will pass.:)
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thanks Piglet.
I don't like New Year it's true but this has gone way beyond the way I feel about this usually.
I'm not going to feel better until I've lost this weight. I've now got a 'Stop Binge Eating' hynosis download and need to keep listening to this. I have to try everything I can do to break this pattern - at least this is not one of my self-abusive ways of trying to achieve this.
I suppose K will think the positive result of my current distress is that I actually want to go to the clinic now just so that I stop bingeing. I won't do it with other people around.
But then there is still the question of contact with K to resolve, plus the question of whether I am actually ill enough to need to stay there now anyway.
Karen x
What sort of things does the binge eating cd say??
Love Pig xx
Hi Karen,
Just sending you another (((Hug))) and saying I'm still thinking of you.
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
Piglet - Well, K didn't think this is a particularly helpful thing for me to do, I suppose because I am still swinging between restricting and bingeing.
However, the download talks about healthy eating and listening to the body's natural messages of when to stop. It also talks about breaking the patterns of bingeing which is helpful because I can notice the pattern and the way my thoughts go about this, but I don't seem able to stop myself.
I am feeling very sick and yuk tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Just feel like sending you some positive vibes, although I don't know how effective mine are!
You are painting 2006 using the brush you've been given in the last few days and you know the bristles on that are complete pants!
I've heard the clinic have some silky smooth brushes [8D]
My belief in you has not wavered and I am still seeing you on that course this time next year.
Be Strong,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thank you Ray. All positive vibes gratefully received.
I hope it is true that I can turn things around again even though right now it all feels so out of my control.
The only tiny positive thing about this current situation and my distress of the last few days is that I am so disgusted and repulsed by myself when bingeing that I actually want some help from the clinic.
Even though I still want to be with K really, at the same time I am so ashamed of myself being like this that I don't want her to see me as I am at the moment. I want to lose weight against first.
Being alone is making all of this so much worse with now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Good post Ray - you have a lovely way with words, I went all woozy and daydreamy like I used to at Jackanory:D I was just the same in that kids art programme 'vision on' when they did the childrens paintings in the gallery to that sort of glonkenspeel/pyschadelic music. Which incidentally can be heard again on the kids programme 'Sm'art' - if anyone knows what this piece of music is called I would love to know, it relaxes me instantly :)
Karen I think the cd sounds good is it relaxing as well as helpful.
I don't think K would like you to lose weight at all, wouldn't that worry her??
Hold on mate better thoughts are on their way :D
love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
I'm feeling so bad again tonight. It's like I am determined to make myself worse. I've binged again and now feel so sick and repulsed at my actions.
I had a new food plan but now have just been on another panic-stricken emptying of food in the bin again. I can't breath because I am so fat and have eaten so much. I need to get rid of it. I want to throw up and get rid of it.
Need laxatives again and have been searching for other kinds of pills to help me lose weight. This is so out of control. I hate myself.
K must think I am so revolting and disgusting. I hate myself. I don't want to live like this anymore.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're struggling, I am right now too so sorry if I don't make much sense (if I ever do Lol).
Firstly you are not revolting and K will not think this. K does not judge you I am sure. Sorry you've binged but that is probably the result of starving yourself, the body starts to crave food so badly it has the opposite effect. It's the same for anyone on a strict diet and why they don't really work. Try and accept that it is done now, it won't harm you and you certainly don't need laxatives/pills etc. Please don't take any pills Karen, it's not necessary and K wouldn't want you to either would she?
I know you don't want to live like this but hang in there and things can get better. Next week will be more back to normal and you can visit the clinic and get things rolling there. You have come so far, just a bit longer until things hopefully start to happen and improve again for you.
You are one of the strongest people I have known and if anyone can do this it is you.
What's your new food plan? What does it involve?
Take care, still thinking of you.
Lisa x
I agree with Lisa - that's why if its at all possible during bumpy bits that you try to keep maintaining rather than yoyoing.
Your poor old tum doesnt know what to do for the best.
Try and lay down until you feel a little better.
Big hug.
Love pig xx
Thank you guys. I think I am going to lie down for a while as I've made myself feel ill.
Piglet - I know my tummy doesn't know what has happened. I don't want to yo-yo but I don't feel I am in control anymore. Edie has taken over and is firmly in control when I binge.
Lisa - You make perfect sense and thank you because I know you are struggling tonight too.
I know K doesn't judge me because she is a very caring and kind person and genuinely does care about me. But I still feel digusted with myself and cannot bear her knowing how terrible my actions are. I have always been open and honest with her though and so can't hide it from her.
I feel anything but strong right now but thanks for the faith you have in me. I just don't know what's happening anymore.
