View Full Version : Anorexia Crisis
Can things get any worse? I can't even trust my doctor now and it was a huge mistake sending that letter explaining everything.
I've just had a letter from the CMHT telling me she has referred me back there. I don't want to see them again. All they did was make me worse and offered no help at all.
I am petrified that if I have to see the psychiatrist again she is going to section me because she wanted me to agree to hospital treatment last time I saw her and I hadn't admitted half of the things I told my doctor in my letter.
Why does no one listen?
Right now I want to run away and hide. I am not going back to see the CMHT again. In fact, I now don't see how I can keep the appointment with my doctor on Monday. I no longer trust her at all. She didn't even discuss this with me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
Thanks for replying.
No, I can't phone up and talk to her.
My appointment with her is first thing on Monday morning but now I don't want to go. I don't know that there is much point writing to her now because I really can no longer trust her anyway. I don't want anything more to do with any of them.
I don't believe she went ahead and did this after I specifically said it isn't what I want. It seems there is no chance of the clinic I was hoping for.
They are not going to put me in hospital. I can't let that happen. I just want to avoid them all.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Perhaps the funding for Eastbourne will have to come from the CMTH dept. and not from a GP level and that is why you're having to be reassessed and see them again.
If they were wanting to section you, you'd have had a phone call plus a visit from a CPN by now , not just a letter keeping you informed.
Go and see the GP on Monday and get the process of what needs to happen clarified and it gives you a chance to reaffirm your needs and views.
You know its far preferable to stay in touch with her, stay rational and keep in the communication lines of what may need to happen and continue to state your views.
If you play ostrich and don't attend appts they may get over concerned about you and send someone round to the house and then you are not in such a position of strength as you are if you keep in touch and voluntarily show up and thus keep some control over the proceedings.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Hi Meg
Do you really believe this is just to access funding?
The letter said my doctor had referred me to the crisis team and said they had received the referral on Tuesday, which means my doctor must have contacted them as soon as she read my letter on Monday.
I don't think my doctor necessarily wants to section me, but I do think if I end up back on the books of the psychiatrist or CMHT that they will. I really don't want to see any of them again. What is the point when they just pass me from one person to another and the whole thing just caused me more stress and panic last time.
Someone turning up here is what I am scared of and right now I am jumping at the slightest thing.
What if I go on Monday and she doesn't listen to me? How can I avoid going back to the CMHT again now?
I really wish I hadn't sent that letter.:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I need K. I need to feel safe with her and for her to protect me. Without her I am not able to go on.
I can't let them separate me from her.
I need a way out.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
21-10-05, 22:07
Karen
It worries me that you talk about needing a way out. We know that there isn't an easy solution to this and you are not going to be with K in the future.
What sort of way out do you mean - I am worried by this.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Sorry Nic. I don't mean to worry you or anyone. I am just scared and don't know what to do. I can't go into a psychiatric hospital because I know what happens there and I also cannot be parted from K.
If I have to see the psychiatrist again I know she will send me there and why else would my doctor refer me for psychiatric evaluation?
All of this just proves to me that it doesn't pay to be open with any of them about how I'm feeling or what has been happening. I wish I had never gone the NHS route for help. Everything is so much worse now.
Now I don't even feel safe here because I think they are going to come and cart me off to hospital. I feel so alone and terrified. I don't know what to do.
Wish I could talk to K. I need her help.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
21-10-05, 22:30
Karen
Thanks for the reply. You know that I care and read all your posts and keep up with your progress and I was worried what you may do.
Please stay strong mate and I am here if you need me. Maybe I could call you again and bore you stupid on the phone lol. Let me know. Could call over the weekend.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thank you Nic. I do know you care. I cannot deny thinking about suicide and putting an end to all of this. But I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to leave K either. She is the reason I am still here.
I just want to get away from here because I don't feel safe and I can't let them put me in hospital.
A phone call would be good thanks. I think I am going mad here on my own.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
21-10-05, 22:56
Karen
I know (well I can try to understand at least) how hard it is for you.
I will PM you before I call ok so you know it is me.
Take care and please try to get some sleep.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thanks Nic.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Have been up all night again. I just am unable to relax and therefore sleep. Keep thinking that I just want to move from here as quickly as possible now so that they can't find me. But then I still haven't got anywhere to move to and am not going to at this rate.
I have been fantasing about being with K and feeling safe. Just wish real life could be like that.
Maybe I should just use the proceeds from the sale of my house to pay for the treatment. What does it matter if I have nowhere to go to when I get out? At the moment this isn't much like living anyway.
I don't expect anyone can really understand but I would do anything to avoid going into an nhs psychiatric hospital. I am that terrified.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
I can well understand your fears regarding the pshychiatric unit. I think it is the fear of being somewhere where you HAVE to stay, whether you want to or not. It is having the control taken away from you I think, knowing that you have no choice over where you are or what happens.
I know you think that if only you could be with K then everything would be well and you would be safe. I also never feel safe either physically or emotionally and also fantasise about the perfect life I would have if only I could move house, get a better job etc. But the real deal is that even if you were with K and even if I could change things in my life, it doesn't follow that all our problems would vanish and we would be content. Unfortunately, with anxiety and depression, when one obstacle is overcome another one soon comes along to take it's place and we start worrying/ obsessing about that instead.
You do know that you need somewhere to live once your house sale has been completed. But, also don't forget that you have the final say on when completion day is, so there is no need to feel pressured into finding somewhere else to live. The new place has to feel right for you, no use just choosing the first place that comes along so as to please your buyer. They will have to wait until you are happy with the new property that you choose, however long that may take.
Kate x
Hannahlou84
22-10-05, 10:13
Karen,
Sorry to hear you are still struggling with the letter issue, just try not to panic about it, and try and discuss it all rationally with your doctor on Monday.
You may have had something with your idea about using the proceeds from your house sale to help you out. Perhaps you could keep enough aside to be able to rent when you come back out? Maybe even see if that increases your chances of PCT funding too, if you were to part fund it?
Do you know if they do reduced rates for people who are struggling financially at all? Might be worth a look at that route if none of the alternatives are viable?
"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"
Thanks for the replies.
Kate: I do know being with K wouldn't make all my other issues go away but I still believe if she loved and cared for me then I would at least feel safe and not be alone. I would have someone to care about me. She is the only person I believe could ever do this.
Hannah: I don't know about the funding. My therapist originally said private inpatient treatment would cost thousands.
I am feeling worse this morning because having heard from K she thinks I am being stupid. It is the first time she has said that about anything I have said to her, but that's what she said when I told her I feel like running away.
Now I also think she doesn't like me at all and maybe even hates me. She probably does believe I am stalking her now because I said I want to run to her and she told me I can't do that. She is rejecting me too and I can't handle it. I believed and still need to believe that she is there and will always be there. I need to know she would welcome me and look after me.
I know I am pathetic. I am an adult and should look after myself but I don't have anyone and now I feel more alone than ever. Whatever happens I am not going into hospital. I cannot let them put me there and I don't think anyone, not even K, is going to help me or save me now.
I don't know what to do and am running out of options. I just wish I wasn't here. I don't want to be me. I wish I could just disappear, or even better that I had never been born in the first place - just like dad is always saying I was a mistake.
Am drowing and have no one to hold onto who loves me enough to keep me here. Why am I so bad that K doesn't love me?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Oh Karen, I don't know what to say. It makes me so sad that you feel this way. You are going through a really bad time right now but you have been there before and come through. You can do it.
Try not to worry about what will happen, worrying changes nothing as my Nan used to say!
I know it's hard and I know nothing anyone can say will change the way you feel but just know we are here for you.
Tammy x
Thanks for thinking of me Tammy.
Wish I could switch off enough to sleep. I'm exhausted but keep jumping.
Feel terrible about K. She must think I'm the worst person in the world because I want so much from her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
you are doing the real deal anticipatory anxiety over something where you dont know whats going to happen. You dont know what your GP will say or do, so like tammy said, there is no use in worrying about it until you go there and no the answers - dont keep making up your own.
as Meg pointed out, there may well be a valid reason why she has referred you to the CMHT - which will be revealed on Monday.. Just wait and see.. no one is taking you anywhere.
As for K - well what can I say.. as soon as you say, she hates me, just think about that. You know, I know, everyone knows that this isn't true.. she cares about you such a lot and her best interests are making sure you are safe. Just because she cannot give you what you want, it doesnt' mean she doesn't care about you.
Just try to relax - nothing will happen until Monday when you see your GP anyway, so try not to waste the weekend worrying.. (i know that is far easier said than done - but try!)
is there something you can do this weekend to get out the house?
take care honey,
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your reply. I am sure my doctor had her reasons for referring me back to the CMHT but I am also sure these reasons are not to do with the funding issue and much more likely to be because she now thinks I am getting worse and need to see the psychiatrist again.
It is the psychiatrist and the CMHT I am terrified of and now feel betrayed by my doctor and unable to trust her because she has sent me back there when I specifically said I didn't want their involvement. How can I admit the truth to her in future now? It was better when I was covering everything up and then she left me alone.
There is no way I am going back to see the psychiatrist again, or anyone from the CMHT. They want me to break contact with K, and they want me in hospital. I cannot do either of these things and I have to avoid seeing them whatever it takes.
I know K cares about me but I have messed things up as usual. I want too much from her and now she probably thinks I am harassing her and stalking her. I need her so much and she is the only person I can go to and feel safe.
I realise I am being totally unreasonable and shouldn't want or need her help so much. If I have ruined things it is my fault. Why would she want to see me in person? Why would she want me there? I don't deserve to have her care about me at all anyway. I just feel hurt and rejected by something she said. I know I am worthless and unlovable though so really it is not surprising.
But I still cannot live my life if she isn't a part of it. I still need to be with her and now I feel I have nothing and no one.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen just to say still reading and think about you often, take care, would be nice if I was able to meet you at the conference,
love from Alexisxxxx
Thanks Alexis. It would be lovely to meet you too. I still hope to go to the conference but things are all a bit up in the air for me at the moment.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know I am worthless and unlovable though so really it is not surprising. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Remember all those positive qualities we all gave you a few weeks back? I think we suggested that you were to write them down and pin them up in your kitchen?
It came over loud and clear that you were worth it and loveable. This worry over the GP and other medics has just got you in an incredible spin full of irrational thoughts.
And K has not said she hates you or anything like that. You have said that, and are remembering your own negative thoughts rather than what she really said.
K is here for you, and so are we. You have loads of people rooting for you - please remember that.
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Oh Karen
Why is K so special? What does she do that nobody else can? She is a source of support, comfort, help and advice. You trust her, and feel comfortable with her.
Why could you not get that with a therapist????? I have had a very positive experience with my CMHT, and have been very lucky to have a therapist who is a source of comfort, help, support and advice. I trust her and feel comfortable with her.
You do not have to settle with the first therapist that comes along. If you cannot relate to one, you can be asked to be transfered to another.
It takes time to develop a bond with somebody. At the minute you are denying yourself a chance at recovery by having decided already that you cannot accept any of the help that may be on offer.
I fully understand that you do not wish to be sectioned or hospitalised, and I think we can all sympathise with you on that score. If you really don't want to go, then maybe you need to evaluate your actions out of hospital. If the people who are trying to help you can see that you are not helping yourself by being in what you perceive to be the best place for you, then they are obviously going to want to move you somewhere more suitable. It is almost a case of saving you from yourself. I know that what you are going through is terribly difficult. Although I haven't suffered in anything like the way you have, I have an idea of what you are going through. At one point in my life, my food intake was the only thing I could control, and at my lowest point I weighed 8 1/2 stone, so I have "been there" too, although not to the degree that you have.
What does K think? Does she want you to continue as you are, or get some help.
Also, I am concerned about your comment that you did not tell your psychiatrist everything. It is extremely difficult to discuss everything with somebody, but maybe one of the reasons that you are not getting satisfaction from the help offered is that you have not divulged everything.
I fully appreciate that the reasons for your illness are complicated, and you have many things to address, but if you are really serious about getting better then you have to make yourself more open to help.
I think Meg is right, and that your doctor has referred you, despite your wishes for funding reasons.
Avoiding the issue and not attending your appointment tomorrow will only make the situation worse. Not going is a practically guaranteed way of getting somebody knocking at your door.
Tell your doctor what you have said here. Explain that you no longer feel you can trust her, and ask her the reasons for her actions. Second guessing people is never a good idea.
If it helps you could try printing this post off and giving it to your doctor to read. When my depression got out of control, I couldn't express it verbally, and printed off my post and gave it to my therapist, and sat and cried as she read it!
You had been doing so well, and it has been really great to see you on so many meets ups. Please think back to all you have achieved this year, and consider accepting the help that is offered.
How do you know that the treatment route you want to take will defintely work and the route that has been suggested won't? I am not saying that you are wrong, but I think that you have to be a bit more open to the help on offer if you are to make a recovery
Love
Charlie
Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!
Thanks for your reply Ray.
Yes I do remember the list of positive comments but I feel even less like any of those describe me at the moment. If any of those descriptions were actually true then I wouldn't be hurting people and causing worry.
If they were true then I wouldn't be alone. Mum wouldn't have rejected me and dad wouldn't treat me the way he does. K would love me and want to see me, and I wouldn't act so terribly towards her.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">And K has not said she hates you or anything like that.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Ok so she didn't say that, but I don't think she wants to know me or have a closer relationship with me. I feel like I am demanding her attention and leaving her no option but to keep in contact. I don't deserve such kindness from her.
The situation with my doctor has panicked me and I am still convinced that nothing good is going to come from this. All that has happened since I involved doctors and psychiatrists is that I've been more stressed and anxious, and have had more panic attacks about it. I need to avoid all of them.
I am not denying that I need help with my anorexia, but not from them and not in a psychiatric hospital. There has to be another way.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen, I am by no means an expert in these matters, but can I make another suggestion?
Would tackling things in "sections" be a solution?
We discussed the other day your low self esteem issues, and Ray is so right about your positive points (even if you can't seem to see any of them at the minute)
Would a solution be to use the CMHT for CBT to tackle the low self esteem initially???? Would helping you to feel better about yourself be a way of helping you to tackle the other issues?
I have used CBT to tackle, separately, panic, anxiety and low self esteem, and my experiences have been very positive (I know that this doesn't mean that it will work for everybody, but in general, it seems to have a very positive outcome for a lot of people).
If you felt better about yourself in general, do you think that you would have more strength to tackle your other issues?
I know we are just a group of people connected only by the tenuous link of being members of NMP, but I hope that you feel the support and encouragement for you.
Be strong, and go to the doctors tomorrow. Best of luck
Charlie
Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!
Hi Charlie
Thanks for your replies.
It is so difficult to explain my feelings for K in a way that is easy to understand. K is special and an essential part of my life. It is like needing air to breathe, I need K to live. It is true that she is a valued source of support, comfort, help and advice, however it is also more than that. I feel this connection to her and have done from the minute I read some of her replies to others on another forum I use.
My feelings for her are the result of an obsessive attachment issue I have, which I learnt through another therapist is likely due to the way my mum rejected me all my life. As I was growing up I started forming these attachments with women as a means of coping with my emotional distress at receiving no love or comfort at home.
So, although K is a therapist and not officially treating me, what I feel for her goes way beyond that. Yes, I trust her and feel able to tell her anything. I rely on her and she has been helping and supporting me, but she also gives me the will to keep fighting. There have been a number of occasions this year when I've felt I've reached rock bottom and felt suicidal. It is K who has helped me come through those times. Just knowing she is there and my hopes about the 'special' relationship I have with her somehow get me through. I realise most of what I think about our relationship is fantasy, but she is meeting my need to be loved, comforted and cared for.
What I get with K I could not therefore experience with a therapist and, in fact, it would not really be helpful for me to become so attached to a therapist anyway. I have been seeing a private therapist who was recommended by K, and I do trust her and have valued her help and support.
I am glad you have had such positive experiences with the CMHT. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same. Over the years I have had many dealings with them and psychiatrists, because I have had some of these problems since childhood. I have had some very bad experiences with psychiatrists and other members of mental health teams.
