Worried I'm sickly enjoying the OCD thoughts?

[phil06]

I've been worried I'm some how sickly enjoying the OCD thoughts like I get a buzz even though they are still negative like "Here we go again it's the OCD" and I'm giving in and letting it scare the crap out of me. I almost look at situations and it's normal vs OCD to mess my head up. The longer you have the OCD negative thoughts the more you accept them as being there and you think "omg maybe this is me" but it's not me.

I find reading some things on here make me worse. There's alot of misunderstanding about what's OCD and what's normal. I know I have this OCD however my OCD doubts my mind that it is OCD! I don't try and offend anybody but the thoughts scare me, the unknown, the anxiety, the way it can convince you and you think it must be true.

There's alot of misunderstanding over HOCD which makes me angry like why don't you try it. The thing is there are people who don't know there sexuality and suffer "anxiety" over what people think. However HOCD is just like ROCD and all the other OCD's you fear, you find the thoughts intrusive and disturbing. You don't enjoy these thoughts but you fear them.

I have worried about not being straight and getting manic depression again for two and a half years and guess what I'm still straight and I've not got manic depression yet so that's a positive sign it's OCD. I sit for hours conceiving myself I'm going manic depressed..

Anyway I'll go onto another problem about how I feel day to day..when I got therapy they told me it was normal to feel happy, sad, some days but at the time I thought "Omg I'm happy so I'm manic" "I'm sad I'm depressed" and soon it became so impending the doom..I sat saying "oh I'm manic depressed..am i? what If I am and don't know it?". The HOCD has worked the same..say I meet a girl and she's not the right one I sit and saying what If I'm not straight as it never worked? before the anxiety/ocd I use to dismiss it like any normal person.

What I have found is you can't help anxiety just like you can't help your sexual attraction. I'm 110% straight, happy about it sit and get turned on by woman every single day however this HOCD has got a grip over me and yes it makes me feel down. When I signed up there was not alot of posts on this but there's good forums on OCD which discuss it. Yes there are people genuinely confused, but I feel on here HOCD should be described as OCD. I find reading other posts it makes me feel worse? "Try this, look at that" I don't want to it's I suffer OCD and it's not for me/ I'm happy being straight.

I don't want a reply to make me feel worse here I know what I am about however the anxiety/OCD drives me bonkers day in day out (read all my posts). Yes I could get theory but find my own coping methods since I have had help in the past and half the day I am fine these days I play the xbox, chill out do normal stuff. It's worse when I sit in.

My attitude is leave anybody else to it but long as they let me get on with my business. I just fear the future, the unknown and when you are in a vicious! anxiety cycle you soon understand it's hard to kick the habit...I had a toilet roll OCD and have since blocked the swears in my work meaning it's the toilet has been closed off. I'm very bad with OCD these days not sure anybody can reassure me but I'm sitting here feeling crap..I don't want a post to make me feel worse..I just want to be normal..nice g.f, better job and improve my life.

[WillyB]

Hi, you havent found my words on HOCD bad have you?

I think and hope i suffer from it. Its really ruined my life. The past 3 months have been so terrible. I too hate it when people say 'try it'. I dont want to be gay, ive never thought seriously about being gay, ive always longed for a girlfriend and always loved women. I THINK. Either this is OCD or somehow all my life ive been repressing it and somehow managed to make myself like women.

If i had only left the internet when i found out about HOCD i might be doing better today, truth is i became addicted to reassurance and cant get off the forums on sexual obsession.

I hate this, OCD or not its terrible, i feel for you mate.

[phil06]

Hi, you havent found my words on HOCD bad have you?

I think and hope i suffer from it. Its really ruined my life. The past 3 months have been so terrible. I too hate it when people say 'try it'. I dont want to be gay, ive never thought seriously about being gay, ive always longed for a girlfriend and always loved women. I THINK. Either this is OCD or somehow all my life ive been repressing it and somehow managed to make myself like women.