Sorry, I've taken laxatives but I don't have any other pills although I have been googling for some but so far not ordered them.
My new diet just consists of apples and satsumas. I want to lose some of this weight I have gained and get back to a point when I feel a bit more in control and able to cope better. Maybe I pushed myself too far too fast and it has got out of control.
Thank you both so much. I don't think being alone tonight helped really.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
You're welcome. Being alone is always hard especially when we feel so bad. Hope the lie down helps and that you sleep, I'm off to do the same in a minute I think.
Please stop the googling, pills are not the answer honestly, you don't need them.
Apples and satsumas are good, all fruit is healthy but it's not alot to eat on it's own. Are you able to also add some protein to this plan for instance and/or some dairy products, yoghurt etc? Just try and take small amounts of foods you feel happy with for now and maintain rather than starve or binge. You've probably been asked this before but do you also have a vitamin tablet daily?
Anyway I'm off now, if I don't speak to you again tonight I hope to catch up with you tomorrow. I really hope you feel better soon.
Night night,
Lisa x
Thanks again Lisa. I have stopped Googling and am off for a lie down now.
Yes I know my planned diet excludes diary and protein but I was so much better before I reintroduced these items into my diet. I don't think it will harm me for a short time after months of exclusion prior to this.
I do take a multivitamin and also vitamin C but that's all.
Night Lisa. Speak to you in 2006.
Karen x
Just poppin by to say Happy New Year mate:D
Love Piglet xxx
Thank you Pigel and Nigel
Wishing you both a Happy and Peaceful New Year too.
Nigel - I wish I could share your optimism about this being a new start. My first resolution is to stop bingeing and keep to my new planned diet so I can lose this weight.
There is so much in magazines and on TV about dieting and losing weight right now so that can be my motivation too.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
Wishing like everyone else that you see 2006 as the year where you can get much better.
It is all in place now for you to get intensive focussed treatment for your issues.
The last few days have been hard for a variety of reasons but now everything starts getting back to normality and you can settle.
The fruit thing needs some protein added please as Lisa has already said.. you could do 2 turkey slices couldn't you ..
There is no need for diet pills this time as this blip is going to coming to an end as everything gets back to normal.
Meg x
Morning Karen,
How are you today? I hope you got some sleep.
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Good morning,
I have only just got up[:I]
Just wanted to say hello :D
Love Pig xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Guys
Thank you so very much for all the continued support, and particularly to Piglet, Lisa and Nigel for last night when I was having another crisis due to bingeing.
I did go to bed after I logged off from here. I listened to my 'Stop Binge Eating' download and then the relaxation CD. I still couldn't sleep so listened to some music for a while. I was still very distressed and ranged from wanting my life to end to almost being in tears but, as is usual for me, couldn't actually cry.
Anyway, I woke at ten this morning, mainly with tummy pains due to all the laxatives I swallowed last night. Spent a couple of hours trying to sleep again but having to keep rushing to the toilet [xx(] Entirely self-inflicted so I don't expect any sympathy.
Whilst lying in bed I made some decisions. This is the first day of a new year and I am going to turn this around again. It helps particularly because those people I thought would be so disappointed in my actions of the past few days (including K) are not disappointed in me at all and say it is not unexpected. So thank you so much for that.
I am going to get in control of this bingeing. No one can do it for me and I suppose it is the result of starting to eat again after so many months of denying myself food. It had started to get out of control.
So the plan now is to stick to my fruit diet for the next week or so, and possibly some vegetables but I am not sure about the cooking issue again at present. Maybe salad will have to do instead.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The fruit thing needs some protein added please as Lisa has already said.. you could do 2 turkey slices couldn't you ..
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 01 January 2006 : 02:32:17</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes, Meg I can do 2 turkey slices I think. I will try anyway. In fact I went out today and was planning to get some more fruit, and would've got some turkey but the supermarkets were closed. The local 24 hour store doesn't have much selection so I'll try again tomorrow.
My second method to get in control of Edie again is to use the hypnosis download whenever I get the thoughts and temptation to binge. Maybe this will help give me the strength I need to stop myself.
If no one minds I will aim to post here before I've given in to the urge to binge for some support, rather than posting in panic after the event.
Once again I am trying to make a new start. I've flushed the remaining laxatives. I resisted ordering any pills that I found as a result of googling last night.
I can get back in control. Today I do believe that is I stop bingeing my weight will naturally drop back a bit to a more comfortable level for me. I've gained too much too fast and that's added to my distress.
Thank you my friends. I am making a great effort to see this year as the time when I finally turn my life around. Although I am petrified, I realise going to the clinic is the first step towards this.
I do hope I can have internet access so I can keep in touch with everyone.
