at uni and hating it.

[louise0501]

hey, i'm at uni and i hate everything about it. i dont like the course as its not really what i wanna do, it wasnt the original course i wanted to do. i havnt really made any friends and i dont feel close to my housemates and my social phobia has gone through the roof. i just feel so unhappy and its not like i can just go home coz my uni house is shared with 3 other people and its a 12 month let so i just feel completely trapped here and my family dont seem to really care how i feel. what should i do?
please reply
Luv Louise X

[sMINT]

Hi Louise,

I dont have much advice to give becuase Ill probably be where you are now feeling like that when I move to Uni on Monday.

Have you tried talking to a counselor there?

I know how you feel with parents/family not seeming to care, My parents think I can 'just do things' and its that simple. If only they knew how hard the simplest things can be with panic and anxiety.

My friend had really bad house mates last year and they were really dirty as well and his flat was such a tip and a state he had to come home and still pay the rent. He was traveling an hour and a half each way to get to uni just so he could live at home and still had to pay due to the contract.

You might not look at it this way but maybe being stuck there is a good thing? You may settle in after a while? I have a 3 month rule where I always try to give things 3 months whether its a job or whatever, If I still don't like it then, that's when I make decisions.

Maybe you can transfer to another course also? Have you enquired about that?

Not much advice I know, But I hope all goes well for you :hugs:

[louise0501]

hey, thanks for the support. i wish i could give it three months, i'm going home next weekend and i dont even know if i can get through the next week let alone another three months. i really hate it, and i really think i need help as this is more than just being shy. i might just have to go home and still pay the rent and thats how much i hate it. i really can't be here anymore. i'm getting really depressed. i just seem to spend loads of time in my room so my housemates think im weird and i can hear them bitching about me.
please reply
luv louise

[Thorny]

Hi Louise,

Just a quick message to echo what sMINT said really. :bighug1:

I feel for you in the difficult situation you are in at the moment. I know its only moral support, but remember, you are not alone, and people on here care about you

Take Care,

Matt

[june]

hi louise, i am sure almost every one there is feeling much the same. They are just hiding it a bit better.
I saw many people start uni and give up - some of it out of sheer terror / homesickness / or completely out of there comfort zone.
Start a thread on here ( i think it is allowed) let us know how you are coping - tell us your fears - show us that you can do it.
I am sure you will get many posts to say ""Oh my thats just how i felt, thank you louise""
Please don't give up - i am sure you can change your course in January - worth a try:yesyes:
Beat wishes
June
:hugs:

[louise0501]

i know your only tryin to help and i really appreciate the support but i know in my heart of hearts this was the wrong decision for me. i mean i could always try and get my social anx sorted coz i really think i need to see a doctor about it and then maybe try again in a couple of years or something. because things just seem to be getting worse, if i thought for a second things might get better then i would stick at it. its just one thing after another and i just wanna go home and i'm just hoping i can get my parents support with this decision.
please reply
Love Louise

[tim73]

Seriously, I'd have a chat to a campus councellor, tutor, adviser etc. Ask about in the student union for advice. If the course is definitely not for you then you need to sort that out. They can sort out other options, including transferring to another course or even another uni.

As for the house share, it's a very common situation in the first year. You are thrown in with people you don't know and it may take a while to get used to them, or you may not get on with them anyway. The guys I shared with were okay, but not really my friends. I found other friends through the course I was on, and would spend most my time round at their houses. By the 2nd year we got together to share a house. Join clubs if you can. Keep yourself occupied.

I know it's very tempting to just go home. You could arrange to take a break and discuss it all with your parents, but realistically most who give in early will give up entirely.

Still, you may be able to take a year out and come back later. Though you'll need to do something productive with that year so you have something for your CV when looking for jobs after uni. A year off doing nothing but lazing about doesn't convince prospective employers.

Just and stick with it if you can, though look at the different course options. It may seem very hard, but it usually gets much better and you can make great friendships that can last for life.

p.s. there are ways out of a let (I take it it's an assured shorthold), without having to pay the full 12 months. Try discussing it with the letting agent or whatever uni representative who deals with them. If they can find someone else to fill the room you can just pay the rent for the gap between you moving out and someone moving in. Whilst the tenancy agreement is legally binding, you can break the contract without much penalty if both you and the landlord (or via agent) agree. It's not easy, but it's possible if they are accommodating.

