lennon86
14-09-09, 01:33
not exactly sure where to start, but here goes. im 22, male, and live in england. ive been suffering with panic attacks/anxiety/depression for as long as i can remember now, which has slowly got worse and is left untreated, unfortunately.
im not exactly sure as to where or when it all started, but one of my earliest memories is falling into a rock pool at whitby when i was a toddler. apparently i was under for close to 40 seconds, which as you can imagine is quite a long time for anyone whos unexpecting it, let alone a toddler. it wasnt until i was in years 3-4 of schooling that i developed a terrible fear of water and swimming, and was unable to learn to swim until the, quite embarassing, year 9. and although i overcame my fear of water, i am still left with a constant, and sometimes overwheling, fear of death.
ive had to deal with death from such a young age, when i was younger, im not quite sure of the year, my dad had to have a serious heart operation to replace both his arteries. in 1996 my grandad died, suddenly one night when i was staying over, i was pretty close to my grandad and this was my first death, it did hit me pretty hard and for a long time i blamed myself. i dont know why, i did. in 1998 my dad went in for a second major heart procedure to replace the 2 arteries again. all this before i even completed a full term in secondary school.
in school i was chubby, so there was alot of bullying. again from years 4-9, i was bullied everyday at school, and ignored at home. sometimes even hit because i was fat. they would follow me on the way home and taunt me, throwing stones or clumps of mud or something. whatever was available really, and like a typical child, i never told my parents. not that they would do anything about it.
ive never had a peaceful relationship with either of my parents, my dad with overreact at the slightest thing and my mum wouldnt react atall. i struggled with maths and spelling so my grades were never very good in school. my dad would try and explain these things to me whenever he was home, which wasnt often, but i didnt understand, which resulting in him getting frustrated with me and blowing up. i remember once he even remarked that i will end up being a binman, abit harsh considering i was only 9, and again my mum didnt get involved unless there was shouting to do... at me. something were all to familiar with. we never got along, i dont know why she was my mum and i loved her. but i didnt get the impression if was reciprecated. shes never to this day told me she loves me. we'd argue constantly, about nothing. she once threatened to throw me out of the house because i 'constantly' left the shower switch on. everything was always my fault and it didnt matter what i said, i was a liar.
the majority of my friends have turned my back on me, my best friend since infants decided that he would sexually harrass my sister. sending her texts messages constantly trying to get her to like him, asking her perverted questions and sending her pictures of himself and nagging to see ones of her... despite the fact she was 5 years younger than me. i found this out on my 18th birthday, and she was 13. my best friend was a paedohpile. other friends have just f**ked me over time and time again, spreading lies and trying to break me and my girlfriend up.
in january of 2007 my mum lost her job at the hospital, down to the neglect of someone else. now with my dad not working by this point because of his heart and my mum losing her job, the threat of us losing the house we lived in was thrown at us, and still is, the job she has now is 1/3 of the wage she was on then, and they cant afford the mortgage.
in november 2007 my dad fell ill again, only this time it was his lungs. the doctors said hed reacted badly to a case of the flu, most likely down to the 2 heart ops he's had in his life. he was on the intensive care unit for 3 weeks and was back home heathly again, as if nothing happened, so we thought nothing more of it.
the biggest thing to ever hit my life happened in march of 2008 my dad fell ill again with his lungs, we thought it was going to be the same as last time. in a few weeks, out, fine. but it wasnt. we found out that he had lung disease, his lungs werent expelling the carbon dioxide and it was slowly poisoning him. he was in a constant state of confusion, which only got worse. the lack of oxygen to the brain made him paranoid, and he was persistant that there was nothing wrong with him, so he kept taking off his oxygen mask, or turning down the knobs at the wall, or cutting a hole in the wire. this made it worse, because the longer he went without oxygen, the more paranoid he became, and the more ill he ended up. he began to think that the nurses were trying to kill him, he was living in a constant state of fear. this meant he started to refuse food and medication, making him worse.
every other night the ward rang our home in the early hours saying my elderly father has been restrained forcefully because he tried to leave the ward and got hostile when stopped. ill never forget the look of fear in his eyes as i went into his room that night and saw him sitting in the corner on a chair, surrounded by security guards. ive never seen him cry before, but he was in tears right then. he looked so pleased to see me and my sister and hugged me the tightest hes ever hugged me, begging me to take him home amd it broke my heart to see his face drop when i told him i couldnt.
