Dolan1989
13-09-09, 18:08
Hi,
This may be long as I'm just going to write down how i feel and what I'm struggling with primarily to get it off my chest.
I've been suffering from panic attacks and bad anxiety for around a year now. I'd had them in the past but not really know what it was and not allowed it to bother me too much.
When I have a panic attack I simply feel really ill, as if i have a bad stomuch bug. When I first started getting them I would need to rush to the bathroom to be sick, although I could never actually get myself to make it happen. I have always had a phobia of being sick but sometimes it got so bad that i would try and make my self be sick in the hope that it would make me feel better, I now know that this was pretty much a waste of time.
The first time I had a panic attack that really affected me was when I had travelled over to my boyfriends home to have a night out with his friends. I gadn't had much to drink but then I had a shot of alcohol. Within half an hour I was rushing to the bathroom convinced I was going to be sick and also needing to go to the toilet (not pleasant - sorry). My boyfriend had to take me home as my heart would not stop racing. I had to keep getting in and out of the taxi as I thought I was going to be sick.
At first I obviously thought that this was because of the shot and I just cursed myself for being stupid as I spent the entire night in the bathroom. The next day I still felt ill and as my boyfriend returned to Manchester, I felt to sick to travel and had to stay at his mums. This lasted a week!
When I eventually felt well enough to travel home I was ok up until the point that I found out we were going to have to take a replacement bus, I spent the whole time thinking I was gonig to throw up over the woman next to me.
I didn't suffer anything else after that until two months after. I'm a social chair at university so I had organised a really big christmas ball. Everything was going brilliantly until I had to start eating, I took one mouth full before having to go to the bathroom thinking I was going to be sick. All that effort and i was there half an hour, spent my time in the bathroom before once again my boyfriend had to take me home.
At this point I went to the doctors and he knew what was wrong straight away. I still had blood tests to make sure there was nothing physically wrong (I cried my eyes out all the way through). He put me on propananol 3 times away and basically told me that I had to try and make sure they didn't rule my life and I had to still do the things I wanted to do. Easier said than done.
The next year was my second year at university and I spent most of my time being ill. I had a panic attack almost every week and even when I wasn't having a full blown attack I would still feel nausea every day. At this point I hardly went out, I wouldn't eat in front of people and basically didn't do anything unless I had to.
Thankfully my university is really accomodating. I really struggle when it comes to exam time as I get unbelieveably sick. They do however, let me do my exams on my own so as to relieve some of the stress. I honestly don't think I'd be able to do them otherwise. As of yet, I am still managing and I haven't really seen a decline in my grades. Having reiceved a 2:1 average at the end of second year.
When it came to the summer I made a decision to beat my panic attacks. I applied for a schools program where I actually went in to a primary school and taught lessons for three weeks. It was hard to get through at first and I felt completely drained but I absolutely loved it. I've always wanted to be a teacher and I am determined to still do it, even though I got upest when my doctor recommended another profession.
Over the summer I've been great, I've managed to move into a flat with my boyfriend, og out a couple of times and even managed to have a group of friends over to stay the night without getting too worked up. I also made a big start on my dissertation, having completed almost half of it already. I've also managed to do some temp admin work at the university with no problems at all.
Whilst I was feeling better I also decided to cut down on my tablets as I really felt that all the tablets were doing were reminding me three times a day that I wasn't strong enough to cope with a life that most people would find easy.
However, it is now one week before I go back to start my third year at uni. I've made sure I'll only have 4 exams for the entire year, although I will be expected to do presentations (something I used to be brilliant at). I worried about third year all the way through second year and now it is here I'm really worried about how I am going to cope with being ill all the time. Ironically it appears to be the fear of being ill that makes me ill.
For the past week I've been having panic attacks, and experiencing bad nausea on a daily basis. I've also cried my heart out to my boyfriend several times. He is great and really tries to comfort me, but I know deep down that he doesn't understand and wishes I'd get over it.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I'm going to ask that he finally refers me to a therapist, it is something I really didn't want to do but I'm going to have to. I would talk more to my family and friends but it is no good trying to explain your problems as without knowing it they just try and offer pointless avice, tell you to get over it, or start talking about their own issues.
At this point in time though I've just had enough and find it so sad that I struggle with day to day life. I hardly go out anymore, I am no longer the confident person I used to be and I just need this to stop.
How am I supposed to cope if this just gets worse and worse once third year actually arrives?