[louise0501]

hey, thanks for the house advice tim, i feel a bit better about getting out of the contract. i think ive pretty much made my decision to leave, i'm gonna go home and talk to my parents at the weekend. i know just giving up is pretty bad considering ive only been here a few weeks but i think i applied for the wrong reasons to start with. i won't just be lazing around, i will get a full time job straight away. i think if i do go to uni again i will find a uni a lot closer to home so i won't be far or i might even be able to commute. i just hope my housemates aren't to mad at me for messing them around but i needed to give it a go as you dont know weather you will like something or not untill you try it.
love louise

[tim73]

I can't imagine what it's like suffering from anxiety at a time like this. I didn't have a problem back then, only now later on for frankly no explicable reason.

What I will say though is, just speaking personally, being at a uni that was reasonably far from my parents was a good thing. It forced me to be independent, meet people and make new friends, and get on.

But then I was pretty much set on doing the course and going to uni, so a bit different from your situation.

Hope it works out well. Sounds like discussing it with your parents could clear things up on what you want to do anyway.

Cheers, Tim.

[Meg37]

Hello
Im sorry you feel like this at uni, I was just wondering if you had made a decision yet? Also what course are you doing and what would you have liked to do?

it may be worth hanging on in there to get on the course you want to.

Meg

[Maj]

Hi,

I know where you are coming from. My son went to Uni and absolutely hated it, although he was still living at home. He loved college. He came home from Uni every night really unhappy. He felt that the course was totally different from how he expected it to be. He spoke to someone at the Uni and then tried to get on with it again. After a week or so he just decided it wasn't for him. I supported him in this, although was sorry about it. I couldn't bear to see him so unhappy though. He now has a full-time job and is hoping to be able to join the Police. It doesn't have to be the end of the world. My other son loved Uni, got his degree but can't get a job! Whatever you do I hope you are happy.
Take care
Myra:hugs:

[tim73]

My son went to Uni and absolutely hated it, although he was still living at home.
That can often be the problem though. Staying at home you just don't socialise in the same way as if you're living on campus or in digs with other students. I think it's a beneficial experience at uni to have a complete break from the parents and having things done for you. Forces you to become independent, though that can be tough for some.

Though it's certainly true that some people just find it's not for them regardless anyway.

[Sorcha]

hey, i'm at uni and i hate everything about it. i dont like the course as its not really what i wanna do, it wasnt the original course i wanted to do. i havnt really made any friends and i dont feel close to my housemates and my social phobia has gone through the roof. i just feel so unhappy and its not like i can just go home coz my uni house is shared with 3 other people and its a 12 month let so i just feel completely trapped here and my family dont seem to really care how i feel. what should i do?
please reply
Luv Louise X

Hi Louise,

Can i ask what course you're doing, what your expectations were and what it's turning out to be? How long have you been at uni? Have you just started?

Louise I understand what you're going through as I suffered from the same when I started college. I felt completely out of my depth and felt that everyone else but me was settling in fine. It wa really difficult and I too felt trapped.

How far away do you live from your family - can you realistically go and visit them or your old friends regularly? Is this your first time away from home? Often, if it is, people can be completely freaked out for the first wee while until they get used to the independance and the responsibility.

When you feel panicked, try and remember the positive aspects of being independant and at university. Remember your course choice isn't set in stone, you can opt out or repeat your first year in another course if you really don't like it. But try to give it at least a term, if possible, before you decide to move somewhere else.

In regards to making friends, does your uni have societies and clubs? Sharing interest in anything you're passionate in or interested in is a great way to socialise and the great thing is, you don't need an icebreaker in conversation. If you really can't find anything to stir you, why not try a group which is related to your course? You can meet others on your course, and share your disappointment so far - there may be older people in the group who can reassure you that it will change, or not.

I know it's a big step to take, but societies and clubs really do help. Is there one of your housemates who can attend the first few meetings with you? Or a person you may not feel 'close' to, but who you know is interested in the same things?

Facebook might aslo be a good avenue to go down - search for your uni/course details and join the group. You can post up things that you're worried about academically so that others can advise, again, whether or not the course is likely to change for the better or not. Also you might feel more conifdent starrting to chat to new people online rather than face to face? and you might meet new people through it.