I don't really want to go into this again because it is upsetting and makes me feel more anxious, however I have been passed from therapist to therapist and they have nearly all told me it is my fault I remain ill and that I don't want to get better - most of these comments came because I have such difficulty with verbal communication and they believed I was not speaking deliberately and being uncooperative.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It takes time to develop a bond with somebody. At the minute you are denying yourself a chance at recovery by having decided already that you cannot accept any of the help that may be on offer.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
The reality is that there is no help on offer from them apart from admission to hospital. I originally asked for the referral in order to see a psychologist for CBT. The psychiatrist assessed me and firstly wanted to put me on antidepressants, which I have had so many times in the past without any benefit, and then tried to convince me to agree to hospital admission.
The social worker and CPN from the CMHT didn't want to get involved with seeing me and told the psychiatrist there was 'no need' for them to see me. I was twice referred for day hospital support and twice this was refused - I was told I am not enough of a crisis case to justify a place there.
A referral for CBT was also refused as being 'inappropriate'.
At my last appointment with the psychiatrist she again wanted me to agree to go into hospital and warned me that if my BMI falls below 13, my health deteriorates, or if I deteriorate in any way then my doctor would have to refer me back for an assessment under the Mental Health Act and this would lead to me being sec
Karen
I do totally understand your concerns. I have never been a believer in being "forced" to get better. To a much lesser degree, I have had experience of that with some of the ways my parents tried to "help" me. Forcing an agrophobic to leave the house doesn't help!!!! At all!!!! So I do understand entirely when you express concern about the regimes that are used in some hospitals.
I still think that you should print this post off in its entirety and let your GP read it, particularly if you have issues expressing yourself.
I'm very sorry that you have had such a bad experience with your CMHT and CBT. Maybe you should move to Derbyshire, where the CMHT are really good!!!!!
Maybe once you've had your consultation and explained to the doctor that your anorexia isn't a disease in its own right, but symptomatic of numerous issues, which all need to be treated in order for you to become "well" again, she will be able to influence the CMHT.
I do understand your attachment to K. The point I am trying to put over is that if you work more on your self esteem, you will find that your attachment to K lessens, and you are able to make more friends, who can also support you. Whilst I don't mean to sound my own trumpet, the fact that I have lots of very good, understanding and supportive friends has helped me immeasurably. However, it wasn't until I sorted out my self esteem issues that I have felt able to "use" them. Previously, I "coped" (or should that be existed) on my own. Now I have the confidence to phone up and suggest meeting, instead of previously when I sat at home waiting and hoping somebody would call me. It is entirely understandable that you have "latched" on to somebody to replace your mother. Unfortunately, despite desperately wanting to be my mums best friend, I felt much closer to my gran, and still miss her desperately. I am trying very hard at the minute to "get" my mum, and hope that she returns this, and we go out weekly for tea. I hope that all is not lost
I am glad that you realise that there are lots of people on this site who are concerned about you, wish you well and want to support you as much as possible.
Ray did have a point though, when he mentioned your appointment and your thoughts running ahead of you. Try not to panic until you have seen the doc, and make sure you discuss everything with her. If it helps why not start making a list now of all the points you need to talk about with her.
Stay strong
Charlie
Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!
Feeling worse this morning and so scared about seeing my doctor. I took the last of my sleeping pills last night in an attempt to get some proper sleep for the first time in several days, but I was still waking every hour and having horrible dreams.
Now I am experiencing high anxiety and pain, not only about the appointment but also I am having internet connection problems again. I am so scared something bad is going to happen at the doctor's this morning and then I won't be ablet to get online to contact K about it.
I am feeling so low and just don't want to face any of this. I need K.
Better send this before my connection cuts off again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thinking of you today Karen.
Hope it goes ok at the doctors.
Lisa x
Morning Karen,
hope it goes ok for you today. Let us know how you get on.
Tammy x
Thanks for all the encouragement.
I saw my doctor this morning and it turns out she has absolutely no idea what is going on either. She did speak to someone from the crisis team last week, however this was to speak to one of the psychologists to find out why I was turned down for therapy last time. She said it might be because the psychologist attached to the CMHT does not have the relevant experience in treating people with eating disorders, and if so this would strengthen my case for funding to go to the clinic I would prefer.
However, she did say that the usual referral for eating disorders is to a specialised unit in Kent and that is the NHS one that I don't want to go to.
She told me she is frustrated at the way my case has been handled by the CMHT and the fact that they have passed me from person to person, only for each one of them to discharge me back to her. She said there is a limit to what she can do, apart from monitor my weight and general health, and agreed that I am not going to be able to recover without some psychological treatment.
She is going to speak to the CMHT again but could not guarantee that I won't need to see them again. I know Dr K wants me is hospital and I am not going back to see her no matter what happens. My doctor is trying to help and is being supportive but is not too confident that funding will be approved for a private clinic.
For the moment I am feeling a bit calmer at least and realise I panicked without knowing the full story before. However, even my doctor said it was 'unbelievable' that the CMHT do not seem to know what they are doing and are passing me from one person to the next.
Thank you all so much for your support.
I am still having Internet connection problems and keep getting cut off which is making me feel worse again at the moment. I am scared of being cut off from K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Charlie
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm very sorry that you have had such a bad experience with your CMHT and CBT. Maybe you should move to Derbyshire, where the CMHT are really good!!!!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It is a shame the services are not so good everywhere. Even my doctor today said she is frustrated by the way I have been passed from one person to the next and none of them has been able to help and they have just discharged me back to her.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I do understand your attachment to K. The point I am trying to put over is that if you work more on your self esteem, you will find that your attachment to K lessens, and you are able to make more friends, who can also support you.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes maybe you are right. I am not sure self-esteem is the only factor in my attachment issues but I do have a problem with low self-esteem and recognise this is something I need to work at. It is knowing where to start that is the problem and not receiving any help to do this.
I don't think you are sounding your own trumpet at all and think you have worked very hard at your recovery. I too sit at home alone and would not ring anyone to suggest meeting because I think it is unlikely anyone would want to meet me and if the answer is no I feel rejected. So I believe it is better not to ask in the first place. I only have one friend who lives locally anyway.
Sorry to hear about the situation with your mum and I hope you are able to repair the relationship. It sounds like you are doing all you can do to enable you both to resolve your differences. I have tried all my life to establish some kind of relationship with my mum and it is only in the last year that I have come to realise nothing I do will make any difference. Each time I try I am just rejected and feel hurt again. I now haven't seen her or spoken to her in over a year.
Thank you for taking the time to reply Charlie and I appreciate your thoughts on my situation.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Glad it went ok today Karen, that must be a relief. I hope it all works out and that you start getting the help you need.
Lisa
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">How's about doing something positive now as a way of saying 'thanks' to whoever was watching over you today?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 24 October 2005 : 17:27:11</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Like K you mean![8)]
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Actually I am not feeling great tonight, as I have stomach cramps and am feeling sick.
I am also feeling really tired too but my doctor doesn't want me to take the sleeping pills every night which means the insomnia is going to get worse.
I'm also getting obsessive about K and worrying because she hasn't been online all day.
It is also extremely frustrating that my internet connection keeps getting cut off every few minutes and then I have to reconnect. I keep panicking that it won't let me connect at all at some point. I knew this would happen with all the heavy rain we've had.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're not feeling too great right now. Have you eaten anything? Might this be why you are feeling sick?
You should try and do some deep, relaxation breathing before you go to bed tonight. I hope Meg doesn't mind me saying as I've been doing it after listening to her CD set. You breath in for 3/4 then out for 6/8.
It sounds so simple but it really does work. I'm not sure whether it's because you are so focused on your breathing, or because more oxygen makes you sleepy or even just the boredom of counting breaths!
All I know is that since I have started it a few weeks ago I haven't had a single sleepless night.
Hope you don't think I'm telling you things you already know, but if you haven't tried it before give it a go.
Take care.
Tammy x
Hi Karen
I'm so pleased that you found the strength to go to the doctors and things were not as bad as you feared. (I'm not going to say that I told you so, but I told you so!!!) LOL
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your GP continues to fight your corner, and chases up the CMHT and that the right sort of treatment is found for you.
At least your GP has looked at the whole picture and realises that weight is only one of your issues.
Stay strong, and hopefully after your positive consultation today you will get a better nights sleep.
Take care
Charlie
Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!
Hi Tammy & Charlie
Thanks for your replies.
Charlie: My doctor is doing what she can to help and she is supportive. It is the CMHT that causes all the problems. Even she doesn't understand what they are up to.
Tammy: Yes, I do know about the breathing technique. Thank you for the tip though.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Have you eaten anything? Might this be why you are feeling sick?
<div align="right">Originally posted by tammyg - 24 October 2005 : 19:28:16</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am feeling sick and have stomach pains because I have eaten. When eating makes me feel so ill it makes it so that I don't want to ever eat again.
I am feeling low again tonight because I haven't heard from K. It is worse because I wait around all day hoping to receive a message from her and feel so upset and disappointed when she doesn't write.
Now I am feeling bad because I have eaten and low because I haven't had any contact with K.:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm very, very glad you went to see her and got the true picture and did not rely on or believe in the made up version a la Karen that you were intent on all weekend long.
Learn from this Karen, things are not always as bad as your imagination pretends they are.
The same does go for edie and loki of course.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Thank you Meg.
I accept I did overreact where my doctor is concerned and I will try not to catastrophise so much.
However, I do still have the same fears and terrors regarding psychiatric services and believe my fears are justified where they are concerned. Even my doctor thinks they have been very unhelpful and pushed me from pillar to post.
I have said to her that I am not happy to go back to see them again, so I hope she can sort out the mix up over this referral that she never actually made.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
paladin806
24-10-05, 23:24
Hi Karen, am so glad every thing worked out with the doctor, especially after suggesting that you write to her before going. Was getting ready to emigrate till i saw it was ok. It really does help to put them fully in the picture, and writing things down also keeps you aware of the changes that are taking place. Take care and keep being positive. John.
"I heard someone calling my name one day, so i followed that voice down the lost highway"
I was so glad to hear that you had the strength to see your doctor this morning. Wasn't as bad as you thought, was it?
As I see it, you need to have assistance in getting that goodness in you to get you out of what I call the danger zone. Shortly afterwards I would expect the psychologocal help to begin, so that you eventually do not feel bad about being "fat".
Remember that with a day clinic, you'll still have contact with K at some times, and throughout the evening. Even if you are able to get private treatment, I'm sure that won't involve you checking for K every five minutes. You'll have to give in a little to reap those rewards.
I really hope that your doc can sort this. Maybe now you have told them more candidly about yourself, their attitude may change and give you what is suitable.
Here's hoping.
Goodnight,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thank you for your messages John and Ray
Ray:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">As I see it, you need to have assistance in getting that goodness in you to get you out of what I call the danger zone. Shortly afterwards I would expect the psychologocal help to begin, so that you eventually do not feel bad about being "fat".</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't think I am in the 'danger zone' though and I definitely don't need 'goodness' which to me equals calories and fat and means I will get fatter and gain loads of weight.
There isn't any chance of a day clinic anywhere. The private clinic does have a day unit but the information I have had from them says treatment would require a stay in the clinic initially, maybe followed by attending the day clinic as things progress.
I am still not entirely sure about this yet, as even if funding is secured there will need to be some negotiation regarding daily contact with K. If this cannot be arranged then I can't go in there. I realise I won't be able to be on the internet all day and that will be hard enough to cope with not being able to check for her, because this is a compulsion that I find it very hard to resist. There is no way I can cope without any contact every day as well.
I have been feeling so ill tonight with stomach pains and diarrhoea. However, despite feeling ill it also feels good in a way because now I feel completely empty too and my stomach is a bit flatter than how hugely fat it usually is.
Now I want to stay like this though and the only way to do that is not to eat anything. I think it is going to be a struggle for me to get anything past Edie tomorrow. Even fluids make me feel bloated.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Am not doing too well today. I need to restrict food today and keep up my weight loss but I am getting sugar cravings. Trying to fill myself up with water instead because I cannot give in.
Right now I am very tempted to take extra diet pills, even though I am already taking the maximum. I don't think it would really hurt though.
I am also panicking considerably because there is a problem with my phone line which means I can't stay connected to the Internet and it keeps cutting me off every couple of seconds. It has taken ages to post this. I am feeling really alone and cut off from everyone now. Worst of all I am feeling so low and worried that I won't be able to receive a message from K today if she writes.:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Oh well I guess I have an excuse not to eat hardly anything today, as I still have an upset stomach and have to keep running to the toilet and I have only been drinking water so far today.
I don't think eating anything would be a very good idea really would it?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
*Right now I am very tempted to take extra diet pills, even though I am already taking the maximum. I don't think it would really hurt though.*
I really HOPE you know this isn't true. Deep down you know it really wouldn't be a sensible idea. You don't know exactly what these pills are doing to you. You shouldn't be taking them at all, never mind extra! PLEASE get rid of them.
*I don't think eating anything would be a very good idea really would it?*
Maybe just have something light, I know something dry is good when you're not feeling well, toast or crackers maybe. Keep drinking lots of water though even if you can't face eating anything at the moment.
Take care.
Tammy x
Hi Tammy
Sorry, I am just getting really upset and scare about being cut off from K and from the forums too because then I am totally alone.
I just want to stop the sugar craving because when I don't control it I can end up bingeing and then take laxatives or make myself sick. My stomach is painful at the moment as it is.
Don't really want to eat anything but I am drinking water.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Don't be sorry, I know you are scared and my post probably came across not quite as I meant it to! I just wanted you to see that they are doing you no good, that's all.
Glad you are drinking lots of water. Maybe try a bit of fruit later on. Maybe grapes? for the sugar craving I mean.
Please remember you are not alone. Hopefully your internet connection will hold out for you!
Tammy x
Your post was fine and supportive Tammy.
I guess it is just Edie convinces me it is fine to take the slimming pills and now she wants me to take more of them. I just hate getting sugar cravings.
I don't have any food in the house really, only some diet crackers. So I would have to go out and buy something, which I don't like doing anyway - being around food is not good, and it is worse when I get these cravings. I'm not sure fruit would help my stomach cramps much either.
Thanks for trying to help. I am the one being difficult and not following the suggestions made.
I am tempted to take another sleeping pill and go back to bed. I can't even make two phone calls this afternoon and feel I am being totally pathetic.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Oh well, if this running to the loo continues much longer I guess that will help with my weight loss. Have spent more time in the bathroom since getting up than anywhere else.
I am feeling sick now too so definitely not a good idea to eat anything.
The trouble is I am trying to keep drinking water but now feel like I can't face even this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Think I may have a stomach bug actually now. The cramps are horrible but the fact I am ill doesn't really bother me because it might make me lose some more weight.
Just wish these sugar cravings would go away:(. I am NOT going to give into them. If I were to eat it would more than likely make my stomach worse anyway.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Just have to increase the number of diet pills. It is the only way. I am such a failure and even more so now. I can't even do anorexia properly.:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
The day just gets worse with no message from K today:(:(:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen,
How are feeling this morning? Any better than yesterday?
Tammy x
Thanks for your replies Tammy and Nigel.
No, I don't feel any better today and I haven't heard from K. Just feeling really low and keep checking for her - when I get get online.
I need the extra pills. Edie is telling me what a failure I am for not reaching her target and so I have to take drastic action. I have to get past this point where I keep getting stuck and then blowing it all.
I need to be a success in something and this is all I can do, even if it means taking more pills. I don't think one or two extra is going to make me ill, and if it does then I suppose I deserve it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Just saying hello and that I finally sorted the computer out (got a new one)!!!!
Love Piglet :)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
hi Karen,
hope you are feeling abit better.. pls try and eat something, even it its something small..
and please when you get a glimpse of rational thinking, for your own physical health, please throw those diet pills away - they are making you ill!!
thinking of you,
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Piglet: Glad you got the computer sorted. How are you?
Lisa: Yes I have eaten today but I don't feel very well tonight. I am feeling bloated again and now I feel sick too.
I seem to feel sick all the time now and it gets worse when I eat, plus I feel worse because then I get bloated too.
Am so tired too but need to stay on here looking out for K. I miss her and need to hear from her so much.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
I was wondering about the letter you wrote to the doctor (I'm sure you will have answered this while I've been away so sorry if I am repeating).
Where are things at????
Love Piglet :)
Hi Piglet
Yes I posted about this (pg 3).
My doctor is being really supportive and gathering information to support an application to the PCT for funding for the private clinic.