If you are still reading at this point, thank you so much for helping me vent my fears.
xxx
This may be long as I'm just going to write down how i feel and what I'm struggling with primarily to get it off my chest.
I've been suffering from panic attacks and bad anxiety for around a year now. I'd had them in the past but not really know what it was and not allowed it to bother me too much.
When I have a panic attack I simply feel really ill, as if i have a bad stomuch bug. When I first started getting them I would need to rush to the bathroom to be sick, although I could never actually get myself to make it happen. I have always had a phobia of being sick but sometimes it got so bad that i would try and make my self be sick in the hope that it would make me feel better, I now know that this was pretty much a waste of time.
The first time I had a panic attack that really affected me was when I had travelled over to my boyfriends home to have a night out with his friends. I gadn't had much to drink but then I had a shot of alcohol. Within half an hour I was rushing to the bathroom convinced I was going to be sick and also needing to go to the toilet (not pleasant - sorry). My boyfriend had to take me home as my heart would not stop racing. I had to keep getting in and out of the taxi as I thought I was going to be sick.
At first I obviously thought that this was because of the shot and I just cursed myself for being stupid as I spent the entire night in the bathroom. The next day I still felt ill and as my boyfriend returned to Manchester, I felt to sick to travel and had to stay at his mums. This lasted a week!
When I eventually felt well enough to travel home I was ok up until the point that I found out we were going to have to take a replacement bus, I spent the whole time thinking I was gonig to throw up over the woman next to me.
I didn't suffer anything else after that until two months after. I'm a social chair at university so I had organised a really big christmas ball. Everything was going brilliantly until I had to start eating, I took one mouth full before having to go to the bathroom thinking I was going to be sick. All that effort and i was there half an hour, spent my time in the bathroom before once again my boyfriend had to take me home.
At this point I went to the doctors and he knew what was wrong straight away. I still had blood tests to make sure there was nothing physically wrong (I cried my eyes out all the way through). He put me on propananol 3 times away and basically told me that I had to try and make sure they didn't rule my life and I had to still do the things I wanted to do. Easier said than done.
The next year was my second year at university and I spent most of my time being ill. I had a panic attack almost every week and even when I wasn't having a full blown attack I would still feel nausea every day. At this point I hardly went out, I wouldn't eat in front of people and basically didn't do anything unless I had to.
Thankfully my university is really accomodating. I really struggle when it comes to exam time as I get unbelieveably sick. They do however, let me do my exams on my own so as to relieve some of the stress. I honestly don't think I'd be able to do them otherwise. As of yet, I am still managing and I haven't really seen a decline in my grades. Having reiceved a 2:1 average at the end of second year.
When it came to the summer I made a decision to beat my panic attacks. I applied for a schools program where I actually went in to a primary school and taught lessons for three weeks. It was hard to get through at first and I felt completely drained but I absolutely loved it. I've always wanted to be a teacher and I am determined to still do it, even though I got upest when my doctor recommended another profession.
Over the summer I've been great, I've managed to move into a flat with my boyfriend, og out a couple of times and even managed to have a group of friends over to stay the night without getting too worked up. I also made a big start on my dissertation, having completed almost half of it already. I've also managed to do some temp admin work at the university with no problems at all.
Whilst I was feeling better I also decided to cut down on my tablets as I really felt that all the tablets were doing were reminding me three times a day that I wasn't strong enough to cope with a life that most people would find easy.
However, it is now one week before I go back to start my third year at uni. I've made sure I'll only have 4 exams for the entire year, although I will be expected to do presentations (something I used to be brilliant at). I worried about third year all the way through second year and now it is here I'm really worried about how I am going to cope with being ill all the time. Ironically it appears to be the fear of being ill that makes me ill.
For the past week I've been having panic attacks, and experiencing bad nausea on a daily basis. I've also cried my heart out to my boyfriend several times. He is great and really tries to comfort me, but I know deep down that he doesn't understand and wishes I'd get over it.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I'm going to ask that he finally refers me to a therapist, it is something I really didn't want to do but I'm going to have to. I would talk more to my family and friends but it is no good trying to explain your problems as without knowing it they just try and offer pointless avice, tell you to get over it, or start talking about their own issues.
At this point in time though I've just had enough and find it so sad that I struggle with day to day life. I hardly go out anymore, I am no longer the confident person I used to be and I just need this to stop.
How am I supposed to cope if this just gets worse and worse once third year actually arrives?
If you are still reading at this point, thank you so much for helping me vent my fears.
xxx