Sorry if I worried anyone last night. For the moment I am feeling more in control and thinking more rationally I think.
I am very grateful for the support I continue to received from my friends here. I don't know how I would have come through last night without you. Thank you all so much.
Love
Karen xx
Noone minds at all.
An egg will do instead.. just some protein to keep your remaining muscle tissue from breaking down any further.
Glad you're thinking straighter today and have made some superb descisions.
Meg xx
Hi Karen,
Oh Karen I am so happy to read this post, I could give you a big hug.
I'm sorry you had a bad night but wow that time to think must have really helped.
You are welcome to the support last night, helping you helped me too, and you also helped me alot last night so thank you.
You're right, no one is disappointed in you, we're here for good times and bad.
I am so impressed too with your attitude today and to see that determination come back, well done. I was concerned about you last night but I also knew it was just a blip and that you would come through it.
It would be a good idea to post before you binge if you're feeling so desperate next time, I for one will help if I'm about at the time, I'm sure no one will mind you doing this if it helps you.
Well done for flushing the laxatives too, definitely the right move.
Karen you really can turn your life around, and I'm sure you will.
Good luck, still thinking of you and thanks for you latest post, it has really inspired me to try harder also.
Lisa x
nomorepanic
01-01-06, 16:00
Happy New Year Karen
Here's to a happy and healthy you in 2006 :);)
XXX
Nicola
Hi Karen....
I just caught up on your posts and was in the wonderful position of looking after your last one and it made me snivel with sheer joy! How amazing you have been, going all through that and coming up the other side today so fantastically well. I really have a sneaky feeling this is going to be your year!
And I'm still holding your hand and reading your post has pulled me up too!
Hurrah! We are over the worst bit! Now we can start to get on with the stuff this year is bringing. I am finding it hard to think positively about the next few months, but it's true, as someone else said on here, we really don't know what is round the corner and wonderful things do happen.
It really is possible that Sarah will get well. For the last week I haven't even been able to entertain that idea but the tide is turning (or the moon lol!) and it IS possible. Maybe I WILL get the DLA and reduce my hours and begin to feel physically better. Maybe I WILL find the explanations for all my ailments and be able to accept them!
Maybe this time next year you WILL be on your course, feeling healthy and positive with eating being just something you do!
I am so grateful to you for your honesty and openess here, it is as Piglet said, inspirational for all of us!
I am feeling a bit better and I am completely surprised that I do! I am not coming on here so much as I am still a bit agitated and need to distract and for me and Lisa with our health anxiety I can see the dangers of keep checking and looking and focussing.... But I really do love you all so much. Such positive, thoughtful, intelligent comments from everyone. I feel all gooey and loved-up lol!
Meg you are truly amazing!
Maybe 2006 will be ok, eh? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Thanks for the supportive replies.
Happy New Year Nic. I am still struggling with the question of healthy meaning weight gain, so will have to make an effort to concentrate on the healthy aspect for now.
Lisa: You were great last night, thank you. I know what you mean about helping others also helps you. I often feel that too. I'm glad if anything I have said today helps inspire you to continue with your progeess too.
I am sorry to have caused concern last night. I wasn't thinking rationally at all because I was caught up in the despair. I know recovering from anorexia is not going to be easy, and I do need specialist help, but I have not come this far to let it defeat me now.
Nigel:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think that makes such a lot of sense. Maybe it was a little too much too soon. Perhaps it would be an idea to aim for somewhere between where were at your lowest and where you are now. That would be a good compromise, would you agree?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 01 January 2006 : 15:57:34</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes, somewhere in between is more realistic. Logically, I know it is the bingeing that has caused the weight gain to happen too quickly, so I hope that altering my diet to stick with foods that are safer will allow my weight to settle at a more acceptable level.
Meg: I obviously wasn't thinking that clearly when I went to the shop as it didn't even occur to me to buy any eggs [:I]. One day of fruit only won't hurt will it? I don't particularly want to go back out in the rain again! I'm sure Tescos is open tomorrow so will stock up properly then.
I will definitely make a pact to ask for support prior to bingeing when I start to feel overwhelmed from now on.
Thank you.
Karen x
Right I am gonna squeeze you really hard now so it may not be pleasant.[}:)]:D[8D][:I][:O]
My god how proud of you I am (I always hate putting that, as it sounds so patronising but so does I am very pleased with you too)!!
Anyway 'whatever', I just want to say how chuffed I am and what a fab post to read - way to go our kid:D:D:D
We all here good times and bad (thankfully you are beginning to realise this too) and will support you all the way!!!
There a few different ways to show we are here while you consider the clinic. Obviously online but if this isn't practical we can all text you. We can also write if you want, maybe Meg or Nic would act as post mistresses if we sent things to them to pass onto you.