She doesn't know what the CMHT are playing at either and didn't refer me to them but hasn't confirmed I won't need to go there either. I am not going back there.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Had a little read up so I'm more upto date now.
How are you feeling today??
Love Piglet:)
Hi Piglet
Not feeling too good really. I am upset and annoyed with myself because I think I am hurting K and letting her down. She is worried about me because I'm taking the diet pills and asked me to get rid of them.
I really want to do what she has asked of me but I just can't do it. I tried to flush them down the toilet but just couldn't bring myself to do it. Edie won't let me.
It is so hard because I cannot handle the way I feel when I eat. I just feel so repulsive and disgustingly fat afterwards, and like I have failed again.
I wish I could be with K and then maybe I would have the strength to do what she wants. I think she could encourage me to eat better too.
At the moment I feel sick all the time and have horrible stomach pains. And even drinking makes me feel so bloated.
I haven't heard from K today and I really need her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I think you should just do it, get rid of them!! K really wants you to and I know she means a lot to you.
Sorry to hear you are still feeling so sick. Hopefully you will feel better in the morning.
Tammy x
Hi Tammy
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think you should just do it, get rid of them!! K really wants you to and I know she means a lot to you.
<div align="right">Originally posted by tammyg - 27 October 2005 : 20:49:16</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I know she wants me to get rid of them and I want to do it for her. I really want her to be pleased with me. I just can't do it though. I have tried.
Part of it is what Edie tells me about having to listen to her and do what she wants in order to become good enough to deserve K's love and attention. I am so desperate for this that I can't ignore her or give up the slightest possible chance that I might be with K.
On the other hand I feel like I am letting K down again by not doing as she asks.
I just want to be with her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Great news that your gp is now on your side and finally understands the whole picture. It was worth taking the huge leap of faith!
It is now not just you fighting your corner! That must help you a little!
Hope you managed a little sleep last night.
Reading your posts, the pills appear to be a bit of an issue again.
Hopefully it is not raining today and is still quite warm, so why not take a deep breath, open your upstairs window and throw the pills outside into the air and watch them fall to the ground - You really do not need them Karen. K wants you to get rid of them, so do we. Please try to throw them out.
Then a warm bath, get dressed and maybe a little journey to get a couple of things from the supermarket. Toast and marmite is always a hit with you - so that could go on the list. Helps to settle a sore tummy! :)
What about herbal teas? I can't remember if you have answered this one in the past - I'm getting old!!!
Something sweet that you would allow - has to be an apple - this time of year there is such a lovely choice - maybe a couple of different varieties to tempt you?
It is real progress with your gp - please, please believe it!
Take care
Elaine XX:):)
Morning Karen,
I agree with Elaine - please chuck the diet pills[Yes!]
Have you managed to eat anything today yet????
Like the others I am so pleased your GP is has the whole picture and really hope some satisfactory help comes soon.
Love Piglet:)
Hi Elaine and Piglet
Thanks for your replies. My doctor is being supportive and doing her best to help me. I am still wary of saying too much to her, like about the diet pills, because she could still decide not to wait around for the outcome of the request for PCT funding and send me to an NHS psychiatric hosptial instead.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Reading your posts, the pills appear to be a bit of an issue again.
Hopefully it is not raining today and is still quite warm, so why not take a deep breath, open your upstairs window and throw the pills outside into the air and watch them fall to the ground - You really do not need them Karen. K wants you to get rid of them, so do we. Please try to throw them out.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Sorry but I haven't managed to throw them out. I need to be taking them. I know I am letting K down by not doing what she wants me to do for the sake of my health but I need to stay in control and reach Edie's target.
I haven't eaten yet today and bread is not something I am eating at the moment. I found it leads to other food cravings. I will have a couple of my low calorie crackers in a while.
I think someone did ask about herbal teas before. I can't remember now either. I don't really like herbal tea though. I only like ordinary tea which I won't have at present because I'm not having milk.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Something sweet that you would allow - has to be an apple - this time of year there is such a lovely choice - maybe a couple of different varieties to tempt you?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
The only fruits I am having are raspberries or strawberries when I can find them. These have less calories than most other fruits.
I'm feeling very low today and worrying about K. I haven't heard from her or seen her around online all day. I really don't cope well without her. I am scared something is wrong.
Some people from my other forum appear to be getting fed up with me too and telling me I don't want to get better. I already feel guilty enough for hurting K and other people I care about by not making any progress and I know it is my own fault. However, when I said that someone else said I just don't want to listen to anyone else and I turn things around to try to make the other person feel guilty.
I don't blame anyone except myself. I know people are trying to help and I know it if my fault that I am stuck with this and have not been getting any better. In fact I am getting worse. Edie has taken me over virtually completely and I don't know whether there is any way back from this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Feeling so low and panicking about K now. I haven't been able to control my compulsion to keep checking for her online and she hasn't been around all day.
Now I am getting so scared something has happened to her and she is hurt. I keep imagining that I have lost her and won't hear from her again. I don't want to be here without her. I need her so much:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I really need K tonight. I don't know how I am going to get through the long desolate hours without her.:(
Just wish I could sleep and dream about her all the time that I am not actually receiving a message from her.
I am experiencing food cravings again tonight but feel too sick and distressed to eat. Think I might take another couple of pills just to make sure I don't give in though.
Everything is closing in on me and I don't know what to do anymore. I can't make a decision about moving. The despair without K today is unbearable. I am scared to move from my bedroom in my own home.
Now it is pouring with rain again and I am also panicking that my internet connection will go like it always does in this weather. Then I will be completely cut off and isolated, and not be able to write to K or read any message if she gets in contact tomorrow.
My computer is crashing again too, this time some problem with Word and I can't access any of my Word documents.
I've just had enough.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I really despise myself right now. I caved in to the cravings last night and had some chocolate. I have also eaten today and I feel completely bloated and fat and disgusted with myself.
Not only do I want to take extra diet pills from now on to stop myself eating at all, I also need to take laxatives to get rid of this food. Having just eaten and now hating myself for it and feeling like a complete failure, I am trying to resist the urge to throw it all back up again.
I can't cope with the way eating makes me feel. I might feel bad and obsess about food when I am starving myself or restricting, but it is a thousand times worse when I actually eat. I can't even explain or put into words some of the thoughts that go round in my head when I have eaten. I feel like the worst person alive and believe I have messed everything up. Edie will never deliver on her promises if I don't keep to what she wants me to do.
I really hate myself and I hate being like this. If only I could be with K everything would be alright. I just can't do this without her and now she is telling me she doesn't believe I can recover without inpatient treatment - and soon. I don't believe I need a clinic or hospital. I just need K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
Giving in to cravings is the worst thing in the world and I hate and detest myself for it. No wonder no one is able to love or care for me when I am so repulsive.
I took control of the situation only not in the way you meant. It is too late I am afraid as I felt so disgusted with myself that I took the laxatives and know I will take the diet pills too. I am determined not to eat anything now. I have to make up for the calorie intake I've had. I can't gain weight.
Although Edie might not have delivered on her promises so far, what else have I got to hope for? She at least offers me some hope that by doing what she wants I might get what I am so desperate for. There is no other way my dreams will ever come true.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Perhaps you could imagine somebody there with you now, spurring you on and encouraging you to resist Edie now. Who would that somebody be?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 29 October 2005 : 18:35:13</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Umm do you really need to ask who that would be? She is the one reason I have not quite given up completely, even though I feel so close to it at times.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
*Although Edie might not have delivered on her promises so far, what else have I got to hope for? She at least offers me some hope that by doing what she wants I might get what I am so desperate for. There is no other way my dreams will ever come true.*
From what source is this hope fuelled ?
There is not one shred of evidence at all, that by following any of Edies warped ideas that your emotional issues/attachments will be helped.
You know the complete reverse to be true Karen.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Hi Meg
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">From what source is this hope fuelled ?
There is not one shred of evidence at all, that by following any of Edies warped ideas that your emotional issues/attachments will be helped.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 29 October 2005 : 19:12:50</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
From the fact that there is no other hope that my emotional needs will be be met.
On the slim chance I could recover now I would lose my contact with K, whereas Edie keeps convincing me there is still hope that she might come to me or look after me if I am 'good enough' to deserve it. That means not eating and being the weight Edie wants me to be.
Maybe this is false hope but the added incentive is that I feel better about myself when I don't eat. Right now I despise myself totally for giving in and eating food that I shouldn't have.
How do I really know that Edie isn't right anyway? I might get that one chance to be with K, or at least spend a little time with her if I keep doing what Edie wants.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I can't eat anything now as I have just cleared out what little I usually keep in the house. Now Edie is happy that I will be able to do what she wants and fast until I have made up for eating this rubbish.
It is the only way to get back on track and I am desperate to do anything that has even the slightest chance of allowing my hopes and dreams to come true.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen,
If you were reading the last post and it wasn't about you what would you advise the person to do????
Edie is the incorrect voice in your system and the things she tells you to do will not bring happiness just a short lived bit of gratification. Ultimately Edie is willing you on to self destruct. You need to remember yet again that Edie is not going to lead you out of this, she is pulling you further in.
Try to resist her voice and do the right thing for Karen.
You will not lose K by resisting Edie (I think the reverse is true) and you may also make some good new friends along the way of getting better.
Big hug Piglet xxxxxxxxxx
Karen
I hope that you take heed of the advice offered by K and others on this forum.
Edie is your crock of gold, you are chasing rainbows, and will never get there if you try and keep to her advice.
K has advised a health care professional, which you agreed to see, and which helped you.
If K is so important to you, why do you ignore her advice and follow the guides issued by Edie, who is only steering you AWAY from K.
Why should K take time out to help you if you insist on following the thinking of Edie over her advice?????
You know that you are NOT doing yourself any good, and that you need to eat. K did not react well (understandably) to you taking diet pills last time. Why do you think that this will be so different this time? If you can't do it for you, then surely, after everything you have said about her, you can do it for K?
I really do feel that whilst you carry on down this route of self destruction, following the misguided advice of Edie, you cannot expect K to be there for you. Put yourself in K's shoes for a minute. She tries her best to help, and you ignore her advice and instead do what Edie says.
Why should she continue to try and help you, if you are not willing to do what she advices?
Please listen to the advice offered by those who care about you, and want the best for you, and to recover.
Whilst I appreciate that you have no wish to go into hospital, surely you can see that whilst you carry on this path of self destruction, others will see this as a necessary part of your recovery? If you do not want to be admitted into hospital, then can I suggest that you take control of your life, and if nothing else, get rid of the diet pills
Harsh words I know, but I really do have your best interests at heart Karen.
Love
Charlie
Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If you were reading the last post and it wasn't about you what would you advise the person to do????</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">This is not the first time this has been suggested and I know what I would advise someone else to do, and in fact the advice I have given others with eating disorders. However, it is completely different and easy to think rationally about someone else's situation. When it comes to my own I am just not able to apply those rational arguments.
Sometimes I can see the truth that K and everyone else is trying to hold me to and recognise that Edie is pulling me further into this and won't stop until I die. However, when I feel like I did yesterday and eating gets out of hand, I still believe it is preferable to follow Edie's path and remain in control, than to resist her and face the possibility of the situation going completely the other way.
I have read before that often during recovery from anorexia there is a period where eating might go out of control because of the strict restricting, starvation and denial of anything other than a very limited number of foods, but that this settles into a more normal eating pattern again. The trouble is I don't believe that it would even out and I can't handle the way I feel when I eat like that. I despise and hate myself completely. At least when I am restricting I feel a little better and thinkI am achieving something.
Yesterday I was in a constant state of panic and wanted to die because I was so full of self-hate. Today I am again in control and restricting and so feel calmer.
I know which in which state I prefer to be.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Charlie
Thanks for your reply. Even though what you have said is very difficult to read, I do realise it comes from a position of caring about me and wanting to help.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Edie is your crock of gold, you are chasing rainbows, and will never get there if you try and keep to her advice.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">Sometimes I can see this is the case and those are the (rare) occasions I do try to resist her and start to move more towards recovery. At other times I am so distressed and emotionally overwhelmed by either the absolutely unbearable way I feel after eating, or in general by my emotion state and the weight of my problems, that I do completely believe Edie's promises of love and happiness and I follow her in an attempt to find what she is offering. The rest of the time I realise on some level that Edie is making hollow promises that are not guaranteed to come true but I listen to her anyway because nothing else has ever led me to what I hope and dream of and I cannot see how things will ever be any different.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If K is so important to you, why do you ignore her advice and follow the guides issued by Edie, who is only steering you AWAY from K.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I really don't know much of the time. I guess it is because deep down I don't believe Edie is leading me away from K and that the way I am guaranteed to lose her is to head in the opposite direction to the one Edie is leading me.
I realise everyone is telling me that I could have a better relationship with K if I recovered, and that this would be a normal friendship not based on attachment or obsession, or starving myself in an attempt to get closer to her. But I am unable to see past the prospect of 'less contact', even if it is 'better and more normal contact'. This makes it very difficult to change or do anything differently because while I am ill I am receiving a high level of contact with her, sometimes even daily, even if it is only via messages. Starting to get better to my mind means losing this and having less contact.
Even though there is the prospect of other forms of contact and she has said there is the chance we could meet up if I were to be free from the emotional attachment to her, I cannot get past other comments she has made about 'normal friendships'. These include things like her telling me she has good friends she doesn't have any contact with for months or even years at a time. The prospect of that happening is too terrifying to even consider and therefore I cling on to what I have now, even though I do want more personal contact with her.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Why should K take time out to help you if you insist on following the thinking of Edie over her advice?????</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You're right of course. Why should she? I don't think I deserve her kindness. I don't think I deserve the help and support she gives me in spite of continuing to follow Edie instead of taking her advice. I have said this to her many times - or at least I did until she banned me from saying I don't deserve her help.
I totally agree with you and don't believe I deserve to have such a kind, caring and supportive friend on my side. She remains so patient with me no ma
Hi Karen
I realise that my post was going to be difficult to read, and glad that you fully understood that everything I put in it was because I, along with many others do actually care about what happens to you.
thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote, and to think about it.
I'm so glad to read your reply, as you are obviously a "different" person today.
I quite agree that your admission to hospital should be a voluntary issue, however, the point that I am trying to make is that OTHERS may not see it this way. To them, the only solution may be hospitalisation, and I was trying to make you see that some of your actions only make this more likely!
Maybe you should go to see your doctor and ask for some placebo drugs??? (LOL this is a laugh for anybody who doesn't get my ironic style sense of humour)
Lets hope tomorrow sees you in the same frame of mind that you are in today
Love
Charlie
Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!
Hi Charlie
Thank you for taking the time and trouble to write your first post in the first place. I do recognise that I have a lot of people here and on my other forum who care about me. I also realise that what you wrote was aimed at challenging my thoughts.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm so glad to read your reply, as you are obviously a "different" person today.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Had I read your post yesterday in the state I was in I would no doubt have gone straight in to negative interpretation mode and overreacted. Yesterday I felt dreadful. I was panicking and totally intent on self-destruction.
The fact that you notice a 'different me' from the one that posted yesterday highlights what I was saying about the way eating makes me feel so dreadful, panic-stricken and out of control, whilst restricting enables me to cope better and feel calmer and more in control.
This is another reason it is so hard to change things around and turn the control to eating rather than restricting. I am not able to feel in control when I eat.
I do also take your point about hospital admission and how others might take my actions as reason to force my admission. This is one reason why I am very reluctant to admit to some of my thoughts and actions to anyone who has the power to section me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Maybe you should go to see your doctor and ask for some placebo drugs??? (LOL this is a laugh for anybody who doesn't get my ironic style sense of humour)</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">LOL Charlie! Don't think it would work somehow if I knew they were placebos!;)
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
I'm not sure I can say I am feeling 'alright' but I am calmer than yesterday.
Although I emptied the cupboard and fridge yesterday - not that there was much in there anyway - I have been out to the supermarket today, just to buy some limited supplies of my 'safe foods'. As I mentioned earlier, in a calmer frame of mind I realise totally starving myself is only like to lead to what I dread, ie ending up in hospital. So I am now back to strict restriction instead.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Sometimes I would then storm out of the house (if I was at home and not work) and walk very vigorously round the streets for a while until I calmed down a bit. Is it possible for you to do something like that? Give yourself a little breathing space when you’re feeling particularly self-destructive.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That would take the ability to think rationally and objectively at the point when I am doing those things I guess. When I am in the state I was in yesterday, I just find it impossible and head straight towards self-destruction and ways of punishing myself. It would also mean making the effort to get dressed and leave the house and I rarely do this now unless I really need to.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just imagine for a moment that you were to wake up tomorrow morning and everything had changed. You felt happy with your life. You felt a sense of purpose and a reason to want to jump out of bed and embrace the new day full of hope. What would’ve had to change for that to come about?