If i had only left the internet when i found out about HOCD i might be doing better today, truth is i became addicted to reassurance and cant get off the forums on sexual obsession.

I hate this, OCD or not its terrible, i feel for you mate.

I had to pull out of another thread for offending people who are not straight. So I will refrain from using words which they don't find nice. I'm straight and I'm happy. The thoughts are just negative thoughts. It makes me angry when people don't understand I have OCD and I'm not in the process of experimenting. :mad: Sorry just had to get that off my chest. It does nothing for me.

I have read alot on it and lots of people who suffer HOCD can suffer it for between 6 months to 5 years and have good and bad spells. HOCD doesn't change your sexuality and it can affect anybody of any orientation. I just have like a list of things that A. Extremely worry me, B. Moderately worry me like health anxiety and C. Things that worry me for a day on a lesser scale.

I have been able to post good advice on it like taking your mind off it. When you have a moment when you don't feel anxious you can feel yourself again and when I say normal I don't mean generalized society but like your OWN like minded individual self! I'll leave this thread now if anybody tries to question that I don't have OCD or anxiety as I've always been honest and managed to understand this is what I suffer and when I'm less anxious I get on with my life like any normal person!

I was going to start this thread just asking if anybody else feels the grip of OCD negative thoughts make you accept them more, make them feel more real or get a buzz but after reading the post i changed my mind. I know they are only trying to help but it has to be clear OCD needs somebody who understands it and HOCD is something you can mistake for a confused person but you can't pull me away from a woman..have a go because you won't. It really angers me as I know that kind of "open minded" good will advice does OCD suffers no good. Imagine if you told somebody they HAD to leave there partner as they suffered relationship OCD? it would hardly make you feel any better.

OCD is a sensitive subject.

[phil06]

Here's my OCD life at the moment:

*Worried I will get manic depression again, fears of going mad, losing control, doing something erratic, fears of saying something out of place, worried I'll get put in hospital, locked away, worried I'll chase everybody away, paranoid people are watching my movements, worried by sounds, noise, lights, paranormal stuff, I can't hold onto too much stuff incase it's clutter (the opposite of not throwing things away but also suffer this too), worried I'll become addicted to sex, and lots of sexual horrible OCD thoughts, fears round family..ect..

*HOCD as posted above, relationship OCD fears they will cheat, worried I'll go off them one day, obsess over there looks if they don't look perfect. Extremely fussy over a woman's looks if she's not perfect. If they know people I don't like that puts me off, I'm worried it won't work, If I've had similar experiences I symmetrically think the same will happen by comparing situations, fears I will let myself go, they will.

*Taking driving lessons so fearing of losing control, a million questions on insurance, hand washing, toilet roll OCD, checking door looks, everything has to be right. When shopping if clothes, items don't feel right I avoid them as it reassures me. I'd buy a more expensive thing if it cased me less anxiety. Ordering everything has to be right. If something looks like it will fall off I move it. I clean by hands about 5 times before eating, twice half way into my dinner and twice after it.

*Worrying the thoughts are real, somehow accepting OCD/Anxiety when it's not true, worrying I'll always suffer this, fears of not feeling normal, anger, depression worries me, mood checking, I compare my life like a timeline, experience, fears of turning old, checking my hair for bald patches, looking in the mirror for wrinkles, worrying I'll turn fat, won't eat a biscuit if I don't feel slim, won't ever buy any large sizes luckily I'm a small or medium. Words, colours that relate to OCD scare me, I tune in on them. I'm paranoid of what people think of me, in case they see my anxiety thoughts. I check my eyes,my body language, I have to walk properly, if juice or food has been near cleaning products I won't eat or drink it. I avoid people who cough in-case they have swine flu. I am bad with health anxiety I google, fear the worst. I worry people will let themselves go, I worry if people do something bad they won't go on the right road again. I worry Its not OCD and I'm secretly a mad man, I take comfort in knowing my symptoms are OCD, one week I'm fine next I'm worse than ever..

Does anybody else get any of this?