I have ritual's is that bad

[mum2four]

I dont have a set time of day that in have to do something like my son dose he has asperger's. I do how ever have ritual's and it just kinda came together this morning and I realised I have no motivation to do anything unless I see that i clear run to do it my way.

Example I dont want to go in to my kitchen right now unless

1- The moth is no longer in th sink(phobia0
2- I have to do the dishes before I can have brackfast because in want to sit at the table and do a my scrap booking.
3- I cant sit at the table till I clear it(scrapbooking last night) so then i cant have brack fast till I clear the table.
4- Then i have to get every thing ready before I cook it (bacon and egg's) if it's not cook in the right order I will get frustrated or confused and lost.
5- eat brackfast and then clear the table and wip it ect and set up the table again to do the scrap booking again.

All this seem to take to longer to figure out the right order to do things in acording my rules (the explanation I gave ect)

I cant watch tv in my room unless I make the bed or I wont be able to feel comfortable and/or concentrate and enjoy what i'm watching. When I think about all the house hold chores I do have rules for each one and I dont find the right order to do what need each that day then nothing seems to get done. Why do I do this I've never understood my lack of motivation to get up and just do the house hold chore when thay need doing or when I see that it need to be done. I have plan it or I can do it. If i can fit it into my PLAN then it wont get done. This is confusing to me I alway put it down to being lazy but I do really feel agaitated if If the plan don't fit together with harmony(exapmle why clear the table to eat brackfast only to reset it up again after brackfast) i'm stuggleing with that at the moment). I proberly eat in lounge room instead cause i cant handle sitiing at the table if it's not fully clean.

thanks

[mum2four]

I thought I do a bit of an update.

After my partner ever so nicly got rid of moth I was able to do the dishe's. Thats was good went to plan good glad releaved ect. I did clear the table but not fully and it was nagging at me the whole time everything seem to be going well. When I started to prepare breakfast i became and bit flusted because my partner was helping and i felt like everything was out order he wasn't doing it right I push threw the silly thought's and tell my self it dosen't matter dont stress but i still find it so hard to watch him do thing's out of order if i had my way i would push him aside and take control but i dont want to affend him anymore or make him think that he's doing it wrong causer i know way is not the olny way but it so wrong not to do it my way. I feel like nothing go's right when it's not done in the right order. I was laughing about silly i felt that it didn't feel right it's just food no big deal(thats how it should feel but it dosn't ). I was trying hard to laugh in stead of listening to that nagging thought that is wont work something's going to go wrong it alway's dose if i dont it my way I wont work it dosn't feel right ect ect. I had to walk away and look away to get control of the thought's. I had my brackfast in hand and i did sit in the lounge room to eat couldn't sit at the table it had thing's on still i would been sitting there thinking it's not clean the whole time. When I sat down to eat i sat next to my partner I he was sitting in my seat tryed to sit down and relax to eat but i felt wrong I felt uncomfortable really uncomfortable like he was sitting so close i couldn't move my arm but he wasn't sitiing that close. so I ask him to switch like i alway do when we eat in the lounge room I have to be a certian side i cant handle that feeling. Then when i sat down on the other side there was blanket under my feet and put my plate down and tryed to move cause it was in my way but got very frustrated cause my partner was half sitting on it and had to get him to get up so I could move it it was driving me nut's I felt clostraphobic which my feet touching after it was out of the way I sat down and still felt clostraphobic I felt like my partner was sitting extreamly close but he wasn't and i felt like clothes were strangling me but thay weren't and even after he moved to other lounge chair I sat in the middle ans still felt like clostraphobic the feeling wouldn't go away I new that there was nothing smothering me but it felt like there was. Then i droped my plate cause i was so stressed out that I couldn't get comfortable. The feeling slowly subsided with time. I feel fine now i still feel like my coller is to tight but it's not bugging me that much Just nagging at me to move it but that's almost a daily thing.

Surly this is not normal to feel like that is it anxiety or what is it i cant make much sence of this i have only realy recently come to the understanding that there has to be a better way to feel and I have to face my irratation instead of avoiding them. i have start having meal as a family in stead of the kid's in the kitchen and me some where els or i would have a meal first or afterward. I wasn't going to put my kids threw my frustration I didn't understand why i felt that way I just knew i did. My mum use to pick on me lot's cause i wouldn't eat with kid's but I knew no other to stay calm with all the commotion ect going around plus the commotion inside me. I couldn't exactly put my self threw that sort of irratation or i would have too messed up to be a good parent in other area's of the day. I use to feel the need to rock so much when I tryed to sit and go threw the motion's of having a sit down family meal or I'd be so grumpy and snappy it was not funny(I knew that was not good).

I'm sitting here now and wondering if all along it was not my kids that were the handfull but instead my self. I was so busy focusing on my kids that I rearly stood back to see what I was doing. 3year's ago I realilised that I was becoming my mother and rasing my voice way to