So what would have had to change Karen?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Been there and done that with this 'exercise' several times!;) I know this is one of the exercises associated with solution-focused therapy and have done this before for K, my therapist and I have been asked in on the other forum.
Maybe I am now over-practised with it or just plain bored because the only things I am sure would make any difference are considered fantasising by everyone else. The trouble is I do base any hope I could find for recovery on someone else. I also know I am not going to wake up one morning and find that everything has changed for the better overnight. It just doesn't happen.
Sorry[:I]
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
The sense of purpose and meaning to your life does not have to be people related. Your goal could also be to get well enough to go out and get back into the workplace. This in turn could lead you to once again being in a position to buy your own house. Being back in the workplace could also lead to making more friends, which could in turn lead to a better social life.
What I am trying to say is that why can't a better life be your goal to getting better instead of a fantasy? A life full of routine ie having to get up at a certain time to get to work, gives much less time for thinking.
I know, due to the anorexia, this could all be way ahead in the future. But do you not think that this kind of aim would be achievable? I certainly think it is.
Kate
Hi Kate
Thanks for your reply. Although I realise that having a sense of purpose and meaning does not necessarily have to be related to a person, this is the only way I can see there being any meaning in my life.
I suppose to someone else the goal of being able to return to work of some description and even being able to buy a new home might be what would motivate them. The prospect of this doesn't motivate me and isn't enough to give my life meaning. The 'routine' you mention would just be that - a routine to distract myself from what I really desperately long for and will never have. It certainly wouldn't make up for it in any way.
All that matters in my life is K. I desperately need to be with her and need her love and attention. I fantasise about her because it is the only way I can meet this need in any way at all. The fact that she is in my life at all and my hopes and dreams that I might be with her or that she might come to me, is all that keeps me going. My fragile link to life is dependent on K, even though I know this is a terrible burden to place on her and I feel so terribly guilty about it. I really cannot find any other reason to carry on.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen,
How are you feeling today??
Have you heard anymore from your gp or is it too soon to hear??
Love Piglet x
Hi Piglet
No nothing from my doctor but I am due to see her again next week anyway.
I am not having a good day and feel in crisis again. Yesterday I felt so much calmer and in control as I was restricting and kept within my goal calorie intake.
Today I am experiencing cravings again and I am just so fed up of this. I don't want to be craving food and obsessing about it all the time. I feel like it is all spiralling out of my control and I have to get the control back somehow. I want to be on an even keel of consistently restricting like I was a couple of months ago. I was coping much better then.
Now I get so distressed because my body is trying to get me to eat and Edie doesn't want me to and it is like this battle going on, which is tearing me apart. I cannot give in and eat because I know how repulsed I will be with myself if I do. I'll then resort to laxatives and making my vomit to get rid of it. It is a thousand times worse when I eat. I can't give in.
Until now I have resisted Edie's attempts to get me to take extra diet pills, although I haven't been able to stop taking the normal dose. But now I am going to have to take another one and see if that makes my body shut up. I will do anything to stop myself from giving in and eating.
I need K right now. I'm just not coping today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Big hug!
Is there anything that could take your focus off eating and how you react to eating just to get a break from thinking about it all the time?
Do you feel like getting out and about at all, to say Jac or another friend. Could you go to the pictures or a bit of window shopping. Do you have the energy to do anything that may help distract you - abit like us lot when we have our panics or acute anxiety.
In some ways this is becoming the whole focus of your life as I felt my anxiety could easily do with me earlier this year. Do you feel like going into the chatroom for some distraction????
Sometimes if I feel I have spent too much of the day alone (while the kids are at school/college I make myself ring a mate and it nearly always makes me feel better as it breaks my thought pattern.
We all need new interests to keep us motivated - what sort of things do you enjoy doing??
Love Piglet :)
Hi Piglet
Thanks for your message. I do need to distract myself from thinking about food because then I can avoid eating.
It is difficult to find anything to do. Jac is the only friend I have locally and she is busy much of the time, so I don't get to see her or even talk to her very often.
I find it hard to motivate myself to go out. I don't even get dressed or leave my bedroom most of the time. I can't tear myself away from here because I'm looking out for K all day - and now panicking today that she hasn't been around.
The weather is miserable anyway and it has been raining all day. I don't really have the money to go anywhere or do anything, let alone the energy to go anyway.
I can't think of anything I do enjoy anymore. Nothing seems to interest me or be fun. I have only one hope and dream really and that is to meet K and spend some time with her. That is all I wish for now.
Sorry, I am feeling so low that I can't find the strength or will to keep trying. My life is meaningless and empty. I've had enough of this despair and anguish. I am tired of trying to pass the long tortuous hours of each and every day. I need K but can't be with her. I don't want to be alone anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Tonight I am really scared and panicking that something has happened to K. She hasn't been around all day which is unusual and I feel so sure she's been hurt or something bad has happened.
What if she is taken away from me? What if she never comes back? What if I never hear from her again? I am so scared I am going to lose her. I can't live without her:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
31-10-05, 21:00
Karen
K will be fine as you know deep down. She is probably away or working late.
You can live without her trust me.
Take care
Nicola
Thanks for your reply Nic. She is not away because she would have told me. I am sure something is wrong. I'm going to lose her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
31-10-05, 22:02
You won't lose her
Sometimes we don't feel like coming online everyday - I do this.
We just need time away from it all. Maybe she is doing that.
Please don't sit up all night waiting to hear from her - she will be back soon ok.
x
Nicola
This whole anorexia thing is not true. It's all a lie. There are people out there really suffering from this and they are true anorexics. I am too fat. I weigh too much and I eat too much.
I have been reading some stories of people who are really ill with this. I am nothing like that. I'm not ill and definitely don't need inpatient treatment anywhere. There is nothing wrong with me.
If I really had anorexia I wouldn't be eating at all, and particularly not like I did the other day. I would be losing weight and would not be so disgustingly fat. I can't even do this right. I am even failing at this. I am failing at being anorexic.
Until I can reach my target weight and not be such a pig and eat so much I will never realise my hopes and dreams. I am ruining everything for myself by not being good enough again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sorry Nic. I am just panicking because it's all going wrong. I can't stop thinking that she could be hurt or someone could take her away from me. I get scared when I don't see her around.
The only alternative is that she might choose to leave me and I can't even bear to think of that explanation.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
31-10-05, 22:29
Karen
You are not fat atall - in fact you look very ill to us. I know this is hard to accept but you do not look well atall. I know you can't see this but you do look so frail and we are all worried about you.
We want you to look well again.
Nicola
Hi Nic
Sorry you are all worried.
I don't feel frail and it is hard to accept that I am ill. I can't stop comparing myself to those who really are ill with anorexia and I feel a complete fraud in comparison.
I do feel so fat and I can see the fat increasing daily. I am just so distressed by this. It is like I am fighting a battle with food and every time I lose and eat something there is more fat deposited somewhere on my body and I can't handle it.
Don't know why I am such a state about it tonight as I have been restricting today, but I still believe every mouthful of food I consume takes me further from what I am so desperately hoping for. I just can't stand it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen. I have been keeping abreast of your e-mails and problems and I'm just checking in to simply leaned my support. I want to hear more from you (which I have seen on other threads) and less from this Edie. She dosen't sound particularly nice to me, especially if she dosen't get her own way.
All the very best Tulip
Thanks for your reply Tulip.
I don't think I am a very nice person or much use to anyone else right now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
I don't know K will be fine and anything could have happened to her. Just because she has been ok in the past doesn't mean she is fine now. I am still scared that I will lose her and I can't go on without her.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Is it really such a good idea to be reading some of those stories and web-sites?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It was a support forum but it still convinces me that I am a failure and can't even do this properly. I am too fat and I do weigh too much. There is no way I can be anorexic when compared to these other people.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You don’t need to suffer just to be ‘good enough’. You’re already good enough.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I do need to suffer. I need to punish myself because I am bad and deserve it. If my own mother rejected me and my dad tells me I should never even have been born then it just shows how worthless I am.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">One day when things have gotten out of control, when you’re really ill, I believe you will regret it. It’s hard to see this now but one day you will.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am sorry about your Dad and the regrets he had. However, I suppose it depends how much you believe your life is worth in the first place and whether you think there is anything to miss out on. I don't see anything to miss out on really. I have ruined my life and brought all of this on myself and what I am so desperate for I will never have.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It isn’t too late for you yet Karen, but one day it will be. And I know that when that day comes you too will wish you’d done things differently.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I guess that's a chance I will have to take but I don't see myself being sorry it's over, more like relieved. All I will wish I had done differently is not to have treated others so badly or hurt anyone along the way.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">This whole anorexia thing is not true. It's all a lie. There are people out there really suffering from this and they are true anorexics. I am too fat. I weigh too much and I eat too much.
I have been reading some stories of people who are really ill with this. I am nothing like that. I'm not ill and definitely don't need inpatient treatment anywhere. There is nothing wrong with me.
If I really had anorexia I wouldn't be eating at all, and particularly not like I did the other day. I would be losing weight and would not be so disgustingly fat. I can't even do this right. I am even failing at this. I am failing at being anorexic.
Until I can reach my target weight and not be such a pig and eat so much I will never realise my hopes and dreams. I am ruining everything for myself by not being good enough again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 31 October 2005 : 22:06:26</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hi karen, i dont think ive ever chatted to you before but i have been following your posts with concern (and hope!) for some time.
Your post really worried me, you seemed to be in denial about anorexia when you wrote it, and even talk about other, more severely anorexic, people with some sort of admiration. You are not fat, you're skeletal, we can see the real you and somehow you cant and are unable to. This must make it really hard to accept what we say, but honestly, i have never seen anyone as thin, frail and as fragile as you look in the photos of the meet-ups.
realising your hopes and dreams is not inextricably linked to your weight, your quality of life is, the thinner and more frail you get the less activities you can enjoy, and you'll be more dependant on K as a crutch.
Im sure that all the people who use this forum follow your posts with concern, and hope that you will recover, we are all here for you and collectively wish you well. From the outside it is easy to judge without considering that there is a distressed person involved so i hope im not offending you!
'Edie' as you call her seemed to take over completely when you made the above post. Personifying anorexia is something ive never come across before and i read the link in one of your previous posts about another sufferer with interest. Im obviously glad that she recovered but treating the anorexia as another personality inside her of which she had no control over worried me. The only person restricting food intake was her, she was not diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, displacing the 'blame' for restrictive behaviours onto something or someone who doesnt seem to exist prevents the acceptance of the disease and allows a 'get out clause' for when purging happens.
What im trying to say is that it must be easier to fight something like this if you accept that your thoughts and your behaviours are perpetuating the problem and not those of a phantom being inside of you. Only you can control your thoughts and actions, (except in extreme cases of mental disorder) acting in a passive way and shifting the responsibility surely cannot be the way forward. Attributing all bad behaviours to a different 'person' means that you have no control over what you do, if you accept that your behaviour was a direct result of your own thoughts and actions, then you can be proactive in changing those patterns. There is little hope of changing the thoughts and behaviours of someone who you have no control over!
(thats just a general statement, not specific to you, or a criticism, just a general rambling of thought! And i mean 'you' in the general sense, not you pe
Hi Alice
Thank you for your post and your concern.
It is so difficult to explain the way I am feeling right now but if believing that I am too fat and weigh too much to be anorexic is being 'in denial' then I guess I am. I cannot help but feel that I am failing at this too, whereas a while ago I felt in control and restricting and losing weight helped me feel better about myself. Whenever I eat anything that is not allowed, or eat too much, I really cannot handle it and am tormented by my thoughts.
When I was struggling earlier today I logged onto a forum for eating disorders (one that encourages recovery) and it just made me feel more of a fraud and convinced me that I cannot be anorexic. It is true that I do admire those who are retricting or starving successfully and are lower weights than me because this is what I continue striving to achieve but now believing I am failing at.
Other people tell me that I am not fat, however when I look at myself I can see rolls of fat and I also can see the fat increasing now. I realise no one really want to hear this but unless I can see all my bones then I feel fat. If I see any evidence of fat anywhere then it is too much and I have to get rid of it. You said I look frail and fragile in the photos of the meet ups but I don't see that at all and I now I can see yet more fat and that I have become so repulsively bigger since the last photo was taken.
I believe I am dependent on K irrespective of my weight but Edie does make me believe that the way I am heading is the way to get closer to K and to find the love and happiness I am so desperate for. I cannot possibly consider a future without K.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Personifying anorexia is something ive never come across before and i read the link in one of your previous posts about another sufferer with interest. Im obviously glad that she recovered but treating the anorexia as another personality inside her of which she had no control over worried me. The only person restricting food intake was her, she was not diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, displacing the 'blame' for restrictive behaviours onto something or someone who doesnt seem to exist prevents the acceptance of the disease and allows a 'get out clause' for when purging happens.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This idea of 'naming' the behaviour is common and a way of deliberately attempting to separate the behaviour from the person. The suggestion for me to name Edie came from K (who is a therapist). The idea of separating the behaviour like this is a way of being able to visualise what the person is fighting against, ie anorexia. If someone sees their identity as being 'anorexic' it is harder to resist and fight against it because that means fighting themselves. It is difficult to explain this and K explained it in a way that made perfect sense. Essentially she said in order to defeat the 'enemy' you have to first know who the enemy is.
I do see what you are saying about avoidance but I think this would happen anyway.
It is all rather academic seeing as I don't really think I am thin enough to be anorexic. I have far too much weight still to lose and need to reach my perfect target weight.
You haven't offended me by the way.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen
Thanks for explaining the 'naming' to me, it makes much more sense now! How are you feeling this morning?
I just wanted to point something out to you
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I do need to suffer. I need to punish myself because I am bad and deserve it. If my own mother rejected me and my dad tells me I should never even have been born then it just shows how worthless I am.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 01 November 2005 : 01:31:21</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Telling someone you are supposed to love and care for that you wish they had never been born is awful and cruel. Im sure that you yourself have never said that to another person. That just shows you that you are a good person who wouldnt want to hurt anyone else, you are not the 'bad' person in this situation. Someone who can reject their child and say such awful things to them is the one that deserves to feel guilty and worthless.
Hope youre feeling better this morning
x
Hi Karen,
Not sure what to say this morning other than you are lovely person and it is really sad to see you going through this.
Please consider giving the doctor a ring today and telling her how you are feeling, as I am so worried about you.:(
Hugs
Piglet
Hi Alice
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Telling someone you are supposed to love and care for that you wish they had never been born is awful and cruel. Im sure that you yourself have never said that to another person. That just shows you that you are a good person who wouldnt want to hurt anyone else, you are not the 'bad' person in this situation. Someone who can reject their child and say such awful things to them is the one that deserves to feel guilty and worthless.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Alice - 01 November 2005 : 09:54:35</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks for your reply and your comments.
I'm just not able to get past this issue I guess or stop blaming myself and believing it must be that I am so bad that my own parents think so little of me.
If my own parents are unable to love me why would anyone else?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Piglet
Sorry to be causing concern to you or anyone. I'm just feeling very low and struggling.
I am seeing my doctor next week and don't want to go back before then or feel the need. It is safer to stay away really.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
Just caught up with your post, i know how you are struggling and if i can offer any help you know where i am. Even if just to talk i will call you.
Take care and hope we can speak soon.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Thanks for your support Sal.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi karen,
Just saying good morning:)
Love Piglet
Hi Karen,
Has your computer/internet access finally gone on the blink like mine did???
Hope you are ok and we hear from you soon!!!
Love Piglet:)
hi Karen,
Just checking in on the forum and catching up with posts..
I am so so sad that you have been really struggling these past couple of days..
You had been so strong lately and you seem to be having a blip from the damn anorexic thoughts..