these things kept on getting worse to the point where he actually believed that we were in on it too, and he actually refused to talk to us sometimes, and got quite agressive towards me and my mum. there was a time when we were visiting and the nurse realised he had the tubes tied, when she tried to untie them he clamed his fist around it and refused to let her do anything. she asked me to try and help and when i did he turned on me, he ripped the mask off his face and started swearing. i tried to put it back over his head but he pulled it apart, grittting his teeth at me and actually hit me in the face.
it was only a few days after that they decided to sedate him, hoping that if he left the oxygen on long enough it would make him that little bit better to understand what was going on. and then it went away, as if nothing happened. his blood sats were perfect and he was talking to us as if he were just sat at home watching tv. there was actually talk of bringing him home. but it didnt last. they ended up placing this giant overface one that was strapped to his head firmly. after this he just seemed to get worse, he grew more and more tired. and slept more and more, but nothing seemed to work atall.
the doctor eventually pulled me, my mum and sister into a side room and gave us the talk. it seemed like we were there hours. he said that it seemed as if my dad was at the end of his life, there was nothing more they could do, and suggested they turn the oxygen off and let nature take its course. my mum broke down. seeing how she reacted he decided to give it a weekend, they put my dad to sleep for 3 whole days and left the automatic breather on, and by monday would be able to see where we were. we didnt have much hope considering nothing else had worked and it was now the end of july, we'd tried everything, and i actually prepared myself to let my dad go. i didnt sleep atall that weekend.
by monday we went in, it was around 4:30pm, and he was just sat up eating normally. apparently the weekend sleep worked and all the carbon dioxide was expelled and his brain was functioning normally. infact they discharged him a week later, by now it was august. the doctor explained to him what had happened and he couldnt remember anything. he now understands that hes required to be on oxygen 24/7 and if not he dies. it took a while for him to adjust to the machine in the house, with all the tubes and the whole nose plug thing, but its a part of life and he accepts it. which is great. its been a year and (knock on wood) hes still fine.
people say i should be happy, but im not. no i dont wish he died, but i went through alot and saw things i shouldnt have to see. i prepared myself to the thought of life without my dad, his death, the funeral, taking care of my mum while shes in grief. and as quickly as it all happened, it was over, everything was back to normal as if it never happened. shortly after i moved out for university, but ive been left a nervous wreck, my heart races whenever i hear the phone ring, expecting it to be my mum saying somethings happened; that my dads taken ill again or worse, hes dead.
october 1st 2008, 2 days before my uni course started. 7:30am phonecall from mums mobile. this is it i thought, i shot up and answered. my mum was in tears. i panicked and started asking if dad was ok, but it wasnt my dad. it was my dog, bodie. my dog died in his sleep. he was only 6 years old. i know most people say 'its just a dog get over it' but im a big dog lover, and losing bodie was like losing my brother. we were inseperable. and that the thing which tipped me over the edge. i didnt go to university, they kicked me out in febuary 2009 because i had 0% attendance. i stopped going to the gym, i stopped eating properly, i stopped sleeping, i stopped looking for work, i stopped caring.
its only been the past month or 2 that my girlfriends managed to pull me out of this way of thinking and get on with my life. but i still get frequent anxiety attacks, i still panic when the phone rings, i have bad dreams constantly and more than not, have an overwhelming feeling of dread and worry. ive become clingy towards my girlfriend and panic at the slightest thing; i.e. if shes out somewhere with her friends having a drink, and she doesnt answer a text. or its dark and shes meant to have finished work a while back and she doesnt answer her phone. i work myself up, and cant help it.
anyway im really sorry about the length of this, i didnt intend it to be thing long when i started this. i kinda got carried away, emotionally aswell when i was writing some parts, so excuse me if the grammar isnt top notch, some parts are still abit tender to even think about, let alone write about. honestly now i feel kinda stupid, but ive spent 40 minutes on it so im not deleting it lol. i guess i kinda wanted to vent to someone who could possible lend me a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, someone who may have been through something similar, because frankly im sick of keeping this all bottled up to myself.
