snussi
13-09-09, 12:05
Hi, I joined this site yesterday and fell in love : ) (with the site, havn't find a soul mate here quite yet, haha, joke)
I am a 21 year old girl who almost feel guilty reading on this forum, hearing about terrible life experiences and traumas... i have only suffered one full panic attack, that scared the beep out of me... but i have felt constant worries since many years.
So, I have a long story here for those of you who don't mind reading a bit..
I have had an alright childhood, and always had a little set of close friends, at least since about fourth grade. (10 years old). and it has been going from alright to quite good in school for me..
This is the reason i have felt so ashamed of not feeling well inside, i have never admitted this to anyone, and almost not even to myself. i have always pushed away my emotions cause i have felt ungrateful and like i'm betraying my family when i am not being happy.
Even though i had friends during school time, i've been very very shy. Therefore, I felt invisible to the people which surrounded me everyday. I would never reach up my hand in the class room (and still don't), cause i would never know what to answer. Then I always thought i was stupid, but still on the tests my results would be quite good. i could never understand why i wasn't able to think in the moment when the teacher asked me a question. i also always worried about the class mates not liking me, but now i realise they probably never thought about it themselves, i was just kind of invisible to them. Now, as i go to högskolan (collage?) since one year i'm in the same situation, even though i feel like i'm trying to speak to people, i get the feeling that they don't want me to, and in group projects i almost never say my will, thinking the others ideas probably are better than mine.
in our home every little difficult situation gets blown up. every day life can seem like a struggle; what shall we eat today?? where is my keys, my shoes, where have YOU put my clothes?? "Go to bed" can be repeted hundreds of times. Shouting at eachother all of the time. Ok, this sounds normal! and it probably is, i'm just sick of it having to be that way, in any home!!, because the constant stress about everything takes away the spark of life.. another part of this has been overprotection, especially from my mum, but there i don't want to go into detail, in all respect for her.. this is sensitive for her too.
About a month ago I and two friends were on a holday trip to a greek island. I and especially one of the friends tend to drink too much for us to handle. during the two weeks i think we partied hard about 11 of the nights, coming home 6-7 on the mornings. then we had a couple of hours of sleep, and then we were up for the whole day. But I was never tired during the days, on the contrary; i was hyperactive! we joked about me beginning to getting crazy.. and inside i began to worry about that for real, i really had a strange feeling something was going wrong, but i couldn't understand what it was.
One of the nights when i had drunk too much i behaved very strange. it's a complicated story but in the end of the night i was panicing really bad, and my friend had to push me away from "trying to jump off the balcony" and then i had ran into the bathroom and thought i was going to jump from a little window.. and there is much more to it, i was just going crazy that night.. But, i have no memories left from this at all... i just felt so weird the morning after, and now i understand i might have had a panic attack which i can't remember.
On the air port as we were getting on our plane home, my anxiety had reached so high levels i was, primarly, incredibly tired after all partying and bad sleep .. that made me so worried, but i didn't get why... it was just tiredness.. still i couldn't stop thinking about horrible things like getting seriously ill and even dying(..!) I started to produce a lot of saliva, which made me having to swallow about every second.. i started to shake and sob and when i rose, i felt dizzy, almost like i was beginning to disappear, my hands were strongly stinging and formed to a weird shape, the senses in them were dissappearing and I imagined i was becoming crippled... the most scary thing was that there were so much people all around me who didn't even react! there I lay, about to die I thought, and they just looked at me, some didn't seem to notice me, and others even got scared of me and moved away! I missed that plane. I and one of the friends were left on the air port, with no money and no help at all from our swedish travel agency. No one spoke english and not even the doctor's spokes person could barely any english. so he just made the assumption i was scared of flying (which i'm not at all).
Today i'm relieved i finally understand what's been going on with me, and that there's nothing physically wrong with me. A heavy stone has fallen from my chest, and i feel much happier then i ever have before. i have begun to open up more, and don't care so much of what others think of me and what i say. The worries aren't completely gone though, i've noticed that drinking and bad sleep still provokes the unpleasent emotions, and when people around me don't understand my feelings, that's almost the worst of all... but it haven't gone as far as on the airport again .. i just wait for the next attack, and almost look forward to fight against it!!!! Sounds weird.. but i know it will come sometime anyway... so i might as well face it.