The forums you have been reading about other anorexia sufferers seemed to have fogged your view of your own struggle with this disease. You have anorexia. You need help. that is the bottom line. I have met you and you are not fat. If you believe yourself to be fat, you must think I must be a complete hefalump!!
ok - honesty coming here.. when I met you, I found you to be kind, honest, compassionate, loyal and most of all strong.
The anorexic thoughts are trying so hard to ruin you, but they CANNOT take away who you are.
You are a good person. Your parents treatment of you has a lot to answer for and what they have done is wrong. If you had children would you treat them as you have been treated?
NO. in which case you know it is wrong.
Maybe their own parents treated them badly too and thats the only way they learnt?
You are a good person and very worthy to be here just as much as anyone.
Keep becoming that strong person I know you are.
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Karen,
Just to say "Hello", as I do think of you even though I haven't posted here lately.
Hope to see you back soon, and that you will go and see your doctor very soon. I too share Piglet's concern for you - I'm sure there is a way forward for you that you can find acceptable.
Be Strong
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Good morning,
How are things today karen, are you not able to get on because of the computer, if so then I hope it gets sorted soon as we miss you.
Love Piglet :)
Hi Piglet and Lisa
Thank you for your kind messages of support. Sorry I haven't been around for a while to reply.
Lisa:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The forums you have been reading about other anorexia sufferers seemed to have fogged your view of your own struggle with this disease. You have anorexia. You need help. that is the bottom line.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I have times when I truly doubt that I have anorexia because I do believe I eat too much and weigh to much to be truly anorexic. I realise making comparisons with others probably is not helpful but it is so hard not to do this. I don't often go on eating disorder forums because there can be this 'competition' element to postings, even when people's weights are not allowed in the posts.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I have met you and you are not fat. If you believe yourself to be fat, you must think I must be a complete hefalump!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No I don't think you are a hefalump!!! I do, however, see myself as being fat, even though no one else agrees with me. It is part of the illness I guess but makes it so hard to eat because of panic about getting fatter and gaining weight.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The anorexic thoughts are trying so hard to ruin you, but they CANNOT take away who you are. You are a good person.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thank you Lisa. I don't often feel like I am a good person; in fact I feel the opposite. Sometimes I don't even know who 'I' am anymore. It is like the anorexia has taken over completely and has pushed me out.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Keep becoming that strong person I know you are.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Right now I don't feel very strong, even if other people see strength in me.
I haven't been feeling too well this last week, although I am a little better today and made myself get dressed and go out for a short walk. Much of my time has been spent in bed because I have been so very tired and experiencing lots of migraines and other physical symptoms.
Yesterday I had my regular weigh-in with my doctor and now just feel more scared of what is going to happen. She is very supportive and kind but there is a limit to what she can do to help. She has written to the PCT to request funding for treatment for me at the private clinic, but said because it would not just be a one-off appointment and would involve long term treatment she is not particularly hopeful that funding will be approved. She said the decision could go either way.
Meanwhile, she warned me that I am sailing dangerously close to the cut-off point at which the psychiatrist told my doctor to arrange a Mental Health Act review, which would lead to me being sectioned. I had lost a bit of weight this time - only 1kg but this takes me back down to my lowest recorded weight again. She told me I need to try my best to eat a bit more and maybe the threat of being sent into hospital will motivate me - terrify me more like.
I think she is overreacti
:D:D:D:D:D
Again, welcome back!
I do hope you can try and keep at this weight Karen then you won't have to go into hosp and I hope you also get the funding for the treatment that you wouldn't mind so much having a try at.
Big hug and its lovely to have you back :D
Love Piglet :)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thanks Piglet.
I wish I could believe I can maintain this weight. I do try but then the amount I am eating gets to me and I feel fat again... then I restrict.
At the moment I wish I had never sought any help on the NHS because then I wouldn't be facing hospital admission. I really just want them to leave me alone.
My doctor is very caring and supportive but her hands are tied and she doesn't know what else she can do. She asked me if there is anything she can do that would help but I really can't think of anything. I just need to avoid the weigh-ins.
BTW Thanks Ray for your message too. I missed it when I posted earlier.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Tonight I am so so tired. I hardly slept last night again and despite trying to stay up all day today to give me more chance of sleeping tonight, I don't think I can manage it.
I was just about to go for a nap when another firework display started. That's every night for the last 2 weeks now. Anyway, I am so tired I think I'll have to go to bed for a while anyway and stick some music on or something.
Today I have eaten a bit more than usual but now I am struggling with the way I feel because of it. In addition to my safe foods, I've had a banana and some yoghurt.
Now I am feeling bloated though and very fat. I am very very tempted to take some laxatives but am trying to resist. It is so hard because I just hate the way I feel when I have eaten and have food inside me.[xx(]
Sorry, I guess I just needed to say I am trying and at the moment am posting here rather than swallowing the laxatives[:I].
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
That's great Karen. You are trying so hard to fight this... keep it up! Do whatever you have to do to stop yourself taking them.
Glad to hear you have eaten something, particuarly something outside your normal safe foods.
Another positive post Karen, I am so pleased for you.
Keep resisting the laxatives and keep up the good work!!
Tammy x
Very well done on both the banana and Yoghurt !!
Nutritional and sensible choices
Meg x
Thank you Tammy and Meg for both your support and encouragement.
My problem at the moment is trying to avoid self-abusive action because I am actually feeling terrible for having eaten the food. The battle with Edie is in full swing. I now feel fat and am panicking that I have eaten too much.
I know taking laxatives is stupid and I know I am only causing myself physical damage, but how can I stop myself from giving in to Edie's rants about this? I tried to sleep for a while to escape her but it isn't working.
I am scared I will end up giving in. How can I stop myself?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Just keep doing what you are doing Karen. Keep youself busy and occupied.
*I know taking laxatives is stupid *
There you go, Karen is winning over Edie, that's all you need to know. You won't give in because you are getting stronger, you are gaining control.
Tammy x
Thanks for the support Tammy and Nigel.
Nigel: Edie is gaining in strength now and won't shut up. I am trying to hold on to something K said yesterday to help me block Edie out but right now I am upset again and taking those laxatives is so very tempting. It is like it will take the emotional hurt away. Being physically ill or hurting is easier to deal with than the emotional pain.
It is fairly safe around here I guess but I wouldn't want to go out walking on my own. I get too scared of who might be out there. It is difficult to explain... I just would feel like I am in danger.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sorry, it was too late. I already caved in and took them[:I]
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Giving in now because of those memories isn’t giving in to Edie – it’s giving in to all those people who’ve treated you so badly in the past. They’ve already taken so much from you, it would be so sad to allow them to take any more.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 10 November 2005 : 23:32:58</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I suppose hurting myself physically is easier for me to cope with than the emotional pain. It is just that I am dishing the punishment out to myself now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I haven't slept, not helped really because I have been frequently rushing to the bathroom which is my own fault for taking laxatives. I don't really care though because I want to feel empty and it is worth being ill to get rid of everything inside me.
I am also feeling sick so don't want to eat anyway. I wish I could starve completely and not have to even think about food.
Just wish this migraine would go though and I don't really need a cold on top of everything else. I know it is only a cold but I don't want anything to appear to affect my health more than it is already or give my doctor any reason for extra concern. I cannot let her put me in hospital.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Tonight I still feel fat. I don't think the laxatives have done enough because I don't feel empty enough. I need to feel completely empty because it is kind of like a process of making myself pure so that maybe the badness might go. Maybe I need to take more of them.
I am experiencing food cravings tonight but I am not going to give in to them. I have to starve myself. I will only drink water and that is all I can have. If this continues I might have to take extra diet pills. I cannot give in and eat. I need to be good so K might get in touch. Yesterday was a mistake and now no contact for the second day.
I need to lose weight and now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
11-11-05, 22:02
Karen
Please go steady on the diet pills - they contain a lot of caffeine I believe which will make you feel worse.
I know it is hard but try not to take anymore please.
K will be in touch if you eat as well you know that.
Nicola
Hi Nic
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Please go steady on the diet pills - they contain a lot of caffeine I believe which will make you feel worse.
<div align="right">Originally posted by nomorepanic - 11 November 2005 : 22:02:27</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Not these ones I don't think. They are not the common ones you can get anywhere.
I am trying to avoid taking any more today but I need to lose this weight. I still feel so fat from yesterday and can see that I am.
I'm also worried about K. Think I have gone a bit over the top because I am so desperate to hear from her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
11-11-05, 22:30
Karen
I know it is none of my business but aren't these diet pills quiet expensive as well? You don't need them trust me.
You are not fat ok - I know you can't see that but I am hoping that the more we tell you the more you may believe.
What did K say in her last email - was it a polite one or a telling off one?
Nicola
Hi Nic
Yes the pills are expensive but I have quite a large supply as I bulk ordered last time.
I realise people keep telling me I'm not fat but that's not what I see. I can't help it - I see loads of fat everywhere and can feel it. I don't know what can convince me that it's not true.
[qupte]What did K say in her last email - was it a polite one or a telling off one?
<div align="right">Originally posted by nomorepanic - 11 November 2005 : 22:30:04</div id="right">
[/quote]
It was a polite one but that was on Wednesday. She's not been in touch since then and my messages to her have been getting more desperate. Maybe I've gone too far this time.
I think I have ruined everything and I'm totally distraught.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
12-11-05, 00:26
Karen
I am worried about how long you can continue like this. It can't be good for you and I am worried that you see no future ahead.
If K and the anorexia were to disappear what would you really like to do?
Don't say you can't live without either cos I think you can and I think you are stronger than you like to admit.
Are you prepared to give up your life to anorexia cos I don't believe it is a nice death? Please do something soon to change things cos you can't carry on like this and it is so sad to see you don't care
Nicola
Hi Nic
I am sorry I am worrying you. The only extent it worries me is from a point of view of staying out of hospital. I don't think there is any reason I need to eat.
I wish I could tell you I see a future but I really don't.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If K and the anorexia were to disappear what would you really like to do?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well I couldn't live without K as my reaction just proves. I don't want her to go away because I need her.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Are you prepared to give up your life to anorexia cos I don't believe it is a nice death? Please do something soon to change things cos you can't carry on like this and it is so sad to see you don't care<div align="right">Originally posted by nomorepanic - 12 November 2005 : 00:26:10</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I really don't know. If it comes a choice between being sectioned and therefore kept awy from K then I would see living as being the act of torture. I can't keep even trying to eat without her.
I don't know what I can do to change or find a reason to want to live apart from being with k.
Sorry if this is muddled I think the sleep meds are kicking in. Can't cope with being up all night worrying about her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Feeling bad at the moment. Very upset and distressed, and I can't face doing anything except lying in bed. I feel like I've lost K and will never hear from her again.
I am on a fast now and have not eaten anything in the past 24 hours. This is the only way I can feel some kind of self-worth because I am so terrible I don't deserve K.
I need to keep this up until I have lost the weight I need to lose. I need to avoid eating anything until I reach Edie's target. All that I can allow myself is water. Hunger helps to block out some of the emotional pain. I can't handle the way I am feeling right now. Just want to sleep and not wake up.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen,
Sorry you're feeling so bad this morning.
Just wanted to remind you of a very wise quote I once read:;)
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Think about it (I'm sure you have already) and take care.
Tammy x
Morning hun,
So sorry you are feeling this way - just remember though only a very short while ago how you had the strength to go to a party!!!
You have hidden strengths there that you tap into now and again but they are there all the time for you to utilise.
You do have so much to live for because you have so much to offer other people - it would be such a waste not to use this kindness inside you, what a shame for us too if you were no longer around.
Love
Your friend Piglet x
nomorepanic
12-11-05, 14:51
Karen
I am only worried because I care and I don't know what to do and say that really helps.
I am not angry at you so don't think that please I just want to see something in the future for you that is tangible and attainable.
Hope you feel ok today?
Nicola
Hi Tammy
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just wanted to remind you of a very wise quote I once read:;)
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<div align="right">Originally posted by tammyg - 12 November 2005 : 11:29:41</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks for your post.
I have that as my signature to try to remind me that I need to find happiness within myself but unfortunately it doesn't work. Logically I might know this is true but I can't actually do it. The only time I glimpse happiness is when I fantasise about being with K[:I]
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Piglet
I don't feel too strong at the moment and any fleeting moments of positive action don't last very long with me. I might occasionally take positive steps like facing my fear of socialising by attending that party, but generally I am not making any progress at all.
Although I want to be able to help other people, I am ashamed to say that this in itself is not enough to give me a reason to carry on. I wish it could be. Most of all I would dearly like to be able to fulfil the potential K believes she sees in me by becoming a therapist. I would love to be just like her. I just don't think I have it in me when it comes down to it and I need something more than this. I need K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nic
Thanks for your message. I know you care and I feel bad that I am causing so much worry. I very much value our friendship and don't want to do anything to ruin this.
I also do realise it is difficult to know what to say or how to help and that's ok. This isn't an eating disorders board and I know no one here has experience or specialist knowledge. I don't expect you or anyone here to 'fix' my problem, however the care and tremendous support does help.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I am not angry at you so don't think that please I just want to see something in the future for you that is tangible and attainable.
<div align="right">Originally posted by nomorepanic - 12 November 2005 : 14:51:13</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes, I realise that and I didn't think you were angry with me, maybe just a bit at a loss of what to say or suggest.
I guess maybe it would have been better if I had read your original question as asking me what I would like to do if the attachment to K and anorexia disappeared, rather than thinking you were asking what I would do without K altogether.
This is still a difficult question to answer because I find it so difficult to imagine a time when I will not feel the way I do about her. However, without the attachment issue, I would like to believe that I could have a normal, healthy and special friendship with her, one in which we could both be relaxed. I just don't see this ever actually happening.
I don't know what I would do without the anorexia either because although I know this makes me act in a way that is damaging my health, I think if I didn't have anorexia there would be some other equally damaging behaviour I would develop instead. It is a symptom of the emotional distress and mental anguish I am experiencing. Hurting myself with the anorexic behaviour is I suppose just another form of self-harm. It is just that this one is more dangerous than any forms of self-harm I've practised in the past.
I am ok today thanks, well as ok as I can be - just tired and I still have a migraine. I have heard from K though so I am feeling better about that.
I have not eaten anything today and am now almost 48 hours into my fast. I am hungry but trying to ignore these feelings because I know I will hate myself for giving in now. I've read that appetite and hunger diminishes after day 3, so one more day to go.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
Thanks for your reply.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">why does it have to be ‘or’ ? Could it instead be ‘and’ ? It’s obvious how important K is, and that she gives you a reason for living. So instead of considering something to replace that with, what about leaving things just the way they are but try to find something else ‘as well as’. It might provide something else to distract and to focus on when K isn’t around. How’s about resurrecting that counselling course again?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 12 November 2005 : 15:30:48</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I appreciate the idea and it is certainly true that I cannot give up K. She is my only reason for living.
As for finding something else as well as K, I just don't know what that something could be. Nothing will ever be as important as K is to me, or make up for her not being around.
I have made attempts at different times to start the counselling course but I am not able to concentrate long enough to really get anywhere with it. Also from what I know now, I don't think it is the right course to take me where I would want to go with this. There is a big difference between counselling and psychotherapy (like K does) - which is more what I would want to do if I could. There are too many practical elements to the course which prevent me from being able to do it though.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
12-11-05, 21:33
Karen
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I have not eaten anything today and am now almost 48 hours into my fast. I am hungry but trying to ignore these feelings because I know I will hate myself for giving in now. I've read that appetite and hunger diminishes after day 3, so one more day to go.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Please don't do this I am begging you not to.
Nicola
Hi Nigel
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think you know that those aren’t very sensible thoughts to be having.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I can't help it. It makes me feel better.
I do see what you are saying about having another focus to distract me from thinking about K all the time, but nothing is sufficient to stop me from thinking about her. Even when I do go out, like when I spend the day at Jill's office, I am still thinking about K all the time.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I can’t help feeling that that’s one of the main obstacles to your recovery – that isolation.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Maybe it doesn't help but I don't see what I can do about it. I am isolated and nothing will change that.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Does it really matter if that particular course isn’t quite suitable for what you’d like to one day achieve.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It doesn't occupy my mind though because it isn't very interesting and not the kind of approach I believe in.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">That was just the first thing that sprung to mind, but I’m sure there must be other things that you could spend some of your day at. You never know, from an idle pastime may flourish some new passion that you’d never have dreamt of. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I have tried to think of hobbies before but there isn't anything I am sufficiently interested in doing. The only other interest I have at present is the time I spend answering posts, more so on my other forum.