Lots of ways to keep in touch to make you feel secure :D
The biggest well done to you for this positive frame of mind :D
Happy New Year again.
Love Pig xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
I am sorry to have caused concern last night.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 01 January 2006 : 16:27:09</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
There is nothing to apologise for Karen, I'm just pleased that you're feeling better today.
Lisa x
LOL Piglet! The hug was very welcome thank you! :)
You do not sound at all patronising and you might be surprised to know how much it means to mean when people tell me they are proud of me. This is not something I have ever been used to hearing before I came here. My experiences are of being told I am a failure no matter what I do, hence one of the reasons why I worry about losing support when I am not doing so well. This is also one of the reasons for my fears of rejection where K is concerned, no matter how many times she tells me she is here for me and is not going to leave me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">There a few different ways to show we are here while you consider the clinic. Obviously online but if this isn't practical we can all text you. We can also write if you want, maybe Meg or Nic would act as post mistresses if we sent things to them to pass onto you.
Lots of ways to keep in touch to make you feel secure :D
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 01 January 2006 : 16:28:57</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thank you. It definitely will help. Although it is my decision not to tell anyone from my family that I will be going to the clinic for treatment, it also means that I won't have any support from them - not that I get any from my family anyway.
Karen x
Karen,
It was so lovely to read all those last few posts.
*I have not come this far to let it defeat me now.* Just fantastic news. Wishing you all the luck in the world to go with your positivity. I really hope 2006 will be the turning point for you Karen.
Take care.
Tammy x
Hi Fee
Sorry I missed your post earlier. Thanks so much for the support and encouragement when you are struggling still yourself.
I am very pleased if my post helped to lift you a bit. We can get through these next few challenging months together.
It really is true that it's possible for Sarah to recover and entirely possible you will ge awarded DLA. Is your doctor supportive of your application? I think that's what helped with my application.
So glad to read that you are feeling better today. I agree that the power of suggestion can be strong so you need to do what helps you most.
How has you day been?
I agree that Meg is truly amazing too and it was Meg's email that helped me turn things around today.
Thanks Tammy for your message.
Meg - I went back out and bought some eggs!! Now I am just trying to convince myself to try to eat some.
Karen x
Karen - Never mind the 'some'
1 will do today. lOl
Meg xx
LOL Meg! I wasn't intending to eat more than one [8)]
I have just put an egg on to boil but am getting increasingly anxious about eating it.
It felt safer when fruit was the only food I had here because I don't feel tempted to binge on fruit. Why is that I wonder?
Wish I could buy eggs one at a time lol!
Karen x
I managed to eat all of the egg white and most of the yolk but I started to panic that I was eating again so I couldn't manage any more than that?
Is this ok?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Have just checked my emails and there is a reply from the clinic. I didn't expect anyone to reply at the weekend.
She said I can go to have a look around any afternoon this week and just to let them know what day and a time.
Now I am feeling anxious [:O]
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Well done with the egg, sounds like you ate most of it. That sounds fine for today, remember step by step, no need to push too far too soon.
Next time you have one you can eat it all hopefully.
It's good you had an email from the clinic, I know it must be scary though. Maybe go and see them early in the week and get it over with?
I find putting things off makes it worse, but maybe that's just me.
We'll all be right behind you willing you on.
Lisa x
Hi Karen, Happy New Year!
Good news that the clinic replied today, when do you think you might go to have a look around?
Sue
Thanks Lisa and Sue.
I don't know when the arrange to visit the clinic. Perhaps I'll arrange it for later in the week when I'm hopefully a bit more settled on this new eating plan. I am so up and down at the moment.
Karen x
Hi mate,
Well done for eating your eggy up :D
Had a little snort at the thought of buying one egg at a time - I liked that idea:D:D:D
That's fab about the clinic and no rush you can choose when you go to visit.
As your post is getting near 50 pages you might like to start a new one for the New Year - which could be more on the lines of using words like progress in it.
Well done mate :)
Love pig xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
Why isn't it possible to buy one egg at a time? :D
I don't know about using terms like 'progress' as it doesn't seem I am making any at present.
Now I can't make a decision about the clinic [Duh!]
Karen x
Morning mate,
Karen it most certainly could be called progress. There is a major difference between the posts at the beginning of this thread and the posts now!!!! :D
You have had lots of light bulb moments as Meg calls them, in recent weeks.
I am going to take the decorations down today - I know we have until the 6th? but normal life resumes tomorrow (thank goodness) and I could do with my house having some order to it:D After all I don't live in a Pigstye do I [}:)]
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Just saying hi and seeing how you are today?
I agree with Piglet about the progress :)
Lisa x
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