I am a 21 year old girl who almost feel guilty reading on this forum, hearing about terrible life experiences and traumas... i have only suffered one full panic attack, that scared the beep out of me... but i have felt constant worries since many years.
So, I have a long story here for those of you who don't mind reading a bit..
I have had an alright childhood, and always had a little set of close friends, at least since about fourth grade. (10 years old). and it has been going from alright to quite good in school for me..
This is the reason i have felt so ashamed of not feeling well inside, i have never admitted this to anyone, and almost not even to myself. i have always pushed away my emotions cause i have felt ungrateful and like i'm betraying my family when i am not being happy.
Even though i had friends during school time, i've been very very shy. Therefore, I felt invisible to the people which surrounded me everyday. I would never reach up my hand in the class room (and still don't), cause i would never know what to answer. Then I always thought i was stupid, but still on the tests my results would be quite good. i could never understand why i wasn't able to think in the moment when the teacher asked me a question. i also always worried about the class mates not liking me, but now i realise they probably never thought about it themselves, i was just kind of invisible to them. Now, as i go to högskolan (collage?) since one year i'm in the same situation, even though i feel like i'm trying to speak to people, i get the feeling that they don't want me to, and in group projects i almost never say my will, thinking the others ideas probably are better than mine.
in our home every little difficult situation gets blown up. every day life can seem like a struggle; what shall we eat today?? where is my keys, my shoes, where have YOU put my clothes?? "Go to bed" can be repeted hundreds of times. Shouting at eachother all of the time. Ok, this sounds normal! and it probably is, i'm just sick of it having to be that way, in any home!!, because the constant stress about everything takes away the spark of life.. another part of this has been overprotection, especially from my mum, but there i don't want to go into detail, in all respect for her.. this is sensitive for her too.
About a month ago I and two friends were on a holday trip to a greek island. I and especially one of the friends tend to drink too much for us to handle. during the two weeks i think we partied hard about 11 of the nights, coming home 6-7 on the mornings. then we had a couple of hours of sleep, and then we were up for the whole day. But I was never tired during the days, on the contrary; i was hyperactive! we joked about me beginning to getting crazy.. and inside i began to worry about that for real, i really had a strange feeling something was going wrong, but i couldn't understand what it was.
One of the nights when i had drunk too much i behaved very strange. it's a complicated story but in the end of the night i was panicing really bad, and my friend had to push me away from "trying to jump off the balcony" and then i had ran into the bathroom and thought i was going to jump from a little window.. and there is much more to it, i was just going crazy that night.. But, i have no memories left from this at all... i just felt so weird the morning after, and now i understand i might have had a panic attack which i can't remember.
On the air port as we were getting on our plane home, my anxiety had reached so high levels i was, primarly, incredibly tired after all partying and bad sleep .. that made me so worried, but i didn't get why... it was just tiredness.. still i couldn't stop thinking about horrible things like getting seriously ill and even dying(..!) I started to produce a lot of saliva, which made me having to swallow about every second.. i started to shake and sob and when i rose, i felt dizzy, almost like i was beginning to disappear, my hands were strongly stinging and formed to a weird shape, the senses in them were dissappearing and I imagined i was becoming crippled... the most scary thing was that there were so much people all around me who didn't even react! there I lay, about to die I thought, and they just looked at me, some didn't seem to notice me, and others even got scared of me and moved away! I missed that plane. I and one of the friends were left on the air port, with no money and no help at all from our swedish travel agency. No one spoke english and not even the doctor's spokes person could barely any english. so he just made the assumption i was scared of flying (which i'm not at all).
Today i'm relieved i finally understand what's been going on with me, and that there's nothing physically wrong with me. A heavy stone has fallen from my chest, and i feel much happier then i ever have before. i have begun to open up more, and don't care so much of what others think of me and what i say. The worries aren't completely gone though, i've noticed that drinking and bad sleep still provokes the unpleasent emotions, and when people around me don't understand my feelings, that's almost the worst of all... but it haven't gone as far as on the airport again .. i just wait for the next attack, and almost look forward to fight against it!!!! Sounds weird.. but i know it will come sometime anyway... so i might as well face it.