When I went to the party last week I was talking to Ally about the Diploma course. The next one starts in January though and I am not anywhere near ready to be able to do it. I did think about starting to read some of the course books, but I can't concentrate on anything for very long, buying books costs money and if I did ever take the course the books are included in the course fee then so it would be a waste getting them now. The local library doesn't have them either.
I can't think of anything else really and apart from the time I spend on the computer, I am usually so tired that I end up in bed resting.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nic
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Please don't do this I am begging you not to.
<div align="right">Originally posted by nomorepanic - 12 November 2005 : 21:33:53</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Please don't say that. Now I am feeling guilty. This is something I feel I have to do and I am fine. It isn't affecting me at all. I am still drinking plenty of water.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
What about music, Karen - do you play CD's to enjoy, relax and distract?
But more importantly, can I ask you, to urge you to break that fast tomorrow? Consider who is more important to please - Edie or K, not to mention Jac and all your many friends here.
Please think about it, and at least have a small bite to eat.
You have been feeling so negative and weak for such a long time, I can understand why you do not see a future. But there is one there, and you can be happy. We all deserve it and that includes you too.
But you need to take those steps first.
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thanks for your reply Ray.
I do listen to music but sometimes it makes me more upset by making me recall painful memories, or songs I relate to being with K, or rather wanting to be with and not being able to.
I want to please K obviously. I want to be with K but I can't. I don't want to hurt anyone but fasting is helping me cope better at the moment
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Please think about it, and at least have a small bite to eat.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">That 'small' bite would ruin it though.
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense. I think the Zopliclone is kicking in and I need to go to bed.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I am fine today and don't feel the need to eat. At the moment I don't even feel that hungry. Last night was quite hard to remain focused and fast, but this morning doesn't feel too bad.
This is going to be day 3 of my fast and for once Edie is encouraging me, rather than harassing me like she does when I eat. I need to stick to this until I get to the point where she is happy and fulfils her promises.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen, (or should I say Edie now as she is so obviously winning today)!!!
This fast thing sounds utterly alarming and I can't think K would like this at all so I am not sure what you could be gaining from it?????
Karen the thoughts in your head you do not have to obey but I'm now so scared for you, as if you carry on this way you will defiately end up in hospital.
Please break the fast and listen to the sensible you!!!
Nigel is absolutely right about distraction I would be tearing my hair out if I didn't have other interests - what about something creative?
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">This fast thing sounds utterly alarming and I can't think K would like this at all so I am not sure what you could be gaining from it?????</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No K doesn't think me fasting is good and said it is further evidence that I am completely delusional where this is concerned.
I'm not delusional though, just desperate.
Maybe I shouldn't talk about this anymore on here as I don't want to worry anyone. I am just so very distressed right now and I can't cope with feeling like this. Allowing Edie to take control and avoiding eating is the only way I can deal with it.
I'm really sorry. I just need to be with K and this is all I can think about. I can't even describe how much I need her and I can't face the prospect of it never happening. I just can't:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning hun,
Please tell us what we can do to help.
I don't worry when I hear you are maintaining but I do feel concerned, very concerned, about the fasting as I don't know where it will end - will you be like the incredible shrinking woman (although don't want you to have to fib too, not to worry me)
I so want to support you and for you to get your life back on an even keel - please tell me how??????
Big squeeze.
Piglet xx
Hi Piglet
Thanks for your reply. I don't know what to say. I really do appreciate your kindness and support. I don't know what will help - well apart from what I can't have.
I don't want to lie but I don't want to cause more concern by saying what I am or am not eating, or whether or not I am losing weight.
Today is tough because I am more distressed than usual about K. She hasn't been in contact on the last two Mondays and I am worried the same will be true of today. It makes it harder to make the effort to do anything.
I should be ringing the letting agents about the flat to rent but I can't face ringing them. I should be chasing up my solicitors about my house sale but I don't feel able to do that either. There are a mountain of things I need to do around the house but I have no energy to do them.
If you want the truth I am not feeling too good today, not really ill but just very tired and I hardly have enough energy to get out of bed. This is all my own fault though. The longer I go without eating, the harder it is becoming to start again. I originally only planned to fast for a couple of days to lose the weight I felt I had gained through panic eating last week, but now I want to get to the target Edie has been pushing me towards for ages and I don't feel I can stop fasting until I get there.
I wish I knew how to stop. The only thing that could help would be to be with K and I know that's totally unreasonable for me to want this. I just don't know what else to do.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sue K with 5
14-11-05, 12:26
Hi Karen
I am sorry you feel this way today, this morning when I got out of bed it took all my energy to drag myself into the car and out to the nursery, could be because its cold, but it could be because I know I have things that I have to face up to as well today that I dont want to do !
You are under a lot of stress and pressure in many directions and you have to eat to keep the strength going so that you can achieve some good things in your life!
K is going to be so proud of you once you have moved and started to find some positive things in your life !
Look upon all these changes as positive ones and not negative and please honey evn if it is a bowl of soup and some bread today Eat something to keep your strength up !
If I could give you the answers to solve all these awful feelings I would do .
You can do this Karen ! and K needs to see this in you as well !
Please honey one bowl of soup today is your goal at least try it ! and then once you have done that you might feel more up to facing the other things you have to do !
Take care for now
Love always
Sue with 5
scknight
Thanks for the reassurance Nigel. I just don't want to upset anyone or cause any problems.
I don't know how I can break this because I don't feel able to take one mouthful of food now. All I am doing is drinking water.
I really need to hear from K. I now have more stress about moving. I am scared and don't know what to do.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Sue
Thanks for your message. How are you feeling now? It is very cold and I am sitting right by the radiator. I have only moved from my bed to the computer (in the same room).
All the extra stress at the moment isn't helping and just causes me to despair more. I don't feel able to sort any of the mess out and wish someone would take over and help me with the house move at least. In a couple of weeks I really could be homeless.
I am sorry but I can't face a bowl of soup - not that I have any here anyway and I don't have the energy to go out anywhere. I think I might faint if I tried to.
This is so hard. I just want to go back to bed and sleep.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sue K with 5
14-11-05, 12:56
Hi Karen
I am doing ok thank you for asking !! I have to ask this and you dont have to reply but when was the last time you actually ate something ! How about ordering something in from a take away place hun! If you feel Faint its because your energies are so low, at least have a cup of sweet tea that will heed off the dizziness !
Fight this Karen you can beat it ! you deserve better than this and you know we are all here for you and behind you.
If you need anything just Pm me ok
Please just eat a little today, otherwise you will have no energy at all andif you become homeless give me a shout I have a spare bed for you anytime
Sue with 5
tc xxxx hugs xxxx
scknight
Would you consider a kind of lucozade drink to help you get a little energy or those special dirolite drinks (not how you spell it I know).
Have you told Jac or any of the other friends how you are feeling - the only frustrating thing about this site is how far we are all from each other. If we were local we could all pitch in and help in a practical way.
I guess though if we were all local and could help each other more you wouldn't be feeling like you do would you cos you would have an abundance of mates then.
The trouble with not eating is how lethargic it makes us feel and if you have no energy its very difficult to do the day to day stuff that we need to do.
Like Nigel says its not a tearing out our hair sort of worry more of a compassion thing really.
Also this is a new one for me as I have never been a member of any forum before of any kind and so any help needed to give people I've always been on the spot so to speak.
Do any members live near Karen - would it be too scary to have a meet up in your area that was a helping you move sort of meet up??
Love Piglet :)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Sue
I am glad you are doing ok.
Thank you so so much for your lovely message. I feel overwhelmed by your kindness. I just wish I could do something to help myself when I have such good friends here trying to help me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I have to ask this and you dont have to reply but when was the last time you actually ate something !</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I was avoiding saying because I didn't want to cause further concern, but since you've asked I haven't eaten anything since Thursday night.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">How about ordering something in from a take away place hun!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Even if I did I wouldn't be able to eat it. I know fasting isn't good but the longer it goes on the harder it is getting to stop. Maybe I need someone to be here to encourage me to eat but then I might just get more distressed and it's not fair to ask. The only person I could ask would be Jac and I don't want her to know that things are this bad. I know she worries enough as it is.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">andif you become homeless give me a shout I have a spare bed for you anytime </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks Sue. You might regret saying that as there is a very real possibility I will be homeless!
Karen x
Hi Piglet
Lucozade contains calories though and so do those other drinks (I'm not sure how you spell it either!). I don't have anything like that here anyway.
No, I haven't told Jac how I am feeling because I don't want to worry her. She is the only friend I have living locally enough to be able to help.
Possibly you are right that my isolation doesn't help and it is a shame we all live so far apart. At times like these I really miss not having support from my family and this is just fuelling my desperation to be with K.
I suppose at this moment it is practical help I need as much as anything but I am not good at asking for help - apart from asking K and I am so ashamed that I keep pleading with her to come and help me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Do any members live near Karen - would it be too scary to have a meet up in your area that was a helping you move sort of meet up??</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I doubt a 'helping me move meet-up' would be much fun for anyone! I was discussing with Meg about arranging a meet-up down this way at one point but I am struggling enough to get through the next hour at the moment and don't think I can take it on.
It would be lovely to meet some of my friends from here. I am not much use to anyone like this though.
Karen x
Mate,
This is exactly when we do need each other!!!
Why don't you give Jac a try (I have never yet reached out for help when the chips were down and had anyone say get lost).
Like you though I have trouble asking in the first place but I think in 99% of us that wanting to help is there waiting to be utilised.
After all if you could help you would wouldn't you. If you lived nearer me I bet you would have happily accompanied me on some walks to get me out again!!!
Love Piglet :)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Karen what part of england are you in? Im in south west and if youre anywhere near me would be happy to come visit you!
xx
Hi Piglet
I doubt Jac would say no if I asked but I don't want to worry her by telling her how bad things are at the moment. I've just spent the afternoon in bed.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If you lived nearer me I bet you would have happily accompanied me on some walks to get me out again!!!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 14 November 2005 : 14:52:33</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I would but I still have difficulty asking for help.
I don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel awful physically and yet I still can't bring myself to eat anything. It is like if I give in now and eat one crumb of food I am failing and throwing everything away. But at the same time I don't want to make myself so ill that I end up in hospital which is the very thing I have been fighting so hard to avoid.
I feel good in one way because my stomach is so empty and even the rumbling has stopped now. I am still hungry but it is like I feel this need to punish myself by not allowing myself to eat anything.
Don't know what to do anymore. And K hasn't been around all day either and so I am panicking about that too.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Alice
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Karen what part of england are you in? Im in south west and if youre anywhere near me would be happy to come visit you!
xx
<div align="right">Originally posted by Alice - 14 November 2005 : 17:36:03</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That's a really kind offer. I'm in the south east.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
I doubt Jac would say no if I asked but I don't want to worry her by telling her how bad things are at the moment. I've just spent the afternoon in bed.
[quote]<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 14 November 2005 : 17:38:42</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I would feel awful though if one of my friends felt really bad and didn't get in touch with me - don't deny her the chance to help.:(
Love Piglet xxxxxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet & Nigel
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">What would K be urging you to do at this moment? What have you got in the house that you can have just a small bite of?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
K would be encouraging me to eat something, even if it is only a couple of mouthfuls, but she's not here and hasn't been around all day again:(
I haven't got hardly anything in the house anyway and even if I could face it, don't think I should go anywhere. I feel very faint and am going to have to lie down again in a minute.
Jac can't really do anything and I will only cause her to worry if I ring her now. It is difficult for her to get away in the evenings because of her daughter and I don't think I can make it there. I know she would want to help and would want me to ask her but she is probably better off not knowing about this.
This is so hard. I know I need to eat something but I just can't. I even feel bloated tonight just from drinking water.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen if you dont eat anything tonight you are going to feel even more faint and unwell tomorrow, and be unable to go out to buy food. Even if you dont eat something tonight, please think about arranging something for tomorrow, whether its a friend popping ot the shops to get you something, or ordering food online. Maybe try something light and easy to digest like mashed potato or something, give your body a chance to get used to eating again.
Hope youre feeling better soon hun
xx
Hi Alice
Thanks for your well wishes.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Karen if you dont eat anything tonight you are going to feel even more faint and unwell tomorrow, and be unable to go out to buy food.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I know and part of the problem is that in some ways I don't care anymore. There is a battle raging inside me because part of me just wants to give up, but I am still trying to hold on to K and get better to make her proud of me.
Right now I am just trying to get through tonight. I don't know what will happen tomorrow.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Even if she hasn’t been around to say it, you can be sure that she’s still thinking it, and willing you on.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't know anymore. Is she? I have been in bed and all I can think about is being with K. I need to be with her. I need her to hold me and comfort me. I need to hear her voice.
What if she isn't thinking about me though? What if I am not special to her? I can't cope with the thought that we don't have a special relationship and she won't come. I need her so much tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Just saying nite nite Karen.
Even if Jac cant stay long maybe she could bring you a few supplies or could you do as suggested and order online.
See you in the morning hun.
Thinking about you.
Love Piglet
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thanks Piglet.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen
How are you feeling this morning? Hopefully youre feeling more positive today than yesterday, things always seem more bleak when its cold and dark, the sun is shining again here, hopefully it is for you too :-)
Let today be the day that you end your fast, i know it must be uncomfortable to eat anything if you havent eaten for a long time, but you can tell K how well youve done and it will be worth it, she will be pleased and so proud of you. And so will all of us!
take care
xx
How's it going mate??
Love Piglet x
Thanks for your messages. Nothing has really changed I'm afraid, except that I am even less able to do anything today. I got up for an hour this morning and then had to go back to bed again.
I did ring Jac this morning to ask if she could perhaps call round for a while sometime today but she is busy all day. She said I should have given her more notice and I know it is difficult for her with Millie and other commitments. She said I could go round there tomorrow night but I don't know. I hardly feel like being out of bed, let alone getting dressed and going out.
Alice - it is cloudy here today!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi hun,
Have you managed to eat anything at all today?
So cold here today.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Piglet
Thanks for your message. I haven't been out to find out if it is cold out but I have the heating on and have been wrapped up warm in bed most of the day.
I am feeling panicky now because I've eaten half a pot of yoghurt. Deep down I know I had to break my fast and eat if I want to stay out of hospital. K has encouraged me to eat today and even said she would like to hear from me today telling her I've eaten something. She doesn't usually ask me to send her messages.
Now I feel bloated and like I have failed by eating. I really hate this. I don't want to face this struggle every time I try to eat. It just feels like I am getting further away from what I desperately want and need by eating, even though I keep being told the opposite is true.
I need some help to keep going. I feel like I need to start fasting again but don't want to give up when it means I might never get to meet K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Now I feel bloated and like I have failed by eating. I really hate this. I don't want to face this struggle every time I try to eat.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Like everything else in the world of overcoming anything in the wide spectrum of anxiety conditions, it will be painful to do what is necessary, in your case, eat. You not only have the mental voices controlling you here, but your stomach has probably shrunk and so physically it will be more difficult for you.
If you are able to get more calories inside you, then eventually you will gain more strength. And that strength will enable you to do some of the things that you have mentioned recently, such as going up to London, dealing with the house move, and a visit to Jac.
But I think K would be overwhelmed if you could sustain and increase your food intake. I certainly would be, and I'm sure your other friends here would be so so happy too.
You have proved to us that you can go to a party and you have social phobia - now prove to us you can win this over.
The prize for you will be enormous.
Be Strong
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thanks for the encouragement Ray and Nigel.
Although I know I need to face my fear of eating it isn't simply about food and weight, but a lot of other issues too. The anorexia has invaded and taken over my whole life and I am not able to see a future without it anymore.
I do want to be strong enough to make it to London. Even feeling strong enough to visit Jac would be a start. I am going to see if she can help me sort out the mess I'm in with my house move and maybe make some calls for me. I suppose this is avoidance but I need some help or I will end up with nowhere to live.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">But I think K would be overwhelmed if you could sustain and increase your food intake.
<div align="right">Originally posted by clickaway - 15 November 2005 : 18:59:59</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well I hoped so and she said she would like to receive a message from me saying I have had something to eat today. However, she has since been on the forum and not read my message, so maybe it isn't that important after all. Now I feel like I shouldn't have eaten anything:(.