Also what's been mentioned previously, seeing the uni counsellor, is great advice. They are trained specifically to deal with people encountering real fear and anxiety relating to living away from home, remember everything you discuss with them is confidential and won't be discussed with anyone else. I urge you to give it at least one session to see if it helps in any way.

Lastly, why do you feel that you're not close to your housemates? Are there barriers to friendships forming, or can you just not feel comfortable with them? This is totally normal, remember you're living in extreme intimate quarters with people you previously haven't met - a very scary thing. again a counsellor at uni will be able to advise on what's best, but maybe a couple of nights sitting in specifically watching films, girly movies, whatever might help you bond? Would you feel comfortable enough doing that? Again, adding them on social networking sites and sending silly puictures and jokes might help you to feel a bit more comfortable face to face?

I really hope you feel better soon, feel free to PM me (I know I'm just a new member but sure!) if you wanna chat about the above. I honestly have been through it and I just want you to know it's not permanent, you've taken the right first step already by opening up about it.

All the best:hugs:

Sorcha

[ConfusedByLife]

Hey Louise
Everyone makes mistakes in their life so so don't beat yourself up that you maybe took the wrong option in hindsight. Often when we're anxious we see things in a very extreme way. Try to remember that even if you leave uni you will cope. I remember when I was at uni, loads of ppl dropped out near the start or chose other courses, so there are thousands like you all over the UK. The important thing is that you are happy, and it sounds like you know the current situation is not right for you. Try to get as much advice as possible from the people at uni before doing anything, but i'm sure your parents will support you if you explain to them how much you don't like it. and don't worry about what your housemates think, you can't control that, but if they have any sympathy they will understand, if not, who cares you dont have to see them again. Take care and good luck

[maddie]

Have you talked to your tutors about changing course? This is a common event.
Have you talked to the uni councellor and/or student uion reps? The way you feel is far from uncommon.
My eldest daughter changed her course and my second daughter moved into halls after a disastrous few weeks in a shared house. There were people wanting to move out of hall, so her landlord allowed a girl to take over her contract.
If you move home, please don't see it as a failure. As you say, not all things are right for everyone. I hope you find your career path soon.

[Tangerine Man]

Hi Louise,

Try living one day at a time and if possible giving it a week, then a fortnight and if you can stretch this attitude to 3 months then great.

You are not the only one that feels this way at your uni now. Others are feeling just the same and are in thier rooms too. Try to get out at least once a day to see other people and talk to them about anything that gives you pleasure. Try to join a club or two that does something you love. Try to attend lectures as it will get you out of your room and let you think about something else.

As you are not the first or sadly the last person to feel like this at uni they will have a councellor, course tutor, doctor, pastor or social services person you can see and chat with about how you feel and perhaps changing courses. What ever you decide to do it is suposed to be a nice warm day to day so have a walk outside somewhere, enjoy the sun on your face, on your back adn give yourself a littel treat for doing it:hugs:

[louise0501]

hey, thanks for all the support...it really mean's alot. i'm still really not fitting in and i have been here about a month now so i'm slightly worried. i spoke to my parents about how i feel and dropping out just isn't an option, they just kept fobbing me off. so what i'm gonna do is try and give it till xmas and then they might understand a bit more as i have given it a bit of time or i might like it here by then...i highly doubt it though but i will see how it goes.

[tim73]

I think it is worth a go for a good term at least. As said, most people will be feeling they don't fit in or are homesick for the first few months. It's perfectly normal.

In the meantime, have you spoken to anyone at the uni (e.g. tutor, union reps, or taken advantage of any councellor/advice services)? If not, ask in the union or a tutor and they should be able to point you in the right direction.

It may be that the solution is to switch course, and then as said there's the possibility of swapping for a place in halls.

I have to say that all the friends I made at uni were on the course I was on. They weren't the people I was living with in the first year. The second year is very different as you can pick people to find a house with (if you're not in halls).

The only other thing to say is if your attitude is that it won't work out then it probably won't. It's hard to say "be positive", especially on a site like this :D, but you'll likely find things work out better if you can manage to be.

Anyway, hope things work out well, and don't feel bad if it doesn't work out. I view things in a destiny kind of way. Everything seems to have a reason and trying something even if it turns out it's not for you is just another life experience which could turn out positive in the long term.