thanks for taking the time in reading too.
im not exactly sure as to where or when it all started, but one of my earliest memories is falling into a rock pool at whitby when i was a toddler. apparently i was under for close to 40 seconds, which as you can imagine is quite a long time for anyone whos unexpecting it, let alone a toddler. it wasnt until i was in years 3-4 of schooling that i developed a terrible fear of water and swimming, and was unable to learn to swim until the, quite embarassing, year 9. and although i overcame my fear of water, i am still left with a constant, and sometimes overwheling, fear of death.
ive had to deal with death from such a young age, when i was younger, im not quite sure of the year, my dad had to have a serious heart operation to replace both his arteries. in 1996 my grandad died, suddenly one night when i was staying over, i was pretty close to my grandad and this was my first death, it did hit me pretty hard and for a long time i blamed myself. i dont know why, i did. in 1998 my dad went in for a second major heart procedure to replace the 2 arteries again. all this before i even completed a full term in secondary school.
in school i was chubby, so there was alot of bullying. again from years 4-9, i was bullied everyday at school, and ignored at home. sometimes even hit because i was fat. they would follow me on the way home and taunt me, throwing stones or clumps of mud or something. whatever was available really, and like a typical child, i never told my parents. not that they would do anything about it.
ive never had a peaceful relationship with either of my parents, my dad with overreact at the slightest thing and my mum wouldnt react atall. i struggled with maths and spelling so my grades were never very good in school. my dad would try and explain these things to me whenever he was home, which wasnt often, but i didnt understand, which resulting in him getting frustrated with me and blowing up. i remember once he even remarked that i will end up being a binman, abit harsh considering i was only 9, and again my mum didnt get involved unless there was shouting to do... at me. something were all to familiar with. we never got along, i dont know why she was my mum and i loved her. but i didnt get the impression if was reciprecated. shes never to this day told me she loves me. we'd argue constantly, about nothing. she once threatened to throw me out of the house because i 'constantly' left the shower switch on. everything was always my fault and it didnt matter what i said, i was a liar.
the majority of my friends have turned my back on me, my best friend since infants decided that he would sexually harrass my sister. sending her texts messages constantly trying to get her to like him, asking her perverted questions and sending her pictures of himself and nagging to see ones of her... despite the fact she was 5 years younger than me. i found this out on my 18th birthday, and she was 13. my best friend was a paedohpile. other friends have just f**ked me over time and time again, spreading lies and trying to break me and my girlfriend up.
in january of 2007 my mum lost her job at the hospital, down to the neglect of someone else. now with my dad not working by this point because of his heart and my mum losing her job, the threat of us losing the house we lived in was thrown at us, and still is, the job she has now is 1/3 of the wage she was on then, and they cant afford the mortgage.
in november 2007 my dad fell ill again, only this time it was his lungs. the doctors said hed reacted badly to a case of the flu, most likely down to the 2 heart ops he's had in his life. he was on the intensive care unit for 3 weeks and was back home heathly again, as if nothing happened, so we thought nothing more of it.
the biggest thing to ever hit my life happened in march of 2008 my dad fell ill again with his lungs, we thought it was going to be the same as last time. in a few weeks, out, fine. but it wasnt. we found out that he had lung disease, his lungs werent expelling the carbon dioxide and it was slowly poisoning him. he was in a constant state of confusion, which only got worse. the lack of oxygen to the brain made him paranoid, and he was persistant that there was nothing wrong with him, so he kept taking off his oxygen mask, or turning down the knobs at the wall, or cutting a hole in the wire. this made it worse, because the longer he went without oxygen, the more paranoid he became, and the more ill he ended up. he began to think that the nurses were trying to kill him, he was living in a constant state of fear. this meant he started to refuse food and medication, making him worse.
every other night the ward rang our home in the early hours saying my elderly father has been restrained forcefully because he tried to leave the ward and got hostile when stopped. ill never forget the look of fear in his eyes as i went into his room that night and saw him sitting in the corner on a chair, surrounded by security guards. ive never seen him cry before, but he was in tears right then. he looked so pleased to see me and my sister and hugged me the tightest hes ever hugged me, begging me to take him home amd it broke my heart to see his face drop when i told him i couldnt.