I know a lot of what I want from her and hope for is unrealistic, but I was hoping she might give me some encouragement to keep trying with this. I am still so close to the edge with giving up again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
Very well done on the yoghurt.
I know it must have taken an awful lot to break that dreadful, destructive fast but you have suceeded - so many congratulations indeed .
Onwards and regular small amounts of nutrition please.
Meg xx
Just saying nite nite.
A big squeeze for the yoghurt.
Love Piglet :)
Hi Meg
Thank you for your support and encouragement.
I am finding it hard to cope with the knowledge that I have broken my fast, even if it was making me ill. I am trying to see it as a positive step but at the moment it feels like failure.
Tonight I am also feeling upset because I thought I might hear from K but haven't. I realise I should be doing this for myself, yet I am not able to and so needed some encouraging words from her. It makes it harder to keep it going, although I am trying.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I can really understand that Karen.
I'm sure those words from her will be forthcoming sooon.
Meanwhile you will have to make do with us and our collective encouragement and support. lol
Thank you Meg. I thought I might be told not to expect anything from her tonight!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Meanwhile you will have to make do with us and our collective encouragement and support. lol
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 15 November 2005 : 22:46:17</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
And this does really help, thank you so much.
Piglet - Thanks for your well wishes and support too.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
15-11-05, 22:53
Karen
Hiya mate
Well done on eating. I am so proud of you for doing that.
We are all here for you ok and I can call again if you need someone to bore you to death with idle chat ok?
I know you don't mind me talking for an hour so I can call ok if you want tomorrow?
Hang in there ok and take care
xxxx
Nicola
Hi Karen,
So pleased to see that you have eaten something, well done you!
We are all here to support you, so carry on posting if and when you need us!
Love kate xx
Hi Karen,
Just to say I'm still thinking of you. So glad to see you have eaten something today, well done. Please try and keep it up. I know it's hard but please keep trying.
Love Lisa x
Hi Karen,
Although I don't post on your thread all the time, I just wanted to let you know I am always thinking of you, and I do read all of your new posts, we are all here for you, your not alone remember that hun.
Lots of love
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
Hi everyone.
Thank you Trac, Lisa, Kate and Nic for your messages of support. These really help and I could do with all the encouragement I can get at the moment.
I managed the other half of the yoghurt last night.
This morning though I am struggling again with my thoughts about eating, particularly as this is the first day since I started fasting that I haven't lost any weight. I know in a way that is good, for my health anyway, but I can't help seeing it as failure. Losing weight is what gives me the buzz.
I am trying to get back on track with eating a little more and have been out to the shops to get a few things this morning. I have had a couple of spoons of porridge which is all I could manage. I suppose it is better than nothing. I struggle with Edie all the time I am trying to eat.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">We are all here for you ok and I can call again if you need someone to bore you to death with idle chat ok?
I know you don't mind me talking for an hour so I can call ok if you want tomorrow?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks Nic. You don't bore me lol! It would be really good to talk to you. I'm going to see Jac this evening to try to start sorting out my housing crisis, as she's said she will help. How about Thursday? I'd love a chat!
I can't tell you all how much your support means to me. I need a lot of help and encouragement right now to try to keep this up.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I am so proud of you for the yoghurt - you are tackling something that is as hard for you as would be me getting in lift at the tube station in London on my own.
You are one brave lady and deserve a rather large squeeze[^]
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
and hurrah for the porridge .... thats one we haven't seen for a while. Well done.
Keep it up and hope you and Jac manage to figure out about moving.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Well done on the porridge, Karen!
Hope that the housing situation gets resolved very quickly.
Love Kate xx
nomorepanic
16-11-05, 15:35
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm going to see Jac this evening to try to start sorting out my housing crisis, as she's said she will help. How about Thursday? I'd love a chat!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That's fine - I need to get the conference stuff sorted out asap!
Glad you had some porridge - I tried it a few weeks ago - not had it since a child and I did manage to eat it but I am not convinced I liked it. It is however filling!
Nicola
Hi Karen
Great to hear that you have tackled the porridge - hey that is something I avoid lol.
Also, it was a really positive move for you to pop down the shop - there is clear weather forecast for the next few days so try and savour the bue sky - but wrap up warm!
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Karen,
Well done on the rest of the yoghurt yesterday and the porridge today, you're doing great. It's great to hear that you managed to go to the shops too, well done. I hope you're feeling stronger today.
Have a good time with Jac, I hope she can help you sort the housing problems.
Take care,
Lisa
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You are one brave lady and deserve a rather large squeeze[^]
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 16 November 2005 : 12:49:39</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't feel very brave right now but thanks. I just feel very scared.
Thanks Ray, Nigel, Kate and Lisa for your support and encouragement too. It wasn't really 'proper' porridge, it was Ready Brek but I guess it is better than nothing.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Meg
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">and hurrah for the porridge .... thats one we haven't seen for a while. Well done.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 16 November 2005 : 14:36:42</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks. I am trying very hard to make sensible choices with food. Is Ready Brek ok? I only managed a couple of spoons.
I have been to see Jill today, although it probably wasn't very sensible driving that far and I felt decidedly ill by the time I got to Brighton. I was going to look around the shops for a while because I was early but I could hardly walk and felt a bit breathless.
Jill didn't tell me off after all and tried some different techniques to try to help with my anxiety around food and eating. She said the aim for the moment needs to be to stay well enough until I hopefully can get treatment at the private clinic.
The rental flat has fallen through. I finally got hold of the letting agents by email and they were trying to contact me to let me know the owner has decided to sell instead. So it's back to the drawing board again. I too hope Jac can help me with this.
I'm rather tired after all the exertion of today but am still planning to go to Jac's. I need to start doing something.
I am afraid I didn't eat all the time I was out today and had nothing since breakfast, but I've just had some yoghurt.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nic
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">That's fine - I need to get the conference stuff sorted out asap!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">Thanks. Look forward to talking to you. Hope you manage to get the conference stuff sorted.
I don't like proper porridge much either, particularly made with water but then I suppose Meg would tell me I could do with having the milk anyway[8)]
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Proper porridge is what 'Oliver' may eat but as I am not in the workhouse I eat Readybrek too (apologies to porridge eaters) !!!
You are to, brave (thats not up for discussion)!!
Hope you have a good day and chat again later.
Love Piglet :)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Proper porridge is what 'Oliver' may eat but as I am not in the workhouse I eat Readybrek too (apologies to porridge eaters) !!!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 17 November 2005 : 09:13:26</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Glad I'm not the only one!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi everyone
I had an enjoyable and productive evening with Jac last night.
She said she will do all she can to help me find somewhere to rent and with all the moving arrangements. We looked through some details of rental properties last night and she is making some phone calls for me today to set up some appointments to view a couple of flats to rent, and she is going to come with me on Friday to view them if possible. These aren't really ideal as the flats are in Eastbourne and she said she doesn’t think it is a good idea that I am that far from her. I also don't really want to change GP again having only recently found such a good doctor.
We were talking about the urgent need to find somewhere because of time restrictions and that it might not even be possible to sort out a rental property in 2 weeks (if that's when my purchasers still want to complete). Jac and her husband have kindly said that if I can’t sort out somewhere to move to by the time my house sale goes through I can stay with them temporarily. This is a huge weight off my mind and I am really lucky to have such good friends. I had been having visions of being out on the street with nowhere to go, as I have no family to turn to, but Jac said she wouldn't see me homeless or in a B & B somewhere.
I realise how lucky I have to have such great friends who care for me and are also so supportive, because I realise having me to stay would be a disruption to their family life for a while. At least I am now feeling less alone.
We were also talked about how I feel when I eat and the guilt I experience afterwards. I told her how easy it is for me to avoid dealing with this when I am alone because when I feel hungry I ignore what my body wants or distract myself from the hunger by doing something else.
Jac suggested I could join her and Millie for one meal a day during the week. She also said she could prepare a little extra of what she is making for Millie and I could try a couple of spoonfuls if I feel able to but that she won’t pressure me. She understand that the foods I have been allowing myself to eat have become very limited and how hard it is for me to even eat these at times - as the 5 days I starved myself completely shows.
So we talked about things I might try and I am going to attempt a couple of different things to start with like plain white fish and vegetables, or chicken and vegetables. Jac understands I could probably only manage a couple of mouthfuls right now and said it is fine - I can have a go if I feel up to it and leave it if it is too hard. I didn't want to put her to any trouble but she said these are the kinds of meals she often prepares for Millie anyway and so it is no problem for her to just make a little extra.
I don’t yet know how or whether this will help me eat or not. I want so much to start taking steps that will help me get better and I want to give this a try. However, I still have the voice of Edie shouting at me telling me I will get fat and never get any of the things I am desperate for if I eat like this.
This will mean trying to have foods I haven’t eaten in months, particularly as I have not had a cooked meal for so long that I can’t even remember the last time. I am petrified to be honest and I would be really grateful for continued support and encouragement that I have been receiving here. This is going to be incredibly difficult for me.
I am so grateful to Jac for helping me out like this and I know I am lucky to have a such a caring friend. All I can do now is take things one day at a time.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen this is great news!
Im so pleased that Jac has offered you a place to stay if you need it, that must be a huge weight off your mind. And joining her for eating means that you and her can gang up against Edie, you wont be fighting the battle on your own. I know it must be scary to think of eating with others and eating normal food, but this is such a huge step in the right direction!
Well done karen, in this post you write in a positive way, and its lovely to see that from you :-)
Take Care
xxx
bluesparkle
17-11-05, 11:32
this is just a quick hi...
i am still hanging around and reading! :D
i am so pleased to read your last post that is great that you were able to talk to jac about lots of things and that she has offered her support...
and her offering a meal once a day is great... especially as there is no pressure what so ever to eat more than you want/can... and maybe not having to prepare it will help too...
i hope all goes well looking at flats this fri... i know its not going to be easy but sending posative vibes for you
take care
rach
Hi mate,
What a great post for so many reasons.:D
Firstly you - as you are the most important. You seem to have in you an incredible core strength that just as you go down and nearly reach bottom something in you rebels and just wont give up. This is why you will always be stronger than Edie. That inner strength is awesome when it raises its head!!!
The plans you have with Jac are so sensible and like with the rest of us its these no pressure plans that seem to be the most successful!!!
Your friend Jac sounds like a diamond (tell her that from me)!!:)
Its a great that you know you have a bridging place to stay if you can't time the move exactly. I tend to agree about finding somewhere a little nearer to her. Is the possiblity of buying right off the list now??
I'm so proud of you hun and hope that doesnt sound patronising.:)
Love Piglet
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Karen,
All this is totally fantastic news.
I am so very pleased and do urge you to go and spend time with Jac and Millie.
Think you still have a bit more good news to share with us though ..eh ?
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Oh Karen!!! :D
What a posting!
I can only concur with what others have said - Jac is a real diamond. I'm sure her kind offers have given you some relief already, and I feel that she will give you great encouragement. You will feel "accepted" as a friend and all this will I believe help kick Edie out of the door in due time.
I hope you find a place fairly nearby as you need to be in reach of those people who can help you, whilst keeping your independence and own space.
Now I'll leave you - it must be lunchtime and time for some mouthfuls:D:D
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Meg
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Think you still have a bit more good news to share with us though ..eh ?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 17 November 2005 : 13:12:10</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I thought that post was long enough! Actually, I was still half asleep writing that this morning and still haven't had time to post about last night on my other forum yet.
This morning I have been out into town and for a short, slow walk along the seafront. I am feeling a lot better today.
OK, the rest of this story:
I was out most of the day yesterday, so although I had a couple of spoons of porridge in the morning, I didn’t eat while I was out, which meant it was teatime before I had anything else. I did manage to have some yoghurt before leaving to see Jac.
When Jac and I were talking about my problems eating, she asked whether I had eaten yesterday and I told her I'd not had much. So she offered me some toast and (with quite some difficulty) I did manage one slice. This was particularly hard for me because it was normal bread and had a very light spreading of butter on it.
I have also decided to try to stop taking the diet pills. I didn't take any yesterday and have resisted today too so far. Now I just need that extra bit of strength to get rid of them completely.
Is this the bit you mean Meg?
Oh and this morning I had half a sachet of Ready Break - I've got those individual sachet packs so it is easier to keep count of what I am eating. I have prepared a hard boiled egg to have for later.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Is this the bit you mean Meg?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Wow, does this mean that you might be hiding more positive news? lol
Well done, this is fantastic! I can sense these positive vibes are giving you so much encouragement.
Keep us posted.
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thank you all so much. I don't feel I have had too much positive to post about recently, but suddenly I have managed to find some hidden strength from somewhere. Jac is definitely an absolute gem and to offer me all this help is such a relief for me. We are both under no illusions that this is the first step and it is going to be so very hard to actually do. I don't know how I will cope if I gain some weight, but we can at least try.
I also want to thank all of you so much for the support and encouragement you are giving me. There were times over the last week when I didn't think I was going to make it, as I had all but given up.
Piglet - Buying may not be completely off the agenda but hopefully I will know more tomorrow. There is a shared ownership flat in my home town that has just come on the market and Jac phoned to find out about it today. We are going to look at it tomorrow and will hopefully find out more then.
This could be a good compromise for me as it brings the asking price to within my budget, although it depends how much rent on the other 50% is and whether I could get a mortgage for something like this. Fingers crossed anyway! I would only need to rent short term then.
Ray - Not quite lunchtime yet but I have it prepared ready. I didn't have breakfast until quite late.
Thank you too Rach and Alice.
With all my friends here and on my other forum, together with K and Jac, and my doctor on my side I am beginning to have some hope for the first time that maybe there is a slight chance of recovering from this, even though I know it will be a very long road, with lots of bumps along the way.
Thank you all again.
Sorry I missed your call Meg - I thought it was Dad hassling me again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen i really enjoyed reading your posts today, theyre full of hope and positivity something which we rarely see usually. Im so pleased that things are on the up for you, and remember that the successes are due to your own strength and determination and you should feel proud of yourself.
Well done for not taking the diet pills, hopefully soon you will be able to chuck them out and look forward to being healthy and happy. Youve done so well
Round of applause for Karen!
Alice xxx
I hope the shared ownership flat is promising (that's just what I was hoping, to make buying a possibility).
You now have some goals to aim for and we'll be with you all the way.
The biggest hug ever :D:D
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
I am so pleased to read all your recent posts, well done. You are making so much progress. It was lovely of Jac to offer her help and support with eating and accomodation. Jac is a good friend but then again she wouldn't be offering all that help if she didn't think you were worth it too Karen, she obviously thinks you're a very good friend too.
Well done with your eating, I know it can't be easy but you're doing great. It's so nice to hear you sound positive about the future, hang on to those thoughts.
Good luck with the accomodation hunting too.
Love Lisa x
I am SO pleased for you Karen!! :D
"If life were simple, word would have got around"
Thank you all so much.
I didn't have the egg sandwich in the end because it is too much too soon I think. Instead I had a little bit of scrambled egg just on it's own a few hours ago and now I have just had about half a pot of yoghurt.
It is hard because my stomach gets bloated as soon as I eat anything, well it does just by drinking too now and the anorexic thoughts are plaguing me this afternoon. I have been trying to distract myself with the internet though rather than just giving in.
At the moment I am also getting my usual obsessive thoughts about K though as I haven't heard from her yet today and last week she was out of contact both Thursday and Friday. I am quite worried this will happen again and I'll find it hard to keep this up if I get distressed about lack of contact with her.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I hope the shared ownership flat is promising (that's just what I was hoping, to make buying a possibility).
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 17 November 2005 : 14:08:16</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Unfortunately I've just heard from Jac that the flat is under offer already and so the viewing tomorrow has been cancelled. We can't view the rental flat until Monday.
However, now I've heard that the original flat I wanted to rent is available again as the sale has fallen through. I am a bit concerned though because I actually saw the property being advertised in an Estate Agent's window when I was in town earlier. The woman from the letting agent said she would get a written agreement for the landlord to let the flat to me for a set period, but I don't want to move there and then find the owner sells the flat and I have to move again.
I am not sure what to do again now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
17-11-05, 19:55
Karen
What lovely news to read this evening - a big well done to you!!
I will call you this weekend and catch up ok.
Nicola
Thank you Nic. How are you feeling?
Look forward to talking to you at the weekend.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
How much is enough to eat for me right now and how often? I doubt I have really but it feels like I have been eating all day. I wouldn't be able to cope with weight gain right now, although I realise I probably do need to get back to what I was a couple of weeks ago. But I don't want to eat too much and make myself feel even more bloated or gain loads of weight either.
I'm feeling so tired now too, really exhausted but am trying to stay awake so I can sleep tonight.
This evening is getting tougher because there is still no news from K and I am getting panicky that I won't hear from her for another 2 days ago like this time last week. I don't want to slip back just as I have started to make a little bit of progress.
Help needed I think.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
17-11-05, 20:34
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Thank you Nic. How are you feeling?
Look forward to talking to you at the weekend.
Karen
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 17 November 2005 : 20:01:30</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am pretty rubbish but thanks for asking. Going to see doc tomorrow so hopefully he can throw some light on things.
I will call you at weekend - I am not very good company at the moment lol.
xxx
Nicola
Sorry to hear that Nic.
Hope the doctor's appointment goes ok tomorrow and you are feeling better soon.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
You know I don't like that word! It was being said to me so often it felt like nagging, even if for the right reasons!
I know this is the first step of probably what is a very long journey and I can't really look past tonight at the moment or it all becomes too scary a prospect. Today all the messages and support here have kept me going and encouraged me to manage to eat small amounts throughout the day. Tomorrow I still have my arrangement in place to visit Jac and have something there.
Edie is still shouting and stomping very loudly right now and I am doing my best not to listen to her but it is hard. I would like to think she will be pushed out forever one day but I think it is going to take some time for that to happen.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I recall somebody once mentioning writing your story of how you beat anorexia. I think that would be a real inspiration to so many people, especially if you can find a way to do it with the help of your friends rather than a stay in hospital. I really believe that today marks a turning point for you. Day one of your journey back. I think today would make a very good opening page to that book. You might even like to share some of it with us on here as you write it. What do you think?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 17 November 2005 : 21:47:27</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am not sure I am up to doing something like that! I do definitely want to stay out of hospital though and would like to think I could beat this without inpatient treatment, even at the private clinic. Am I just deluding myself about that though? None of the reasons why this all started in the first place are going to just disappear on their own.
I think maybe I might try to ring the dietician tomorrow and see if I can arrange to see her again. She was really kind when I saw her last time and said I could ring again any time and she would be happy to see me again.
Last time I wasn't ready to discuss adding to the very limited foods I've been eating or how best to do this in a healthy way. I think maybe I am feeling a bit more open to listening now and could use some advice.
It is nutrition I need and not a vast increase of food at this stage isn't it?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Yes Karen, Nutrition not volume is the key particularly protein in the short term.
Good news about the egg. Congratulations
Some skimmed milk and fish would be superb during the next weeks.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Some skimmed milk and fish would be superb during the next weeks.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 17 November 2005 : 22:39:05</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thank you Meg.
I made the porridge with skimmed milk this morning. I'm not sure how else to make sure I can take this as I don't actually like drinking it.
When I was talking to Jac last night I did mention fish and I know she cooks this for Millie at least once a week, so I can only try. Don't yet know what is on the menu tomorrow.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Just had a random thought and its not really much to do with food!
I know you said that you didn't listen to too much music because it reminded you of too many bad thoughts. But I think there must be a few that please you without all that baggage and negativity attached.
Just wondered if you could write a few down and make your own compilation up to drown out Edie voices. Perhaps some instrumental pieces with no words, or even visualtion pieces - the sort where you tend to walk along by a quiet stream in some sunkissed meadow.
One piece that I play when I get down sometimes is "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Simon and Garfunkel. But then I am an S & G fan and have a very positive recall upon hearing it for the very first time, which unusually was on TV.
As I say, just a thought - you really need to concentrate on this latest goal.
Onwards and Upwards - looking forward to tomorrow's diary :D
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Ray
I do listen to music quite a lot in fact; it is just I quite often listen to sentimental stuff that allows me to daydream about K[:I]. Or other times sometimes the music or lyrics catch my unaware and it stirs up some memory that I would rather forget.
This evening I felt so tired and needed to rest for a while so I went to bed with some music on. I suppose I have done a lot today though but needed to wait up for K.
I'm sure I'll be keeping you all informed of tomorrow's report!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning Karen,
Well done on all that you have accomplished over the past few days. It's been phenomal to watch!!!
I think slow but steady probably wins the day here and like Meg says maybe it would be wise to work on quality rather than quantity just at present. Seeing the dietician is a good step too.
Been a big week for you hun and I am made up.:D
Love Piglet :)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thanks Piglet.
Another step last night. Following reading a message from K I received late last night, I flushed the diet pills away. Healthwise I know it was the right thing to do, but I am still struggling a bit with the knowledge that I've no longer got these to fall back on[:O]. I suppose that is Edie talking though.
I am going to Jac's shortly and am feeling a bit anxious about trying to eat a little bit of a proper meal for the first time in months. Have been trying to utilise the new techniques Jill (my therapist) taught me this week to help calm anxiety.
Let you all know later how I get on. K suggested I don't push myself too hard or give myself a hard time if I struggle.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluesparkle
18-11-05, 11:41
hi karen
oh well done getting rid of the pills... yes it is just eddie talking i think that was a great step to take...
and good luck with eating at jacs today im sure it will be fine especially as she understand and there doesnt seem to be any pressure...
and you musnt beat yourself up about it i think you have taken great steps over the last few days...
now take care and enjoy your time out
let us know how you got on
rach
[Wow!] Karen - you are taking so many positive steps - WELL DONE!!!!! :D
"If life were simple, word would have got around"
Wow !!!!!!!!!!
Well done on chucking the pills away. Hurrah
Next go the laxatives .....
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Hi Karen,
as you know, I tend to hover in the background regarding your posts as I don't feel qualified to comment on eating issues.
However, thought I'd poke my head up again just to say a massive "well done" on what you have achieved lately.
If it's anything like my path you may find that as you build up strength from the nutrition it also helps you to fight the mental battle alot more easily? :D:D
Keep taking it a day at a time and you'll get there.
Well done again.
Cheers,
Trev
Like Nigel says - it doesnt matter what the outcome, the fact you are trying is enough.
I am so proud of you I've just had to squeeze one of the kids really hard to get rid of some of that proudiness as it was quite overwhelming.
Your attitude is great hun.:D
Lots of love Piglet xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you for all your messages of support, Rach, Piglet, Nigel, Meg, Sarah and Trev.
I did it! For lunch today I had a small amount of fish, broccoli, carrots and parsnip. Jac prepared it so it was all kind of mixed together the same as she does for Millie. It has come to something when the amount I can eat is less than half the amount of a 2 year old.
Jac was great. I had said I didn't want too much on my plate so I didn't feel under pressure to eat if I couldn't manage it. So she gave me a very small portion and I managed to eat it all.
I had Edie's voice in my head as usual but having some encouragement without being put under any pressure did help.
She offered me some cauliflower cheese for tomorrow (as I won't see her over the weekend) but I am not ready to face eating something as fattening as cheese.
Unfortunately, I am feeling stressed tonight but this is because of my house sale. I had to ring my solicitor today to find out what was happening and when she had spoken to the purchaser's solicitors they are not willing to exchange until some point has been cleared up regarding the shared parking area and it is a point there is no answer to. Now I am scared they will back out and I'll have to start all over again.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Next go the laxatives .....
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 18 November 2005 : 13:47:25</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hmm I haven't been taking laxatives but I think I might actually need them, probably after not eating for 5 days before[xx(]
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Your posts are filling me with delight!
Fab news on the flushing the pills away AND having a "mini" meal.
:D[8D]:D[8D]:D[8D]
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Karen,
That was truly amazing and once again shows your intense inner strength.
I am thrilled for you at todays achievements.
<center>Congratulations</center>
You did this. Jac helped but you did it.
You won't need the laxatives, your body will cope just fine - all be it a bit shocked about being looked after for once.
Well done Karen
Meg xx
:D[8D]:D[8D]:D[8D]:D[8D]
Well done Karen!!
Hope you realise that YOU did this yourself and that we are all EXTREMELY proud of you for managing this!!!
Sarah
Ray: Thanks. It makes a change for me to be posting something positive for once.
Sarah: Thank you for your support. It is quite difficult for me to believe I had my first taste of a 'proper' meal for months - even if it was a baby sized portion.
Meg: Thank you Meg.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You did this. Jac helped but you did it.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 18 November 2005 : 19:14:40</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I suppose it is true that I am the only one who could actually take the step to eat the meal. Jac is being fantastically supportive though and I know I am not at a stage where I would prepare a meal like this for myself. The support and encouragement from all of you is helping so much too.
Umm about the laxatives... I am feeling incredibly uncomfortable right now. I know I have been abusing these and don't want to keep going down that road but how long do I give it before I do need to take some? I'm beginning to feel like I am taking all this food into me and it just sitting there[:I].
I have had some porridge since getting home too. It is so cold at the moment and I actually wanted something warm.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
at least 24 hours before considering them.
Yes, porridge is warming
Oh, and stop with the 'even if's' lolol .
It is a great day - end of .. no subtle self put downs today please !!
Accept the girl did good- very good and smile !!
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Ok Meg! I find it hard to resist the self put downs:)
I didn't think I was going to be able to go through with eating the meal today, but I managed to ignore Edie and then stayed the whole afternoon with Jac and Millie which helped to distract me from feelings of guilt afterwards.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">at least 24 hours before considering them.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 18 November 2005 : 19:34:55</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
24 hours from now? This is a rather embarrassing subject but it's been almost a week now, but then for some of that time I wasn't eating anything. I will try to hold off for a bit longer and hope nature takes its course[:I].
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen, you done amazingly well in the past few days, im so impressed! Well done you!
Maybe forget about the laxatives at the moment and try eating some things which might help? Like grapes or prunes or something, and then if that doesnt work consider the laxatives afterwards?
Youve done so well, i hope that you continue with this, its a real achievement and you should feel so happy with yourself :-)
xxx
Fantastic news Karen.
Letting nature take its course sounds like a good idea to me.
Well done for taking the steps yourself. As Meg says, it is you that has done this and so it is you that can keep on doing this. Help and support is just what it says it is. You have shown true inner strength at your core.
Really pleased for you.
Trev :D
nomorepanic
18-11-05, 22:44
Karen
I actually got goosebumps reading this tonight!
I am so chuffed and proud of you - what a great few posts to read and well done you.
Big hug
xxxx
Nicola
Hi Karen as you know Im like Trev and hover, but I am reading your posts now and so glad you seem to be doing so well, I hope you get your strength up enough and will meet you next saturday at the conference, keep going, and well done,
love from Alexisxx
If I help one person today it was worth getting up.
Thank you all for your replies.
Alice: I'll wait and see how things are tomorrow I think. I'm not sure about the grapes or prunes and can't pretend the food issues have gone away. I will just have to take it a day at a time. I am trying not to resort to laxatives unless I really feel unable to avoid it because I know I am at risk of abusing them again.
Trev: Thanks for your continued support.
Alexis: Thanks for your support. I too have been reading a lot but not posting much to anyone recently, as I haven't felt I've had a lot to give. I really am grateful for all the support I am receiving and I realise it is not easy to know what to say at times, particularly when this is not a forum for eating disorders really. I have so many friends here though!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I hope you get your strength up enough and will meet you next saturday at the conference
<div align="right">Originally posted by alexis - 18 November 2005 : 22:45:33</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hopefully if I can keep eating regularly, even if not like this every day, I will be ok for the Conference next week.
Nic: How are you today? I am just glad to have something positive to write for a change. It has been a while. Last weekend seems like such a long time ago now.
I am trying to follow K's advice and take things slowly though, as I know there is still a long way to go with this. I didn't get so caught in the trap of anorexia overnight and it won't go away overnight either.
I also forgot to mention before that I did try to speak to the dietician again today but when I rang it said her line was temporarily out of order. I will have to hope I can summon the courage to try again next week.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sue K with 5
19-11-05, 02:08
Oh Karen
I have just been updating myself with the posts and your amazing !
I am so god damn proud of you ! You have eaten which is fantastic, your facing the solicitors which is ****** brilliant and you are trying to stay positive which is even better !
Well done you go girl!
Dont you have some wonderful friends and supporters on here, I have been reading all the replies and they see exatcly what I see in you !
Dont give up the fight Karen your beating it !
See you can do it !
Wow
Well done honey! Keep posting I have this huge smile on my face now !
Sue with 5
scknight
Hi Sue
Many thanks for your message.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Dont you have some wonderful friends and supporters on here
<div align="right">Originally posted by susan Knight - 19 November 2005 : 02:08:06</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I certainly do and I don't know where I would be now without such fantastic support and encouragement. I think I must have well and truly tested everyone's patience recently and yet have continued to receive help and support, even when I was giving up on myself.
I owe a huge thank you to you all for standing by me and not giving up on me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Keep posting I have this huge smile on my face now !
<div align="right">Originally posted by susan Knight - 19 November 2005 : 02:08:06</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Glad I made you smile:)
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Good morning Little Miss Strong,
Gosh you must be so proud of your thought processes this last week, I know we all are!!!!!!!!!:D:D:D
I loved hearing about the healthy meal you had a Jac's - I can almost feel some physical strength going back into you to join the emotional strength that is already there.
Like you say 'slow but steady wins the day' !!!
Love Piglet :)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Congratulations, you are doing so well, I'm proud of you too.
Lisa x
hi Karen,
well done!! loads of positive talk.. really can boost your confidence a little can't it.. take it really really slow. hour by hour if you have to.. a healthy meal at jac's!?!? wow!
you are doing brilliantly
try to remain strong and positive and dont give in. once you gain strenght and confidence, no one can take it away.
keep going,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Guys
Thanks again for the encouraging messages.
Lisa (LJ): Many thanks for your continued support.
LisaS: Thanks for your post. Hour by hour is how I am taking things today, as I am finding things a bit tougher again.
Piglet:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Good morning Little Miss Strong,
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 19 November 2005 : 10:34:03</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Your messages always make me smile Piglet:). I am not feeling so strong today. However, no matter how much Edie threatens, rants and raves (like she is right now), I am doing my best to ignore her and rationalise the arguments she is throwing at me.
It is harder when I am alone and I think I need to settle for just maintaining regular eating, little and often, of the foods I can cope with today. I did have a little porridge for breakfast, and have had one slice of toast with marmite and half an apple since.
Hopefully this is ok. I don't want to slip back again and am holding onto my determination not to let Edie push me back down.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
What you have eaten today sounds fine to me!
Keep up the good work!
Kate
Thanks Kate.
Have been to Tescos to get my lottery ticket (can only hope!) and some milk.
While I was there I bought a slice of turkey to have in a sandwich for tea tonight. I am feeling a bit anxious about eating it now but am going to try.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Go for it Karen. Maybe use the conference as a goal. The more you can eat, the better it will be for getting there. :D
Cheers,
Trev
Hi Nigel
Thanks for your message.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">But I’m still not sure about that marmite [xx(].</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
And what is wrong with marmite?!?;) It is yummy, practically zero calorie and good for you too![:P]
I managed the turkey sandwich for tea - with my diet bread of course and no butter.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">All I need do now is to wish you good luck for the lottery this evening. With all this positivity at the moment I can see you winning :D[Yeah!].</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I wish[Sigh...]
Thanks Trev for your support too. Hope I will be ok for the conference next week. I am taking it a day at a time at the moment.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
wow, another fantastic positive day karen, we're all amazed at how well youre doing! im so impressed with all the eating youre doing, and how positive youre sounding, its just getting better and better :-)
happy thoughts to you
take care xxx
Thanks Alice.
Believe me I am not feeling entirely positive inside but I am trying to focus on the positives and not let this slip like I have done in the past.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Well done on your continued progress and the turkey sandwich. You're doing great. There's always next week for the lottery lol :)
Lisa
Thanks Lisa.
I'm having a bit of a wobble at the moment[:O] but I think it is the stress of several things getting to me, the possibility that my house sale might collapse being one.
I am not going to let Edie get to me this time though. I have to remain strong and keep reminding myself she is lying to me. Sometimes it is just more difficult than others.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.