these things kept on getting worse to the point where he actually believed that we were in on it too, and he actually refused to talk to us sometimes, and got quite agressive towards me and my mum. there was a time when we were visiting and the nurse realised he had the tubes tied, when she tried to untie them he clamed his fist around it and refused to let her do anything. she asked me to try and help and when i did he turned on me, he ripped the mask off his face and started swearing. i tried to put it back over his head but he pulled it apart, grittting his teeth at me and actually hit me in the face.
it was only a few days after that they decided to sedate him, hoping that if he left the oxygen on long enough it would make him that little bit better to understand what was going on. and then it went away, as if nothing happened. his blood sats were perfect and he was talking to us as if he were just sat at home watching tv. there was actually talk of bringing him home. but it didnt last. they ended up placing this giant overface one that was strapped to his head firmly. after this he just seemed to get worse, he grew more and more tired. and slept more and more, but nothing seemed to work atall.
the doctor eventually pulled me, my mum and sister into a side room and gave us the talk. it seemed like we were there hours. he said that it seemed as if my dad was at the end of his life, there was nothing more they could do, and suggested they turn the oxygen off and let nature take its course. my mum broke down. seeing how she reacted he decided to give it a weekend, they put my dad to sleep for 3 whole days and left the automatic breather on, and by monday would be able to see where we were. we didnt have much hope considering nothing else had worked and it was now the end of july, we'd tried everything, and i actually prepared myself to let my dad go. i didnt sleep atall that weekend.
by monday we went in, it was around 4:30pm, and he was just sat up eating normally. apparently the weekend sleep worked and all the carbon dioxide was expelled and his brain was functioning normally. infact they discharged him a week later, by now it was august. the doctor explained to him what had happened and he couldnt remember anything. he now understands that hes required to be on oxygen 24/7 and if not he dies. it took a while for him to adjust to the machine in the house, with all the tubes and the whole nose plug thing, but its a part of life and he accepts it. which is great. its been a year and (knock on wood) hes still fine.
people say i should be happy, but im not. no i dont wish he died, but i went through alot and saw things i shouldnt have to see. i prepared myself to the thought of life without my dad, his death, the funeral, taking care of my mum while shes in grief. and as quickly as it all happened, it was over, everything was back to normal as if it never happened. shortly after i moved out for university, but ive been left a nervous wreck, my heart races whenever i hear the phone ring, expecting it to be my mum saying somethings happened; that my dads taken ill again or worse, hes dead.
october 1st 2008, 2 days before my uni course started. 7:30am phonecall from mums mobile. this is it i thought, i shot up and answered. my mum was in tears. i panicked and started asking if dad was ok, but it wasnt my dad. it was my dog, bodie. my dog died in his sleep. he was only 6 years old. i know most people say 'its just a dog get over it' but im a big dog lover, and losing bodie was like losing my brother. we were inseperable. and that the thing which tipped me over the edge. i didnt go to university, they kicked me out in febuary 2009 because i had 0% attendance. i stopped going to the gym, i stopped eating properly, i stopped sleeping, i stopped looking for work, i stopped caring.
its only been the past month or 2 that my girlfriends managed to pull me out of this way of thinking and get on with my life. but i still get frequent anxiety attacks, i still panic when the phone rings, i have bad dreams constantly and more than not, have an overwhelming feeling of dread and worry. ive become clingy towards my girlfriend and panic at the slightest thing; i.e. if shes out somewhere with her friends having a drink, and she doesnt answer a text. or its dark and shes meant to have finished work a while back and she doesnt answer her phone. i work myself up, and cant help it.
anyway im really sorry about the length of this, i didnt intend it to be thing long when i started this. i kinda got carried away, emotionally aswell when i was writing some parts, so excuse me if the grammar isnt top notch, some parts are still abit tender to even think about, let alone write about. honestly now i feel kinda stupid, but ive spent 40 minutes on it so im not deleting it lol. i guess i kinda wanted to vent to someone who could possible lend me a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, someone who may have been through something similar, because frankly im sick of keeping this all bottled up to myself.
thanks for taking the time in reading too.